The New Normal (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 11 - Baby Proofing - full transcript

I can't help but think
of Goldie

as our very own virgin Mary,

and David and I
as Jesus' gay dads.

There's always room at our inn,
and she won't have

to give birth in a barn
with a donkey watching.

Although I can't explain why

the virgin also has an adorable
ten-year-old daughter.

Because she's in her
second trimester,

the only holiday gift Goldie
seems to want is food.

As much and as often
as possible.

She has to... it's necessary
for the baby's development.



But honestly? I think pregnancy
gives you a free pass

to eat your feelings.

If you're nervous or anxious,
have a burger.

Feeling lonely?
Mac and cheese.

Stressed?
Steak frites.

Mmm.
So what's his excuse?

Maybe he's stressed.
I mean, I certainly am.

We're having a baby
in five months,

so everything feels
overwhelming.

And our meetings
with the baby proofer

haven't exactly helped things.

This is ridiculous.

We really have to hire
somebody to teach us how

to keep our child safe? Our
house isn't dangerous. Bryan...



Oh...

Whoo! You see?
That's what happens to baby

when you don't have a baby gate.

Next, the pool.

Or as I like to call it, "the
solar-powered water casket."

Bryan: Everything just
feels so stressful lately.

And I'm not saying
I deal with it perfectly,

but I've developed a method of
coping that is tried and true.

One for me and one for Goldie.

Oh, no, I'm pregnant.

I'm on call.

I'm a child.

And I'm in luck.

I think they use these
for adults, too. Right?

No, no, no, no, no, no.
What is this?

They're corner cushions.

So that when baby falls,
his head will be safe.

Oh, they're just so wrong.

It's like traditional-colored
band-aids on don cheadle.

Why do we need these?

Baby-proofing isn't about
aesthetics, Bryan.

It is about
protecting our child.

This is leather.

I took Carla around the house,

and it is like a toddler
temple of doom around here.

First rule of daddyhood,
there are certain things that

you may have to give up
for the safety of baby

even if it makes you
uncomfortable.

And, as your baby concierge,

it's my job to help
guide you through it.

Why on the frame?

What, is the baby a giant now?

Why can't we use
the baby-proofing style that

my mother used, which was "don't
set foot in here or else."

The "or else" being
the baby-proofing part.

David, what did we just say?

Do you know that the home is
where 99% of all babies die?

Oh, look, your little guy's
taking his first steps.

What a beautiful moment.

Quick, honey, get
the camera. Bam!

There goes his eyeball
across the floor.

Blood gushing everywhere.

Guess what? No chance
at being a jeweler

or a military sniper.

Parents must make sacrifices
for baby's safety.

And we will.
I am completely on board

with things like the pool cover
and the fence,

but aren't you being
a little overdramatic?

I mean, our baby's not even
gonna be toddling

for another year and half.

How about this one? I lean over
to kiss our beautiful baby,

contact pops out in the mouth,

I'm half-blind,
the baby's choking to death.

All right,
this is too much for me.

I have to go to the bathroom.
What's this, papa?

Something I can play with. Oh,
this looks like fun. (Grunts)

Oh, God! Oh, that could
totally happen!

That image is never gonna
leave my head.

Papa, hardcover books.
Will you please read to me...?

Those are old and expensive!
Oh...

Oh, and who wouldn't want
their skull crushed

by the sardonic musings
of Chelsea handler?

Well worth it.

Stop. I have to pee.

No more hardcovers, Bry.
Only paperbacks.

(Sighs)

Why is the toilet locked?

It's a potty clamp.

You'd be shocked at how many
toddlers are annually concussed

as they reach in to wash their
little hands in the poo-poo soup.

How do I open it?

Just press in, twist right,

tap-tap left
and lift.

It's so cinch-y.

I know it's all new, sweetie,

but you'll get used to it.
This is our life now.

It's okay!
I figured it out!

Oh, that was easy.

Tonight, I will drink
to forget this.

(Zipper rasps)

I love Christmas!

It is my absolute
favorite time of year.

The music, the pageantry

and everyone's just
a little bit kinder,

with a little more love
in their heart.

Plus you get to sit on

a man's lap and tell him
what you want

without anyone judging you.

(Chuckles)

Look at this one, Nana.

It's got the
three wise men on it.

You can even see
the frankincense,

the myrrh and the gold.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Do you know that back in Ohio,

I knew a man
named Abraham Wiseman?

And don't you know it?

He bought and sold gold, too.

And...?

Silver, I suppose.

Yeah.

(Quietly): So, uh, what
is the deal with...?

Did another Kennedy pass away?

No, this happens every Christmas.
She's "eggnog nice."

Something about the combo
of rum and cream

makes her all, you know,
um, rummy and creamy.

This one's beautiful.

Good eye, Shania.

That is 19th century
Mercury glass from Poland.

And that'll be going
right back in the box.

No, David,
that my favorite ornament.

It's from my grandmother.

And I love granny. It's just
we can't hang glass ornaments

six inches off the floor
with a baby crawling around.

We might as well hang
razor blades and shotgun shells.

Ornaments are essential
to Christmas.

They're like chestnuts
roasting on an open fire.

Nuts. Oh, my God, our baby
could have nut allergies.

Okay, we got to get rid
of all the nuts.

No, Bryan, don't worry.

You can hang them when
your baby's Shania's age.

Sorry.

Or maybe a little later.

Did you guys make this
gingerbread house?

Oh, it was a present
from one of my patients.

♪ I love gingerbread houses.

It's so cool
to think about a place

that you can eat,
but also live in.

Aw, imagine waking up and taking
a bite of your pillow.

I've been there.
Yeah. What?

You know, David, I am not
the least bit surprised

that one of your
patients made you

such a thoughtful gift.
You are a wonderful doctor.

Bryan: Do they make
eggnog year-round?

'Cause I want
to get her some more.

Oh, no! Santa's gonna have
to find another way in.

Oh, like a pregnant Godzilla.

Mmm!

(Growls a LA Godzilla)

How many glasses
of wine is that?

You've been
drinking since noon.

Yeah, and you've been remodeling

that gingerbread house
with your mouth.

And that's okay
'cause it's the holidays,

and we're having a good time.

Hey, Jane, how about a little
holiday cheer

from your holiday queer?

(Chuckles) You're a riot.

I want to preserve
this Jane forever.

Hey, Jane, my realtor, Nancy
Niles, broker to the stars,

she's having her holiday party.
You want to be my date?

What about David?

I don't go
to his Hollywood parties.

I'm sick of people's eyes

glazing over when they find out
I'm only a doctor.

And there's too much
baby-proofing to do.

I mean, look at this.
Stockings within reach?

Uh-uh. What if a baby
gets a hold of this?

The only thing it's gonna
be filled with is tragedy.

I guess that's why
Santa never had any kids.

That we know of.

Goldie, Shania, do you want
to come to this party?

We'd love to, but we're
staying home to watch

both:
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.

Yeah, someone has a crush
on Yukon Cornelius.

David:
Aw.

It's me!
Claymation redheads are hot.

God, I hate pregnancy hormones.

Well, Jane, looks like you and me are
the only ones with holiday spirit.

I'll drink to that.

Somebody needs a refill.
Bryan...

David, it's just a tiny splash.

Splash.

(TV playing) Mistletoe?

How'd this get in here?
You want me to hang it off me?

You're cute.
Not tonight, sweetie.

What? The only other time
you've rejected me was

when you were passed out
from wisdom tooth surgery.

And full disclosure,
you eventually gave in.

Well, full disclosure,

I don't like to fool around
when you've been drinking.

It feels like
you don't mean it.

We're men, that's the beauty.

We don't always
have to mean it.

(Turns off TV)
Okay, I'm gonna say it:

I think you've been
drinking too much.

And not just tonight.

It's been six nights a week,
sometimes seven.

You've been counting.

Yes, because I'm concerned.

It feels like it's gotten
out of hand.

I've had dinner meetings almost
every night this week.

You try sitting across
from Vanessa redgrave

as she recounts
her trip to palestine.

How am I supposed
to get though these

monotonous work events
without a cocktail?

I don't know.
Order a glass of water

and zone out on someone's bad
outfit like everyone else?

I tried that tonight
with Goldie.

It wasn't enough.

You know why?

You've been rigid
with me about everything

concerning the baby, and
it makes me anxious.

And it makes me anxious
that I feel like

I have to look after
our child and for you.

That's why I've been counting the
nights you've been drinking.

Well, I've been counting, too.

Calories. And there
were, like, 25,000

in that gingerbread
house tonight.

Goldie ate the chimney.

You know what?
I was gonna give this to you

as a stocking stuffer
for Christmas,

but now seems like a good time.

A gift certificate
to soul cycle?

You're just retaliating because
I've put on a few pounds.

(Turns on TV) No, David,
that is a supportive nudge,

because I'm concerned about my
partner's health, just like you.

Oh, and we will be
removing the cactus garden.

Having a baby in
a cactus garden is like...

You know what?
I don't need an analogy.

It's like having a baby
in a cactus garden.

Absolutely not.

I have spent three years
cultivating the perfect garden.

I'll pay Diego extra
to stand guard.

The cactuses are going, Bryan.

The cacti will stay.

I guess we'll just have
to agree to disagree.

I couldn't agree more.

David, crumbs in the bed?

Hi. Hey, how are ya?

His wife is cheating on him.

Hey, you, I remember your name.

That's what I'm looking for.

Here we go, Jane.
Thank you.

She has a bar in her house?

An oasis in a snowy desert.

To, uh, to getting
out of the house.

In my case, the hotel. Mm-hmm.

Wow, she got all this just from
selling real estate? Mm-hmm.

There he is! Bryan Collins,
my favorite client.

Oh, mwa, mwa!
Mwa, mwa!

Nancy Niles,
realtor to the stars,

Jane forrest, long story.

Welcome.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

The house looks amazing.

Thank you.
Amazing.

When did you put in the pool?

It's always been there.

It just had a cover on it
to keep it safe

for the grandkids.
Learned that the hard way.

I'm joking!

I'm joking.
Oh! (Laughs)

Ah, baby-proofing,

that's the world that David
and I are in right now.

A baby? Oh, sweetie,
congratulations. Thank you.

Oh, there's Justin Bieber.

I've been trying
to guilt him into getting

his mother a better beach house.

Yes.
I'll be back.

I thought it was hilary swank.

She was about as genuine
as the bosoms on that girl.

I'm so sick of this
baby-proofing stuff.

Oh, then don't do it.

All you need to control
a kid is an icy tone,

a pursed lip
and a squinted eye.

You don't have
to give up anything at all.

I didn't give up
a single thing for my daughter.

You haven't talked to
her in 17 years, huh?

Oh, no, thanks.

One glass of mid-priced
champagne is my limit.

Plus David's been on me
about my drinking.

Oh, that's just insane.

In my day,
everybody drank all the time

and it was
perfectly acceptable.

You went to lunch, you had a
couple of Harvey Wallbangers

and then you napped
until cronkite.

No regrets, huh?

No. I'm exactly where
I want to be.

Really?
Living in a hotel,

no jobs, following Goldie
and Shania around all day?

That's not all I'm doing.

I started a Twitter account,
I'm taking classes.

I'm trying to establish
my brand.

You have no idea how hard it is

to break into
the real estate market in LA.

Because you have
this crazy notion

that you're going to
go back to Ohio.

Jane, if you're
gonna be here...

Be here.

You don't understand.

It's too scary for me.

Look at that.

Look at that big city.

There are 12 million

multicultural
gay-bi-straight

liberal tofu lovers

who wear short pants to work.

How do I fit into that?

Where do I even begin?

You pick a spot,

you plant your seed,

and you watch it grow.

That is some
extremely gay advice.

Man (On TV):
Oh, my dear sir!

You know my assistant, Alfred,
Mr. Macy?

There we go.

Merry Christmas, Alfred.

I can't stand
to see them suffer.

Kill me.

Oh, I want to.

But there's enough death
in this house already.

Did you know that
poinsettias and hollies

are actually poisonous
to dogs and children?

Really?

Plus, Bryan reminded me

that I might be
overdoing it a little.

Mm. Me, too.

You know, being pregnant

gives me this great
excuse to eat.

And?

Oh. And nothing.

It's completely awesome.

The more I eat,
the bigger this baby gets.

And you know, actually,
I am a little worried.

It goes in so small,
and it comes out so big.

From the same place.

Maybe we should cut down on
the cookies a little bit.

Deal.
Yeah.

Maybe we could just split one?

Yeah, it is the holidays.

I mean, who's it gonna hurt?

Mom, can I have another cookie?

I don't know, baby.

You've already had quite a few.

Come on.
Who does it hurt?

And could I get
another tiny splash?

How am I supposed to think
without another drink?

Forget it.
I'll just nurse this one.

This is bad.
Yeah.

We're modeling bad behavior.

I mean, Bryan and I

have been baby-proofing
this house to protect our son,

but we need to
baby-proof ourselves,

to protect him from
our bad behavior.

Nana was so strict
with me growing up.

It was always,
"no, no, no, Goldie."

So I think for all the times
she said no to me,

I've said yes to myself,
too much.

It's not helping me
or my daughter.

Sometimes,
I have to say no, too.

No, Goldie.

We need to cut down
on the bad foods.

I'm starting right now,
with our pantry.

Just... first have to figure out
how the child locks work.

So, your first
big Hollywood party.

What did you think?
It was wonderful.

Although when you
went to the bathroom,

I got pinned up against the wall
by that Oliver stone.

Oh. Why is it that all
those left-wing commies

have such terrible dandruff?

Well, I'm glad you got to meet
our realtor, Nancy Niles.

I didn't like her.
Oh, well, that's too bad.

I was gonna see about getting
you a job interview with her.

Well, in that case,
let me finish my sentence here.

I didn't like her, I loved her.

You would do that for me?

Yeah.

Thank you, Bryan.

(Siren whoops) Oh, no.

Sobriety checkpoint ahead.

What do I do?

Okay, just relax.

I mean, I've been drinking.

I had a glass of champagne
and a piece of cake, rum cake.

You only had a tiny splash.

Oh, my God,
I'm a quasi-public figure

who's about to become a father.

I can't get a dui, Jane.

Don't be ridiculous.
George Bush got a dui

and he still got
elected president.

Evening, officer.

Evening.

So where we been tonight,
a little party?

Oh, yes.
We were at a wonderful party.

And now we're
headed straight home.

You know, you boys in blue
do a hell of a job.

Sir.
Yes.

Have you been drinking?

I have had drinks in the past.

In the spirit of full
disclosure, he did have

a tiny little drink.
Tiny.

(Laughing) Pull over.

Okay, Mr. Collins.

Please recite the alphabet backwards.
(Jane sighs heavily)

Z, y, w...

Honestly, I couldn't
even do this if I was sober.

Which I am!
I am sober. I am sober.

Which is why I can't do it.

Look, I had like a Demi-glass
of wine like two hours ago.

I'm totally fine.

If I was drunk,
could I do this?

Jane:
Okay.

Bryan, know your rights.

Ma'am, get back in that car.

You... know your rights.
Jane, just...

Jane, just listen. You do
not have to participate

in an illegal witch hunt
by this stasi-like regime.

Jane, listen to the man with the gun.
Know your rights.

Oh, please. I have a gun, too.

Gun! Gun! Down!

She's joking! She's joking!
I am protected by

my second amendment rights!
Get your hands on the ground.

I'm getting down, sir.
All the way down!

I was getting down.

I cannot get
all the way down, sir,

this is a very expensive suit.

You covered the cord
and secured the base.

Thank you.

You are a baby-proofing
monster, Dave.

I'm talking
borderline fanatical.

Oh, sweet God, no.

A rusty ornament with
pre-war toxic paint?

I'm sorry, but this
death-tree's coming down.

The baby isn't due
until way after Christmas,

so, I think it's okay

if he keeps his ornaments
this year. No.

It's okay, we can take 'em all down.
Yeah.

Maybe I can keep
the star on top?

Oh, that's a good idea.

Hey, what's that
rumbling sound? Oh, no!

It's an earthquake!
The tree just fell over!

And the pointy star just impaled
junior right in the skull!

Happy worst Christmas ever!

Okay, that's enough, Carla.
Let's go this way. Uh-huh.

Off to the laundry room.

Or as I like to call it, "the
giant metal baby coffin room."

Bryan, when the police stopped
you and Nana the other night,

how come they
didn't arrest you?

Well, your Nana's lucky
that the police aren't concerned

about old white women with guns.

And I wasn't drunk, but I had

been drinking, and I should not
have been behind the wheel.

I made a bad choice.

I'm gonna be somebody's dad,
Shania.

I can't afford
to make mistakes like that.

I know what I have to do.

What are you doing?

Bryan-proofing.

Making sure that my baby
is safe in this home.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You're a good person, Bryan.
You're just stressed.

Of course I'm stressed.

My whole life is about
to change.

So? What's so bad about that?

You didn't know me when I was
a kid, but I worried, too.

A lot.

Yeah? About what?

I worried my dad would keep
forgetting about us,

that my mom wouldn't be loved
the way she deserves,

that I'd never get
to know more of the world

than the neighborhood
where I was born.

And now, everything's changed,
and it's awesome.

But I'm not you.
I don't know

if I'll be able to adjust

to all this change
that the baby's gonna bring.

I'm still trying to adjust from
Kellogg's changing the name

of sugar smacks to honey smacks.

Maybe you don't see yourself
how I see you.

Five months ago, you probably
didn't think you'd be spending

Christmas with me, my mom,
my dad and my Nana.

But here we are, a part of your
lives, a part of your family.

Let me buy you a drink, kid.

Okay, but I have to warn you,

after two lemonades,
I'm a living terror.

So, you were quite
the realtor in Ohio.

Well, not to brag,

but I did win
realtor of the year award

from the bowling green
chamber of commerce.

Oh, I don't consider that
bragging.

And I don't care what you
did in Ohio. This is LA.

We only care about Ohio
during presidential elections.

What have you done here?

Um, I've been
establishing my brand.

Meaning what, you started

a MySpace account or
something? (Laughs)

What do you want from me,
Mrs. forrest?

A chance.

I want to give up what I had in
Ohio for something better here.

Yeah, well, what you need
to give up is

that 1980s Mervyn's power suit

in the staggering
jewel tone. Ugh.

You know, Jane,

when I look at you,
I see myself.

Ten years ago when I lost
my husband and my way.

I see a lot
of the old me in you.

And I don't like it.

I don't want you running around
my office, reminding me of what

a completely...
Unevolved creature that I was.

And I don't like

being where I'm not wanted.

I'm sorry
to have wasted your time.

Oh, yes.

And, uh, speaking of waste,

I mentioned to Bryan that
his house is in an hpoz zone.

Under the mills act,

he would be entitled to a huge
reduction in property taxes.

He said you never
pointed that out.

I told him I'd let you know.

(Laughs)

That's very smart,

very informed and vaguely
undercutting of me.

Now you're reminding me of
myself in a way that I like.

Come on, Jane, sit back down.

Now, if... If we're going
to move forward with this,

you need to know

that the LA real estate market
is not Ohio.

There are days when you
are going to have to be

a balls out,
take-no-prisoners bitch.

Now, you think you
can do that, Jane?

I can try.

Good.

(Panting)

298, 299.

Come on, don't think
about rotisserie chicken.

Come on!
(Groans)

Aah. I was going
for three sets of 20,

but it's a start. Honey,
you don't need to do that.

You look great.

Besides, I don't want
to be held responsible

for anybody's low body
self-image, except my own.

Oh, you were right.

Those cookies were making me
tired and foggy. And cranky.

I'm assuming. Were they?
I don't know. (Laughs)

I shouldn't have been
so hard on you.

No. I think it's good that
we do that for each other.

Who else is going to remind us

of our many, many
tragic shortcomings

except for each other?
You mean besides our mothers?

You know, it's funny. I think

that psycho baby concierge
kind of nailed it.

There are just certain things

we're gonna have to give up,

even if they make
us uncomfortable.

Yeah, because look what
we're going to get in return.

Which reminds me...

I have something to show you.

Tell me what it is.
No, don't tell me what it is.

I hate when you ruin surprises.
But tell me what it is.

Oh, David, you did all this?

Took a little hunting,
but all of the ornaments

are baby-proof.

Made with organic fabrics
and natural woods.

And made by highly-paid,

unionized adult American elves.

Oh, I hate them.

I really do.
I hate them all.

Really? All of them?

Even this one?

Well, that one...
That one I love.

Makes all the other
hideous ones worth it.