The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 3, Episode 8 - Felix Navidad - full transcript
In Christmas and Felix's mother is coming. And it drives Felix to make everything perfect because his OCD can be traced back to her always making sure everything is perfect. And Felix tries to make her Christmas cake to show her he can do it. But when she comes with her own cake, Felix feels like a failure. To help him Oscar asks everyone to come and all they want to do is leave and go to the bar. Oscar learns something which he reveals to Felix that proves his mom is not as perfect as she claims to be which leads to a confrontation.
Two Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reinbeers.
I don't write 'em, I just say 'em.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey.
I'm going to need these.
Felix's mother is coming for Christmas.
I thought Felix was built in
a government research facility.
It's nice to have family
around for the holidays.
That's because you
don't know his mother.
She holds him to these
impossible standards
and he drives himself crazy
trying to live up to them.
I have noticed that whenever she calls,
he starts dusting and ironing.
Once at the same time.
He's like a damn cartoon octopus.
(humming)
And let's just say
she is not a member of
the Oscar Madison Fan Club.
No one is.
Remember there wasn't
enough interest to justify
$7 a month for the website?
Why doesn't Felix's mom like you?
You're a delight.
She thinks I'm a bad influence.
That's why you're a delight.
I was looking forward to Felix going
to his mom's house for Christmas.
That way I could celebrate
my traditional "no pants" Christmas.
See, you wake up early
on Christmas morning...
And you don't wear pants.
It's really the most
wonderful time of the year.
Well, enjoying your Rudolph
the Red-Nosed Reinbeers?
(chuckles)
I wrote that.
Classic me.
I see you got the place all decked out
for your Christmas Eve party.
Well, I hope you all can make it.
We're going to have some great food.
Not from here, of course.
FRED: And I think I heard
a rumor that a special
guest from the North Pole
will be dropping in.
It's a shame you always
happen to be out of the room
whenever Santa drops by.
FRED: I know.
Maybe this year I'll be lucky
enough to finally meet
that handsome devil.
I love how he thinks
he's fooling us.
I mean, how gullible
does he think we are?
Hey, did you guys hear?
There's going to be a secret
guest at the Christmas party.
I think it might be Santa!
Hey, guys.
Well, it looks like
Freddy's making me work
the Christmas party.
It will be the
time-and-a-half of my life.
How come you got stuck
with it and not Maureen?
Because I'm not the one
who keeps asking Freddy
if he's been working out.
Like a rock!
You know what, though? It's good.
It's good.
I mean, my family's far away
and I haven't been
invited anywhere else,
so may as well make some extra money.
You know, for a therapist.
(cell phone chimes)
Oh, God, Felix's mom just landed.
More reinbeers, Maureen.
I'm going to need to get Blitzened.
Ho, ho, no.
Good tidings, fine sir,
on this Christmas Eve's eve.
You think you made this
place Christmas-y enough?
Not yet.
There's only one place
I'm putting these antlers,
and it will not make you jolly.
Oh, get in the spirit, Oscar.
Mother has entrusted me
with hosting Christmas
for the very first time, and
she has set the bar very high.
Take a look at this photo album
of the Ungers' Christmas past.
You simply must see my mother's buche.
I must not see that.
It's a cake, Oscar...
the buche de Noel,
the centerpiece of the
Unger family table,
and this year I have made
it for the very first time.
Come and look!
Okay, but only because it's in
the same direction as beer.
And here it is.
Mmm, chocolate.
No touching!
Please step out of sneezing range.
How do I know how far...
- There's tape on the floor.
- Okay.
Every year my mother would
lock herself in the kitchen
to create the perfect buche de Noel,
and this year,
after two sleepless nights
and one bracing rum toddy,
I have finally made one
that is worthy of her.
Felix, I know you want
to impress your mother,
but you've got to dial down the crazy.
- (doorbell rings)
- She's here.
(manically): Mother's here!
He dialed it the wrong way.
Mother!
Fe-Fe!
Oh!
Thank you for hosting your old mother
while her house is being remodeled.
We're thrilled that you're here.
Welcome to our home.
It looks lovely.
I'm so glad you took it to heart
when I said not to make a fuss.
Hello, Oscar.
You don't look any worse
than the last time I saw you.
Hello, Meredith.
Oh, please, call me Mrs. Unger.
What should I offer myself to drink?
Shot of vodka? All right.
I'm sorry that Randy
is stuck in Vermont
and won't be able to join us.
Yes, unfortunately he had
to oversee the tile placement
on our kitchen remodel.
He's such a perfectionist.
Randy is a general contractor
that my mother hired
who then installed himself
in my mother's bedroom.
Make it a double? All right.
Felix, I wasn't expecting you
to make the Christmas village.
No wonder you didn't
have time for a haircut.
I know, look at me.
I'm like one of the Grateful Deads.
What's this?
Open it.
It wouldn't be Christmas
if I didn't make
my famous buche de Noel.
Hey, what a coincidence,
Felix made...
sure that there's plenty
of counter space
in the kitchen for your masterpiece.
Ah, perfect as usual.
I will find a home for
it in the kitchen.
So, small talk.
No, thank you.
All right.
You okay?
Hmm? Never better.
(humming "Good King Wenceslas")
(continues humming as
garbage disposal whirs)
Uh...
What are you doing to your cake?
We don't need mine, do we?
Mother made a better one.
Now I just need to work harder
to show that I am capable
of hosting the Unger family Christmas,
so put on your antlers.
Felix, you really...
Antlers!
He shoved a perfectly good cake
down the garbage disposal?
I've never met Felix's mom.
I've only seen that picture
of them at his prom.
I feel so bad for him.
She keeps knocking him down
and he keeps smiling.
I've got this weird feeling.
Like I... want to help him?
What do you want to do?
Well, just support him.
When she knocks him down,
I'll lift him back up.
I'll let him know that I'm on his side.
You mean like be his friend?
Oh, God, this is going to be horrible.
Sorry, Oscar.
Hey, why don't you guys come with me?
It's going to be super fun.
You just said it was
going to be horrible.
Come on, guys, please?
No, we're going to be down
here at the party, partying.
But I need Unger buffers!
They're going to try
to pack every minute with fun
activities that aren't fun.
How do you know?
He gave me a program.
Hi, guys.
Emily,
I hate the idea that you have
to work on Christmas Eve.
Oh, Fred, thank you.
Oh, I don't hate it enough
to give you the night off.
But I got you something
that I think will make it
a little more fun.
Why be a waitress
when you can be Santa's little helper?
FRED: Huh?
It's a rental,
so take it off before you mop.
I'm letting the cleaning
crew go home early.
How thoughtful.
Well, it's Christmas.
♪ I really can't stay ♪
♪ But baby, it's cold outside ♪
♪ I've got to go 'way ♪
♪ But baby, it's cold outside ♪
FELIX: ♪ This evening has been ♪
♪ So very nice ♪
♪ I'll hold your hands,
they're just like ice ♪
They are really good.
It's just a weird thing
for a mother and son to do.
FELIX: ♪ ...floor ♪
That's his mother?!
♪ But baby... ♪
BOTH: ♪ It's cold outside. ♪
OSCAR: Bravo.
Bravo.
Do we deserve the applause, Felix?
Our harmonies were not
as good as last year.
Were you singing from your diaphragm?
I'm sure that I wasn't.
Apologies, everyone.
I rescind my bow.
Encore!
You know, encore!
- No, no.
- Nope.
She touched his butt.
Well, if I may, I shall go
and prepare the mulled cider.
I have been experimenting
this year with the addition
of nutmeg.
Sounds delicious,
if it were Thanksgiving.
You're right.
Nutmeg is a November spice.
How foolish of me.
Keep her busy.
Please don't leave us.
Ah!
So, uh, what was Felix like as a boy?
Very bright.
He self-potty-trained at 13 months,
and at 15 months learned
to clean that potty.
Well, that's a corner
piece to the puzzle.
They say there's a limit to how
long you should breastfeed...
- Oh, God.
- Uh, ring, ring... I better get this.
Hello? What?
Cat in the tree? Which branch?
The highest one? I'll be right there.
What was that about?
I don't know.
(under breath):
But I wish I'd thought of it.
One more clove.
And... still not quite right.
Focus, Fe-Fe!
(sniffs)
I'm sure it's going to be fine.
No, it's not fine.
And you know what else isn't fine?
I have been hearing a lot
of criticism tonight.
Oh, good, you're aware of it.
How could I not be?
You've contradicted
Mother at every turn!
Me? I'm not contradicting her,
I'm complimenting you.
She's the critical one.
She just has high standards.
You would not understand that,
as you are a person who
drinks hot dog water.
Well, I'm not just going to
pour it down the drain, man.
Just don't drive yourself crazy
for someone who's never
going to appreciate it.
How dare you insult
that wonderful woman?
She made me the man that I am today.
That's what I'm saying! It's her fault!
I shouldn't even be
wearing pants right now!
Here is the local haberdashery
right here on Main Street.
And who's that?
Oh, it's that lovable scamp Mr. Wilson
having a hot cocoa
with Miss Clara, the town librarian.
Hey, yeah, he is!
Speaking of cocoa,
I don't see one black person
in this whole village.
MEREDITH: You see, Felix,
that's the problem with
store-bought figurines.
I hand-paint mine.
It leads to a more inclusive village.
Thank you, Mother, for inspiring
me to do even better.
Hey.
Hey, Emily.
I needed a little break from work.
That party is already getting wild.
Oh, hi!
I'm Emily.
Oh, yes, the barmaid who thinks
she's too good for my son.
Well, look at that! Break's over!
Back to work I go.
Hold the elevator, Emily!
I've got to get to work too!
You work here.
I quit.
Happy holidays!
Well, too bad the girls
are going to miss
making gingerbread houses.
This year's theme
is mid-century modern.
Yes!
I'll get the candy adornments.
Could someone move my buche de Noel?
Oh, sure... tell me where it's parked.
She's talking about a cake, man.
Good Lord, be careful with it, Oscar.
Muscles, help him.
Show-off.
How long do we have to stay?
You know we're going to miss Santa.
I can't leave.
Felix may not see it, but he
needs my support right now.
What's that?
It's a receipt.
Here, give me that.
Oh, my God!
She bought this cake!
Do you know what this means?
She gets the biggest piece?
No, she told Felix she made it.
So she works at a bakery.
No, she lied to Felix about it.
So this is my chance to show him
that she's not perfect so
he can stop trying to be.
He'll be so much happier.
Great! Show it to him!
I can't.
He'll get mad at me.
He needs to find it for himself.
I can't believe I'm asking you this,
but do you have any ideas?
I do.
Follow me.
Where are you going?
Oh, I'm going to Langford's.
That was my idea.
Bye, Felix.
(shouting): Bye, Mrs. Felix!
Well, I see our friends prefer
to carouse in a common tavern.
Too bad for them.
Poor bastards.
All that beer and happiness.
Where's your mom?
She went to go call Randy.
But we could get started
on the candy cane carports.
That is if you still
want to participate.
Wait a minute,
is the star on top of the
Christmas tree crooked?
What?
My mistake.
Look, litter!
It's a receipt.
From a bakery.
For a buche de Noel.
What?!
But that would mean that Mother
didn't make the cake herself.
So, clearly she's not perfect.
Which means you can stop trying to be.
You must be so relieved.
Last year's buche... exactly the same.
And the year before that...
And the year before that.
How enlightening.
Hmm.
Well, I did it.
I've saved Christmas.
(garbage disposal churning)
(humming "Good King Wenceslas")
Tough week for cakes.
Randy says the remodel
is back on track.
Felix, what are you doing?
Oh, just destroying the proof
that my life is based on a lie!
(feebly): Family and holidays, huh?
Felix, what are you doing to my cake?
Your cake?
It was store bought!
I don't know what you mean.
Well, I'm feeling a
little third wheel-y.
And I'm feeling a little insulted.
Well, does this look familiar?
It's a receipt for one buche de Noel.
Fine, my kitchen wasn't
in working condition
because of the remodel,
so this year I bought the cake.
This year?
Well, let's take a little
stroll down memory lane,
with a sharp left on
betrayal boulevard!
Bought.
Bought.
(whispering): Bought.
All right, I didn't make the cakes.
Now can we move on to
our gingerbread houses?
Listen, while I am in
no way responsible...
Sit down, Oscar! It's craft time!
All right.
Mother, you owe me an explanation.
I don't know why you're
making such a fuss.
It's just a cake.
It's not a cake, it's a lie.
What else have you
lied to me about, hmm?
Nothing, what are you talking about?
Put the gumdrops down.
You hid this for 40 years.
What other flaws have you
been hiding from me?
Why is it so important to
you that I have flaws?
Because it would be nice to know
that you are an actual human being
and not just some impossible ideal
that I could never live up to.
Fine, you want a flaw?
I'm not the president
of my garden club,
I'm just a member.
That's not so bad.
And I don't have a master's degree.
And I know you think I
clean the house myself...
Oh, my God!
But when you were at school...
Don't say it!
I brought in a maid!
No!
Don't you see? If I'd known about
some of these flaws then maybe
I could have accepted my own.
Do you have any idea how
hard it is to be so...
so...
Anal? Sorry, continue.
You're the reason that I have
to vacuum north to south.
Why I alphabetize all the canned goods.
Why I won't let Oscar put
his bare feet up on the couch.
Wearing socks makes my feet sweat.
I'm sorry, Mother,
this is a lot to process.
I think, maybe, perhaps
you should go home
and spend Christmas with Randy.
Well, I can't really do that.
Why not?
Randy left me six months ago.
What?
He told me I was too judgmental,
but he's just the type of
person who thinks like that.
So he's not doing the remodel?
There is no remodel.
I made that up as an
excuse to come here
so you wouldn't find out I'm alone.
Mother, why did you hide
all of this from me?
I wanted to set a good example
so you'd strive to be the very best.
I'm sorry, Felix.
I never wanted to disappoint
you, but now you know.
Your perfect mother is
actually a bit of a mess.
Well, if there's one thing
I've learned from Oscar,
it's that a little mess
isn't the end of the world.
Thank you, Felix.
You're the only perfect
thing I've ever done.
Oh...
I shouldn't, I'm filthy.
Oh!
Oh, now we're both a mess.
Well, I know a place
you'll fit right in.
DANI: ♪ Joy to the world ♪
- ♪ The Lord is... ♪
- ♪ Our fries have come ♪
- ♪ Let earth receive... ♪
- Stop stealing my fries, Teddy,
unless you want me to kick
this curled foot up your butt.
And ring the bell.
What fun!
Yes, it's like that lively party
down on the lower decks of the Titanic.
Ho, ho, ho!
Welcome, Felix.
And who is your lovely date?
Father Christmas,
this is mother Meredith.
Oh, you have a smudge
of frosting on your cheek.
I'm sorry, I'm a mess.
Oh, I think it's cute.
I'm Fred, by the way.
This is just a costume.
Would you like some eggnog?
It's 90 percent rum.
I'd be a hundred percent delighted.
It was Fred the whole time?
Well, Oscar, me inadvertently
finding that receipt
has brought me and Mother
closer together,
so thank you for meddling.
Consider that my Christmas gift to you.
Because I didn't get you anything else.
- Merry Christmas, buddy.
- Merry Christmas.
Okay, everyone!
We have printed up all the
unpaid bar tabs for the year.
Whosever tab Santa pulls
will have all of their debts forgiven.
(cheering)
- Santa?
- Oh.
Oh, damn it,
- it's Oscar!
- (groans)
It's a Christmas miracle.
This is for you, Fe-Fe.
Oh, thank you, Mother...
what lovely wrapping.
Uh, Felix,
you don't have to worry
about saving the paper anymore.
Just let yourself go!
Rip into it!
Oh, yeah!
(laughs)
Oh, look at me, I'm a wild man!
Feels good to not be so uptight, huh?
That's what I've been saying, buddy.
No, sir! No, sir!
He's an animal!
I don't write 'em, I just say 'em.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey.
I'm going to need these.
Felix's mother is coming for Christmas.
I thought Felix was built in
a government research facility.
It's nice to have family
around for the holidays.
That's because you
don't know his mother.
She holds him to these
impossible standards
and he drives himself crazy
trying to live up to them.
I have noticed that whenever she calls,
he starts dusting and ironing.
Once at the same time.
He's like a damn cartoon octopus.
(humming)
And let's just say
she is not a member of
the Oscar Madison Fan Club.
No one is.
Remember there wasn't
enough interest to justify
$7 a month for the website?
Why doesn't Felix's mom like you?
You're a delight.
She thinks I'm a bad influence.
That's why you're a delight.
I was looking forward to Felix going
to his mom's house for Christmas.
That way I could celebrate
my traditional "no pants" Christmas.
See, you wake up early
on Christmas morning...
And you don't wear pants.
It's really the most
wonderful time of the year.
Well, enjoying your Rudolph
the Red-Nosed Reinbeers?
(chuckles)
I wrote that.
Classic me.
I see you got the place all decked out
for your Christmas Eve party.
Well, I hope you all can make it.
We're going to have some great food.
Not from here, of course.
FRED: And I think I heard
a rumor that a special
guest from the North Pole
will be dropping in.
It's a shame you always
happen to be out of the room
whenever Santa drops by.
FRED: I know.
Maybe this year I'll be lucky
enough to finally meet
that handsome devil.
I love how he thinks
he's fooling us.
I mean, how gullible
does he think we are?
Hey, did you guys hear?
There's going to be a secret
guest at the Christmas party.
I think it might be Santa!
Hey, guys.
Well, it looks like
Freddy's making me work
the Christmas party.
It will be the
time-and-a-half of my life.
How come you got stuck
with it and not Maureen?
Because I'm not the one
who keeps asking Freddy
if he's been working out.
Like a rock!
You know what, though? It's good.
It's good.
I mean, my family's far away
and I haven't been
invited anywhere else,
so may as well make some extra money.
You know, for a therapist.
(cell phone chimes)
Oh, God, Felix's mom just landed.
More reinbeers, Maureen.
I'm going to need to get Blitzened.
Ho, ho, no.
Good tidings, fine sir,
on this Christmas Eve's eve.
You think you made this
place Christmas-y enough?
Not yet.
There's only one place
I'm putting these antlers,
and it will not make you jolly.
Oh, get in the spirit, Oscar.
Mother has entrusted me
with hosting Christmas
for the very first time, and
she has set the bar very high.
Take a look at this photo album
of the Ungers' Christmas past.
You simply must see my mother's buche.
I must not see that.
It's a cake, Oscar...
the buche de Noel,
the centerpiece of the
Unger family table,
and this year I have made
it for the very first time.
Come and look!
Okay, but only because it's in
the same direction as beer.
And here it is.
Mmm, chocolate.
No touching!
Please step out of sneezing range.
How do I know how far...
- There's tape on the floor.
- Okay.
Every year my mother would
lock herself in the kitchen
to create the perfect buche de Noel,
and this year,
after two sleepless nights
and one bracing rum toddy,
I have finally made one
that is worthy of her.
Felix, I know you want
to impress your mother,
but you've got to dial down the crazy.
- (doorbell rings)
- She's here.
(manically): Mother's here!
He dialed it the wrong way.
Mother!
Fe-Fe!
Oh!
Thank you for hosting your old mother
while her house is being remodeled.
We're thrilled that you're here.
Welcome to our home.
It looks lovely.
I'm so glad you took it to heart
when I said not to make a fuss.
Hello, Oscar.
You don't look any worse
than the last time I saw you.
Hello, Meredith.
Oh, please, call me Mrs. Unger.
What should I offer myself to drink?
Shot of vodka? All right.
I'm sorry that Randy
is stuck in Vermont
and won't be able to join us.
Yes, unfortunately he had
to oversee the tile placement
on our kitchen remodel.
He's such a perfectionist.
Randy is a general contractor
that my mother hired
who then installed himself
in my mother's bedroom.
Make it a double? All right.
Felix, I wasn't expecting you
to make the Christmas village.
No wonder you didn't
have time for a haircut.
I know, look at me.
I'm like one of the Grateful Deads.
What's this?
Open it.
It wouldn't be Christmas
if I didn't make
my famous buche de Noel.
Hey, what a coincidence,
Felix made...
sure that there's plenty
of counter space
in the kitchen for your masterpiece.
Ah, perfect as usual.
I will find a home for
it in the kitchen.
So, small talk.
No, thank you.
All right.
You okay?
Hmm? Never better.
(humming "Good King Wenceslas")
(continues humming as
garbage disposal whirs)
Uh...
What are you doing to your cake?
We don't need mine, do we?
Mother made a better one.
Now I just need to work harder
to show that I am capable
of hosting the Unger family Christmas,
so put on your antlers.
Felix, you really...
Antlers!
He shoved a perfectly good cake
down the garbage disposal?
I've never met Felix's mom.
I've only seen that picture
of them at his prom.
I feel so bad for him.
She keeps knocking him down
and he keeps smiling.
I've got this weird feeling.
Like I... want to help him?
What do you want to do?
Well, just support him.
When she knocks him down,
I'll lift him back up.
I'll let him know that I'm on his side.
You mean like be his friend?
Oh, God, this is going to be horrible.
Sorry, Oscar.
Hey, why don't you guys come with me?
It's going to be super fun.
You just said it was
going to be horrible.
Come on, guys, please?
No, we're going to be down
here at the party, partying.
But I need Unger buffers!
They're going to try
to pack every minute with fun
activities that aren't fun.
How do you know?
He gave me a program.
Hi, guys.
Emily,
I hate the idea that you have
to work on Christmas Eve.
Oh, Fred, thank you.
Oh, I don't hate it enough
to give you the night off.
But I got you something
that I think will make it
a little more fun.
Why be a waitress
when you can be Santa's little helper?
FRED: Huh?
It's a rental,
so take it off before you mop.
I'm letting the cleaning
crew go home early.
How thoughtful.
Well, it's Christmas.
♪ I really can't stay ♪
♪ But baby, it's cold outside ♪
♪ I've got to go 'way ♪
♪ But baby, it's cold outside ♪
FELIX: ♪ This evening has been ♪
♪ So very nice ♪
♪ I'll hold your hands,
they're just like ice ♪
They are really good.
It's just a weird thing
for a mother and son to do.
FELIX: ♪ ...floor ♪
That's his mother?!
♪ But baby... ♪
BOTH: ♪ It's cold outside. ♪
OSCAR: Bravo.
Bravo.
Do we deserve the applause, Felix?
Our harmonies were not
as good as last year.
Were you singing from your diaphragm?
I'm sure that I wasn't.
Apologies, everyone.
I rescind my bow.
Encore!
You know, encore!
- No, no.
- Nope.
She touched his butt.
Well, if I may, I shall go
and prepare the mulled cider.
I have been experimenting
this year with the addition
of nutmeg.
Sounds delicious,
if it were Thanksgiving.
You're right.
Nutmeg is a November spice.
How foolish of me.
Keep her busy.
Please don't leave us.
Ah!
So, uh, what was Felix like as a boy?
Very bright.
He self-potty-trained at 13 months,
and at 15 months learned
to clean that potty.
Well, that's a corner
piece to the puzzle.
They say there's a limit to how
long you should breastfeed...
- Oh, God.
- Uh, ring, ring... I better get this.
Hello? What?
Cat in the tree? Which branch?
The highest one? I'll be right there.
What was that about?
I don't know.
(under breath):
But I wish I'd thought of it.
One more clove.
And... still not quite right.
Focus, Fe-Fe!
(sniffs)
I'm sure it's going to be fine.
No, it's not fine.
And you know what else isn't fine?
I have been hearing a lot
of criticism tonight.
Oh, good, you're aware of it.
How could I not be?
You've contradicted
Mother at every turn!
Me? I'm not contradicting her,
I'm complimenting you.
She's the critical one.
She just has high standards.
You would not understand that,
as you are a person who
drinks hot dog water.
Well, I'm not just going to
pour it down the drain, man.
Just don't drive yourself crazy
for someone who's never
going to appreciate it.
How dare you insult
that wonderful woman?
She made me the man that I am today.
That's what I'm saying! It's her fault!
I shouldn't even be
wearing pants right now!
Here is the local haberdashery
right here on Main Street.
And who's that?
Oh, it's that lovable scamp Mr. Wilson
having a hot cocoa
with Miss Clara, the town librarian.
Hey, yeah, he is!
Speaking of cocoa,
I don't see one black person
in this whole village.
MEREDITH: You see, Felix,
that's the problem with
store-bought figurines.
I hand-paint mine.
It leads to a more inclusive village.
Thank you, Mother, for inspiring
me to do even better.
Hey.
Hey, Emily.
I needed a little break from work.
That party is already getting wild.
Oh, hi!
I'm Emily.
Oh, yes, the barmaid who thinks
she's too good for my son.
Well, look at that! Break's over!
Back to work I go.
Hold the elevator, Emily!
I've got to get to work too!
You work here.
I quit.
Happy holidays!
Well, too bad the girls
are going to miss
making gingerbread houses.
This year's theme
is mid-century modern.
Yes!
I'll get the candy adornments.
Could someone move my buche de Noel?
Oh, sure... tell me where it's parked.
She's talking about a cake, man.
Good Lord, be careful with it, Oscar.
Muscles, help him.
Show-off.
How long do we have to stay?
You know we're going to miss Santa.
I can't leave.
Felix may not see it, but he
needs my support right now.
What's that?
It's a receipt.
Here, give me that.
Oh, my God!
She bought this cake!
Do you know what this means?
She gets the biggest piece?
No, she told Felix she made it.
So she works at a bakery.
No, she lied to Felix about it.
So this is my chance to show him
that she's not perfect so
he can stop trying to be.
He'll be so much happier.
Great! Show it to him!
I can't.
He'll get mad at me.
He needs to find it for himself.
I can't believe I'm asking you this,
but do you have any ideas?
I do.
Follow me.
Where are you going?
Oh, I'm going to Langford's.
That was my idea.
Bye, Felix.
(shouting): Bye, Mrs. Felix!
Well, I see our friends prefer
to carouse in a common tavern.
Too bad for them.
Poor bastards.
All that beer and happiness.
Where's your mom?
She went to go call Randy.
But we could get started
on the candy cane carports.
That is if you still
want to participate.
Wait a minute,
is the star on top of the
Christmas tree crooked?
What?
My mistake.
Look, litter!
It's a receipt.
From a bakery.
For a buche de Noel.
What?!
But that would mean that Mother
didn't make the cake herself.
So, clearly she's not perfect.
Which means you can stop trying to be.
You must be so relieved.
Last year's buche... exactly the same.
And the year before that...
And the year before that.
How enlightening.
Hmm.
Well, I did it.
I've saved Christmas.
(garbage disposal churning)
(humming "Good King Wenceslas")
Tough week for cakes.
Randy says the remodel
is back on track.
Felix, what are you doing?
Oh, just destroying the proof
that my life is based on a lie!
(feebly): Family and holidays, huh?
Felix, what are you doing to my cake?
Your cake?
It was store bought!
I don't know what you mean.
Well, I'm feeling a
little third wheel-y.
And I'm feeling a little insulted.
Well, does this look familiar?
It's a receipt for one buche de Noel.
Fine, my kitchen wasn't
in working condition
because of the remodel,
so this year I bought the cake.
This year?
Well, let's take a little
stroll down memory lane,
with a sharp left on
betrayal boulevard!
Bought.
Bought.
(whispering): Bought.
All right, I didn't make the cakes.
Now can we move on to
our gingerbread houses?
Listen, while I am in
no way responsible...
Sit down, Oscar! It's craft time!
All right.
Mother, you owe me an explanation.
I don't know why you're
making such a fuss.
It's just a cake.
It's not a cake, it's a lie.
What else have you
lied to me about, hmm?
Nothing, what are you talking about?
Put the gumdrops down.
You hid this for 40 years.
What other flaws have you
been hiding from me?
Why is it so important to
you that I have flaws?
Because it would be nice to know
that you are an actual human being
and not just some impossible ideal
that I could never live up to.
Fine, you want a flaw?
I'm not the president
of my garden club,
I'm just a member.
That's not so bad.
And I don't have a master's degree.
And I know you think I
clean the house myself...
Oh, my God!
But when you were at school...
Don't say it!
I brought in a maid!
No!
Don't you see? If I'd known about
some of these flaws then maybe
I could have accepted my own.
Do you have any idea how
hard it is to be so...
so...
Anal? Sorry, continue.
You're the reason that I have
to vacuum north to south.
Why I alphabetize all the canned goods.
Why I won't let Oscar put
his bare feet up on the couch.
Wearing socks makes my feet sweat.
I'm sorry, Mother,
this is a lot to process.
I think, maybe, perhaps
you should go home
and spend Christmas with Randy.
Well, I can't really do that.
Why not?
Randy left me six months ago.
What?
He told me I was too judgmental,
but he's just the type of
person who thinks like that.
So he's not doing the remodel?
There is no remodel.
I made that up as an
excuse to come here
so you wouldn't find out I'm alone.
Mother, why did you hide
all of this from me?
I wanted to set a good example
so you'd strive to be the very best.
I'm sorry, Felix.
I never wanted to disappoint
you, but now you know.
Your perfect mother is
actually a bit of a mess.
Well, if there's one thing
I've learned from Oscar,
it's that a little mess
isn't the end of the world.
Thank you, Felix.
You're the only perfect
thing I've ever done.
Oh...
I shouldn't, I'm filthy.
Oh!
Oh, now we're both a mess.
Well, I know a place
you'll fit right in.
DANI: ♪ Joy to the world ♪
- ♪ The Lord is... ♪
- ♪ Our fries have come ♪
- ♪ Let earth receive... ♪
- Stop stealing my fries, Teddy,
unless you want me to kick
this curled foot up your butt.
And ring the bell.
What fun!
Yes, it's like that lively party
down on the lower decks of the Titanic.
Ho, ho, ho!
Welcome, Felix.
And who is your lovely date?
Father Christmas,
this is mother Meredith.
Oh, you have a smudge
of frosting on your cheek.
I'm sorry, I'm a mess.
Oh, I think it's cute.
I'm Fred, by the way.
This is just a costume.
Would you like some eggnog?
It's 90 percent rum.
I'd be a hundred percent delighted.
It was Fred the whole time?
Well, Oscar, me inadvertently
finding that receipt
has brought me and Mother
closer together,
so thank you for meddling.
Consider that my Christmas gift to you.
Because I didn't get you anything else.
- Merry Christmas, buddy.
- Merry Christmas.
Okay, everyone!
We have printed up all the
unpaid bar tabs for the year.
Whosever tab Santa pulls
will have all of their debts forgiven.
(cheering)
- Santa?
- Oh.
Oh, damn it,
- it's Oscar!
- (groans)
It's a Christmas miracle.
This is for you, Fe-Fe.
Oh, thank you, Mother...
what lovely wrapping.
Uh, Felix,
you don't have to worry
about saving the paper anymore.
Just let yourself go!
Rip into it!
Oh, yeah!
(laughs)
Oh, look at me, I'm a wild man!
Feels good to not be so uptight, huh?
That's what I've been saying, buddy.
No, sir! No, sir!
He's an animal!