The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 2, Episode 1 - All About Eavesdropping - full transcript
After Oscar and Felix become obsessed with eavesdropping on their bickering neighbors, they try to subtly intervene and help them save their marriage. Also, Emily and Dani's friendship is tested when they train together to race to the top of the Empire State Building.
Extract Subtitles From Media
Drop file here
Supports Video and Audio formats
Up to 60 mins and 2 GB
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Come on, Felix, hurry up!
Hors d'oeuvres are almost ready.
Hors d'oeuvres are ready!
Ooh!
Generic Cool Ranch chips.
What's the occasion?
What are you talking about?
We're gonna watch Boobs and Dragons.
It's called Game of Thrones.
And I'm so sorry, but I already
watched this week's episode with Emily.
After all the trouble I went through?
Look, I made dip.
I see you've been working out.
And don't you spend
enough time with Emily?
This is the only thing
we like to do together.
- And you know the saying.
- Yes, I know.
"Gents before wenches," yes.
And I'm sorry.
We'll watch next week. I'm actually due
down at Emily's
right this minute, so...
I thought we were gonna see boobs,
but if you'd rather
hang out with a girl...
Oscar, are you cooking?
- I'm reheating a pizza.
- Did you take it out of the box?
I was focused on the hors d'oeuvres!
Honestly, Oscar!
I don't know why I put up with you!
You have to be the single most...
WOMAN: Irresponsible man on earth!
Oscar, do you hear
that little voice, too,
or have you finally driven me insane?
MAN: Okay, here we go again!
I'm barely home and already
you're criticizing me!
Who's that?
Must be the couple upstairs.
WOMAN: Do you have to smoke
out here all the time?
MAN: Well, you won't let me
do it in the house!
WOMAN: You shouldn't
do it anywhere, Frank.
What, you want to kill yourself?
FRANK: Right now I do!
- WOMAN: Oh, that's ridiculous...
- What are you doing?
We're not gonna stand in
the doorway and eavesdrop.
No, we're gonna go out on the terrace
where we can hear better.
Do what you want, but I will not
compromise my morals
for some cheap thrill.
Suit yourself.
(arguing continues)
She thinks he's having an affair!
I don't care.
(arguing continues)
With his slutty secretary.
Not interested.
Who's also her cousin!
Damn it!
♪ ♪
WOMAN: And what about
the office Christmas party?
Was that innocent, too?
Again? She brought
that up twice yesterday.
Well, if Frank would listen,
she wouldn't have to repeat herself.
FRANK: I was drunk, Linda.
I don't remember anything.
Rookie move, Frank.
LINDA: Un-frickin'-believable!
Between all the drinking
and the cigarettes,
I don't know why you bother going down
to that gym every morning.
We have a gym?
It's next to the laundry room.
We have a laundry room?
(ringtone playing)
(shushing)
Quiet, quiet, quiet!
Damn these skinny jeans!
It's Emily. I should take this.
LINDA: Then why did
Sheila just text you
a picture of her feet?!
I'll call you back!
So, tell me this.
If Frank wasn't feeling guilty about
the flowers he bought his secretary,
why, then, did he hide the
receipt from Linda, hmm?
Because she's completely irrational.
- You know how Linda gets.
- I do.
- She just flies off the handle!
- I know exactly how she gets.
Aw, there he is.
My big, sexy boyfriend.
I'll give you... "boyfriend."
Here, we can scoot.
We've got enough space
for your skinny butts.
No, no, we're just
grabbing some food to go,
while Frank takes a very
suspicious post-work shower.
Oh, please. He's probably
just coming from the gym.
Mm-hmm. Was he? Or is he washing off
the telltale scent of
secretarial-cousin perfume?
You are two sad, old biddies.
No, we're just having fun.
It's perfectly harmless.
That'll be an interesting
defense to make
just before God pulls the lever
that sends you both to hell.
That's right, there's a lever.
Felix is obsessed with those neighbors.
Last night, in bed, he called me Linda.
And Frank.
Hmm.
Well, you're always saying
you don't have time
for your jewelry business.
With Felix busy, now's your chance.
That's true.
I haven't met my sales
goal for the quarter.
What's your goal?
To sell something.
I should just give up
and work here full-time.
I can be one of those
career waitresses,
who calls everybody "honey"
and fills the emptiness
with day-old pie.
No offense, Maureen.
None taken, honey.
Hey, at least you're
not Oscar's assistant.
Last night, I used my
college degree to find him
pretzels that were, and I quote,
"You know, the same ones
we had that one time we
were watching that thing."
Please. I'm his agent.
And I spent three months
trying to get him.
Danica Patrick's personal e-mail.
And then another month
pretending to be Danica Patrick.
Yeah, they're making plans
to go to St. Barts.
How the hell am I gonna pull that off?
We're all just in a rut.
We should do something to shake it up.
Ooh, how about this race thing I
read about in The Village Voice?
Oh, Lord, can we go a day
without having a discussion about race?
It's a running race to the top
of the Empire State Building.
Oh.
I don't want to do that, either.
That sounds like fun.
We can train on the
stairs in my building.
We can totally motivate each other.
Yes, I am in!
Yeah, good for you.
There's nothing like being healthy.
Green salad and
double-bacon cheeseburger.
You know what? I've changed my mind.
I will take that milkshake.
I just wish Linda
wasn't such a hothead.
She makes some valid points,
but she gets Frank so riled up
that he just stops listening.
That's what makes it so exciting!
Oh, I know, but I just,
I wish I could give her
some pointers on basic communication.
Oh, and how would you do that?
Knock on their door and say,
"Hi, I've been eavesdropping.
You're a mess,
but I think I can fix you."
You're right. This calls for
an anonymous letter, hmm?
No, no. They're human beings.
We need to respect their boundaries.
Absolutely.
To the terrace!
Wait, I got to turn my ringer off.
I'm expecting a text
from Danica Patrick.
Aw... (mumbling)
All right, you ready?
All set.
Uh-huh.
I've got water, lip balm,
an artisanal fig bar with
chutney dipping sauce.
Felix packed for me.
Aw, yeah.
All right, well,
let's do this thing!
Yes!
Hold on, wait for me.
Teddy, what are you doing here?
Well, last night, I was telling my wife
how dumb you two were
for doing this thing.
Oh, how we laughed. (chuckles)
And then she told me I'm doing it, too.
Oh, how she laughed.
(laughs) What is that?
It's a pedometer.
Diane's making me wear it.
It counts my steps so I can't
flake out and lie about it.
Which, in her defense, was my plan.
All right, well, let's get started.
We're the Stair Masters.
The Step-by-Steppers.
The Jeffersons.
'Cause we moving on up.
- Good. Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, it's a good one.
12th floor. We're halfway there.
Time to dig deep. Lift us up, Lord!
Well, you can put me down,
Lord, 'cause I quit.
I thought we were The Jeffersons.
Yeah, we are, and I'm feeling Weezy.
Teddy, what are you
gonna tell your wife?
I ain't scared of her.
Listen, before I go,
I want to wish you good
luck on your training.
Come on, bring it in, team.
Yeah, oh...
Oh, yeah.
Aw.
Aw, right there, uh-huh.
- All right.
- Okay.
Now, take a lot of steps.
Okay.
All right.
Maybe we should stop for the day, too.
I'm starting to feel a little sore.
Oh, honey, you're gonna
feel my foot up your butt
if you don't get up
these stairs... let's go!
Let's go!
I'm gonna drag you up
these stairs by your hair
if you don't get up there.
Come on, let's go!
(humming)
♪ Separate, separate ♪
♪ Or color bleeding is your fate ♪
♪ Oh, the whites are hot
and the colors are cold ♪
♪ Dry on high ♪
♪ Take out and fold. ♪
LINDA: Stupid machine!
Un-frickin'-believable!
Why call it a washing machine
if it doesn't wash the clothes?
Oh, hello,
fellow laundry doer.
Might I be of assistance?
Nah, it's okay.
The machine did a terrible job.
And you're frustrated and angry.
Why wouldn't you be, hmm?
Yeah, I was gonna wear this tonight.
Oh, that's right, you're going out.
Of your way to make
sure that it's clean.
You know, I can't help but notice
that you did this load on hot.
You know, laundry studies
have shown that deeper stains
actually respond better
to cooler temperatures.
Much like people do.
"Laundry studies"?
(laughs): The research is fascinating.
Don't get me started on that.
Yes, you know,
laundry is a lot like
relationships, you know?
When things get too hot,
those stubborn stains,
like stubborn spouses,
can dig in and set.
So, what am I supposed to do?
Try not to yell at him.
You know, make him feel heard.
"Him" being the shirt, you know.
Shirts are boys, dresses are girls.
And, you know, if you don't wait
to fold your clothes,
you can avoid wrinkles.
The same way that...
if you don't go to bed angry,
you can avoid wrinkles
in your marriage.
Let me explain,
and also, ooh, let me do that.
That's not... Never do that.
Never, ever do that.
FELIX: Oscar!
Hurry up!
Have they started?
Not yet.
But Frank should be home
any minute, and I feel
like today we could have
a real breakthrough.
Why would you say that?
Hmm? What? Why? No reason.
I don't know. Huh?
Look, I made hummus
and a pillowy flatbread.
The crunch of yesterday's
biscotti almost gave us away.
FRANK: I'm lighting a cigarette, Linda.
Aren't you gonna tear me a new one?
LINDA: No, Frank, I'm not.
I've been thinking and,
well, things between us
have gotten a little overheated.
That doesn't sound like Linda.
What's she up to?
Who knows?
LINDA: You know, relationships
are a lot like laundry.
What?
The problem in our marriage
is like a dirty blouse that I
haven't been treating properly.
What kind of a lunatic
compares laundry to...
Oh, my God, it was you.
FRANK: What's going on here, Linda?
Are you drunk?
LINDA: No, Frank, I'm not.
I'm finally seeing things clearly.
And after a lot of thinking, I decided
I'm never gonna fight with you again.
Because you are a stain on my life
that I need to get rid of!
I'm leaving you, Frank!
So what's the verdict on the hummus?
What the hell did you say to her?!
I was very clear.
I said pretreat the grass
stains of marital discord
with the fabric softener
of forgiveness.
Good God, it's like the woman
never heard a laundry metaphor!
Felix, I warned you.
You shouldn't have meddled.
I know. There's only one solution.
I'm gonna go up there
and I'm gonna fix this.
Dressed as Gus,
a wise old maintenance man
who knows a thing or two
about relationships.
No. You have done enough.
We can't just stand by and do nothing.
I will think of something.
Why did you have to talk to her?
You ruined our thing!
And their marriage.
Fine. But if you change your mind,
I'll be standing by with my tool belt.
And a tender story
about my late wife Cora.
That's a good machine.
I got the high score on that one.
(grunting)
Are you finished with that?
Oh, sure. Yeah, go ahead.
Is anyone using the bench?
No, no, no.
Today I'm mostly doing,
uh, bis, tris, quads...
quints.
Hey, uh... you need a spotter?
Yeah, okay, sure. Why not?
- I mean, everybody needs a spotter, right?
- Yeah.
Even in life.
What?
I mean, think about it.
You always want someone by your side
to help you carry the load.
You know what? I got this.
No, no, no. That's the
mistake most people make.
They let pride get in the way,
and then before they know it,
their spotter's heading out the door.
The one day I forget my earbuds.
So don't lose your spotter.
Reach out for her. Cherish her.
Or him, if it's a dude.
Yeah, a little help? Please?
See what I mean?
Don't be ashamed to need someone.
(groans) Little help!
(panting): That's it. I'm done.
I think I'm crying,
but my body can't make tears.
The race is in five days.
It's not the time to slack off.
Actually, you know what?
I'm dropping out of the race.
What? No!
If you quit now, what do you have?
Something ice-blended.
Maybe a cookie.
You know what?
I had a feeling you might flake.
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, you know...
just when things get tough,
you have a tendency to bail.
Like your jewelry business.
Well...
maybe my business
isn't going gangbusters,
but at least I have a dream.
What's yours?
To be Oscar's pretzel-shopper
the rest of your life?
No!
Maybe.
I don't know.
Exactly!
So what's worse...
not achieving your goal
or not even having one?
Fine.
So we're both losers.
I... W-We are.
Okay, then I quit, too.
Although, technically,
you're a little bit more
of a loser than me,
because I went two
steps higher than you.
Not that it matters.
Not that it matters.
Not that it matters.
Oh, it's on now.
Oh, it's on! It's on! It's on!
Oscar, guess who I just saw
walking into the lobby with a suitcase,
possibly returning
to her husband Frank?
Not a whole lot left to guess there.
You did this.
I may have dropped
a little advice on Frank.
Along with a...
barbell.
What are we waiting for?
To the terrace!
Our show's back on!
And hooray for love.
FRANK: Yeah, me too.
We have a lot to talk about.
I've been thinking about
everything you said, Linda,
and there's something... there's
something I have to tell you.
Are you cold? I'm freezing out here.
L-Let's talk inside.
- (gasps)
- LINDA: Aw, you're so considerate, Frank.
What do we do now?
Find another place to listen.
I think I hear footsteps.
Remind me to make fun
of you for that later.
They're going down the hallway!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait!
I hear something!
EMILY: Dani, stop blocking me!
DANI: So help me, I will
shove you and say you fell.
Wrong fight!
Felix, I found 'em!
Great! Where?
My bathroom!
Oh, good Lord.
It's a wonder the potpourri
didn't leave a suicide note.
That's not potpourri.
I think it was a Cobb salad.
FRANK: Thanks for giving me
another chance, Linda.
I know that I can be
stubborn sometimes.
LINDA: Well, what about me?
I can be very critical.
You can hear much better up here.
It's okay, it was time to
throw these shoes away anyway.
LINDA: So what made you call, Frank?
FRANK: Well, you know, I was in the gym
and-and I got some advice
from one of the guys in
that gay couple downstairs.
Phew, they think it's
Derek and Balthazar.
They're talking about us.
(scoffs) You wear one summer
scarf, and suddenly you're gay.
LINDA: Oh, that's... that's weird.
FRANK: What is?
LINDA: I got advice in the laundry room
from one of those guys.
The little one who wore the scarf
to the Fourth of July party.
It's like he knew we'd been fighting.
FRANK: You know, same with my guy.
Now, how would they know so
much about our private lives?
LINDA: Oh, my God.
You think they've been listening to us?
FRANK: They do live right beneath us!
LINDA: Frank, where are you going?!
(door closes)
Frank, don't hurt them!
You're on parole!
Go, go, go, go, go!
What's that?
My "go bag."
It's got everything I
need to start a new life.
This is where we say good-bye, Oscar.
In about a year,
you're gonna get a postcard
from a Wadsworth Dinsdale.
We can't leave. We live here.
And sooner or later,
we're gonna run into them.
No, no, no, you're right, you're right.
We need to be adults.
Admit our wrongdoing, beg for mercy.
Or play dumb and deny everything.
I like that better.
(pounding on door)
Oh, look, Oscar, it's the nice
lady from the laundry room.
Oh, and my buddy from the gym.
Hey, you still feeling that burn?
My quints are killing me.
Drop it.
Okay? 'Cause we know exactly...
How dare you?!
Uh, uh, uh!
You've been eavesdropping on
our private conversations?!
Okay, now.
How dare you?!
Barge into our house with
these false accusations.
Yeah, I don't know what
you're talking about, man.
Do you actually think that
we have nothing better to do
than to eavesdrop on our neighbors?
When, in reality, we spend our days
chasing and bedding women.
Which we do!
We made it to the top!
Spurring each other on
with our white-hot rage.
Yeah, I'm sorry I called you a loser.
Oh, I'm sorry I called you a quitter.
Promise we'll never fight again?
Yes. We don't want to turn into
- their next Frank and Linda show.
- (laughs)
I'm sorry. Who are your friends?
Frank.
Linda.
Do you have an extra
wig in that go bag?
- I just got a second wind!
- Me, too!
- More stairs?
- Mm-hmm!
You had no right to
mess with our marriage.
It's his fault. He dragged me into it!
Oh, please, you loved it.
You made a drink called The Linda.
What?
Whiskey sour with bitters.
It was funny in context.
Face it, Oscar none of this
would've happened
if you weren't so nosy.
You really think that's why I did this?
I don't give a damn about
our stupid neighbors.
- Hey!
- You calling me stupid?
I loved it because it was great
to finally hang out with you.
What are you talking about?
We're together constantly.
We're roommates.
Yep, told you.
You're spending so much time with Emily
that we never get to...
Oh, forget it.
Oh, Oscar.
Are you saying you miss me?
No!
Aw.
Bring it in here, guy.
We'll find time to spend together.
We'll have a date night.
Okay. As long as we
never, ever call it that.
We should have a date night, Frank.
Maybe Friday we could go to a movie.
Uh, a little privacy please?
Yeah, we're trying to
have a moment here.
I can't Friday night. I'm working late.
Yeah? Will my whore
of a cousin be there?
Quit nagging me, Linda!
Third wind?
Off we go.
Yep.
Oscar, what's this?
Well, we gave up on eavesdropping,
so I wanted to think of
something else for us to do,
and I think I found it.
Star-looking!
Also known as astronomy! Yay!
Oh, Oscar.
This takes me back.
Did I ever tell you
that I was president
of our astronomy society
in high school?
The Sky Guys.
So you were always kind of a dork.
Look, Oscar! You can see
all the rings of Saturn.
Or you can see directly into
the apartment across the street.
No, no, no, no. Oscar!
You can't be looking
into people's windows.
- Have you learned nothing?
- Oh, my God!
A man is dragging a lumpy duffle bag
through his apartment.
I wonder what's in it.
Or who?
Damn it!
---
Come on, Felix, hurry up!
Hors d'oeuvres are almost ready.
Hors d'oeuvres are ready!
Ooh!
Generic Cool Ranch chips.
What's the occasion?
What are you talking about?
We're gonna watch Boobs and Dragons.
It's called Game of Thrones.
And I'm so sorry, but I already
watched this week's episode with Emily.
After all the trouble I went through?
Look, I made dip.
I see you've been working out.
And don't you spend
enough time with Emily?
This is the only thing
we like to do together.
- And you know the saying.
- Yes, I know.
"Gents before wenches," yes.
And I'm sorry.
We'll watch next week. I'm actually due
down at Emily's
right this minute, so...
I thought we were gonna see boobs,
but if you'd rather
hang out with a girl...
Oscar, are you cooking?
- I'm reheating a pizza.
- Did you take it out of the box?
I was focused on the hors d'oeuvres!
Honestly, Oscar!
I don't know why I put up with you!
You have to be the single most...
WOMAN: Irresponsible man on earth!
Oscar, do you hear
that little voice, too,
or have you finally driven me insane?
MAN: Okay, here we go again!
I'm barely home and already
you're criticizing me!
Who's that?
Must be the couple upstairs.
WOMAN: Do you have to smoke
out here all the time?
MAN: Well, you won't let me
do it in the house!
WOMAN: You shouldn't
do it anywhere, Frank.
What, you want to kill yourself?
FRANK: Right now I do!
- WOMAN: Oh, that's ridiculous...
- What are you doing?
We're not gonna stand in
the doorway and eavesdrop.
No, we're gonna go out on the terrace
where we can hear better.
Do what you want, but I will not
compromise my morals
for some cheap thrill.
Suit yourself.
(arguing continues)
She thinks he's having an affair!
I don't care.
(arguing continues)
With his slutty secretary.
Not interested.
Who's also her cousin!
Damn it!
♪ ♪
WOMAN: And what about
the office Christmas party?
Was that innocent, too?
Again? She brought
that up twice yesterday.
Well, if Frank would listen,
she wouldn't have to repeat herself.
FRANK: I was drunk, Linda.
I don't remember anything.
Rookie move, Frank.
LINDA: Un-frickin'-believable!
Between all the drinking
and the cigarettes,
I don't know why you bother going down
to that gym every morning.
We have a gym?
It's next to the laundry room.
We have a laundry room?
(ringtone playing)
(shushing)
Quiet, quiet, quiet!
Damn these skinny jeans!
It's Emily. I should take this.
LINDA: Then why did
Sheila just text you
a picture of her feet?!
I'll call you back!
So, tell me this.
If Frank wasn't feeling guilty about
the flowers he bought his secretary,
why, then, did he hide the
receipt from Linda, hmm?
Because she's completely irrational.
- You know how Linda gets.
- I do.
- She just flies off the handle!
- I know exactly how she gets.
Aw, there he is.
My big, sexy boyfriend.
I'll give you... "boyfriend."
Here, we can scoot.
We've got enough space
for your skinny butts.
No, no, we're just
grabbing some food to go,
while Frank takes a very
suspicious post-work shower.
Oh, please. He's probably
just coming from the gym.
Mm-hmm. Was he? Or is he washing off
the telltale scent of
secretarial-cousin perfume?
You are two sad, old biddies.
No, we're just having fun.
It's perfectly harmless.
That'll be an interesting
defense to make
just before God pulls the lever
that sends you both to hell.
That's right, there's a lever.
Felix is obsessed with those neighbors.
Last night, in bed, he called me Linda.
And Frank.
Hmm.
Well, you're always saying
you don't have time
for your jewelry business.
With Felix busy, now's your chance.
That's true.
I haven't met my sales
goal for the quarter.
What's your goal?
To sell something.
I should just give up
and work here full-time.
I can be one of those
career waitresses,
who calls everybody "honey"
and fills the emptiness
with day-old pie.
No offense, Maureen.
None taken, honey.
Hey, at least you're
not Oscar's assistant.
Last night, I used my
college degree to find him
pretzels that were, and I quote,
"You know, the same ones
we had that one time we
were watching that thing."
Please. I'm his agent.
And I spent three months
trying to get him.
Danica Patrick's personal e-mail.
And then another month
pretending to be Danica Patrick.
Yeah, they're making plans
to go to St. Barts.
How the hell am I gonna pull that off?
We're all just in a rut.
We should do something to shake it up.
Ooh, how about this race thing I
read about in The Village Voice?
Oh, Lord, can we go a day
without having a discussion about race?
It's a running race to the top
of the Empire State Building.
Oh.
I don't want to do that, either.
That sounds like fun.
We can train on the
stairs in my building.
We can totally motivate each other.
Yes, I am in!
Yeah, good for you.
There's nothing like being healthy.
Green salad and
double-bacon cheeseburger.
You know what? I've changed my mind.
I will take that milkshake.
I just wish Linda
wasn't such a hothead.
She makes some valid points,
but she gets Frank so riled up
that he just stops listening.
That's what makes it so exciting!
Oh, I know, but I just,
I wish I could give her
some pointers on basic communication.
Oh, and how would you do that?
Knock on their door and say,
"Hi, I've been eavesdropping.
You're a mess,
but I think I can fix you."
You're right. This calls for
an anonymous letter, hmm?
No, no. They're human beings.
We need to respect their boundaries.
Absolutely.
To the terrace!
Wait, I got to turn my ringer off.
I'm expecting a text
from Danica Patrick.
Aw... (mumbling)
All right, you ready?
All set.
Uh-huh.
I've got water, lip balm,
an artisanal fig bar with
chutney dipping sauce.
Felix packed for me.
Aw, yeah.
All right, well,
let's do this thing!
Yes!
Hold on, wait for me.
Teddy, what are you doing here?
Well, last night, I was telling my wife
how dumb you two were
for doing this thing.
Oh, how we laughed. (chuckles)
And then she told me I'm doing it, too.
Oh, how she laughed.
(laughs) What is that?
It's a pedometer.
Diane's making me wear it.
It counts my steps so I can't
flake out and lie about it.
Which, in her defense, was my plan.
All right, well, let's get started.
We're the Stair Masters.
The Step-by-Steppers.
The Jeffersons.
'Cause we moving on up.
- Good. Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, it's a good one.
12th floor. We're halfway there.
Time to dig deep. Lift us up, Lord!
Well, you can put me down,
Lord, 'cause I quit.
I thought we were The Jeffersons.
Yeah, we are, and I'm feeling Weezy.
Teddy, what are you
gonna tell your wife?
I ain't scared of her.
Listen, before I go,
I want to wish you good
luck on your training.
Come on, bring it in, team.
Yeah, oh...
Oh, yeah.
Aw.
Aw, right there, uh-huh.
- All right.
- Okay.
Now, take a lot of steps.
Okay.
All right.
Maybe we should stop for the day, too.
I'm starting to feel a little sore.
Oh, honey, you're gonna
feel my foot up your butt
if you don't get up
these stairs... let's go!
Let's go!
I'm gonna drag you up
these stairs by your hair
if you don't get up there.
Come on, let's go!
(humming)
♪ Separate, separate ♪
♪ Or color bleeding is your fate ♪
♪ Oh, the whites are hot
and the colors are cold ♪
♪ Dry on high ♪
♪ Take out and fold. ♪
LINDA: Stupid machine!
Un-frickin'-believable!
Why call it a washing machine
if it doesn't wash the clothes?
Oh, hello,
fellow laundry doer.
Might I be of assistance?
Nah, it's okay.
The machine did a terrible job.
And you're frustrated and angry.
Why wouldn't you be, hmm?
Yeah, I was gonna wear this tonight.
Oh, that's right, you're going out.
Of your way to make
sure that it's clean.
You know, I can't help but notice
that you did this load on hot.
You know, laundry studies
have shown that deeper stains
actually respond better
to cooler temperatures.
Much like people do.
"Laundry studies"?
(laughs): The research is fascinating.
Don't get me started on that.
Yes, you know,
laundry is a lot like
relationships, you know?
When things get too hot,
those stubborn stains,
like stubborn spouses,
can dig in and set.
So, what am I supposed to do?
Try not to yell at him.
You know, make him feel heard.
"Him" being the shirt, you know.
Shirts are boys, dresses are girls.
And, you know, if you don't wait
to fold your clothes,
you can avoid wrinkles.
The same way that...
if you don't go to bed angry,
you can avoid wrinkles
in your marriage.
Let me explain,
and also, ooh, let me do that.
That's not... Never do that.
Never, ever do that.
FELIX: Oscar!
Hurry up!
Have they started?
Not yet.
But Frank should be home
any minute, and I feel
like today we could have
a real breakthrough.
Why would you say that?
Hmm? What? Why? No reason.
I don't know. Huh?
Look, I made hummus
and a pillowy flatbread.
The crunch of yesterday's
biscotti almost gave us away.
FRANK: I'm lighting a cigarette, Linda.
Aren't you gonna tear me a new one?
LINDA: No, Frank, I'm not.
I've been thinking and,
well, things between us
have gotten a little overheated.
That doesn't sound like Linda.
What's she up to?
Who knows?
LINDA: You know, relationships
are a lot like laundry.
What?
The problem in our marriage
is like a dirty blouse that I
haven't been treating properly.
What kind of a lunatic
compares laundry to...
Oh, my God, it was you.
FRANK: What's going on here, Linda?
Are you drunk?
LINDA: No, Frank, I'm not.
I'm finally seeing things clearly.
And after a lot of thinking, I decided
I'm never gonna fight with you again.
Because you are a stain on my life
that I need to get rid of!
I'm leaving you, Frank!
So what's the verdict on the hummus?
What the hell did you say to her?!
I was very clear.
I said pretreat the grass
stains of marital discord
with the fabric softener
of forgiveness.
Good God, it's like the woman
never heard a laundry metaphor!
Felix, I warned you.
You shouldn't have meddled.
I know. There's only one solution.
I'm gonna go up there
and I'm gonna fix this.
Dressed as Gus,
a wise old maintenance man
who knows a thing or two
about relationships.
No. You have done enough.
We can't just stand by and do nothing.
I will think of something.
Why did you have to talk to her?
You ruined our thing!
And their marriage.
Fine. But if you change your mind,
I'll be standing by with my tool belt.
And a tender story
about my late wife Cora.
That's a good machine.
I got the high score on that one.
(grunting)
Are you finished with that?
Oh, sure. Yeah, go ahead.
Is anyone using the bench?
No, no, no.
Today I'm mostly doing,
uh, bis, tris, quads...
quints.
Hey, uh... you need a spotter?
Yeah, okay, sure. Why not?
- I mean, everybody needs a spotter, right?
- Yeah.
Even in life.
What?
I mean, think about it.
You always want someone by your side
to help you carry the load.
You know what? I got this.
No, no, no. That's the
mistake most people make.
They let pride get in the way,
and then before they know it,
their spotter's heading out the door.
The one day I forget my earbuds.
So don't lose your spotter.
Reach out for her. Cherish her.
Or him, if it's a dude.
Yeah, a little help? Please?
See what I mean?
Don't be ashamed to need someone.
(groans) Little help!
(panting): That's it. I'm done.
I think I'm crying,
but my body can't make tears.
The race is in five days.
It's not the time to slack off.
Actually, you know what?
I'm dropping out of the race.
What? No!
If you quit now, what do you have?
Something ice-blended.
Maybe a cookie.
You know what?
I had a feeling you might flake.
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, you know...
just when things get tough,
you have a tendency to bail.
Like your jewelry business.
Well...
maybe my business
isn't going gangbusters,
but at least I have a dream.
What's yours?
To be Oscar's pretzel-shopper
the rest of your life?
No!
Maybe.
I don't know.
Exactly!
So what's worse...
not achieving your goal
or not even having one?
Fine.
So we're both losers.
I... W-We are.
Okay, then I quit, too.
Although, technically,
you're a little bit more
of a loser than me,
because I went two
steps higher than you.
Not that it matters.
Not that it matters.
Not that it matters.
Oh, it's on now.
Oh, it's on! It's on! It's on!
Oscar, guess who I just saw
walking into the lobby with a suitcase,
possibly returning
to her husband Frank?
Not a whole lot left to guess there.
You did this.
I may have dropped
a little advice on Frank.
Along with a...
barbell.
What are we waiting for?
To the terrace!
Our show's back on!
And hooray for love.
FRANK: Yeah, me too.
We have a lot to talk about.
I've been thinking about
everything you said, Linda,
and there's something... there's
something I have to tell you.
Are you cold? I'm freezing out here.
L-Let's talk inside.
- (gasps)
- LINDA: Aw, you're so considerate, Frank.
What do we do now?
Find another place to listen.
I think I hear footsteps.
Remind me to make fun
of you for that later.
They're going down the hallway!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait!
I hear something!
EMILY: Dani, stop blocking me!
DANI: So help me, I will
shove you and say you fell.
Wrong fight!
Felix, I found 'em!
Great! Where?
My bathroom!
Oh, good Lord.
It's a wonder the potpourri
didn't leave a suicide note.
That's not potpourri.
I think it was a Cobb salad.
FRANK: Thanks for giving me
another chance, Linda.
I know that I can be
stubborn sometimes.
LINDA: Well, what about me?
I can be very critical.
You can hear much better up here.
It's okay, it was time to
throw these shoes away anyway.
LINDA: So what made you call, Frank?
FRANK: Well, you know, I was in the gym
and-and I got some advice
from one of the guys in
that gay couple downstairs.
Phew, they think it's
Derek and Balthazar.
They're talking about us.
(scoffs) You wear one summer
scarf, and suddenly you're gay.
LINDA: Oh, that's... that's weird.
FRANK: What is?
LINDA: I got advice in the laundry room
from one of those guys.
The little one who wore the scarf
to the Fourth of July party.
It's like he knew we'd been fighting.
FRANK: You know, same with my guy.
Now, how would they know so
much about our private lives?
LINDA: Oh, my God.
You think they've been listening to us?
FRANK: They do live right beneath us!
LINDA: Frank, where are you going?!
(door closes)
Frank, don't hurt them!
You're on parole!
Go, go, go, go, go!
What's that?
My "go bag."
It's got everything I
need to start a new life.
This is where we say good-bye, Oscar.
In about a year,
you're gonna get a postcard
from a Wadsworth Dinsdale.
We can't leave. We live here.
And sooner or later,
we're gonna run into them.
No, no, no, you're right, you're right.
We need to be adults.
Admit our wrongdoing, beg for mercy.
Or play dumb and deny everything.
I like that better.
(pounding on door)
Oh, look, Oscar, it's the nice
lady from the laundry room.
Oh, and my buddy from the gym.
Hey, you still feeling that burn?
My quints are killing me.
Drop it.
Okay? 'Cause we know exactly...
How dare you?!
Uh, uh, uh!
You've been eavesdropping on
our private conversations?!
Okay, now.
How dare you?!
Barge into our house with
these false accusations.
Yeah, I don't know what
you're talking about, man.
Do you actually think that
we have nothing better to do
than to eavesdrop on our neighbors?
When, in reality, we spend our days
chasing and bedding women.
Which we do!
We made it to the top!
Spurring each other on
with our white-hot rage.
Yeah, I'm sorry I called you a loser.
Oh, I'm sorry I called you a quitter.
Promise we'll never fight again?
Yes. We don't want to turn into
- their next Frank and Linda show.
- (laughs)
I'm sorry. Who are your friends?
Frank.
Linda.
Do you have an extra
wig in that go bag?
- I just got a second wind!
- Me, too!
- More stairs?
- Mm-hmm!
You had no right to
mess with our marriage.
It's his fault. He dragged me into it!
Oh, please, you loved it.
You made a drink called The Linda.
What?
Whiskey sour with bitters.
It was funny in context.
Face it, Oscar none of this
would've happened
if you weren't so nosy.
You really think that's why I did this?
I don't give a damn about
our stupid neighbors.
- Hey!
- You calling me stupid?
I loved it because it was great
to finally hang out with you.
What are you talking about?
We're together constantly.
We're roommates.
Yep, told you.
You're spending so much time with Emily
that we never get to...
Oh, forget it.
Oh, Oscar.
Are you saying you miss me?
No!
Aw.
Bring it in here, guy.
We'll find time to spend together.
We'll have a date night.
Okay. As long as we
never, ever call it that.
We should have a date night, Frank.
Maybe Friday we could go to a movie.
Uh, a little privacy please?
Yeah, we're trying to
have a moment here.
I can't Friday night. I'm working late.
Yeah? Will my whore
of a cousin be there?
Quit nagging me, Linda!
Third wind?
Off we go.
Yep.
Oscar, what's this?
Well, we gave up on eavesdropping,
so I wanted to think of
something else for us to do,
and I think I found it.
Star-looking!
Also known as astronomy! Yay!
Oh, Oscar.
This takes me back.
Did I ever tell you
that I was president
of our astronomy society
in high school?
The Sky Guys.
So you were always kind of a dork.
Look, Oscar! You can see
all the rings of Saturn.
Or you can see directly into
the apartment across the street.
No, no, no, no. Oscar!
You can't be looking
into people's windows.
- Have you learned nothing?
- Oh, my God!
A man is dragging a lumpy duffle bag
through his apartment.
I wonder what's in it.
Or who?
Damn it!