The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 3, Episode 10 - Should She Stay or Should She Go? - full transcript

Food, food!

Not our food.

Hey, we ordered before they did.

Hey, here's the thing... they tip.

Greetings, chaps.

What are you, the Not-So-Great Gatsby?

Those are nice binoculars.

What are you, looking at stuff?

These are for my bird-watching club.

Now that I'm single,
I'm trying to meet women

with similar interests



in the hopes of finding
my perfect mate.

Oh.

You're dating again.

Good... that's great.

Yes, I am able to since
you broke up with me.

So...

lucky me, I guess.

I didn't mean for it to sound like I...

I am just glad that
you're able to date again

after I...

Order up for Emily.

Oh, order up for me, gotta go.

So, have you met anyone yet?

Well, to be honest, it has
been fairly slim pickings.



WOMAN: Felix!

You just missed a
white breasted nuthatch!

Thank you, Muriel.

Muriel, these are my friends, who can

keep their opinions to themselves.

Hello.

ALL: Hi.

Excuse me,

I need to use the little girls' room.

An older lady, all right.

Can't put a price on
experience, because

that would cost a fortune.

Top-notch jibes, top-notch.

But it's not so easy looking for love,

and I'm not going to find
my soul mate by sitting at home

and polishing my fiddle.

Which is not a euphemism.

Listen, dating doesn't have
to be that complicated.

Watch.

(grunting)

I'm Michelle.

Want to get out of here?

Yeah, yeah.

You want me to write that down?

I'm good.

Okay.

Felix,

there are a lot of ways to meet people.

In this new world, all you
have to do is use technology.

What are you doing?

I just took your profile pic.

You just joined a new
app called Seek-A-Boo.

No... I'm not going to
search for women on the Internet

like the way I shop for
vintage German vacuum parts.

This app works.

I had three dates last week...

steak, duck, and I'm seeing
lobster again tonight.

Dating is a numbers game.

Do you know how many
women I had to go through

before I met Charlotte?

Yes... our bedrooms are
right next to each other.

Muriel,

may I escort you home?

Oh, Felix, I'm flattered, but
I just don't see you that way.

- Hey, babe.
- Hey.

- I'm headed up to my place.
- Okay.

Oh, um...

I'll take a rain check.

I mean, you've brushed
your teeth, I haven't.

It's not a level kissing field.

You know, if you want, you could leave

your toothbrush here,

right in this thing.

Felix says it's more
than just a beer holder.

That's okay.

Oh, come on.

We've been dating each
other for six months.

We've named each other's naughty parts.

Good morning, Dani.

I didn't hear the bad thing.

So you really don't want to
leave your toothbrush here?

I've got my routine.

I'll see you later.

Bye, Dani.

Mmm.

What, "Mmm" about the toothbrush thing?

I don't want to get involved.

But you're saying there's something

not to get involved in.

I'm not saying anything.

I'm just saying.

Well, well, say what you're saying.

Okay.

I was watching a nature
program the other night,

and when a penguin gives a pebble

to another penguin, it
signifies a serious commitment.

What?

I'm not sure Charlotte
wants your pebble.

Oh, you don't know anything.

Charlotte and I are great.

Mmm.

What's wrong with my pebble?

Ah, checking out your
new dating app, huh?

Well, curiosity got the better of me,

but it's ridiculous.

I mean, how is one supposed to choose

between thousands of random women?

As God intended...
by physical appearance.

Oscar,

that is no way to start a real,
meaningful relationship.

Well, you shouldn't be looking

to get into a relationship right now.

They're really confusing.

Is everything okay with Charlotte?

Yeah, I think so.

Women are very hard to read.

Just like books.

I'm looking for that
one to curl up with

for the rest of my life.

No, don't be looking
to settle down right now.

You should just go out, meet
someone, and have a good time.

If, by "good time,"
you mean casual sex...

I do.

...then count me out.

I have never had a one-night stand,

and I don't intend to start right now.

And what are you doing?

Look at her.

She seems nice.

Well, yes, but how do I know
if we have anything in common?

Well, you're about to find out.

You're meeting her for drinks tonight.

I can't go on a date
with some strange woman.

Well, you could stand her up,
but that wouldn't be

very gentlemanly.

Oscar, there is no way...

Here's a picture of her in a bikini.

Well, I am a gentleman.

- Uh, Eve?
- Yes.

Hello.

I am Felix Unger, from the Internet.

Can I get you something to drink?

Gin and tonic.

I will have same, with just
a passing mention of lime.

Little bit of lime.

So,

your profile said
you're a photographer.

You know, Eve, I thought, um,

instead of small talk
tonight, we could try this.

It is a series

of 36 questions designed
by a psychologist

to accelerate intimacy

and determine long-term compatibility.

Oh, I don't know if I want to do that.

Question number one.

When did you last weep, and why?

Thank you.

Could you get started
on my next one, please?

Oh, question 17... this is a fun one.

Have you ever thought about
how and when you will die?

Yeah, since question three.

I need to go to the ladies' room.

- Oh.
- I'll be right back.

Oh, she's just going to the bathroom.

Oh, God, I hope not,
because she's out there

on the sidewalk.

Oh, well, maybe she
needed some fresh air.

She's waving at a taxi.

She probably knows that taxi driver.

And now she's getting in the taxi.

And the taxi's driving away.

You may remove her drink.

By the way, climbing a volcano.

I'm sorry, what?

Question 12... what's the
wildest thing you ever did?

Oh, really?

Yeah.

A volcano.

How daring.

Oh, I'm-I'm Felix, by the way.

Natasha.

(both gasp)

I think I have a new answer

for question 12.

(whoops)

(yodeling)

Say, Felix?

Didn't we have the
yodeling conversation?

Sorry, Oscar, it's just hard
to contain my jubilance.

Ah, your date went well.

Well, you know that
I never kiss and tell,

but I had sex last night,
which involved a lot of kissing,

and now I am telling you.

Congratulations, buddy.

My first one-night stand.

I'm a hound.

Hey, don't forget, I'm
the one who picked her out.

So I hope you thought of me
last night while you two were...

Never mind.

Actually, Oscar, it wasn't
the woman you picked.

She wasn't my type.

Ran out on you, did she?

Like there was a fire drill.

But then I struck up a conversation

with the bartendress.

Shot down, and he
soldiers on and gets up

- to make me breakfast.
- Actually, no.

This is for Natasha and me.

She's still here?

And you're making her breakfast?

That's not the way
one-night stands work.

You don't feed 'em.

Oscar, I'm a gentleman,

and as such I can't
allow a guest to leave

without offering them a proper meal.

Hey...

Natasha,

this is my roommate, Oscar.

Hey...

Your place is amazing.

I share a shoebox

with, like, three other people.

34, and I've got a
bathtub in my kitchen, what?

Anyway, fun night, Felix.

I'll see you around.

- Natasha?
- Don't.

FELIX: Would you care to...

Do not.

...stay for breakfast?

You did.

Sure.

I mean, who turns down a free meal?

Wonderful.

Oh, Felix, this looks really nice.

Well, thank you for saying so.

See, it's fine.

Make it quick... one egg and out.

Well.

I hope you like
fresh-squeezed orange juice.

Sneak a little vodka in there,
you've got yourself a deal!

Seems like the coast is clear.

Did Natasha egg it and leg it?

(chuckles) Came up with
that one on the walk home.

Actually, um...

Oh... my... God!

That whirlpool bathtub

was fantastic!

I almost just proposed
to one of your air jets.

You're still here, and you're bathing.

You know what?

It is such a beautiful day out,

I think I'm gonna go lay out
on the balcony for a while.

Lie... objects lay, people lie.

Okay, cool.

So when's the wedding?

What am I supposed to do?
I can't get her to leave.

That's why you're not
supposed to feed them!

Now she's topless...
she's on the balcony

without a top!

Hey, Oscar, we need
to call the network...

Nope, don't need to see that.

I'm not going to get
my eyes clawed out.

Damn my chivalry!

I am too nice to get rid of her.

Luckily,

I'm not.

Natasha, may I speak
to you for a moment?

What up, dude?

I just think it might be breast
if... best if you were to...

CHARLOTTE: Oscar?

Oh, my God, it's Charlotte!

- Who's Charlotte? Hi!
- Get down!

Get down!

Not what it looks like.

That's Felix's one-night stand,

and I was not staring at her chest.

Except for one, but that's it.

Okay, I believe you.

You do?

'Cause I'm telling the truth,

and I don't even buy it.

It's okay.

You can stare at naked women all day

if you want.

You don't care?

What's going on with you?

Nothing... what?

Well, first you won't
leave your toothbrush here,

then you don't mind if I'm staring

at another woman's breasts,
which I did not, except for one.

Are you checking out
of our relationship?

No.

Okay.

I did get a little rattled
when you asked me

to leave my toothbrush here.

Why? What, what do you
think I'm gonna do with it?

Nothing.

It's just leaving my toothbrush here

and getting upset if you
stare at another woman...

they're signs that
we're getting serious.

And the last serious
relationship I was in

was my marriage, and I got crushed,

and I just want to be careful.

Look, I got burned
by my last divorce, too.

Literally, she... she threw soup at me.

(laughs)

But let's not let our past
screw up our future.

Okay, I will gladly
leave my toothbrush here.

And as for looking at breasts,
eyes down here, buddy.

Allow me to take you all out to lunch.

Oh, good, you are robed.

That makes sense.

It is getting awfully late.

I agree.

- You do?
- Yes!

It's lunchtime.

I'm starving.

Ooh!

Chips and salsa?

I didn't know you were Spanish.

Oh, Natasha, you know,
it's funny... there's so much

that I don't know about you.

Like, um, oh, anything.

For example, if you were
to go home right now,

how would you do that?

By, um, subway or taxi or...

Could you open this for me?

(grunting)

Wow.

So strong.

Yes, I do Pilates.

And, um... hot yoga.

You're, like, the nicest guy ever.

I know.

CHARLOTTE: Here we go.

I was scared of combining our lives,

but knowing you want it as much as I do

makes me feel good.

Here's to our future together.

(jail cell door sliding,
then clanging shut)

We did it!

We sure did!

Oh, my God, what have I done?

Hiya, hot stuff!

Well.

It is nice to see you in
the hand-woven dress shirt

that I was saving
for a special occasion.

Hey, you're still here.

And you're wearing a shirt...
that's new.

Oh, sorry, babe,
I didn't know you were there.

Yeah, I'm always here.

Just like you are.

And your toothbrush.

Oh, you brought your own toothbrush?

That's so smart.

I just borrowed Felix's.

Nope, keep it... just keep it.

You know, I was thinking
maybe I should leave

a few other things here,
like some face wash,

maybe a robe.

Oh, a robe.

So now we're in my closet.

That's nice.

Felix, maybe

I should leave some stuff here.

(gasps)

Oh, and I could bring my dog, too!

Of course then I'd
have to bring my cat.

They're like brother and sister.

There you go...
nice quick breakfast bar.

Don't want you to be late for work.

Oh, no worries, I took the day off

so I could hang with my baby.

Please tell me you have an actual baby.

And maybe I could leave

some almond milk in your fridge.

And now you're in my kitchen.

Are you okay?

No.

No, no, I'm not!

You're smothering me,
you're smothering me!

What?

Baby, they don't have what we have.

Agreed.

I'm just going to check
on him very quickly.

Oh.

Hello, all.

Ah, you can have my seat, Felix.

I'm gonna call it a day.

Okay.

I was actually just stretching.

You know what, sure.

Well, I think I shall join you all

in quaffing a cold one.

You don't quaff beer.

He's avoiding Natasha.

(laughs)

That is silly and very accurate.

Felix, you haven't kicked that girl

to the curb yet?

Oh, I can't... to be honest,

I've never ended it
with a woman before.

I usually become overbearing,

and they leave me,
if you can believe that.

I can.

So, what am I supposed to do?

Felix, the way you
break up with someone

is by being brutally honest.

Like last night, I said,
"Dear, I'm only on this date

because I want that lobster."

Well, I hope you did it after dinner.

I'm honest, not stupid.

No, no, Felix, you've got
to trick them with flattery.

You know, like, "Baby, you could
do so much better than me.

You're an African queen."

(laughs)

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

We're sharing with Felix
how we break up with somebody.

Oh.

Well, I probably
shouldn't be the one...

I really don't...

Oh, what's that, table five,
more mustard?

Coming right up.

I just... I don't know
what to do. This is insane.

What's wrong with me?

There's nothing wrong with you.

You were right... you're just not
a one-night stand kind of guy.

Yes, I think we all know that,

except for the squatter
in my apartment.

I get that... you're
looking for more than sex.

You're looking for someone
to spend your life with.

Right.

Someone who drives you crazy

and makes you do dumb things,

but you can't picture
your life without her.

Want to go talk to her?

Yeah, I think so.

I think you owe $12.25.

And your portion of the onion rings.

Dummy, we're having a moment here.

Always has his moments
when the damn bill comes.

(Natasha laughing)

Ah, the Real Housewives are on.

Natasha?

Felix.

Park it right here.

How about you give my feets a rub?

You know, you may want to get
that little gray toe looked at.

Oh.

- Natasha...
- Oh.

I am going to be
brutally honest with you.

Um, as it turns out, I guess
I am just not the sort of person

who is comfortable hopping
into bed with virtual strangers.

Are you calling me a slut?

No, no, no, no... no, you're great.

What I meant to say was...

Baby, you could do
so much better than me.

You're a African queen.

Oh, did you take one of
the pills from my purse?

Okay, please leave.

Get out, get out, get out,
be gone, you foul temptress!

What is wrong with you?

You're crazy!

Dude, I was ready to leave

two days ago, but you asked
me to stay for breakfast.

You told me to take a bath

and lay out on the balcony!

I gave you a Jacksonville jiggler,

which, you know, puts a lot
of strain on my lower back.

(groans)

I have never been so happy to leave

and go back to my boyfriend.

I did it.

She's gone.

Felix, you old heartbreaker.

Oscar, what are you doing?

I'm going to show you something

that you're really going to like.

You've said that before
with mixed results.

It's your own shelf.

For all your mysterious lady things.

Okay, Oscar,

what is going on?

First you want to get closer,
and then you run away.

Well, that's because
you drive me crazy.

I drive you crazy?

Yeah.

Because I realized

that I love you, Charlotte.

And that's why I do
all these stupid things,

because...

I've fallen in love with you.

Are you going to say anything back?

Is it coming anytime soon?

I love you, too, Oscar.

Oh, good, because I was just going

to take it back.