The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 9 - Sleeping Dogs Lie - full transcript
Felix is unable to sleep, he starts walking around and not adequately dressed. Sensing it's because he doesn't have his favorite pillow which is still with his estranged wife, he goes there. But because she banned him from going there, he has to sneak in and Oscar goes with him. While there Oscar discovers that Felix kept a secret from him which leaves him feeling betrayed.
(cello playing in distance)
Felix, what the hell
are you doing?
Playing George Frideric Handel's
theme from Water Music.
Well, duh.
Why are you doing it
at 3:00 in the morning?
And why are you wearing
my Jonathan Toews jersey?
I was chilly.
You know,
he wore that in a game.
It's covered in blood,
sweat and Zamboni fumes.
(bell dings)
(whispers):
Shh. My cake is ready.
(doorbell rings)
What the hell is happening?
Oh, hey, Oscar.
Did I wake you?
No, I'm always up at this
hour to milk the cows,
make sure Ma's
warming the griddle.
I just came
to see if Felix is okay.
He just sent me
a weird text
inviting me to a party.
Are you wearing lipstick?
I was invited to a party.
Who wants cake?
I wish he'd asked
me 20 minutes ago.
I just finished a pie.
I'm really starting
to get concerned about him.
EMILY: Oh, I think
I know what's happening.
Felix told me that he
hasn't been sleeping well,
and so I gave him
a sleeping pill.
I told him to only take
half, but maybe he needed
the whole thing because
he's, you know, so much man.
What kind of pill
are you on?
And if Felix took a sleeping
pill, why isn't he sleeping?
I think that he is.
A lot of people
who take those pills,
they act like they're awake
but they're not.
And later they have
no idea what happened.
So he won't remember
any of this?
Felix, I used
your electric toothbrush
to massage my feet.
I got to get a picture of
this, or he won't believe it.
Poor guy. I had no idea his
insomnia had gotten that bad.
Maybe the divorce is finally
catching up with him.
Sprinkles.
This cake needs sprinkles.
(humming tune)
Maybe they're down here.
EMILY: Oh!
That's naked.
Naked butt.
Well, now it's a party.
Chris Webber is coming by this
afternoon for his interview,
so ask him about
his charity work
and being an
NBA All-Star...
(yawning)
I know I have a
soothing voice,
but that is hurtful.
Sorry.
Felix was sleepwalking,
so I was up
all night babysitting.
There is not one hour in the day
that guy does not annoy me.
Well, help is
on the way.
Per your request, your loyal
assistant went to Chinatown
and got you some of that
special energy tonic you like.
Great. This stuff is terrific.
It's a blend of gingko,
goji berries and cobra blood.
It's Dr. Pepper and a packet
of fajita seasoning.
(whoops)
I'm feeling it already!
Oscar, perhaps
you wouldn't mind
explaining to me
how your foul-smelling
athletic costume found its way
into my room last night.
It rode in on your back.
You were wearing it last night.
(laughs)
And tomorrow I shall parade
down the bowery in flip-flops.
That pill Emily gave you
made you sleepwalk.
Oh, please. I've never in my
entire life... Oh, my good God.
I'd recognize those perfectly
symmetrical buttocks anywhere.
Look at this.
Oh, man, you are white.
It's like
two aspirins kissing.
I-I can't believe it.
I was just stumbling around
semi-conscious
in the middle of the night?
I know. That's my thing.
What else did I do? Was I also
brushing my teeth for hours?
'Cause the battery
was totally run down.
Yes. Yes, you were.
Felix, I'm impressed.
Objects in the photo are
firmer than they appear.
Thank you.
I inherited the Unger butt.
It was the envy of everyone
on the Mayflower.
Now... will you
delete it, please?
You know what you need?
Dani's got this herbalist
who makes this great
sleep tonic.
It's a blend of kava root
and turtle beak.
It's Diet Squirt.
No, it won't work.
Nothing works.
The only thing that ever helped
me sleep was my favorite pillow,
and I... I left it behind
when I moved out.
Well, can't you get
a new one, he asked,
knowing he'd get a long,
slow, boring answer?
No, that one was
perfectly broken in.
It was as soft as a baby's cheek
and as firm as a nun
teaching gym class.
Ooh, that's a hell
of a pillow.
Why don't you
just go get it?
I can't.
Last week, Ashley imposed
a 30-day moratorium
on any contact whatsoever.
No phone calls, no visits.
Why would she do that?
You guys are already separated.
I don't know. For some reason,
she was under the impression
that I was making up
reasons to drop by.
It's the 15th of the month;
I'm here to check
your smoke detectors.
The new Woody Allen movie?
Don't even bother.
I bought too many nectarines.
Do you need nectarines?
Guess who I'm going to be
for Halloween?
Frida Kahlo!
The good news is
only 22 days to go.
Unless I break the pact,
which activates
a 15-day penalty phase.
It's a dance.
Felix, do you ever think
this little moratorium
is Ashley's way of telling
you you need to move on?
Why do you keep saying that?
Because I'm your friend
and I think you'll be happier
if you know the facts.
I'm sorry I'm throwing a lot
of truth at you right now,
but I got this tonic
pumping through me!
The fact is you don't know
what's going on with Ashley,
I don't know what's
going on with Ashley.
Anything is possible.
You don't know, or you
don't want to know?
Maybe this is why
you're up all night.
I just need my pillow.
(both laughing)
Look at this-- with
the sepia filter,
it looks like an
old-timey butt.
TEDDY:
Now do a slow zoom.
Oh, now it looks like
a Ken Burns documentary.
The American Butt.
Guys, put that away.
Felix is exhausted.
He's hitting bottom.
That was unintentional,
which makes it funnier.
FELIX:
Well, I'm glad
you can all laugh at my pain,
because I have not slept
in five days.
(screams) Cat!
(exclaims)
Felix, you're
hallucinating.
We got to get
you that pillow.
I told you, I can't have
any contact with Ashley.
Or that cat. I'm allergic.
Well, just go over there
when she's not home.
If I don't see her,
it's not breaking the pact.
Today's Wednesday.
She has yoga on Wednesday.
Great. I'll go with you.
We can't have you
wandering the streets
in an altered state,
because... that's
also my thing.
All right,
I will go change. Don't want
to go out looking like a bum.
(chuckling)
Bum.
(British accent):
That's British for butt.
(laughing)
Damn it.
Maurice is
working today.
If he sees me,
he'll tell Ashley.
Just slip him a 20.
No, no, no, no,
he hates me.
Ever since I convinced the board
to add a cape to his uniform.
You created your own
arch-villain: Door-Man.
All right, fine,
we'll just go around back
and use the service elevator.
And then we'll...
do a series of ninja moves
to get through the laser field,
and the jewels will be ours.
Too much?
You're just lucky
I'm too tired to hit you.
Oh, look,
I got my second wind.
Okay, here's the drill.
We get in, we get out.
No one can know
we're here.
MAN:
Hey, can you hold that?
Be cool, just be cool.
Is the opposite
of what cool people say.
How's it going?
Good. Good.
Good day to be
an electrician.
Which my friend and
I here both are.
Simple men working hard
for an honest day's wage.
I'm Jim.
Friends call
me Jimbo.
This fellow here
is McTavish.
He's a Scottish gent,
isn't that right?
Aye.
Yep, we're all about
doing our work,
tossing back a
few brewskis,
and then going
home to the wives.
Who happen to
be sisters.
And then McTavish
here volunteered
one of his
wife's eggs.
And we were lucky enough to
have little Jimbo Junior.
Who technically is my
nephew as well as my son.
Whew, that was close.
Yeah, for a minute there, he
almost thought we weren't crazy.
My God, will you look
at this place.
Magazines haven't been fanned,
pillows haven't been plumped.
She's living
like a transient.
And she's gonna be back
soon. Let's move it.
(gasps)
Ashley's yoga mat.
I thought she had class.
Is she still here?
I don't know.
I feel like we should have
hidden before we froze.
(imitates bird cawing)
I think she's
not here.
Unless she resisted her
natural urge to "ca-caw" back.
(cell phone vibrates)
(sensual music plays)
Teddy put your butt pic
to music.
God, it's like
two lightbulbs dancing.
Just go grab the pillow,
and let's get out of here.
Got it. I missed you.
You're gonna stay
at Daddy's house.
What is this?
That? Oh.
Uh, just a photo book
Ashley made
of our last trip to Bear Lake.
The trip you and I used to take
with our wives
every single year?
Uh, yeah, that's the one.
Ready? We should skedaddle.
Why is there a picture of you
and Ashley and my ex-wife
with a guy who's--
oh, how do I describe him?--
not me?
Well, I don't know.
Perhaps he was the innkeeper.
Or... an aggressive photobomber.
He has his arms
around Gaby's waist.
I said "aggressive."
Felix.
Okay, fine.
After you and Gaby separated,
she started dating
a man named Paolo,
and she brought him
with us on the trip.
And we're off.
You said you and
Ashley went alone,
and you clearly did not.
And did he steal this jaw
from Superman?!
Oscar, why are you getting
so worked up?
You should be thanking me.
For what?
I was sparing your feelings.
You lied to me.
You're a liar and a hider
and a secret trip taker!
I was trying
to be a good friend.
If you were a good friend, you
would have been honest with me.
Fine. Paolo was a 28-year-old
Brazilian gymnast
with family money.
Well, not that honest.
(both arguing quietly)
Great, you got your pillow.
Also known as "Exhibit A"
when I use it to smother Felix.
Oscar, you're acting
like a child!
Oh, am I?
Why don't you go live
with your best friend Paolo?!
Oscar, you shouldn't
be jealous.
Gaby and Paolo
dated for a month.
This is not about them.
This is about you and me.
And you hung out with my ex-wife
and some other guy,
and you kept it from me.
And you know who does that?
A bad friend!
How dare you call
me a bad friend?!
Bad friend!
Who's a bad friend?
TEDDY:
Uh, Oscar, Chris Webber's here.
Oh, hey, Chris. Nice to see you.
I'll be right with you.
You're a bad friend because
you didn't tell me the truth!
The truth would have
destroyed you!
Well, at least
I wouldn't have wasted months
holding out hope
for Gaby and me.
I could have moved on sooner.
Who is Gaby?
Oscar's ex.
Very pretty,
bit of a temper.
Oscar, I'm tired
of arguing.
I'm taking my pillow
and going to sleep.
Uh, can we wrap this up?
Because Chris only has an hour.
Well, hold on.
I want to see how this ends.
You mean the pillow I helped you
get because I'm a good friend?
You don't deserve that pillow.
Give me it!
No...
Give me it.
Why is the little guy
so troubled?
He's cranky.
He needs a nap.
Give me that.
Hold it high, Chris!
Okay, Oscar, can we please
do the interview now?
Ha!
And with that,
I bid you good night.
You got to work on
those turnovers, man.
Can we stop with the pillow
fights and do the interview?
Yeah. Sorry about that. I got
all the questions on my phone...
Oh, no, I forgot my
phone at Ashley's place.
Who's Ashley?
The little guy's ex.
What was he doing there?
I know. Right?
TEDDY:
Oscar, you're leaving?
I have to.
If Ashley finds the phone,
she'll know we broke
into the apartment.
Hang in. I'll be back in ten.
Want to see a
picture of a butt?
Yeah.
(both laughing)
Oh, hey, um,
McTavish, isn't it?
(Scottish accent):
Aye.
I'm glad I ran into you.
I-I got an electrical question.
(Scottish accent):
Great.
I'm doing work in 8-B.
Now, if I've shut the
breakers off at the source
and the floors are
running in series,
do I have to worry about
ground wires in a junction box?
Nay?
Thanks.
(knocking)
(key jingling in lock,
laughter)
ASHLEY:
I know.
You know, I'm not crazy
about eating with my hands,
but turns out, I
like Ethiopian food.
Where did you
find that place?
I read about it
on a blog.
Oh.
I like having a boyfriend
who tries new places.
(kissing)
Oh, your place looks great.
You must have
one hell of a decorator.
I did.
We're getting divorced.
Take off your coat.
How about a
glass of wine?
Sure. I'll give you a hand.
ASHLEY:
Oh, I forgot the glasses.
They're on the bar.
BILL:
I'll get them.
Oh, 12-year-old
single malt?
Okay if I have that instead?
ASHLEY:
Sure.
I like a man who
knows his Scotch.
Oh, nice chair.
(sighs)
ASHLEY:
You like it?
It swivels.
Mm.
Hey.
Here's some snacks.
Come here, you.
(both laughing)
It's good Scotch.
Where'd you get it?
It was a gift
from my ex's friend,
Oscar Madison.
BILL:
The sports guy?
I'm a big fan.
ASHLEY: Well, I have
a cure for that:
meet him.
You know what?
I'm gonna have a Scotch, too.
(lights buzzing)
What's going on?
I don't know.
Oh, you know there was
a guy working next door.
Maybe it's an
electrical short.
Come on, I've got candles
in the kitchen.
All right.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Hey, weren't you Scottish?
Wow, you should get
checked out, man.
Oscar.
Felix.
Where's Chris?
He had to go. Nice guy.
Finally someone noticed
how clean I keep
the top of the refrigerator.
Where did you run off to?
Oh, nowhere. Just an errand.
I thought
you'd be sleeping.
Yes, I thought so, too,
but the pillow didn't work.
I have resigned myself
to the fact
that I will never sleep again.
Ah, cat's back.
Listen, I was a little rough
on you this afternoon.
Of course
you're not a bad friend.
You don't have to apologize.
Yes, I do.
I mean, if I heard
or saw something
that would utterly destroy you,
who knows
what I would do?
I'd probably
just keep it to myself.
No, you would not,
because you are a true friend,
and you've taught me
the importance of honesty.
From now on,
we tell each other everything.
That is a great idea
for a New Year's resolution.
January first,
truth, truth, truth.
No, no, no,
this cannot wait.
As friends, if we don't have
honesty, we have nothing.
The world outside can
be cold and deceptive,
but in here, we are
in our sanctuary,
safe in the knowledge
that we will always...
Ashley's dating someone.
You are dead to me.
What? You told me
to be totally honest.
Well, I-I don't know
what I'm saying!
I haven't slept
in five days!
And how could you know
Ashley's seeing someone?
I left my phone at her place,
and when I went back to get it,
she was with a guy who drinks
Scotch and really likes to spin.
I can't believe it!
Yeah, it's like the guy
never saw a swivel chair.
Ashley's seeing someone.
I'm sorry, buddy.
I know what you're
going through.
It hurts.
Oh, God, it's really over!
But at least
you're not in limbo anymore.
You don't have
to torture yourself
or wonder what's happening.
Because now
that you know for sure,
you can pick up the pieces
and start your new life.
Now, that's got to be
some kind of relief, right?
(snoring)
Felix?
(snoring)
Sleep well, buddy.
FELIX:
Morning.
There he is. We started
to get worried.
We ordered Chinese food, and
we're completely out of cash.
Oscar, you are a good friend.
Thanks to your strong dose
of reality, I slept like a baby.
A baby whose apartment
was ransacked in the night.
Oscar thought he could buy my
forgiveness for the Chris thing
with a pizza
and a six-pack of cheap beer.
Hmm.
He was right.
Morning, Felix. How does
it feel to be a celebrity?
What do you mean?
Oh, I may have uploaded
your butt to my Instagram.
What?!
Oh, don't worry.
No one'll know it's you.
I'll know!
Teddy, that is
an invasion of my privacy!
You got 134 "likes."
Oh, really?
And some very
positive comments.
"Nice booty."
"Cute buns."
"Boy, I'd like to take that
sweet bubble-butt and..."
Well, that's just
not appropriate.
That's...
that's...
Look at this.
HotMama281 has
requested that I--
and I quote--
"Shake that cake."
(laughs)
HotMama281?
That's my wife.
Obviously, she doesn't
have a type.
Why is she commenting
on another man's cake
when she got cake at home?
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
Felix, what the hell
are you doing?
Playing George Frideric Handel's
theme from Water Music.
Well, duh.
Why are you doing it
at 3:00 in the morning?
And why are you wearing
my Jonathan Toews jersey?
I was chilly.
You know,
he wore that in a game.
It's covered in blood,
sweat and Zamboni fumes.
(bell dings)
(whispers):
Shh. My cake is ready.
(doorbell rings)
What the hell is happening?
Oh, hey, Oscar.
Did I wake you?
No, I'm always up at this
hour to milk the cows,
make sure Ma's
warming the griddle.
I just came
to see if Felix is okay.
He just sent me
a weird text
inviting me to a party.
Are you wearing lipstick?
I was invited to a party.
Who wants cake?
I wish he'd asked
me 20 minutes ago.
I just finished a pie.
I'm really starting
to get concerned about him.
EMILY: Oh, I think
I know what's happening.
Felix told me that he
hasn't been sleeping well,
and so I gave him
a sleeping pill.
I told him to only take
half, but maybe he needed
the whole thing because
he's, you know, so much man.
What kind of pill
are you on?
And if Felix took a sleeping
pill, why isn't he sleeping?
I think that he is.
A lot of people
who take those pills,
they act like they're awake
but they're not.
And later they have
no idea what happened.
So he won't remember
any of this?
Felix, I used
your electric toothbrush
to massage my feet.
I got to get a picture of
this, or he won't believe it.
Poor guy. I had no idea his
insomnia had gotten that bad.
Maybe the divorce is finally
catching up with him.
Sprinkles.
This cake needs sprinkles.
(humming tune)
Maybe they're down here.
EMILY: Oh!
That's naked.
Naked butt.
Well, now it's a party.
Chris Webber is coming by this
afternoon for his interview,
so ask him about
his charity work
and being an
NBA All-Star...
(yawning)
I know I have a
soothing voice,
but that is hurtful.
Sorry.
Felix was sleepwalking,
so I was up
all night babysitting.
There is not one hour in the day
that guy does not annoy me.
Well, help is
on the way.
Per your request, your loyal
assistant went to Chinatown
and got you some of that
special energy tonic you like.
Great. This stuff is terrific.
It's a blend of gingko,
goji berries and cobra blood.
It's Dr. Pepper and a packet
of fajita seasoning.
(whoops)
I'm feeling it already!
Oscar, perhaps
you wouldn't mind
explaining to me
how your foul-smelling
athletic costume found its way
into my room last night.
It rode in on your back.
You were wearing it last night.
(laughs)
And tomorrow I shall parade
down the bowery in flip-flops.
That pill Emily gave you
made you sleepwalk.
Oh, please. I've never in my
entire life... Oh, my good God.
I'd recognize those perfectly
symmetrical buttocks anywhere.
Look at this.
Oh, man, you are white.
It's like
two aspirins kissing.
I-I can't believe it.
I was just stumbling around
semi-conscious
in the middle of the night?
I know. That's my thing.
What else did I do? Was I also
brushing my teeth for hours?
'Cause the battery
was totally run down.
Yes. Yes, you were.
Felix, I'm impressed.
Objects in the photo are
firmer than they appear.
Thank you.
I inherited the Unger butt.
It was the envy of everyone
on the Mayflower.
Now... will you
delete it, please?
You know what you need?
Dani's got this herbalist
who makes this great
sleep tonic.
It's a blend of kava root
and turtle beak.
It's Diet Squirt.
No, it won't work.
Nothing works.
The only thing that ever helped
me sleep was my favorite pillow,
and I... I left it behind
when I moved out.
Well, can't you get
a new one, he asked,
knowing he'd get a long,
slow, boring answer?
No, that one was
perfectly broken in.
It was as soft as a baby's cheek
and as firm as a nun
teaching gym class.
Ooh, that's a hell
of a pillow.
Why don't you
just go get it?
I can't.
Last week, Ashley imposed
a 30-day moratorium
on any contact whatsoever.
No phone calls, no visits.
Why would she do that?
You guys are already separated.
I don't know. For some reason,
she was under the impression
that I was making up
reasons to drop by.
It's the 15th of the month;
I'm here to check
your smoke detectors.
The new Woody Allen movie?
Don't even bother.
I bought too many nectarines.
Do you need nectarines?
Guess who I'm going to be
for Halloween?
Frida Kahlo!
The good news is
only 22 days to go.
Unless I break the pact,
which activates
a 15-day penalty phase.
It's a dance.
Felix, do you ever think
this little moratorium
is Ashley's way of telling
you you need to move on?
Why do you keep saying that?
Because I'm your friend
and I think you'll be happier
if you know the facts.
I'm sorry I'm throwing a lot
of truth at you right now,
but I got this tonic
pumping through me!
The fact is you don't know
what's going on with Ashley,
I don't know what's
going on with Ashley.
Anything is possible.
You don't know, or you
don't want to know?
Maybe this is why
you're up all night.
I just need my pillow.
(both laughing)
Look at this-- with
the sepia filter,
it looks like an
old-timey butt.
TEDDY:
Now do a slow zoom.
Oh, now it looks like
a Ken Burns documentary.
The American Butt.
Guys, put that away.
Felix is exhausted.
He's hitting bottom.
That was unintentional,
which makes it funnier.
FELIX:
Well, I'm glad
you can all laugh at my pain,
because I have not slept
in five days.
(screams) Cat!
(exclaims)
Felix, you're
hallucinating.
We got to get
you that pillow.
I told you, I can't have
any contact with Ashley.
Or that cat. I'm allergic.
Well, just go over there
when she's not home.
If I don't see her,
it's not breaking the pact.
Today's Wednesday.
She has yoga on Wednesday.
Great. I'll go with you.
We can't have you
wandering the streets
in an altered state,
because... that's
also my thing.
All right,
I will go change. Don't want
to go out looking like a bum.
(chuckling)
Bum.
(British accent):
That's British for butt.
(laughing)
Damn it.
Maurice is
working today.
If he sees me,
he'll tell Ashley.
Just slip him a 20.
No, no, no, no,
he hates me.
Ever since I convinced the board
to add a cape to his uniform.
You created your own
arch-villain: Door-Man.
All right, fine,
we'll just go around back
and use the service elevator.
And then we'll...
do a series of ninja moves
to get through the laser field,
and the jewels will be ours.
Too much?
You're just lucky
I'm too tired to hit you.
Oh, look,
I got my second wind.
Okay, here's the drill.
We get in, we get out.
No one can know
we're here.
MAN:
Hey, can you hold that?
Be cool, just be cool.
Is the opposite
of what cool people say.
How's it going?
Good. Good.
Good day to be
an electrician.
Which my friend and
I here both are.
Simple men working hard
for an honest day's wage.
I'm Jim.
Friends call
me Jimbo.
This fellow here
is McTavish.
He's a Scottish gent,
isn't that right?
Aye.
Yep, we're all about
doing our work,
tossing back a
few brewskis,
and then going
home to the wives.
Who happen to
be sisters.
And then McTavish
here volunteered
one of his
wife's eggs.
And we were lucky enough to
have little Jimbo Junior.
Who technically is my
nephew as well as my son.
Whew, that was close.
Yeah, for a minute there, he
almost thought we weren't crazy.
My God, will you look
at this place.
Magazines haven't been fanned,
pillows haven't been plumped.
She's living
like a transient.
And she's gonna be back
soon. Let's move it.
(gasps)
Ashley's yoga mat.
I thought she had class.
Is she still here?
I don't know.
I feel like we should have
hidden before we froze.
(imitates bird cawing)
I think she's
not here.
Unless she resisted her
natural urge to "ca-caw" back.
(cell phone vibrates)
(sensual music plays)
Teddy put your butt pic
to music.
God, it's like
two lightbulbs dancing.
Just go grab the pillow,
and let's get out of here.
Got it. I missed you.
You're gonna stay
at Daddy's house.
What is this?
That? Oh.
Uh, just a photo book
Ashley made
of our last trip to Bear Lake.
The trip you and I used to take
with our wives
every single year?
Uh, yeah, that's the one.
Ready? We should skedaddle.
Why is there a picture of you
and Ashley and my ex-wife
with a guy who's--
oh, how do I describe him?--
not me?
Well, I don't know.
Perhaps he was the innkeeper.
Or... an aggressive photobomber.
He has his arms
around Gaby's waist.
I said "aggressive."
Felix.
Okay, fine.
After you and Gaby separated,
she started dating
a man named Paolo,
and she brought him
with us on the trip.
And we're off.
You said you and
Ashley went alone,
and you clearly did not.
And did he steal this jaw
from Superman?!
Oscar, why are you getting
so worked up?
You should be thanking me.
For what?
I was sparing your feelings.
You lied to me.
You're a liar and a hider
and a secret trip taker!
I was trying
to be a good friend.
If you were a good friend, you
would have been honest with me.
Fine. Paolo was a 28-year-old
Brazilian gymnast
with family money.
Well, not that honest.
(both arguing quietly)
Great, you got your pillow.
Also known as "Exhibit A"
when I use it to smother Felix.
Oscar, you're acting
like a child!
Oh, am I?
Why don't you go live
with your best friend Paolo?!
Oscar, you shouldn't
be jealous.
Gaby and Paolo
dated for a month.
This is not about them.
This is about you and me.
And you hung out with my ex-wife
and some other guy,
and you kept it from me.
And you know who does that?
A bad friend!
How dare you call
me a bad friend?!
Bad friend!
Who's a bad friend?
TEDDY:
Uh, Oscar, Chris Webber's here.
Oh, hey, Chris. Nice to see you.
I'll be right with you.
You're a bad friend because
you didn't tell me the truth!
The truth would have
destroyed you!
Well, at least
I wouldn't have wasted months
holding out hope
for Gaby and me.
I could have moved on sooner.
Who is Gaby?
Oscar's ex.
Very pretty,
bit of a temper.
Oscar, I'm tired
of arguing.
I'm taking my pillow
and going to sleep.
Uh, can we wrap this up?
Because Chris only has an hour.
Well, hold on.
I want to see how this ends.
You mean the pillow I helped you
get because I'm a good friend?
You don't deserve that pillow.
Give me it!
No...
Give me it.
Why is the little guy
so troubled?
He's cranky.
He needs a nap.
Give me that.
Hold it high, Chris!
Okay, Oscar, can we please
do the interview now?
Ha!
And with that,
I bid you good night.
You got to work on
those turnovers, man.
Can we stop with the pillow
fights and do the interview?
Yeah. Sorry about that. I got
all the questions on my phone...
Oh, no, I forgot my
phone at Ashley's place.
Who's Ashley?
The little guy's ex.
What was he doing there?
I know. Right?
TEDDY:
Oscar, you're leaving?
I have to.
If Ashley finds the phone,
she'll know we broke
into the apartment.
Hang in. I'll be back in ten.
Want to see a
picture of a butt?
Yeah.
(both laughing)
Oh, hey, um,
McTavish, isn't it?
(Scottish accent):
Aye.
I'm glad I ran into you.
I-I got an electrical question.
(Scottish accent):
Great.
I'm doing work in 8-B.
Now, if I've shut the
breakers off at the source
and the floors are
running in series,
do I have to worry about
ground wires in a junction box?
Nay?
Thanks.
(knocking)
(key jingling in lock,
laughter)
ASHLEY:
I know.
You know, I'm not crazy
about eating with my hands,
but turns out, I
like Ethiopian food.
Where did you
find that place?
I read about it
on a blog.
Oh.
I like having a boyfriend
who tries new places.
(kissing)
Oh, your place looks great.
You must have
one hell of a decorator.
I did.
We're getting divorced.
Take off your coat.
How about a
glass of wine?
Sure. I'll give you a hand.
ASHLEY:
Oh, I forgot the glasses.
They're on the bar.
BILL:
I'll get them.
Oh, 12-year-old
single malt?
Okay if I have that instead?
ASHLEY:
Sure.
I like a man who
knows his Scotch.
Oh, nice chair.
(sighs)
ASHLEY:
You like it?
It swivels.
Mm.
Hey.
Here's some snacks.
Come here, you.
(both laughing)
It's good Scotch.
Where'd you get it?
It was a gift
from my ex's friend,
Oscar Madison.
BILL:
The sports guy?
I'm a big fan.
ASHLEY: Well, I have
a cure for that:
meet him.
You know what?
I'm gonna have a Scotch, too.
(lights buzzing)
What's going on?
I don't know.
Oh, you know there was
a guy working next door.
Maybe it's an
electrical short.
Come on, I've got candles
in the kitchen.
All right.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Hey, weren't you Scottish?
Wow, you should get
checked out, man.
Oscar.
Felix.
Where's Chris?
He had to go. Nice guy.
Finally someone noticed
how clean I keep
the top of the refrigerator.
Where did you run off to?
Oh, nowhere. Just an errand.
I thought
you'd be sleeping.
Yes, I thought so, too,
but the pillow didn't work.
I have resigned myself
to the fact
that I will never sleep again.
Ah, cat's back.
Listen, I was a little rough
on you this afternoon.
Of course
you're not a bad friend.
You don't have to apologize.
Yes, I do.
I mean, if I heard
or saw something
that would utterly destroy you,
who knows
what I would do?
I'd probably
just keep it to myself.
No, you would not,
because you are a true friend,
and you've taught me
the importance of honesty.
From now on,
we tell each other everything.
That is a great idea
for a New Year's resolution.
January first,
truth, truth, truth.
No, no, no,
this cannot wait.
As friends, if we don't have
honesty, we have nothing.
The world outside can
be cold and deceptive,
but in here, we are
in our sanctuary,
safe in the knowledge
that we will always...
Ashley's dating someone.
You are dead to me.
What? You told me
to be totally honest.
Well, I-I don't know
what I'm saying!
I haven't slept
in five days!
And how could you know
Ashley's seeing someone?
I left my phone at her place,
and when I went back to get it,
she was with a guy who drinks
Scotch and really likes to spin.
I can't believe it!
Yeah, it's like the guy
never saw a swivel chair.
Ashley's seeing someone.
I'm sorry, buddy.
I know what you're
going through.
It hurts.
Oh, God, it's really over!
But at least
you're not in limbo anymore.
You don't have
to torture yourself
or wonder what's happening.
Because now
that you know for sure,
you can pick up the pieces
and start your new life.
Now, that's got to be
some kind of relief, right?
(snoring)
Felix?
(snoring)
Sleep well, buddy.
FELIX:
Morning.
There he is. We started
to get worried.
We ordered Chinese food, and
we're completely out of cash.
Oscar, you are a good friend.
Thanks to your strong dose
of reality, I slept like a baby.
A baby whose apartment
was ransacked in the night.
Oscar thought he could buy my
forgiveness for the Chris thing
with a pizza
and a six-pack of cheap beer.
Hmm.
He was right.
Morning, Felix. How does
it feel to be a celebrity?
What do you mean?
Oh, I may have uploaded
your butt to my Instagram.
What?!
Oh, don't worry.
No one'll know it's you.
I'll know!
Teddy, that is
an invasion of my privacy!
You got 134 "likes."
Oh, really?
And some very
positive comments.
"Nice booty."
"Cute buns."
"Boy, I'd like to take that
sweet bubble-butt and..."
Well, that's just
not appropriate.
That's...
that's...
Look at this.
HotMama281 has
requested that I--
and I quote--
"Shake that cake."
(laughs)
HotMama281?
That's my wife.
Obviously, she doesn't
have a type.
Why is she commenting
on another man's cake
when she got cake at home?
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