The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Unger Games - full transcript
Oscar needs to find someone to replace Murph on his softball team. And Felix offers and wins the game which embarrasses Oscar. He asks Felix to play basketball and again beats him which leads Oscar to challenge Felix to see who's the better athlete.
All right, guys, this is
the last game in the season.
If we dig deep,
the Coed C-League
Slow-Pitch Consolation title
will be ours.
Yeah!
Yes.
Hey, Felix,
what's our snack for today?
Oh, nothing fancy.
Just a hearty Tuscan white bean
soup and crusty peasant bread.
There's no soup in softball.
Hey... I only do
this for the soup.
Hey, guys.
Oh, God.
What happened?
Why are you limping?
I was hanging out at
this girl's apartment;
I pulled my groin.
(all groan)
Hey, it wasn't during sex.
It was after,
when her boyfriend came home
and I had to jump
out the window.
You're a class act, Murph.
Right back at ya, Emily.
This is great.
Out of all the people
to get injured, it had to be
the former pro ballplayer.
Oh, you guys are
gonna be fine without me.
Hey, man, I'm Murph.
Yeah, I know.
We play in the
outfield together.
All season.
Roy...?
What's up, Roy? Hey.
Aw, geez.
Hey, Murph, I've got some muscle
ointment, if you'd like some.
Are you a lavender guy
or more of a wild rose?
(chuckles):
I don't care.
Lavender.
Of course, I only have
the spray kind,
because some people
are uncomfortable
applying ointment to a friend.
Hi, I'm Some People.
What are we gonna do
without Murph?
Yeah, it's bad enough
the league requires us
to have girls
on the team.
I know you're not
talking about me
and my .375 average,
Mr. Too Slow to Steal a Base.
I had a belly full of soup.
We better find somebody quick,
or we're not gonna
have enough players.
Who are we gonna get?
The game starts in 20 minutes.
I could do it.
Roy, didn't your wife
play in college?
I only do this to avoid my wife.
Perhaps you didn't hear me.
I'm available!
How about Lisa down the hall?
Guys, give me a chance!
Felix, have you ever
played softball?
Well, no, I always wanted to,
but softball season
always conflicted
with the fall musical.
Which one year was
Damn Yankees, so...
♪ Whaddya say, boys? ♪
The boys say no.
♪ Ah, put me in, Coach ♪
♪ I won't let ya down! ♪
Felix, do you even have a mitt?
I have an oven mitt.
All right, you can play.
Oh, great. I'll get my sneakers.
We'll put him
in right field.
(chuckles):
Oh, wonderful.
The position by
the long cabana.
Oh, the dugout.
ALL:
Oh!
It's like a cabana!
It's like a cabana...
PLAYERS (chanting):
Felix! Felix! Felix!
(laughter)
Thanks for
letting me play, fellas.
Actually, we should
be thanking you.
You're the one that drove
Amy in for the winning run.
Technically,
he bunted her in.
Yeah, because technically,
you struck out
with the bases loaded.
Then you got mad,
kicked the ground,
missed that, too,
and fell on your ass. (laughs)
Maybe that's because there
was soup on home plate.
Well, luckily Felix
bailed you out.
You got some quick hands.
Oh, thank you.
It's my cello training.
There's a reason
we're the bad boys of
the string quartet.
(Felix laughs)
Now if you excuse me,
I've had my hand
in a strange man's mitt.
No offense, Murph.
Oh, none understood.
This has got to be
killing you.
What are you talking about?
That you were
shown up by a guy
who addresses the umpire
as "Your Honor."
Come on, take it
easy on Oscar.
It happens sometimes.
Is a sentence
no guy likes to hear ever.
I got to go.
Thanks for letting me
play this season.
Bye, girl.
Hey, uh, Amy, the league
has a strict rule
that at the end of the season,
the captain has to take
one of the players out
to a romantic dinner.
Wow. What a specific
and weird rule.
So will you help me out?
I really don't want
to have to take Roy out again.
Hey, I love your earrings.
Did you make them?
Oh, I did. They're
part of my collection.
Are they for sale?
'Cause I'd love to buy a couple
pairs for my mom and sister.
Yes, they're for sale.
They're so for sale.
Uh, two pairs,
that'll be... $200.
That's it?
I would've thought they'd be
at least a thousand.
Really?
Oh, well, in that case,
thank you and damn it.
That was so much fun.
We should do
sports more often.
Yeah, too bad it was the
last game of the season.
Oh, well.
Well, there are other sports.
You like basketball, don't you?
Hey, did you know that there is
a basketball court at my gym.
I know because
I dart through there
on the way
to my abs and buns class.
You got lucky
today, Felix.
Just enjoy the win,
quietly.
Sounds like someone's afraid
of a second beat-down.
OTHERS:
Oh!
Oh, yeah, Oscar.
Afraid that I'm gonna
bring the pain?
That's what Estoban says
in my buns class.
All right, Felix, we
can play basketball.
All right!
Game's on!
(imitates seal barking)
All right, you're done.
Okay, we'll play
"make it, take it" rules.
Means if I make a basket,
I keep the ball
unless I miss
or you steal it.
Okay. In the spirit of
sportsmanship, you may go first.
Ah, your first mistake.
Once I get on a roll...
The cellist strikes!
I make it,
so I take it.
You don't have to say that
every time.
Ooh, I'm in your head.
All right, this time
I'm ready for you.
Two-nothing!
I make it,
so I take it!
God, that was exhilarating.
Yeah. Exhilarating.
Who won?
It doesn't matter.
I did!
Wow! Congratulations, Felix.
Oh, not just to me-- you would
have been proud of our boy.
He really hung in there.
Right, champ?
Ow.
Wow, still
really sweaty.
I feel like
you're patronizing me.
What do you mean?
It's bad enough to lose, but
to lose to somebody like you...
Ooh!
I'm sorry, did you say
"someone like you"?
Ooh...!
Uh, I think I left
my, uh, thing in a place.
When you say someone like me,
what exactly do you mean?
Do you mean a
freelance photographer?
No.
Do you mean a Virgo
with a Pisces rising?
No.
Do you mean a wimp?
Your words, not mine.
Ah!
Oh, come on, Felix,
admit it,
you're not exactly
a guy's guy.
Why? Because I use coasters?
Because I sing the occasional
aria in the shower?
Because I know the pleats
on a kilt go in the back?!
I feel like you're
trying my case for me.
I thought today was about
bonding and fellowship,
but it turns out
you just wanted to beat me
so you could feel superior.
Well, guess what, sir,
you have poked the dragon.
And you would know
what that means if you ever
watched even one
Game of Thrones with me.
I don't need to
watch the show
to know that it's bad
to poke a dragon.
Well, I have already
bested you at two sports,
but if you'd like another
drubbing-- yes, that's a word--
I will oblige you.
I feel like you'll just pick
something else you're good at,
like crochet.
You mean croquet.
No, I don't.
Well, guess who is not
getting mittens this Christmas.
Perhaps your disdain
will keep you warm.
Pick a real sport, and
I'll beat you at it.
Okay, I say we settle this
like the ancient Greeks.
I don't like where
this is going.
We each pick five events--
a classic decathlon.
You're on!
It's settled then.
Decathlon at dawn!
Dawn?
No, you're right.
Decathlon at a reasonable hour!
Hey! I sold a bracelet
on a Web site.
Congratulations!
I know!
I sent it off,
and she promised me
that the check
is in the mail.
I'm bad at this, aren't I?
Why are you stretching?
Oh, Oscar and I are
competing in a decathlon,
and I don't want to pull
anything when I kick his ass.
That doesn't sound like you.
Yes, I apologize
for the salty language,
but he really pushed my buttons.
He said I wasn't a guy's guy.
That's crazy.
Is it?
You know, I really wasn't
much of a jock growing up.
Although, junior year,
I was voted "Most Limber Boy."
But mostly I was just
the kid picked last for teams.
I pretended like I didn't care,
but... it really hurt.
Yesterday, I was right
back there on that playground.
I'm so sorry.
Yes, well, today,
I take a stand
for every boy that was
limber and laughed at.
Maybe don't do a ballet pose
when you say that.
It's just the way
my body rests.
Look at him,
all smug and bendy.
He's not the only one
who can stretch.
(whines)
Why are you so worked up
about all this?
Because he's attacking me
on my home turf,
and I got to defend myself.
A little help?
Oh, great, now it's asleep.
You ready?
Ooh, I was born ready.
And covered in a downy fur.
I was in the local paper.
First event's at the gym.
Let's do this.
Yeah, let's get it on,
Greek style!
I'm gonna ask you
to walk in front of me
when you say stuff like that.
♪ ♪
(thudding)
(laughs) Oh, my God.
♪ ♪
(sneezes)
Hey, what's going on?
Tiebreaker event-- whoever wins
this, wins the whole thing.
What's the score?
37-37.
They play
until somebody wins by two.
Or until Oscar passes out.
Or away.
(laughs)
I'm Murph, by the way.
Seriously?
We've met, like, 20 times.
We had this exact
conversation yesterday.
I'm Roy.
What's up, Roy?
Oh, hey, Emily...
my mom loved
the earrings.
Oh, I'm so happy to hear that.
In fact, I want
to buy five more pairs.
Fantastic!
I will tell the factory
to ramp up production.
Oh...
I'm just...
there's no factory.
It's just me.
That's just a little
small-business humor.
(laughter)
Ah! You're hilarious.
(laughs)
Ah, I think Murph's got
a little crush on you.
What?
Nobody needs seven
pairs of earrings.
And he thinks
you're hilarious.
When, at best,
you're amusing.
You know, he has been
a little flirty with me.
Mm-hmm.
This is so awkward.
I'm... He's not really
my type.
Yeah, he's so handsome and rich,
and rumored
to be a fantastic lover.
You should run, girl.
No. My type is just more...
emotionally evolved.
Mm.
No, he's sensitive,
artistic...
Mm.
...easy to talk to.
Like Felix.
No, I don't.
Ha!
I'm like a cat.
Felix the cat!
Ha, ha! Go fetch, kitty cat!
Boy, Oscar's pretty
intense, huh?
Imagine what he'll
be like if he loses.
You'll never hear
the end of it.
Oh, I don't care.
Okay, let me
rephrase that.
I'll never hear
the end of it.
(in whiny voice):
"Aah, he cheated.
"The sun was in my eyes.
"I was too drunk.
I wasn't drunk enough."
I'm begging you,
let him win.
Never. Why would I do that?
Here's the thing
about Oscar.
He grew up dreaming of
being a great athlete
until we went to high school,
and his coach told him
he had the body
of a sportscaster.
Now he spends his life
surrounded by great athletes.
Always on the sideline,
never on the field.
I didn't know that.
So, be the bigger man
and let him win.
So you're saying,
if I let him win...
Yeah.
...then I am...
the ultimate winner.
Sure. Why not?
Better go.
All right.
42-41. Game point.
Aah!
Yes!
Aah!
I win!
Victory is mine!
I win!
Oh, the despair.
God, that was exhilarating.
Yes, you've mentioned that...
five or six times.
Because you... ♪ Suck! ♪
Okay, off-key, and
the jazz hands were unmotivated.
But you are the winner.
Oh, that's weird.
I must have left the ticker on.
How do you get that up there
so fast?
I have an app.
Well, I'm glad
this means so much to you.
Congratulations
on your win.
Oh, I didn't just win.
I beat you like a dirty rug.
Okay, except nobody cleans rugs
like that anymore
'cause we don't live
on The Waltons.
Don't be a sore loser.
I'm not sore.
In fact, I'm not a loser
at all-- look!
What?!
You didn't let me win.
Yes, I did. I threw the game
because you are such a big baby
when you lose.
I am not!
Face it, Oscar--
I'm the better athlete.
All right, let's
settle this like men.
What does that mean?
Wrestling?!
(laughing):
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I would never stoop to...
the cellist strikes!
Ow! Oh! Oh, my neck!
Aah! Aah!
What happened?
Oh, neck spasm!
Oh, it's traveling
down my spine.
It's in my buttock. Aah!
Quick, massage
my buttock!
I'm not gonna do that.
Okay, then get me to the couch.
Aah! Aah!
What is it?
My back! I threw out my back!
I can't stand up.
Aah. I think we overdid
the exercising.
Yeah.
But you went down first,
which makes me the winner.
Yes!
No!
Pain! White-hot pain!
(laughs)
Oh, it hurts to laugh! Ow.
(both groaning)
(all laughing)
Jessica.
Hey, how are you?
You slept with my friend!
And you know how I know?
You gave her the same earrings
that you gave me
after we slept together.
Uh, is that why you're buying
all that jewelry from Emily?
To give women
a parting gift after sex?
I was trying to be thoughtful.
You know what's thoughtful?
Remembering a teammate's name,
you son of a bitch.
Boy, that little dude
is fired up.
What's his name again?
Here you go.
Ooh. Hold on here.
Just, uh...
Keep the change.
Oh, that's too much.
No. You deserve it.
Murph, we need to talk.
Uh, Emily... Okay.
Look, I really appreciate
the tips and the jewelry-buying,
but I'm just not interested
in you in that way.
What way?
(whispering):
I know about your little crush.
Oh. Okay.
Damn.
I'm sorry.
I hope this doesn't
make things weird between us.
Well, I mean, it might,
but I'll get over it.
Aw.
That was sweet.
You could have just
told her the truth.
Yeah.
So what's her deal, anyway?
She seeing anyone?
Why?
Nobody's ever rejected me
before.
It's kind of hot.
Oh, Murph, come here.
Ow! That hurt.
So, um, what's your deal?
Are you single?
Cobweb.
You're just
seeing that now?
It's been stabbing me in
the heart for two hours.
Can I ask you a question?
Sure.
Was I dreaming,
or did you tell me
that you were born
covered in fur?
It's called "lanugo."
For Halloween, Mom
dressed up as Dorothy
and carried me around
in a wicker basket.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Oh, wow, neck
still hurts.
Serves me right.
That's what I get for trying
to prove I'm one of the guys.
(groaning)
What are you talking about?
(groans) I see the way
you are with your buddies.
I wish I could
be part of that.
The camaraderie,
the bursting of
each other's balls.
It's "busting..."
and so you're not
that kind of guy.
You got your own
crazy stuff going on.
You cook, you do
the crossword puzzle in ink,
you play that big guitar.
Cello.
Cello.
If I knew that stuff,
you think I'd care
about impressing the guys
in some stupid softball game?
Oscar, are you saying
you admire me?
I'm saying I'm glad you're not
afraid to be a cultured weirdo.
No offense.
I'm just bursting your balls.
And I envy how good
you are at being a dude.
Thank you.
And you're welcome to play
on my softball team any time.
You're quite a bunter.
Since we're being honest,
I did not know what bunting was.
I was swinging
as hard as I could.
(knocking on door)
MURPH: Oscar? Felix?
Oh, Murph.
Thank God. Come in!
Oh, God, uh, sorry.
I can...
I can come back.
No! No!
No! No! No!
No! No!
No. We overdid it.
We hurt our backs.
Oh...!
Yeah, it's nothing
to be ashamed of.
You're just super weak.
Murph, you probably hear this
all the time, but...
carry me to the bedroom.
(sighs)
(Murph groans)
So, how about that
game last night?
Which game?
Any game.
It doesn't matter.
Oscar?
Oh, thank God.
My date is here.
Oh. Hi. Am I early?
No, you're right on time.
I just tweaked my back doing
something really masculine.
Actually, why don't you rest up?
We can do this another time.
Bye.
Amy, wait!
Murph, take me to her.
Seriously, Oscar,
I'll call and reschedule.
Take care.
She's not gonna call.
Dude, I'm cradling you
like a baby.
Oh! Oh! My groin! Aah.
Just kidding.
I'm super fit.
(laughing)
Murph?
Lift with your legs,
or you could literally
burst your balls.
Well, Oscar, thank
you for dinner.
My pleasure.
And I know things got
a little tense between us,
but I hope I'm still on the,
you know, mitten list.
That's between you
and Santa Claus.
Ah. Shall we?
Aah. Ooh. Aah.
Ooh.
You okay?
No, my neck.
I don't think I can
make it to a cab.
Murph?
(sighs)
Oh!
It's like a little ball
of muscle.
Buns and abs,
Mondays at 9:00.
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
the last game in the season.
If we dig deep,
the Coed C-League
Slow-Pitch Consolation title
will be ours.
Yeah!
Yes.
Hey, Felix,
what's our snack for today?
Oh, nothing fancy.
Just a hearty Tuscan white bean
soup and crusty peasant bread.
There's no soup in softball.
Hey... I only do
this for the soup.
Hey, guys.
Oh, God.
What happened?
Why are you limping?
I was hanging out at
this girl's apartment;
I pulled my groin.
(all groan)
Hey, it wasn't during sex.
It was after,
when her boyfriend came home
and I had to jump
out the window.
You're a class act, Murph.
Right back at ya, Emily.
This is great.
Out of all the people
to get injured, it had to be
the former pro ballplayer.
Oh, you guys are
gonna be fine without me.
Hey, man, I'm Murph.
Yeah, I know.
We play in the
outfield together.
All season.
Roy...?
What's up, Roy? Hey.
Aw, geez.
Hey, Murph, I've got some muscle
ointment, if you'd like some.
Are you a lavender guy
or more of a wild rose?
(chuckles):
I don't care.
Lavender.
Of course, I only have
the spray kind,
because some people
are uncomfortable
applying ointment to a friend.
Hi, I'm Some People.
What are we gonna do
without Murph?
Yeah, it's bad enough
the league requires us
to have girls
on the team.
I know you're not
talking about me
and my .375 average,
Mr. Too Slow to Steal a Base.
I had a belly full of soup.
We better find somebody quick,
or we're not gonna
have enough players.
Who are we gonna get?
The game starts in 20 minutes.
I could do it.
Roy, didn't your wife
play in college?
I only do this to avoid my wife.
Perhaps you didn't hear me.
I'm available!
How about Lisa down the hall?
Guys, give me a chance!
Felix, have you ever
played softball?
Well, no, I always wanted to,
but softball season
always conflicted
with the fall musical.
Which one year was
Damn Yankees, so...
♪ Whaddya say, boys? ♪
The boys say no.
♪ Ah, put me in, Coach ♪
♪ I won't let ya down! ♪
Felix, do you even have a mitt?
I have an oven mitt.
All right, you can play.
Oh, great. I'll get my sneakers.
We'll put him
in right field.
(chuckles):
Oh, wonderful.
The position by
the long cabana.
Oh, the dugout.
ALL:
Oh!
It's like a cabana!
It's like a cabana...
PLAYERS (chanting):
Felix! Felix! Felix!
(laughter)
Thanks for
letting me play, fellas.
Actually, we should
be thanking you.
You're the one that drove
Amy in for the winning run.
Technically,
he bunted her in.
Yeah, because technically,
you struck out
with the bases loaded.
Then you got mad,
kicked the ground,
missed that, too,
and fell on your ass. (laughs)
Maybe that's because there
was soup on home plate.
Well, luckily Felix
bailed you out.
You got some quick hands.
Oh, thank you.
It's my cello training.
There's a reason
we're the bad boys of
the string quartet.
(Felix laughs)
Now if you excuse me,
I've had my hand
in a strange man's mitt.
No offense, Murph.
Oh, none understood.
This has got to be
killing you.
What are you talking about?
That you were
shown up by a guy
who addresses the umpire
as "Your Honor."
Come on, take it
easy on Oscar.
It happens sometimes.
Is a sentence
no guy likes to hear ever.
I got to go.
Thanks for letting me
play this season.
Bye, girl.
Hey, uh, Amy, the league
has a strict rule
that at the end of the season,
the captain has to take
one of the players out
to a romantic dinner.
Wow. What a specific
and weird rule.
So will you help me out?
I really don't want
to have to take Roy out again.
Hey, I love your earrings.
Did you make them?
Oh, I did. They're
part of my collection.
Are they for sale?
'Cause I'd love to buy a couple
pairs for my mom and sister.
Yes, they're for sale.
They're so for sale.
Uh, two pairs,
that'll be... $200.
That's it?
I would've thought they'd be
at least a thousand.
Really?
Oh, well, in that case,
thank you and damn it.
That was so much fun.
We should do
sports more often.
Yeah, too bad it was the
last game of the season.
Oh, well.
Well, there are other sports.
You like basketball, don't you?
Hey, did you know that there is
a basketball court at my gym.
I know because
I dart through there
on the way
to my abs and buns class.
You got lucky
today, Felix.
Just enjoy the win,
quietly.
Sounds like someone's afraid
of a second beat-down.
OTHERS:
Oh!
Oh, yeah, Oscar.
Afraid that I'm gonna
bring the pain?
That's what Estoban says
in my buns class.
All right, Felix, we
can play basketball.
All right!
Game's on!
(imitates seal barking)
All right, you're done.
Okay, we'll play
"make it, take it" rules.
Means if I make a basket,
I keep the ball
unless I miss
or you steal it.
Okay. In the spirit of
sportsmanship, you may go first.
Ah, your first mistake.
Once I get on a roll...
The cellist strikes!
I make it,
so I take it.
You don't have to say that
every time.
Ooh, I'm in your head.
All right, this time
I'm ready for you.
Two-nothing!
I make it,
so I take it!
God, that was exhilarating.
Yeah. Exhilarating.
Who won?
It doesn't matter.
I did!
Wow! Congratulations, Felix.
Oh, not just to me-- you would
have been proud of our boy.
He really hung in there.
Right, champ?
Ow.
Wow, still
really sweaty.
I feel like
you're patronizing me.
What do you mean?
It's bad enough to lose, but
to lose to somebody like you...
Ooh!
I'm sorry, did you say
"someone like you"?
Ooh...!
Uh, I think I left
my, uh, thing in a place.
When you say someone like me,
what exactly do you mean?
Do you mean a
freelance photographer?
No.
Do you mean a Virgo
with a Pisces rising?
No.
Do you mean a wimp?
Your words, not mine.
Ah!
Oh, come on, Felix,
admit it,
you're not exactly
a guy's guy.
Why? Because I use coasters?
Because I sing the occasional
aria in the shower?
Because I know the pleats
on a kilt go in the back?!
I feel like you're
trying my case for me.
I thought today was about
bonding and fellowship,
but it turns out
you just wanted to beat me
so you could feel superior.
Well, guess what, sir,
you have poked the dragon.
And you would know
what that means if you ever
watched even one
Game of Thrones with me.
I don't need to
watch the show
to know that it's bad
to poke a dragon.
Well, I have already
bested you at two sports,
but if you'd like another
drubbing-- yes, that's a word--
I will oblige you.
I feel like you'll just pick
something else you're good at,
like crochet.
You mean croquet.
No, I don't.
Well, guess who is not
getting mittens this Christmas.
Perhaps your disdain
will keep you warm.
Pick a real sport, and
I'll beat you at it.
Okay, I say we settle this
like the ancient Greeks.
I don't like where
this is going.
We each pick five events--
a classic decathlon.
You're on!
It's settled then.
Decathlon at dawn!
Dawn?
No, you're right.
Decathlon at a reasonable hour!
Hey! I sold a bracelet
on a Web site.
Congratulations!
I know!
I sent it off,
and she promised me
that the check
is in the mail.
I'm bad at this, aren't I?
Why are you stretching?
Oh, Oscar and I are
competing in a decathlon,
and I don't want to pull
anything when I kick his ass.
That doesn't sound like you.
Yes, I apologize
for the salty language,
but he really pushed my buttons.
He said I wasn't a guy's guy.
That's crazy.
Is it?
You know, I really wasn't
much of a jock growing up.
Although, junior year,
I was voted "Most Limber Boy."
But mostly I was just
the kid picked last for teams.
I pretended like I didn't care,
but... it really hurt.
Yesterday, I was right
back there on that playground.
I'm so sorry.
Yes, well, today,
I take a stand
for every boy that was
limber and laughed at.
Maybe don't do a ballet pose
when you say that.
It's just the way
my body rests.
Look at him,
all smug and bendy.
He's not the only one
who can stretch.
(whines)
Why are you so worked up
about all this?
Because he's attacking me
on my home turf,
and I got to defend myself.
A little help?
Oh, great, now it's asleep.
You ready?
Ooh, I was born ready.
And covered in a downy fur.
I was in the local paper.
First event's at the gym.
Let's do this.
Yeah, let's get it on,
Greek style!
I'm gonna ask you
to walk in front of me
when you say stuff like that.
♪ ♪
(thudding)
(laughs) Oh, my God.
♪ ♪
(sneezes)
Hey, what's going on?
Tiebreaker event-- whoever wins
this, wins the whole thing.
What's the score?
37-37.
They play
until somebody wins by two.
Or until Oscar passes out.
Or away.
(laughs)
I'm Murph, by the way.
Seriously?
We've met, like, 20 times.
We had this exact
conversation yesterday.
I'm Roy.
What's up, Roy?
Oh, hey, Emily...
my mom loved
the earrings.
Oh, I'm so happy to hear that.
In fact, I want
to buy five more pairs.
Fantastic!
I will tell the factory
to ramp up production.
Oh...
I'm just...
there's no factory.
It's just me.
That's just a little
small-business humor.
(laughter)
Ah! You're hilarious.
(laughs)
Ah, I think Murph's got
a little crush on you.
What?
Nobody needs seven
pairs of earrings.
And he thinks
you're hilarious.
When, at best,
you're amusing.
You know, he has been
a little flirty with me.
Mm-hmm.
This is so awkward.
I'm... He's not really
my type.
Yeah, he's so handsome and rich,
and rumored
to be a fantastic lover.
You should run, girl.
No. My type is just more...
emotionally evolved.
Mm.
No, he's sensitive,
artistic...
Mm.
...easy to talk to.
Like Felix.
No, I don't.
Ha!
I'm like a cat.
Felix the cat!
Ha, ha! Go fetch, kitty cat!
Boy, Oscar's pretty
intense, huh?
Imagine what he'll
be like if he loses.
You'll never hear
the end of it.
Oh, I don't care.
Okay, let me
rephrase that.
I'll never hear
the end of it.
(in whiny voice):
"Aah, he cheated.
"The sun was in my eyes.
"I was too drunk.
I wasn't drunk enough."
I'm begging you,
let him win.
Never. Why would I do that?
Here's the thing
about Oscar.
He grew up dreaming of
being a great athlete
until we went to high school,
and his coach told him
he had the body
of a sportscaster.
Now he spends his life
surrounded by great athletes.
Always on the sideline,
never on the field.
I didn't know that.
So, be the bigger man
and let him win.
So you're saying,
if I let him win...
Yeah.
...then I am...
the ultimate winner.
Sure. Why not?
Better go.
All right.
42-41. Game point.
Aah!
Yes!
Aah!
I win!
Victory is mine!
I win!
Oh, the despair.
God, that was exhilarating.
Yes, you've mentioned that...
five or six times.
Because you... ♪ Suck! ♪
Okay, off-key, and
the jazz hands were unmotivated.
But you are the winner.
Oh, that's weird.
I must have left the ticker on.
How do you get that up there
so fast?
I have an app.
Well, I'm glad
this means so much to you.
Congratulations
on your win.
Oh, I didn't just win.
I beat you like a dirty rug.
Okay, except nobody cleans rugs
like that anymore
'cause we don't live
on The Waltons.
Don't be a sore loser.
I'm not sore.
In fact, I'm not a loser
at all-- look!
What?!
You didn't let me win.
Yes, I did. I threw the game
because you are such a big baby
when you lose.
I am not!
Face it, Oscar--
I'm the better athlete.
All right, let's
settle this like men.
What does that mean?
Wrestling?!
(laughing):
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I would never stoop to...
the cellist strikes!
Ow! Oh! Oh, my neck!
Aah! Aah!
What happened?
Oh, neck spasm!
Oh, it's traveling
down my spine.
It's in my buttock. Aah!
Quick, massage
my buttock!
I'm not gonna do that.
Okay, then get me to the couch.
Aah! Aah!
What is it?
My back! I threw out my back!
I can't stand up.
Aah. I think we overdid
the exercising.
Yeah.
But you went down first,
which makes me the winner.
Yes!
No!
Pain! White-hot pain!
(laughs)
Oh, it hurts to laugh! Ow.
(both groaning)
(all laughing)
Jessica.
Hey, how are you?
You slept with my friend!
And you know how I know?
You gave her the same earrings
that you gave me
after we slept together.
Uh, is that why you're buying
all that jewelry from Emily?
To give women
a parting gift after sex?
I was trying to be thoughtful.
You know what's thoughtful?
Remembering a teammate's name,
you son of a bitch.
Boy, that little dude
is fired up.
What's his name again?
Here you go.
Ooh. Hold on here.
Just, uh...
Keep the change.
Oh, that's too much.
No. You deserve it.
Murph, we need to talk.
Uh, Emily... Okay.
Look, I really appreciate
the tips and the jewelry-buying,
but I'm just not interested
in you in that way.
What way?
(whispering):
I know about your little crush.
Oh. Okay.
Damn.
I'm sorry.
I hope this doesn't
make things weird between us.
Well, I mean, it might,
but I'll get over it.
Aw.
That was sweet.
You could have just
told her the truth.
Yeah.
So what's her deal, anyway?
She seeing anyone?
Why?
Nobody's ever rejected me
before.
It's kind of hot.
Oh, Murph, come here.
Ow! That hurt.
So, um, what's your deal?
Are you single?
Cobweb.
You're just
seeing that now?
It's been stabbing me in
the heart for two hours.
Can I ask you a question?
Sure.
Was I dreaming,
or did you tell me
that you were born
covered in fur?
It's called "lanugo."
For Halloween, Mom
dressed up as Dorothy
and carried me around
in a wicker basket.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Oh, wow, neck
still hurts.
Serves me right.
That's what I get for trying
to prove I'm one of the guys.
(groaning)
What are you talking about?
(groans) I see the way
you are with your buddies.
I wish I could
be part of that.
The camaraderie,
the bursting of
each other's balls.
It's "busting..."
and so you're not
that kind of guy.
You got your own
crazy stuff going on.
You cook, you do
the crossword puzzle in ink,
you play that big guitar.
Cello.
Cello.
If I knew that stuff,
you think I'd care
about impressing the guys
in some stupid softball game?
Oscar, are you saying
you admire me?
I'm saying I'm glad you're not
afraid to be a cultured weirdo.
No offense.
I'm just bursting your balls.
And I envy how good
you are at being a dude.
Thank you.
And you're welcome to play
on my softball team any time.
You're quite a bunter.
Since we're being honest,
I did not know what bunting was.
I was swinging
as hard as I could.
(knocking on door)
MURPH: Oscar? Felix?
Oh, Murph.
Thank God. Come in!
Oh, God, uh, sorry.
I can...
I can come back.
No! No!
No! No! No!
No! No!
No. We overdid it.
We hurt our backs.
Oh...!
Yeah, it's nothing
to be ashamed of.
You're just super weak.
Murph, you probably hear this
all the time, but...
carry me to the bedroom.
(sighs)
(Murph groans)
So, how about that
game last night?
Which game?
Any game.
It doesn't matter.
Oscar?
Oh, thank God.
My date is here.
Oh. Hi. Am I early?
No, you're right on time.
I just tweaked my back doing
something really masculine.
Actually, why don't you rest up?
We can do this another time.
Bye.
Amy, wait!
Murph, take me to her.
Seriously, Oscar,
I'll call and reschedule.
Take care.
She's not gonna call.
Dude, I'm cradling you
like a baby.
Oh! Oh! My groin! Aah.
Just kidding.
I'm super fit.
(laughing)
Murph?
Lift with your legs,
or you could literally
burst your balls.
Well, Oscar, thank
you for dinner.
My pleasure.
And I know things got
a little tense between us,
but I hope I'm still on the,
you know, mitten list.
That's between you
and Santa Claus.
Ah. Shall we?
Aah. Ooh. Aah.
Ooh.
You okay?
No, my neck.
I don't think I can
make it to a cab.
Murph?
(sighs)
Oh!
It's like a little ball
of muscle.
Buns and abs,
Mondays at 9:00.
Captioning sponsored by
CBS