The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 3, Episode 9 - My Best Friend's Girl - full transcript

Om...

What the hell?

- Shh! He's meditating.
- Ah.

Om...

(bangs gong)

(exhales)

I can't smoke cigars in here,
but you can make it smell

like a Thai massage parlor?

I would imagine.

Sorry, Oscar.

I know you are incensed by incense.



Just trying to regain my inner peace.

It's been two months
since Emily and I broke up

and I'm still feeling out of balance.

I did the same thing after my divorce.

Only instead of
meditation and chanting,

it was carrot cake and Merlot.

So, how was Shakespeare in the Park?

Was Ralph Fiennes amazing as Henry IV?

Eh.

He was okay.

CHARLOTTE: How would you know?

You fell asleep five minutes in.

Oscar!

How can you fall asleep
during Shakespeare?



Easy.

First you get confused,
then you stop listening,

then, before you know it,

your girlfriend's elbowing you
because Voldemort is bowing.

Well, maybe you'll like
part two of the play better.

The...

There's a part two?

Yes, remember?

Thursday night.

But there's a game on Thursday night.

What game?

Any game.

Oscar!

I cannot believe
that you are complaining

about going to the theater with
a beautiful, cultured woman.

Do you know how lucky you are?

I would trade places
with you in a second.

You know what?

Maybe we can make that happen.

Why don't you go with Charlotte?

Oh, that's sweet of you, but...

Oh, come on!

You love artsy stuff,

you hate hearing me snore,

and I love not going.

It's a win-win-win.

Well, if Charlotte doesn't mind,
I would love to escort her.

Great! What an amazing plan!

Yeah, what an amazing,
undiscussed plan.

FELIX: I'm so excited

for Thursday.

When we hear the immortal
words of Price Henry,

"I know you all, and will awhile uphold

the unyoked humor of your idleness".

And I can't wait till
Thursday when I hear

the immortal words of the pizza guy,

"I'm here.

Enjoy your cheesy bread."

Where's Felix tonight?

He's out with Charlotte.

In the past week,

he has saved me from a play,
an art opening,

and some dancing bird thing.

Swan Lake?

That's it.

And you're not worried

that Felix is gonna swoop
in and steal your woman?

(all laughing)

Well, Oscar, I'm...

I'm glad you're free to hang out
now that I'm back from Japan.

Why were you gone so long, Murph?

Well, you know how it goes.

You go on vacation, meet a girl,

end up hosting a Japanese game show.

You lead a dumb, crazy-ass life.

You're like a hunky Forrest Gump.

Oh, my God!

That lady is a buyer from Macy's

and she was admiring this
necklace that I made

and she wants a hundred for
a big event this weekend.

Oh, my God, that's great!

(all feign excitement)

Thank you!

Opportunity is finally
knocking on my door.

So, do you have all of
the hundred ready to go?

No, I just have this one.

That took me five hours to make,
times 99 necklaces...

Oh, my God, there's
no way I can do this.

Great, I just opened the door

and opportunity punched me in the face.

You know what?

What if we help you make them?

It's too crowded in our apartment,

but maybe we could do an assembly line

up in Oscar's place.

Really?

I can make it super fun for you guys.

Free beer...

All the onion rings you can eat.

That's a lot of onion rings.

This is huge.

Thank you!

I'm finally going to fulfill
my creative destiny!

Right after I sweep up all the
dead silverfish in the pantry.

Good evening,
you scrappy band of underdogs.

Hey.

How was the ballet?

Amazing.

Felix, what did you call it?

An invigorating exploration

of the boundaries of the human body.

Well, I would like to
explore the boundaries

of your human body.

Ugh.

I'm sorry, I knew two words in

that was going south.

And tomorrow night I have
secured us box seats

for the Arias of Love concert,

featuring our favorite soprano...

BOTH: Anna Netrebko!

Oscar, you don't mind if I'm
out with Felix another night?

Of course. I can't wait to not go.

I'll change and meet you at your house.

Okay.

This is the life!

Felix does the boring
five hours, then I swoop in

at the end of the night
for the fun five minutes.

Ten minutes.

Ten is good, right?

(Japanese game show music playing)

(woman on TV speaking Japanese)

MURPH (on TV): Konichiwa, dude.

Release the lizards!

I don't get your show, Murph.

TEDDY: Yeah!

Why are some of the
Tokyo Fun Time Lizards real

and some are women in lizard suits?

You know, man, after the second day,

I just stopped asking questions.

Great work, team.

And the necklaces look fantastic.

Oh, but remember, it's two
hex cuts between every rondelle

and every third cloisonné
should be onyx.

I tried to tell them that,
but I couldn't

say any of those words.

Well, maybe this is distracting you.

What is this?

Some kind of reptile porn?

(chuckles)

No, that's just my game show.

Though I did have sex with
that lizard woman on the left.

But, serious, you guys,

I just wanted to say
thank you so, so much.

It's like you have my
future in your hands.

Your greasy, greasy, hands.

Yeah, look!

I made a necklace
completely out of onion rings.

Maybe we could take a break

on the ol' onion rings.

Who wants to help me
pick out pocket squares?

OSCAR, TEDDY and MURPH: Not it!

Not... damn it!

Well, I've noticed
that Charlotte prefers

solid colors over patterns,
so I can't decide

whether to go with the white...

or the more daring cream.

I don't know, why not the cream?

Why not indeed!

(chuckles)

I will be the re-bel of the ball.

And she will be

my matching rebelette. Aw.

Look at you all giddy.

You know, in a different universe,

you and Charlotte
would make a great couple.

- Please.
- No, you two are adorable.

You could have one of
those cute nicknames

like Charlix or Fartulotte.

Probably the first one.

First one, yeah.

These are amazing seats.

That's not all.

I thought we could share this.

Sneaking in alcohol?

I never knew you were such a bad boy.

I'm wearing cream, aren't I?

I'll go grab us a couple glasses.

You two are such a lovely couple.

Oh, we're not a couple.

I don't know why people
keep saying that.

You seem so perfect together.

(laughs nervously)

She's actually my
roommate's girlfriend.

We are enjoying a night out
as lovers of the arts,

not of each other.

In fact, I'm just getting
out of a relationship,

so I'm not even ready
to think about dating.

(laughs nervously)

But if I were,

I would have to concede
that Charlotte does possess

many attractive qualities.

She's beautiful, obviously,

intelligent with a sparkling wit,

and I always look forward
to our next excursion.

And if I'm being completely honest,

I think I might want to spend
all of my time with her

and she might be the soul
mate that I'm looking for

and oh, my God, am I falling
for my best friend's girl?

(whispers): Felix!

I stole these when the
bartender wasn't looking.

I know it's wrong,

but sometimes you've just
got to go for it, right?

(warbly): Right.

To a night of love.

(warbly): To a night of love.

(orchestral music begins)

What the hell?

It's 8:00 in the morning!

Just trying to vacuum away the shame.

That...

That the rug must feel
for being so dirty.

I'm surprised you're up so early.

You were out so late with Charlotte.

What? No, we weren't!

Out for... normal amount of time.

Morning.

Hey, babe.

Speaking of normal.

There's normal Charlotte.

My normal friend.

Felix, I had so much fun last night.

Normal amount of fun.

And guess what.

Bryn Terfel is in town tonight

singing Scarpia in Tosca.

Now you're just saying things.

And I got us two tickets!

Oh, tonight?

I don't... I don't...

Not you, Oscar.

For me and Felix.

Oh.

Of course.

Tosca is one of your favorites, right?

(nervously): Of course.

But I feel like I have been
monopolizing your time, so...

CHARLOTTE: Not at all.

"Please," she asked,

having just bought two
very expensive tickets?

Well...

Great, it's a date!

Not a date!

But I will attend next to you.

Not plugged in there, pal.

Just practicing.

Only 28?

We are falling way behind,

people!

We're just so hungry.

I can go pick up some burgers.

The only thing I need you
picking up is the pace.

My deadline is tomorrow.

You can eat then.

This is not fun anymore.

She wouldn't let me go to the bathroom.

Hey, shh!

She'll hear us talking.

No one make any noise!

- (cell phone beeps)
- Get that phone, man!

It's from Charlotte.

She's at the opera.

She says they're about to have

a night they'll never forget.

Hey, it isn't weird that
Charlotte likes to go out

with Felix all the time, is it?

No, it is.

Definitely weird.

DANI: Can you blame her?

I'd be bummed if my
boyfriend didn't want to do

the things I love.

Not a good sign if you're
in it for the long haul.

But I am in it for the long haul.

- Doesn't seem like it.
- DANI: Sure don't.

You know, part of being
in a long-term relationship

is acting like you love
stuff you don't.

Like, "Sure, baby,
I'd love to spend Saturday

in the Wig District."

Where are you going?

To the opera-singing place!

Where's Oscar?

Did he take an
unauthorized bathroom break?

He's at the opera.

Hilarious, Teddy. (sighs)

I guess we will all have
to work that much harder.

You know what?

If Oscar's out, I'm out.

This is worse than hosting

that Japanese game show.

And they put jumper
cables on my nipples.

I'm out too.

You're mean.

And you lied about those onion rings.

That wasn't all I could eat.

Fine, quitters!

Dani and I will just finish
this by ourselves, right?

(giggles)

We will work here all night

if we have to.

Right?

I didn't get a program.

Can I look over your shoulder?

(nervous gasp)

Oh, you have an eyelash on your cheek.

Leave it, just leave it.

Hey, opera buddies.

Oscar!

What are you doing here?!

Well, I had to see

what the opera was all about.

Can't let you two have all the fun.

And to class up the night,

I brought this.

Chips.

In a tube.

Oscar, I know you hate
all this cultural stuff.

You don't have to be here.

But I want to be here.

What you like, I like.

Your thing is my thing.

It's Tosca...

I'm Osca.

That's sweet.

But I think when it comes to opera,

you either like it or you don't.

Right, Felix?

Wouldn't you describe it
as a feeling in your soul?

(nervous gibberish)

- (music begins)
- Oh, thank God, it's starting.

What's this one about?

Tosca is a tragic love triangle.

Is there any other kind?

It's about a happy couple
and an evil man named Scarpia

intent on stealing the woman away.

He's a bad, bad, evil man.

Does he get away with it?

No! He doesn't!

I've fallen for Charlotte!

I didn't mean for it to happen,
it just did!

Don't look at me! I'm a monster!

Felix? Felix?

His vacuum cleaner is here.

And it's cold.

Where could he be?

Oh, you know Felix,
always being so dramatic.

I'm just sorry he ruined
our big night of culture,

which I was super wide awake for.

It's from Felix.

"Dear Oscar, I'm so
sorry for my outburst.

"I don't know what came over me.

"Until further notice, I will be

"at the Cleansing Breath
Zen Retreat in Connecticut.

"P.S. I let the neighbors
know you'll be here alone.

Don't use the stove".

Oh, great.

Now all I want to do is use the stove.

Poor Felix.

I can't help feeling a
little responsible for this.

A little?

Or completely?

- Excuse me?
- Oh, come on!

Of course he thinks
he has a crush on you.

You're always like,

"Felix, you know so
much about the ballet."

"Felix,

I got two tickets to
that thing you like."

"Felix, let's get dressed up
as the Queen of England."

You wanted me to ask him
so you wouldn't have to go!

Well, I didn't want to go,
but now I do.

Who wouldn't?

Look at you, with your hair

and your eyes and your
intoxicating perfume?

I mean, should we be
having sex right now?

Really, Oscar?

Your friend is obviously freaking out

and you're not going after him?

You are so selfish.

Selfish?

I brought chips!

That you ate in the cab ride home.

That was stress eating!

And it didn't work, either,
because I'm still stressed

and I'm still hungry!

(exasperated sigh)

I'm going to make a grilled cheese.

I can't use the stove!

- Here's your grilled cheese.
- Ah.

Have you heard from Felix?

No, but it's only been one night.

I don't see why everybody
is so worried about him.

I mean, he's going to be fine.

We're all grown-ups, right?

They forgot to cut the crust off!

(sighs)

I'll do it.

Why not?

I'm a career waitress.

Waiting on people is what I do

when I'm not failing to capitalize

on life-changing opportunities.

Yeah, maybe you shouldn't
be holding the knife.

Aw, there she is!

If those are my jewelry supplies,

you can just throw them in the trash.

It's 100 completed necklaces,
ready to go.

We worked on them all night.

All damn night.

(loudly): I even got a bead

stuck in my ear.

Yeah, yeah, it's still in there.

I got to go to the hospital after this.

You guys did this even
after I was such a jerk?

I realized we weren't being
good friends to you.

You were in a tough spot,
and you needed our help.

Aww, you guys!

Come on, Oscar, you too.

Actually, I didn't help.

It's okay, you were probably
busy dealing with Felix.

Actually, I wasn't.

Charlotte's right.

I'm a selfish, bad, bad friend.

I deserve the crusts.

You guys are the best.

I thought I missed my one chance.

But now look.

These aren't tied off.

(loudly): Hey, those aren't tied off!

That was Oscar's job.

Oh, but he wasn't there!

Okay, listen up,

no one is leaving here until
every one of these necklaces

is finished!

Uh, you remember that thing
you apologized for...

Bup, bup, bup, let's go!

Oh, really appreciate you guys,

best friends in the whole world.

Come on, move it!

Hey, do I have time
to go to the E.R. first?

Welcome to the Cleansing Breath
Zen Center and Yoga retreat.

Yeah, okay.

I'm looking for a
strange little man who...

- Felix?
- Yeah.

He's in the rock garden.

Namaste.

OSCAR: Felix?

Are you the new janitor here?

No, this is a Zen garden.

By eliminating every imperfection

and footprint in this place,

it's possible to bring
calm to the world.

Unlike some people,

who seem to just be phoning it in.

Okay, that's it!

Oh, Lance, what happened to
your seven-day vow of silence?

It's worth breaking to say that you are

an insufferable,
judgmental, know-it-all

who is utterly without Zen!

Oh, I see someone didn't take
a vow against middle fingers.

Felix, are you all right?

I'm really worried about you.

Well, I've been
thinking about it a lot,

and I guess I've decided that I...

Oscar?

Charlotte!

What are you doing here?

I was worried about Felix.

What are you doing here?

I was worried about Felix too.

Well, at least we have
one thing in common.

Hey, guys, you're really messing
up my sand pattern here.

"One thing in common"?

- What does that mean?
- Well, look at you.

You're all beautiful
and classy and cultured,

and I'm, you know, me.

Yeah, so?

So? What kind of a future
are we going to have

if we're so different?

I literally just raked that.

Is that why you've
been acting so weird?

I don't want someone exactly like me.

I love that we challenge each other.

You do?

Does one of you guys want to rake too?

Yes.

I spend all day with snooty people.

I love that I get to come home to you.

So you can stop pretending
to like all my artsy stuff.

Thank God.

(chuckles)

Do you want to handle
this lunatic or should I?

I'll start.

Felix, are you okay?

Yes.

I suppose I'm just ashamed
for losing control

and making this so
awkward for both of you.

I know you think you have
feelings for me, but maybe

you were just enjoying a
little female companionship.

And maybe this is a sign

that you're ready to move on from Emily

and start dating again.

I think you may be right.

I just happened to be the
first woman you went out with,

and you got caught up in
the fantasy of it all.

Exactly, yes.

This wasn't about you at all.

I was just so lonely,
it could have been anyone.

Well, not anyone.

I mean, it could have been a mannequin.

Or a broom with a wig!

Or one of those

inflatable...

I think Felix made his point.

Well, I think I'm ready to
end this self-imposed exile.

Look out, Manhattan women

age 35 to 55 with
a passion for Scrabble,

because Felix Unger is DTF!

Hmm?

Determined to fornicate.

Let's go.

OSCAR: Felix!

Coming!