The Odd Couple (1970–1975): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Laundry Orgy - full transcript

♪ ♪

Felix?

Right in here, Oscar.

I've got something
to tell you, baby.

What do you...

You got the napkins?

No, I forgot the napkins.
Listen...

We use the napkins for the game.

Who cares about napkins?

Will you lis...

I care.



The guys are coming
to play poker.

They can wipe their mouths
on their money.

Listen.

You left your coat
on the icebox?

Do you put your hat
in the bread box?

I don't want to
discuss my wardrobe.

I want to talk about girls.

Please take your coat
off the icebox.

Remember those two sexy English
girls that live upstairs,

the Dove sis...
The Pigeons.

Pigeons! Are you ready?

We have a date with them.

No kidding.

Yeah.



Really?

Yeah!

Oh, I...
I, I, I don't know.

Ah, come on, Felix.

Now, you promised we were gonna
dedicate this whole month

to meeting new girls.

I know, I know.

I'd like to meet a nice girl,

but it-it-it's just
so hard to date after...

Felix, we've been
through all that.

I know it's hard
after a divorce.

What are you supposed to do?

Sit around and get bitter?

No! You have to pursue
every opportunity.

And I'm telling you,
the Pigeon sisters

are two of the best-built
opportunities in New York.

I know, but somehow
I just keep...

Please don't sit there.

I just keep comparing
everybody to Gloria.

Don't you compare everybody
to your ex-wife?

Sure I do.

And compared to Blanche,
everybody looks good.

Felix, they're crazy about us.

They think we're big
shots in the building.

Yeah?

Yeah, they know you're
a successful photographer.

They know I'm
a big-time sportswriter.

The doorman told them.

That's very nice of Harry.

What nice?

I give him five bucks a month

to tell every girl in
the building about us.

That's pushy.
It's pushy.

Pushy is the way
it's done, Felix.

It's custom.

All over world,
man pursue woman.

Except on a few
Polynesian islands

and a couple of bars
in Greenwich village.

Will you stop cooking?

Tell me you're ready
to attack these two girls?

Well... all right, I'm,
I'm ready to attack it.

What do you mean by that?

Because I asked them
to drop down tonight

for some drinks after work.

Tonight?
Tonight's poker night.

Well, it's their
only free night.

I've been cooking for the guys
for the last 90 minutes.

Hey, give it to the girls.

It's poker food.

Who cares?

Oh, no, no, no, we can't,

we just can't cancel the game
at this late hour.

The guys come
directly from work.

That's the beauty of it.

We don't have
to cancel the whole game.

We'll tell the guys
we have some dates

and then we'll break up
the game early.

See, the Pigeons
aren't coming till 10:30.

No, we never quit
before midnight,

you know that.

Every Thursday night
for the past four years.

The guys lie to their wives.

They get baby-sitters,
they sneak out of work early.

It's not a poker game anymore,
it's a way of life.

Yeah, you're right, Felix.

Can't ask them to break
up the game early.

Course not.

Have to trick them into
breaking up the game early.

( Odd Couple theme playing )

I wonder where Murray is.

He's probably not coming.

That's it, the game's off.

Are you crazy?

Does difference does it make
how many guys we got?

You want bodies?

I'll grab two drunks
off the street.

Now, come on, let's play.

How many want shredded coconut
on their rumaki?

I came to play poker,
he's having a luau.

Hurry up, will you, Felix?

We don't have all night.

You got my check, Roy?

Yes, but there isn't much left
after your alimony payments.

As your accountant,
I'm telling you

you absolutely must cut down
on unnecessary expenses.

You're right, that's it,
I can't play.

I'll lend you some money.

Thanks a lot.

Here's the rumaki.
Murray, where have you been?

We were worried about you.

That's nice, somebody
worrying about a cop.

SPEED:
Okay, sit down, Murray.

Shredded coconut
on the side, fellas.

Help yourselves.

Deal with me standing up.

Felix, these guys
are never gonna

break up the game voluntarily.

I hate to say I told you so...

Yeah, but we got
to find an excuse

or I'm going to be sick.

Can I get you something?

No, I mean I'll pretend
to be in pain.

Maybe they'll go home.

SPEED: Will you sit down
and start playing poker?

Fellas, use coasters
and use your napkins.

That's all I ask.

SPEED:
Here we go.

Ante, ante, who's betting?

What are you doing, Murray?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I open.

What do you do, Oscar?

( groaning )

Oscar's out.
What do you, Roy?

What time is it?

Nine o'clock.

That's an hour and a half
before 10:30!

SPEED: Felix, when do they pick
up the garbage for this building?

FELIX:
Tuesday morning.

Give them this hand.

And this one, too.

( cackling )

You always win, don't you?

Nature calls.

Murray, you're 38 years old,
why don't you just say

you have to go to the bathroom?

Use the new guest soap.

I was right,
there's a card missing.

Throw out the deck.

You can't play with 51 cards.

Where is it?

I don't know.

We don't have another deck.

We'll have to call the game off.

ROY:
Ah, that's awful.

No-no-no.

I'm 60 bucks down.
What card's missing?

Queen of hearts, I mean...

Here's a napkin,
make a queen of hearts.

Are you crazy?!

No, let Felix do it.

He draws the best.

Here, Felix.
Thank you.

How are you going to play
with a napkin?

Everybody'll know
it's the queen of hearts.

So? We'll all have the same
advantages and disadvantages.

You ought to be able to afford
more than one deck, Oscar.

Well, you're always telling me
to cut down expenses.

SPEED:
Draw, Felix.

Oh, look what Felix is doing.

He's drawing

a picture of a queen's face

that looks like Grace Kelly.

FELIX:
She's royalty.

I always liked her in movies,
she was neat.

I'd color the hearts in
if you'd give me a red pencil.

Oh, give me the napkin!
Here, deal, Oscar.

"Deal, Oscar."

How do you shuffle a napkin?

You don't shuffle it.
You stuff it.

Now, deal!

I still think it's ridiculous.

What time is it?

Felix, that soap is nice.

Oh, "what time is it?"

Oscar, here's my watch.
It's brand new, 130 bucks.

It's yours.

Just never ask me
what time it is again.

ROY: Okay, come on,
let's play cards, huh?

You're light, Murray.

What do you do?
Pass.

Felix?
Pass.

Speed?
Out!

What do you have, Murray?

A napkin
with a picture of Grace Kelly.

She's the queen of hearts.

I thought she was
the Princess of Monaco.

She is.

Look, will you stop asking
questions and play poker?

I went to the bathroom.
I come back.

He dealt me a napkin
with Grace Kelly's face.

Wouldn't you ask questions?

I'm out! Felix.

What are you complaining about?

You've got a pair of queens.

Oscar! I'll play
the napkin.

I'm going to turn up the heat

and I'm gonna sweat them
out of here.

They'll know what we're doing.

No, no, no, I'm gonna tell 'em
that one of your allergies

is bothering you
and you have to have it warm.

I would like it warmer.

Yeah, they know
you're a hypochondriac.

They think I'm a hypochondriac?

Makes me sick.

Are you in, Cochise?

How.

What time is it, Vinnie?

I can't see.
My watch is fogged up.

So are my glasses.
I can't see the cards.

Are you sure you need it
this warm for your sinuses?

They're killing me.

All right! Who put the olive pit
on the queen of hearts?

Oh, pits, napkins, heat...
Who cares?

Get the game rolling.

Bet!

Now he puts it on the table.

That's worse.
That's disgusting.

Murray.

I can't.

My arm's stuck to the table.

I'm turning off the heat.

This is no longer an apartment,
it's an incubator.

Roy, a man's health is at stake.

We got to think
of Felix, don't we?

The right thing to do, fellas,

is call off the game,
take back your ante.

( all yelling )

All night long, you've
been asking what time it is

and trying to call
this game off.

What's with you?

Nothing is with me.
I'm perfectly normal.

You're all complaining...

( door buzzer )

Aha, aha! That's probably
the fire department right now.

No, it's the sisters.

What sisters?

Sister... Mary

and Sister Catherine.

They've got a church
on the corner.

See, and I was going

to help them build a, b-ba, a...

Softball.

Softball league.

They're gonna come up and borrow
all my sports books, see.

Fellas, it's only take a minute.

Would you wait in the kitchen?

It's very important.

( all yelling )

It's sacrilegious
to stay out here.

The sisters don't want to see...

What do I say?

You take them in the bedroom.

I'll try to get rid of the guys.

The bedroom?

Yes, it's the only way
they won't see the guys.

( door buzzer )

Ladies!

Welcome to our humble abode.

( both giggling )

Won't you step into the bedroom?

Oh.

Aren't we going to have

any drinks or anything?

You'll find out.

Girls, there's
been a little mix-up.

It'll only take a second.

We'll get everything cleared up
and we're gonna have...

Oh!

Are, are you girls nuns?

( giggling )

Well, hardly.

Eh, but we are nice girls.

I mean, we certainly
didn't expect six men

at this party.

Party? What party?

Fellas, we've got a...

PIGEON SISTER:
You did say

come down at 10:30.

I'd like to introduce you

to some very dear
friends of ours.

This is Speed, Roy,
Vinnie and Murray.

Hello.
Hello.

FELIX:
Gwendolyn and Cecily

Pigeon.

Are you a mysterious Arab sheik?

No, I'm a hot Jewish cop.

Oh!

( girls giggling )

Listen, girls, I have to talk

to the guys in the kitchen
for just a second

and everything will be
straightened out.

Just one second...

( guys yelling )

Help yourselves to the rumaki.

Oh, thank you.

What's rumaki?

I don't know.

Nobody's breaking up our game.

There's a code among men:
women come first.

That's the bachelor code.

The married code is

any night you get out, stay out.

Right, guys?

One night.

You saw the bodies
on those girls.

This is an emergency.

Wait, wait, wait.

There's only one
fair way to do this.

Let's take a vote.

Oh, no, I'm not voting
either way.

I'm neutral,
just like Switzerland.

You got all the money
like Switzerland, too.

Vote with Felix and me,
and I'll get you

tickets for the Super Bowl.

50-yard line?

I'll get you in the
huddle, you hear?

We're taking a vote.

All those in favor of
continuing the game say "aye".

Aye.
Aye.

That's it?
Neutral.

Three to two.
That's it the game's over.

Aye.

I what?

I, I think

we should let them
finish the game.

It's only fair.

We could take the girls
someplace else

and then come back
after they're finished.

That's it, we win.

Look, you guys come back
at midnight, huh?

Come on, Switzerland.

( chuckling )

All right, whose deal?

Want some rumaki?

Shut up.

Oscar, the guys
love playing so much.

It isn't fair to throw them out.

It's their night.

You're mad.

Of course I'm mad.

I'm mad because I
know you're right.

But, Felix, what are
we gonna do?

There are two gorgeous
girls out there.

I saw them.

Don't you think
I'm a human being?

Keep going back and forth.

Why can't we take them someplace
and come back later?

I promise you,
I'll try to be a swinger.

Okay.

You take care of the cards.

I'll take care of the girls.

Girls, one of the poker players

has to go to the
hospital tomorrow,

maybe for a long time.

And his last request is that
he play a little longer.

Oh.

Oh, how sad.

Oh, I do hope he wins.

That's nice.

We can go out, then
come back about midnight.

There's a little bar
down at the corner...

How about a film?

I love double features
with a cartoon.

I'm not much in the mood

for a movie.

You know
what might be a good idea?

We could go down to the
laundry room and do laundry.

Felix is a great kidder.

No, it's a good idea,
I need some clean things.

Well, if you've got
some time to kill,

it's a wonderful idea.

That's a wonderful idea?

Yes, sounds smashing.

Listen, we'll pop upstairs
and get our things.

We'll meet you down there.

Ta-ta, ta-ta.

Laundry?

Hey, Oscar, where are you
taking the girls?

Felix is taking them
to do laundry.

What's Felix going to do?

Wash them before
he touches them?

On me.

Oh, thank you.

We could save a quarter if we
wash our white things together.

Oh, that sounds sexy.

We can dry them together.

Honestly.

Ho, ho, ho.

Santa Claus likes
good little girls.

Mr. Madison's not so fussy.

Are all those things yours?

I have a lots more, but I
didn't want to show off.

Do Oscar and I get to do our
white things together, too?

Oscar doesn't have
any white things.

( giggling )

Mad at me?

We did have an hour to kill.

No, Felix, I'm not mad.

This is the perfect place.

For what?

For a party.

In a dirty sock?

The alcohol kills the germs.

( music playing )

♪ Tiny bubbles in the wine... ♪

Oh, Felix.

You certainly have
a strong grip.

Comes from years of squeezing

nose and throat sprays
for his sinuses.

That's true.

♪ Tiny bubbles in the wine ♪

♪ And the feeling
that I'm gonna love you ♪

♪ Till the end of time... ♪

Ooh.

Ooh. Look, Oscar, the
ceiling needs painting.

Don't tell Felix.

All right.

♪ And mostly, here's a toast ♪

♪ To you and me ♪

♪ Tiny bubbles ♪

♪ In the wine ♪

Sort of pretty, isn't it?

Blue waves.

Mmm.

Hmm, reminds me of Hawaii.

Have you been there?

Oh, yes.

Did you love it?

I caught cold there.

Trade winds, you know.

♪ ...with a feeling
that I'm going to love you ♪

♪ Till the end of time. ♪

Hello.

Oh, Cecily, it's another raid.

Don't give them
your proper name.

It's Murray.

Hi, hi, hi.

I just came down to tell you

that we're all
feeling pretty bad

about kicking you out of your
place, so we took a new vote

and you can have
your apartment back.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Nice.

Oh, Murray, that's great.

Come on, girls,
the party's moving.

Let's go, let's go.

( women giggling )

A good time to forget

about unpainted ceilings
and dirty socks.

It's sweet of your friends to
give you back your apartment.

OSCAR: They're
really a great bunch of...

I just wanted to tell you
I voted no.

Goodness.
Is he always so angry?

Yeah, when he loses.

Last week, he ate
a pair of sixes.

Okay, sit, sit, sit, sit.

Oscar, remember, we still have
laundry down there in the dryer.

It's the uppermost thought
in my mind.

And now, my little pigeons,
it's time to coo.

We forget about poker.
We forget about the laundry.

This is the time
to finish our wine

and let our minds drift
to thoughts of love.

If they don't drift fast enough,

we have some scotch here
and some vodka

to help them along.

There you go,
my darling, and here.

Felix, come sit on the couch,
will you?

I've told the guys a hundred
times, use their coasters.

Rings, rings, rings!

Here, let me help.

No, sit. There isn't
that much to clean.

Felix!

If you have to clean, why
don't you clean in the kitchen?

You know, the kitchen...
It's in the other room.

Because the kitchen isn't dirty.

Well, I think they
want to be alone.

Cecily, I love you.

( giggling )

Gwendolyn, where have you

been all my life?

Hmm.

Well, we lived in Brighton
till I was 11

and then we moved to London.

( giggling )

( vacuum cleaner roaring )

Felix!

What are you doing?

There are ashes working their
way into the nap of the carpet.

My fist is gonna work its way
into the nap of your neck

if you don't stop cleaning!

Let me have a go.

I'll finish, I'll finish.

Thank you, Gwen.

You're welcome.

Well, Cecily's doing the dishes.

( sighs )

I finally have a minute
to sit down.

Felix.

Come with me.

I want to talk to you.

Right now!

Gwen?

Nice job, Gwen.

Thank you.

Look at your room, Oscar.

Where'd you get all
the laundry to do?

Everything you own
is on the floor.

These are my summer clothes.

Sit down, Felix.

Where?

Under there somewhere's a chair.

Feel around!

I'll stand.

Would you do me a favor?

What?

For my birthday,
let me clean up in here.

No.

At least let me empty
this big ash...

That's my jewelry box!

I like my room the way it is.

In my room, you could
eat off the floor.

You can eat off
the floor in my room.

There's some crackers over there

and, and here's a half
a tuna fish sandwich.

Why don't you eat it?

Felix, I didn't come here
to discuss my room.

In the living room
are two gorgeous girls.

Two female sexy animals.

And what are they doing?

They're cleaning
and they're tidying up.

I could get a 60-year-old lady
to do it

for two dollars an hour!

We'll be right with you, girls.

Take your time.

( incoherent muttering )

Felix, I've had it with you.

We're going to have it out
once and for all.

For starters,
stay out of my bathroom.

You know that fancy soap
you hung on a rope in my shower?

With water in my eyes,
I went to wash my neck,

I almost hung myself!

When I moved in here,
your bathroom was filthy.

It would have been condemned
by most gas stations.

I like filthy.

What I hate is you
and your habits.

I cringe every time
you empty your pockets.

You put your change
in neat little piles.

I'm not crazy about the fact

you have shoe trees
in your bedroom slippers.

And I'm not exactly
choked up about the fact

that you hang your underwear
on hangers.

Felix, I took you
into my apartment

because I thought we
could have some laughs.

But your idea of a fun evening

is defrosting the icebox.

Now you've ruined
another evening

with your tidying and your
cleaning and your fussying.

Are you finished?

I don't know.

How's it coming, girls?

( sweetly ):
Take your time!

Shall I proceed?

Go ahead.

It's true that you
took me in here.

It's also true that when I came,

you were huddled in the kitchen

eating gray spaghetti
with a pair of tweezers.

You think it's easy
living with you?

Look around this room.

Looks like somebody blew up
the Salvation Army.

Your closet is a slum.

Your clothes look
as if they're wrestling.

You put out your cigarettes
in your coffee.

Look at this.

There's a little baby logjam
in there.

Did you ever look
under your bed?

There's stuff
growing under there.

You stop exaggerating.

That's a little dust.

Lawrence of Arabia couldn't
make it through such dust.

I'm giving you fair warning.

If you don't let me
clean up in here,

I'm going to pack my things
and I'm leaving.

Now hear this!

Never mind my bedroom.

You better get out
in the living room.

Because I swear, Felix,
if one of those girls

isn't hugging and
kissing me passionately

in the next five minutes,

I'm throwing you out!

Well, everything's
settled, girls.

( chuckling )

Why don't you grab one of them

and hug and kiss her
passionately?

You've only got four
and a half minutes left.

It's a figure of speech, Felix.

It's a very sweet idea, Felix,

but I really think
we ought to be going.

Listen, the party's
just starting.

No, well, we're a bit tired

because we did all the cleaning.

And we've got to
pick up the laundry

and get up early in the morning.

Oscar, it's been
a smashing evening.

And different.

Ta-ta.

Ta-ta, Felix.

BOTH:
Ta-ta!

Ta-ta.

Don't talk, Felix.

Just don't talk.

I'm serious, Felix!

The only word I want
to hear out of you

from now on
is "good-bye."

And that's the word you'll
be saying tomorrow morning

when you and your belongings
are going out the door.

I'm going to pack.

I'm a silly man.

Anybody who hangs his underwear
on coat hangers is a silly man.

I belong in a slob hall of fame.

I've always been sloppy.

My mother says I used to throw
my diapers all over the floor.

I'm a rotten person.

On my fifth birthday,

my mother asked me
what I wanted.

I said a wastepaper basket.

I'll leave as soon
as I finish this wine.

Felix, it's not your fault
the girls left.

I'm too pushy.

I'd scare off Ma Barker.

No, you're not.

It's that I'm too shy.

In high school,

the only girl I ever
asked to a dance

was my sister.

You're lucky you had a sister.

She was ten years old.

The only thing she
enjoyed was the balloons.

Felix.

Felix...

maybe if we stay together,

we could help
each other's problems.

Well, failed as husbands.

I certainly don't want
to fail as a friend.

You're absolutely right.

Felix, we're staying together.

Oscar... tomorrow morning,
before I go to work,

I'm going to get us fixed up
with a couple of girls.

To us!

And the girls.

Hmm.

Watch me.

I can't...

Try it, Felix!
Go ahead!

Good night, Felix.

Good night, Oscar.

Oh, Felix?

Yeah?

You can clean my room tomorrow.

God bless you, Oscar.