The Odd Couple (2015–2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

MAN (over phone):
You actually think the Mets
have a shot this year?

You're an idiot, Madison.
I'm an idiot?

You waited on hold
for an hour and ten minutes

just for me to hang up
on you mid-sentence.

What are you
talking about? You...

Never gets old.

Well, it looks like

we're out of time.

I'm Oscar Madison.

Thanks for listening.

Another great show.



Yep, another show.

God, I love working

from my apartment.

Yeah, it's a treat for us all.

I confirmed your
interview with Kobe...

Please.

...I told your ex-wife to wait
a day before cashing the check,

and I told your bookie
you're dead.

Thank you, Dani. You're
the world's greatest assistant.

Now, get out.

Hot Casey

from downstairs
might be stopping by.

So you moved from flirting
in the elevator

to an actual date?
Sort of.



I sneaked some of my mail
into her mailbox

to force her
to come by the apartment.

Aw. All the great
romances start

with the words
"sneak" and "forced."

See you tomorrow.

(doorbell rings)

Hello, Oscar Madison.
Casey!

What brings you here?

Um, some of your mail

mysteriously found its way
into my mailbox.

What?!
What?!

Oh, yeah, Sportscasters
Hall of Fame.

Mm-hmm.
That's me.

Hmm.
I don't like to
talk about it,

but I'm in the
Sportscasters Hall of Fame.

So what's the next step
of this little mail trick?

I don't know. I've never
gotten this far before.

Can I offer you a drink?

Sure. Why not?

Wow. So this is where
the garbage chute goes.

(doorbell rings)

Let me guess,

another neighbor with your mail.

No. You are the only woman
in the building

I'm stalking, I promise.

Aw.

Hello, Oscar.

Felix! What a surprise.

Casey, this is my old
friend Felix Unger.

Hi.
I'm sorry.

Is this...
this is a bad time?

No, it's a good time,
about to be a great time,

so yes, it's a bad time.

Unless this is
a major crisis.

(choked up):
Ashley kicked me out.

She wants a divorce.

20 years of marriage,
and I have nothing.

And that feels like a
major crisis to you?

I should have called.

No, no, don't be
ridiculous. Casey,

can we have that drink
some other time?

Of course.

Um, I'm so sorry, Felix.

Stay strong.

I'm trying.

But the pain
comes in waves.

Surf's up!

Oh, Oscar,

I... I'm sorry
I ruined your date.

I just... I just didn't know
who else to turn to.

No, no, it's okay.
I know divorce is brutal.

But it gets better,
buddy, trust me.

This is better?

Well, when Gaby left,
she took the maid.

Are you sure?
I think I saw something moving

under that pile.

You know what?
Let's get out of here.

We'll go eat something, and
you can tell me the whole story.

I can't tell you how much
it means to have some...

(honking, snorting)

(groans)

(panting)

What the hell are you doing?

(groans)

Sorry, it's my sinuses.
I've got...

(honks)

(groans)
I must be allergic to something.

Well, my neighbor
has a cat.

Yes, I'm sure that's it.

Do I look like I've been crying?

No, you look
like you are crying.

You're right,
I need to man up and be strong

to survive
this trial separation.

Trial separation? You were in
couples therapy for eight years,

and the last year you were
the only one who was going.

This is nice, Oscar.
I've missed you.

I'm... I'm sorry I haven't been
around much the last year,

but it's just weird with our
wives being such good friends.

No, I know. Your wife
hated me after the divorce.

(chuckles): Oh, no, she hated
you before the divorce.

After... look out!

Still, I should have been there
to help you with your pain.

What pain? The day
we signed the papers,

I threw myself
a two-day party.

I woke up covered
in bubble wrap.

A stripper had
to pop me out.

One bubble at a time.

A little bit of food
on your mouth.

Now it's on your hand.

Where will it go next?

Felix, I'm just saying divorce
is not the end of the world.

Oscar, Oscar, I told you,
it's a trial separation.

Any minute now,
this phone is going to ring,

and it's going to be...

(phone chimes)

...Ashley.

No.

Just an allergy alert.

But good news:

the pollen level has dropped
to a 2.3, so the mask...

stays in my pocket.

Wow, and she left you.

I'm telling you, buddy,
being single together

is gonna be like college
all over again.

Remember that insane party
at the Theta Phi house?

That was the night that I knew
we were going to be friends.

Those guys were
giving me a rough time

about my Pep Squad
uniform, and you said,

"Leave him alone!
He's all right!"

Actually, I think I said,
"He's our ride."

But we had a great night,

and we'll have a lot
more because we're free.

I don't want to be free.

Give it time.

Look at this place.
You are now single

in the greatest
city in the world.

This town is teeming
with women.

(car horn honks)

WOMAN: Hey! Move it, you
jackasses!

See? There's one.

Maybe not the one.

Well, thank you
for tonight, Oscar,

but it's getting late, and I
really should find a hotel.

Oh, don't be silly.
You'll stay with me.

Really? I wouldn't
want to impose.

Are you kidding?
We'll have fun.

Oh, thank you, Oscar.

You're a good friend.

I promise, you won't
even know I'm there.

Oscar! Welcome home.
Great news.

I managed to save the ficus
out on the terrace.

Sadly, the same cannot
be said for whatever

was growing at the bottom
of your laundry hamper.

Now, then, take off
those sneakers,

grab some booties
from the bootie basket,

and wash up for dinner.

I won't tell you
what we're having...

but dirty fingers
are a fon-don't.

I have a laundry hamper?

Oh, yeah, this is nice.
I'm gonna get

a couple of these...
(mumbling)

Mm-hmm.

Teddy, are you filming
my sports ticker?

And your ten TVs.

The next time my wife
tells me I'm spending money

like an idiot, I'm
gonna show her this.

You know what?
You should get a sports wall.

You're my agent; tell Diane
you need one for work.

(laughs)
Oh, Oscar.

You get a wife or a wall--
no man gets both.

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Roy.
Put your booties on.

What?

What the hell happened in here?

Felix the hell happened in here.

You remember Felix;
he came to poker that time

and cleaned the cards.

While we were still playing.

ROY:
Oh. Right.

Yeah, my hands smelled
like ammonia.

My wife thought I was having
an affair with our maid.

Like I could get her.

I am starving.

When is our pizza getting here?

It's not.
Felix insisted on cooking.

Hey, Felix!
How's the food coming?

I'm just plating it.

Roy, always a
pleasure. Teddy,

if you have to smoke that
cigar, please turn on

the air purifier.
(bell dings)

Oh. Gentlemen...

start your taste buds.

I'm developing a little theory
about why his wife wasn't happy.

He's not gay.

Are you sure?
He seems a little gay.

No, he seems incredibly gay,
but he's not.

Ah.

That's a shame. I always
wanted to have a gay friend.

You know, to just
seem more evolved.

You already have a black friend;
what are you trying to prove?

FELIX: Teddy, I don't
hear that air purifier!

Oscar, where have you
been hiding this guy?

And can we shove
him back in there?

I wish. We've been friends
for years, but I didn't know

what it'd be like
to live with him.

I'm starting to think
I made a mistake.

(snaps fingers)
Gazpacho time!

A horrible,
horrible mistake.

Dig in, boys.
It's a vegan feast.

Try one of the meat-free
chicken wings.

If a chicken had no meat,

it would just fall down
to the ground.

There's no meat in any of this?
Not even the meatballs?

(mouth full):
No. No, there is not.

(groans)

Well, I just thought,
with Oscar's high cholesterol...

How do you know my
cholesterol is high?

Based on those pills
in your medicine cabinet.

You went into my
medicine cabinet?

How else would I put down
shelf paper?

Teddy, I've warned you, twice.

Hey! That's my beer!

You could have put that
in the gazpacho.

Come on, Roy, let's watch
the game at my place.

See you, Oscar.

Oh, guys, don't leave.

We can go without cigars for
one night. We'll live longer.

You've met my wife;
why would I want to live longer?

Where are the guys?
Did they leave?

They didn't leave, they fled,
to a place called Nofelixstan!

Well, that's the last time
I cook for your friends.

(singsongy):
Thank God I bought Tupperware.

Felix, I'm trying
to remain calm here,

because I know
you can't help yourself.

Clearly, you were sent from
your planet to tidy up ours.

But you have to stop.
Stop what?

Everything--
the nagging, the cleaning,

the food-free food, the...

gazpacho time!

So, in other words,
I'm getting on your nerves.

Not in other words;
those are the perfect ones!

Come here.

Take a look at what you did
to my sports ticker.

"We're out of
corn flakes-- F.U."

"Pick up your socks-- F.U."

It took me two days to figure
out that F.U. was Felix Unger!

Well, I've got something
to get off of my chest, too.

When I was at the lowest point
in my life, you took me in,

you showed me the true
nature of friendship,

and I will never
forget that!

What the hell was that?
You don't even know

how to fight right!

That said, it is no picnic

living with an inconsiderate
slob who is so lazy

that his idea
of multitasking

is peeing in the shower!

Have you been watching me?

Yes, I have been watching you,
and you know what I see?

A man who is marinating
in sex and booze and filth

because he can't admit
how much he misses his wife.

You, sir, are in denial!

Oh, I'm in denial,
Mr. Trial Separation?

At least I admit
that Gaby's not coming back,

instead of thinking
that Ashley's just gonna

magically change her mind.

(phone chimes)

Oh, I'm sorry.
Look who just texted me.

Does that say "Ashley"
or is it magic?

Please tell me
she's taking you back.

Oh, it's a phone number.

For a lawyer.

Who will be representing
her in our divorce.

Aw, I'm... I'm sorry, buddy.

Well, look at me.

Rock-bottom and I am
still standing on my feet.

(doorbell rings)

Nope, trapdoor!
Here comes the abyss!

(crying)

Hey, Casey. What's up?

Hey, I got your message.

I can't do dinner tomorrow.

I promised I'd hang out
with my sister.

Well, bring her along.

I'll bring Felix. We can double.

Uh, I can't do that to Felix.

Emily's going through
a tough time.

She can get so emotional
and high-strung.

(sobbing):
Why?!

Why?!

So you want to say 7:00?
It's a date.

Great.

(playing somber song)

I'm sorry.
Is this bothering you?

I'd choose a piece
more to your liking,

but it's hard
to play porn on a cello.

Felix, I'm sorry
about last night.

Let's start over.
Let me take you out to dinner.

Really?
Yeah, just you and me.

(doorbell rings)
And Casey and her sister.

A date? I'm not
ready to date.

Well, get ready
because they're here.

And if you back out now,
it'll be rude.

And if I know Felix Unger,
he's never rude.

Damn you.

Just do me a favor
and don't cry in front of Casey

and kill the mood.

Casey, welcome.
Where's your sister?

She's right... Get in here.

Hi, you must be Emily.

I am Emily. And, yes,
we came from the same gene pool.

Thanks, nature.

Hi, you must be Felix.

A pleasure.

Well, you seem very nice,

but just so you know,
I'm only here

because my sister wanted me
to get out more.

Well, I'm only here because
my wife wanted me to get out.

Look at you two, hitting it off.
I'll go make us some drinks.

Good idea.
I'll give you a hand.

Great.

I can't stay out late.

I was up all night
with an ear infection.

Understood.

Sinuses.

Well, if you need
a specialist,

I've got a great guy
on West 58th.

Dr. Marshall?

Oh, my God,
do you go to him?

Are you kidding me? This nose
bought him his summer home.

Look, Oscar,
I really do like you...

Ooh, never a good start
to a conversation.

So...

let me be honest with you.

Getting worse.

I have a busy career.

I just broke up with a guy who
was super needy and emotional,

and I live with my sister, who
is super needy and emotional,

and I can't break up with her,

so all I'm looking
for right now is...

Friendship.
Sex.

I'd like to change my answer.

It's just, that's all
I can handle right now.

I will not give you more
than you can handle.

I'd like to change
my answer again, please.

(talking quietly)

Felix was just telling me
about the end of his marriage.

Oh, that's fun.

What are you doing?

She asked.
She's divorced, too.

Yeah, six months.

So, this is
my ex-husband, Brandon.

Mm. I see you like them
rugged and handsome.

Turns out, so did Brandon.

Do you have
any pictures of Ashley?

Do I have pictures? Are you
kidding? I'm a photographer.

I have an entire slideshow
set to the music of Enya.

Oh.

Pictures of Ashley?
Are you crazy?

You trying to make
yourself cry?

Oh, please.
Give me some credit.

Don't you dare ruin this for
me and that beautiful girl...

Where did she go?

I knew it was
too good to be true.

Where's Casey?

Oh. She's in the bathroom
throwing up.

(laughs):
I'm just kidding.

She is in the bathroom.

And she eats a lot
and still looks like that, so...

only two dots to connect here.

This is Ashley.
Lovely, isn't she?

She's very pretty.
Mm.

Aw, look at you two, walking
on the beach so happy.

Yeah, kicked off my shoes,

rolled up
my summer-weight slacks,

wrinkles be damned.
(chuckles)

And who's this?

That is Oscar's ex-wife Gaby.

The four of us went
to Hawaii together.

Have you ever seen
these pictures?
No, I haven't.

And I don't need
to see them now.

Please put them away.
You know what,

I can actually
sync them up to the TV.

No syncing. Don't sync.
No syncing.

No sync... Oh, my good God!

Aw.

Oscar, you and your
wife look so happy.

Oh, oh, oh. Look, Oscar,
there's the seashell.

That's how Oscar proposed
to Gaby. Tell Emily the story.

Nothing to tell.

Oh, it-it's so romantic.

He wrote "Will you marry me?"
on a seashell.

No, I wrote
"Please let me make you happy

for the rest of your life"
and then hid it on the beach.

And there's Oscar telling us
they're engaged.

I must've walked her past
that seashell 20 times.

And then when she finally
saw it, it was all smudged,

so I had to read it to her.

And she just threw her arms
around me and...

It was a great day.

Aw, Oscar, look at you.

You're crying.

No, I'm not.

Oscar?

Hey, what's going on?

Uh, Oscar's getting
a little emotional.

He's thinking
about his ex-wife.

No, no, no, I'm not.

Um, I could use
another drink.

Em, come help me.

Are you kidding me?

All she wanted was sex
with no feeling.

That's my skill set!

Can't you see?
This is a good thing.

You're finally confronting
your emotions about Gaby.

There is a beautiful person
inside you.

Well, I was about to be
inside a beautiful person!

You're having
a major breakthrough.

Don't stop. Let it all out.

You know what, let me cue up
your wedding video.

No, give me that. Give me that.
No. So you can erase
my pictures? No. Never.

No. No. Sir.
Give me it. Give me
it. Give me it.

Oh, God.
The guy is looking

at pictures of his
ex-wife and crying.

Is this the most awkward
date you've ever been on?

Well, on our third anniversary,
Brandon made out with a busboy.

So... no.

(clattering)

FELIX:
Ah!

(gasps)

Oh, my God. What happened?

He told me to let go,
so I did.

With no warning, and I cracked
my head on the coffee table.

What's wrong with you?

Felix, are you okay?

I'm concussed.

I know I'm concussed.

Oh, you're fine.
Just walk it off.

I will. All the way to a hotel.

No, you are not staying
at a hotel.

Yeah, spend the night
with us.

What?! You're on a date with me
and he gets to spend the night?

Yeah, we will have a much
better time with just Felix.

(honking loudly)

If you think that sound stops
when he falls asleep,

it doesn't!

Hello, Oscar.
I just came for my things.

You look dreadful.

Well, I slept out here
last night. Look,

I like to make jokes and pretend
I'm happy my marriage ended,

but you were right.

I've just spent the last year
of my life distracting myself

from the truth, which is...

I miss Gaby.

And then you came along and...

I want somebody who cares
about when I take my vitamins.

F.U.

Well, I had two chardonnays
and a cherry Nyquil last night,

so I'm a bit
of a wreck myself.

But it dawned on me that you are
the second person in a week

to tell me that I am
impossible to live with.

So, if I don't want to spend
the rest of my life alone,

I think I might need someone to
teach me to loosen up a little.

Felix? Hey, we came
to see if you're okay.

Also, we can't find anything
in the kitchen

since you reorganized it.

It's not alphabetical,
it's by region.

I'm fine.

In fact, I think I'm gonna be
staying here with Oscar.

You are?

Yes. This is his home now.

Aw, I'm so happy for you guys.

(quietly):
Blink if you're being coerced.

I've got a great idea. Why don't
I make up for last night

and take you all out
for breakfast.

Thanks, Oscar.
Ooh.

I know this great place.
Best omelets in town.

Oh. Hi. I think some of
your mail ended up in my...

Not now, not now, not now.

Wow, that's a
lot of Lycra.

Not enough but a lot.

Just doing my daily yoga.

I find it really centers me.

Otherwise, I would be
an uptight basket case.

Care to join me?

No, I'm going out for a run.

Really?
Well, a beer run.

But I'm gonna
walk to the cab.

Oscar, as your roommate,
I'm putting you on notice.

I'm not just going
to purify your apartment,

but also your
body, your mind,

and your soul.

Thanks, buddy.

Here, hold that.

Oscar, is that coffee?
I just cleaned the rug!

Better not move.

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