The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 2, Episode 13 - The Ex-Factor - full transcript

All right, talk me through

your thought process.

You were wearing a vest,
I asked you if you wanted

to get a drink at
Langford's you said yes,

then you changed into a different vest.

You know, I actually
prefer the term "waistcoat."

And historically...

Nope, that's enough.

What's wrong?

Oh.

Running into the ex-girlfriend...
that can always be...



...awkward.

Hi, Felix.

- Hello, Charlotte. Good to see you.
- Where are you off to?

Oh, just, uh, going to get a drink.

By myself.

I'm drinking alone.

Okay, have fun.

Tell Oscar I said. hi.

I will.

If I'm not blotto.

Oh, look.

It's Oscar the Crouch.

All right, look, here's the deal.

It's been three months
since Charlotte and I



"pressed pause," or
whatever she called it,

and now whenever we see each other,

it's weird... I don't know
what to do with my hands

or my arms or my nether regions.

So you just hide?

Or run. Or open an umbrella
in front of my face.

I've got options.

Oh, no, here she comes.

Oscar?

Hey...

Oh, wow... there he is right there.

So, what do you got going
there, a little mail?

Little mail action. I'm a male.

Spelled differently. Doesn't matter.

Well, I should get going.

Yeah, you, too.

Oh, Oscar, look, I know
this is hard for you,

but you have got to move
on and see other people.

Come on, we'll talk
about it over drinks.

I can't.

I'm stuck.

This is the second time today

that we've had to do this.

Oh, come on, guys, I hate online dating.

I don't want to go back to that.

Meeting enough women

cowering behind the
doorman's desk, are we?

All right, Murph, what do you got?

Well, there's a lot of
dating Web sites out there,

but LoveMerge is by far the best.

And why is that?

Well, 'cause they pay me to say
"LoveMerge is by far the best."

So you've met lots
of women on this site?

Well, to be honest,
I don't use this site

because, well...

But it's got a big user
base, and that's the way

you got to look at this...
it's a volume business.

You know, he's right, Oscar...
you've got to get back out there.

It's like when they
discontinued your favorite candy.

Ah, Tart 'n' Tinys.

You moped around for weeks,
and then you found new love.

Skittles were right
there the whole time.

- Exactly.
- Well,

I don't want to use my real name

or a photo, 'cause I'm
kind of a celebrity.

- That's plausible enough, I suppose.
- Sure. Yeah.

Okay, this is crazy.

What?

Um, a-a year ago

I applied for an internship in London

for this jewelry design house,

and the woman that
they hired instead of me

got hit by a car... you
know, wrong side of the road

and all that. Anyway,

now they want me!

Oh, my God!

Congratulations!

Yeah. The only problem
is, they want me there

for three months.

Mm.

You're gonna need somebody
to take care of your dog

and stay in your apartment,
which is much nicer than mine.

See where I'm going with this?

Wow, three months... that's, uh...

that's a long time.

I know.

I was thinking the same thing.

Oh, please.

Three months is nothing.

Do you have Wi-Fi?

So what are you going to do?

I don't know. I mean, on one hand,

do I really want to uproot my life?

But then, on the other hand...

maybe it's fate.

Because what's my favorite song?

"London Bridge Is Falling Down"?

"Werewolves of London"!

Oh... of course!

Although, I like to
think that fate would have

better musical taste when
giving you a sign, so...

Well... what do you think I should do?

Well, sounds like a great opportunity.

You think so?

Yes. I mean, London
is a world-class city.

It would expose you to
a whole new client base.

It could be everything you want.

Right. So you would have no problem

with me being gone for so long?

- I never said that.
- No, but you didn't... even hesitate.

I mean, here I am, stressing
out about being away from you,

and you're like, "Follow your dream."

Can you see why I might be upset?

How would you describe my eyes?

Piercing or icy blue?

You're right. I'll go with both.

At least pretend that it would
be hard to say good-bye to me.

Of course. It would kill me to
be away from you for so long.

But I don't want you to
turn it down and then

spend the rest of your
life wondering "what if."

I'm sorry, Felix.

I'm... I'm just confused.
I mean, a year ago

I would have jumped at
this opportunity, but...

I love my life here.

I don't want to leave.

You know,

- just to play devil's advocate...
- No.

I am staying.

Who would want to
spend three months away

from this amazing man?

Is that question open to the room?

Quick-witted.

Yeah.

How do you spell "witted"?

Hey, Maureen. I'm meeting
a woman for dinner.

You want your dumping table?

Nope. My first-date table.

The overhead bulb is
out, so I'm not over-lit,

and I can face the TV
in case she's boring.

Oh. Hey, Oscar.

How'd your date go?

Is it over? Did you make her cry?

She's not here yet.

She said she'd be
wearing a pink sweater.

Oh, there she is. Pink sweater.

Oh, my God. Are you
sure that's not salmon?

Or mauve? It looks mauvey.

What are you talking about?
That's definitely pink,

and she's cute... why
don't you go meet her?

Because I already have.

Oscar?

Dani, meet Ashley.

Felix's ex-wife.

Hmm.

Do I announce my departure
or just slink away?

- Please don't leave me.
- Slink away, it is.

Seriously? All the
human beings in New York,

and I get a you?

Oh, yeah. Like I want to go
out with my roommate's ex-wife.

Also, mean!

You know, it serves me right
for agreeing to out with someone

who didn't post a picture.

I can't post a picture. I'm a celebrity.

Also, you look nothing like your photo,

with the makeup and the
shadows and the pretty.

It was artistic!

If you wanted me to recognize you,

you should have been
glaring with disdain.

Yeah, like that.

You two talking or drinking?

Oh, I could use a scotch.

Make it two. And this isn't a date.

So I still got a shot.

Hooray.

You know,

Felix is gonna freak out
when he hears about this.

He'll start climbing the
walls, and then, you know,

vacuuming the ceiling.

Actually, he's kind of in a good place.

He's... got a girlfriend
now; he's happy.

Oh.

Good. That's good.

He deserves it.

Yeah.

So, what happened to
that guy you were dating?

Which one? Crunches granola in bed guy

or "I believe in Atlantis" guy.

Oh.

Are we ordering dinner?

Well, I'm gonna get a Cobb salad.

You can stay if you like.

Salad? Since when do you eat anything

that doesn't end in "dog" or "nugget"?

Well, turns out Felix has been
sneaking green stuff in my food

a little bit at a time, and
I'm actually kind of liking it.

Hmm. Yeah, that's how he
got me into Baroque music.

He started by humming it
when I was falling asleep,

then he made it my ringtone.

Now I jog to it.

Say what you will about Felix,

he broadens your horizons.

And trims your hair while you sleep.

You know what? A Cobb salad sounds good.

Maureen, call us crazy,
we're gonna order dinner.

Ordering dinner in a restaurant.

Huh. Couple of real trailblazers.

Well, called the guy in London

and I told him that I'm not coming.

And how did he respond?

He was pretty mad.

But mostly because it's five hours
later there and I woke him up.

Oscar.

You're home early. How was your date?

It was very... interesting.

We had a lot in common:
divorced, no kids,

and we've both seen you naked.

You went on a date
with Yurgé the masseur?

No.

Well, the only other person would be...

Oh, my God, Ashley?

But how...

I mean... Did you...

It was a total coincidence.

I shouldn't have said anything.

But wait, you just had dinner

with my ex-wife, the
two of you, together?

Felix, are you okay?

What? Of course. I don't even care.

Why would I care? We've been
divorced for over a year.

That chapter of my life is
completely not... still open.

- Would you get me a glass of water?
- Sure.

Thank you, darling.

Tell me everything.

What did she order?
Did she ask about me?

Does she still have
bangs, or has she returned

to that unflattering side part?

I thought you said you didn't care.

Of course I care. We were
married for 15 years...

until she ripped out my
heart and fed it to birds!

But you've moved on, right?

Of course. I've moved
on, and I'm very happy now.

Oh, did you tell her that?
That I've let go of the past

and I'm very happy? I bet
that would kill her.

And that, Oscar, is why Helen
Hayes is aptly referred to

as the First Lady of
the American Theatre.

Hey, Emily.

You went on a blind
date with Felix's ex...

and she hates you, and you hate her,

and you called yourself a celebrity?

When at best, you're a personality.

Oh, Lord, my wife is always mad,
my kids are always screaming,

but your life puts a smile on my face.

In Oscar's defense, it's not his fault
he ended up on a date with Ashley.

- It was Murph's dating site.
- Dating site?

Aw, if you want to
make a real connection,

you need a real person to set it up.

Oh, no. I hate setups.

I know the perfect
woman. Her name is Alexis.

She's new in my office. She's smart,

she's funny, and she loves sports.

I don't know, Teddy.

Here's a recent photo.

Loves sports, you say?

I'll set it up.

Huh.

Ashley just texted me.

"Would you like to meet for coffee?"

I wonder what she wants.

I don't know. Maybe
she thinks enough time

has passed, and you can be friends.

Hmm. I can't think
of any reason why not.

Ooh, that's dangerous territory, buddy.

Especially when you have a girlfriend.

What? It's just two adults
meeting for a casual cup of Joe.

I'll make that clear to Emily.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
- Oh!

- whoa.
- Are you out of your mind?!

What? I'm not gonna go
sneaking around behind her back.

I have to be honest with her.

I don't even know what to say to that.

Oh. Hey, guys.

Emily, I'm glad you're here.

Come on, Oscar. Let's go cut
those promos back in the office.

What? I want to watch.

I'll show you an episode of
Baywatch that Alexis was in.

She played Woman Running Slowly in Sand.

Okay.

What was that about?

Oh, you know them. Just
a couple of buffoons.

But, um, one thing is, um,

Ashley texted me.

Uh-huh.

And she would like to meet
for coffee, and, you know,

I think it would be a
bigger deal if I said no.

Uh-huh.

But you're going to say no.

I wasn't going to say no.

So, no, you're not going to say no?

We're getting into a weird
double negative thing here.

Felix, you're not actually
going to have a coffee date

with your ex-wife.

It's not a date. It's just a...

I don't know what it is.
She wants to get together.

What's-what's wrong with
that? I mean, we were married

for 15 years. I think you're making

way too big a thing out of this.

Am I? I saw how you reacted

when Oscar said he
had dinner with Ashley.

"But how... I mean... Did you..."

You know, Oscar said you'd be upset.

Well, Oscar was right!

Aha!

No.

Okay, this is all
starting to make sense now.

What are you talking about?

This is why you were practically
begging me to go to London,

so I would be an ocean away
while you decided if you wanted

to get back together with your ex-wife.

Okay, yeah, you got me.

Two days ago, I travelled
into the future to see

that Oscar would go
on a date with Ashley.

She would then invite me for coffee

so that we could begin a torrid affair,

having previously advised
you to leave the country.

And, oh, and did I mention
I have a time machine?!

So you're going to coffee?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Okay. Then I'm going, too!

Not to coffee, to my apartment!

Where I may or may not have coffee!

Did I mention I have a coffee machine?!

I see you still make the foam hole.

I've yet to discover
a more efficient way

to get sugar past the
dairy barrier, so...

That used to drive me
crazy. But you know what,

- it totally makes sense.
- You should tell that to Oscar.

When he sees me do it, he
calls me another kind of hole.

You know, this reminds me

of that cafe we went to in Venice,

the one with the tiniest
coffee cups in the world.

- Yes, but the strongest coffee.
- Mmm.

You got so hopped up on caffeine

that you commandeered a gondola.

Mm-hmm.

We had some good times.

We did.

And now

that I've been dating for a year,

I realize those aren't so easy to find.

Not with Oscar.

I can't believe you ended
up on a date with him.

I can't believe he made me pay.

Yes, you can.

Well, I'm still glad I ran into him.

'Cause if I hadn't, I
wouldn't be here with you.

So... maybe it was fate.

Maybe.

Felix?

Yes.

Have you ever thought...

What?

You know, that...

there's a chance that we could ever...

I'd be lying if I said the
thought hadn't crossed my mind.

And?

A year ago, I would have given anything

to hear you say those words. But...

my life is different now and...

I'm actually pretty happy.

I just, um...

It's okay.

I'm glad you're happy.

Oh, God, I haven't
heard this song in years.

I kind of love it.

This was fun.

Yes, it was.

I had a plan to bail on you
that I never had to execute.

You know, I'm gonna have to
thank Teddy for setting this up.

It's exciting, having
drinks with a celebrity.

Oh, please!

We're just like you.

Well, thank you

for the best night
I've had in a long time.

Me, too.

Wow. You guys really hit it off.

You just sat there laughing
and talking for hours

at one of my only tables on
the busiest night of the week.

Well, obviously you liked her.

Yeah. She's beautiful, bright,

knows what a celebrity is.

She sounds perfect.

Yeah.

It's just...

she's not Charlotte.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We're gonna need this.

Oscar, Charlotte was great,

but you can't keep pining after
her. You're wasting your life.

Says the girl who's passing
up a chance to go to London

to work here for 15% tips.

You hog a table all
night and only leave 15%?

The hamburger was cold

and, frankly, I didn't
love your attitude.

Look, it's not every day that
something amazing comes along.

And you can't expect to be
happy if you just keep living

your life in limbo while
opportunities pass you by.

Yeah?

Yeah.

So I want you to stop
feeling sorry for yourself,

get off your ass, and
take charge of your life.

You're right.

Thanks, Emily.

No, seriously,

get off your ass. I need this table.

I got bills to pay.

Oh! Hi.

Oh!

Emily, I was just
coming down to see you.

There's something that
I want to tell you.

There's something I
want to tell you, too.

Okay.

Um...

Okay. Uh, ever since
my divorce with Ashley,

a part of me has wondered

if we would ever get
back together again.

And... I'm glad I went for coffee,

because I know now I don't want that.

I want a future with you.

I'm going to London.

I can't put my arms down.

Felix,

this is, um... it's something

I've been thinking about, and I...

- I realized I just have to do it.
- Okay,

if this is about
Ashley, I promise you...

No, no, no, it's not. It's just...

It's-it's not every day

that an opportunity like this comes by,

and I-I realize I
just... I can't let it go.

So this is really happening?
Three months?

It's like you said,
I mean, I can't spend

the rest of my life wondering what if.

What about us?

Well, if we're...

as strong as I think we are,

I think that we'll be okay.

Oh. I'm sorry, I was eavesdropping!

Emily, this is great news! I'm
gonna run down to your place

and free up some space on your DVR!

Oscar.

Charlotte.

It's good to see you
not hiding behind a desk.

Or an umbrella.

You knew that was me?

It was a clear umbrella.

So, what are you doing here?

I realized you don't get a lot
of shots at something like this,

and I don't want to let it slip away.

I see you're leaving the door open.

I guess I am.

Another great meal, Felix.

I especially enjoyed
the giant tater tot.

Hold onto your hat.

I just tricked you into
eating a baked potato.

Whoa. You're like a wizard.

I just... I feel like I've
been neglecting you lately.

Taking care of you is exactly
what I need to take my mind

off the fact that
Emily is an ocean away.

So I return to my most challenging task,

Mount Oscar.

"Mount" being a noun, not a verb.

What exactly are we talking about here?

Well, step one: physical rejuvenation.

So tomorrow begins with sunrise yoga.

Ugh.

- Followed by a pancake breakfast.
- Mmm.

That we will be serving
to the homeless.

Ugh.

Because step two is
spiritual rejuvenation.

Ooh, tomorrow? I just remembered,

- Charlotte and I have plans.
- No.

I already talked to Charlotte,
and she is taking her son

to the beach for the entire weekend.

Did I say "Charlotte"? Because Teddy...

Has been informed not to bother
us as we spend the afternoon

shopping for trousers.
Which, coincidentally,

is the name of the
off-off-Broadway play

we're seeing tomorrow night.

Where are we going?

To Dani's old apartment.

You live there now.

Oscar!

Oscar!