The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 3, Episode 11 - Batman vs. The Penguin - full transcript

Oh, good.

Your whole gang's here.

Aah!

Are you okay? 'Cause
your nails are hitting bone.

It's just, your friends
are such a tight knit bunch.

They joke around with each
other, and I feel like

the new girl who doesn't
know who to sit with

in the cafeteria.

Well, you're in luck,
because you get to sit

next to the big man on campus.

Me.



Hey, everybody.

Say hi, loudly, to Charlotte.

- Hey, Charlotte.
- Hello!

Hello, Charlotte!

Why didn't you tell me
Charlotte was deaf?

Emily, can you bring over
another chair, please?

Oh! Great.

Thanks.

Glad I didn't wear a skirt. (chuckles)

You guys want any appetizers?

Yeah. How about a big veggie
platter for the table?

Are you joking?

Of course I am.

Ha!



Just bring us one of everything, fried.

(laughs) Yeah. The way to win
our hearts is to clog 'em.

MURPH: Oh, hey! Guys.

My segment's about to start.

Hey, pipe down, everybody!

My client is about to come on TV.

(chuckling): No. N-Not Oscar.

My new client, Murph.

CROWD: Oh!

I'm in this segment, too.

Shh!

I'm Marcus Murphy,
and this is Pick Against a Pro,

where a local sports fan goes up
against a professional analyst.

This week, our sport is hockey.

And our pro is veteran
radio host, Oscar Madison.

"Veteran"?

Oh. That doesn't mean soldier,
it just means old.

It's not a stretch, but I got to go

with the Islanders over
the Hurricanes, 'cause...

He kept talking. (chuckles)

Now let's hear from our amateur.

He works at the Central Park Zoo,

and let's just say he's a pretty...

cool customer.

The Ice Man.

(trilling)

And there you have it. The Ice Man

seems pretty confident
with the Hurricanes.

Unless he's just... winging it.

Murph, you could've told me
The Ice Man was not a human.

Oh, sorry. I-I, personally,

I always just assume bird
unless told otherwise.

Hey. I almost forgot.
I have extra tickets

to tonight's performance of
kabuki Shakespeare. Any takers?

- (groaning)
- Yuck!

Everyone said no to you!

Big deal. So the penguin
randomly waddled

through the Maple Leafs gate.

Any dumb animal can get lucky.

MAN: So far, the penguin's 9-2,
while you're 4-7.

Who's the dumb animal again, huh?

Yeah. Well, unlike The Ice Man,

none of my family
has been eaten by seals.

That's our show. Thanks for listening.

I'm Oscar Madison.

Wow. People can't stop
talking about that bird.

I wonder if he has an agent.

Yeah. That Ice Man is pretty adorable.

More adorable than me,
when I sign your paychecks?

Don't make me choose
between cute and money.

(humming)

Hey.

How was your sports
discussion broadcast?

Wall-to-wall penguins.

Global warming can't
happen fast enough.

Well, I got to go. Work stuff.

Hi. I'd like to order a
gift basket for a penguin.

Oh, hey.

Hey, everyone! Great news.

- to be their Jewelry Designer of the Month!
- Oh!

Insert cocky hair flip here.

(laughs) Look at you,
getting all successful.

I know!

They even want a photo of me.

And lucky for me,

I know a very gifted photographer.

Who is it? Felix must know him.

What do you say, Felix?

I would be honored.
We could do it at my studio.

I'll block out the whole day for you.

Thank you so much!

My pleasure.

Oscar, would you like
to help me with the dishes?

(scoffs) No.

There's a blueberry muffin
batter bowl that needs licking.

Yes.

Can you believe how far we've come?

It's the kitchen.
It's, like, eight feet.

Me and Emily. We're finally on
the path to being friends again.

Don't you think that's
gonna be a little awkward?

You two being alone
after she dumped you?

No. It's the perfect
way for us to get back

to how it was before we started dating.

I don't know. The last time
you looked at her Facebook page,

you got so worked up,
you had to take a bubble bath.

That was months ago,

and those were foaming bath salts.

And I chose the perfect
dress to showcase the jewelry.

(chuckles) Are you sure
this is a good idea?

- What?
- A full-day photoshoot with your ex?

The last time you asked
him to do something,

it was to stop being your boyfriend.

That's why I chose him.

I already rejected him once.

If he heard I went with
a different photographer,

it would break his heart.

So, you're doing this
because you feel guilty?

That's why I do most things.

My parents were very religious.

Besides, Felix is an incredibly
talented photographer.

When we were dating, he used
to take my picture all the time.

Hmm.

In fact, he took some very tasteful...

Don't say it.

...Boudoir photos.

I just think you guys are in a
different place now, and I just,

really think you should
find another photographer.

No. I don't want to
look for someone new.

I want Felix.

I can't imagine anyone
being better for me than him.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. I'm not proud.

No, no. I just overheard Emily,

and I think she might
still have feelings for me.

- Really?
- Yes. I don't know what to do.

I've spent the past few months
getting over her, and now,

suddenly she's opening the door again.

This is very confusing.

How are you gonna
handle the photo shoot?

Well, I'll just have to hide my anxiety

and appear completely professional.

I'll be calm and cool and collected.

- Felix?
- (screams)

Ooh! Sorry.

(chuckles) I was just gonna say,
I will see you tomorrow.

And I'm looking forward to it.

Forward is also the direction
that I am looking.

To it.

"It" being the photo shoot.
Hasta mañana.

Hi, Felix.

Oh! Emily. Welcome to the photo studio.

(they chuckle)

- You can put your coat over there.
- Oh.

(shrieks)

Is that what you're wearing?

Yeah. Is it too much?

No. (chuckles)

Maybe it's too little. Ha, ha...

(exhales)

Well. Shall we get started?

Great. So, what do you
want to do with me?

Are you okay?

Ah. Okay. So, let's just, uh...

- get you, uh, on your mark over here.
- Okay.

And, uh...

Okay. Good. Um... And the, uh,

uh, the necklace needs to move

a little bit more,
into the, uh, the center,

- of, uh, you're, um...
- Hmm?

Chestal region, there.

- Oh.
- I'll let you do that.

Great! And perfect. Let's
start shooting, shall we?

Oh!

Okay. (chuckles)

Great. Shoulders back. Okay, not
that far back. And long neck,

Long neck. Way longer.

Not that long.
Obviously, not that long.

Great. And tilt the head?

Let's get a head tilt. Other way.

Other way, obviously.
Obvi... Okay. Great.

And smile. It's great.

This feels a little awkward.

You're telling me. (sniffles)

MURPH: After a week,

The Ice Man is ahead
with a record of 21-7,

while Oscar Madison is 14-14.

Seems like Oscar's picks
are... for the birds.

Yeah!

Hey, everybody.

I brought snacks.

I already ate.
I had a baby carrot yesterday.

No. Not veggies.

Heart-clogging hot wings!

- Ooh, girl!
- Oh!

- If you insist.
- Bring 'em here, woman!

Hmm-hmm... Uh-uh-uh!

You better not, Oscar. You know
how birds make you choke.

(laughter)

Yeah. Instead of calling
them bird brains,

they should call them Oscar brains.

(laughter)

Yeah, Oscar. You know,
the penguin's your arch enemy,

but you're no Batman.

- What?
- You got it, Charlotte!

You go, girl. Burn, baby. Burn!

Laugh all you want,
but I'm not giving up.

I'm gonna tap into my NHL source
and get some inside information.

The penguin's lucky
streak is about to end.

- Well, you're gonna need this.
- Why?

'Cause you're about
to get foiled again!

(laughter)

(grunting)

Actually, that is not from
the Batman world, that's from...

Whatever, nerd!

(laughter)

Have a wing, have a wing, girl.

Go Bailey!

So...

What do you think?

My mom told me that if I don't
have something nice to say,

to just change the subject.

Isn't is amazing how long turtles live?

(groans)

You hate these pictures
as much as I do.

I'm sorry, girl, but these stink.

I know. You were right.
It was so uncomfortable.

Felix wouldn't even touch me.

It was like I was a motel bedspread.

You have got to get new photos,
and if you can't relax with him,

then you got to use somebody else.

No. I can't fire Felix.

I'm trying to erase my
guilt, not add to it.

Then you need to ask
him for another shoot,

but this time,
do it someplace where you,

you feel comfortable
and-and you're relaxed,

not when you're looking
like someone who...

- Ate bad Mexican food?
- Mm.

Swallowed a bug?

Girl...

- Just got their kidneys stolen?
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, Felix. This is Luc
Robitaille. He was a King.

Your Highness.

No, no. He used to play
hockey for the L.A. Kings.

He's giving me the inside
scoop on all the games.

Inside scoop?

- I thought we were just catching up.
- We are.

We're catching up on, uh, the fact

that the Rangers' goalie has insomnia,

Duran's being audited,
and, uh, what's up with Korczak?

He's been terrible lately.

His mom's in a coma.

Yes!

I mean, because she still
has a chance to pull through.

Oilers... to lose.

I have to go. Bye, Oscar.

Give it up. That bird's your daddy.

Oscar, I'm in a tough spot.
I need some advice.

Really? Are you having
your ass handed to you

by a penguin?

No, it's Emily. Now I am positive

that she wants to rekindle things.

At the photo shoot,
she wore a sexy dress,

and she was practically
begging me to touch her.

And take a look at the sexual tension

in these photos, huh?

Love, love...

lust.

Really? 'Cause that looks like a still

from a hostage video.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know. I mean,

if she's up for it, maybe I am, too.

Well, just be careful.

I would hate to see you get hurt.

(phone vibrates)

Pittsburgh lost?

How could a penguin
not pick the Penguins?

Hey, Felix.

Emily.

- Hey.
- Hello.

Hi. (chuckles)

Um, I just looked at the
photos... love them.

In fact, um, I love them so much

I actually want more.

I was wondering,

could we maybe do another day together?

- Really?
- Yeah.

And I was thinking that,
um, maybe this time

we could do it in a more,
uh, relaxed setting.

Maybe I could come to your place.

What do you say?

I say okay.

Great. It is a date.

- Hello.
- Oh, hey, Charlotte.

- There she is!
- Hey.

I just heard the score
of the Devils-Flyers game.

Sorry, you lose. Peng-win!

(laughter)

I don't understand how this
bird is winning so much.

Unless someone's helping him.

Someone from the inside.

If you weren't my boss,
I'd call you crazy.

Charlotte, call him crazy.

No, actually, I think
maybe Oscar's right.

Maybe the penguin's got
a mole on the inside.

An actual mole!

(laughter)

Damn, Char, you are bringing it!

Ah-ah!

Oscar, the show starts in a minute.

Yeah, I'll be right back there.

Did you see that?
I'm finally fitting in.

They even called me "Char."

That's, like, halfway to a nickname.

Yeah, and all you had to do was

- throw me under the bus.
- What?

Just because they're being jerks

doesn't mean you have to
go all Don Rickles on me.

I wish somebody had my back.
I wish you had my back.

Are you serious right now?

Is all the yelling and
arm waving not clear?

I'm sorry, I'm just in a bad place.

Because of the penguin thing?

I know it's silly, but
knowing sports is my job,

and now I'm turning
into a laughing stock

at the one thing I'm
supposed to be good at.

If I lose that, what do I have?

Oscar, I'm sorry.

I didn't know it was
bothering you so much.

That's because I'm good at hiding it.

I've got many levels.

Well, two.

Oscar, the show starts in 30 seconds.

Oh, and there's a zoo in Florida

that wants to see if you
can outwit a manatee.

But don't worry, I did some research,

and they're real dumb.

You probably can do it.

(man clucking)

Well, that doesn't sound
like a penguin at all.

That sounds like a chicken,

so the joke's on you.

My point was you're
scared of the penguin,

so you're a chicken.

Oh, well, that's pretty good.

Please tell me that's our last caller.

Nope. Up next is Charlotte,
from Manhattan.

Hello, Charlotte, you're on the air.

Hi, Oscar.

Everybody thinks
that penguin is so classy

because he looks like
he's wearing a tuxedo,

but I think you're right.

Deep down he's a cheating,
flightless little bastard.

Go on.

If I were you, I'd go down to that zoo

and see what he's up to.

And if you have a
supportive girlfriend,

maybe you could bring her, too.

Charlotte from Manhattan,
that is a great idea.

Thanks for calling.

I'm gonna go get that penguin.

Oscar? Oscar, you got...

Oh, yeah, 40 minutes of show left.

Do you really need sunglasses?

I don't want The Ice
Man to recognize me.

Ugh! Do penguins not have noses?

OSCAR: Well,

something definitely
smells fishy around here.

I'm doing a Batman thing.

Yeah, I got it. It's good.

So...

what's your theory on how
the penguins are cheating?

Well, you see that bucket
of fish right there?

Maybe somebody who knows
a lot about hockey

is luring The Ice Man
through the right gate.

But how do we bust them?

Well, Batman would wait

till the coast was clear,

and then he'd scale this wall

and catch the bad guys red-handed.

Whoa. Maybe you're Batman.

Uh, no, Oscar, that's your thing.

No, I like it.

I'm dating Batman.

- Okay, come on.
- What?

- Come on.
- In...

It's a two-foot wall.
Scale it, scale it!

Whoa. The smell is definitely
not getting better.

MURPH: Hey, you guys set
up in your usual spots.

- Murph's here!
- Hide!

Hide, hide!

Oh...

Hey, Felix. Are you ready?

I think so. Not totally sure.

I've been thinking about it all day.

I guess let's just proceed
and see what happens, hmm?

(hesitantly): Okay.

Well, um, just to make it

a little more comfortable this time,

do you mind if I put on some music?

- Uh, okay, sure.
- Okay, great.

- Of course.
- Ooh.

Can I dim the lights a little?

Ooh, maybe I'll pour some wine.

It'll set the mood.

Help us relax.

(romantic music playing)

Okay. (chuckles)

Second time's a charm.

Emily, I can't do this.

No, you can relax.

I saw you do it once.

No, what I mean is...

we can't get back together.

W-Wait, what?

I heard you say that you want me,

and then you invented
a reason to come here

for the second photo shoot,

with the wine and the freaky sex music.

Felix...

(shushing)

Don't embarrass yourself, kid.

It's funny, a couple months ago

this would have been exactly
what I was hoping for.

But I know that since
our breakup, I have grown,

and in my heart, I have moved on.

And, yes, it was hard to get over.

But I did it, and you can, too.

Wow. (chuckles)

You really put all that
together, didn't you?

Uh, news flash,
when you want something,

you are not a subtle woman.

(laughs)

You know what? You are right.

Of course.

- And I'm-I'm really glad that you
- Mm-hmm.

Picked up on all my obvious clues,

and didn't think this was all just some

crazy ploy to get photos
for that Web site.

As if.

And since you kind of

just broke up with me,

now it's like we're even.

I mean, now we can hang out as friends,

and I don't have to feel bad

about breaking up with you anymore.

Yes. Emily,

I'm setting you free.

Oh...

(chuckles)

Well, I mean, since we're here,

should we take some
pictures just for fun?

Sure.

Just as friends?

Just as friends.

Wait, don't move. You look perfect.

(camera shutter clicks)

- Are they still there?
- OSCAR: It may be a while.

Murph's having trouble
pronouncing the word "Montreal""

What's that?

Um...

Bat Juice.

You okay?

There's something I didn't tell you.

Birds absolutely terrify me,

with their pointy beaks
and their flesh-ripping talons.

- I don't think...
- They used to be dinosaurs!

Wow, you're really scared,

and you still did this for me?

Of course.

I love you, Oscar.

And I've got your back no matter what.

(Oscar grunts)

Pointy nails on my bone again.

(whispering): Look behind you.

So many birds.

Okay, let's get you out of here.

No, we can't go now.

We still haven't figured out
how the penguins are cheating.

And what if the camera crew sees you?

Oh, I don't care about them anymore.

All I care is that
Charlotte from Manhattan

is on my side.

Okay?

Don't look directly at them.

Oscar?

Oh, guys,

forget the "Mon-treel" segment,
shoot this.

Oh, no, another one.

(trills)

Well, well, well...

we finally meet face to face.

You may think you're pretty cool,

but you're just a penguin,

and I'm Batman!