The New Normal (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Goldie Rush - full transcript
What to ex-pect when you're expecting.
Like any other red-blooded American
12-year-old boy.
There was one magazine
I was always obsessed with.
Ladies' Home Journal.
And today,
LHJ is interviewing me.
They want to hear my thoughts
about the issues
that matter most.
And that's why I like gloves.
(Laughing)
Okay, now let's dig a little
deeper into Bryan Collins
and talk about family.
You and your partner
are expecting your first child.
Congratulations.
Have you always wanted a baby?
Oh, are you kidding?
My mom said I used to try
to breast-feed
my stretch Armstrong doll.
(Laughter)
Recently you said on Twitter
that you believe that men, like
women, have a biological clock.
That is true, and the clock
can start ticking at any time.
I mean, look at Brad pitt.
His biological clock
went off, and a year later,
he had half a dozen kids.
(Laughter)
But some men are born
without a clock.
Uh, for example,
my ex-boyfriend.
(Grunting)
Is this 70 or 80?
I don't count. I just watch.
Hey, why are you
packing clothes? We're not gonna
need 'em for mardi gras.
You know what, Monty? No.
What do you mean, "no"?
Just no. I...
I promised myself
I was gonna stay here
this weekend
and finish
my Smallville spec script,
and if I get on
that plane with you,
the whole weekend's
just gonna be filled
with booze and debauchery,
and I'm gonna end up
black-out drunk trying to flash
my boobs to a film crew.
Yeah. That sounds so much better
than my lame Smallville script.
Ah, come on, babe.
Write it on the plane.
It's, like,
a three-hour flight.
I'm gonna get so drunk
on teeny bottles of vodka.
Monty. Monty, Monty, no! Monty!
Monty, don't you have goals?
Yeah. Mardi gras, drunk!
No. Didn't you hear me?
I want to talk about our future.
All right.
When you picture us living in
a beautiful palapa by the sea...
Yeah, surfing rules, babe.
I know.
Do you imagine us
with children?
What do you mean? Like, native
children deboning fish for us?
(Laughing):
No.
I mean, if you could say
the perfect number of kids
for us to have, it would be...
Oh.
Wait. Think of the number,
and then we'll say it
at the same time. Ready? Go.
Three!
Zero!
But now my life
is completely different.
Now I have a partner who wants
a family as badly as I do.
Oh, well, do you and your fiancé
plan on having more children?
Absolutely.
When?
Let's get back to gloves.
Uh-huh.
That ladies' home journal woman
would not stop badgering me.
"Are you gonna have
more kids? How many?
What's your family
gonna look like?"
It was so accepting,
it was alienating.
She's right, though.
Family planning has a lot more
variables for couples like us.
We have to know
how many kids we want,
how far to space them apart,
whose sperm we'll use,
got to lock down an egg donor.
And we have to
make it all happen
before we get too old.
Ugh, David, that list
was the opposite of sexy.
Straight couples
have it so easy.
The only family planning they
have to do is a bottle of cab,
a French toast-scented candle
and a Netflix stream
of y tu mamá también.
Okay, well, let's talk about it.
Um, we know
we want more than one.
Nothing wrong with an only,
but I'd like to have my option
of having a favorite.
Two is great,
but so many wonderful
things come in threes.
Little pigs, Jonas brothers,
celebrity deaths.
Maybe we want to field
our own basketball team.
That's five, by the way. Really?
Okay, if you had to
say the ideal number
of kids for us to have,
what would it be?
Just think of the number,
and then we'll both
say it at the same time.
Okay.
Ready? And go. Three!
Three!
Both:
I love you so much.
Okay, name the six
fiduciary duties
of a California
real estate agent.
What are you doing here,
goggles?
Mom dropped me off.
She's off to Chinatown
to buy some new fabric.
Chinatown? The only thing
she's gonna find in Chinatown
are bad drivers
and future violinists.
Now, get over here.
I haven't had
any Shania hugs lately.
There you go.
Girl, that's a sad face
if I've ever seen one.
Did your Nana's racism
offend you, too?
No, I don't even hear it
anymore.
It's just that
some girls
at school were mean to me.
(Giggling)
Do you mind if I sit here?
Aw, sorry,
but we're busy
updating our Facebook homepages.
We're posting an overhead
picture of you taking
a hellacious number two
after math.
See the pretty, soft border?
Instagram rocks.
That's not true.
That's not me.
I only poop at home.
Good luck trying to prove that,
Debbie dumper.
You stink.
(Laughter)
Never lay your crossed eyes
on us again,
because you'll never
be friends with us
or anybody ever.
(Laughter)
Shania, you need to shut
those bitches down now,
or your self-esteem
is shot for life.
Rocky is 100% right.
What you need is a plan for
total and complete dominance.
And this isn't just for now.
You need to learn how to conquer
mean girls throughout adulthood
so that you can become
a strong, aspirational woman
like me and your Nana.
I don't understand.
Shania, women are always
at war in this world,
especially against each other.
Now, your Nana
is going to make sure
you have the right uniform...
And weapon... for battle.
So, here's our plan.
We'd love to have
three children,
ideally spaced two years apart,
with the second
child using his...
My dollop of me.
Very polite.
And for our third child,
we would love to mix
our genetic matter,
letting 'em Duke it out.
Yes. Father time
is ticking away,
and we don't want
to be those sad old dads
in the high-waisted slacks
hobbling to kindergarten
graduation.
Like Al Pacino.
Hoo-ha!
(Laughs)
(Crying)
Gary, what's wrong?
I'm going to die alone.
Well, that was a sudden turn.
That's what it means
to be bipolar!
I'm sorry. It's just all this
talk of dollops and Al Pacino.
I want what you guys have.
I want love and a family
and sweet-ass cars,
and sassy
African-American assistants.
I have dedicated my life
to putting together
families because
I've always wanted one.
But it's never going to happen.
I'm too old to meet anyone.
(Blows nose)
I've been on E-Harmony
and J-Date, but for some reason,
I just get paired with losers.
And then, at age six,
I learned I'm intersex.
All I want is a family.
I'm running out of time here.
What if we fixed Gary up
with your ex, Monty?
Oh.
No? I mean, when we bumped
into him a few months ago,
it seemed like he was
ready to settle down.
Bryan. David.
Monty.
Yeah.
Great to see you.
Guess some things never change.
Still rocking the
roller skates, I see.
Blades. Blades. Isn't
this place amazing?
I mean, look at this. It's
cantaloupe in its original form.
I thought it only came in little
chunks on the end of toothpicks.
It's wild, right?
Wild.
Surprised to see you here.
I thought you usually have
a team of boy toys do
your shopping for you.
No, no. I've whittled
it down to just two.
I want to set a good
example for my kid.
Wait. You have a kid?
Not yet, but I want to.
I know, I know. I used
to be the king of,
"gay means never having
to say I'm pregnant."
But then, I just realized,
it's time for me to grow up.
I want my own family.
Now I just need to find the
right man. You know anyone?
If the guy's got a pulse,
I'm in.
Hell, if he doesn't,
it wouldn't be the first time.
You have been studying
hard lately ***,
you deserve a reward.
Google "Jon Hamm
plus Moose Knuckle,"
and thank me later.
(Sighs quietly)
Well, that doesn't look
like the twisted grin
of a girl who just squashed
her first enemies.
The suit didn't work.
I demand to sit with you!
There is no reason why
I should be excluded,
and I will not be disrespected
any longer.
As you can see by my outfit,
I mean business.
(Giggling)
Oh, my God.
It's Lindsay Lohan
when she has
to show up for court.
My mom used to dress like that
before she read
50 shades of grey.
(Laughter)
I'm shocked.
Really, the Nancy Reagan
red always works for me.
Of course it didn't work.
It's not about the suit.
Shania, girls like that
don't respond to reason.
They respond to reading.
Now, if you want the power,
you got to go in there
and read those girls
and take it!
Read, like, books?
Mm-hmm.
Hell, no.
Reading is a time-honored manner
of cutting someone down
with your words.
Oh, like the drags taught us
in west Hollywood.
Correct.
Reading is an oral tradition
passed down through
generations of queens.
It's all about obtaining power
through insult
by focusing in on someone's
flaws and putting them on blast.
Speaking of flaws, I noticed
your crow's feet are showing.
Did the 99-cent store run out
of your wrinkle cream again?
Or did your eyes request a road
map to your receding wig line?
My eyes are fine.
For example,
they can see that you've been
packing on the pounds.
That cushion-for-the-pushin'
is so big, it's part
of a 12-piece sectional!
Reading.
A necessity of life.
Give half-pint some
more pointers, ladies.
You so big and fat,
you need to use the eiffel tower
like a toothpick.
Girl, you're so haggard and old,
your first pet was a T. Rex.
Okay, so all I have to do
to dominate
and win the respect of my peers
is snap my fingers like this?
Yes, honey, and head
like a propeller.
Head.
Now put it all together.
Put your back into it!
Read!
Back in... back into it! Yeah!
And by the end of the
summer, thanks to me,
the Greek island of Naxos
had house music.
Uh, but Monty, that's not really
how you live anymore, right?
I mean, you were telling me
how you're very serious
about settling down?
Yeah, I am done with
that whole lifestyle.
I mean, it gets tired,
jetting off to Prague
every weekend with Frank ocean.
Love him.
Love "Caribbean queen."
That kind of stuff used to be
the big perk of being gay.
You could just keep the party
going your whole life.
Now, thank God, some of us are
growing up and giving back.
I'm ready to start
planning a family.
I mean, I tell people
that I'm 30.
Well, we couldn't
recommend it enough.
Bryan and I have decided
that we're going to have two
more kids after our baby comes.
Oh.
See, a beautiful family.
That's what I want
right there. Boom.
Boom! Just got to
find the right guy.
David: Mmm. Who's got two thumbs
and no gag reflex? This guy.
Hi. Sorry. I just got to
get some more paper towels.
Oh, it's okay.
Uh, this is Goldie.
She's our surrogate
and our very close friend.
I'm dying fabric
in the guest house,
and it's a little messy.
Totally unrelated, Bryan...
that lambskin throw?
That's scotchgarded, right?
May I touch your belly?
Do you mind?
Oh, uh... sure.
I have never touched
a pregnant belly before.
Hmm.
It's so hard.
Mmm. And there's a
baby growing inside.
Right there in your belly.
I got a belly, too,
and you can touch it,
but I warn you... I'm very
ticklish... and shaved.
(Goldie laughs)
I'm sure people tell you this
all the time, but
you are very good-looking,
and yes,
I know that you're gay.
My point is...
This is a very confusing
moment for me.
Man, being so close
to human life
like this... everything else
seems... pointless.
I had that exact thought
when I had my daughter.
You have a daughter?
Goldie: Mm-hmm. Shania.
She's nine.
Monty: I love the name Shania.
I saw Shania twain
twice when I was living in London.
Oh, I love england.
(Bad British accent):
Hello, governor.
Blimey. Would you like
a cup of tea?
That's so good.
Hey, do you mind if I come back
and watch you do your thing?
Maybe you can give me a
crash course in surrogacy.
Come on!
I used to collect
Franklin mint plates
of prince Charles and lady di.
Oh, God, why did I say that?
I'm so stupid.
I'm... I'm sure Monty
will be back any minute.
It's been over an hour.
What are they doing in there?
Oh, my God, Goldie.
These are amazing.
I mean, they're
so drew Barrymore...
Pre-Jewish art dealer
and post-strokes drummer.
Oh, you could totally
write for Wikipedia.
Really?
Yeah.
Bryan, David,
thank you guys so much
for inviting me over.
If you hadn't, I never
would have met Goldie,
and I never would have figured out my plan.
Uh, what plan is that?
Well, just because I haven't
met the right guy yet
shouldn't stop me
from my dreams.
I've decided, I'm gonna
pull a Sandra bullock
and move ahead
without a partner.
I'm gonna have
a baby by myself.
He'd rather have
no one than me.
To family planning.
All you need to do now is
find yourself
an egg donor and a surrogate.
Well, I can already cross one
of those things off the list.
I asked Goldie to
be my surrogate.
♪
I can't believe your
ex-boyfriend has the nerve
to try to steal our surrogate.
And it's so like Monty, too...
we invite him
into our home,
try to fix him up,
but no matter what he gets
in life, he always wants more.
Well, Goldie is our surrogate.
I say we go over there,
we knock down his door
and we tell him to back off.
Knock down his door?
Yeah. Well,
knock down, knock on.
Even if there's a doorbell,
I say we push it hard.
Well, this is gonna be
a first for Monty.
I don't think anyone's
ever said no to him.
(Chuckling):
Certainly not me.
I mean, I don't remember
anybody before you.
Woman (On video):
I'm selling my eggs,
'cause I believe everybody...
married, single,
straight or gay...
who wants a baby deserves
the chance to have one.
Plus, Taylor Swift
is coming to town,
and ticket prices are insane!
So please buy my eggs,
or I'll die! Die.
David:
Hello. Where is he? Monty!
Where are you?
Oh, hey, guys.
I was just looking at
potential egg donors.
There are a lot of
whack jobs out there.
Hey, what donor number
did you guys use?
No. No way. That is exactly
why we need to talk to you.
Right after you
put your shirt on.
David, there's no time.
We're here to yell at you.
Yell at me?
Mm-hmm.
For what? You think you can
just blade into our lives
with your
ridiculously toned abs
that would make Mario Lopez
feel premenstrual,
and just buy whatever you want?
You can't buy everything.
Goldie is not for sale.
Of course she is. How'd you guys
meet her in the first place?
Maybe she doesn't have a "for
lease" sign nailed to her vagina,
'cause that would hurt an awful
lot, but that's what she is:
A blonde Incubator
who's cool and fun to be around.
And what's the price on that?
'Cause I'll pay triple.
Hey! Back off!
Whoa. Goldie is our friend.
She's practically our family.
She's gonna have
our other kids, too.
Really?
Yeah.
'Cause I don't think
she knows that.
And you guys blame me
for trying to buy her,
but at least I had the respect
to ask what her plans are
for her future... and
I barely know her.
What's your excuse?
(Girls giggling)
Oh, no, no, no.
Did the janitor get arrested
for selling meth again?
'Cause there is trash
all over the schoolyard.
Who are you calling trash,
you four-eyed hobbit?
Girl, you're the one
showing off those fugly feet
in your rite-aid flip-flops,
with your weird pinky toes
that point at 90-degree angles.
It looks like your feet
are trying to hitch a ride.
And, Jenna, you need
to shave that big head, girl,
'cause either you got the lice
or the dandruff,
or a waiter shaved fresh
parmesan on your shoulders.
Don't you walk away, Bianca.
You walk like the march
of the dang penguins.
Every time you go
to the water fountain,
Morgan Freeman starts narrating.
(Snaps fingers)
Shut up! Stop being
so mean to us.
Fine. As long as you recognize
that I am the queen bee.
From now on, I make the plans,
and you follow them.
First up: You will delete
that picture from your Facebook
and issue an apology.
And, oh, yes, there's more.
I will reveal the rest
of my plan after school
at my house.
If you're not there...
♪
Mmm. Thanks for the lunch, guys.
This baby of yours
is always hungry.
Oh, did you try
the Ikea meatballs?
We know they're your favorite.
Ooh, and the hot dogs
you love from costco.
Oh, this is all really sweet,
but are you only doing this
'cause Monty asked me
to be his surrogate?
Monty who now did what now?
Bryan, stop.
Yes, we heard what he did.
Well, I said no.
Oh, thank God.
Because, honestly,
we were kind of hoping
that you would be
the surrogate for our next baby.
We were thinking
a year and a half
down the road
after this one's born.
Because then we'll be
looking at preschools.
Yeah, and then after he's
enrolled, a year after that,
then maybe we could start
talking about our third.
Which will be perfect, 'cause
then we have our 40th birthdays
in Napa, which we should
start planning, by the way.
True. All the kids will
be out of diapers.
Whoa-whoa, wait-wait-wait, guys.
What about me in all this?
I'm not just a baby maker.
I have a plan, too.
And it doesn't involve
being pregnant all the time.
I want to start making
my own children's clothes.
I want to set up a booth
at the farmers' market
and... see what happens.
Wait, that's a plan?
That's... fantastic,
Goldie; We had no idea.
Look, I love you guys...
you know that.
I never would have gotten
to this point without you.
And as much as I
would love to be
knocked up with your next one,
I can't commit right now.
I need to stick to my plan.
Yes, you do.
Are you okay with that?
Yes, Goldie, we only want you
to be successful, and happy.
David: And now that you're
starting a new business,
then you're gonna need
all of the energy
and focus that you could get.
So eat up, lady.
You have got some sewing to do!
Okay.
(Laughs)
Mmm...
Mmm...
I love you, guys.
Not as much as this
deep-fried calamari,
but pretty darn close.
First of all, I'm not gonna
thank you all for coming today,
because a queen bee
never thanks her subjects.
That's cool. We're just happy...
Silence!
(Snaps fingers)
Queen bee speaking.
From this moment on,
the queen bee declares
that no one shall ever
be a queen bee again.
Bianca:
What do you mean?
Who's gonna be our,
like, leader?
We all will.
We're gonna stop pointing
out each other's flaws
and start supporting
each other as people,
and especially as women.
Read these books
by my feminist heroes,
Germaine Greer and Dolly Parton.
They'll teach you how to love
and embrace all womanhood.
And tonight, we shall burn
all our Barbie dolls
in united unrealistic
body expectation solidarity,
then dance, intoxicated
by the plastic fumes.
Shania... you're weird.
And I love it, sister.
We were wrong to accuse Monty
of stealing Goldie.
It'll make us feel better
to apologize.
Fine. But you
have to say
(rings doorbell)
The actual "I'm sorry" part.
I'll just nod earnestly.
You look like
Katherine hepburn.
Hello, boys.
Gary, why are you...
Monty, we've got company!
Phone call would've been nice.
But come on in.
What are you doing here?
The real question is:
What are you doing here?
Oh, hey, guys.
What a nice surprise.
Thanks for getting the door.
Oh.
Honey, breath.
Oh, sorry.
Remember what I told you.
Here you go.
"Please" and "thank you."
What in the hell
is happening here?
Oh, you know, life has
a funny way of working out.
A few days ago, I was doing
Tai chi on the beach,
and I look over
and there is Gary, filming me.
Gary: I was
stalking you.
No, you weren't.
Yes, I was!
I was dressed up like a ups man.
My little stalker!
Had a little camera in my box.
Anyway, we ended up
spending the day together,
and it turns out Gary is
a whiz at organization.
He completely
de-cluttered my life.
He even cleaned up
my DVR queue.
I mean, who am I kidding?
I'm never gonna watch
breaking amish.
What can I say?
I'm a bossy, bossy bottom.
And that's what I needed.
Someone to tame
this wild stallion.
That's right.
So far, we have
a surprising amount in common.
We both love to whistle.
And we both really want
a family. Speaking of...
Oh, here she is! The
prettiest lady in the world!
There you are.
Guys, this is Nicole.
Hey, honey, go get
your tennis racket.
Your lesson starts in
half an hour, pretty lady.
You already have a kid?
No, it's Gary's niece.
Garrett is so good with kids.
Why didn't you guys tell me?
We wanted to make sure that we
ready we wanted to
make for parenthood
before we took
the old plungeroo,
so we're practicing
with my sister's oldest.
And she is thrilled
with the attention.
She eats paste and boogers
and doesn't have
a lick of friends,
and next year she gets her
third whack at fourth grade,
but you know what,
we love her to death.
But we need to thank you guys,
not just for introducing us,
but for showing us
what a loving family looks like.
It's what we aspire to.
And we got to get going, pumpkin.
Okay.
I've got all of your things
right inside of the bag.
And don't forget
your sunblock this time.
Oh, my prince on the streets
and freak in the sheets.
(Chuckles) Love him.
Thank you very much.
These buttons are so cute.
I can't believe
you made all these.
Do you like them?
I love them.
I'm a little ambivalent
about other kids having
access to my wicked style.
But I'll be okay,
at least until these
babies catch on.
I'm really proud of you, mom.
Thanks, monkey.
You know,
for the first time ever,
it feels like I'm
finally doing something
that I love... you know,
something... for me.
For us.
Awesome girl apparel?
Uh-huh. Just something I was
thinking about calling my stuff.
I wanted a name
that honored my inspiration.
You. You're my
awesome girl.
(Patting bed)
I saw you with
those mean girls,
how you showed them it's okay
to embrace who they are
and respect
everyone's differences.
If I had a Shania at my
school when I was your age,
maybe I wouldn't
have been so hung up
on my acne or my wonky eye.
Where is she looking?
Over there or over there?
Come on, mom, if you'd had a
good self-image in high school,
you wouldn't have gotten
pregnant when you were 15.
But then, you wouldn't be here
to make that point, so...
(Laughing)
Goldie:
You got it? Whoa, oh, my gosh.
Bryan: Someone once said... and I'm
going to say that it was me...
"if you want God to laugh,
make a plan."
Well, Goldie had a plan
to be a lawyer,
but it kind of
didn't go like that.
Shania!
Shania had a plan
to be well-liked
by her peers,
and she got that...
but not the way she planned.
(Indistinct shouts)
And David and I,
well, we always planned
on having a big family.
Looking good!
We just never planned on it
looking anything like this one.
12-year-old boy.
There was one magazine
I was always obsessed with.
Ladies' Home Journal.
And today,
LHJ is interviewing me.
They want to hear my thoughts
about the issues
that matter most.
And that's why I like gloves.
(Laughing)
Okay, now let's dig a little
deeper into Bryan Collins
and talk about family.
You and your partner
are expecting your first child.
Congratulations.
Have you always wanted a baby?
Oh, are you kidding?
My mom said I used to try
to breast-feed
my stretch Armstrong doll.
(Laughter)
Recently you said on Twitter
that you believe that men, like
women, have a biological clock.
That is true, and the clock
can start ticking at any time.
I mean, look at Brad pitt.
His biological clock
went off, and a year later,
he had half a dozen kids.
(Laughter)
But some men are born
without a clock.
Uh, for example,
my ex-boyfriend.
(Grunting)
Is this 70 or 80?
I don't count. I just watch.
Hey, why are you
packing clothes? We're not gonna
need 'em for mardi gras.
You know what, Monty? No.
What do you mean, "no"?
Just no. I...
I promised myself
I was gonna stay here
this weekend
and finish
my Smallville spec script,
and if I get on
that plane with you,
the whole weekend's
just gonna be filled
with booze and debauchery,
and I'm gonna end up
black-out drunk trying to flash
my boobs to a film crew.
Yeah. That sounds so much better
than my lame Smallville script.
Ah, come on, babe.
Write it on the plane.
It's, like,
a three-hour flight.
I'm gonna get so drunk
on teeny bottles of vodka.
Monty. Monty, Monty, no! Monty!
Monty, don't you have goals?
Yeah. Mardi gras, drunk!
No. Didn't you hear me?
I want to talk about our future.
All right.
When you picture us living in
a beautiful palapa by the sea...
Yeah, surfing rules, babe.
I know.
Do you imagine us
with children?
What do you mean? Like, native
children deboning fish for us?
(Laughing):
No.
I mean, if you could say
the perfect number of kids
for us to have, it would be...
Oh.
Wait. Think of the number,
and then we'll say it
at the same time. Ready? Go.
Three!
Zero!
But now my life
is completely different.
Now I have a partner who wants
a family as badly as I do.
Oh, well, do you and your fiancé
plan on having more children?
Absolutely.
When?
Let's get back to gloves.
Uh-huh.
That ladies' home journal woman
would not stop badgering me.
"Are you gonna have
more kids? How many?
What's your family
gonna look like?"
It was so accepting,
it was alienating.
She's right, though.
Family planning has a lot more
variables for couples like us.
We have to know
how many kids we want,
how far to space them apart,
whose sperm we'll use,
got to lock down an egg donor.
And we have to
make it all happen
before we get too old.
Ugh, David, that list
was the opposite of sexy.
Straight couples
have it so easy.
The only family planning they
have to do is a bottle of cab,
a French toast-scented candle
and a Netflix stream
of y tu mamá también.
Okay, well, let's talk about it.
Um, we know
we want more than one.
Nothing wrong with an only,
but I'd like to have my option
of having a favorite.
Two is great,
but so many wonderful
things come in threes.
Little pigs, Jonas brothers,
celebrity deaths.
Maybe we want to field
our own basketball team.
That's five, by the way. Really?
Okay, if you had to
say the ideal number
of kids for us to have,
what would it be?
Just think of the number,
and then we'll both
say it at the same time.
Okay.
Ready? And go. Three!
Three!
Both:
I love you so much.
Okay, name the six
fiduciary duties
of a California
real estate agent.
What are you doing here,
goggles?
Mom dropped me off.
She's off to Chinatown
to buy some new fabric.
Chinatown? The only thing
she's gonna find in Chinatown
are bad drivers
and future violinists.
Now, get over here.
I haven't had
any Shania hugs lately.
There you go.
Girl, that's a sad face
if I've ever seen one.
Did your Nana's racism
offend you, too?
No, I don't even hear it
anymore.
It's just that
some girls
at school were mean to me.
(Giggling)
Do you mind if I sit here?
Aw, sorry,
but we're busy
updating our Facebook homepages.
We're posting an overhead
picture of you taking
a hellacious number two
after math.
See the pretty, soft border?
Instagram rocks.
That's not true.
That's not me.
I only poop at home.
Good luck trying to prove that,
Debbie dumper.
You stink.
(Laughter)
Never lay your crossed eyes
on us again,
because you'll never
be friends with us
or anybody ever.
(Laughter)
Shania, you need to shut
those bitches down now,
or your self-esteem
is shot for life.
Rocky is 100% right.
What you need is a plan for
total and complete dominance.
And this isn't just for now.
You need to learn how to conquer
mean girls throughout adulthood
so that you can become
a strong, aspirational woman
like me and your Nana.
I don't understand.
Shania, women are always
at war in this world,
especially against each other.
Now, your Nana
is going to make sure
you have the right uniform...
And weapon... for battle.
So, here's our plan.
We'd love to have
three children,
ideally spaced two years apart,
with the second
child using his...
My dollop of me.
Very polite.
And for our third child,
we would love to mix
our genetic matter,
letting 'em Duke it out.
Yes. Father time
is ticking away,
and we don't want
to be those sad old dads
in the high-waisted slacks
hobbling to kindergarten
graduation.
Like Al Pacino.
Hoo-ha!
(Laughs)
(Crying)
Gary, what's wrong?
I'm going to die alone.
Well, that was a sudden turn.
That's what it means
to be bipolar!
I'm sorry. It's just all this
talk of dollops and Al Pacino.
I want what you guys have.
I want love and a family
and sweet-ass cars,
and sassy
African-American assistants.
I have dedicated my life
to putting together
families because
I've always wanted one.
But it's never going to happen.
I'm too old to meet anyone.
(Blows nose)
I've been on E-Harmony
and J-Date, but for some reason,
I just get paired with losers.
And then, at age six,
I learned I'm intersex.
All I want is a family.
I'm running out of time here.
What if we fixed Gary up
with your ex, Monty?
Oh.
No? I mean, when we bumped
into him a few months ago,
it seemed like he was
ready to settle down.
Bryan. David.
Monty.
Yeah.
Great to see you.
Guess some things never change.
Still rocking the
roller skates, I see.
Blades. Blades. Isn't
this place amazing?
I mean, look at this. It's
cantaloupe in its original form.
I thought it only came in little
chunks on the end of toothpicks.
It's wild, right?
Wild.
Surprised to see you here.
I thought you usually have
a team of boy toys do
your shopping for you.
No, no. I've whittled
it down to just two.
I want to set a good
example for my kid.
Wait. You have a kid?
Not yet, but I want to.
I know, I know. I used
to be the king of,
"gay means never having
to say I'm pregnant."
But then, I just realized,
it's time for me to grow up.
I want my own family.
Now I just need to find the
right man. You know anyone?
If the guy's got a pulse,
I'm in.
Hell, if he doesn't,
it wouldn't be the first time.
You have been studying
hard lately ***,
you deserve a reward.
Google "Jon Hamm
plus Moose Knuckle,"
and thank me later.
(Sighs quietly)
Well, that doesn't look
like the twisted grin
of a girl who just squashed
her first enemies.
The suit didn't work.
I demand to sit with you!
There is no reason why
I should be excluded,
and I will not be disrespected
any longer.
As you can see by my outfit,
I mean business.
(Giggling)
Oh, my God.
It's Lindsay Lohan
when she has
to show up for court.
My mom used to dress like that
before she read
50 shades of grey.
(Laughter)
I'm shocked.
Really, the Nancy Reagan
red always works for me.
Of course it didn't work.
It's not about the suit.
Shania, girls like that
don't respond to reason.
They respond to reading.
Now, if you want the power,
you got to go in there
and read those girls
and take it!
Read, like, books?
Mm-hmm.
Hell, no.
Reading is a time-honored manner
of cutting someone down
with your words.
Oh, like the drags taught us
in west Hollywood.
Correct.
Reading is an oral tradition
passed down through
generations of queens.
It's all about obtaining power
through insult
by focusing in on someone's
flaws and putting them on blast.
Speaking of flaws, I noticed
your crow's feet are showing.
Did the 99-cent store run out
of your wrinkle cream again?
Or did your eyes request a road
map to your receding wig line?
My eyes are fine.
For example,
they can see that you've been
packing on the pounds.
That cushion-for-the-pushin'
is so big, it's part
of a 12-piece sectional!
Reading.
A necessity of life.
Give half-pint some
more pointers, ladies.
You so big and fat,
you need to use the eiffel tower
like a toothpick.
Girl, you're so haggard and old,
your first pet was a T. Rex.
Okay, so all I have to do
to dominate
and win the respect of my peers
is snap my fingers like this?
Yes, honey, and head
like a propeller.
Head.
Now put it all together.
Put your back into it!
Read!
Back in... back into it! Yeah!
And by the end of the
summer, thanks to me,
the Greek island of Naxos
had house music.
Uh, but Monty, that's not really
how you live anymore, right?
I mean, you were telling me
how you're very serious
about settling down?
Yeah, I am done with
that whole lifestyle.
I mean, it gets tired,
jetting off to Prague
every weekend with Frank ocean.
Love him.
Love "Caribbean queen."
That kind of stuff used to be
the big perk of being gay.
You could just keep the party
going your whole life.
Now, thank God, some of us are
growing up and giving back.
I'm ready to start
planning a family.
I mean, I tell people
that I'm 30.
Well, we couldn't
recommend it enough.
Bryan and I have decided
that we're going to have two
more kids after our baby comes.
Oh.
See, a beautiful family.
That's what I want
right there. Boom.
Boom! Just got to
find the right guy.
David: Mmm. Who's got two thumbs
and no gag reflex? This guy.
Hi. Sorry. I just got to
get some more paper towels.
Oh, it's okay.
Uh, this is Goldie.
She's our surrogate
and our very close friend.
I'm dying fabric
in the guest house,
and it's a little messy.
Totally unrelated, Bryan...
that lambskin throw?
That's scotchgarded, right?
May I touch your belly?
Do you mind?
Oh, uh... sure.
I have never touched
a pregnant belly before.
Hmm.
It's so hard.
Mmm. And there's a
baby growing inside.
Right there in your belly.
I got a belly, too,
and you can touch it,
but I warn you... I'm very
ticklish... and shaved.
(Goldie laughs)
I'm sure people tell you this
all the time, but
you are very good-looking,
and yes,
I know that you're gay.
My point is...
This is a very confusing
moment for me.
Man, being so close
to human life
like this... everything else
seems... pointless.
I had that exact thought
when I had my daughter.
You have a daughter?
Goldie: Mm-hmm. Shania.
She's nine.
Monty: I love the name Shania.
I saw Shania twain
twice when I was living in London.
Oh, I love england.
(Bad British accent):
Hello, governor.
Blimey. Would you like
a cup of tea?
That's so good.
Hey, do you mind if I come back
and watch you do your thing?
Maybe you can give me a
crash course in surrogacy.
Come on!
I used to collect
Franklin mint plates
of prince Charles and lady di.
Oh, God, why did I say that?
I'm so stupid.
I'm... I'm sure Monty
will be back any minute.
It's been over an hour.
What are they doing in there?
Oh, my God, Goldie.
These are amazing.
I mean, they're
so drew Barrymore...
Pre-Jewish art dealer
and post-strokes drummer.
Oh, you could totally
write for Wikipedia.
Really?
Yeah.
Bryan, David,
thank you guys so much
for inviting me over.
If you hadn't, I never
would have met Goldie,
and I never would have figured out my plan.
Uh, what plan is that?
Well, just because I haven't
met the right guy yet
shouldn't stop me
from my dreams.
I've decided, I'm gonna
pull a Sandra bullock
and move ahead
without a partner.
I'm gonna have
a baby by myself.
He'd rather have
no one than me.
To family planning.
All you need to do now is
find yourself
an egg donor and a surrogate.
Well, I can already cross one
of those things off the list.
I asked Goldie to
be my surrogate.
♪
I can't believe your
ex-boyfriend has the nerve
to try to steal our surrogate.
And it's so like Monty, too...
we invite him
into our home,
try to fix him up,
but no matter what he gets
in life, he always wants more.
Well, Goldie is our surrogate.
I say we go over there,
we knock down his door
and we tell him to back off.
Knock down his door?
Yeah. Well,
knock down, knock on.
Even if there's a doorbell,
I say we push it hard.
Well, this is gonna be
a first for Monty.
I don't think anyone's
ever said no to him.
(Chuckling):
Certainly not me.
I mean, I don't remember
anybody before you.
Woman (On video):
I'm selling my eggs,
'cause I believe everybody...
married, single,
straight or gay...
who wants a baby deserves
the chance to have one.
Plus, Taylor Swift
is coming to town,
and ticket prices are insane!
So please buy my eggs,
or I'll die! Die.
David:
Hello. Where is he? Monty!
Where are you?
Oh, hey, guys.
I was just looking at
potential egg donors.
There are a lot of
whack jobs out there.
Hey, what donor number
did you guys use?
No. No way. That is exactly
why we need to talk to you.
Right after you
put your shirt on.
David, there's no time.
We're here to yell at you.
Yell at me?
Mm-hmm.
For what? You think you can
just blade into our lives
with your
ridiculously toned abs
that would make Mario Lopez
feel premenstrual,
and just buy whatever you want?
You can't buy everything.
Goldie is not for sale.
Of course she is. How'd you guys
meet her in the first place?
Maybe she doesn't have a "for
lease" sign nailed to her vagina,
'cause that would hurt an awful
lot, but that's what she is:
A blonde Incubator
who's cool and fun to be around.
And what's the price on that?
'Cause I'll pay triple.
Hey! Back off!
Whoa. Goldie is our friend.
She's practically our family.
She's gonna have
our other kids, too.
Really?
Yeah.
'Cause I don't think
she knows that.
And you guys blame me
for trying to buy her,
but at least I had the respect
to ask what her plans are
for her future... and
I barely know her.
What's your excuse?
(Girls giggling)
Oh, no, no, no.
Did the janitor get arrested
for selling meth again?
'Cause there is trash
all over the schoolyard.
Who are you calling trash,
you four-eyed hobbit?
Girl, you're the one
showing off those fugly feet
in your rite-aid flip-flops,
with your weird pinky toes
that point at 90-degree angles.
It looks like your feet
are trying to hitch a ride.
And, Jenna, you need
to shave that big head, girl,
'cause either you got the lice
or the dandruff,
or a waiter shaved fresh
parmesan on your shoulders.
Don't you walk away, Bianca.
You walk like the march
of the dang penguins.
Every time you go
to the water fountain,
Morgan Freeman starts narrating.
(Snaps fingers)
Shut up! Stop being
so mean to us.
Fine. As long as you recognize
that I am the queen bee.
From now on, I make the plans,
and you follow them.
First up: You will delete
that picture from your Facebook
and issue an apology.
And, oh, yes, there's more.
I will reveal the rest
of my plan after school
at my house.
If you're not there...
♪
Mmm. Thanks for the lunch, guys.
This baby of yours
is always hungry.
Oh, did you try
the Ikea meatballs?
We know they're your favorite.
Ooh, and the hot dogs
you love from costco.
Oh, this is all really sweet,
but are you only doing this
'cause Monty asked me
to be his surrogate?
Monty who now did what now?
Bryan, stop.
Yes, we heard what he did.
Well, I said no.
Oh, thank God.
Because, honestly,
we were kind of hoping
that you would be
the surrogate for our next baby.
We were thinking
a year and a half
down the road
after this one's born.
Because then we'll be
looking at preschools.
Yeah, and then after he's
enrolled, a year after that,
then maybe we could start
talking about our third.
Which will be perfect, 'cause
then we have our 40th birthdays
in Napa, which we should
start planning, by the way.
True. All the kids will
be out of diapers.
Whoa-whoa, wait-wait-wait, guys.
What about me in all this?
I'm not just a baby maker.
I have a plan, too.
And it doesn't involve
being pregnant all the time.
I want to start making
my own children's clothes.
I want to set up a booth
at the farmers' market
and... see what happens.
Wait, that's a plan?
That's... fantastic,
Goldie; We had no idea.
Look, I love you guys...
you know that.
I never would have gotten
to this point without you.
And as much as I
would love to be
knocked up with your next one,
I can't commit right now.
I need to stick to my plan.
Yes, you do.
Are you okay with that?
Yes, Goldie, we only want you
to be successful, and happy.
David: And now that you're
starting a new business,
then you're gonna need
all of the energy
and focus that you could get.
So eat up, lady.
You have got some sewing to do!
Okay.
(Laughs)
Mmm...
Mmm...
I love you, guys.
Not as much as this
deep-fried calamari,
but pretty darn close.
First of all, I'm not gonna
thank you all for coming today,
because a queen bee
never thanks her subjects.
That's cool. We're just happy...
Silence!
(Snaps fingers)
Queen bee speaking.
From this moment on,
the queen bee declares
that no one shall ever
be a queen bee again.
Bianca:
What do you mean?
Who's gonna be our,
like, leader?
We all will.
We're gonna stop pointing
out each other's flaws
and start supporting
each other as people,
and especially as women.
Read these books
by my feminist heroes,
Germaine Greer and Dolly Parton.
They'll teach you how to love
and embrace all womanhood.
And tonight, we shall burn
all our Barbie dolls
in united unrealistic
body expectation solidarity,
then dance, intoxicated
by the plastic fumes.
Shania... you're weird.
And I love it, sister.
We were wrong to accuse Monty
of stealing Goldie.
It'll make us feel better
to apologize.
Fine. But you
have to say
(rings doorbell)
The actual "I'm sorry" part.
I'll just nod earnestly.
You look like
Katherine hepburn.
Hello, boys.
Gary, why are you...
Monty, we've got company!
Phone call would've been nice.
But come on in.
What are you doing here?
The real question is:
What are you doing here?
Oh, hey, guys.
What a nice surprise.
Thanks for getting the door.
Oh.
Honey, breath.
Oh, sorry.
Remember what I told you.
Here you go.
"Please" and "thank you."
What in the hell
is happening here?
Oh, you know, life has
a funny way of working out.
A few days ago, I was doing
Tai chi on the beach,
and I look over
and there is Gary, filming me.
Gary: I was
stalking you.
No, you weren't.
Yes, I was!
I was dressed up like a ups man.
My little stalker!
Had a little camera in my box.
Anyway, we ended up
spending the day together,
and it turns out Gary is
a whiz at organization.
He completely
de-cluttered my life.
He even cleaned up
my DVR queue.
I mean, who am I kidding?
I'm never gonna watch
breaking amish.
What can I say?
I'm a bossy, bossy bottom.
And that's what I needed.
Someone to tame
this wild stallion.
That's right.
So far, we have
a surprising amount in common.
We both love to whistle.
And we both really want
a family. Speaking of...
Oh, here she is! The
prettiest lady in the world!
There you are.
Guys, this is Nicole.
Hey, honey, go get
your tennis racket.
Your lesson starts in
half an hour, pretty lady.
You already have a kid?
No, it's Gary's niece.
Garrett is so good with kids.
Why didn't you guys tell me?
We wanted to make sure that we
ready we wanted to
make for parenthood
before we took
the old plungeroo,
so we're practicing
with my sister's oldest.
And she is thrilled
with the attention.
She eats paste and boogers
and doesn't have
a lick of friends,
and next year she gets her
third whack at fourth grade,
but you know what,
we love her to death.
But we need to thank you guys,
not just for introducing us,
but for showing us
what a loving family looks like.
It's what we aspire to.
And we got to get going, pumpkin.
Okay.
I've got all of your things
right inside of the bag.
And don't forget
your sunblock this time.
Oh, my prince on the streets
and freak in the sheets.
(Chuckles) Love him.
Thank you very much.
These buttons are so cute.
I can't believe
you made all these.
Do you like them?
I love them.
I'm a little ambivalent
about other kids having
access to my wicked style.
But I'll be okay,
at least until these
babies catch on.
I'm really proud of you, mom.
Thanks, monkey.
You know,
for the first time ever,
it feels like I'm
finally doing something
that I love... you know,
something... for me.
For us.
Awesome girl apparel?
Uh-huh. Just something I was
thinking about calling my stuff.
I wanted a name
that honored my inspiration.
You. You're my
awesome girl.
(Patting bed)
I saw you with
those mean girls,
how you showed them it's okay
to embrace who they are
and respect
everyone's differences.
If I had a Shania at my
school when I was your age,
maybe I wouldn't
have been so hung up
on my acne or my wonky eye.
Where is she looking?
Over there or over there?
Come on, mom, if you'd had a
good self-image in high school,
you wouldn't have gotten
pregnant when you were 15.
But then, you wouldn't be here
to make that point, so...
(Laughing)
Goldie:
You got it? Whoa, oh, my gosh.
Bryan: Someone once said... and I'm
going to say that it was me...
"if you want God to laugh,
make a plan."
Well, Goldie had a plan
to be a lawyer,
but it kind of
didn't go like that.
Shania!
Shania had a plan
to be well-liked
by her peers,
and she got that...
but not the way she planned.
(Indistinct shouts)
And David and I,
well, we always planned
on having a big family.
Looking good!
We just never planned on it
looking anything like this one.