The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 2, Episode 12 - All the Residents Men - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Well, this is an all-time low.

I can't believe we lost to
a public radio cooking show.

Hey, don't look at me.

What are you talking about?

You struck out four times

and didn't catch a single ball.

That's why I don't
want you looking at me.

Murph, I'm most disappointed in you.

Why me? I-I got five home runs

and that cute shortstop's phone number.

I know. Didn't you hear me call dibs?



Oh, I thought you said "ribs."

Ooh, we should get ribs.

Oh, you know what, I can't.

I got a date with that cute shortstop.

Great news.

Mrs. Johnson-Peña has abdicated

her position in the BTA.

Who's Mrs. Johnson-Peña?

The elderly woman who lives on nine.

Right. And what's the BTA?

The Building Tenants Association.

Understood. And...?

Abdicate means to resign.

Mrs. Johnson-Peña's
departure leaves a vacancy,



a vacancy that I plan to fill

after I win the election and become...

dramatic pause...

the new president of the BTA!

Do you get paid?

Only in the satisfaction

of helping others in the
joy of seeing my portrait

hanging on the Wall of Presidents.

So no.

Although the position does come

with a free parking space

big enough to hold
my recumbent bicycle.

But not enough for two of them,

so I guess you shouldn't buy me one.

Ugh, bummersville.

I can't believe this is happening.

I could actually be the next president

of the Royal Arms.

Won't you all help me
commemorate this moment

by singing our building's anthem?

Our building has an anthem?

♪ Building ♪

♪ Strong and full of charms ♪

♪ We salute thee, Royal Ar... ♪

You know, what am I doing?
This is crazy.

I should be accompanying
myself on the cello.

We've got five seconds.

Go, go, go!

Where was this hustle on the field?

We were never this motivated.

Yes, Mrs. Blaustein,
just calling to make sure

I've got your support for the BTA.

Yes, that thing that Frannie did.

Yes, splendid.

I won't let you down.

I've got Mrs. Blaustein.

Mmm.

That means you got Mr. Blaustein too.

She rides that man like a show pony.

Excellent.

Emily, how is it coming
with the slogans?

Okay, I have narrowed it down to...

"Peace, Love and Unger-standing."

Word play, love it.

"Felix Se puede."

For the Ecuadorian family in 6-F.

Me gusta.

And "Surr-Unger to Unger."

I feel like it's slipping
away from us. Keep at it.

Bad news, Felix, someone
defaced your lobby cutout.

They drew a graffito on my face.

That is the singular for graffiti.

And that's why I did it.

Oscar!

Felix, why are you campaigning?

You're running unopposed.

Because I need the unwavering
support of the entire building

if I'm going to enact my plans.

Oh, Felix, tell him about
your idea for the laundry room.

Oh, yes. I would like to designate

separate machines
for whites and colors.

Now, Dani tells me that I need
to present this idea carefully.

I think what I said was, "What
the hell is wrong with you?!"

I also want to start
a weekly coffee social

so that we can build up a
stronger sense of community.

I don't know anyone in the building,

but I know they would hate that.

Right now, the only contact I have

with some people in the
building is smelling

their cigarette smoke on the balcony.

A disgusting habit.

Which will be the first thing I outlaw.

Wait.

I smoke my cigars on the balcony.

That's right.

I couldn't get you to stop as roommate,

but as president, I'll have the power.

Felix, people don't want
to hear from the board.

They just want to be left alone.

That's what I would do
if I were president.

What?

I'm just having a hard time

picturing you as president.

You don't think I could get elected,

or you don't think I could do the job?

Yes.

People would vote for me.

Dani?

I don't live here.

You earn your paycheck here.

Oscar for president.

Emily, what do you think?

Well, let's just say that I have a...

"Hunger for Unger."

Okay, you did good. Thanks.

You know what,
the people in this building

would be lucky to have someone like me

just to save them from you.

Well, I guess we'll never know.

Or will we?

Oscar, you can't be serious.

On behalf of balcony smokers

and people who don't give a crap,

I hereby enter the race
for president of the...

What is it again?

BTA.

Yeah, that. I'm gonna
be president of that.

Good morning, fellow tenants.

Whoa.

I thought you were the cutout.

Take one of my flyers.

It details the 14-point
plan I will enact

when you elect me as your leader.

I liked the cutout better.

Yeah, I miss the mustache.

Hi. You want a doughnut?

I'm Oscar Madison,

and I'm running for
president of the BLT.

But you've got your hands full.

So here we go, and here we go.

Wow, you really think this
strategy will work, huh?

You think people can be
swayed by free doughnuts?

No, they want to know where
you stand on the "iss-ues."

People don't care about the "iss-ues."

They want to be left alone.

Yeah, amen to that.

Jelly-filled.

You got my vote.

Red alert.

We've lost the Blausteins.

Oh no.

The Blausteins were
our gateway to the...

Friedmans.

And they vacation with the Donovans.

We're losing the entire 11th floor.

And as I always say,
"As goes the 11th floor..."

"So goes the building."

I can't believe I'm
actually saying this,

but Oscar now actually
has a path to victory.

Okay, Felix, you are overreacting.

You're clearly the better candidate.

Yes, I know that, but try
telling that to the Bilgors.

We lost the Bilgors?

I may have corrected Ted on his grammar

while explaining my
trash-chute initiative.

Oh no, Felix.

"Lay" and "lie."

Know the difference.

Know the difference!

I can't believe that people can't see

what a terrible president
Oscar would be.

I swear, if he wins, I am moving
uptown to The Canada House.

Well, if you think
he would be that bad,

why don't you make that
part of your message?

Oh, you mean go negative.

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

Could probably find some dirt on him.

He's literally covered in it.

But n-n-no, no,
despite our differences,

Oscar is my best friend.

I want to win, but not that way.

You are a good man, Felix Unger.

And you're gonna make
an amazing president.

And you are going to
make a great First Lady.

Once we lock down a more
appropriate campaign hairstyle.

You don't like my hair?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I do not.

I think the building's
fine the way it is,

but my opponent wants to get in
your face and change everything.

That little guy?

He's been here three times.

He always gives me something to read.

I hate reading.

I get it. You don't want
problems when you come home.

You already got your
wife yelling at you.

She's always on me.

And the kids.

I got so many kids.

You just want to be left alone.

A vote for me is a vote
for peace and quiet.

Remember on election day,
"O" for Oscar.

You got my vote.

Running out of doughnuts.

How many more doors
you want to knock on?

Just a couple more.
Plus I got Murph out there

talking me up to the neighbors.

The common man loves a celebrity.

Oscar, what's come over you?

Why do you care so much
about this president thing?

Because Felix would make
everyone's life a living hell.

And because...

I don't know, he said I couldn't do it.

Ooh, we just struck emotional oil.

Let it flow, big guy.

He's always rolling his eyes at me,

saying I don't get things,
that I'm an incompetent boob,

that I can't use my tie as a belt.

But he says it with love.

Well, I'm sick of it, and I'm
gonna make him eat his words.

Oh, hey guys.

Murph, what are you doing here?

Hey, you coming back to bed?

You bet.

This is the guy I was
telling you about.

Oh, um, he was very persuasive.

Yeah, I gave her an "O" for Oscar.

And that is why I say, "I.D. cards,

an i-dea whose time has come."

In conclusion...

...there is no candidate
who more deserves a place

on our esteemed Wall
of Presidents than me,

because only I have the
courage and the vision

to lead the Royal Arms
into the 22nd century.

So when it comes time to vote,
please remember my platform

with this simple mnemonic device:

Together Our Community
Can't Help But Go

Insane And Bananas For
President Felix Hooray.

Thank you.

Thank you, Felix.

Okay, our older residents
might want to stand

to eliminate any blood clots
that might have formed

during that very thorough presentation.

Up next is the other male
roommate, no judgment,

Oscar Madison.

Thank you, thank you.

If you elect me,
I will leave you alone.

And you can remember that
by my mnemonic device:

I Will Leave You Alone.

This guy gets it.

I feel like I'm losing them.

Well, what can you do?

You've already said
everything that you can say.

Maybe not everything.

Um, excuse me.

Uh, neighbors, fellow tenants,

I would be remiss if I did
not say one more thing.

Oscar is my best friend,

as well as my roommate,

and as his roommate,

no one knows him better than I do.

Which is why I mean it when I say...

you do not want this
man as your president.

What's this, now?

He is fiscally irresponsible,

his retirement plan is selling off

unopened Batman trading cards,

he befouls

the air with his cigar smoke,

and most damningly,

it was Oscar

who vomited in the lobby ficus.

Oscar, would you like to
address these allegations?

Thank you, Felix.
Okay, here's the deal.

Every single thing Felix said is true.

So I'm bad

with money, but who here in this room

hasn't been late paying a bill?

And I'm not the only who enjoys
a relaxing smoke on the balcony.

Right, Mr. Blaustein?

Just don't tell Mrs. Blaustein.

And I'll admit it,
I'm the ficus barfer.

I drank too much and got sick.
But who here hasn't?

At the critical moment I had a choice,

floor or ficus, and I went ficus.

And you know what? I'd do it again!

So what do you say?
Who's gonna vote for me?

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar...

Oscar! Oscar! Oscar!

No! No! No!

No, that was not...

that was not a chant, that was a chide!

It was a chide!

How do I look? Do I look presidential?

Uh... I don't know.

I feel like you're missing something.

I'm only doing this to see
the look on Felix's face

when he spots me on
the Wall of Presidents.

You want a sneak peek?

Turn around.

Good morning, constituent.

Hello, Oscar.

Please address me by my
full title: Mr. President.

Or, as my security detail calls me...

"Renegade."

- I told you I'm not calling you that.
- What?

We can have a code name, too.

Okay, then I'll be
"Coffee Break." See ya.

So, what should I do on my
first day as president?

Well, not my place to say,
but if I were president...

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...

- I get it.
- Because you laughed when I...

I said I get it!

I know what I should do...
I should move my car

to my sweet new presidential

parking space.

Renegade on the move.

Secure the perimeter.
Renegade is wheels up.

Teddy, stop that.

Madame Butterfly is not amused.

Oh, hey, Oscar. Congratulations.

Oh, thanks...

neighbor.

You don't know my name.

I love it!

Oh, hey, while I got you here...

I lost 75 cents in
the vending machine...

do I got to fill out a form,
or can you reimburse me now?

And another thing...

how are we supposed to wipe
down the gym equipment

if the building doesn't
give us clean towels?

You ever see the sweaty guy in 8G?

He turned the treadmill
into a freaking Slip 'N Slide.

Okay, let me see if
I've got this straight.

Clean towels, didn't
get your candy bar,

possible ghost.

I'll see what I can do.

Oh, my good God.

And could you talk
to your friend for me?

He promised he'd call,
but he never did.

Look, I know Murph... he's not gonna...

I'll see what I can do.

Oh, my God, they won't stop.

Mr. Kim wants a different mailbox.

Mrs. Markham thinks
there's a ghost in her pantry.

Oh, Admiral Pennington.

Yeah, he was murdered by a prostitute.

Thank God I get to take a break.

Yeah, I wouldn't be so sure about that.

E-mails, faxes, invoice
for my overtime.

You didn't think I was
campaigning for free, did you?

I don't know how to handle this stuff.

Then don't. Wasn't your
campaign about doing nothing?

Yeah, sure, they don't
want me bothering them,

but they sure as hell
want to bother me.

Mm.

Hey, Dani.

Oh, no, I'm not the president. Mm-mm.

I'm the secretary of See You Monday.

It's Thursday.

I know.

Nope.

No way.

Forget it.

No, you can't get a tiger.

Oscar...

you're making a mess. What are those?

Just a bunch of stupid
requests from the tenants.

Well, this one is important.

You need to pick a caterer
for Frannie's last meeting.

Who cares? We'll just get
one of those six-foot subs.

Oh, yes, because nothing
says "farewell, Frannie"

like two yards of bologna.

You know what? I'll handle it. In fact,

give me all those.

Don't mistake this for
me stopping you, but...

why are you helping me?

Because I will not be part

of this magnificent building's decline.

And... because I feel terrible
about those things that I said.

You are my friend,
and that was uncalled for.

Oh, hey, it was all true.

I was surprised you
didn't bring up my role

in the garbage chute fire.

I thought I would steer
clear of possible felonies.

Anyway... sorry I said
so many mean things.

I guess I just felt the
election slipping away from me,

and it brought back a lot
of bad memories, so...

- What do you mean?
- Well, when I was in school,

I would always run for office

because I thought I had
so many good ideas.

And then I always lost
to the cool kid, the...

Homecoming Queen, the quarterback.

I don't know, it's stupid.

I... I thought that was all behind me

and I had a chance to show
what I could really do.

I'm sorry, Felix, I didn't know.

Well, it's okay.

If you can't be one
of the popular kids,

maybe it's best to work...
behind the scenes, huh?

Like when I was co-holder
of the AV Club closet key.

You know what? I will start
calling some caterers.

Hey, Felix?

You forgot these.

Oscar.

Thank you for getting
these hors d'oeuvres

for my last BTA meeting.

Where'd they come from?

I assume you're looking for an answer

more specific than "that tray
from that table over there"?

He's kidding, of course.

Oscar found a wonderful new caterer.

These little fried
bastards are great. Mm!

Well, I figured if my face is gonna be

up there on that wall,
I better earn it.

Rearranging the lobby furniture

to make foot traffic more efficient?

Who thinks of that?

I know. You would not think

that would be me, would you?

I feel bad taking credit
for all the stuff you did.

Nonsense. It's a pleasure to serve.

Okay, everyone, let's get started.

It is my pleasure...

to turn over the presidential gavel

to someone who's already done
so much for our building...

Oscar Madison.

Thank you.

No. Stop. Really. Stop.

I love you, man!

Getting weird, Wayne.

Okay, for my first official...

docket to the decree...

of the agenda...

I would just like to say that...

you all made a horrible
mistake electing me.

I didn't do any of the stuff
you're thanking me for.

Felix did.

Oscar, you don't have to do this.

No, I want to.

I don't deserve this hammer.

I may or may not have started
the garbage chute fire.

And I may or may not have
tried to put it out with vodka.

I don't deserve to be president.

Felix does.

But we don't want him.

He reminds me of my wife.

I know you don't want to elect
Felix 'cause he's a nerd.

It's a normal human reaction. I get it.

But he's what this place needs.

Trust me, he'll grow on you.

He grew on me.

Well, he makes me uncomfortable.

But if Oscar says he's okay,
there must be something to him.

He's gonna do a great job.

Go get 'em, buddy.

That's a big man,
giving up power like that.

Oscar! Oscar!

Oscar! Oscar!

Hey. Are you okay?

Well, this is not how I wanted to win.

But who cares?
I'm president! President!

All right, people, the Unger Era begins

right now... let's get to work.

Listen up! People!

I'm gonna need a bigger gavel.

Now, come on, Felix,
I don't need a stupid I.D.

I've been coming to this
building for years.

- Everybody knows who I...
- Smile.

Okay. I'm ready.

You sure you don't want
another go at those bangs?

I've got a hairbrush here somewhere.

You are lucky that you're good in b...

Do we have to do this today?
I'm hungover.

- Haven't slept, haven't showered...
- Smile.

Dani, what are you doing? Turn around.

Hey, you're a
professional photographer.

I'm gonna use this
for my dating profile.

Count me down.

Three, two, one.

Oscar, take it off.

I'm not Oscar.

I'm Batman.

Come on, now, take this seriously.

I take everything seriously.

I'm Batman.