The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Ghostwriter - full transcript
Felix offers his help when Oscar is hired to ghostwrite a retired baseball player's autobiography.
FELIX (from other room):
Oh, yes. Yes. Oh, yes.
Oh, yes. Yeah,
that's it, that's it.
Almost there.
Oh, God, yes!
Yes...
that's the spot.
I thought I heard sex noises,
but this is equally disturbing.
I'm shooting an ad campaign
for a restaurant chain.
Wouldn't you like to try
this delicious sundae?
I'd love to.
You can't.
It's not edible--
it's a little bit
of food-styling trickery.
You see,
the ice cream is
actually just lard,
and the chocolate
sauce is motor oil.
Later, I have to dispose
of the sundae at Pep Boys.
This is so exciting.
I love learning
all the little behind-the-scenes
tricks.
If you really find
it interesting, I
could use some help.
I have some money in the budget.
Do you think Oscar
could spare his assistant
for the day?
This is actually my day off.
I'm just here
for the free Wi-Fi.
Great! You can help me
with the hamburger photo.
Oh.
Step one: select
the perfect bun.
Now, our featured bun
must be perfectly symmetrical
with a golden crust.
Okay.
It doesn't shy away
from attention, but it knows
it's not the center
of the sandwich.
Got it. Oh!
It's the kind of bun
that's comfortable at a bar,
or a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm done.
Yeah, you can talk all you
want-- you're paying me.
That I am.
Good luck.
Oh!
Oh, gentlemen.
Welcome home.
How was
Atlantic City?
It was all kind of a blur.
Lots of drinking and gambling
and bouncers shouting,
"No touching!"
When I drink bourbon, I like
to touch people's... teeth.
At least you
got to drink.
This juice cleanse
is killing me.
It's killing all of us--
you smell like a hamster cage.
All right, Oscar, it's time
for me to be your agent again.
You had your fun,
but now it's time to...
Drink beer in my underwear?
Sit your ass down
and start writing that book.
Wow, I wasn't even close.
Oscar, you're writing
another book? That's wonderful.
Oh, it's no big deal--
I'm just ghostwriting
this autobiography
for a retired baseball player.
I just crank 'em out
and make some fast cash.
Oh, yeah,
he does work fast.
He goes through those books
like seaweed
through a human colon.
I miss solid food so much.
Yeah, I could use a nap.
Do you mind if I crash here?
My wife thinks I'm still
in Atlantic City, and...
I'd like to keep it that way.
I'm gonna be kind of busy, Roy.
Yeah, okay. You know, I can...
I can just sleep in the park.
Yeah.
At the park,
no one nags you,
or says they've lost
all sexual desire
because your body feels,
quote, "like a bag of wet sand
dipped in hair."
Take a nap here, Roy.
All right.
Your friend drops
an emotional bomb like that
and you just let him walk away?
That's the polite
thing to do.
Absolutely.
Can't you see,
he's got some
deep-seated feelings
that need to be dug into.
No, no, no, no. Don't dig.
You always do that.
What are you talking about?
You treat every conversation
like it's therapy.
You root around
people's heads
and get them
all mixed up.
(chuckles):
18 therapists
in 15 years--
I think I know
a little bit
about psychology.
Not everybody wants
to share the painful
details of their lives.
Oh, really?
Heard of Facebook?
I found the perfect buns.
I thought it was your day off?
I'm helping Felix
with a project.
Ah, yes, Dani, very nice.
I like this one.
Now we just have
to modulate
the clumping
of these sesame seeds.
Why have they all
congregated over here?
What do these seeds know
that these seeds don't know?
I will get you tweezers.
And I will get you pliers
to remove the stick
from his ass.
There he is.
Hey, Murph.
I see you brought
some writing juice.
Yeah. Sorry I'm late.
This girl recognized me
at the liquor store.
Guess she's a big baseball fan.
So I had to stop and do the
whole polite meet a fan thing.
You slept with her.
Yeah.
Marcus Murphy does not
kiss and tell.
Well, she does.
It's trending on Twitter.
"Made it to home base
with Marcus Murphy.
#bestsexever #majorleaguepenis."
Hey, it was a team effort.
We're all just out there trying
to have the best sex we can.
Or any sex we can.
So, how's our book coming?
Great. I haven't
started it yet,
but I know everything there is
to know about your career.
Seven all-star teams,
three Gold Gloves,
two sex tapes;
both went platinum.
Yeah.
I can't take all the credit.
Those girls showed
a lot of hustle.
Just passing through. Hello.
Pretend I'm not here.
Murph, this is Felix.
He's not here.
What are you, some kind
of photographer?
Hmm, technically, I am many
kinds of photographer.
Currently, I am doing
some commercial work.
Although, my first love
is portraiture,
or as I call it,
illuminating the soul.
He's gonna keep talking as long
as you keep making eye contact.
Yes, any portrait can tell you
what a person looks like,
but by manipulating color
and light and shadow,
I can tell you who a person is.
Whoa. Whoa, hey, Oscar,
don't we need a picture
of me for the book flap?
I'm thinking casual setting,
natural light.
Felix, I have a deadline.
I can't keep wasting time.
(phone chimes)
I've got work to do.
Oh, there's my lunch.
All right,
you guys have ten minutes.
Oh, no,
I've got to call my bookie.
You guys have 20 minutes!
Just see what
I'm working with here.
Oh, yes, yes.
Structure's good. Okay.
Photoshop will take care of that
little scar on the earlobe.
How can you see that?
It's so tiny.
Oh, as a professional,
I'm trained to notice
the most minute detail.
In fact, tell whoever
gave you that hickey
she's got a loose crown.
Pickup for Madison.
Oh, hey, neighbor.
I thought this might be for you.
Yep.
I'm sure you're wondering
why I got a job here.
Not really.
Well, my jewelry business
hasn't really taken off yet.
You know, it started
as just a-a hobby,
something I did for "mad money."
But now I need to make
"rent money,"
so... (chuckles) look at me!
I'm a working girl.
Scrappy working girl
in the city.
Plus, it's free advertising
for my designs.
So it's all good.
No, it's all great.
I'm sorry, what did you ask?
I didn't.
Oh.
Oh, I forgot your utensils.
I will be right back.
Oh!
Living the dream.
(shutter clicking)
Yeah, that's it, that's it.
Back straight, chin out,
like a proud meerkat.
Yes, yes.
Who's that coming?
Oh, it's my friend the gazelle.
Yeah?
Huh, that is
an interesting expression.
Uh, sorry, I just don't know
what a gazelle looks like,
so I'm picturing a skinny moose.
No, it's not that.
It just, it looks like
you're pondering something.
I guess I'm thinking
about the book.
What about it?
I don't know.
It just seems so weird
to have your whole life
boiled down to stats
and game scores.
Yes.
Interesting.
Anyone ever tell you
that you have unexpected depth?
My English teacher, Ms. Russell,
said something like that
in high school.
At first, I thought she was just
trying to get into my pants,
but it turns out,
she also liked my poetry.
Poet, I knew it.
The camera does not lie.
Ah, I messed around
a little bit.
I really enjoyed it,
but my dad said it was stupid,
and that I had to focus
on baseball.
Yeah, so you spent hours
training, sacrificing.
All to make your father happy,
but no one ever asked
what made you happy.
This is spooky.
It's like you're right
inside here.
Quick, what animal
am I thinking of?
I'm not a psychic.
A meerkat.
We just talked about them.
Look, the point is,
baseball is only a small part
of who you are.
Yeah, exactly.
I wrote a bunch of poems
about breaking up
with my first girlfriend,
Ms. Nicholson.
My math teacher.
We had very different
high school experiences.
But I would love
to hear those poems.
Nah, nah.
It's embarrassing.
Oh, please, Murph,
this is a safe place.
I am zipping us into a tent
of unconditional
emotional support.
Go ahead, I'm listening.
Careful.
Oh, here you go.
Sorry for the delay.
Oh, no need to explain.
My manager insisted
I remake your sandwiches.
You're explaining.
And, apparently,
it comes out of my paycheck,
but that's okay.
Only three more hours
till I break even for today.
So don't feel the need to
over tip because we're friends.
Okay.
Or because I gave you
free onion rings.
No comps; that's coming
out of your paycheck.
Learning through failure!
My dad said poetry
was for losers.
He even threw my notebook
in the trash.
Interesting.
But I wasn't allowed to cry,
so I just kept hitting baseballs
harder and harder
and sleeping my way
through the female faculty.
Tragic. The young artist
has his dreams trampled. (gasps)
This is the book.
A scathing indictment
of our sports-obsessed society.
MURPHY:
Hey,
maybe I could put
my poems in it.
Brilliant idea.
Meet me in the kitchen!
What the hell is going on?
We've had a breakthrough.
Turns out Murph has many layers.
Oh, no, no, you dug.
I didn't dig.
You do like to dig.
Hey, I-I came up with
a great name for the book.
Verses Loaded.
Yeah, it's like bases loaded.
Just give it a second.
Murph, the reason the publishers
keep asking me to write
books like this is because
I know exactly what they want.
They want a book
about an athlete,
not about some poem guy.
Or poet.
So you think my poetry's stupid?
It's your father all over again.
You know what, Oscar?
I'm really excited about this.
It's my chance to show the world
who I really am,
but if you don't want
to do it, fine.
I-I already have plenty
of money.
Well, I don't, so we need
to write the book
or you need to give me some
of your money.
Now, now, I'm sure
that we can find a compromise.
Murph just wants to honor
the yearning soul
beneath the jersey.
Wait a second.
Felix, you got to write this
with us.
Ooh, that's trouble.
What's happening?
Oh, no, no, Murph,
I couldn't;
Oscar's the writer.
Thank you.
But I could sit and look
over his shoulder
and edit as we go.
Great! It's settled.
What is happening?
Oh, wow.
First two writers, now three.
This book is gonna be
twice as good.
Oh, that math teacher screwed
him in more ways than one.
Oscar, I can tell by
your nostrils that you're angry.
You need to check out that vein
in his neck.
I only have 36 hours
to turn in this book.
And I won't get in the way.
I will just be a supportive,
unobtrusive presence.
Oh, Dani, look at that.
Very good.
You know what?
Now I'm thinking
poppy seeds.
They're elusive little
devils, so I will get you
the small tweezers.
You know,
people fall off terraces.
Happens every day.
All right, here we go.
Before we begin,
I'd like to ask everyone
to take a knee.
Lord, as we begin this project,
give us clear heads
and fast fingers
to help us write goodly.
Amen.
Amen.
God help me.
Huh. Look at us.
The dream team.
Yes, very exciting.
Now let's get started.
Chapter one.
"My name is Marcus Murphy."
That's true. That's right.
I like it.
I like it, too.
I wish I loved it.
What would make you love it?
Oh, I don't know.
Let's just try it out
for a minute, bat
a few ideas around.
"My name is Marcus Murphy."
"Marcus Murphy is my name."
"They call me Marcus Murphy."
"I'm Murphy. Marcus Murphy."
You know what?
Sometimes the muse just teases.
What we have is good.
"For as long as
I can remember,
my family was
into sports."
Same here.
You're being me.
I got it.
"When I first picked up
a baseball,
I knew I was home."
Felix, I can feel your ear.
I need to be able
to see the pad.
What have we
got so far?
(high-pitched whirring)
(whirring)
Oscar! Oscar!
Oscar!
Oscar, you could have
killed someone.
Yes, but I chose
to do this instead.
"It was down
to the final stretch.
"Time to rally
for one last push.
"And my mother pushed
with all her might,
and I came into
this world."
Oh. Awesome!
We did it!
Yes, you were born.
Now we just have
to wait 20 years
till the part people care about.
Ooh, I am beat.
I'm gonna head home,
take a nap,
maybe enjoy the company
of a young lady.
Which young lady?
Oh, it's ten blocks.
There'll be someone
along the way.
And then, I'm gonna bring back
some of my poems.
Great. We can figure out
where to insert them.
Are you open to suggestions?
Well, it's a collaborative...
Oh, I just got that.
(clears his throat)
All right,
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Felix, you keep
this guy on track.
Oh, you bet. I will
crack the whip.
(imitates
cracking whip)
(laughing)
(Oscar laughs)
(laughing)
Ha, ha, ha. I'm
gonna kill you.
Oscar, he wanted me.
I didn't ask for this.
That's exactly what you did.
You dug, and you broke Murph,
and you ruined what
was supposed to be
a perfectly nice
book about baseball.
Why are you so afraid to write
about anything with real depth?
Why must you only
skim the surface?
Because I like the
surface. It's pleasant.
It's pleasant, or is it safe?
What's so scary down there?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Because it's keeping you
from fulfilling your potential.
No, no, no.
You stay out of me!
When we were in college,
you wanted
to be a great sports journalist.
You wanted to win a Pulitzer.
I remember because
I was the one who told you
it's not pronounced Poo-litzer.
I was a kid.
I had lots of dreams.
I wanted to touch
a Lakers Girl's boob.
It is never too late to
dust off those dreams.
You know what you need?
A visit to
the emotional
support tent.
Oscar, what are you doing?
I'm locking you in.
Oscar, let me out!
You know that I'm bound
by the laws of mime!
You got to finish
this book, Oscar.
Oh, what's the point?
I'm a failure.
I'm a hack.
Even so...
But it's due tomorrow,
and you barely even started.
Yeah, and I realized, that's
my way of protecting myself.
I get to say I didn't have time
to write a great book,
rather than
finding out I can't.
Even so...
(phone chimes)
Ah, that's my snack alert.
My one solid food a day.
(laughs)
Come here, baby.
(laughing)
Mmm. It needs something.
Like being wrapped in bacon,
sitting on a donut.
Mmm. Mmm.
Emily, can I get
a drink here?
Oh, sure.
I'm not a bartender,
but what the heck.
I'm learning all sorts
of new things today.
Like day-old bread
makes great croutons,
and rats don't die right away
in those traps.
Oscar.
Go away.
Stay out
of my moneymaker's brain.
Sorry, Teddy.
It must be tough for you,
knowing
that your livelihood depends
on another person's
fragile creativity.
I wouldn't be surprised
if under all that anger
was a little bit of fear.
(Teddy laughs)
Oh, good luck getting in here.
My wife has been
trying for years,
and she's not
even in the lobby.
I'm gonna call the publisher and
see if I can buy us some time.
How'd you get out of the tent?
I'm sorry, Oscar.
This is all my fault.
You know, I always thought
that I'd write a book
that would make people
see sports differently,
like Moneyball or Seabiscuit.
But instead,
I'm cranking out a book
about a guy
who has two talents--
catching baseballs
and not catching chlamydia.
I wasn't trying to upset you.
I honestly thought
I was being helpful.
It's funny, you live in denial
for so long,
you can't see the sad truth
about yourself
until someone shoves it
in your face.
DANI:
I did it, Felix.
At first I thought you were
crazy for being so picky,
but now I see how all those
details make a difference.
What?
Oh, for God's sake,
what is wrong now?
Are the seeds
too close together?
Is the lettuce
too emotionally available?
No, it's a hamburger, all right.
I'm going
to take a picture of it,
because that's what I do.
I take pictures of hamburgers.
You know, when
I was in college,
I dreamed of being Annie
Leibovitz or Richard Avedon,
photographing the
essence of humanity.
And now,
I make fast food look good
so Americans can get fatter.
I am not an artist.
I am a merchant of death!
I'll leave my time sheet
on your desk.
Felix, can I get you anything?
I'll have what he's having.
An existential crisis.
Is that one
of those fancy drinks?
It's only my first day.
No, Emily, it's when the reality
of your life crashes
into the dreams of your youth.
Hey, I have an idea.
Why don't you both...
(loudly):
shut up?!
I beg your pardon?
"Waa, waa, waa.
I'm not as famous
as some famous person."
"Waa, waa, Seabiscuit."
Do you guys realize
how lucky you are?
You get paid
to do what you love.
Look at me.
Instead of designing jewelry,
I've spent the day
scrubbing toilets
and putting out
a grease fire.
Which I started,
but that is not the point!
Wow. Emily, thank you
for your bracing honesty.
We really lost perspective
there, right, Oscar?
Well, that's not the way I said
"Seabiscuit," but, yeah.
And, Emily, we
believe in you.
All of this-- this is just part
of your journey.
Yeah, all this struggle is going
to make you a better artist.
Huh.
I never thought of it that way.
Thank you.
Well, onward and upward.
(laughs)
Go get 'em.
God, her life
is a train wreck.
Ooh.
(sighs)
Hey, well, I had to beg,
but I bought us
a couple of days.
All right, I'm gonna go upstairs
and write that book.
All right, so
you're done playing
Midlife Crisis:
White People Edition?
Wow. Look who turns into
Chris Rock when he's hungry.
See, I can make race jokes, too.
No, you can't.
No, I can't.
Yeah.
While you are writing, Oscar,
I will gratefully
rededicate myself
to the art of
food-tography.
TEDDY: Mmm.
Teddy, no!
Screw this diet.
I'm starving.
That's not food. It's cardboard
and hairspray and paint.
I don't care.
Oh, there you are.
I just finished setting up.
Hey!
Don't feel obligated
to buy anything.
Felix thought Emily's business
could use a little boost,
and he said it right in front
of me, so I had to agree.
Hey!
Hi.
I think
I will take this tie clasp.
My ties have had a mind
of their own lately.
Yeah, I wasn't gonna
say anything.
Thank you, Felix.
That'll be $45.
So what about you, Oscar?
Does anything
catch your eye?
Yeah.
I think I'll take these
cuff links for my friend Murph.
Oh.
Oh. Those
are $600.
Guys don't buy
guys jewelry.
Oh, nothing like a good nap.
How long was I sleep?
About 30 hours.
Have you been
back there the whole time?
Yeah, I curled up
in the bathtub.
I like to sleep someplace
cocoon-like
to simulate the support I never
got from my mother, or my wife.
Want to dig
into that one?
No, I'm good.
Hey, Marcus Murphy, I got
both your sex tapes!
Oh, all right. Okay.
He was great.
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
Oh, yes. Yes. Oh, yes.
Oh, yes. Yeah,
that's it, that's it.
Almost there.
Oh, God, yes!
Yes...
that's the spot.
I thought I heard sex noises,
but this is equally disturbing.
I'm shooting an ad campaign
for a restaurant chain.
Wouldn't you like to try
this delicious sundae?
I'd love to.
You can't.
It's not edible--
it's a little bit
of food-styling trickery.
You see,
the ice cream is
actually just lard,
and the chocolate
sauce is motor oil.
Later, I have to dispose
of the sundae at Pep Boys.
This is so exciting.
I love learning
all the little behind-the-scenes
tricks.
If you really find
it interesting, I
could use some help.
I have some money in the budget.
Do you think Oscar
could spare his assistant
for the day?
This is actually my day off.
I'm just here
for the free Wi-Fi.
Great! You can help me
with the hamburger photo.
Oh.
Step one: select
the perfect bun.
Now, our featured bun
must be perfectly symmetrical
with a golden crust.
Okay.
It doesn't shy away
from attention, but it knows
it's not the center
of the sandwich.
Got it. Oh!
It's the kind of bun
that's comfortable at a bar,
or a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm done.
Yeah, you can talk all you
want-- you're paying me.
That I am.
Good luck.
Oh!
Oh, gentlemen.
Welcome home.
How was
Atlantic City?
It was all kind of a blur.
Lots of drinking and gambling
and bouncers shouting,
"No touching!"
When I drink bourbon, I like
to touch people's... teeth.
At least you
got to drink.
This juice cleanse
is killing me.
It's killing all of us--
you smell like a hamster cage.
All right, Oscar, it's time
for me to be your agent again.
You had your fun,
but now it's time to...
Drink beer in my underwear?
Sit your ass down
and start writing that book.
Wow, I wasn't even close.
Oscar, you're writing
another book? That's wonderful.
Oh, it's no big deal--
I'm just ghostwriting
this autobiography
for a retired baseball player.
I just crank 'em out
and make some fast cash.
Oh, yeah,
he does work fast.
He goes through those books
like seaweed
through a human colon.
I miss solid food so much.
Yeah, I could use a nap.
Do you mind if I crash here?
My wife thinks I'm still
in Atlantic City, and...
I'd like to keep it that way.
I'm gonna be kind of busy, Roy.
Yeah, okay. You know, I can...
I can just sleep in the park.
Yeah.
At the park,
no one nags you,
or says they've lost
all sexual desire
because your body feels,
quote, "like a bag of wet sand
dipped in hair."
Take a nap here, Roy.
All right.
Your friend drops
an emotional bomb like that
and you just let him walk away?
That's the polite
thing to do.
Absolutely.
Can't you see,
he's got some
deep-seated feelings
that need to be dug into.
No, no, no, no. Don't dig.
You always do that.
What are you talking about?
You treat every conversation
like it's therapy.
You root around
people's heads
and get them
all mixed up.
(chuckles):
18 therapists
in 15 years--
I think I know
a little bit
about psychology.
Not everybody wants
to share the painful
details of their lives.
Oh, really?
Heard of Facebook?
I found the perfect buns.
I thought it was your day off?
I'm helping Felix
with a project.
Ah, yes, Dani, very nice.
I like this one.
Now we just have
to modulate
the clumping
of these sesame seeds.
Why have they all
congregated over here?
What do these seeds know
that these seeds don't know?
I will get you tweezers.
And I will get you pliers
to remove the stick
from his ass.
There he is.
Hey, Murph.
I see you brought
some writing juice.
Yeah. Sorry I'm late.
This girl recognized me
at the liquor store.
Guess she's a big baseball fan.
So I had to stop and do the
whole polite meet a fan thing.
You slept with her.
Yeah.
Marcus Murphy does not
kiss and tell.
Well, she does.
It's trending on Twitter.
"Made it to home base
with Marcus Murphy.
#bestsexever #majorleaguepenis."
Hey, it was a team effort.
We're all just out there trying
to have the best sex we can.
Or any sex we can.
So, how's our book coming?
Great. I haven't
started it yet,
but I know everything there is
to know about your career.
Seven all-star teams,
three Gold Gloves,
two sex tapes;
both went platinum.
Yeah.
I can't take all the credit.
Those girls showed
a lot of hustle.
Just passing through. Hello.
Pretend I'm not here.
Murph, this is Felix.
He's not here.
What are you, some kind
of photographer?
Hmm, technically, I am many
kinds of photographer.
Currently, I am doing
some commercial work.
Although, my first love
is portraiture,
or as I call it,
illuminating the soul.
He's gonna keep talking as long
as you keep making eye contact.
Yes, any portrait can tell you
what a person looks like,
but by manipulating color
and light and shadow,
I can tell you who a person is.
Whoa. Whoa, hey, Oscar,
don't we need a picture
of me for the book flap?
I'm thinking casual setting,
natural light.
Felix, I have a deadline.
I can't keep wasting time.
(phone chimes)
I've got work to do.
Oh, there's my lunch.
All right,
you guys have ten minutes.
Oh, no,
I've got to call my bookie.
You guys have 20 minutes!
Just see what
I'm working with here.
Oh, yes, yes.
Structure's good. Okay.
Photoshop will take care of that
little scar on the earlobe.
How can you see that?
It's so tiny.
Oh, as a professional,
I'm trained to notice
the most minute detail.
In fact, tell whoever
gave you that hickey
she's got a loose crown.
Pickup for Madison.
Oh, hey, neighbor.
I thought this might be for you.
Yep.
I'm sure you're wondering
why I got a job here.
Not really.
Well, my jewelry business
hasn't really taken off yet.
You know, it started
as just a-a hobby,
something I did for "mad money."
But now I need to make
"rent money,"
so... (chuckles) look at me!
I'm a working girl.
Scrappy working girl
in the city.
Plus, it's free advertising
for my designs.
So it's all good.
No, it's all great.
I'm sorry, what did you ask?
I didn't.
Oh.
Oh, I forgot your utensils.
I will be right back.
Oh!
Living the dream.
(shutter clicking)
Yeah, that's it, that's it.
Back straight, chin out,
like a proud meerkat.
Yes, yes.
Who's that coming?
Oh, it's my friend the gazelle.
Yeah?
Huh, that is
an interesting expression.
Uh, sorry, I just don't know
what a gazelle looks like,
so I'm picturing a skinny moose.
No, it's not that.
It just, it looks like
you're pondering something.
I guess I'm thinking
about the book.
What about it?
I don't know.
It just seems so weird
to have your whole life
boiled down to stats
and game scores.
Yes.
Interesting.
Anyone ever tell you
that you have unexpected depth?
My English teacher, Ms. Russell,
said something like that
in high school.
At first, I thought she was just
trying to get into my pants,
but it turns out,
she also liked my poetry.
Poet, I knew it.
The camera does not lie.
Ah, I messed around
a little bit.
I really enjoyed it,
but my dad said it was stupid,
and that I had to focus
on baseball.
Yeah, so you spent hours
training, sacrificing.
All to make your father happy,
but no one ever asked
what made you happy.
This is spooky.
It's like you're right
inside here.
Quick, what animal
am I thinking of?
I'm not a psychic.
A meerkat.
We just talked about them.
Look, the point is,
baseball is only a small part
of who you are.
Yeah, exactly.
I wrote a bunch of poems
about breaking up
with my first girlfriend,
Ms. Nicholson.
My math teacher.
We had very different
high school experiences.
But I would love
to hear those poems.
Nah, nah.
It's embarrassing.
Oh, please, Murph,
this is a safe place.
I am zipping us into a tent
of unconditional
emotional support.
Go ahead, I'm listening.
Careful.
Oh, here you go.
Sorry for the delay.
Oh, no need to explain.
My manager insisted
I remake your sandwiches.
You're explaining.
And, apparently,
it comes out of my paycheck,
but that's okay.
Only three more hours
till I break even for today.
So don't feel the need to
over tip because we're friends.
Okay.
Or because I gave you
free onion rings.
No comps; that's coming
out of your paycheck.
Learning through failure!
My dad said poetry
was for losers.
He even threw my notebook
in the trash.
Interesting.
But I wasn't allowed to cry,
so I just kept hitting baseballs
harder and harder
and sleeping my way
through the female faculty.
Tragic. The young artist
has his dreams trampled. (gasps)
This is the book.
A scathing indictment
of our sports-obsessed society.
MURPHY:
Hey,
maybe I could put
my poems in it.
Brilliant idea.
Meet me in the kitchen!
What the hell is going on?
We've had a breakthrough.
Turns out Murph has many layers.
Oh, no, no, you dug.
I didn't dig.
You do like to dig.
Hey, I-I came up with
a great name for the book.
Verses Loaded.
Yeah, it's like bases loaded.
Just give it a second.
Murph, the reason the publishers
keep asking me to write
books like this is because
I know exactly what they want.
They want a book
about an athlete,
not about some poem guy.
Or poet.
So you think my poetry's stupid?
It's your father all over again.
You know what, Oscar?
I'm really excited about this.
It's my chance to show the world
who I really am,
but if you don't want
to do it, fine.
I-I already have plenty
of money.
Well, I don't, so we need
to write the book
or you need to give me some
of your money.
Now, now, I'm sure
that we can find a compromise.
Murph just wants to honor
the yearning soul
beneath the jersey.
Wait a second.
Felix, you got to write this
with us.
Ooh, that's trouble.
What's happening?
Oh, no, no, Murph,
I couldn't;
Oscar's the writer.
Thank you.
But I could sit and look
over his shoulder
and edit as we go.
Great! It's settled.
What is happening?
Oh, wow.
First two writers, now three.
This book is gonna be
twice as good.
Oh, that math teacher screwed
him in more ways than one.
Oscar, I can tell by
your nostrils that you're angry.
You need to check out that vein
in his neck.
I only have 36 hours
to turn in this book.
And I won't get in the way.
I will just be a supportive,
unobtrusive presence.
Oh, Dani, look at that.
Very good.
You know what?
Now I'm thinking
poppy seeds.
They're elusive little
devils, so I will get you
the small tweezers.
You know,
people fall off terraces.
Happens every day.
All right, here we go.
Before we begin,
I'd like to ask everyone
to take a knee.
Lord, as we begin this project,
give us clear heads
and fast fingers
to help us write goodly.
Amen.
Amen.
God help me.
Huh. Look at us.
The dream team.
Yes, very exciting.
Now let's get started.
Chapter one.
"My name is Marcus Murphy."
That's true. That's right.
I like it.
I like it, too.
I wish I loved it.
What would make you love it?
Oh, I don't know.
Let's just try it out
for a minute, bat
a few ideas around.
"My name is Marcus Murphy."
"Marcus Murphy is my name."
"They call me Marcus Murphy."
"I'm Murphy. Marcus Murphy."
You know what?
Sometimes the muse just teases.
What we have is good.
"For as long as
I can remember,
my family was
into sports."
Same here.
You're being me.
I got it.
"When I first picked up
a baseball,
I knew I was home."
Felix, I can feel your ear.
I need to be able
to see the pad.
What have we
got so far?
(high-pitched whirring)
(whirring)
Oscar! Oscar!
Oscar!
Oscar, you could have
killed someone.
Yes, but I chose
to do this instead.
"It was down
to the final stretch.
"Time to rally
for one last push.
"And my mother pushed
with all her might,
and I came into
this world."
Oh. Awesome!
We did it!
Yes, you were born.
Now we just have
to wait 20 years
till the part people care about.
Ooh, I am beat.
I'm gonna head home,
take a nap,
maybe enjoy the company
of a young lady.
Which young lady?
Oh, it's ten blocks.
There'll be someone
along the way.
And then, I'm gonna bring back
some of my poems.
Great. We can figure out
where to insert them.
Are you open to suggestions?
Well, it's a collaborative...
Oh, I just got that.
(clears his throat)
All right,
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Felix, you keep
this guy on track.
Oh, you bet. I will
crack the whip.
(imitates
cracking whip)
(laughing)
(Oscar laughs)
(laughing)
Ha, ha, ha. I'm
gonna kill you.
Oscar, he wanted me.
I didn't ask for this.
That's exactly what you did.
You dug, and you broke Murph,
and you ruined what
was supposed to be
a perfectly nice
book about baseball.
Why are you so afraid to write
about anything with real depth?
Why must you only
skim the surface?
Because I like the
surface. It's pleasant.
It's pleasant, or is it safe?
What's so scary down there?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
Because it's keeping you
from fulfilling your potential.
No, no, no.
You stay out of me!
When we were in college,
you wanted
to be a great sports journalist.
You wanted to win a Pulitzer.
I remember because
I was the one who told you
it's not pronounced Poo-litzer.
I was a kid.
I had lots of dreams.
I wanted to touch
a Lakers Girl's boob.
It is never too late to
dust off those dreams.
You know what you need?
A visit to
the emotional
support tent.
Oscar, what are you doing?
I'm locking you in.
Oscar, let me out!
You know that I'm bound
by the laws of mime!
You got to finish
this book, Oscar.
Oh, what's the point?
I'm a failure.
I'm a hack.
Even so...
But it's due tomorrow,
and you barely even started.
Yeah, and I realized, that's
my way of protecting myself.
I get to say I didn't have time
to write a great book,
rather than
finding out I can't.
Even so...
(phone chimes)
Ah, that's my snack alert.
My one solid food a day.
(laughs)
Come here, baby.
(laughing)
Mmm. It needs something.
Like being wrapped in bacon,
sitting on a donut.
Mmm. Mmm.
Emily, can I get
a drink here?
Oh, sure.
I'm not a bartender,
but what the heck.
I'm learning all sorts
of new things today.
Like day-old bread
makes great croutons,
and rats don't die right away
in those traps.
Oscar.
Go away.
Stay out
of my moneymaker's brain.
Sorry, Teddy.
It must be tough for you,
knowing
that your livelihood depends
on another person's
fragile creativity.
I wouldn't be surprised
if under all that anger
was a little bit of fear.
(Teddy laughs)
Oh, good luck getting in here.
My wife has been
trying for years,
and she's not
even in the lobby.
I'm gonna call the publisher and
see if I can buy us some time.
How'd you get out of the tent?
I'm sorry, Oscar.
This is all my fault.
You know, I always thought
that I'd write a book
that would make people
see sports differently,
like Moneyball or Seabiscuit.
But instead,
I'm cranking out a book
about a guy
who has two talents--
catching baseballs
and not catching chlamydia.
I wasn't trying to upset you.
I honestly thought
I was being helpful.
It's funny, you live in denial
for so long,
you can't see the sad truth
about yourself
until someone shoves it
in your face.
DANI:
I did it, Felix.
At first I thought you were
crazy for being so picky,
but now I see how all those
details make a difference.
What?
Oh, for God's sake,
what is wrong now?
Are the seeds
too close together?
Is the lettuce
too emotionally available?
No, it's a hamburger, all right.
I'm going
to take a picture of it,
because that's what I do.
I take pictures of hamburgers.
You know, when
I was in college,
I dreamed of being Annie
Leibovitz or Richard Avedon,
photographing the
essence of humanity.
And now,
I make fast food look good
so Americans can get fatter.
I am not an artist.
I am a merchant of death!
I'll leave my time sheet
on your desk.
Felix, can I get you anything?
I'll have what he's having.
An existential crisis.
Is that one
of those fancy drinks?
It's only my first day.
No, Emily, it's when the reality
of your life crashes
into the dreams of your youth.
Hey, I have an idea.
Why don't you both...
(loudly):
shut up?!
I beg your pardon?
"Waa, waa, waa.
I'm not as famous
as some famous person."
"Waa, waa, Seabiscuit."
Do you guys realize
how lucky you are?
You get paid
to do what you love.
Look at me.
Instead of designing jewelry,
I've spent the day
scrubbing toilets
and putting out
a grease fire.
Which I started,
but that is not the point!
Wow. Emily, thank you
for your bracing honesty.
We really lost perspective
there, right, Oscar?
Well, that's not the way I said
"Seabiscuit," but, yeah.
And, Emily, we
believe in you.
All of this-- this is just part
of your journey.
Yeah, all this struggle is going
to make you a better artist.
Huh.
I never thought of it that way.
Thank you.
Well, onward and upward.
(laughs)
Go get 'em.
God, her life
is a train wreck.
Ooh.
(sighs)
Hey, well, I had to beg,
but I bought us
a couple of days.
All right, I'm gonna go upstairs
and write that book.
All right, so
you're done playing
Midlife Crisis:
White People Edition?
Wow. Look who turns into
Chris Rock when he's hungry.
See, I can make race jokes, too.
No, you can't.
No, I can't.
Yeah.
While you are writing, Oscar,
I will gratefully
rededicate myself
to the art of
food-tography.
TEDDY: Mmm.
Teddy, no!
Screw this diet.
I'm starving.
That's not food. It's cardboard
and hairspray and paint.
I don't care.
Oh, there you are.
I just finished setting up.
Hey!
Don't feel obligated
to buy anything.
Felix thought Emily's business
could use a little boost,
and he said it right in front
of me, so I had to agree.
Hey!
Hi.
I think
I will take this tie clasp.
My ties have had a mind
of their own lately.
Yeah, I wasn't gonna
say anything.
Thank you, Felix.
That'll be $45.
So what about you, Oscar?
Does anything
catch your eye?
Yeah.
I think I'll take these
cuff links for my friend Murph.
Oh.
Oh. Those
are $600.
Guys don't buy
guys jewelry.
Oh, nothing like a good nap.
How long was I sleep?
About 30 hours.
Have you been
back there the whole time?
Yeah, I curled up
in the bathtub.
I like to sleep someplace
cocoon-like
to simulate the support I never
got from my mother, or my wife.
Want to dig
into that one?
No, I'm good.
Hey, Marcus Murphy, I got
both your sex tapes!
Oh, all right. Okay.
He was great.
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