The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 11 - Jealous Island - full transcript

SPORTS ANNOUNCER: And this game
is going into extra innings.

And here we go.
Who needs a pizza

when you've got a lovingly
crafted saffron risotto

with butternut squash?

Now then...

I toasted the rice
in butter

to bring out
an intriguing nuttiness.

Then I coddled it in wine
to coax out the full flavor,

maximizing its natural...

Done.
Done.

Any more mashed potatoes?
Yeah.



It's risotto,
which you would know

if you'd let it linger
in your mouth

instead of opening your throat
like a seagull.

Well, no more for me.

I'm having dinner with Brooke.

And afterwards, please
make yourself scarce.

I'm hoping we end up back here
for a little nightcap,

if you know what I mean.

Yes, I always know
what you mean, Oscar,

because you only ever talk
about sex and hamburgers.

Ah, your cologne, Oscar.

I had to go to three stores
to find Obsession for Men.

Apparently it's
bar mitzvah season.

Hey, Felix.



Oh, hey.

Dani and I are thinking
about going

to that new movie theater
tonight that serves alcohol.

Oh, what's showing?

I don't know; they serve
alcohol.

Sorry, I would love to,

but I have an event
here tonight.

Oh, and don't worry, Oscar.

We will be exiting
before you are entering,

if you know what I...
Now you've got me doing it.

What assortment of weirdos
are you hosting tonight?

Book club, string quartet,
paranoid old people?

It's called
Neighborhood Watch.

And no, tonight is
all about LARPing.

LARPing? What's LAR...

No, no, no, no, no!

Now he's gonna tell us
what it us.

LARP stands for
live action role play.

Every year my
historical society and I

put on an event
at Ellis Island.

We dress in turn
of the century garb

and recreate the
immigration experience

for schoolchildren.

It is quite the
educational tool.

And so are you.

Thank you.

Tonight we meet and mingle

before we enter the time
machine of our imaginations.

You know, we're looking
for volunteers,

if anyone would
like to join us.

Oh, that-that sounds
amazing.

You should look
up "amazing."

No, really.

I've a-always wanted to do that.

You should look
up "desperate."

Well, I'm so glad
you're going to join us, Emily.

The meeting starts
promptly at 7:00,

and don't be late,

because we'll be
assigning characters

and handing out diseases.

If you're lucky,
you'll get syphilis.

You should look up "lucky."

You guys really need
to get a dictionary.

Oh, how I envy you, Emily.

It's like they say.

You never forget
your first LARP.

(chuckles)

I am liking this crowd.

Not since Space Camp
have I felt this hot.

Felix, thanks again
for hosting us.

Oh, my pleasure.

Please don't let
my generosity sway you

when you're
assigning characters. Crab puff?

Ooh, my favorite.

Really? I didn't know that.

Oh, did you hear

about Roger?

He passed away.

Oh, no. Roger was the star
of our little reenactments.

Such a huge loss.

He was a dear man.

He will be missed.

(whispering):
Yes.

Not a fan of Roger?

No, no, he was
a nice enough fellow

who spent the last ten years
hogging the plum role

of chief medical inspector

while I have been clawing
my way up

from Czechoslovakian
mental patient

to assistant de-louser.

But now the field is wide open.

In fact, really,
my only competition is...

Hello, everyone.

...Stuart.

I see the tired
and poor are here.

Oh, wait...
that's just the Ludermans.

Will you look at that pompous,
insufferable know-it-all.

You don't like him?

Oh, please, he's everything

that's not cool about LARPing.

Hello, Felix.

Stuart.

This is my friend Emily.

Emily, Stuart.

Nice to meet you. Welcome.

It's my home.

I welcome people.

I meant welcome
to the historical society.

It's always nice
to have fresh faces,

especially when those faces
are as pretty as yours.

See?

So hot.

And that's quite a beard
you've got there.

Thank you. (chuckles)

During the 1890s,
beards were popular

amongst men of high status,
alderman, industrialists,

chief medical inspectors.

Roger is not even in the ground,

and you're growing facial hair
to try to get his role?

That is disgraceful.

So transparent.

Helen, do you have a light
for my period-specific pipe?

Here you go.

Can I interest you two
in some dessert?

Well, you could,
but I was thinking

maybe we could go back
to my place for dessert.

Well, I wouldn't mind something
a little sweet.

I think I could satisfy
your sweet tooth.

Thank you for making me
a part of your foreplay.

Hey, Oscar.

What are you doing here?
I'm actually on a date.

I'd like to introduce you to...

Brooke? Hey!

Murph! (giggles)

Oh, you two know each other?

Yeah, we go way back.

God, you look great.

You look great, too.

How do you two know each other?

Oh, we dated for a few months.

He was playing for the Mets

and I was still working
in player relations.

Don't worry, I didn't relate
to all the players that way.

(laughter)

Vague but alarming.

God, it was great to see you.

I'll let you guys get back
to your meeting.

It's a date, Murph,
we're on a date.

Jessica? Hey!

Murph.

Yeah, Murph.

He's like a brother to me.

Is he like a brother to you?

Oscar, are you worried
about me and Murph?

Because trust me,
it was nothing.

Oh, good.
Yeah, we had nothing in common.

Our relationship
was purely physical.

(weakly):
Oh, good.

We never talked or went out.

It was the same thing
over and over and over...

Yeah, I get it.

A lot of overs.

Compliments of that big

mountain of hot over there.

You play your cards right,
you might get an upgrade.

(laughter)

Of course, we were all
sorry to lose Roger Keaton,

who for ten years played
our chief medical inspector.

Tragic loss.

Hard to replace.

But we must move on.

So our new chief inspector is...

Felix Unger.

Oh, yes, thank you.

I don't know what sort
of arduous process

resulted in my selection...

We flipped a coin.

...and I don't need to know,

but thank you, gang!

The rest of you,
see me to get your parts.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank you.
Emily, when I was a child,

I was always the nerdy kid
who corrected the museum guides.

But they can't kick me out
and make me wait on the bus now.

Bully for you, Felix.
Wow, you're taking this well.

(in Irish brogue):
After the potato famine,

I'm just lucky to be alive.

I see you're playing
the Irish butcher.

Fun. Common man.

And you, lassie, are going
to be my lovely bride.

Aarr!

I don't...

That was...

A pirate came out.

We will get you
some dialect tapes

so you're historically accurate.

Okay, or you could coach me.

(in Indian accent):
We could go to an Irish pub

and share a pint of ale.

(in normal voice):
Nope, that is Indian.

I'm sorry, I would love to,
but chief medical inspector

is a big part and I've only got
three days to learn it, so...

Oh, okay.

I'd love to buy you
a pint, Emily.

Really?

Yeah. We could figure
out our backstory.

Where we're from, how we met...

You saved me from a leprechaun.

What's real, what's fake.

Okay.

Sounds like fun.

How about we make it dinner?

We can toast to our marriage.

Felix, are you sure you're okay
if we leave the party early?

Because I can stay.

Oh, no.

By all means.

Have fun.

I will.

Oh, damn this pipe!

TEDDY: Madison needs
to sink this to win.

Putts are breaking
left to right,

following the vacuum patterns

of his anal-retentive roommate.

The crowd falls

to a respectful hush, and...

Miss it!

Good day, Oscar.

Theodore.

Hey, what's up, Sergeant Pepper?

For the next 24 hours,
while I perfect my character,

I must ask that you address me
by my proper title.

Dorkwad?

Chief Medical Inspector
Gideon Granville-Fletchley.

So Inspector Dorkwad.

Teddy, can we watch
the game at your place?

No, Murph is coming here
with the food.

Oh, right, Murph.

I found out a fun fact
about Murph the other day.

Turns out he used
to date Brooke.

Uh-oh.
Gadzooks.

Talk about a tough act
to follow.

No, what's the big deal?
It was years ago.

Back when Murph
was younger and stronger?

Remember his underwear ad
in Times Square?

Damn.

Cast a shadow
all the way to 48th Street.

You must've been
pretty nervous

when you brought
her home last night.

I was so nervous
I didn't bring her home.

I told her it was late
and I had to turn in.

Ah, I would have
bailed, too.

I mean, how can you compete

with a powerhouse like Murph?

Oh, that's, that's interesting.
You see Murph as a powerhouse?

Yeah, well, he was
a professional athlete.
True, true.

But I always pictured him
as sort of a gentle lover.

Uh-huh.
Confident enough
to embrace his tender side.

Ah.

What's happening right now?

I see your point,
but I'm just saying,

I mean, when you're talking
about raw power...

Oh, absolutely, absolutely.

...you know he can drop
that hammer. Damn.

(door opens)

Hey.

What are you guys talking about?

Nothing.
The usual.

Sex and hamburgers.

I picked up the sandwiches.

Teddy.

Oscar.

And this one is all me.

Damn.

Oh, Dani.

You sure you don't want to come
experience living history?

I don't think you want my take
on the immigrant experience.

(knocking)

(in Irish brogue):
Good morning, Inspector.

And may Mary and the angels
bless the work that you do.

Oh, wow.

Your accent has really improved.

(in normal voice):
Stuart's been helping me.
Really?

Yeah, she and Stuart have gone
on a couple of dates now.

Yeah, he took me for Korean
barbecue the other night.

It's so fun.
You get to cook your own food.

Hmm. Maybe next
he'll take you to a restaurant

where you get to bus
your own tables.

I'm gonna get my boots
and we can go.

Nicely played.

What do you mean?

Dating Stuart is obviously

making Felix jealous.

Oh, that's not
why I'm dating him.

Stuart's a great guy.

He's nice, he's smart.

He thinks I'm super hot.

He makes Felix jealous.

Well, if that is
a side effect,

then so be it.

Emily, this business
with Stuart.

I've remained quiet about it,
but I don't like it.

Oh?

Oh.

I'm not a part of this.

So... what don't
you like about it?

Isn't it obvious?

Stuart has an agenda.

He's only dating you
to get to me.

What?
What?!

I'm just gonna walk
into the kitchen

for no apparent reason.

He's jealous
that I got the role.

And now he's
infiltrating my world.

and trying to steal
all of my friends.

So, you think that's
the only reason

why he would date me?

Not because he likes me?

Or because he finds
me interesting?

Or super hot?

No, I-I wasn't trying...
To be mean?

Well, you were.

You can catch your own cab.
I'll see you there.

Wait, wait. Your peasant rags.

That is my regular sweater!

Hey, Dani.
Hey! Oh.

I thought I gave
those pants to Goodwill.

And Goodwill gave them back.

Well, I definitely

don't think you should wear
those for your date tonight.

Oh, I think
I'm gonna cancel that.

Aw, is it because
she slept with Murph?

I heard it from Inspector
Granville in the kitchen.

Why is dating
so complicated?

Sometimes I miss
being married.

You don't have
to compete with anybody.

You barely have to try.

Would you like a
woman's opinion?

I already got one.
I spoke to Felix.

You don't have to be
threatened by Murph.

A lot of times, guys like
that aren't the best in bed.

Really?
Yeah!

Super hot guys don't think

they have to make a
woman feel special.

Once I dated this
gorgeous fireman.

He thought he'd done his job

just by showing up
and looking pretty.

So, he didn't hustle?
Because I'm all hustle.

And that's important.

Just make Brooke think

she's the only
person on your mind.

I can do that.
Yeah, of course you can.

Now, get on out there
and make some sweet love.

(groans)
Yeah, I thought that'd be funny.

But I really regret it now.

And so, Svetlana Korsak

of Novosibirsk, Russia,

I find that you are
neither an anarchist

nor a mental defective.

Welcome to America.

Spasibo.

Or as my new country say,

thank you.

And does anybody have questions
for the inspector?

Yes.

My dad says immigrants

are ruining this country.

And you're off to the snack bar!

Great job, people.

The last group's coming through
in ten minutes.

Emily?

Felix.

Well done. I mean, I-I have
seen wretched refuse before.

But you were truly
the most wretched.

Which was meant
to be a compliment.

Which was leading up
to an apology.

You don't have to apologize.

Thanks to you,
I met a really great guy,

who is taking me
to the Brooklyn Beard

and Mustache Fest tonight.

That was fun, Felix.

You make a great inspector.

Oh, thanks, Kerry.

Your accent's come a long way.

You hardly sound like Count
Chocula at all anymore.

It's all thanks to Stuart.

He's a great dialect coach.

Last night, he was doing
an accent in his sleep.

Wait.

You and Stuart are dating?

I'm not supposed
to talk about it.

He doesn't like
to mix our love life

and our LARP life.

Okay, next group's just arrived.

Inspector, look alive.

Immigrants, look barely alive.

(moans)

Yeah.

Yes, this is hot.

It is hot.

Oh, Oscar!

Oh, Murph!

No, I didn't!

Yes, you did.

You called me Murph.

No, I called you Nerf.

'Cause you're
soft and squishy

like a child's football.

All right, I called you Murph.

Oh, my God! Why?

Were you thinking about Murph
while we were...?

No! No! I mean yes.

But not in that way.

Ever since I heard
about you and Murph,

I've been worried
about how I would...

compare.

Really?

I know, I shouldn't have.

Should I have?

Oscar, you have
nothing to worry about.

And I like that you're
being vulnerable with me.

I never had that kind
of connection with Murph.

Good.

'Cause the guys had me
all worried.

Teddy and Felix were like,

"Brooke's done it with Murph?

"That guy can really
bring down the hammer.

Damn!"

Really?

And then my assistant said

that hot guys don't
make good lovers.

And then my barber,
who's pretty hot,

but not as hot
as Murph, agreed.

I shouldn't have said
that last part, huh?

You've talked to a lot
of people about Murph.

Maybe you should talk
to a therapist, too.

Because clearly you're obsessed.

Well, I was just...

feeling so vulnerable.

Nope. Not gonna work twice.

Well, what about the kissing?

How did I compare with Murph?

The guys are gonna want to know!

You will do well here

if you work hard

and keep your nose clean.

And that's good advice
to all of us, boys and girls.

Because nasal health is
no laughing matter.

Welcome...

to America!

Who's next?

'Tis I, Rowan O'Flannery.

A humble butcher
from County Cork.

And my wife Colleen,

who is ripe with child.

We are faint from hunger.

Fleeing from the
potato phantom.

It's "famine."

Oh, that makes a lot more sense.

We have taken this long voyage

to make sure that

our baby will be born American.

Not so fast!

What are you doing?
This isn't in the script.

FELIX:
Well!

It's my job to make sure

that you have
the moral fortitude

to be an American.

For example, have you laid with
a woman who is not your wife?

How dare you impugn
my character, sir!

That is a boldface lie!

Is it? You haven't
been consorting

with a certain busty Russian?!

What is he
talking about, Stuart?

He is two-timing you.

He is a cad and a bounder!

Entry de... nied!

This is why we can't talk

about our relationship?

So you can cheat on me?

Kerry, wait!

Okay, kids,
time for the snack bar.

Freedom fries for everyone!

You're done here.

What about next month's LARP?

Oh, you can forget the Alamo.

Well, thank you
for humiliating me.

Don't you mean thank you for
saving you from that phony?

I can take care of myself.

Uh, obviously you can't.

And thanks to you,
I've lost my inspectorship.

Oh, no!

The history dweebs will have
to find a new king!

Oh, come on, you have to
admit this is ridiculous.

Then why did you
volunteer for it?

Because you asked me.

Because you're my friend and
I wanted to share it with you!

Well, you're my friend
and I wanted to support you!

Which is what makes you
such a wonderful person!

Thank you for noticing!

And you deserve
someone better than him!

It seems like we're sharing

a really nice moment!

It does!

Should I get us some lattes
for the ferry?

That would be great.
I'll save you a seat.

I'll see you there.

Oh.
(laughs)

We still on for Beard Fest?

There's a goatee petting zoo.

Ew.

Fair enough.
See you on the ferry.

Farewell,
Chief Medical Inspector

Gideon Granville-Fletchley.

Till I sew you into an outfit

for the Renaissance Faire.

I guess we both
got rejected tonight.

Me by a woman and...

you by the dregs of society.

Well, hope you've
learned the dangers

of comparing yourself
to other people.

We don't need to worry about how
our friends are in the bedroom.

It's not like we sit
around wondering

about Teddy's sex life.

(laughs):
No, we don't.

Although I'm guessing he
would be pretty conservative.

That was my first thought,
but I could see him

being pretty playful.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

I could see Teddy into a bit

of role-playing, you know?

Surprising the wife

as a delivery man
or a plumber.

I understand you need
someone to fix a leak.

But my husband's not home.

Somebody here ordered a pizza?

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