The New Normal (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 3 - Baby Clothes - full transcript

If you learn nothing else
in life, just remember

you can never go wrong
with Dolce & Gabbana.

Their baby line is

almost as chic as
their little doggie line.

It's just so exciting to think
there's going to be

a baby in the world
with hopes and dreams

and swarovski crystals.

Are those baby clothes?

Bryan, we talked about this.

We agreed no buying
any baby things

until after
all the health tests.



I know. I was bad,
but it wasn't planned.

I mean, it just happened.
I got excited.

We were out for pinkberry.

I mean, obviously,
I'm lactose intolerant

but Shania here
begged me for some.

Anyway, next thing I know,

the kid here spots a baby store
and drags me inside.

It is a whole new
tiny fashion world out there.

I had no idea.

Supermodel, werk!

It's so gaga.

House of Lebeija!

You look ridiculous.

I mean, that baby model was



a perfect, like,
twelve-eight-twelve.

No buying any baby clothes

until after all the tests.

A mouse driving a car.

It's hilarious.

You are made of stone!

All this stuff needs to be returned.
Returned?

David, the salesgirl will think
we're poor.

Yeah? Well, you should have
thought of that

before you broke our agreement.

Can I keep this baby skirt?

It's so cute.
Of course. Sure.

Just take it before eeyore
makes us return everything.

So... this baby is going to be
the greatest thing

that ever happened
to us, right?

Mm-hmm.

It's our little miracle.

Absolutely.

So when can we start
enjoying it?

At about the 12-week mark.

That's when we run the fetal
nuchal translucency test,

or the nt.

Fnt. I just say nt. Quicker.

Well, after that, I can pull the
trigger on his/her canopy bed?

Uh, no, Bryan.
We're not out of the woods yet.

What's the test?

It's basically an ultrasound
that scans for downs syndrome.

They also look at the
amniotic fluid

for any other abnormalities

and they measure the baby.

And let's pray that he or she is
just slightly undersized,

'cause those Marc Jacobs
onesies run a tad small.

It'd be a shame if he or she got
shut out of that fall line.

Yes, that would be a shame.

So after the Marc Jacobs test,
then what?

Well, then we start to...

Well, there are many options.

There's the amnio
at 16 to 20 weeks,

the chorionic villus at 18,
but a lot of people are

doing that earlier now,
but I was thinking

just to be safe,
that we go ahead and schedule

the quadruple marker screener.
What's that?

I don't know.
Why don't you ask him?

Well, it's really
quite amazing.

What they do is
they take a blood sample

and they analyze
various hormones.

The results can detect
upwards of 85% of defects.

Defects? What kind of defects?

I'm shutting down.

Anything from spina bifida
to red hair.

Red hair?
Can we do that test now?

You know, I read online

that Judas was a redhead.

I don't trust any one of them.

Every time I see Reba McEntire,
I just want to shout,

"you killed my lord and savior."

You see a redhead walking
down the street

just go, "fire in the hole!
Fire in the hole!"

Um, I don't think

I did any of these tests
when I was pregnant with Shania.

I mean, my Nana was so ashamed,

for the first three months,
she took me to the veterinarian.

It's the Marc Jacobs test, the
amnio, the birth defect thing,

the red head scare, and then
we can have the joy?

Yes. Then we can have the joy.

It's a lot
to deal with, I know,

but really, all you need
to focus on now

is the ultrasound this Friday.

It's a big day. You're going
to hear your baby's heartbeat!

Of course, just because
you hear the heartbeat

doesn't mean that you're safe.

Nearly 25% of all pregnancies
end in miscarriage.

Butterscotch?

Yeah. Why not?

Hey. Can I sit
with you guys at lunch?

No. You're hideous.

Wait, is that
for a baby or something?

What? Uh, no.
It's a crop top,

like teenagers wear

and certain women
my dad hangs out with.

Then why is there
a pacifier on it?

Hey, shauna.

You want to sit next to me?

Thanks. It's Shania.

My mom's boyfriend
packed my lunch today.

He always gives me
leftover pizza.

If you sit with me,

you can eat my crusts.

You want me to
eat lunch with you?

Is this a prank?

'Cause no one here
is nice to me.

Why are you being nice to me?

I like your top.

I really like it.

I really wouldn't worry.

Only four percent
of the world's population

has red hair.
I know.

I just never considered
the possibility.

See you on "heartbeat Friday."
Bump! Bump!

Oh, Bryan! Shania said
some top you gave her

was so cool, it helped
her make a new friend.

Aww.
Aww.

You know what? I'm going to buy
her some more new clothes.

You guys have fun at lunch.
I'm hitting the outlet mall.

If I had ever been to one, I would
love an outlet mall. I'll drive.

Oh, no, it's far.
I'll just take the bus.

No, we can give you a ride.
What's wrong with the bus?

Honey, the only people
that take the bus are

high school dropouts,
single moms and bottle blondes.

You literally just described me.

Oh, we can fix your hair.

Okay, David, I need your help.

If you were
a nine-year-old girl,

would you think this is cool?

Hmm, I would say "cool,"
but probably fatal.

Okay.
I'm just saying

Shania is very fair-skinned,

and tank tops like that
expose shoulders

which is the area most commonly
neglected by sunscreen

and can cause
irreparable damages.

But you know,
just keep an eye out

for any irregular,
notched or scalloped moles.

But super-cute color.

Where's Bryan?
Mm...

I'll check by the scarves,
you check by the mirrors.

Okay.

♪ Busted. ♪

Are these baby clothes?

I'm confused as to why
the prices are so low.

Where am I?

Stop it.

You promised we'd wait
till after the test results.

I know.

But when I promised that,

I didn't know
that this existed.

That's not that cute.

Okay, that's adorable.

Can you believe
we're going to have a baby

with a head that wears
one of these?

I know. We're really
gonna be dads.

I love you, too.

I didn't say I love you.

I know, but I know
you were thinking it.

I love you, too.

Wow.

Excuse me?
Would you mind not doing that?

No, it's okay. He's actually
going to let me buy this thing.

No. Uh, don't do that
in front of my daughter.

Kissing another man.

This is a family store,

and I shouldn't have to go home

and explain that to my kid.

Explain what?

Look, I don't care what kind
of crap you do

in the privacy of your own home,

but don't bring it in here.

No, no, no. Let's just go. It's not worth it.
No, no, no, no, no.

Explain what, sir? Love?

There are places you'd get your
ass kicked for that crap.

I'm trying to be cool here.

Oh, well, you really are
being cool, sir.

Thanks for your intolerance
and your bigotry,

and for fostering this ignorance
in another generation.

And for bringing back
the Fanny pack.

Okay, the impact of that line
fell short

because you're still wearing
a beanie on your head.

I'm trying to protect
my family here.

Yeah, well, we're having
a family, too.

Well, that's disgusting.

I feel bad for that poor kid.

Come on.

Oh, there you are.

Are you guys all right?
What happened?

I'm here to pick up my
granddaughter.

Name?

Mrs. Jane Forrest.

The girl.

Oh. Shania Clemmons. Four-eyes.

Cloakroom. With a classmate.
Oh, that's nice.

I've never met
any of Shania's friends.

I was starting to think

she killed, breaded
and ate them all.

What the hell are you wearing?!

Hey, Nana!

And what the hell
are you doing?!

Rounding second.

Okay, both of you,
come with me... right now.

Hey, dude, whatcha doing?

Please tell me you're not upset
about returning

the baby clothes.
I'm not.

Once we're out of the woods,

I promise you can buy as many
tiny pairs of baby shoes

as you want.

Our kid is going to give Terry
bradshaw a case of shoe envy.

It is Carrie bradshaw!

And stop pretending
you don't know!

And that's not why I'm upset.

You're not still thinking
about the guy

from the outlet mall, are you?

That was an isolated incident.

Honey... it's okay.

It's not okay.

There will always be
stupid jerks in the world.

You can't let them bother you.

Just ignore them.

That's your plan?

Ignore them?

I've been ignoring people like
that my entire life, David.

That's not good enough anymore.
We're having a baby.

Yes, God willing, everything's chromosomally
correct... Will you stop that?!

We are bringing a
baby into the world

where idiot people feel
free to say and do

the things they say and do

because we have been
trained to ignore them!

That guy is not the problem.

We are the problem.

Well, what did you
want me to do?

Get in his face?
I'm not that guy.

I don't know!

I'm not crying for me.

I'm crying because what if that
happened in front of our kid?

What will we do then?

Just be ashamed of who we are?

What kind of message does
that send to our child?

I don't want our kid
to feel that.

To see him or her
get hurt like that,

that would just kill me.

As a parent, you're supposed
to protect your child.

You tell them
not to play in the street,

and-and don't do drugs

and wear a thick shea butter
moisturizer at night.

But how are we supposed to
protect our baby from hate?

Excuse me,

what is the best method
of birth control nowadays?

Ma'am, isn't your age

the best method
of birth control?

No, it's not for me,

you inked-up, rude pervert.

It's for them.

Uh, I'm sorry?

Why don't you just give me

the pill for her,
and I'm gonna need

some condoms for the boy.

I'd say, extra small.

Are you serious?
These are just kids.

Oh, they may look like kids,

but their private parts
have already gotten into

some very adult conversations.

Look at her chest.

These tiny boobies are
already starting to sprout

and for all I know,
auntie Flo's come to visit.

She's so secretive.
She's just like her mother.

In my mind,

I'm taking a bubble bath

and someone just threw
a toaster in next to me.

I feel so relieved.

Budding breasts.
I hadn't noticed that.

Oh, I have!

And that is all it takes.

I'm going to call the police.

What fruit is in
the mango-banana blast?

Amir, I'm completely
freaking out.

Bryan and I are going
to hear the heartbeat

for the first time today.

Is the lemon bang sour?

What, are you nuts? Why are
you even telling me this?

You still have
the first heartbeat.

You still have the cvs
and the triple screen.

All sorts of bad things
can come up.

I know. Can't you just say
you're happy for us?

Is there meat in the protein boost?

Come on!

Dude, biggest fight
me and the wife

ever got in was during my
son's first heartbeat test.

I was all over the monitor

comparing fetal heart rate
against hers...

What does immune boost mean?

You frickin' kidding me?
Come on!

See, it turns out,
she was just upset

because I was thinking
like a doctor

and not like a man
hearing his son's heartbeat

for the first time.

I think I'm having
an anxiety attack.

Hey, look at me.

What?
Hey.

Congrats, David.

Can I have a femme boost,
please?

Will you give the idiot
an IQ boost already?

This retard's
holding up the line!

Hey, don't talk to him like that!
Oh, yeah?

What are you gonna do about it?

Hey!

I don't need you fighting
my battles for me...

Fag.

Sorry I'm late, guys. That's okay.
The doctor's not even here yet.

Oh, yeah.

Are you okay?

Uh, no, I'm upset

that I-I just punched someone
at the gym.

For hogging the free weights?

I mean, David, I don't condone
that, but I-I do understand.

No, I punched a guy who called

a handicapable person
the r word.

That's horrible.

And then the retarded guy called
me a fag. Can you believe that?

Oh, well, is-is the guy you
hit going to press charges?

I don't know.
I'm just... I'm just upset.

Largely at myself.
I just lost it.

It doesn't matter.
Where's the chart?

Look at the chart.

Oh, no. David, are you okay?
I'm fine.

I knew.

You knew what?

At the outlet store,

I pretended I didn't hear
when that guy said

you were disgusting
for being gay parents,

but I did hear.

You really are being cool, sir.

Thank you for your intolerance,

and your bigotry,

and for fostering this
ignorance in another generation.

And for bringing
back the Fanny pack.

I should have marched up
and confronted them,

but I was too afraid.

It's okay.
No, it's not okay.

And the next time that happens,
I promise I'll speak up.

If only these ignorant people

with all this hate
in their hearts

could see you like I do.

Did you just intentionally

quote a song from cabaret
to lift my spirits,

or was that
a well-timed accident?

Everybody ready?
Yes.

All right, it's gonna
be very simple.

It'll be over in a minute.

Just so you know, 45% of all of
these tests turn out... Yes.

Here we go.
Ooh. Yup.

Okay, there we are.

We have a heartbeat.

Congratulations.

I... have to apologize.

I never should have allowed
this woman

to remove these children
from my classroom.

Excuse me?
When I found them,

these children were
about to fornicate

in a coat closet.

Looked like a fourth grade

production of caligula
back there.

Nana, that's no excuse
for kidnapping an actual kid

and dragging him
to planned parenthood.

Okay, this little horn dog

was going at Shania like a kid

who lost a quarter
in a candy machine.

And who can blame him?

He can't control himself.

You've got poor little
Shania tarted up like

some CNN news anchor.

Come on.
It was completely innocent.

I'm so sorry.

This is not the first time

my Nana's abducted a
person to make a point.

I'm actually
really glad she did it.

Yeah. I'm sorry?

Kids grow up so fast.

You know, everywhere
they look, it's just

sex, sex, sex.

After the stunt
your Nana pulled yesterday,

wilbur and I were able to sit
down and have a very honest

conversation, and I was able
to answer all of his questions.

Uh, well, maybe not all
of his questions.

I still can't tell him

who his father is
'cause I don't know myself.

Anyway, thank you.

You're welcome.

Now, may we be excused?

God, I hope so.

I really like the way you took
control of that situation.

Okay, come on.

All this

is going in my spank bank.

Attention students.

Buses 54, 78...

That's right. I think
we got it straight.

Shania, sweetheart, would you
mind waiting in the car?

I-I need to talk to your mom.

Really? Now?
Now I should wait in the car?

Go on, sweetie.

Well, I think we
dodged a bullet there.

Goldie, sweetheart,
we didn't dodge anything.

Your daughter is about
to wade into the deep end

of the sexual pool, and
she does not know how to swim.

We-we shouldn't even be
talking about... swimming.

My daughter is nine.

Oh, yeah?

That's what I thought about you.

And your mother,
and myself while I'm at it.

I was a 34-year-old grandmother.

Now how would you like
to add that

to your list of accomplishments?

Which, by the way, aren't many.

Goldie, this is
our wake-up call.

This is our chance
to do better for Shania.

This is our chance
to stop this cycle.

You're right.

I'll talk to her tonight.

Good.

Now let's get the hell
out of here.

That kid is giving me
the creeps.

Wilbur! Come on. Now!

Well, good news.

Jason here has agreed
not to press charges.

I did two tours in Iraq.

Bit the hump off a camel
on a dare.

You think I can't take a punch
from some punk-ass doctor?

Technically,
I'm not an ass doctor.

I deal more with the
front side, but, uh,

thank you for being
so cool about this.

I don't know what got into me.

It's probably just stress.

My boyfriend and I are about to
become dads for the first time.

Aw! Congratulations!

My boyfriend
and I just got engaged.

You? I didn't...
That's great.

Congratulations.
Yeah, I'm so excited.

Get a room!

Can we get

this boy dance party over with?

Well, Jason, David,

we at equinox do not
tolerate physical violence.

Except in our krav maga class.

We're going to have to
revoke your memberships.

Permanently.

Boo-ya!

Boo-ya?

What is that?

You're getting kicked out, too!

He is getting kicked out, right?
No.

He called him a fag.
That is not acceptable.

But I didn't use my hands.

I wish there was
something I could do.

Unfortunately, there isn't
a company policy about this.

I'm out of here.
I have a zumba class

in five minutes.

Would you like to hear

your three favorite words?

I love you?

Nope, not those. These.

You were r...

You were right.

I need to learn
to let joy in my life.

All the negative stuff,
the fear... it's all I know.

Like, in med school,
they teach you

to only look for
the bad parts in things.

The exceptions, not the rules.

Get back to the part
where I'm right.

Why now?

We don't have all
the test results back.

That's just it.

We'll never be out of the woods.

There will always be something.

I hate that all the tough stuff
a kid faces in life

will be even tougher
for our kid

because he or she
will have two dads.

So, even though

it's not going to be easy,

I need to try to
celebrate the wins.

Like, when we heard that
heartbeat yesterday,

I don't think I have
ever loved you more,

because that...

That was the sound
of our family.

Just so you know,

the guy whose ass
I kicked at equinox

was practically the
size of a lumberjack.

I can't believe
you got banned for life.

I know, right?

That's kind of hot.
Mm.

Just please don't
let yourself go.

Hey.

Hey, Goldie.
What are you guys doing here?

Yeah.
I hope you guys

don't mind us stopping by.

Of course, anytime.
Come on in.

Don't break out the crystal.

We're not staying long enough
to catch anything.

Lovely.

Shania has something that
she wants to speak to you about,

and I wanted to be here
to hear it.

Go ahead, honey.

Say it.

I have to give you back
the baby clothes.

We agreed it's a little too...

What was the word you
wanted me to use again?

Mature.
Whoreish.

Yeah.

Too mature for someone my age
to wear to school.

But thanks, anyway.

Oh, well,
you're very welcome,

young lady, but I'm sorry if
it caused you a little trouble.

It also got me my
first heartbreak.

I'll look back on it later

in life and blog about it
with bittersweet melancholy.

Uh, Nana has a gift for you.

What?

It just baby clothes.

I love buying baby clothes.

I've had a lot of practice.

With Shania and Goldie
and Goldie's mom.

And now your little abomination.

Huh.

Oh, that's a surprise.

Oh... oh!

"Please help me!"

I actually wanted it to say,
"please help me.

Call child
protective services," but...

Anywho, um, we're off to see
who Nana can offend at dinner.

Have a great night. Come on.

Uh... yeah.

Stay.

Yeah. We ordered way
too much Chinese food.

Come on, there's
plenty for everyone.

Great.

You know, if you boys

wanted a baby so badly, why
didn't you just order up

one of those pretty
little unwanted

Chinese girls for delivery?

With six you get egg roll.

I imagine you gays have wine?

Barrels full.

God forgive me.

Have a seat, Mrs. Forrest.

What do you want to drink? Um...

What do you want?

Can I please get some milk
in a wine glass?

Done.