The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 2, Episode 11 - Road Scholar - full transcript

Officer Allen.

Responding to a 595 on Wood Ridge.

Two male Caucasians on the scene.

10-4, do you need backup?

It's filthy back here. Sir,
may I have a moist towelette?

I'm gonna be okay.

"Towelette"? Can I borrow your Taser?

I'll give it right back.

Real mature. You know what,

stay on your side.

Hey, this is all your fault.



My fault? We're here because of you.

Because I was trying to help you!

All right! All right!

One of you two Susies want

to tell me how you ended up here?

Fine. On November 13, I
was asked to remove myself

from my place of residence.
That request came from my wife.

Not that far back, you idiot.

Okay, fine.

Two weeks ago, I was
driving with my girlfriend...

So why are we going all the way
to Newark for cleaning supplies?

Oh, these aren't just
any cleaning supplies.

This is the stuff that they
use to clean the factory

where they make cleaning supplies.



Is it safe?

Oh, of course.

I mean, I-I have masks for
us to wear on the ride home.

Hey, thanks
for always doing the driving.

Be honest, do you think
it's weird that I don't have

a driver's license?

No.

You're a lifelong New Yorker.
You've never needed one.

- And anyway, I love driving.
- Mmm.

I don't know why, but it
always makes me feel so calm.

Did you just see that guy?

Oh? Oh, really?

You're gonna cut me off and
then you're gonna slow down?

And-and, buddy, where's
my courtesy wave?

'Cause you know what? Here's mine!

Uh, honey, maybe just
best not to engage.

He has a bumper sticker that
says "My Other Car is a Gun."

I'm not scared of him.
I'm not scared of you!

Okay, okay. Why are you
pulling up next to him?

I'm gonna roll down your
window. Get ready to yell at him.

No, thank you!

Nice uniform, tough guy!

Thank you for your service.

Ugh. Damn it. He's exiting.

Ah.

Anyway, what was I saying?

How calm driving makes you.

Yeah. I don't know what it is.

And it was at that moment,
sitting next to Emily

and feeling less than
manly, that I resolved

I would no longer be a
passenger on life's winding road.

I would be a driver,

licensed by the great state of New York.

Learner's permit. Line two.

Is this gonna take long?
I'm parked in a red zone.

You parked illegally at the DMV?

Exactly. Last place they'd look.

Gosh, it seems like only yesterday

you were a middle-aged man
showing up on my doorstep,

but now you're learning to drive.

I'm proud of you, champ.

Quit it. And don't tell Emily

I'm getting my driver's
license. I want to surprise her.

Oh, no, don't worry.
I won't tell your...

girlfriend!

Quit it. You're embarrassing me.

Okay. Quiz me. You
only need 70% to pass,

but, of course, anything less
than 95% and I would self-fail.

I don't do that.

Nobody does that.

I don't think that's true.

Oscar, you don't know the rules?

You've been driving for 25 years.

When you're on the road, the
rule book goes out the window.

You got to rely on instinct.
You got to be ready to react

when trouble comes from there or here.

Sorry. See?

She wasn't ready.

Oscar, these regulations
are the only thing

that separate us from chaos.

Yeah, I'm-I'm with him.
I stayed up all night

memorizing the manual.

Good for you, son. See, Oscar?

This young man gets it.

Kidding, nerd. I skimmed it

while playing video
games and eating pizza.

Will you be my new best friend?

Did one of you dummies
park a silver sedan

in the red zone? You're
about to get towed.

Okay, fellas, got to run.

Don't do the horn.

I'm doing the horn.

I'll give you 50 bucks
not to do the horn.

Behold! Felix Unger,

proud owner of a New York
State learner's permit!

For your information, I
actually scored highest

on the written test in history, 102%.

Oh, that sucks. You were
only two off from perfect.

Wait, how is 102% even possible?

For extra credit, I turned in an essay

on headrest safety entitled
"A Head Above the Rest."

So you can drive now?

Well, I actually still need

50 hours of practice
with a licensed driver.

And then the road test. And then...

look out, historic
landmarks of the Northeast,

Felix Unger is coming to look at you.

You know, Felix, driving
is a little harder

than you may think.

Oh, please. How hard
could it possibly be?

I taught myself chess
at five, cello at ten.

I've mastered several languages.

I just said, "Including Korean."

Phew.

I got super freaked
out that was English.

My point is, I am a quick study,

and I think learning
to drive will be a snap.

Now, all I need is a warm
body to accompany me. So...

Oh, boy. Here it comes.

Teddy, are you free this afternoon?

- Can I binge-watch TV on my laptop?
- Yes.

Will my family be there?

No.

I'm in.

Great. Thank you, Teddy.

You're asking Teddy? Seriously?

Yeah. What's wrong?

So I'm good enough to
chauffeur you to the DMV,

but I'm not good enough to
help you learn how to drive?

Oscar, how could you think
that I would possibly ask you?

You have a reckless
disregard for the rules,

in every aspect of your life.
Fashion, hygiene, grammar,

hygiene... it bears repeating.

So I'm not vigilant about
when I should wear deodorant...

Every day. Never a downside.

But on the big stuff, I
am completely responsible.

Oscar, your show starts in 15 seconds!

Damn it! I thought it was Saturday!

A miniature van. Splendid.

Ugh.

Greetings, noble metal steed.
May you guide and protect me

as you take me on my maiden voyage

around this new city of York.

Noise cancelling. Thank God.

Ah. Yeah.

Oh.

You know, I'm catching up
on the first season of Lost.

I missed it when my daughter was born.

And she's an angel and the best
thing that ever happened to me,

blah, blah, blah. You want half of this?

No, thank you. I will be keeping
my hands firmly on the wheel.

Um, speaking of which...

No offense, Teddy.

None taken. That
thing's got to be nasty.

You will thank me during flu season.

Let's see. Rearview mirror, check.

Passenger-side mirror,
check. Driver-side mirror,

a little bit streaky.
I'll allow it. Okay.

And now I shall signal my intent

to move into the flow of traffic.

And the open road

beckons.

What?

That motorcyclist!
Where did he come from?!

I don't know. He looks Puerto Rican.

He veered right into my
lane without signaling.

Felix, this is New
York City. You're lucky

he didn't throw a cup of urine at us.

It's okay.

Nothing's wrong. Everything's okay.

Let's try this again.

Oh, my God!

What?! What is it?!

It looks like some kind of monster

made out of smoke!

That was quick.

It was an unmitigated disaster.

Teddy paid no attention whatsoever.

Do not open that hatch. Do not!

He opened it.

See what I mean?

Well, Felix, I guess driving
wasn't as easy as you thought.

No. I will admit that
I may need more guidance

than I had originally anticipated.

Well, I'm glad you finally
came to your senses.

Absolutely. So...

Murph, will you teach me to drive?

Really?

Aw, dude, I'd be honored.

Although my dad

always said it was better
to teach a man to fish,

so would you rather do that?

Let's start with the driving.

I call shotgun.

Poor Oscar.

What are you talking about?

Well, it seems like you're a little hurt

that Felix didn't ask you to teach him.

What? You think I'd want to
waste a beautiful day like this

cooped up in some car?

Ha-ha! Check out that turn, Felix!

You're not in the room.

I'm gonna turn on the air

'cause the body spray's
getting to my eyes.

Thank you so much for doing this, Murph.

Aw, you got it, buddy.
This hot soccer mom I dated

had a minivan just like this.

Those seats go all the way down.

Oh.

I know that from reading
the owner's manual,

and you know that from fornicating.

Okay,

so I shall hold the
wheel at ten and two.

Oh,

I am no expert, but pretty sure

you should hold it the whole time.

Good thinking, Murph. Well, let's try

this again, shall we? Okay.

And...

Good to go.

Look at this... I'm motoring!

I am answering the
call of the open road.

- Whoa. Stop, stop, stop, stop!
- Waah!

What did I do?

Hey, babe. How you doing?

You ever watch baseball?

I'm me.

Murph.

I can't have you hanging out the window

talking to some women...
this is not a discotheque.

You're right. I-I'm... I'm sorry.

Mm, aw, it's so sweet you're
teaching him how to drive.

Well, it's easy when you care.

Um...

Murph? I'm coming to an intersection.

You're doing great,
buddy. Believe in yourself.

Okay, well, the-the
light's blinking yellow,

but nobody's slowing down.

Yeah. Don't stop.

Yeah, so I... I-I don't
have to yield to traffic?

Yeah.

"Yeah" I don't? Just go straight?

Yeah, right there.

Wait. Straight or right?

Murph, a-are you
talking to me or to her?

Murph, I can see you. It's
very distracting back there!

Oh. Sorry.

I totally get it.

Yeah.

Are you sure your dad doesn't mind?

Nah, he's cool.

What happened?

Was Murph not a good teacher?

Driver's Ed? No.

Of Sex Ed, he is summa cum laude.

I guess it has come to this.

Oscar...

...have you seen Dani?

Aw, look at you.

Cruising down the street
in your little sweater vest

Ah, you're a natural.

Oh, I should have asked you first, Dani.

Your nurturing presence
is exactly what I needed.

Aw...

Oh! Okay,

No touching the driver, of course.

Oh.

Hey, look... there's, uh,
some sort of pigeon convention

in the road up ahead.

Ah. They move. They always move.

Not moving. Wow, they're
not moving at all.

The pigeons are, uh,
are playing chicken.

- Felix, relax. In all my years
of driving, I never... - Uh-huh.

Why aren't they moving?!

They are choosing to die!

You're in the wrong lane!
Felix, get back in your lane!

- ♪ Oh, I'll soon be in Heaven ♪
- I can't see with so many feathers!

- ♪ With my Lord, yes, I will ♪
- (screaming)

♪ Oh, I'll soon be in
Heaven with my Lord... ♪

Oh, thank you, Lord, for delivering me

from the clutches of death.

Okay, that was funny,
like, the first three times,

but I think the Lord gets it.

Oscar, I'm clocking out for the day.

I'm gonna go volunteer
at a soup kitchen.

I made a lot of promises in that car.

So...

...how'd it go?

Ha-ha. Yes.

Rub it in. You can have a laugh.

I'm sure you'll love this
next knee-slapper: I quit!

Wait, you're giving up?

What happened to not being a passenger

on life's winding road?

What do you want me to
say, Oscar? I failed.

My dreams of being a driver are no more.

Well, that is what I wanted you to say.

But now I feel bad 'cause it
sounded sadder than I thought.

It's just too crazy out there.

I'm not built for the chaos of the road.

Say, what's the name of
that Sri Lankan restaurant,

the one you're always talking about

that sounds awful and far away?

You mean the Sinhala
Curry Castle in Yonkers?

I'm afraid I do.

How about I treat you to
dinner? Come on, I'll drive.

Oh. That might be just the thing

to distract me from my
failure. Thank you, Oscar.

What is Sri Lankan food, anyway?

Well, it depends what region
you're talking about...

Katunayake or Negombo.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Oh, Oscar, I'm glad that we did this.

Did you get enough of the goat kottu?

I had none, so yes, I had enough.

Oh.

Oscar, are you okay?

That fermented yak's milk cocktail

really packs a punch.

I told you to go easy on the yaquiris.

Are you drunk? Can you drive?

I don't think I can. Maybe you should.

Oscar, you know I can't do that.

We're miles away from home in
the Sri Lankan part of Yonkers!

Well, it was your idea to
come all the way out here.

Oh, damn my goat tooth!

This is the most irresponsible
thing that you have ever done.

Well, I'm sure that's not true.

Felix, you can do this.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Stop screaming! Stop screaming!

I can't believe you got so drunk.

That was so irresponsible.

In the words of the
immortal Winston Churchill...

Go back to screaming.

Whoa! Did you see how
fast that truck was going?

Write down the number, so we
can call and complain to...

Well, now he's too far away.

That's a terrible system.

- Let's just listen to some tunes.
- No, no, please,

turn it off... I can't be distracted.

When you listen to
music it calms you down.

It's a relaxative.

That can't be right. Is that right?

It's hilarious.

Oh, listen... jazz! Perfect!

Jazz is like driving...
you have to improvise.

Tap your fingers to the beat.

And release my grip from
the wheel? Are you crazy?

It's like what you always
say about feather dusting.

"Grip lightly, clean rightly"?

That's right.

Okay. I'll give it a try.

See? Just chill out.

Get out of your head.

Okay. Okay.

Look at that. Very good. Look, tapping.

Yeah.

I'm tapping and I'm driving.

All right.

Hello, fellow drivers. Aah...

Hello, Felix Unger, driving machine.

Look at me,
Oscar, I'm a driving machine.

Yes, you are.

You're not drunk, are you?

Nope. Those were virgin yaquiris.

I needed you behind the
wheel and out of your head.

Tricked me. This could
have ended in tragedy.

But it didn't. I think someone
owes someone an apology.

Oscar, is that smoke?

Oh, boy.

"Oh, boy"? Wait, wh-what is "oh, boy"?

Could I get that apology first?

Just a quick "I'm sorry" will do.

- Oscar!
- Okay, the "check engine" light

was on for a while, but
after a month it went out,

so I figured everything was fine.

It went out because the bulb
died like the one in your head!

What do I do? What do I do?

Pull over. Pull over.

But go easy... the brakes are bad.

There seems to be some smoke
emanating from the vehicle.

Oscar... I strongly dislike you.

And I don't blame you.

But look what you did... you improvised,

you drove us to safety.

You got thrown in the deep end
and you figured out how to swim.

You're officially a driver, Felix.

You're right. Wow.

This must be how people feel
right before they do a high five.

You want to try one, don't you?

I kinda do.

Don't fight it.

Okay.

Not bad.

It hurt, but in-in a good way. Yeah.

I was pretty cool back there, wasn't I?

I used my blinkers, I
turned on the hazards,

I opened the sunroof...
which was an accident,

but it was still pretty cool.

Say, Felix?

Did you put the car in park?

Oscar...

about that apology
you've been asking for...

Unhand me, unhand me.

And that, Constable,
is how we ended up here.

I could cite you for an
improperly maintained vehicle,

but honestly, I think living with
this guy's probably punishment enough.

- Tell me about it.
- Couldn't agree more.

Tow truck should be here in a minute.

You guys have a ride?

Yeah, he's on his way.

Great. Get out.

All right.

I'm sorry about your car, Oscar.

And I'm sorry that I
didn't ask you to teach me.

I didn't know that I wanted to
be asked till you didn't ask me.

Can't believe I asked Murph.

I wonder if they made a baby.

I count on you for so much...

food, clothing, getting
food off my clothing...

it's nice to be able
to return the favor.

Well, I should have asked you first...
you were clearly the best choice.

Of course. Who knows you better than me?

It's funny, the thing that scared me most
about driving was the unpredictability,

and yet, living with you has taught
me to accept a certain amount of chaos.

The greatest teacher
being your bathroom.

You boys looking for a ride?

Teddy, thanks for coming to get us, man.

Felix, you mind telling me why there's a
chicken foot in the grill of my minivan?

Oh, that's not all you're gonna find.

What's your insurance deductible again?