The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 7 - Secret Agent Man - full transcript
Against Teddy's advice, Felix persuades Oscar to appear on a sports TV show.
Oscar Madison Show,
this is Dani.
Yes, I am as sexy as I sound.
No, I will not describe my feet.
But they are big enough
to kick your ass.
Stay on the line, he'll take
your call when the show starts.
You big freak.
Where's Oscar?
He's still asleep and the
show starts in four minutes.
Ah, I was afraid of that.
We went to the Knicks game
last night.
Won it in double overtime.
Then we went double overtime
at the bar.
Feels like we lost that one.
I already tried to wake him,
but he threw half
a meatball sub at me.
Oh... so he still has
half a sub left?
Oh, damn.
Agent's work is never done.
Rise and shine, champ!
(groans)
All right, let's go.
You're on the air
in three minutes.
(groans)
Ah!
Sleeping in your clothes.
Just like a Navy SEAL.
Good call.
Let's try the other way,
superstar.
(groans)
Oh, you're wearing
pants today.
Thank you.
Okay, let's set you up
right here.
Coffee.
Donut.
(groans)
Another donut.
DANI:
On the air
in three, two...
One!
Good morning,
friends and enemies.
Welcome to
The Oscar Madison Show.
The Knicks won last night
and the Celtics lost,
so all is right in the world.
Although I'm guessing Paulie
from Boston will disagree.
Morning, Paulie.
PAULIE:
You suck, Madison.
And your Knicks
got lucky last night.
Well, you know who else
got lucky last night?
Me.
But such is the charmed life
of a Knicks fan.
How'd you spend your night,
Paulie?
Crying into your
Larry Bird body pillow?
Thanks for waking me up, Teddy.
But I would have
been there on time.
Please, I saved your ass.
Just like I did
last night at the bar
when you challenged
that guy to a dance-off.
Oh, God.
Did I at least win?
A 2:00 a.m. dance-off?
There are no winners.
Oscar. You'll never guess
what happened.
You bought new
tea towels?
They added a
fourth tenor?
I hate that I
know this stuff.
FELIX:
No.
Today I was taking
some publicity photos
for a big TV exec
and I overheard
him talking
about a sports talk show
called The First String.
With Rich Eisen?
I love that show.
Well, they are looking
for a new panelist.
So I just happened to mention
that my roommate is
the famous Oscar Madison.
And after a quick clarification
as to what I meant
by "roommate"...
...they agreed to have you
on as a guest.
Which he said could turn
into a regular gig.
Listen to me.
"Gig."
Wow, that sounds
so cool.
Thanks, Felix.
Yeah, thank you, Felix.
But, uh, we're gonna pass.
Why?
Yes, why?
I will answer you
and not you.
You already have a great job.
You host a national radio show
from your apartment.
If you want,
you could do it naked,
or eating a pizza,
or getting a massage.
If you play
your cards right,
you could do
all three at once.
That is the dream.
But I always thought it
would be fun to do TV.
Ah, TV's fine.
But why water down your brand?
Radio's your home.
But he could
have two homes.
Television could be the giant RV
he drives around the country.
Felix, I'm Oscar's agent.
And I am his platonic roommate.
Which I realize now
I have to say
whenever I mention him.
Look, I'm
just saying,
how could it possibly
hurt to try?
We already have.
He tried that guest
panel thing years ago.
And?
He was great.
But it was a pain in the ass,
remember?
You had to wait around,
wear makeup,
they didn't give you
your donuts...
That's right.
Stupid scones.
They ended up hiring
that pretty boy athlete.
Instead of the pretty
boy radio host.
Stupid Michael
Strahan.
Well, you've never
steered me wrong before.
So I guess you're right,
let's just stick with radio.
My man.
Well, I just think...
And I appreciate your thoughts.
But...
I have guided Oscar's career
for 20 years now
and he's doing just fine.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm late for a meeting
and I have more meatball sub
on my shirt
than I feel is professional.
So you and Teddy have been
together for 20 years?
Yeah, I was his
first client.
Well, first human.
Before me,
he represented mascots.
That's right.
That's how you met, isn't it?
Yeah, I was doing
a radio interview
with one of
his clients,
Barry the
Burlington Beaver.
You know,
I was a mascot myself.
The Roosevelt High Screaming
Eagle, if you can imagine that.
I can.
You in a bird suit,
stuffed in a locker,
waiting for your best friend
the janitor to get you out.
Did I tell you that story?
Well, I am just
glad to see
that you and Teddy
are so happy together.
Yep.
It's always nice
to be comfortable.
Felix, you're doing that thing
where you say stuff
in a cheerful tone,
but I end up
not being able to keep
my Batman lamp
in the living room.
It's just such a fun piece
and it looks fantastic
in the back hallway.
I feel like you
have the chance
to reach a much
larger audience
and Teddy just
dismisses it.
Well, Teddy knows
what he's doing.
Yes, but ultimately
he works for you.
And wouldn't you like
to try something new?
Yes, but I'm already
transitioning
from boxers to boxer-briefs.
My plate is full.
Oscar,
I hate to see you
squander your talent
just because you're
"comfortable."
Okay. You're right.
I'll call Teddy
and let him know.
Ah, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.
You know what?
He might say "no."
What if you just did it and let
him see how wonderful you are?
You're right.
I am wonderful.
Huzzah!
Felix Unger
wants a fist bump?
I do.
Ow!
Here, let me show
you how it's done.
Loosen your hand.
Mm-hmm.
Ah!
(sniffs)
It actually cleared
my sinuses, merci.
Okay, 75 minutes
until Oscar is on the air.
Thank you for your help.
I'm for anything
that gets us
into a real office.
My mom wants to
visit me at my job,
but working out of a single
guy's spare bedroom...
seems a little
sketchy.
(Dani and Emily whoop)
Ladies, ladies, please.
Hold your applause until...
DANI:
Ooh...
...the end.
(laughing)
I told my tailor
to give him the Unger Cut.
But Guillermo has truly
outdone himself.
Gather round, look at the
cross-stitching on that inseam.
Could we not gather
around my inseam?
Oh. You're right,
time is wasting.
Emily, you're in charge
of all unwanted hair.
Great. I will start
with those eyebrows.
When I'm done,
you'll have two.
Ow!
Oscar, I've been working
on some catchphrases.
Why?
I already have a catchphrase.
"That's how it's done
on Madison Avenue."
Uh-huh. 'Cause your last name's
Madison, we get it.
But for TV,
we need to freshen it up.
How about "Check, please!"
"Holy moly stromboli!"
"Oh, yes, I did go there."
You know, I'm going to keep
that one for myself.
Oh, darn.
"Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan."
"A cobbler ain't nothing
but a broken pie."
My-my grandma
used to say that one.
Then she would throw
a shoe at your head.
She got mean towards the end.
Why is my ass so hot?
I'm just spot-steaming.
(laughs)
Every little imperfection
is magnified in high-def.
Okay, now you're
making me nervous.
Oh, no, you're
going to be great.
But we should be going.
Is Teddy meeting you there?
FELIX:
Oh, uh,
no. No. Teddy doesn't know.
He thought it was
a bad idea.
So we are going to give him
the wonderful surprise
of proving him wrong.
Oh, Oscar.
I made you a tie tack
for good luck.
It retails for $65,
in case you wanted
to weave that
into one of your little
sports stories. Okay.
Oh, break a leg!
Ah!
Knock 'em dead.
Look at that handsome devil.
Now give us your biggest smile.
Oh.
Oh...
Uh...
Not that big.
FELIX: Uh...
DANI:
Mm-mm.
Well, that's
just a grimace.
Okay.
Now you just
look angry.
Put your fist up again.
Ah, you won't
fool me tw... Oh!
Let's go.
Wow, those cameras are closer
than I thought they'd be.
And the Unger Cut
is at war with my boxer briefs.
Stop messing with my tie tack!
I'm sorry, the backing fell off.
You know what?
It'll be fine.
Just don't fuss with it.
Sir, we need all
non-talent off the stage.
That is a very aggressive
choice of words.
I have to go.
How do you feel?
I feel okay.
You look like a million bucks.
Fist bump.
Ow!
Why did I let you do that again?
Sir, we need...
All non-talent off of the stage!
Okay, FYI, I am
an accomplished photographer,
I sang a capella in college
and I can make a pair
of tap shoes talk.
I'll go.
Ooh, it's time.
Change the channel.
Ooh.
Hey!
Oh, hey, hey, come on!
Quit crying.
It's soccer, nobody cares.
And our friend Oscar Madison
is going to be on TV.
Wearing a tie tack that I made.
That retails for $65.
As you know, Father's Day
is right around the corner,
so if anyone...
Stop talking!
You stop talking!
Oh, yes, I did go there.
Nailed it.
(both laughing)
Ooh! Okay, the
show is starting.
Everybody quiet!
Welcome to The First String,
your daily dose
of sports and opinion.
I'm your host Rich Eisen.
With me, as always,
is Kenny Smith.
And between us, we've won
two NBA championships.
Which is two more
than Charles Barkley.
Excellent
drive-by, Kenny.
And also joining us today
is the man you're embarrassed
to wake up with in the morning,
satellite radio host
Oscar Madison.
Welcome, Oscar.
Thanks for having me, Rich.
Usually, I talk sports
in my underwear,
but today I put on a suit.
You know, over the underwear.
Ha-ha.
Fun fact.
Don't go anywhere.
We'll discuss all of today's
sports headlines after this.
We're clear.
Back in 30 seconds.
That was great.
Perfect.
Couple of thoughts.
Now, you're on TV,
so you want the composed
hands of a Charlie Rose,
not the frantic hands of
a LaGuardia landing crew.
And remember what we
talked about in the cab.
Smile with your eyes,
not with your teeth.
Please don't be here.
Back in ten. Keep
moving, Ansel Adams.
History's greatest
landscape photographer?
I'll take it.
Then they got that big game
in New York tonight...
Look at you, Oscar!
You're on TV!
My roommate!
My platonic roommate.
What the hell is
going on here?!
Teddy.
Hello, welcome.
What are you doing here?
I came to stop this.
But I see I'm too late.
You did this, didn't you?
It's got your
fingerprints all over it.
First of all,
I don't leave fingerprints.
Second of all,
he wanted to do it.
I just helped him... know that.
Felix!
This is a big mistake.
Oscar's not built
for television.
What are you talking about?
Yesterday you said he was good.
Yes, I lied. I'm an agent!
You should question
everything I say!
I'm surprised you
don't know that.
You're one of the smartest
people I ever met.
Really?
No!
Now, damn it!
Oscar's not gonna be
able to do his job
if he loses his confidence.
Well, I say
we give him a chance.
Because I for one
have faith in him!
So, last week, when you said
you loved my risotto?
I never lie about food.
Please, don't talk
to me about Carmelo
taking too many steps
to the basket.
Does anybody remember
a guy named Michael Jordan?
He traveled so much he...
...got bumped up to first class.
For all his frequent...
traveling.
On a court.
Not on a plane.
Why is he grimacing?
Why is he sitting on his hands?
I may have given him
a few pointers.
Oh, this is even worse
than the last time.
And last time he touched
Pete Rose's thigh.
And no, it did not
make sense in context!
I've been part of sports
for 40 years,
and I've never seen
anything quite so moving.
Beautiful.
Oscar, what do you think?
What do I think?
Well, I-I think a...
cobbler ain't nothing
but a broken pie.
What does that mean?
I was talking about a man
who rebuilt his life
after being paralyzed.
Are you calling
a paralyzed person a broken pie?
Of course not. I just...
Holy moly stromboli!
What's going on?
Did Dan Patrick
put you up to this?
Teddy, can't we just
get him out of there?
It's live TV,
you meddling nerd.
With about 12 minutes to go,
there's an odd-man rush
up the ice.
(coughing)
As you could see here...
Oh, good. Now he's choking.
Instead of a shot on goal,
what ends up...
What happened?
There's a chance he may have
punctured himself
with a tie tack.
It's truly
something remarkable...
Oh, that's not good.
Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan.
Is that your tie tack?
You can't prove that.
That's our program for today.
I want to thank
my guests Kenny Smith
and Oscar Madison.
You okay there, buddy?
Yep, you really left
some blood out there
on the court.
Don't make him laugh, Kenny.
It'll reopen the wound.
Oh, that'll wrap it up.
Thanks for watching
today's show.
We'll see you tomorrow.
WOMAN:
That's clear!
Hey, there he is.
(whoops)
Was I just bleeding
on national television?
Technically no.
A lot of the affiliates
switched over to senior bowling.
Teddy.
How long have you been here?
Long enough!
Okay, go ahead and say it.
What? That I told you
not to do this?
That you just ignored my advice
and ended up
in this train wreck?
You know, if I could
just get in there
with some club soda, I could...
This is why I didn't
want you on TV.
I was protecting you.
I'm an adult!
I don't need your protection!
Says the man with a chest
wound from his own jewelry.
Just want to get it
before it gets to the suit,
because merino wool is
such a thirsty fabric.
And I certainly
don't need a lecture.
Oh, I think you do.
You need to show me
some respect, Oscar.
I made you!
I found you doing play-by-play
for the Burlington Beavers
on W-who-gives-a-crap!
And that Beaver was
your only client.
Some idiot running around
in a moth-eaten suit.
Hey, let's not pick on mascots.
Some call them
the hardest working people
in sports.
Okay, so if you're
not gonna take my advice,
then I guess
you don't need me anymore.
Have fun humiliating yourself!
I will!
Oscar, I am so sorry.
I know this did not
work out as planned.
But I promise you...
I can get that out
with vinegar and borax.
Wow, that clip of Oscar
bleeding just keeps trending.
I know.
He just passed the video of
the Shar Pei on the trampoline.
Aw, that little guy's
having such a good time.
What are you guys watching?
Porn.
Yup. Turns out we both like
something with a little story.
Am I still trending?
Oscar, I am so sorry.
No, it was my decision.
Have you spoken to Teddy?
Nope.
Are you going to?
Nope.
Do you think that maybe...?
Nope.
If he wants to talk to me,
he knows where to find me.
Oh, by the way,
I have an extra ticket
to tonight's Knicks game
if you want to go with me.
Me? Sure!
Sounds like a hoot.
A couple of fellows
cheering on the Knickerbockers.
I'll just drink a lot.
Did you hear that?
Very disturbing.
I know. You call them the
Knickerbockers tonight,
you can get stabbed
dead in the men's room.
No, no. He always takes
Teddy to the Knicks games.
I can't believe it, I've caused
a rift in a 20-year friendship.
I have never seen them this mad.
The good news is now
that I've exposed the cracks
in the foundation
of the friendship,
I can fix them.
No, no, no. No, no.
You need to stay out of this.
Just give them time.
Yes.
Exactly what they need-- time!
And a little nudge
from their friend Felix.
No. No nudge.
Your meddling is what
got them into this.
Exactly!
And only more meddling
can get them out!
I'm just gonna drink a lot.
(knocking)
Well, here I am.
Yes, you are.
Aren't you gonna invite me in?
I guess.
"I guess"?
Is that the way
you start an apology?
"Apology"?
What are you talking about?
I got your text.
I didn't send you a text.
FELIX (muffled):
I did.
It was I.
Felix?
FELIX:
20 years ago,
a mascot brought
two good friends together.
And so it shall be again.
Ca-caw!
Whoa!
What's that?!
Oh, my good God!
It's my old Screaming Eagle head
from high school.
I thought it would be weird
to wear the whole thing.
Yeah, that would've been silly.
What is a mascot?
A kid with no friends?
A failed gymnast?
A virgin?
That's right-- a hero.
Who lifts spirits and brings
people together
in times of crisis.
When it's the fourth quarter,
and you're down
ten sports points.
This is why mascots don't speak.
Oscar, Teddy,
your friendship is losing
in the fourth quarter.
There are issues
that you need to work on.
But I know
that you can get through it,
if you treat each other
with a little...
C! O!
M! P...
What are you trying to spell?
Compassion and understanding!
A! S!
Oh, hey, cool, you want
to fly me around!
Cool. The girls used
to do that, too.
Thank... Hey!
Hey, guys, wait!
Actually...
Hey! Hey! Not cool!
Not cool at all.
Although I'm glad to see
you working as a team.
Can you believe this guy?
He's the reason
we're fighting so much.
Yeah. Well, that's
not completely true.
He's the one who wanted me
to go on the show.
But I'm the one who did it.
Well, if I had been
straight with you
and told you the
truth years ago,
maybe you would've
listened to me.
Hey, guys? I-I can't
get the head off!
It's stuck!
OSCAR:
You were just being
a good agent.
And a good friend.
Hey-hey, guys?
It's really stuck.
I forgot that my mom
used to butter my ears!
I just wanted
what was best for you.
And you gave me that.
I've got the best job
in the world thanks to you.
No, I've got the best job
in the world thanks to you.
Hey, guys? I can't see anything
and I'm starting to panic!
If you put stickers on the
window, the birds won't do that.
Come on, little birdy.
Come on.
Let's get you in your nest.
Come on.
That's it.
Tweet tweet.
You want to go
to the Knicks game with me?
Yeah, I'd love it.
All right, you hold, I pull.
I've got a lot of
mascot experience.
How long was I in the locker?
Are we still winning?
Eagle power! Caw!
And we're out of time.
I want to thank
my guests Rich Eisen
and Kenny Smith
for doing my show.
Hey, I owe you. That, uh,
gaping chest wound of yours
was a real ratings grabber.
So, you'll have me back, then?
No.
Thanks for listening
to The Oscar Madison Show.
Hey, Oscar, that was fun.
Yeah, it was a real treat...
seeing the inside
of your spare bedroom.
Well, we may not have
a big TV budget,
but it does have its advantages.
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
this is Dani.
Yes, I am as sexy as I sound.
No, I will not describe my feet.
But they are big enough
to kick your ass.
Stay on the line, he'll take
your call when the show starts.
You big freak.
Where's Oscar?
He's still asleep and the
show starts in four minutes.
Ah, I was afraid of that.
We went to the Knicks game
last night.
Won it in double overtime.
Then we went double overtime
at the bar.
Feels like we lost that one.
I already tried to wake him,
but he threw half
a meatball sub at me.
Oh... so he still has
half a sub left?
Oh, damn.
Agent's work is never done.
Rise and shine, champ!
(groans)
All right, let's go.
You're on the air
in three minutes.
(groans)
Ah!
Sleeping in your clothes.
Just like a Navy SEAL.
Good call.
Let's try the other way,
superstar.
(groans)
Oh, you're wearing
pants today.
Thank you.
Okay, let's set you up
right here.
Coffee.
Donut.
(groans)
Another donut.
DANI:
On the air
in three, two...
One!
Good morning,
friends and enemies.
Welcome to
The Oscar Madison Show.
The Knicks won last night
and the Celtics lost,
so all is right in the world.
Although I'm guessing Paulie
from Boston will disagree.
Morning, Paulie.
PAULIE:
You suck, Madison.
And your Knicks
got lucky last night.
Well, you know who else
got lucky last night?
Me.
But such is the charmed life
of a Knicks fan.
How'd you spend your night,
Paulie?
Crying into your
Larry Bird body pillow?
Thanks for waking me up, Teddy.
But I would have
been there on time.
Please, I saved your ass.
Just like I did
last night at the bar
when you challenged
that guy to a dance-off.
Oh, God.
Did I at least win?
A 2:00 a.m. dance-off?
There are no winners.
Oscar. You'll never guess
what happened.
You bought new
tea towels?
They added a
fourth tenor?
I hate that I
know this stuff.
FELIX:
No.
Today I was taking
some publicity photos
for a big TV exec
and I overheard
him talking
about a sports talk show
called The First String.
With Rich Eisen?
I love that show.
Well, they are looking
for a new panelist.
So I just happened to mention
that my roommate is
the famous Oscar Madison.
And after a quick clarification
as to what I meant
by "roommate"...
...they agreed to have you
on as a guest.
Which he said could turn
into a regular gig.
Listen to me.
"Gig."
Wow, that sounds
so cool.
Thanks, Felix.
Yeah, thank you, Felix.
But, uh, we're gonna pass.
Why?
Yes, why?
I will answer you
and not you.
You already have a great job.
You host a national radio show
from your apartment.
If you want,
you could do it naked,
or eating a pizza,
or getting a massage.
If you play
your cards right,
you could do
all three at once.
That is the dream.
But I always thought it
would be fun to do TV.
Ah, TV's fine.
But why water down your brand?
Radio's your home.
But he could
have two homes.
Television could be the giant RV
he drives around the country.
Felix, I'm Oscar's agent.
And I am his platonic roommate.
Which I realize now
I have to say
whenever I mention him.
Look, I'm
just saying,
how could it possibly
hurt to try?
We already have.
He tried that guest
panel thing years ago.
And?
He was great.
But it was a pain in the ass,
remember?
You had to wait around,
wear makeup,
they didn't give you
your donuts...
That's right.
Stupid scones.
They ended up hiring
that pretty boy athlete.
Instead of the pretty
boy radio host.
Stupid Michael
Strahan.
Well, you've never
steered me wrong before.
So I guess you're right,
let's just stick with radio.
My man.
Well, I just think...
And I appreciate your thoughts.
But...
I have guided Oscar's career
for 20 years now
and he's doing just fine.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm late for a meeting
and I have more meatball sub
on my shirt
than I feel is professional.
So you and Teddy have been
together for 20 years?
Yeah, I was his
first client.
Well, first human.
Before me,
he represented mascots.
That's right.
That's how you met, isn't it?
Yeah, I was doing
a radio interview
with one of
his clients,
Barry the
Burlington Beaver.
You know,
I was a mascot myself.
The Roosevelt High Screaming
Eagle, if you can imagine that.
I can.
You in a bird suit,
stuffed in a locker,
waiting for your best friend
the janitor to get you out.
Did I tell you that story?
Well, I am just
glad to see
that you and Teddy
are so happy together.
Yep.
It's always nice
to be comfortable.
Felix, you're doing that thing
where you say stuff
in a cheerful tone,
but I end up
not being able to keep
my Batman lamp
in the living room.
It's just such a fun piece
and it looks fantastic
in the back hallway.
I feel like you
have the chance
to reach a much
larger audience
and Teddy just
dismisses it.
Well, Teddy knows
what he's doing.
Yes, but ultimately
he works for you.
And wouldn't you like
to try something new?
Yes, but I'm already
transitioning
from boxers to boxer-briefs.
My plate is full.
Oscar,
I hate to see you
squander your talent
just because you're
"comfortable."
Okay. You're right.
I'll call Teddy
and let him know.
Ah, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.
You know what?
He might say "no."
What if you just did it and let
him see how wonderful you are?
You're right.
I am wonderful.
Huzzah!
Felix Unger
wants a fist bump?
I do.
Ow!
Here, let me show
you how it's done.
Loosen your hand.
Mm-hmm.
Ah!
(sniffs)
It actually cleared
my sinuses, merci.
Okay, 75 minutes
until Oscar is on the air.
Thank you for your help.
I'm for anything
that gets us
into a real office.
My mom wants to
visit me at my job,
but working out of a single
guy's spare bedroom...
seems a little
sketchy.
(Dani and Emily whoop)
Ladies, ladies, please.
Hold your applause until...
DANI:
Ooh...
...the end.
(laughing)
I told my tailor
to give him the Unger Cut.
But Guillermo has truly
outdone himself.
Gather round, look at the
cross-stitching on that inseam.
Could we not gather
around my inseam?
Oh. You're right,
time is wasting.
Emily, you're in charge
of all unwanted hair.
Great. I will start
with those eyebrows.
When I'm done,
you'll have two.
Ow!
Oscar, I've been working
on some catchphrases.
Why?
I already have a catchphrase.
"That's how it's done
on Madison Avenue."
Uh-huh. 'Cause your last name's
Madison, we get it.
But for TV,
we need to freshen it up.
How about "Check, please!"
"Holy moly stromboli!"
"Oh, yes, I did go there."
You know, I'm going to keep
that one for myself.
Oh, darn.
"Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan."
"A cobbler ain't nothing
but a broken pie."
My-my grandma
used to say that one.
Then she would throw
a shoe at your head.
She got mean towards the end.
Why is my ass so hot?
I'm just spot-steaming.
(laughs)
Every little imperfection
is magnified in high-def.
Okay, now you're
making me nervous.
Oh, no, you're
going to be great.
But we should be going.
Is Teddy meeting you there?
FELIX:
Oh, uh,
no. No. Teddy doesn't know.
He thought it was
a bad idea.
So we are going to give him
the wonderful surprise
of proving him wrong.
Oh, Oscar.
I made you a tie tack
for good luck.
It retails for $65,
in case you wanted
to weave that
into one of your little
sports stories. Okay.
Oh, break a leg!
Ah!
Knock 'em dead.
Look at that handsome devil.
Now give us your biggest smile.
Oh.
Oh...
Uh...
Not that big.
FELIX: Uh...
DANI:
Mm-mm.
Well, that's
just a grimace.
Okay.
Now you just
look angry.
Put your fist up again.
Ah, you won't
fool me tw... Oh!
Let's go.
Wow, those cameras are closer
than I thought they'd be.
And the Unger Cut
is at war with my boxer briefs.
Stop messing with my tie tack!
I'm sorry, the backing fell off.
You know what?
It'll be fine.
Just don't fuss with it.
Sir, we need all
non-talent off the stage.
That is a very aggressive
choice of words.
I have to go.
How do you feel?
I feel okay.
You look like a million bucks.
Fist bump.
Ow!
Why did I let you do that again?
Sir, we need...
All non-talent off of the stage!
Okay, FYI, I am
an accomplished photographer,
I sang a capella in college
and I can make a pair
of tap shoes talk.
I'll go.
Ooh, it's time.
Change the channel.
Ooh.
Hey!
Oh, hey, hey, come on!
Quit crying.
It's soccer, nobody cares.
And our friend Oscar Madison
is going to be on TV.
Wearing a tie tack that I made.
That retails for $65.
As you know, Father's Day
is right around the corner,
so if anyone...
Stop talking!
You stop talking!
Oh, yes, I did go there.
Nailed it.
(both laughing)
Ooh! Okay, the
show is starting.
Everybody quiet!
Welcome to The First String,
your daily dose
of sports and opinion.
I'm your host Rich Eisen.
With me, as always,
is Kenny Smith.
And between us, we've won
two NBA championships.
Which is two more
than Charles Barkley.
Excellent
drive-by, Kenny.
And also joining us today
is the man you're embarrassed
to wake up with in the morning,
satellite radio host
Oscar Madison.
Welcome, Oscar.
Thanks for having me, Rich.
Usually, I talk sports
in my underwear,
but today I put on a suit.
You know, over the underwear.
Ha-ha.
Fun fact.
Don't go anywhere.
We'll discuss all of today's
sports headlines after this.
We're clear.
Back in 30 seconds.
That was great.
Perfect.
Couple of thoughts.
Now, you're on TV,
so you want the composed
hands of a Charlie Rose,
not the frantic hands of
a LaGuardia landing crew.
And remember what we
talked about in the cab.
Smile with your eyes,
not with your teeth.
Please don't be here.
Back in ten. Keep
moving, Ansel Adams.
History's greatest
landscape photographer?
I'll take it.
Then they got that big game
in New York tonight...
Look at you, Oscar!
You're on TV!
My roommate!
My platonic roommate.
What the hell is
going on here?!
Teddy.
Hello, welcome.
What are you doing here?
I came to stop this.
But I see I'm too late.
You did this, didn't you?
It's got your
fingerprints all over it.
First of all,
I don't leave fingerprints.
Second of all,
he wanted to do it.
I just helped him... know that.
Felix!
This is a big mistake.
Oscar's not built
for television.
What are you talking about?
Yesterday you said he was good.
Yes, I lied. I'm an agent!
You should question
everything I say!
I'm surprised you
don't know that.
You're one of the smartest
people I ever met.
Really?
No!
Now, damn it!
Oscar's not gonna be
able to do his job
if he loses his confidence.
Well, I say
we give him a chance.
Because I for one
have faith in him!
So, last week, when you said
you loved my risotto?
I never lie about food.
Please, don't talk
to me about Carmelo
taking too many steps
to the basket.
Does anybody remember
a guy named Michael Jordan?
He traveled so much he...
...got bumped up to first class.
For all his frequent...
traveling.
On a court.
Not on a plane.
Why is he grimacing?
Why is he sitting on his hands?
I may have given him
a few pointers.
Oh, this is even worse
than the last time.
And last time he touched
Pete Rose's thigh.
And no, it did not
make sense in context!
I've been part of sports
for 40 years,
and I've never seen
anything quite so moving.
Beautiful.
Oscar, what do you think?
What do I think?
Well, I-I think a...
cobbler ain't nothing
but a broken pie.
What does that mean?
I was talking about a man
who rebuilt his life
after being paralyzed.
Are you calling
a paralyzed person a broken pie?
Of course not. I just...
Holy moly stromboli!
What's going on?
Did Dan Patrick
put you up to this?
Teddy, can't we just
get him out of there?
It's live TV,
you meddling nerd.
With about 12 minutes to go,
there's an odd-man rush
up the ice.
(coughing)
As you could see here...
Oh, good. Now he's choking.
Instead of a shot on goal,
what ends up...
What happened?
There's a chance he may have
punctured himself
with a tie tack.
It's truly
something remarkable...
Oh, that's not good.
Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan.
Is that your tie tack?
You can't prove that.
That's our program for today.
I want to thank
my guests Kenny Smith
and Oscar Madison.
You okay there, buddy?
Yep, you really left
some blood out there
on the court.
Don't make him laugh, Kenny.
It'll reopen the wound.
Oh, that'll wrap it up.
Thanks for watching
today's show.
We'll see you tomorrow.
WOMAN:
That's clear!
Hey, there he is.
(whoops)
Was I just bleeding
on national television?
Technically no.
A lot of the affiliates
switched over to senior bowling.
Teddy.
How long have you been here?
Long enough!
Okay, go ahead and say it.
What? That I told you
not to do this?
That you just ignored my advice
and ended up
in this train wreck?
You know, if I could
just get in there
with some club soda, I could...
This is why I didn't
want you on TV.
I was protecting you.
I'm an adult!
I don't need your protection!
Says the man with a chest
wound from his own jewelry.
Just want to get it
before it gets to the suit,
because merino wool is
such a thirsty fabric.
And I certainly
don't need a lecture.
Oh, I think you do.
You need to show me
some respect, Oscar.
I made you!
I found you doing play-by-play
for the Burlington Beavers
on W-who-gives-a-crap!
And that Beaver was
your only client.
Some idiot running around
in a moth-eaten suit.
Hey, let's not pick on mascots.
Some call them
the hardest working people
in sports.
Okay, so if you're
not gonna take my advice,
then I guess
you don't need me anymore.
Have fun humiliating yourself!
I will!
Oscar, I am so sorry.
I know this did not
work out as planned.
But I promise you...
I can get that out
with vinegar and borax.
Wow, that clip of Oscar
bleeding just keeps trending.
I know.
He just passed the video of
the Shar Pei on the trampoline.
Aw, that little guy's
having such a good time.
What are you guys watching?
Porn.
Yup. Turns out we both like
something with a little story.
Am I still trending?
Oscar, I am so sorry.
No, it was my decision.
Have you spoken to Teddy?
Nope.
Are you going to?
Nope.
Do you think that maybe...?
Nope.
If he wants to talk to me,
he knows where to find me.
Oh, by the way,
I have an extra ticket
to tonight's Knicks game
if you want to go with me.
Me? Sure!
Sounds like a hoot.
A couple of fellows
cheering on the Knickerbockers.
I'll just drink a lot.
Did you hear that?
Very disturbing.
I know. You call them the
Knickerbockers tonight,
you can get stabbed
dead in the men's room.
No, no. He always takes
Teddy to the Knicks games.
I can't believe it, I've caused
a rift in a 20-year friendship.
I have never seen them this mad.
The good news is now
that I've exposed the cracks
in the foundation
of the friendship,
I can fix them.
No, no, no. No, no.
You need to stay out of this.
Just give them time.
Yes.
Exactly what they need-- time!
And a little nudge
from their friend Felix.
No. No nudge.
Your meddling is what
got them into this.
Exactly!
And only more meddling
can get them out!
I'm just gonna drink a lot.
(knocking)
Well, here I am.
Yes, you are.
Aren't you gonna invite me in?
I guess.
"I guess"?
Is that the way
you start an apology?
"Apology"?
What are you talking about?
I got your text.
I didn't send you a text.
FELIX (muffled):
I did.
It was I.
Felix?
FELIX:
20 years ago,
a mascot brought
two good friends together.
And so it shall be again.
Ca-caw!
Whoa!
What's that?!
Oh, my good God!
It's my old Screaming Eagle head
from high school.
I thought it would be weird
to wear the whole thing.
Yeah, that would've been silly.
What is a mascot?
A kid with no friends?
A failed gymnast?
A virgin?
That's right-- a hero.
Who lifts spirits and brings
people together
in times of crisis.
When it's the fourth quarter,
and you're down
ten sports points.
This is why mascots don't speak.
Oscar, Teddy,
your friendship is losing
in the fourth quarter.
There are issues
that you need to work on.
But I know
that you can get through it,
if you treat each other
with a little...
C! O!
M! P...
What are you trying to spell?
Compassion and understanding!
A! S!
Oh, hey, cool, you want
to fly me around!
Cool. The girls used
to do that, too.
Thank... Hey!
Hey, guys, wait!
Actually...
Hey! Hey! Not cool!
Not cool at all.
Although I'm glad to see
you working as a team.
Can you believe this guy?
He's the reason
we're fighting so much.
Yeah. Well, that's
not completely true.
He's the one who wanted me
to go on the show.
But I'm the one who did it.
Well, if I had been
straight with you
and told you the
truth years ago,
maybe you would've
listened to me.
Hey, guys? I-I can't
get the head off!
It's stuck!
OSCAR:
You were just being
a good agent.
And a good friend.
Hey-hey, guys?
It's really stuck.
I forgot that my mom
used to butter my ears!
I just wanted
what was best for you.
And you gave me that.
I've got the best job
in the world thanks to you.
No, I've got the best job
in the world thanks to you.
Hey, guys? I can't see anything
and I'm starting to panic!
If you put stickers on the
window, the birds won't do that.
Come on, little birdy.
Come on.
Let's get you in your nest.
Come on.
That's it.
Tweet tweet.
You want to go
to the Knicks game with me?
Yeah, I'd love it.
All right, you hold, I pull.
I've got a lot of
mascot experience.
How long was I in the locker?
Are we still winning?
Eagle power! Caw!
And we're out of time.
I want to thank
my guests Rich Eisen
and Kenny Smith
for doing my show.
Hey, I owe you. That, uh,
gaping chest wound of yours
was a real ratings grabber.
So, you'll have me back, then?
No.
Thanks for listening
to The Oscar Madison Show.
Hey, Oscar, that was fun.
Yeah, it was a real treat...
seeing the inside
of your spare bedroom.
Well, we may not have
a big TV budget,
but it does have its advantages.
Captioning sponsored by
CBS