The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Audit Couple - full transcript

Thank you for showing
me how to do this.

You are really
good at it.

As a boy, I would practice
with my imaginary friend.

A stern but loving
German housekeeper.

(laughs)

Boy, I hope people
don't talk.

You know, 'cause the
sheets are between us.

Instead of us being
between the sheets.

Which is something
people would talk about.

Can you imagine?

I haven't.



Oscar, how many times
have I told you...?

Don't...

Don't.

(babbles)

Okay, what happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

I'm being audited by the IRS.

Oh, no.
From five years ago--
I mean, what the hell?

Well, maybe...
I'll tell you
what the hell.

Somebody's got it out for me.

Probably some
government lackey

who's trying to make
a name for himself

by bringing down
a big celebrity.

Me.



Oh.

Uh, Oscar, you and your ex-wife
filed jointly that year.

You're gonna have
to go down there with her.

Felix?

(muffled scream)

Hey, you know
what might distract him?

Show him your folding trick.

I'm not in the mood for
your sheet right now.

Oscar, it's gonna
be just fine.

You know what, I made a cherry
pie; get yourself a piece.

(gasps) My God,
what have I done?

What do you mean?

I think there is
the slightest chance

that I might possibly bear
the tiniest amount

of responsibility for this.

I don't understand
why the IRS would call me in.

My tax return is
above reproach.

Uh, give me a second
to find your case.

Oh, it's a case.

Is it the case
of the conscientious citizen?

Because that's what I am.

Meanwhile,

as you vultures
persecute the innocent,

your average Joe Sixpack
is rounding off numbers

and fudging receipts,
and no one looks at him twice.

I'm not familiar
with, uh, Mr. Sixpack.

It's a figure of speech.

I was actually thinking
about my roommate.

I keep saying to him,
"One of these days,

they're gonna get you,
Oscar Madison!"

He just laughs.

Well, who's laughing now?

I guess it's still him.

Okay, found your return.

Looks like we need
your signature.

What?

You just forgot
to sign it.

Oh.
(chuckles)

Silly me.

Hey, sorry about the whole
vultures thing.

I'm sorry that I got
my dander up.

Guess this case
is closed.

Uh, hold on.

Uh, this Oscar Madison,
he's your roommate?

Can I contact him
at this address?

Hmm?

Oh. No.

Uh, you can't, because he moved.

And changed his name.

And his sex.

Goes by Rhonda now.

Rhonda Pencil-Cup.

Good day!

(sighs)
Oscar is gonna blow his top

when he finds out
this is my fault.

Who says he has
to find out?

Well, because I know myself.

I have no choice
but to clear my conscience.

There is nothing stronger
than the Unger integrity.

(clears throat)

Oscar?

What?

There's ice cream, too.

Help me go through these
receipts before Gaby gets here.

Did we discuss business
at Cafe Bistro?

Yeah, that's where we
negotiated your last contract.

And then did we continue
that discussion

while enjoying drinks and
exotic dances at The Jiffy Boob?

Yeah, that's where you
signed the contract.

Remember?

Cinnamon let us use
her back as a table.

(knocking)

It's her.

Hi, Felix.

Gaby, you look radiant.

It's mostly rage,
but thanks.

(sighs)
Well, hello, Oscar.

Hey, Gab. So where are we
on the hugging situation?

Well, since I want
to murder you right now,

the thought of touching you
makes me sick.

Wow, it's like
you never left.

Hey, Teddy,
you look great.

Tell Diane that.

She keeps leaving gym
memberships under my pillow.

Oh, look, 60% of my
money is hugging.

Wow, so this is what
our apartment looks like

without the mess.

Felix, you worked wonders.

Thank you.

I've done a lot
of cleaning in my life,

but this--
this was my Everest.

Well, I guess we're all experts

at cleaning up Oscar's messes,
aren't we?

Isn't that why I'm here?

You are aware I had
other things to do today.

Yes, I hear there are
some people out there

who still feel good
about themselves.

Oh, it's so nice to see you two
back together again.

Really makes me appreciate
my boring, stable marriage.

By the way, never write that
on an anniversary card.

I'll go get my tax records
and be right back.

Oh, hey, if you find the best
years of my life in there,

can I get them back?

(scoffs)
Honestly.

The one year I let
Oscar do our taxes.

Gaby, let's not be
too hard on Oscar.

(scoffs)

Audits happen
for lots of reasons.

You think the IRS just
randomly chose his name?

No, there's no one to
blame here but Oscar.

As far as we know.

Okay, they want me to
describe my personality

so they can match me up
with the perfect man.
Mm.

Uh, well, I'm
intelligent.
Mm-hmm.

I'm whimsical.
Yeah, you are.

I'm hopeful.
Uh-huh.

Cautious.
Go to be.

Doubtful.
Mm.

Frustrated, angry,
self-destructive.

I hate myself,
forget it.

Why are you looking
to date other guys

when you clearly
like Felix?

Yeah, I'm moving on from that.

I've dropped enough hints,

and clearly he's not
over his marriage.

Maybe he just
needs a jolt

to get his heart
started again.

Maybe you're like
those heart paddles.

You need to just rip off
your clothes, yell, "Clear!"

and throw yourself
on top of him.

I guess I could stop hinting

and just tell him
that I've developed feelings.

And yell, "Clear!"
and just go to town.

Sorry, it's been a while.

It's kind of on my brain.

(chuckles nervously)

Hey, Felix.

What can I get you?
Oh, let's see.

Do you have an apartment
that doesn't contain

two bickering exes?

I do, actually.

My sister's out of town;

you can stay in my place
for a few hours.

Maybe I could meet you after
work, and we could make dinner.

Or not, or whatever.

I don't even know.

Emily, I-I'm just
too guilt-ridden to eat.

If I had not given
Oscar's name to the IRS,

none of this would be happening.

Maybe there's something you
can do to make it better.

You're good at
organizing, right?

Well, help Oscar and
Gaby with their taxes.

You can be kind of
a buffer for them,

it'll speed things up,

and it'll make you
feel less guilty.

Yes, yes.

They'll get along better,

and I will be able
to sleep guilt-free

without actually
confessing.

You're brilliant!
Oh.

(chuckles):
Okay.

Oh, I was making
myself sick.

You have no idea
how hard it is

wanting to tell
someone the truth,

but not having
the nerve.

Felix, I like you.

What?

I said...

I, like you,

have faced similar
challenges, so...

Good luck with
that, bro.

Thank you.

(imitates heart
monitor beeping)

(imitates heart monitor
flatlining)

Oh, shut it.

FELIX:
Okay, here's something.

One plane ticket
to Beijing, hmm.

Oh, right.

This one wanted
to see China

when we have a perfectly
good Chinatown

right here
in New York.

Oh, I'm sorry.

"This one" wanted
to expand her horizons.

You won't even go
to Chinatown.

They deliver.

Okay, we will file that
under travel

and take another aspirin.

All I know is when we were
struggling financially,

you blew $8,000 on a vacation.

You know,
you always do this.

You turn it
around on me.

I shouldn't have
to apologize for...

For anything,
God forbid.

No, that's not what I'm saying.
You never let me finish...

Finish your sentences?
They all end the same way.

"It's your fault, Oscar."

(teapot dings)
And that ends round one.

Now, why don't we all take
a breath and calm down, hmm?

Okay, yeah.

I'm gonna go out
on the balcony.

Yes, that's an
excellent place

to summon your
flying monkeys!

If I could make
a tiny suggestion.

Sometimes when
you're around Gaby,

you get a little defensive.

No, I don't.
You do. Shut up.

Okay, you want to get
this over with? Be nice.

You don't have
to agree with her,

but at least let her
finish her sentences.

Sometimes we say more
with our mouths closed.

I hear what you're saying,
and I don't like your tone.

Ha, there they are.
What are you doing?

I used to come out
and smoke these

when Oscar and I
would have a fight.

Would you mind turning your back
while I drink these?

And nice to know
you've hit rock-bottom.

How can you stand
living with him, Felix?

Well,
(clears throat)

one thing that I've learned
in the past few months is

sometimes
when he lashes out,

it's because
he's mad at himself.

I know, but we're just supposed
to sit back and take it?

No, but if I could give
a tiny piece of advice,

when you say things like,
"You're never this,"

or, "You always that,"
it makes him feel smaller.

I know. I know.

But I can't
help myself.

He just... he
pushes my buttons.

I don't know how you
put up with him, Felix.

Oh, here's something.

A receipt for a silver bracelet.

That must be a nice memory.

(scoffs)
Not for me.

I never got a silver bracelet.

Oscar, care
to explain?

Nope, next.

Oscar!

Okay, fine.

It was for your birthday.

But then I got a
tip on a horse.

A hundred-to-one shot
called Lucky Lady,

so I hocked the bracelet.

And, let me guess,
Lucky Lady came in last.

No, she went into labor
on the first turn.

Oh, my God.

Why didn't you...?
Check her out?

What was I supposed to do?
Give her a sonogram?

I mean, I can't do everything...

(clears throat)

Sorry, I... interrupted you.

What were you gonna say?

Uh... uh...

I... I was gonna say

why-why didn't you tell me?

Well, I wanted to surprise you,
and I figured

if the horse came in,
then I could buy you

that vintage music box
you were looking at.

Oh, my God,
I loved that music box.

How do you even remember that?

I just did.

But, Oscar,

you could've told me!

You always make me the bad guy
and you never trust me...

(clears throat)

What I mean to say is

thank you.

You're welcome.

(clears throat)

Oh, that was just
seasonal allergies.

Dinner was great, Felix.

I know. Did we ever
actually eat at this table?

Mm, no. We used
to stack mail on it

and pay bills on it.

There was that one night
we did something else on it.

And tomorrow,

I chop this table into firewood.

Well... I'm finished.

And?

And according
to my calculations,

there is a discrepancy
in your tax return.

In the amount of $1,200...

that they owe you!

You like how I dragged it out
like that

to build up the tension?

No!

But what a relief!

I got $1,200 to spend.

I've got $600 to spend.

(clears throat)
FELIX: Yeah.

I'm off to bed.

Gaby, wonderful seeing you.

Ah, Felix,
we couldn't have done it

without you. Thank you.
Yeah.

Great job, buddy.

Yes, so we're even.

What do you mean?

Oh, um...

We're even. The books.

Numbers-wise. Yeah.

What else could I mean?

Somebody's tired.

No, no. I'm pumped.

I can't wait till
we go down to the IRS

and just rub it
in that jerk's face.

"We"? You want me to come?

Yeah, you've got to come.

You're the one
that got us out of this.

Remember that.

Good night!

(exhales)

Oscar, I did something
terribly wrong.

Was it not knocking, or was it

staying in the room
after you've seen us?

Thank you for coming up.
Of course.

You must've been so embarrassed.

I was mortified.
One minute, they're at

each other's throats, the next,
they're at each other's...

Well, I don't know.

I went hysterically blind.

This is completely
and entirely my fault.

And a little bit yours.

You want to take
me through that?

Well, I'm the one who
tipped off Oscar to the IRS,

but you were the one who told me
to help them get along,

which I did, all too well.

Maybe it's meant to be.

Sometimes two people have
passion between them,

and there's only one way
for it to come out.

Maybe you're right.

Damn my ability to read people!

Yup. Nothing gets by you.

Wow, you still have
the energy to pace.

I must've lost my touch.

I'm just thinking about Felix.

Really lost my touch.

I just picture him in my head
lecturing me about

how sleeping with you
might've been a bad idea.

Is that what you think
he thinks?

Or is that what you think?

Me? No.

I'm enjoying the moment.

It's Felix
who thinks too much.

Still a little Felix
in there.

Who's Felix?

Well, thank you
for being here.

Oh, are you kidding?

I'm glad you called me.

Yeah, you were
the first person I thought of.

Really?

Mm-hmm. Oh, and...

sorry to wake you up,
by the way.

Stop apologizing.

You didn't wake me.

And stop being
so hard on yourself.

Try to see
the Felix that I see.

The one who cares
so much about his friends

that he drives everybody crazy.

Most of all himself.

You know, I was actually

getting used to the idea
that every year

the world was getting
a little colder and grayer.

And then I meet
this sad, funny,

exceptional man
who wears his big heart

on his perfectly
creased sleeve and--

I don't know--

everything's different.

So, yeah.
(chuckles)

I guess you did
wake me up, Felix Unger.

(sighs)

(huffs)

Oscar, what is wrong?

Still thinking about Felix.

Do we have
any patio cigarettes left?

I drank them all.

Where you going?

To get that persnickety voice
out of my head.

Felix, what the hell
were you thinking?

Now I see why you didn't leave.

My feet won't move!

Hey.

Hey.

Any sign of Felix?

Uh, he was gone when I woke up.

He was probably
really embarrassed.

When I walked in,
he was white as a sheet.

Now that I've seen his sheets,
I really know what that means.

So... last night...

Yeah.

It was amazing.

Amazing? At the end,
God was shouting our names.

It was just like
old times, right?

So, uh...

what do we do now? Say...

"Good-bye"? "Thank you"?

"Oscar, you're still
the world's greatest lover"?

I don't know.

I mean, we could
have dinner,

and, you know,
see how it goes.

That sounds nice.

Wait, is this all part
of your master plan?

What do you mean?
We get back together,

you divorce me, and you get
half of the half I have left.

Hey. Um...
Hi.

I've been calling you.
I-I woke up and you were gone.

Is everything okay?

Yeah. I just got a
little freaked out.

(laughs) I mean, last
thing I want to do

is screw up
our friendship.

Right. I believe I was the one
who dragged you into my bedroom.

It was so hot.

It was.
But...

we have to think about
what we're doing.

I mean, is this a thing?

Are we... talking
about being a thing?

I mean, what does this mean?

I know I never thought
I would say this,

but maybe Oscar's impulsiveness

has rubbed off on me
a little bit.

But are we thinking too much?

Yeah.

Maybe the, uh...

maybe the safest thing
is to just take it slow.

Yeah, yeah.
I think you're probably right.

Yeah. Okay.

But not too slow.

(screams)

I'm gonna just... Yeah.

I'm not free tomorrow night,

but maybe over the weekend
we could have dinner.

There's this darling
little place I found at...

(clears throat)
Oscar?

Sorry, you were saying?

Yes, I was just saying

that, you know,
if we are gonna

be spending
a little time together,

a few things
might need to change.

Yeah, I know.

My gambling,
my staying out late.

No, that's not
what I'm talking about.

Why do you always act
like I'm persecuting you?

Well, there has been
a precedent.

Oh, well, once again
I'm the bad guy.

Sorry I opened up.

Why you jumping down my throat?

The only thing
jumping down your throat

is that beer at
9:00 in the morning, by the way.

It's a Sunday.

At least we're consistent.

(chuckles softly)

Honey, if we got back together
based on last night,

I think we'd be
fooling ourselves.

I know.

But I don't want to go back
to hating you either.

Same here.

We wrecked our marriage.

Let's not wreck
our divorce, too.

I'm so impressed
by how thoughtful

you're being about this.

I think it's from
living with Felix.

I overthink everything now.

Well, he's good for you.

Maybe he's a better wife
for you than I was.

What?

Well, it's not
the way Felix does it.

Okay, let's go over
this one more time.
Check.

We knock loudly twice...

Mm-hmm.

...then we wait for the
person to say "Come in"

before we open the door.

Right, good, but what if
the other person is choking

or unconscious
and cannot say "Come in"?

Then he dies.

Fair enough.

Thank you, Oscar.

For what?

For everything.

For taking me in.

For helping me
get over my divorce.

For teaching me to loosen up.

Well, I never thought
I'd say this, but...

you've been good
for me, too.

I think, thanks to you, I'm
a little bit more mature.

I'm glad to hear it.

Oh, and, um...

by the way...

funny story...

I might've been the one
who gave your name to the IRS.

What?!
(door slams)

Felix! Felix!
(knocking)

FELIX: I'm not saying come in!
I'm not saying come in!

Oh, God!
You're still coming in!

Captioning sponsored by
CBS