The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 6 - Heal Thyself - full transcript
When Oscar is sick Felix takes him to his doctor. The doctor is a woman and they hit it off and go out. Felix is worried that when things don't work out with them, she won't be his doctor. Oscar tells him that won't happen. But when Felix thinks he has some weird disease Oscar thinks his paranoia is in overdrive till the doctor says the disease is real and that she treated someone with it Oscar gets antsy about touching her.
(knocking on door)
Oh, wonder who's gonna get it.
The overworked assistant
who's building your new chair,
or the pretty princess boss
who won't get off his lazy ass.
Hey, guys.
He can't hear you.
There's something
going on with his hearing.
Isn't that right,
Lazy Ass?
Ooh, fun. Let me try.
I haven't listened
to your show in three weeks.
Hey, Teddy.
Did you listen
to my show today?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Yeah, wh-when you said
that thing to that guy?
That-that was classic.
I know. Right?
Yeah.
Come on. Let's, uh...
Let's go over your schedule
for next week.
Great.
I'd love to.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa...
Oscar, are you okay?
No, I just got a little dizzy.
What's going on? First your
hearing, and now this.
It think it's just a cold.
Whatever you do,
don't tell Felix I'm sick.
Oscar,
you're sick?
Wow, he just appears
out of nowhere. Amazing.
Yeah, it's not so nice
when you're in the shower.
Oscar, when was the last time
you saw a doctor?
Well, let's see.
It's Thursday, right?
So, uh, 1998.
Look, Oscar, you have to
take your health seriously.
What are your symptoms?
I'm not playing this game.
He's having trouble with his
hearing, and just now,
he got dizzy.
Hmm. Let's see.
Could be an ear infection...
or a tear in the tympanic
membrane, or Meniere's disease.
That's just off the top
of my head.
Ooh, top of my head--
could be a brain tumor.
Would you please stop?
Felix, how do you know
these things?
Oh, it's my hobby.
Some people crochet,
I read medical journals.
I also crochet.
Any other symptoms
I should know about?
Yes. I've got a huge pain
in my ass.
Chortle, chortle, chortle.
Yes...
laughter is the best medicine,
they say.
Unless, of course,
you have a brain tumor!
Would you stop?
There's nothing wrong with me.
Oscar, I need you healthy.
You're 20% of my income.
And a dear, dear friend.
You can see my doctor--
Sharon McManus.
She's the best in New York.
I am not going to a doctor.
There's nothing wrong.
I'll just take some vitamins.
Dani, get me two Wilmas.
What's wrong, Oscar?
Are you afraid of doctors?
Or are you afraid
of what they'll find?
They're not gonna find anything.
They're just gonna nag me about
my diet and lack of exercise,
and I already have you for that.
Oscar, we care
about you.
I'm going to text Dr. McManus
and tell her
that you will take my standing
2:30 Friday appointment.
Thanks to you,
I have to take care of myself.
You are getting
on my last nerve.
It's like working
for a grumpy five-year-old.
This is my good ear.
I know.
ALL:
Felix!
Hello, everyone.
Frank, love the haircut.
Annie, I tried that three-bean
chili recipe of yours.
Muy caliente.
(laughing)
(all gasping)
What? What did I do?
You're sitting in my chair.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't see the plaque.
Not your fault.
It's back here.
What are you even
doing here?
Well, if Dr.
McManus sees
that we're friends, she'll give
you the best possible treatment.
Now then, I took the liberty of
starting your intake paperwork.
(whispering):
But I was not comfortable
filling out all of
the sexual history.
But you weren't afraid
to sketch the mole on my back.
Not a sketch.
More of a rubbing.
You are a deep sleeper.
(laughs)
Not anymore.
Oscar Madison.
Ah. Marilyn,
take good care of him.
Give him room C.
It's got a little bit
of sports history.
One of the Globetrotters
died in there.
How is it?
Everything okay?
Oh, fine.
I knew it.
My dumb roommate thinks
I'm dying of a brain tumor,
because I smoke cigars
and don't exercise.
I'm sorry. I'm a little winded.
That was a really long sentence.
It's okay, sir. I'm sure there's
nothing to be nervous about.
I'm not nervous.
You're the one who's nervous.
Nervous Mervous.
That's not a name.
Oh, my God, I'm having a stroke.
I'm going to be
the second most-famous person
who died in here.
Look who I found.
Dr. Sharon McManus,
this is my good friend Oscar.
Hello.
Good to meet you.
What brings you in today?
Oscar Madison,
43, white male.
Patient complains
of vertigo,
auditory problems
in the right ear.
Marilyn,
has Felix seen the new
blood pressure machine yet?
Hmm?
(gasps)
The T-200 is here?
How did I not know
about that?
Marilyn, am I off
the group e-mails?
Have a seat.
Okay.
So, when did you start
feeling dizzy?
It started Tuesday
during the Knicks game.
Oh, I saw that game.
Made me sick, too.
I know.
Carmelo's killing us, right?
Seriously.
Okay, let's take a look...
okay?
Oh, there we go.
I think I see the problem.
We're calling it
a problem now?
(laughing):
Okay, hold still.
You'll feel a little pressure.
Arr, arr. Arr, arr,
arr, arr, arr.
(laughs)
Better?
Oh, so much better!
All right.
I'm not dizzy.
And the sounds are so crisp,
and the colors...
No, the colors
are pretty much the same.
Oh, it's just a little blockage;
nothing to worry about.
Blood pressure's
down seven points.
Thanks, Norwegian fish oil!
Can you plug up my ear again?
You know, I shouldn't complain,
because his visits paid
for my bathroom remodel,
but, yes, Felix can be a bit
of a hypochondriac.
I believe the technical term is
"whack job."
(laughs)
Must be tough
being his roommate.
Yeah, some days,
but then, other days, like this,
he introduces me to a beautiful,
sophisticated lady doctor.
Just doctor.
The "lady" is silent.
Sorry. I'm a little off my game.
Can I try this again
with my pants on?
Okay, Annie, you're
a Pisces, right?
Mm-hmm.
"The month ahead brings
exciting opportunities.
Don't be afraid
to try new things."
Like dinner for two on your
birthday next Tuesday night!
Felix, you remembered!
Come on, you can tell me.
Who died? Meadowlark? Curly?
The guy who used
to dunk with his feet?
Oscar.
There you are.
Everything all right?
Great. She's an angel
of mercy.
I'll see you Tuesday
at 7:00.
Looking forward to it.
7:00 p.m.?
I'm confused.
Have the office
hours changed?
I'm taking her
to a Knicks game.
You mean like a date?
Oscar, you cannot
date my doctor!
Why not?
Because it will
end disastrously.
It always does with you.
In my defense,
I do a lot of volume.
She'll be furious,
she'll blame me,
and I will lose the
best doctor in New York.
So, go to another doctor!
No, I can't.
Dr. McManus is the last top-tier
doctor that will see me.
Apparently, I'm on
some sort of list.
Oh, Dani,
you're still here.
It's taken me three days to put
this damn chair together,
but I think I got it.
Looks a little bit low.
It's adjustable.
Oh!
Well, at least
he won't fall off.
You know what?
He deserves it.
You're still mad
that he's dating your doctor?
Yes.
They're on date three,
so it's only a matter of time
before they break up,
she'll be furious with me,
and just when I need her
at the top of her game.
Why is that?
Oh, I think I'm coming
down with something.
I was scrubbing the kitchen sink
all afternoon,
and now my fingers are numb.
Were you using that illegal
Chinese cleaning powder again?
It's not illegal in China.
And it didn't kill those
children who made it.
Still no feeling.
I'm starting to get concerned.
Well, I'm off the clock.
I'll be interested again
on Monday.
Dani, this is Sharon.
Hi.
Hi.
I see you
finished the chair.
Took you long enough.
Yeah, you should try it out.
It's adjustable.
Just push that lever.
So, what are you two up to?
Oh, Sharon's taking me to
a nice place for dinner,
so I figured I'd get
my fancy jacket.
Ooh. The one without
the mustard stain.
Bingo.
So, Felix, how are you?
I'm fine.
Actually, that
was a pleasantry.
I may not be
fine at all.
How much do you know
about a cleaning product
called "Happy Rainbow Best
Cleantime Dirt Remover?"
Felix, I'm on a date.
Uh-huh.
Can this please wait
until Friday?
You tell me.
I've got a numbness
in my finger, and then,
I've been hearing this
annoying sound all day,
like a high-pitched
whining.
Yeah.
Funny, we hear it, too.
Sharon, why don't you
come outside
and see the view
from the terrace?
I would love to.
Okay.
Wow. It's so beautiful.
I was just thinking
the same thing.
You know, I still can't believe
you're going out with me.
I mean, you could have
your pick of any guy,
and I'm a little bit older,
and you're probably
a lot smarter,
and feel free to stop me
at any point.
(laughs)
Well, maybe this will
make you feel more secure.
Sorry to interrupt, but...
the numbness has traveled
to my knuckle,
and at this rate, it will reach
my heart in 36 hours, so...
Ironically, you figured
that out, when you're actually
gonna die
by being thrown off a terrace.
I know you don't care
that I'm sick,
but Dr. McManus swore an oath,
and I'm sure
she won't mind a quick exam.
Okay, Felix,
I think you're
overreacting,
and I don't have my
instruments, so...
I've got my own.
Of course you do.
Be right back.
Come on, let's make
a run for it.
I can't take it anymore.
It's bad enough
when we're at the office,
but now that we're dating,
I'll never be away from him.
I think I have
to drop him as a patient.
Oh, no, you can't.
It'll break his heart.
I'm sure he's got a cardiologist
on speed-dial.
Oh, come on.
He's not really that bad.
FELIX:
Do you have a preferred
brand of tongue depressor?
I've got three options.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, please.
Oh, God.
Oh, wait. My coat.
I'll buy you a new one.
(laughs)
Done. Who wants
to test it?
Oh, why don't you?
Because I haven't
had children yet.
But you know what? It's a chair.
It looks
like the picture on the box.
I'm just gonna put it
in Oscar's room
and get on with my life.
(metallic clink)
Oh, I think a
piece fell.
You shut your mouth.
Why are you guys still here?
I promised Sharon we'd have
the place to ourselves,
and I think tonight's
gonna be the night.
Didn't you see the sock
on my doorknob?
Oh, great, everybody's here.
I can fix that.
And we're going to a movie, but
it doesn't start for an hour,
which gave somebody time to
surf the Web for medical advice.
Why can't you be addicted
to porn like everybody else?
Well, if it's
any consolation,
I may not be bothering
you much longer.
Why, are you moving?
Perhaps. To Heaven.
When I die.
Felix, you're
being ridiculous.
Oh, really? Does this
sound ridiculous?
I am riddled with SNeRD.
(laughs)
It's a real thing.
Slovakian
Neuro-Respiratory Disorder--
or SNeRD.
SNeRD.
I love that you
find it so funny.
Perhaps you would
like to share a chuckle
with patient zero,
aka Alojz Prochazka.
Oh, why are you showing me that?
That's a horrible way
to die, isn't it?
But how could you
have caught it?
Have you ever been to Slovakia?
No, but I had a very
suspicious pierogi for lunch.
It says right there--
your chances
of getting it are
one in a million.
Okay. Well, your chances
of winning the lottery are
one in 100 million, and yet
you buy a ticket every week.
Well, that's because
I have a gambling problem.
Here's another person
who gambled and lost--
Viktor Ciernik.
Ew!
Ugh!
Don't show me that!
I don't want that
picture in my head.
You cannot ignore this.
This is real.
I ignore plenty
of stuff that's real.
Taxes, people who have
fallen in the street.
When Dr. McManus gets here,
I'm gonna tell her my symptoms.
I've got a headache, erratic
pulse, and now look at this.
Look at that rash.
No, do not mention the rash.
Don't even show her the rash.
Why not?
Because if she thinks
you're an insane hypochondriac,
she'll dump you as a patient.
(dramatic gasp)
How do you know that?
She told me last night.
Damn it!
I knew if you started
dating my doctor,
something terrible would happen.
Don't blame me.
And listen,
when Sharon gets here,
just act normal.
Don't grill her about
your imaginary ailments.
Oh, so now it's imaginary?
Well, you know who else
must have
a fanciful imagination?
Imbriska Nedved.
Oh, that's disgusting.
Mm-hmm.
Which reminds me,
I better go clean my room
before Sharon gets here.
He's right, you know.
You do build things
up in your head.
I have been known
to make a mountain
out of an irregular
mole hill.
You know, Felix,
when I was a kid,
my grandmother told
me about polio,
and as soon as she did, I was
convinced that I had it.
But polio's been gone
since the '50s.
I was a kid, I didn't
know any better.
I actually had
nightmares about it.
Well, that's terrible.
Yeah, I wasted a whole
summer worrying.
I will never get
that summer back.
So you're saying...
You are wasting
your summer.
How did you stop
worrying about polio?
I learned about dinosaurs and
started worrying about them.
But dinosaurs
have been gone since...
I was a kid.
No...
no, you're right, I-I wish
I could stop this obsession.
You know, we're all gonna
die at some point, right?
It's like the poet says,
"Do not send to know
for whom the bell tolls.
It tolls for thee."
(doorbell rings)
Dr. McManus.
Acting casual.
(exhales)
Oh, hi, Felix.
Hey... Sharon...
What it is.
This is Emily.
Hi.
Hello.
We are just about to blow
this popsicle stand, so...
Oscar will be out
in a minute. Mm-hmm.
Oh, great.
So, how are you?
Oh, fine.
Good.
Fit as a fiddle.
In the pink
and in the prime.
(chuckles) Good.
Although I-I did have
one question for you.
Yes?
Does this shirt
overpower the tie?
Um...
Hey, Sharon, I didn't hear
you come in. Everything okay?
Yeah.
Course.
Normal people having
a normal conversation.
Okay, well we should go.
If we miss beginning
of the movie, we won't know
how Adam Sandler got in the body
of that Saint Bernard.
Bye.
Bye.
Can I get you a drink?
Sure.
Great.
Wow, Oscar, I'm impressed.
Felix didn't ask me
a single medical question.
Did you talk to him?
Well, I just
told him to not get all worked
up about things, you know?
I mean, what are you gonna do?
When your time's up,
it's up, you know?
Not what they taught us
in lady doctor school.
But I have to say, your
attitude is so refreshing.
I spend my whole life surrounded
by hypochondriacs like Felix.
Oh, I love the guy,
but he's a nut.
Yeah.
He's convinced he's dying of an
imaginary disease called SNeRD.
Oh, actually, that's real.
It is?
Yeah, it's a horrible disease.
In fact, I saw a patient today
who's terrified
she might have it.
But she doesn't, right?
I highly doubt it, but since
she just returned from Slovakia,
we're running tests
to be sure.
Um, but still, I mean,
it's 1,000 to one.
Isn't it a million?
I-I thought it was
a million to one.
When you say this disease
is horrible...
...what do you mean, exactly?
Seriously?
You really want to know?
Well, since you brought it up.
It starts out like a cold.
Fever, respiratory symptoms.
And then your
organs shut down,
you start to bleed
out your nose
and then you...
Okay, I get the gist.
Great.
So we can stop
talking about it.
(sneezes)
Oh.
Peek-a-boo.
Well, I loved that movie.
And I loved watching you eat
your first Sour Patch Kid.
It was like watching
a baby eat a pickle.
I like Fun Felix.
He's a lot better than
Does This Bump On My Ear
Mean I'm Dying Felix.
I know you're kidding, but do
I really have a bump on my ear?
'Cause a bump can turn into
a lump and a lump can kill you.
Felix...
No, okay, I know.
You're right.
It's just hard
to flip that switch.
You know...
I am going to really try to
be more like my friend Oscar.
That guy never
worries about anything.
(inhales deeply)
(exhales)
Is something wrong?
No, no, I'm just
a little wound up.
Well, then maybe
we should unwind.
Okay...
(grunts)
Um... Oscar?
No, no, no, I'm just,
uh, playing hard to get.
Until when?
I'm in your bed.
Yes, you're
a beautiful woman in my bed.
Here's an idea.
I'm gonna join you.
Oh, I'm hot.
I like your confidence.
No, I just... I mean
I feel really warm.
Well, I'll go crank the AC.
Make yourself at home.
Feel free to take a shower.
A sexy...
sanitizing shower.
Hey, guys. How was the movie?
Did you have fun?
Is there a cure for SNeRD?
Oh, come on, Oscar.
Not you too?
Sharon has a patient
who might have it.
Which means she might have it,
which means I might have it.
Where's your sanitizer?
Oscar, you're
overreacting.
Yes, I am.
And it's all his fault.
How is this my fault?
You freaked me out
about being sick.
You dragged me
to the doctor.
You made me look at
disgusting SNeRD pictures.
You're in my head, Felix Unger.
I did, and I'm sorry. I have
a problem, but Emily and I
are discussing it and
trying to work through it.
This is empty.
Where's your emergency stash?
Oh!
Uh... Ow!
Here's a drink, Oscar.
I can't believe
you infected me
with your hypochondria.
Ugh... agh!
Face it, Oscar, we're
both hypochondriacs,
just different breeds.
I run to the doctor
every two seconds
in the vain hope that
I can control my fate;
and you never go to the doctor
so that you can live in denial.
But in the end, aren't we both
afraid of the same thing?
Death.
I was pausing for effect.
Death.
But Oscar, you see, we can
help each other through this,
because we can
face our fears together.
Hey, Oscar, do you
have a tissue?
Nosebleed. Her organs
are melting. She's got SNeRD!
What?
Wait, are you
protecting me
or using me as a shield?
Protecting you.
Well then shouldn't
I be behind you?
Right.
All right, for God's sakes,
what is going on?
Oscar?
No, no, no!
Aah!
Oh, are you kidding me?
Well, you're hot and you're
sneezing and you're bleeding!
Yeah, because
you have the heat cranked,
I'm allergic to dust,
and your basketball
hit me in the face.
You know, if you have allergies,
I have a specialist...
Okay, you know what?
You're a lunatic.
You're both lunatics.
Felix, you can
find a new doctor.
And Oscar, you can
find a new girlfriend.
Four dates and she thinks
she's my girlfriend.
Who's the lunatic now?
ALL (sadly):
Felix.
Tell me it's not true.
I'm afraid it is, Annie.
Dr. McManus and I are
no longer seeing each other.
But you were so
good together.
Annie, these things happen.
You're a brave little girl.
I do not want you
to blame yourself.
I'm just here to collect my
things and get on with my life.
Of course.
Mm-hmm.
We've got your
records for you.
Okay.
Well...
(voice breaking):
I guess this is good-bye.
Take care of yourselves.
Annie, I'll see you
for dinner on Tuesday.
Good-bye. Take care.
Keiko, keep smiling.
Or... whatever you're
doing under there.
Frank, think of me
when you pass that stone.
I will.
I want you people
to know that you are more
than just a medical
practice to me.
You are family.
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
Oh, wonder who's gonna get it.
The overworked assistant
who's building your new chair,
or the pretty princess boss
who won't get off his lazy ass.
Hey, guys.
He can't hear you.
There's something
going on with his hearing.
Isn't that right,
Lazy Ass?
Ooh, fun. Let me try.
I haven't listened
to your show in three weeks.
Hey, Teddy.
Did you listen
to my show today?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Yeah, wh-when you said
that thing to that guy?
That-that was classic.
I know. Right?
Yeah.
Come on. Let's, uh...
Let's go over your schedule
for next week.
Great.
I'd love to.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa...
Oscar, are you okay?
No, I just got a little dizzy.
What's going on? First your
hearing, and now this.
It think it's just a cold.
Whatever you do,
don't tell Felix I'm sick.
Oscar,
you're sick?
Wow, he just appears
out of nowhere. Amazing.
Yeah, it's not so nice
when you're in the shower.
Oscar, when was the last time
you saw a doctor?
Well, let's see.
It's Thursday, right?
So, uh, 1998.
Look, Oscar, you have to
take your health seriously.
What are your symptoms?
I'm not playing this game.
He's having trouble with his
hearing, and just now,
he got dizzy.
Hmm. Let's see.
Could be an ear infection...
or a tear in the tympanic
membrane, or Meniere's disease.
That's just off the top
of my head.
Ooh, top of my head--
could be a brain tumor.
Would you please stop?
Felix, how do you know
these things?
Oh, it's my hobby.
Some people crochet,
I read medical journals.
I also crochet.
Any other symptoms
I should know about?
Yes. I've got a huge pain
in my ass.
Chortle, chortle, chortle.
Yes...
laughter is the best medicine,
they say.
Unless, of course,
you have a brain tumor!
Would you stop?
There's nothing wrong with me.
Oscar, I need you healthy.
You're 20% of my income.
And a dear, dear friend.
You can see my doctor--
Sharon McManus.
She's the best in New York.
I am not going to a doctor.
There's nothing wrong.
I'll just take some vitamins.
Dani, get me two Wilmas.
What's wrong, Oscar?
Are you afraid of doctors?
Or are you afraid
of what they'll find?
They're not gonna find anything.
They're just gonna nag me about
my diet and lack of exercise,
and I already have you for that.
Oscar, we care
about you.
I'm going to text Dr. McManus
and tell her
that you will take my standing
2:30 Friday appointment.
Thanks to you,
I have to take care of myself.
You are getting
on my last nerve.
It's like working
for a grumpy five-year-old.
This is my good ear.
I know.
ALL:
Felix!
Hello, everyone.
Frank, love the haircut.
Annie, I tried that three-bean
chili recipe of yours.
Muy caliente.
(laughing)
(all gasping)
What? What did I do?
You're sitting in my chair.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't see the plaque.
Not your fault.
It's back here.
What are you even
doing here?
Well, if Dr.
McManus sees
that we're friends, she'll give
you the best possible treatment.
Now then, I took the liberty of
starting your intake paperwork.
(whispering):
But I was not comfortable
filling out all of
the sexual history.
But you weren't afraid
to sketch the mole on my back.
Not a sketch.
More of a rubbing.
You are a deep sleeper.
(laughs)
Not anymore.
Oscar Madison.
Ah. Marilyn,
take good care of him.
Give him room C.
It's got a little bit
of sports history.
One of the Globetrotters
died in there.
How is it?
Everything okay?
Oh, fine.
I knew it.
My dumb roommate thinks
I'm dying of a brain tumor,
because I smoke cigars
and don't exercise.
I'm sorry. I'm a little winded.
That was a really long sentence.
It's okay, sir. I'm sure there's
nothing to be nervous about.
I'm not nervous.
You're the one who's nervous.
Nervous Mervous.
That's not a name.
Oh, my God, I'm having a stroke.
I'm going to be
the second most-famous person
who died in here.
Look who I found.
Dr. Sharon McManus,
this is my good friend Oscar.
Hello.
Good to meet you.
What brings you in today?
Oscar Madison,
43, white male.
Patient complains
of vertigo,
auditory problems
in the right ear.
Marilyn,
has Felix seen the new
blood pressure machine yet?
Hmm?
(gasps)
The T-200 is here?
How did I not know
about that?
Marilyn, am I off
the group e-mails?
Have a seat.
Okay.
So, when did you start
feeling dizzy?
It started Tuesday
during the Knicks game.
Oh, I saw that game.
Made me sick, too.
I know.
Carmelo's killing us, right?
Seriously.
Okay, let's take a look...
okay?
Oh, there we go.
I think I see the problem.
We're calling it
a problem now?
(laughing):
Okay, hold still.
You'll feel a little pressure.
Arr, arr. Arr, arr,
arr, arr, arr.
(laughs)
Better?
Oh, so much better!
All right.
I'm not dizzy.
And the sounds are so crisp,
and the colors...
No, the colors
are pretty much the same.
Oh, it's just a little blockage;
nothing to worry about.
Blood pressure's
down seven points.
Thanks, Norwegian fish oil!
Can you plug up my ear again?
You know, I shouldn't complain,
because his visits paid
for my bathroom remodel,
but, yes, Felix can be a bit
of a hypochondriac.
I believe the technical term is
"whack job."
(laughs)
Must be tough
being his roommate.
Yeah, some days,
but then, other days, like this,
he introduces me to a beautiful,
sophisticated lady doctor.
Just doctor.
The "lady" is silent.
Sorry. I'm a little off my game.
Can I try this again
with my pants on?
Okay, Annie, you're
a Pisces, right?
Mm-hmm.
"The month ahead brings
exciting opportunities.
Don't be afraid
to try new things."
Like dinner for two on your
birthday next Tuesday night!
Felix, you remembered!
Come on, you can tell me.
Who died? Meadowlark? Curly?
The guy who used
to dunk with his feet?
Oscar.
There you are.
Everything all right?
Great. She's an angel
of mercy.
I'll see you Tuesday
at 7:00.
Looking forward to it.
7:00 p.m.?
I'm confused.
Have the office
hours changed?
I'm taking her
to a Knicks game.
You mean like a date?
Oscar, you cannot
date my doctor!
Why not?
Because it will
end disastrously.
It always does with you.
In my defense,
I do a lot of volume.
She'll be furious,
she'll blame me,
and I will lose the
best doctor in New York.
So, go to another doctor!
No, I can't.
Dr. McManus is the last top-tier
doctor that will see me.
Apparently, I'm on
some sort of list.
Oh, Dani,
you're still here.
It's taken me three days to put
this damn chair together,
but I think I got it.
Looks a little bit low.
It's adjustable.
Oh!
Well, at least
he won't fall off.
You know what?
He deserves it.
You're still mad
that he's dating your doctor?
Yes.
They're on date three,
so it's only a matter of time
before they break up,
she'll be furious with me,
and just when I need her
at the top of her game.
Why is that?
Oh, I think I'm coming
down with something.
I was scrubbing the kitchen sink
all afternoon,
and now my fingers are numb.
Were you using that illegal
Chinese cleaning powder again?
It's not illegal in China.
And it didn't kill those
children who made it.
Still no feeling.
I'm starting to get concerned.
Well, I'm off the clock.
I'll be interested again
on Monday.
Dani, this is Sharon.
Hi.
Hi.
I see you
finished the chair.
Took you long enough.
Yeah, you should try it out.
It's adjustable.
Just push that lever.
So, what are you two up to?
Oh, Sharon's taking me to
a nice place for dinner,
so I figured I'd get
my fancy jacket.
Ooh. The one without
the mustard stain.
Bingo.
So, Felix, how are you?
I'm fine.
Actually, that
was a pleasantry.
I may not be
fine at all.
How much do you know
about a cleaning product
called "Happy Rainbow Best
Cleantime Dirt Remover?"
Felix, I'm on a date.
Uh-huh.
Can this please wait
until Friday?
You tell me.
I've got a numbness
in my finger, and then,
I've been hearing this
annoying sound all day,
like a high-pitched
whining.
Yeah.
Funny, we hear it, too.
Sharon, why don't you
come outside
and see the view
from the terrace?
I would love to.
Okay.
Wow. It's so beautiful.
I was just thinking
the same thing.
You know, I still can't believe
you're going out with me.
I mean, you could have
your pick of any guy,
and I'm a little bit older,
and you're probably
a lot smarter,
and feel free to stop me
at any point.
(laughs)
Well, maybe this will
make you feel more secure.
Sorry to interrupt, but...
the numbness has traveled
to my knuckle,
and at this rate, it will reach
my heart in 36 hours, so...
Ironically, you figured
that out, when you're actually
gonna die
by being thrown off a terrace.
I know you don't care
that I'm sick,
but Dr. McManus swore an oath,
and I'm sure
she won't mind a quick exam.
Okay, Felix,
I think you're
overreacting,
and I don't have my
instruments, so...
I've got my own.
Of course you do.
Be right back.
Come on, let's make
a run for it.
I can't take it anymore.
It's bad enough
when we're at the office,
but now that we're dating,
I'll never be away from him.
I think I have
to drop him as a patient.
Oh, no, you can't.
It'll break his heart.
I'm sure he's got a cardiologist
on speed-dial.
Oh, come on.
He's not really that bad.
FELIX:
Do you have a preferred
brand of tongue depressor?
I've got three options.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, please.
Oh, God.
Oh, wait. My coat.
I'll buy you a new one.
(laughs)
Done. Who wants
to test it?
Oh, why don't you?
Because I haven't
had children yet.
But you know what? It's a chair.
It looks
like the picture on the box.
I'm just gonna put it
in Oscar's room
and get on with my life.
(metallic clink)
Oh, I think a
piece fell.
You shut your mouth.
Why are you guys still here?
I promised Sharon we'd have
the place to ourselves,
and I think tonight's
gonna be the night.
Didn't you see the sock
on my doorknob?
Oh, great, everybody's here.
I can fix that.
And we're going to a movie, but
it doesn't start for an hour,
which gave somebody time to
surf the Web for medical advice.
Why can't you be addicted
to porn like everybody else?
Well, if it's
any consolation,
I may not be bothering
you much longer.
Why, are you moving?
Perhaps. To Heaven.
When I die.
Felix, you're
being ridiculous.
Oh, really? Does this
sound ridiculous?
I am riddled with SNeRD.
(laughs)
It's a real thing.
Slovakian
Neuro-Respiratory Disorder--
or SNeRD.
SNeRD.
I love that you
find it so funny.
Perhaps you would
like to share a chuckle
with patient zero,
aka Alojz Prochazka.
Oh, why are you showing me that?
That's a horrible way
to die, isn't it?
But how could you
have caught it?
Have you ever been to Slovakia?
No, but I had a very
suspicious pierogi for lunch.
It says right there--
your chances
of getting it are
one in a million.
Okay. Well, your chances
of winning the lottery are
one in 100 million, and yet
you buy a ticket every week.
Well, that's because
I have a gambling problem.
Here's another person
who gambled and lost--
Viktor Ciernik.
Ew!
Ugh!
Don't show me that!
I don't want that
picture in my head.
You cannot ignore this.
This is real.
I ignore plenty
of stuff that's real.
Taxes, people who have
fallen in the street.
When Dr. McManus gets here,
I'm gonna tell her my symptoms.
I've got a headache, erratic
pulse, and now look at this.
Look at that rash.
No, do not mention the rash.
Don't even show her the rash.
Why not?
Because if she thinks
you're an insane hypochondriac,
she'll dump you as a patient.
(dramatic gasp)
How do you know that?
She told me last night.
Damn it!
I knew if you started
dating my doctor,
something terrible would happen.
Don't blame me.
And listen,
when Sharon gets here,
just act normal.
Don't grill her about
your imaginary ailments.
Oh, so now it's imaginary?
Well, you know who else
must have
a fanciful imagination?
Imbriska Nedved.
Oh, that's disgusting.
Mm-hmm.
Which reminds me,
I better go clean my room
before Sharon gets here.
He's right, you know.
You do build things
up in your head.
I have been known
to make a mountain
out of an irregular
mole hill.
You know, Felix,
when I was a kid,
my grandmother told
me about polio,
and as soon as she did, I was
convinced that I had it.
But polio's been gone
since the '50s.
I was a kid, I didn't
know any better.
I actually had
nightmares about it.
Well, that's terrible.
Yeah, I wasted a whole
summer worrying.
I will never get
that summer back.
So you're saying...
You are wasting
your summer.
How did you stop
worrying about polio?
I learned about dinosaurs and
started worrying about them.
But dinosaurs
have been gone since...
I was a kid.
No...
no, you're right, I-I wish
I could stop this obsession.
You know, we're all gonna
die at some point, right?
It's like the poet says,
"Do not send to know
for whom the bell tolls.
It tolls for thee."
(doorbell rings)
Dr. McManus.
Acting casual.
(exhales)
Oh, hi, Felix.
Hey... Sharon...
What it is.
This is Emily.
Hi.
Hello.
We are just about to blow
this popsicle stand, so...
Oscar will be out
in a minute. Mm-hmm.
Oh, great.
So, how are you?
Oh, fine.
Good.
Fit as a fiddle.
In the pink
and in the prime.
(chuckles) Good.
Although I-I did have
one question for you.
Yes?
Does this shirt
overpower the tie?
Um...
Hey, Sharon, I didn't hear
you come in. Everything okay?
Yeah.
Course.
Normal people having
a normal conversation.
Okay, well we should go.
If we miss beginning
of the movie, we won't know
how Adam Sandler got in the body
of that Saint Bernard.
Bye.
Bye.
Can I get you a drink?
Sure.
Great.
Wow, Oscar, I'm impressed.
Felix didn't ask me
a single medical question.
Did you talk to him?
Well, I just
told him to not get all worked
up about things, you know?
I mean, what are you gonna do?
When your time's up,
it's up, you know?
Not what they taught us
in lady doctor school.
But I have to say, your
attitude is so refreshing.
I spend my whole life surrounded
by hypochondriacs like Felix.
Oh, I love the guy,
but he's a nut.
Yeah.
He's convinced he's dying of an
imaginary disease called SNeRD.
Oh, actually, that's real.
It is?
Yeah, it's a horrible disease.
In fact, I saw a patient today
who's terrified
she might have it.
But she doesn't, right?
I highly doubt it, but since
she just returned from Slovakia,
we're running tests
to be sure.
Um, but still, I mean,
it's 1,000 to one.
Isn't it a million?
I-I thought it was
a million to one.
When you say this disease
is horrible...
...what do you mean, exactly?
Seriously?
You really want to know?
Well, since you brought it up.
It starts out like a cold.
Fever, respiratory symptoms.
And then your
organs shut down,
you start to bleed
out your nose
and then you...
Okay, I get the gist.
Great.
So we can stop
talking about it.
(sneezes)
Oh.
Peek-a-boo.
Well, I loved that movie.
And I loved watching you eat
your first Sour Patch Kid.
It was like watching
a baby eat a pickle.
I like Fun Felix.
He's a lot better than
Does This Bump On My Ear
Mean I'm Dying Felix.
I know you're kidding, but do
I really have a bump on my ear?
'Cause a bump can turn into
a lump and a lump can kill you.
Felix...
No, okay, I know.
You're right.
It's just hard
to flip that switch.
You know...
I am going to really try to
be more like my friend Oscar.
That guy never
worries about anything.
(inhales deeply)
(exhales)
Is something wrong?
No, no, I'm just
a little wound up.
Well, then maybe
we should unwind.
Okay...
(grunts)
Um... Oscar?
No, no, no, I'm just,
uh, playing hard to get.
Until when?
I'm in your bed.
Yes, you're
a beautiful woman in my bed.
Here's an idea.
I'm gonna join you.
Oh, I'm hot.
I like your confidence.
No, I just... I mean
I feel really warm.
Well, I'll go crank the AC.
Make yourself at home.
Feel free to take a shower.
A sexy...
sanitizing shower.
Hey, guys. How was the movie?
Did you have fun?
Is there a cure for SNeRD?
Oh, come on, Oscar.
Not you too?
Sharon has a patient
who might have it.
Which means she might have it,
which means I might have it.
Where's your sanitizer?
Oscar, you're
overreacting.
Yes, I am.
And it's all his fault.
How is this my fault?
You freaked me out
about being sick.
You dragged me
to the doctor.
You made me look at
disgusting SNeRD pictures.
You're in my head, Felix Unger.
I did, and I'm sorry. I have
a problem, but Emily and I
are discussing it and
trying to work through it.
This is empty.
Where's your emergency stash?
Oh!
Uh... Ow!
Here's a drink, Oscar.
I can't believe
you infected me
with your hypochondria.
Ugh... agh!
Face it, Oscar, we're
both hypochondriacs,
just different breeds.
I run to the doctor
every two seconds
in the vain hope that
I can control my fate;
and you never go to the doctor
so that you can live in denial.
But in the end, aren't we both
afraid of the same thing?
Death.
I was pausing for effect.
Death.
But Oscar, you see, we can
help each other through this,
because we can
face our fears together.
Hey, Oscar, do you
have a tissue?
Nosebleed. Her organs
are melting. She's got SNeRD!
What?
Wait, are you
protecting me
or using me as a shield?
Protecting you.
Well then shouldn't
I be behind you?
Right.
All right, for God's sakes,
what is going on?
Oscar?
No, no, no!
Aah!
Oh, are you kidding me?
Well, you're hot and you're
sneezing and you're bleeding!
Yeah, because
you have the heat cranked,
I'm allergic to dust,
and your basketball
hit me in the face.
You know, if you have allergies,
I have a specialist...
Okay, you know what?
You're a lunatic.
You're both lunatics.
Felix, you can
find a new doctor.
And Oscar, you can
find a new girlfriend.
Four dates and she thinks
she's my girlfriend.
Who's the lunatic now?
ALL (sadly):
Felix.
Tell me it's not true.
I'm afraid it is, Annie.
Dr. McManus and I are
no longer seeing each other.
But you were so
good together.
Annie, these things happen.
You're a brave little girl.
I do not want you
to blame yourself.
I'm just here to collect my
things and get on with my life.
Of course.
Mm-hmm.
We've got your
records for you.
Okay.
Well...
(voice breaking):
I guess this is good-bye.
Take care of yourselves.
Annie, I'll see you
for dinner on Tuesday.
Good-bye. Take care.
Keiko, keep smiling.
Or... whatever you're
doing under there.
Frank, think of me
when you pass that stone.
I will.
I want you people
to know that you are more
than just a medical
practice to me.
You are family.
Captioning sponsored by
CBS