The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Wedding Deception - full transcript
Felix and Oscar get invited to the wedding of someone they know. Felix knowing that his estranged wife, Ashley will also be invited, wonders if it could be an opportunity to show her he's changed. He wants Oscar to come with him for moral support but he doesn't want but Felix tells him that someone he once tried to hook up with will also be there so he agrees to go. But when Felix learns that Ashley is bringing someone with her, he reconsiders going. But Oscar not wanting to miss out on hooking with the girl, tells him to bring someone. But Felix doesn't know but Emily who likes him offers to go. So they go. Felix later learns the one Ashley brought with her is not a date so he casts Emily aside. Oscar tries to hook with the girl but another girl who's had a thing for Oscar is there and to keep her away he says Emily is his date.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Best sandwich in the history of the world.
I wish I hadn't eaten
the whole thing though.
Ooh. Really feeling it.
Teddy, if I were you, I'd think
twice before finishing that...
You're not getting the rest of my sandwich.
Oscar, what have I told you
about eating on the sofa?
You're getting crumbs everywhere.
Hey, while you're at it,
take a lap on my shirt.
My wife thinks I'm off carbs.
Okay.
Oh, that tickles.
That tickles, Felix.
Mail came. We both got these.
Ooh, looks like a wedding invitation.
Apparently the theme is clutter.
There's another one?
He's got them stashed
all over the apartment
like an alcoholic.
I found one in the
bookcase behind my vodka.
Oh, look.
Steffie Beach is getting married again.
Who's Steffie Beach?
Ah.
Part of our old college
crowd, which means...
Ashley will be there.
Your ex. Sounds awkward.
Is it?
Or is it the perfect opportunity
to show her that I've changed?
I'm sticking with awkward.
Felix, in what way have you changed?
Oh, well, as you know, Ashley's
biggest complaint about me
is that I was a compulsive,
critical fussbudget.
Which I pointed out to her was actually
three different complaints.
But after a month
under your sloppy tutelage,
old fussy Felix has been
upgraded to Felix 2.0.
Lots more fun, same great posture.
And then what? She's gonna
suddenly call off the divorce?
Well, no, but maybe she'll go back
to couples counseling with me.
Especially when my bro Oscar
tells her how much I've changed.
Felix 2.0 says "bro."
So I get to put on a suit and
talk about how great you are?
I was hoping to avoid
that until your funeral.
Fine.
Stay home.
I'll say hi to... pause for effect...
- Olivia.
- Olivia?
She's the bride's sister; you
know she's going to be there.
Plus, I heard she's recently divorced, too.
- Who's Olivia?
- This really hot woman
I lusted after all through college.
We almost hooked up at a party,
but then the paramedics came
because someone discovered
he had an allergic reaction
to the wheat in beer.
How many times do I have to apologize?!
This is my chance to make things right.
It'll be like when time travelers go back
to Lincoln's assassination and,
you know, sleep with a really hot woman.
Well, you're both free.
I mean, who knows what could happen?
Yeah, he's right. There's
something about weddings.
Oh, Diane wouldn't look at me twice
until we ran into each other at a wedding.
A little drinking, a little dancing.
Flash forward to our silver anniversary,
coming up on the 12th.
Isn't today the 12th?
Oh, crap.
Florist downstairs
- closes in ten.
- Yeah.
Oscar, today's not the 12th.
I know.
Oscar, you liar, open up!
I want my damn sandwich!
Sorry, can't hear you!
It's not a toy.
Come in.
Oh, hey, Dani. Am I interrupting your work?
Yes, thank God.
I'm writing Oscar's apology
letters for the month.
He offends a lot of people on his show.
Athletes, fans,
the Coast Guard.
He called them the fake Navy.
Well, don't let me stop you.
I'm just looking for Felix.
Oh, here comes my favorite part of the day.
Emily's excuse for
spending time with Felix.
What? That's ridiculous.
I just need someone to
open this jar for me.
Okay, so I like hanging out with Felix.
He's a smart, interesting guy,
who I occasionally have dreams about.
Mm-hmm.
Well, it's over. All is lost.
Guess whose wife has a sexy new boyfriend.
I'm not gonna play because
I already know the answer.
It's me.
I tracked down Steffie's wedding planner
and asked to be seated at Ashley's table.
Turns out she's bringing a date.
A man named Chad Bannister.
He sounds handsome.
He is.
I Googled him.
Wavy hair and the dark soulful eyes
of a sad anchorman.
Well, at least it's not a fireman.
You'll never win with a fireman.
Well, it doesn't matter,
because I am not going.
I'm not gonna put myself
through the torture of watching
Ashley canoodle with some beefcake.
Did he just say "beefcake"?
But "canoodle" you're fine with?
I'm sorry, Felix, but
it was bound to happen.
She's moved on, and maybe
it's time you do, too.
Dani's right.
Instead of obsessing, why don't
you show up with your own date?
I mean, you must know someone
who would love to go with you.
Foot off the gas. Let him find it.
No, no, you're right.
Old Felix would have
stayed home and sulked.
But new loosey-goosey Felix goes out.
Makes the women say,
"Who's that loose goose?"
But the wedding is tomorrow.
- How am I gonna find a date
on such short notice? - Hey...
No.
How about Emily?
That's great. Emily, you
must have some hot friends.
No, I think Emily would be
perfect as Felix's plus-one.
Emily?
Sure. I'm a great fake date.
I went to all my cousins' proms.
- Wonderful.
- Okay, well, all right.
Um, looks like I need to find a dress.
Do you have any requests?
Oh, choose whatever you like.
Remember, loosey-goosey Felix.
Okay, maybe I'll wear my purple maxi dress.
To a wedding? I said
loosey-goosey, not tacky-wacky.
Oscar, where is your gift?
I'm waiting the full year
before I buy her a gift again.
Fool me once.
Emily, I can't tell you how much
I appreciate you doing this for me.
I hope I'm not putting you
in a difficult position.
Oh, Felix, you can put me
in any position you want.
Oh, I don't mean that sexually.
Not that I hate sex. I don't. I love it.
Not in a whore way.
Shrimp toast.
Oscar, there's Olivia.
Oh, wow, she looks great.
Okay, here we go. Magic time.
- What are you doing?
- All part of my game plan.
Five phases, ending in sex.
Phase one: active ignoring.
Good one, Felix! I love stories!
Oscar, I think she sees you.
Perfect. Commencing phase two:
fake friend across the room.
Yes, Elliot, I will come towards you.
How about I get us some champagne?
That would be lovely.
Felix?
Ashley.
Hi. Hello.
You look stunning.
You, too, Felix.
I always liked that suit.
- Oh. Uh...
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Uh...
That's good.
Hey, how's living with Oscar?
I haven't seen anything on the news,
so I assumed you hadn't
killed each other yet.
No, it's actually been going quite well.
You'd be surprised how much living with him
has loosened me up.
I am now a totally chill dude.
So eight years of marriage
counseling, nothing,
but one month with Oscar
and you're a new man?
Yeah. It's like shock therapy.
I don't even remember the first two weeks.
Oh...
No, I'm really glad we can laugh.
I was afraid this might be awkward.
Awkward?
How could this be awkward?
Just... two people hanging out.
- Oh, I want to introduce you to Chad.
- Two people and Chad.
There you are, you gorgeous bitch.
Hi, I'm Chad.
And this is Hugo Boss.
My undies are Marc Jacobs,
but that's probably too much information.
No, I think it's just enough.
Okay, be my eyes. Where is she?
Uh... Oh, heading this
way, about ten feet out.
Three, two...
I don't care how much it
costs, those are orphans!
Get them out of there!
Oh, hey, Olivia.
Oscar, hi!
It's great to see you.
Well, your sister got
married. You must be so happy.
I am. For her.
But when you're fresh off of a divorce,
last place you want to be is a wedding.
Ha. Tell me about it.
Part of me just wants to be
that bridesmaid who gets drunk,
grabs the nearest guy and gets crazy.
Can I buy that part of you a drink?
Oh.
- Too funny.
- No.
Wait, you thought Chad was my date?
Oh... the thought may have occurred to me.
Felix, give me some credit.
You think I'm so insensitive
that I would bring a date to an
event where I'd know you'd be?
Oh, there you are, Felix.
Aren't you going to introduce me?
Oh. Did you bring a date?
Hmm? What? Her?
Huh? Oh, what?
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Uh, this is Emily.
Oscar's girlfriend.
Oh.
I didn't know he was seeing anyone.
Well...
it's recent.
Now, where is that boyfriend of yours?
- Oscar!
- What is it, Felix?
I'm kind of in the middle of
something. Oh, hey, Ashley.
Oscar. I was just hearing
about your new romance.
Oh, well, I wouldn't call it a romance.
But if I play my cards right,
I might get lucky tonight.
Well, I feel like Emily
would have some say in that.
Why? Last time I checked,
it wasn't up to her.
Classy as ever, Oscar.
I'll catch up with you later.
What's going on?
Emily is now your date.
What?! No! Why?
Ashley didn't bring a date,
she brought a sassy sidekick!
So I get stuck with Emily? No offense.
Some taken.
Don't you see what this means?
Ashley hasn't moved on.
I have to get some water.
I'm feeling the flush of hope.
All right, well, keep a low profile.
If Olivia thinks we're
together, it'll ruin everything.
I missed my chance with her in college.
I'm not gonna let anything
stand in the way this time.
Oscar Madison!
Oh, my good God. Deena.
Is this fate or what?
Oscar and I work together.
Well, I'm an advertiser
on his show, but a big one!
Too big to ignore.
Oscar,
I hear you're divorced.
We always had this little
"will they or won't they" thing going on.
Mostly won't.
Well, that's just because
we were never single at the same time.
But now I guess the question is:
"When they?" and "Where they?"
Well, I think the answer
has to be "never" and "nowhere," because
this is my fianc?e, Emily.
It's very recent.
You're engaged? Really?
Yeah. I took a look
at that little... brown head and thought,
"Sure. Why not?"
And I have daddy issues, so...
Well, bye, Deena.
- So now I'm your fianc?e?
- I had to shut her down,
or she'd be all over me in front of Olivia.
Thanks for not busting me.
No, thank you for promoting
my jewelry business
on your radio show next week.
You're blackmailing me.
I'm so impressed.
I know. I did it really good, right?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
It's called a centerpiece, not
a jarringly off-centerpiece.
Felix?
I thought living with
Oscar had loosened you up.
Oh. Oh, it has.
Mm.
It's funny, things that
used to drive me crazy,
I just don't even notice anymore.
So you won't care if I do this?
Not a bit.
You're not gonna fix it
as soon as I walk away?
No big dealio.
Felix, I need to park Emily here with you.
Maybe there's a bike rack
you guys can chain me to.
If Olivia thinks we're a
couple, I'll lose my shot.
Also, did you just wake up?
Oscar, look, I feel for you, I really do,
but you promised that you
would talk me up to Ashley
and convince her that I've changed.
Go! Now!
Tell her about the time I ate nachos.
So, tell me, Oscar, how is Felix doing?
Well, it was difficult at first.
He was in a pretty dark place.
Hmm. Must have been. He
chose to live with you.
I forgot, we don't like each other.
No, but, Ashley, he's really changed.
He's, uh, really loosened
up. Whole new man. Nachos.
He eats nachos. Olivia?
Oscar, I've been looking for you.
I have a confession to make.
I was really hoping you'd be here tonight.
- You were?
- Yeah.
Remember that party in college?
Seemed like you and I
almost... got together.
God, I've thought about that night a lot.
Really?
Well, maybe now is our
chance to make up for it.
Oscar Madison!
Deena. It's Deena.
Where's your fianc?e?
- No, no.
- Fianc?e?
Oh, you haven't met her? Oh, she's lovely.
Oh, here she is. Emily.
I guess you forgot to tell me about her.
I'm Olivia.
Congratulations on your engagement.
Good luck with this one.
Wait. Oscar, you told
her that we're engaged?
I thought you were gonna
tell her that you liked her.
Oh. Now I see what's going on here.
You two... have an open relationship.
Room 284.
Well, I'm kind of beat.
You go ahead, honey.
Okay, you've made your point.
Just let me fix your hair.
Oh, I had forgotten all about that.
But if it's driving you crazy to the point
where you can't think of
anything else, go ahead.
Oh, you know what? Oh, that's funny.
Oh, here's a comb.
Why don't I take a crack at it there?
Hmm. There he is.
There's the Felix I remember.
Chicken satay with
spicy Thai dipping sauce?
Well, do you remember me doing this?
Whoop.
Well, she did say it
was a tie dipping sauce.
Napkin?
Mm, no.
No need, no need.
Mmm!
- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.
Old Felix would've been thinking about
all those microbes hiding in
the ridges of his fingertips.
I won't lie to you.
That did occur to new Felix, as well.
But life is short.
Probably a little bit shorter now.
Well, good for you.
You really are trying to change.
Can you believe Ashley stayed
married to him for 15 years?
- You mean Felix?
- I mean, I love her,
but the poor girl was
born without gay-dar.
Olivia, can we please talk?
Are you sure I won't be
keeping you from your fianc?e?
No, look, here's the thing.
Emily's not really my
fianc?e. That was just a cover.
This woman's been chasing
me, and I didn't want
to hurt her feelings, so
I lied about my situation.
Oh. Then who is Emily?
She lives in the apartment
above Felix and me.
Wait. You and Felix live together?
Yeah, we hooked up right after his divorce.
Oh, now I get it.
You and Felix. Wow!
I did not see that coming.
Yeah. Neither did I.
I mean, sure, we had some
fun in college, but...
I never thought I'd be waking
up to that face every morning.
Well, I am happy for you.
Oh, thank you. And, listen,
I'm sorry about lying earlier.
If there's anyone I wanted
to be straight with, it's you.
Felix, if you're going to
invite a girl to a wedding,
the least you could do is ask her to dance.
You're absolutely right.
Emily, may I have this dance?
You may.
I'm really happy that you
moved into the building.
Me, too. It's been nice
getting to know you.
Opening all of your jars.
Isn't it funny how everything
has to line up just right
to bring two people together?
I mean, all the things that
had to happen so you
and I would end up here.
I-I'm sorry. What were you saying?
I was a little bit distracted.
I was saying,
thank you for this dance, Felix.
Now, why don't you go dance with your wife?
I think I will.
Thank you for everything, Emily.
You're a good friend.
- What?
- The song.
I don't do fast dancing.
But, Felix, it's easy. Just, um...
Just loosen your shoulders and...
and unlock your hips.
Wow. Nothing is happening.
Okay, um... oh, uh, why don't
you grab your wife's hand
and spin her around
like a Dyson ball vacuum?
- I can do that.
- Okay.
Ashley?
May I have this dance for old times' sake?
Isn't this music a little fast for you?
Oh, the faster the better.
Oh.
Oh, wow!
Where did this come from?
- I've unlocked my hips, and
I threw away the key! - Oh.
Hey, I'm all done with pictures.
Oh, great. I hear
there's this terrific view
from the rooftop bar if
you want to go check it out.
Is Felix okay?
- What's wrong?
- Throat's closed.
Allergic reaction.
Dipping sauce must have had cumin!
What happened?
In-in my coat pocket...
you will find an...
EpiPen.
- Oh.
- It's okay.
He'll be fine now.
I'll go get you some water.
Thank you.
Oh, Ashley.
You never stopped carrying my EpiPen.
You still care.
Oh, Felix, we were married for 15 years.
Of course I care.
It's just living with
you that drove me crazy.
Even if I've changed?
I think it's great that
you're trying to change,
but you can't do it for me.
Can't think of a better reason.
You're a sweet, strange man, Felix Unger.
Well, Ashley may not want you back,
but she doesn't want you dead either,
so that's something, right?
I don't know what I was thinking,
pretending to be someone I'm not.
I made the same mistake
with Olivia, buddy boy.
But I think I cleared the air,
and she's seeing me in a whole new light.
Is he okay?
Yeah, but I should get him home.
Can we have that drink tomorrow?
No, I fly out in the morning.
But maybe next time I'm in town.
We can go shopping or see a show.
Uh... okay.
Olivia, I want you to know,
this is the sweetest, kindest,
most loving man on Earth.
Stop it, Felix. You're
embarrassing me. Let's go home.
- Mmm.
Best sandwich in the history of the world.
I wish I hadn't eaten
the whole thing though.
Ooh. Really feeling it.
Teddy, if I were you, I'd think
twice before finishing that...
You're not getting the rest of my sandwich.
Oscar, what have I told you
about eating on the sofa?
You're getting crumbs everywhere.
Hey, while you're at it,
take a lap on my shirt.
My wife thinks I'm off carbs.
Okay.
Oh, that tickles.
That tickles, Felix.
Mail came. We both got these.
Ooh, looks like a wedding invitation.
Apparently the theme is clutter.
There's another one?
He's got them stashed
all over the apartment
like an alcoholic.
I found one in the
bookcase behind my vodka.
Oh, look.
Steffie Beach is getting married again.
Who's Steffie Beach?
Ah.
Part of our old college
crowd, which means...
Ashley will be there.
Your ex. Sounds awkward.
Is it?
Or is it the perfect opportunity
to show her that I've changed?
I'm sticking with awkward.
Felix, in what way have you changed?
Oh, well, as you know, Ashley's
biggest complaint about me
is that I was a compulsive,
critical fussbudget.
Which I pointed out to her was actually
three different complaints.
But after a month
under your sloppy tutelage,
old fussy Felix has been
upgraded to Felix 2.0.
Lots more fun, same great posture.
And then what? She's gonna
suddenly call off the divorce?
Well, no, but maybe she'll go back
to couples counseling with me.
Especially when my bro Oscar
tells her how much I've changed.
Felix 2.0 says "bro."
So I get to put on a suit and
talk about how great you are?
I was hoping to avoid
that until your funeral.
Fine.
Stay home.
I'll say hi to... pause for effect...
- Olivia.
- Olivia?
She's the bride's sister; you
know she's going to be there.
Plus, I heard she's recently divorced, too.
- Who's Olivia?
- This really hot woman
I lusted after all through college.
We almost hooked up at a party,
but then the paramedics came
because someone discovered
he had an allergic reaction
to the wheat in beer.
How many times do I have to apologize?!
This is my chance to make things right.
It'll be like when time travelers go back
to Lincoln's assassination and,
you know, sleep with a really hot woman.
Well, you're both free.
I mean, who knows what could happen?
Yeah, he's right. There's
something about weddings.
Oh, Diane wouldn't look at me twice
until we ran into each other at a wedding.
A little drinking, a little dancing.
Flash forward to our silver anniversary,
coming up on the 12th.
Isn't today the 12th?
Oh, crap.
Florist downstairs
- closes in ten.
- Yeah.
Oscar, today's not the 12th.
I know.
Oscar, you liar, open up!
I want my damn sandwich!
Sorry, can't hear you!
It's not a toy.
Come in.
Oh, hey, Dani. Am I interrupting your work?
Yes, thank God.
I'm writing Oscar's apology
letters for the month.
He offends a lot of people on his show.
Athletes, fans,
the Coast Guard.
He called them the fake Navy.
Well, don't let me stop you.
I'm just looking for Felix.
Oh, here comes my favorite part of the day.
Emily's excuse for
spending time with Felix.
What? That's ridiculous.
I just need someone to
open this jar for me.
Okay, so I like hanging out with Felix.
He's a smart, interesting guy,
who I occasionally have dreams about.
Mm-hmm.
Well, it's over. All is lost.
Guess whose wife has a sexy new boyfriend.
I'm not gonna play because
I already know the answer.
It's me.
I tracked down Steffie's wedding planner
and asked to be seated at Ashley's table.
Turns out she's bringing a date.
A man named Chad Bannister.
He sounds handsome.
He is.
I Googled him.
Wavy hair and the dark soulful eyes
of a sad anchorman.
Well, at least it's not a fireman.
You'll never win with a fireman.
Well, it doesn't matter,
because I am not going.
I'm not gonna put myself
through the torture of watching
Ashley canoodle with some beefcake.
Did he just say "beefcake"?
But "canoodle" you're fine with?
I'm sorry, Felix, but
it was bound to happen.
She's moved on, and maybe
it's time you do, too.
Dani's right.
Instead of obsessing, why don't
you show up with your own date?
I mean, you must know someone
who would love to go with you.
Foot off the gas. Let him find it.
No, no, you're right.
Old Felix would have
stayed home and sulked.
But new loosey-goosey Felix goes out.
Makes the women say,
"Who's that loose goose?"
But the wedding is tomorrow.
- How am I gonna find a date
on such short notice? - Hey...
No.
How about Emily?
That's great. Emily, you
must have some hot friends.
No, I think Emily would be
perfect as Felix's plus-one.
Emily?
Sure. I'm a great fake date.
I went to all my cousins' proms.
- Wonderful.
- Okay, well, all right.
Um, looks like I need to find a dress.
Do you have any requests?
Oh, choose whatever you like.
Remember, loosey-goosey Felix.
Okay, maybe I'll wear my purple maxi dress.
To a wedding? I said
loosey-goosey, not tacky-wacky.
Oscar, where is your gift?
I'm waiting the full year
before I buy her a gift again.
Fool me once.
Emily, I can't tell you how much
I appreciate you doing this for me.
I hope I'm not putting you
in a difficult position.
Oh, Felix, you can put me
in any position you want.
Oh, I don't mean that sexually.
Not that I hate sex. I don't. I love it.
Not in a whore way.
Shrimp toast.
Oscar, there's Olivia.
Oh, wow, she looks great.
Okay, here we go. Magic time.
- What are you doing?
- All part of my game plan.
Five phases, ending in sex.
Phase one: active ignoring.
Good one, Felix! I love stories!
Oscar, I think she sees you.
Perfect. Commencing phase two:
fake friend across the room.
Yes, Elliot, I will come towards you.
How about I get us some champagne?
That would be lovely.
Felix?
Ashley.
Hi. Hello.
You look stunning.
You, too, Felix.
I always liked that suit.
- Oh. Uh...
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Uh...
That's good.
Hey, how's living with Oscar?
I haven't seen anything on the news,
so I assumed you hadn't
killed each other yet.
No, it's actually been going quite well.
You'd be surprised how much living with him
has loosened me up.
I am now a totally chill dude.
So eight years of marriage
counseling, nothing,
but one month with Oscar
and you're a new man?
Yeah. It's like shock therapy.
I don't even remember the first two weeks.
Oh...
No, I'm really glad we can laugh.
I was afraid this might be awkward.
Awkward?
How could this be awkward?
Just... two people hanging out.
- Oh, I want to introduce you to Chad.
- Two people and Chad.
There you are, you gorgeous bitch.
Hi, I'm Chad.
And this is Hugo Boss.
My undies are Marc Jacobs,
but that's probably too much information.
No, I think it's just enough.
Okay, be my eyes. Where is she?
Uh... Oh, heading this
way, about ten feet out.
Three, two...
I don't care how much it
costs, those are orphans!
Get them out of there!
Oh, hey, Olivia.
Oscar, hi!
It's great to see you.
Well, your sister got
married. You must be so happy.
I am. For her.
But when you're fresh off of a divorce,
last place you want to be is a wedding.
Ha. Tell me about it.
Part of me just wants to be
that bridesmaid who gets drunk,
grabs the nearest guy and gets crazy.
Can I buy that part of you a drink?
Oh.
- Too funny.
- No.
Wait, you thought Chad was my date?
Oh... the thought may have occurred to me.
Felix, give me some credit.
You think I'm so insensitive
that I would bring a date to an
event where I'd know you'd be?
Oh, there you are, Felix.
Aren't you going to introduce me?
Oh. Did you bring a date?
Hmm? What? Her?
Huh? Oh, what?
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Uh, this is Emily.
Oscar's girlfriend.
Oh.
I didn't know he was seeing anyone.
Well...
it's recent.
Now, where is that boyfriend of yours?
- Oscar!
- What is it, Felix?
I'm kind of in the middle of
something. Oh, hey, Ashley.
Oscar. I was just hearing
about your new romance.
Oh, well, I wouldn't call it a romance.
But if I play my cards right,
I might get lucky tonight.
Well, I feel like Emily
would have some say in that.
Why? Last time I checked,
it wasn't up to her.
Classy as ever, Oscar.
I'll catch up with you later.
What's going on?
Emily is now your date.
What?! No! Why?
Ashley didn't bring a date,
she brought a sassy sidekick!
So I get stuck with Emily? No offense.
Some taken.
Don't you see what this means?
Ashley hasn't moved on.
I have to get some water.
I'm feeling the flush of hope.
All right, well, keep a low profile.
If Olivia thinks we're
together, it'll ruin everything.
I missed my chance with her in college.
I'm not gonna let anything
stand in the way this time.
Oscar Madison!
Oh, my good God. Deena.
Is this fate or what?
Oscar and I work together.
Well, I'm an advertiser
on his show, but a big one!
Too big to ignore.
Oscar,
I hear you're divorced.
We always had this little
"will they or won't they" thing going on.
Mostly won't.
Well, that's just because
we were never single at the same time.
But now I guess the question is:
"When they?" and "Where they?"
Well, I think the answer
has to be "never" and "nowhere," because
this is my fianc?e, Emily.
It's very recent.
You're engaged? Really?
Yeah. I took a look
at that little... brown head and thought,
"Sure. Why not?"
And I have daddy issues, so...
Well, bye, Deena.
- So now I'm your fianc?e?
- I had to shut her down,
or she'd be all over me in front of Olivia.
Thanks for not busting me.
No, thank you for promoting
my jewelry business
on your radio show next week.
You're blackmailing me.
I'm so impressed.
I know. I did it really good, right?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
It's called a centerpiece, not
a jarringly off-centerpiece.
Felix?
I thought living with
Oscar had loosened you up.
Oh. Oh, it has.
Mm.
It's funny, things that
used to drive me crazy,
I just don't even notice anymore.
So you won't care if I do this?
Not a bit.
You're not gonna fix it
as soon as I walk away?
No big dealio.
Felix, I need to park Emily here with you.
Maybe there's a bike rack
you guys can chain me to.
If Olivia thinks we're a
couple, I'll lose my shot.
Also, did you just wake up?
Oscar, look, I feel for you, I really do,
but you promised that you
would talk me up to Ashley
and convince her that I've changed.
Go! Now!
Tell her about the time I ate nachos.
So, tell me, Oscar, how is Felix doing?
Well, it was difficult at first.
He was in a pretty dark place.
Hmm. Must have been. He
chose to live with you.
I forgot, we don't like each other.
No, but, Ashley, he's really changed.
He's, uh, really loosened
up. Whole new man. Nachos.
He eats nachos. Olivia?
Oscar, I've been looking for you.
I have a confession to make.
I was really hoping you'd be here tonight.
- You were?
- Yeah.
Remember that party in college?
Seemed like you and I
almost... got together.
God, I've thought about that night a lot.
Really?
Well, maybe now is our
chance to make up for it.
Oscar Madison!
Deena. It's Deena.
Where's your fianc?e?
- No, no.
- Fianc?e?
Oh, you haven't met her? Oh, she's lovely.
Oh, here she is. Emily.
I guess you forgot to tell me about her.
I'm Olivia.
Congratulations on your engagement.
Good luck with this one.
Wait. Oscar, you told
her that we're engaged?
I thought you were gonna
tell her that you liked her.
Oh. Now I see what's going on here.
You two... have an open relationship.
Room 284.
Well, I'm kind of beat.
You go ahead, honey.
Okay, you've made your point.
Just let me fix your hair.
Oh, I had forgotten all about that.
But if it's driving you crazy to the point
where you can't think of
anything else, go ahead.
Oh, you know what? Oh, that's funny.
Oh, here's a comb.
Why don't I take a crack at it there?
Hmm. There he is.
There's the Felix I remember.
Chicken satay with
spicy Thai dipping sauce?
Well, do you remember me doing this?
Whoop.
Well, she did say it
was a tie dipping sauce.
Napkin?
Mm, no.
No need, no need.
Mmm!
- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.
Old Felix would've been thinking about
all those microbes hiding in
the ridges of his fingertips.
I won't lie to you.
That did occur to new Felix, as well.
But life is short.
Probably a little bit shorter now.
Well, good for you.
You really are trying to change.
Can you believe Ashley stayed
married to him for 15 years?
- You mean Felix?
- I mean, I love her,
but the poor girl was
born without gay-dar.
Olivia, can we please talk?
Are you sure I won't be
keeping you from your fianc?e?
No, look, here's the thing.
Emily's not really my
fianc?e. That was just a cover.
This woman's been chasing
me, and I didn't want
to hurt her feelings, so
I lied about my situation.
Oh. Then who is Emily?
She lives in the apartment
above Felix and me.
Wait. You and Felix live together?
Yeah, we hooked up right after his divorce.
Oh, now I get it.
You and Felix. Wow!
I did not see that coming.
Yeah. Neither did I.
I mean, sure, we had some
fun in college, but...
I never thought I'd be waking
up to that face every morning.
Well, I am happy for you.
Oh, thank you. And, listen,
I'm sorry about lying earlier.
If there's anyone I wanted
to be straight with, it's you.
Felix, if you're going to
invite a girl to a wedding,
the least you could do is ask her to dance.
You're absolutely right.
Emily, may I have this dance?
You may.
I'm really happy that you
moved into the building.
Me, too. It's been nice
getting to know you.
Opening all of your jars.
Isn't it funny how everything
has to line up just right
to bring two people together?
I mean, all the things that
had to happen so you
and I would end up here.
I-I'm sorry. What were you saying?
I was a little bit distracted.
I was saying,
thank you for this dance, Felix.
Now, why don't you go dance with your wife?
I think I will.
Thank you for everything, Emily.
You're a good friend.
- What?
- The song.
I don't do fast dancing.
But, Felix, it's easy. Just, um...
Just loosen your shoulders and...
and unlock your hips.
Wow. Nothing is happening.
Okay, um... oh, uh, why don't
you grab your wife's hand
and spin her around
like a Dyson ball vacuum?
- I can do that.
- Okay.
Ashley?
May I have this dance for old times' sake?
Isn't this music a little fast for you?
Oh, the faster the better.
Oh.
Oh, wow!
Where did this come from?
- I've unlocked my hips, and
I threw away the key! - Oh.
Hey, I'm all done with pictures.
Oh, great. I hear
there's this terrific view
from the rooftop bar if
you want to go check it out.
Is Felix okay?
- What's wrong?
- Throat's closed.
Allergic reaction.
Dipping sauce must have had cumin!
What happened?
In-in my coat pocket...
you will find an...
EpiPen.
- Oh.
- It's okay.
He'll be fine now.
I'll go get you some water.
Thank you.
Oh, Ashley.
You never stopped carrying my EpiPen.
You still care.
Oh, Felix, we were married for 15 years.
Of course I care.
It's just living with
you that drove me crazy.
Even if I've changed?
I think it's great that
you're trying to change,
but you can't do it for me.
Can't think of a better reason.
You're a sweet, strange man, Felix Unger.
Well, Ashley may not want you back,
but she doesn't want you dead either,
so that's something, right?
I don't know what I was thinking,
pretending to be someone I'm not.
I made the same mistake
with Olivia, buddy boy.
But I think I cleared the air,
and she's seeing me in a whole new light.
Is he okay?
Yeah, but I should get him home.
Can we have that drink tomorrow?
No, I fly out in the morning.
But maybe next time I'm in town.
We can go shopping or see a show.
Uh... okay.
Olivia, I want you to know,
this is the sweetest, kindest,
most loving man on Earth.
Stop it, Felix. You're
embarrassing me. Let's go home.