The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 2, Episode 2 - Unger the Influence - full transcript

If you're planning on
kissing me, please don't.

Oscar.

You're not supposed to
be home for two hours.

And you were only supposed
to live here for a few days.

Oscar, just clear out of here.

Emily's on her way up here

to celebrate our two-week anniversary.

And now I've got to
re-petal the rose cannon.

Where do you even rent a rose cannon?

I have no idea where you'd rent one.

You can buy one at
Cupid's Armory on 85th.



Oh, my God, Felix.

Will you stop going
overboard with all this stuff?

What are you talking about?

Your one-week anniversary...
when I came home

and found you wearing a
thong made of whipped cream?

I put a sock on the door knob.

You put a sock in the wrong place.

Well, I'm sorry that you
find our young love upsetting.

Young love? Your combined
age is almost 100.

Look, I'm very happy for you and Emily.

But she's here all the time

and you guys are constantly canoodling.

And look at that... you got me
saying the word "canoodling".

Well, I live here too.



Yes, and Emily lives two floors down,

so can't you shoot off
your love cannon down there?

Not what I meant, but still works.

Fine, we'll give you the entire weekend.

Just get out of here before
she gets here, please.

And close the door all the way,

I have to re-rig all the effects.

And hands off the whipped cream.

I'm having pie later.

Damn it, Oscar!

Oscar's right.

We've been so in our own world

we haven't taken his
feelings into account.

We have to start thinking
about other people.

But when I'm with you,

it's like other people don't exist.

Then maybe you should stop
inviting other people to lunch.

Sorry, Dani.

In our defense, we completely
forgot you were here.

I guess if Oscar needs his space,

we could spend the weekend at my place.

Oh. Sure.

First time for everything.

Wait, what do you mean, first time?

Well, we haven't actually
spent a whole night together.

Really? But you have...

Dani, that is between me and...

19 times.

So what's the big deal?

I don't know, It's just that

everything's been so perfect, you know?

But sleeping over changes things.

You-you see each other
without their makeup.

Snoring.

Drooling in their sleep.

Which is a medical condition

and something you can't be blamed for.

What's wrong with you guys?

This is the best part...

when you get to know each other.

Anybody can love you
when you're at your best.

What you want is someone who
can appreciate the real you.

I don't know, Felix. You think you could

still like me, warts and all?

Of course I would.

That's just an expression, right?

It's just... I have so many quirks.

What if you think I'm crazy?

Oh, please. I have so many quirks,

in high school they
called me Captain Quirk.

And not in a nice way.

Aw.

Ugh.

Hey, Murph. Am I catching
you between girls?

Oh, no, but if you had come
over last night you would have.

Wait, really?

So what's up?

Well, I got the apartment
to myself this weekend.

I'm thinking of throwing a huge party.

Like we used to in the old days?

Yeah, before Felix came along

and vacuumed all the fun out of my life.

Hell yeah.

You remember that New
Year's Eve in Miami?

No.

Me neither.

Let's do that again.

This one's gonna be even bigger.

A 24-hour bash. It'll
be like a telethon,

only we won't be helping anybody.

You sure you can still keep
up? It's been a long time

since you set that keg stand record.

Hey, I may be in my early 40s,

but I've the heart
of a 21-year-old girl.

I don't know why I said "girl".

Well, uh, c-can I invite anybody?

Are you kidding? Invite everybody.

Invite the girls from last night.

Oh, yeah, I-I can't. They got mad at me

when they caught me
with two other girls.

Wait, really?

Okay, I got to get food, alcohol,

and you get ready for
a night of debauchery.

Bows and arrows indoors?

This party's gonna be off the hook.

Mm. Well, I'm off to Emily's.

You got enough stuff
for one night there?

Just a few essentials...
eye mask, nasal strip,

uh, special pillow,
selection of sleep fragrances.

Do you suppose Emily has a mister?

Sure doesn't seem like it.

Jolly.

All right, let's get this party started.

Teddy, what's with the name tag?

Oh, I told my wife I'm
with my favorite client

at Agent Con.

Of course, the biggest agent con

was me convincing my wife
there actually is an Agent Con.

Well, Oscar, I hope you have fun
with your booze and your bimbos.

Oh, I will.

I was being sarcastic,
because I actually

think you're better than that.

Oh, I'm not.

Just promise me you won't spill
anything and take your feet

off of the coffee table,
I just had it refinished,

and for God's sake, use coasters.

Teddy, I'm counting on you

- to be the responsible one.
- Uh-huh.

You think this wall can pass

for a conference room
at a airport Marriott?

Welcome, ladies.

Do I know how to throw
an Agent Con or what?

Hey, you know, if Felix and Emily

keep heading down this path,

they may eventually move in together.

And this could be your future.

Stop it, Teddy, you're
gonna make me cry.

All right, people, Dani is here.

Oh, I didn't think you were gonna come.

Why not?

Well, maybe because I didn't invite you?

Right. Because you think I'm some sweet,

churchgoing, Goody Two-shoes.

No. Kind of.

Yeah, exactly that.

Let me just

tell you something. Just
because I like the Good Book

- doesn't mean I don't like a good time.
- All right.

Teddy, I hope you're
ready for Wild Dani.

Oh, have you not met Wild Dani?

- No, I don't think I have...
- No you have not,

because you cannot handle

Wild Dani. Uh-uh.

Everybody, strap yourselves
in, because here she comes.

Oh, okay, that-that's got
a little bit of a kick.

Uh, y'all-y'all carry on,

Wild Dani's gonna have herself a sit.

Wow. If they gave out
Academy Awards for sex...

You would be getting an
Oscar instead of a Felix.

Well.

Well.

Well.

Here we go.

This is usually the part

where we kiss good night
and go our separate ways.

Yup. Not tonight.

Tonight we expose our true selves.

A peek behind the curtains, if you will.

Speaking of, I peeked
behind your curtains

and somebody is getting a
Dustbuster for Christmas.

Okay.

Um,

I hope that you don't mind,
but, um, I'm kind of used

to sleeping farthest
from the door. You know...

in case of murderers.

Quirk.

You know, that is actually perfect,

because I like to be closest to the door

in case of fires.

Oh, well,

look at us.

We both have our things and they totally

go together.

Whew. You sure brought a lot of stuff.

What's that?

Oh, this is, uh, my white noise machine.

We could fall asleep to the
sound of rain or the ocean

or birds chirping in the treetops.

- Oh.
- Oh... seems like the battery is dead.

Oh, I think I have a
battery that would...

I mean, no I don't.

Oh, what's that?

My humidifier. What's that?

My... dehumidifier.

Huh.

Should I turn mine off?

I mean, I won't be able to sleep, but...

I mean, I would turn mine off,

but the moisture would
close my throat, so...

I guess we could try

putting them both on low.

Great.

And hope we don't start
a tornado over the bed.

Speaking of two warm fronts colliding...

Yes, I did go to high school with him.

Say hi to your dad for me.

Oh, hey,

Oscar, some of the guys want
to throw stuff off the balcony.

What? Murph, no, we're 21 stories up.

You're gonna kill someone.

What about paper airplanes?

They'd give me a ticket for littering.

What if we lit 'em on
fire so they'd burn up

before they hit the ground?

I see no flaw in that plan.

Well done, Murph.

I swear, I'm way smarter when I'm drunk.

I think you might be right.

Bad news, Oscar.

We're running low on punch.

Oh. How much do we have left?

About a foot.

Damn. I wish we had more alcohol.

Quick. Make another wish.

Hot woman in lingerie!

Aw, damn, I think you're out of wishes.

What are you doing here, Felix?

Just grabbing a sweater.

Turns out Emily likes her thermostat

set to "Santa's meat locker."

Whoo! Yeah! Wild Dani loves this song!

Whoo.

Whoo...

Looks like your assistant
is down for the count.

How many of those has she had?

Including the one in her hand?

One.

I turn my back and the
old Oscar just reappears.

Don't lecture me, Felix.

For a year, I've tried to evolve you

from Primitive Cave Oscar
into something more refined,

but it seems like I have failed.

Well, you know, the
poet Longfellow once...

Awesome party, buddy.

Yeah, it's been great,

but it's getting a little
late, and I was thinking

maybe we should wrap things
up before the neighbors

start to complain.

What? I got a limo

full of backup dancers
on the way over here.

They are like regular dancers
but with way lower self-esteem.

Who's ready to get this party started!

Yeah!

Wait, it...

hasn't started yet?

Emily, what are you doing?

Nothing. I was just...

moving this... chair.

Why?

Just a little late-night cardio.

Okay.

I block the door at night
to keep out the murderers.

I know that it's weird, but...

it's just one of my things.

It's okay.

I totally get it.

You do?

I do.

The thing is, now I can't sleep.

Wh-What are you doing?

Well, in your haste

to protect us from
nonexistent murderers,

you have also blocked
our only fire exit.

And I'm sure you will
agree that clear egress

is more important, so...

Felix.

There is not going to be a fire.

Fire right there!

Fire!

Felix,

you're trying to scare me.

I'm not trying to scare you.

But it's silly to be
worried about murderers...

when statistically,
we're 44 times more likely

to be burned alive in a fire.

Oh. So I'm being silly?

Only statistically.

Well, fortunately,

you'll be safe, because it's...

too wet on your side of the room

for a fire to actually
take hold, Mister...

Humidifier at Full Blast.

Well, don't come crying

to me when your side of the bed

goes up like dry kindling!

You wouldn't save me in a fire?

That's not what I said, but
while we're on the subject,

I like that you get to sleep
on the far side of the bed

so that the murderers can
get to me first. Real nice.

So you admit that there is a murderer.

I'm being hypothetical!

Don't worry, because he will drown

before he gets to you.

Then there's no reason...
to move the chair!

You know what? This isn't working.

Maybe you should just go.

Maybe I should.

But I don't know where. I
can't go back to Oscar's.

I don't care where you go.

Just leave so I can get some sleep

without your-your machines

and your breathing exercises.

Or your throat rattling, or
your crazy, irrational fears.

I'm irrational?

You have a second aid kid.

In case the first one fails.

Oh, God, I hope it's the police.

Hi. How are you?

Ha! Check me out!

I'm one of those ancient sheet guys!

Murph! What the hell?

Yeah, I know, dude... a horse
would've been way cooler,

but the cop refused to get off of it.

Do you know what would happen to
me if the condo board saw this?

You got to get this
thing out of here now.

Fine, fine.

Hyah!

I'm sorry, man.

Thought you wanted a wild party.

I do. I... do.

Just admit it... this isn't you anymore.

What are you trying to say,
Teddy, that I'm getting old?

No. But maybe this is
getting old... which is okay.

You've moved on; you're more mature.

No, I'm not. Shut up! You're mature!

In fact, watch me break
my keg stand record.

Murph, spot me!

Oh, I gotcha, buddy.

Oscar! Oscar! Oscar!

Oscar! Oscar!

Oh, ladies! You made it!

Uh...

Oscar, you-you all right?

Let's call it a night.

Also, let's call 911.

No, no, Dani. I'll get it.

Oscar, she kicked me
out. Can I stay with you?

How come good history
never repeats itself?

I'm sorry.

I know you wanted the
apartment to yourself,

so I've been pacing in the
elevator... short paces.

Wow.

You're actually cleaning up.

With my pants.

Yeah, they really sop up beer.

But don't worry, I'm gonna
fold them when I'm done.

What happened to the party?

I broke it up.

Turns out I can't party
all night like I used to.

And you know who I blame?

You.

Why me?

When you first came here,

you were a wreck.

But now you've got a girlfriend,

you're moving forward.

And look at me:

the first chance I get,

I go running back to who I was.

But the problem is,

I can't go running back to who I was,

because I think I've
grown up a little bit, too.

So...

thanks a lot, you jerk.

Sadly, that is the nicest thing

that anybody has said to me tonight.

Why? What happened?

Well...

Emily's got all these crazy things,

and they butt up
against my crazy things,

and then we both got embarrassed

and defensive and it got ugly,

and everything was
perfect and I ruined it.

Nah, you didn't ruin anything.

You're just finally getting
to know the real Emily.

Oh, the real Emily?

Who follows Hello Kitty on Twitter?

You have to learn to accept her flaws.

And who are we to judge?

I follow Batman.

But what if she can't
accept all of my weirdness?

I mean, my ex couldn't.

Well, there's no guarantees.

You're both humans,
it's bound to get messy.

You know how I am with mess, Oscar.

Yes, I do.

What if she won't take me
back? She was very upset.

Of course she will.

Just go back there and tell her...

tell her you're there for her.

Thank you, Oscar.

Go get her, buddy.

Whoa!

Whoa...

What happened?

You don't remember doing all of this?

Oh, Wild Dani, what'd you do, girl?

Oh, I'm so sorry, Oscar.

Let me clean it up.

Well, if you insist. Good night.

I'm here for you.

Ah!

Oh, Felix!

I'm sorry!

I'm so, so sorry!

Oh, no...

Are you okay?

Yes. I think you bruised

- the part of my brain that senses pain.
- Oh...

Well, in that case,

I'm sorry for being such a neurotic mess

and chasing you away.

It's okay.

In fact, it's better than okay,

it's great, because it's not perfect,

and maybe it's our lack of perfection

that makes us so perfect.

How hard did I hit you?

I'm fine.

I'm also a scared, neurotic mess,

and I would like to
try this again, please.

Me, too.

Oh, where did I hurt you?

Right there.

Would you like me to
get your Second-Aid kit?

I think a kiss would
make it feel better.

It's okay.

Good morning.

Wow.

The place looks amazing.

Took me long enough.

How'd things go with Emily?

Well, she's a nutbag, Oscar.

But she's an adorable nutbag
and she puts up with me,

so what could be better?

I'm glad to hear it.

Wow, you really did a
bang-up job around here.

Well, I learned from the best.

And I have learned from you, my friend.

It's because of you I am more tolerant

and... dare I say it...

a lot more laid back.

Should've used a coaster.