The New Normal (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 13 - Stay-At-Home Dad - full transcript
Mr. Mom.
***
and the nanny agency
certainly loves you.
We just have
a couple more questions for you.
Tiny things.
Can you list
the systematic differences
between the common
cold and sinusitis?
And please give me both Western
and naturopathic responses.
The Internet has both helped
and hurt man's development. Discuss.
Muppets or puppets?
And if you'll please,
Ernie or Bert?
Our child's hungry,
but there's only Swiss chard,
a can of sardines,
and marshmallows in the house.
What do you make?
It's Ernie.
Time.
Thank you for coming.
Our son hurts himself...
nothing serious,
just a skinned knee...
but in that moment, the shock
of the pain terrifies him.
The world seems
chaotic and cruel.
He needs a source
of total love and protection,
and as his big teary eyes
look up at you,
what do you do?
I put butter on it?
Thank you for coming.
Well, that was depressing.
11 prospective nannies and not
one of them makes the cut.
I know, and I do not think we
are being that hard to please.
Have you been touching
my things?
Bry, I don't want
to hire a nanny.
I'm so happy you're saying this.
Of course, one of us
would have to quit work
for a while.
Me, me... please
let it be me.
I've always wanted to
be a stay-at-home dad.
I'll have playdates
and I'll worry
about the croup,
whatever that is,
and-and I'll hang
on his every "goo-goo"
and "lady gaga."
Really, you'd be willing
to do that?
'Cause I was kind of thinking
that I could do it, too.
David, you're a doctor.
Your job is life-or-death.
I'm just a simple
television producer
that's changed the world and
sets the cultural barometer,
and besides, sing!
Writes itself.
Bry, in all the years
that I've known you,
you've woken up early once,
and that was to watch
Kate and William's
royal wedding in real time.
David, I can do this.
It's in the bag.
Hey!
Surprise!
Hey, look at you,
sweating like Ann coulter
in an iranian mosque.
I don't know
what any of those words are.
So, what's going on?
With your birthday coming up,
we thought we would treat you
to some much
deserved pampering.
Wha...?
A week-long stay
at the serenity spa in Sedona?
Is it safe
to travel to Mexico?
It's in Arizona
and it's fabulous.
You can even get a hot
pebble massage for the baby.
Oh, this is very sweet, guys,
but I can't just leave Shania
for a week.
We will watch Shania.
Boom. Bryan thinks he can be
a stay-at-home dad.
And David doesn't think
I can do it,
but once I set my mind to
something, I always succeed.
Did I not put together that
Ikea footstool for Goldie?
It was a solitary block.
Mm-hmm. Oh, this is so generous.
I mean,
I haven't been
on vacation since
Shania was born.
So... will you take us up
on our offer?
Are you kidding?
I'm gonna go pack now.
Viva Sedona!
In my opinion the color palate
flat-out does not work.
Bryan's
going to hate it.
I like how the red lamp
complements
the pink flame duvet.
I like the story that it tells,
if this were a teen whorehouse
in a John Hughes movie.
Total redo.
Where have you been?
You missed rehearsal
the other night.
Did you follow Bebe Neuwirth
home from
the gas station again?
Yes. Rocky, I've
come to a decision.
When my baby comes, I'm
gonna go on paternity leave.
I'm gonna be a
stay-at-home dad.
You, a stay-at-home-dad?
That's like me being
a featured actress on girls.
Who's gonna take over
while you're gone?
Well, I guess the sing!
Writers can handle it.
They have nothing else to do
with their lives except buy
more ill-fitting
fleece items.
Excuse me,
you need a producer
to hold this ship together.
You need a Captain.
You need me.
Ha!
Bryan, I've dreamt
of being a producer
ever since I was a kid.
I produced my own version
of fat Albert.
Even did my own spin-off.
Cut, cut, cut!
The revenge,
people.
Now, fat Albert,
eat the little white girl!
Well, rocky, I didn't realize
you wanted to be a producer.
Let me prove to you
that I can do this.
I don't know if you're ready.
Hi, Bry.
Hi.
Hate to interrupt,
but my character
would never say this stuff.
Oh, so you don't
like what's written?
Maybe you'll like what I wrote.
Interior, basement.
Night.
Brynn, in her cheer uniform,
lays tied up on a cold table.
A crazy hunchback
enters and stabs her
several times in the face.
We cut to the hospital,
and sure enough, Brynn survives
but needs a face transplant.
Enter.
Demi Lovato, who will
do it for cheap.
I'll do it as written.
The ship is yours.
I can't stop eating pottery
and cigarette ashes.
Hey, you two.
Ew, what is that smell?
We're watching a marathon
of my strange addiction
and eating
some of the "safely edible"
obsessions from the show.
I ate cotton.
Well, it's 10:00.
Headed to bed.
I think it's a little
past Shania's bedtime, too?
I'm pretty sure Shania can handle
a few more episodes, right?
We can't stop now.
We haven't found
out what happens
to that lady who eats
her dead husband's ashes.
Okay.
Bry, I hope you know that,
when the baby comes, gonna have
to keep him on a schedule.
Babies need structure.
Aw, would you eat
my ashes, babe?
I think you need
help for this, I think...
Bryan!
Bry, Shania's calling you.
Shh, I took a Lunesta.
You can't take sleeping pills
when you're responsible
for a child.
As long as Dr. daddy is here,
papa's going to pill down.
Bryan!
All right, I'm on it.
Are you okay?
What's wrong?
I can't sleep.
That creepy mobile
above the crib is making
scary shadows on the wall.
This is an ancient
Mayan goddess of sleep;
It's very chic.
Oh, my God, that is terrifying.
It's just that I've never woken
up in the middle of the night
and not had my mom there
to comfort me.
Oh.
Once upon a time,
I saw a woman named Uma Thurman
without any makeup on
under the harsh
fluorescent lights
of a walgreens at
2:00 in the morning,
clutching a six-pack
of vanilla ensure.
And...
Oh, wait,
that story is too scary.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so glad you're here,
Bryan; You're the best.
I almost don't miss my...
Come on, Bryan, wake up.
It's 7:30.
Oh, 7:30, thank God.
Three more hours of sleep.
No, you have exactly 20
minutes to make my breakfast,
pack my lunch, quiz me
on my spelling words,
and drive me to school.
School, yes, right, on it!
Here you go!
Oh.
An avocado, a club soda,
and a wheel of brie?
Well, I could give you
camembert,
but I doubt your palate
is sophisticated enough
to appreciate the difference.
Come on, let's go!
Bye, honey! Have a
good day at school!
Learn stuff
you can Google later.
Hi.
I'm Courtney, this is Tasha.
We are the school's
parent project coordinators.
Oh, um, I am Bryan.
I'm taking care of Shania while
her mom's away. Wonderful.
My son's Ethan, and
he's right over there
playing with
Courtney's son Ethan.
Oh, um, oh, look at them...
they're, they're like two little
perfect Vegas magicians.
How'd you get 'em
out the door like that?
I barely had time to get
pants on Shania. I relate.
Yesterday, after strength
training, I do the housework,
work on my blog...
which is kind of
a girl, interrupted at 40
kind of thing...
marinate an osso buco
for dinner,
meditate, and it hits me:
I haven't prepared
Ethan's vegan lunch
for school tomorrow yet.
How did you possibly get
all that done in time?
I did.
Of course she did.
Anyway, we're holding a
princess tea and social
tomorrow and we were wondering
if you, as Shania's caretaker,
had time to provide
decorations.
I do, oh, I definitely do.
Great... it
is so nice
to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Bye.
There go the botoxic avengers.
Are you a Christian dude
who preaches to kids
not to do drugs or something?
Oh, no, no, uh...
I'm a dad.
I'm a stay-at-home dad.
Good times, huh?
Having a four-foot tall boss
who screams
and sneezes in your face.
I love taking care of a child.
I-I love that that's
my daily life.
See, I see
what you're doing there.
Aw...
Here, let me try one.
Tonight my wife
won't visibly recoil
at my touch.
She's lost all respect for me.
And I don't blame her.
Oh.
Start.
Start.
Start, start, start, start.
Hola, Goldie.
How's Sedona?
Awesome.
I can't stop eating
the cucumber on my face.
I wish I had ranch dressing.
How's Shania?
I'm, I'm just checking in.
Oh, she is great.
She's happy,
she's just, you know,
wise beyond her years.
Um, silly question.
David wants to know how to use
the washing machine.
Oh, Bryan,
a man has entered
with a bacon sandwich,
and there's a lady
with big thumbs rubbing my feet.
I'm sorry, I don't think
I can concentrate
on what you're saying anymore.
Just put four quarters
in the machine
and push the biggest knob.
All right, thanks.
No, n-n-no.
Bryan Collins, stay-at-home dad.
Shania threw up?
Was it on purpose?
I need it to be darker.
I need it to be brighter.
I need soup.
I want chicken noodle.
I'm cold, I need more blankets.
Triangles?
I'm hot, I want a fan.
I want to watch
house hunters international.
Will you play with my hair?
What's a vagina for
other than peeing?
I want you to draw
a picture of me,
but as a pig
eating a ham sandwich.
Sing me an esoteric
Broadway medley.
Watch cataract surgery
with me on YouTube.
I'm gonna try peanuts
for the first time.
I want to play video games.
I want my mommy.
I need water. I need air.
I'm bored.
Hey, Bry,
how was your day?
What, is the pilot light out
or something?
I'm trying to figure out
how Sylvia plath did it.
I can't do it, David.
I said I could be a stay-at-home
dad, but I can't do it.
You have to do it.
Bryan!
Help me, please.
It's the middle of the night.
It's 7:00,
and it's just dark
'cause you have your
sleep mask on.
Don't worry.
Daddy David's on the job.
Shania. Shania?
Morning, sunshine.
Looks like you're
feeling better.
Time to get ready for school.
But, David...
I brought you some
hot chocolate,
your slippers are
beside the bed,
and I don't want to rush you,
but breakfast
is ready downstairs.
Hot chocolate?
Slippers? Breakfast?
It's like I'm at a spa
like my mom.
Uh-huh. Come on.
It's a beautiful day.
T minus 60 minutes
to go over your math homework
and your spelling words...
I cannot decide
which one I want to do first...
and I will have you at school
with plenty of time to spare.
David, you don't...
And... if we have
any time left,
we can go through
your yearbook and I will
tell you which one
of the boys you like
are slam-dunk gays.
I thought you said
school starts at 8:45.
It does. Just not on Saturday.
What? It's sat... it's Saturday.
Why didn't you tell me?
I tried, but you were so excited
about staying on schedule.
And you gave me hot chocolate.
I mean, I'm jacked up.
The only thing I have today
is a princess tea and social
at my friend Bianca's house,
but that's
not till 3:00.
What do we do until then?
Ooh! We could go
to Radioshack
and check out
the new cell phone skins.
I'm bored.
I know it's Saturday,
but this is an emergency.
I've been getting reports about
your behavior on set this week.
And do these reports include
words such as "excellent" and...
"Professional"
and "fine as hell"?
Rocky, I put my empire
in your hands,
and you've run around
terrorizing people
like Christian bale in heels.
Cut!
Hey, I'm the director.
I yell "cut."
Not anymore you don't!
This is not iCarly.
I want shirts off.
Girls' tops, too.
This is a sex scene!
And the key to good sex
is moisture, even teen sex!
Makeup!
Lather 'em up!
And when I say "action,"
I want to see tongues.
Where's the water?
The production will
no longer be providing
expensive bottled water.
You want some,
get it from the park
on your way to work
and store it in the hump
on your back.
But I'm thirsty now.
Why the hell you need water
when we have orange
and purple fantas right here?
Look!
Are you writers all brain-dead?!
Another Barbra Streisand medley?
This is a high school show.
It is not believable
that a 16-year-old girl
played by a 26-year-old actress
would be singing songs
by a 70-year-old lady.
We're gonna get
some real music on this show.
This is R. Kelly.
Trapped in the closet.
And we will be reenacting
all 40 chapters.
Um, this thing is
90 minutes long.
And?
We're an hour show.
Well, then you'd better
write small, nerds.
You used the n-word.
I know.
And I called them nerds.
I trusted you at a time
when I was completely
overwhelmed,
and now I have
to spend the entire week
putting out your fires.
I-I'm sorry.
I really thought I was doing
my best for you.
If you need me...
...I'll be at
crustacean restaurant,
drowning my sorrows
in black bean crab.
There's everything you need.
And thanks again
for agreeing to host
the party at the last minute.
I can't believe the
pta decided to schedule
an emergency meeting today.
We're spearheading
an anti-name-calling campaign,
and if we're not there,
those brain-dead morons
will just screw it up.
Okay, princess party.
Before we get started, I thought
we could all get
to know each other.
Cupcakes!
I know. Let's start
with cupcakes.
Okay, miladies,
hope the tea is to your liking.
Why are you talking to us
like that? We're not four.
My apologies, princess Rebecca.
Off with me head.
Whoa.
Tough castle.
Hey, where you going?
Rebecca and Erin are ignoring
me, so I'm going to take a bath.
Take a bath? No, no, no.
Wait, you can't take a bath.
Shania, will you go
talk to her, please?
I don't really
know her that well.
Your wife looks like a man.
Whoa, where you guys going?
It doesn't
belong in the ballroom.
Oh!
All right. Let me jump in!
Oh, my lord. Oh!
Ow.
You hit my face with the zipper.
I'm gonna have
to get plastic surgery.
I honestly don't know why
your daddy wants to live alone
in an apartment.
I thought you were gonna put
makeup on yourselves.
Quiet, peasant!
I really couldn't
conjecture who the woman is
that keeps calling
your house. Maybe...
It's a business associate
of your father's.
Charge!
Charge!
Charge!
Oh, my God.
Where did you get
all those scissors?!
Ha!
Girls?
They went upstairs to look
through your nightstand.
My nightst...
Look, we found
your see-through lotion.
Mmm, it tastes
like strawberries.
I want to taste it.
David...
You up here?
How was the party?
I was sure that I could
do it better than you,
but I couldn't.
They're dressed like princesses,
but they're monsters.
Monsters.
I know.
We'll figure it out.
Is that my tiara?
So, you like babies?
Oh, yes. Very much.
Do you know
how to purée a carrot?
N-no, but I'm happy to learn.
Sounds good.
You seem great.
No! You cannot
hire a nanny.
No offense.
I'm sure you're wonderful.
Bitch.
Goldie, what are
you doing back here?
You still have
four more days at the spa.
Shania called me.
She said she was worried
about you guys.
We're sorry, Goldie.
We thought we could
do it, but...
We can't. We need
professional help.
No. You don't.
Every parent in the history
of parenting goes through this.
They think they can't handle it,
that it's all gonna fall apart.
And the truth is, sometimes
it all falls apart.
That was... comforting advice.
I'm not gonna lie to you guys.
Raising a kid is hard.
But...
You figure it out.
I mean, I more or less
did it alone.
But you two have each other.
Yeah, but we both suck.
Mm.
You both have
different strengths.
David, you are practical
and organized.
Bryan, you're fun and creative.
I don't think
I like my strengths.
You don't have to be great
at everything,
as long as each of you
is great at something.
You know what?
Keep Shania for one more day.
You'll see.
I came as soon
as I got your text.
You didn't say what it was
about, but I randomly bought you
a latte and the ointment for
that of which we do not speak.
No, no, no, no.
It's not about any of that.
I've been watching
the episode of sing!
That you produced in my absence.
And it's fantastic.
It's one of the best. Ever.
Oh, my God. I can't believe
the episode made you cry.
It did, but that's
not why I'm emotional.
You shaved 22%
off the show's budget.
Because you cut
bottled water, the studio
is honoring me
as environmentally conscious
instead of cheap.
You are brilliant,
you are fierce,
and you are fine as hell.
And it is a privilege
to play any part
in making your dreams come true.
Are you serious?
Because if you're not,
I will snap you in half.
No, no, no. It's not a joke.
I do have one more low-level
task for you to perform though.
Okay.
Can you get me
that chair over there?
How much did that chair cost?
And what part of the budget
did you take it from?
Because this show
is not paying for
that damn thing.
Just so you know.
Never wonder why we call
of mom who works award.
"A working mom" and a dad
who works
is just called "a dad"?
Well, for eons, women were
the unsung heroes
of raising the kids.
They tended the cave while men
were hunting, gathering,
pillaging, and eventually
donning sharp suits
to work in ad agencies
and host game shows.
But families
look different now.
No matter what their gender,
all that matters
is being lucky enough
thank you.
To have a partner to count on,
an ally who'll always
have your back.
Thank you.
They are the strengths
to your weaknesses,
the Yin to your Yang,
the Kathie Lee to your Hoda.
Look at the face more.
Ready?
Uh-huh.
Perfect.
So, in a right
triangle, the sum of
the square of the
legs is equal to?
The square of the hypotenuse?
And in 2005 which movie won the
academy award for best picture?
Crash.
I know.
I don't get it either.
Here you go.
Thanks.
Have a good day!
Occasionally, you'll run
into a fellow
stay-at-home warrior
who's struggling with
the relentless chaos of doing
the hardest job in the world.
Aw, come here.
When you see
one of these pioneers,
appreciate that
they were trailblazers
for the rest of us.
And in the end,
if you're feeling overwhelmed,
sometimes you just
have to admit
that no one person
can do everything.
At least not well.
Sure, it'll take us a bit
to work out the kinks
of this whole
stay-at-home dad thing.
And are we gonna
make mistakes? Sure.
But at least we'll make them...
Together.
and the nanny agency
certainly loves you.
We just have
a couple more questions for you.
Tiny things.
Can you list
the systematic differences
between the common
cold and sinusitis?
And please give me both Western
and naturopathic responses.
The Internet has both helped
and hurt man's development. Discuss.
Muppets or puppets?
And if you'll please,
Ernie or Bert?
Our child's hungry,
but there's only Swiss chard,
a can of sardines,
and marshmallows in the house.
What do you make?
It's Ernie.
Time.
Thank you for coming.
Our son hurts himself...
nothing serious,
just a skinned knee...
but in that moment, the shock
of the pain terrifies him.
The world seems
chaotic and cruel.
He needs a source
of total love and protection,
and as his big teary eyes
look up at you,
what do you do?
I put butter on it?
Thank you for coming.
Well, that was depressing.
11 prospective nannies and not
one of them makes the cut.
I know, and I do not think we
are being that hard to please.
Have you been touching
my things?
Bry, I don't want
to hire a nanny.
I'm so happy you're saying this.
Of course, one of us
would have to quit work
for a while.
Me, me... please
let it be me.
I've always wanted to
be a stay-at-home dad.
I'll have playdates
and I'll worry
about the croup,
whatever that is,
and-and I'll hang
on his every "goo-goo"
and "lady gaga."
Really, you'd be willing
to do that?
'Cause I was kind of thinking
that I could do it, too.
David, you're a doctor.
Your job is life-or-death.
I'm just a simple
television producer
that's changed the world and
sets the cultural barometer,
and besides, sing!
Writes itself.
Bry, in all the years
that I've known you,
you've woken up early once,
and that was to watch
Kate and William's
royal wedding in real time.
David, I can do this.
It's in the bag.
Hey!
Surprise!
Hey, look at you,
sweating like Ann coulter
in an iranian mosque.
I don't know
what any of those words are.
So, what's going on?
With your birthday coming up,
we thought we would treat you
to some much
deserved pampering.
Wha...?
A week-long stay
at the serenity spa in Sedona?
Is it safe
to travel to Mexico?
It's in Arizona
and it's fabulous.
You can even get a hot
pebble massage for the baby.
Oh, this is very sweet, guys,
but I can't just leave Shania
for a week.
We will watch Shania.
Boom. Bryan thinks he can be
a stay-at-home dad.
And David doesn't think
I can do it,
but once I set my mind to
something, I always succeed.
Did I not put together that
Ikea footstool for Goldie?
It was a solitary block.
Mm-hmm. Oh, this is so generous.
I mean,
I haven't been
on vacation since
Shania was born.
So... will you take us up
on our offer?
Are you kidding?
I'm gonna go pack now.
Viva Sedona!
In my opinion the color palate
flat-out does not work.
Bryan's
going to hate it.
I like how the red lamp
complements
the pink flame duvet.
I like the story that it tells,
if this were a teen whorehouse
in a John Hughes movie.
Total redo.
Where have you been?
You missed rehearsal
the other night.
Did you follow Bebe Neuwirth
home from
the gas station again?
Yes. Rocky, I've
come to a decision.
When my baby comes, I'm
gonna go on paternity leave.
I'm gonna be a
stay-at-home dad.
You, a stay-at-home-dad?
That's like me being
a featured actress on girls.
Who's gonna take over
while you're gone?
Well, I guess the sing!
Writers can handle it.
They have nothing else to do
with their lives except buy
more ill-fitting
fleece items.
Excuse me,
you need a producer
to hold this ship together.
You need a Captain.
You need me.
Ha!
Bryan, I've dreamt
of being a producer
ever since I was a kid.
I produced my own version
of fat Albert.
Even did my own spin-off.
Cut, cut, cut!
The revenge,
people.
Now, fat Albert,
eat the little white girl!
Well, rocky, I didn't realize
you wanted to be a producer.
Let me prove to you
that I can do this.
I don't know if you're ready.
Hi, Bry.
Hi.
Hate to interrupt,
but my character
would never say this stuff.
Oh, so you don't
like what's written?
Maybe you'll like what I wrote.
Interior, basement.
Night.
Brynn, in her cheer uniform,
lays tied up on a cold table.
A crazy hunchback
enters and stabs her
several times in the face.
We cut to the hospital,
and sure enough, Brynn survives
but needs a face transplant.
Enter.
Demi Lovato, who will
do it for cheap.
I'll do it as written.
The ship is yours.
I can't stop eating pottery
and cigarette ashes.
Hey, you two.
Ew, what is that smell?
We're watching a marathon
of my strange addiction
and eating
some of the "safely edible"
obsessions from the show.
I ate cotton.
Well, it's 10:00.
Headed to bed.
I think it's a little
past Shania's bedtime, too?
I'm pretty sure Shania can handle
a few more episodes, right?
We can't stop now.
We haven't found
out what happens
to that lady who eats
her dead husband's ashes.
Okay.
Bry, I hope you know that,
when the baby comes, gonna have
to keep him on a schedule.
Babies need structure.
Aw, would you eat
my ashes, babe?
I think you need
help for this, I think...
Bryan!
Bry, Shania's calling you.
Shh, I took a Lunesta.
You can't take sleeping pills
when you're responsible
for a child.
As long as Dr. daddy is here,
papa's going to pill down.
Bryan!
All right, I'm on it.
Are you okay?
What's wrong?
I can't sleep.
That creepy mobile
above the crib is making
scary shadows on the wall.
This is an ancient
Mayan goddess of sleep;
It's very chic.
Oh, my God, that is terrifying.
It's just that I've never woken
up in the middle of the night
and not had my mom there
to comfort me.
Oh.
Once upon a time,
I saw a woman named Uma Thurman
without any makeup on
under the harsh
fluorescent lights
of a walgreens at
2:00 in the morning,
clutching a six-pack
of vanilla ensure.
And...
Oh, wait,
that story is too scary.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so glad you're here,
Bryan; You're the best.
I almost don't miss my...
Come on, Bryan, wake up.
It's 7:30.
Oh, 7:30, thank God.
Three more hours of sleep.
No, you have exactly 20
minutes to make my breakfast,
pack my lunch, quiz me
on my spelling words,
and drive me to school.
School, yes, right, on it!
Here you go!
Oh.
An avocado, a club soda,
and a wheel of brie?
Well, I could give you
camembert,
but I doubt your palate
is sophisticated enough
to appreciate the difference.
Come on, let's go!
Bye, honey! Have a
good day at school!
Learn stuff
you can Google later.
Hi.
I'm Courtney, this is Tasha.
We are the school's
parent project coordinators.
Oh, um, I am Bryan.
I'm taking care of Shania while
her mom's away. Wonderful.
My son's Ethan, and
he's right over there
playing with
Courtney's son Ethan.
Oh, um, oh, look at them...
they're, they're like two little
perfect Vegas magicians.
How'd you get 'em
out the door like that?
I barely had time to get
pants on Shania. I relate.
Yesterday, after strength
training, I do the housework,
work on my blog...
which is kind of
a girl, interrupted at 40
kind of thing...
marinate an osso buco
for dinner,
meditate, and it hits me:
I haven't prepared
Ethan's vegan lunch
for school tomorrow yet.
How did you possibly get
all that done in time?
I did.
Of course she did.
Anyway, we're holding a
princess tea and social
tomorrow and we were wondering
if you, as Shania's caretaker,
had time to provide
decorations.
I do, oh, I definitely do.
Great... it
is so nice
to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Bye.
There go the botoxic avengers.
Are you a Christian dude
who preaches to kids
not to do drugs or something?
Oh, no, no, uh...
I'm a dad.
I'm a stay-at-home dad.
Good times, huh?
Having a four-foot tall boss
who screams
and sneezes in your face.
I love taking care of a child.
I-I love that that's
my daily life.
See, I see
what you're doing there.
Aw...
Here, let me try one.
Tonight my wife
won't visibly recoil
at my touch.
She's lost all respect for me.
And I don't blame her.
Oh.
Start.
Start.
Start, start, start, start.
Hola, Goldie.
How's Sedona?
Awesome.
I can't stop eating
the cucumber on my face.
I wish I had ranch dressing.
How's Shania?
I'm, I'm just checking in.
Oh, she is great.
She's happy,
she's just, you know,
wise beyond her years.
Um, silly question.
David wants to know how to use
the washing machine.
Oh, Bryan,
a man has entered
with a bacon sandwich,
and there's a lady
with big thumbs rubbing my feet.
I'm sorry, I don't think
I can concentrate
on what you're saying anymore.
Just put four quarters
in the machine
and push the biggest knob.
All right, thanks.
No, n-n-no.
Bryan Collins, stay-at-home dad.
Shania threw up?
Was it on purpose?
I need it to be darker.
I need it to be brighter.
I need soup.
I want chicken noodle.
I'm cold, I need more blankets.
Triangles?
I'm hot, I want a fan.
I want to watch
house hunters international.
Will you play with my hair?
What's a vagina for
other than peeing?
I want you to draw
a picture of me,
but as a pig
eating a ham sandwich.
Sing me an esoteric
Broadway medley.
Watch cataract surgery
with me on YouTube.
I'm gonna try peanuts
for the first time.
I want to play video games.
I want my mommy.
I need water. I need air.
I'm bored.
Hey, Bry,
how was your day?
What, is the pilot light out
or something?
I'm trying to figure out
how Sylvia plath did it.
I can't do it, David.
I said I could be a stay-at-home
dad, but I can't do it.
You have to do it.
Bryan!
Help me, please.
It's the middle of the night.
It's 7:00,
and it's just dark
'cause you have your
sleep mask on.
Don't worry.
Daddy David's on the job.
Shania. Shania?
Morning, sunshine.
Looks like you're
feeling better.
Time to get ready for school.
But, David...
I brought you some
hot chocolate,
your slippers are
beside the bed,
and I don't want to rush you,
but breakfast
is ready downstairs.
Hot chocolate?
Slippers? Breakfast?
It's like I'm at a spa
like my mom.
Uh-huh. Come on.
It's a beautiful day.
T minus 60 minutes
to go over your math homework
and your spelling words...
I cannot decide
which one I want to do first...
and I will have you at school
with plenty of time to spare.
David, you don't...
And... if we have
any time left,
we can go through
your yearbook and I will
tell you which one
of the boys you like
are slam-dunk gays.
I thought you said
school starts at 8:45.
It does. Just not on Saturday.
What? It's sat... it's Saturday.
Why didn't you tell me?
I tried, but you were so excited
about staying on schedule.
And you gave me hot chocolate.
I mean, I'm jacked up.
The only thing I have today
is a princess tea and social
at my friend Bianca's house,
but that's
not till 3:00.
What do we do until then?
Ooh! We could go
to Radioshack
and check out
the new cell phone skins.
I'm bored.
I know it's Saturday,
but this is an emergency.
I've been getting reports about
your behavior on set this week.
And do these reports include
words such as "excellent" and...
"Professional"
and "fine as hell"?
Rocky, I put my empire
in your hands,
and you've run around
terrorizing people
like Christian bale in heels.
Cut!
Hey, I'm the director.
I yell "cut."
Not anymore you don't!
This is not iCarly.
I want shirts off.
Girls' tops, too.
This is a sex scene!
And the key to good sex
is moisture, even teen sex!
Makeup!
Lather 'em up!
And when I say "action,"
I want to see tongues.
Where's the water?
The production will
no longer be providing
expensive bottled water.
You want some,
get it from the park
on your way to work
and store it in the hump
on your back.
But I'm thirsty now.
Why the hell you need water
when we have orange
and purple fantas right here?
Look!
Are you writers all brain-dead?!
Another Barbra Streisand medley?
This is a high school show.
It is not believable
that a 16-year-old girl
played by a 26-year-old actress
would be singing songs
by a 70-year-old lady.
We're gonna get
some real music on this show.
This is R. Kelly.
Trapped in the closet.
And we will be reenacting
all 40 chapters.
Um, this thing is
90 minutes long.
And?
We're an hour show.
Well, then you'd better
write small, nerds.
You used the n-word.
I know.
And I called them nerds.
I trusted you at a time
when I was completely
overwhelmed,
and now I have
to spend the entire week
putting out your fires.
I-I'm sorry.
I really thought I was doing
my best for you.
If you need me...
...I'll be at
crustacean restaurant,
drowning my sorrows
in black bean crab.
There's everything you need.
And thanks again
for agreeing to host
the party at the last minute.
I can't believe the
pta decided to schedule
an emergency meeting today.
We're spearheading
an anti-name-calling campaign,
and if we're not there,
those brain-dead morons
will just screw it up.
Okay, princess party.
Before we get started, I thought
we could all get
to know each other.
Cupcakes!
I know. Let's start
with cupcakes.
Okay, miladies,
hope the tea is to your liking.
Why are you talking to us
like that? We're not four.
My apologies, princess Rebecca.
Off with me head.
Whoa.
Tough castle.
Hey, where you going?
Rebecca and Erin are ignoring
me, so I'm going to take a bath.
Take a bath? No, no, no.
Wait, you can't take a bath.
Shania, will you go
talk to her, please?
I don't really
know her that well.
Your wife looks like a man.
Whoa, where you guys going?
It doesn't
belong in the ballroom.
Oh!
All right. Let me jump in!
Oh, my lord. Oh!
Ow.
You hit my face with the zipper.
I'm gonna have
to get plastic surgery.
I honestly don't know why
your daddy wants to live alone
in an apartment.
I thought you were gonna put
makeup on yourselves.
Quiet, peasant!
I really couldn't
conjecture who the woman is
that keeps calling
your house. Maybe...
It's a business associate
of your father's.
Charge!
Charge!
Charge!
Oh, my God.
Where did you get
all those scissors?!
Ha!
Girls?
They went upstairs to look
through your nightstand.
My nightst...
Look, we found
your see-through lotion.
Mmm, it tastes
like strawberries.
I want to taste it.
David...
You up here?
How was the party?
I was sure that I could
do it better than you,
but I couldn't.
They're dressed like princesses,
but they're monsters.
Monsters.
I know.
We'll figure it out.
Is that my tiara?
So, you like babies?
Oh, yes. Very much.
Do you know
how to purée a carrot?
N-no, but I'm happy to learn.
Sounds good.
You seem great.
No! You cannot
hire a nanny.
No offense.
I'm sure you're wonderful.
Bitch.
Goldie, what are
you doing back here?
You still have
four more days at the spa.
Shania called me.
She said she was worried
about you guys.
We're sorry, Goldie.
We thought we could
do it, but...
We can't. We need
professional help.
No. You don't.
Every parent in the history
of parenting goes through this.
They think they can't handle it,
that it's all gonna fall apart.
And the truth is, sometimes
it all falls apart.
That was... comforting advice.
I'm not gonna lie to you guys.
Raising a kid is hard.
But...
You figure it out.
I mean, I more or less
did it alone.
But you two have each other.
Yeah, but we both suck.
Mm.
You both have
different strengths.
David, you are practical
and organized.
Bryan, you're fun and creative.
I don't think
I like my strengths.
You don't have to be great
at everything,
as long as each of you
is great at something.
You know what?
Keep Shania for one more day.
You'll see.
I came as soon
as I got your text.
You didn't say what it was
about, but I randomly bought you
a latte and the ointment for
that of which we do not speak.
No, no, no, no.
It's not about any of that.
I've been watching
the episode of sing!
That you produced in my absence.
And it's fantastic.
It's one of the best. Ever.
Oh, my God. I can't believe
the episode made you cry.
It did, but that's
not why I'm emotional.
You shaved 22%
off the show's budget.
Because you cut
bottled water, the studio
is honoring me
as environmentally conscious
instead of cheap.
You are brilliant,
you are fierce,
and you are fine as hell.
And it is a privilege
to play any part
in making your dreams come true.
Are you serious?
Because if you're not,
I will snap you in half.
No, no, no. It's not a joke.
I do have one more low-level
task for you to perform though.
Okay.
Can you get me
that chair over there?
How much did that chair cost?
And what part of the budget
did you take it from?
Because this show
is not paying for
that damn thing.
Just so you know.
Never wonder why we call
of mom who works award.
"A working mom" and a dad
who works
is just called "a dad"?
Well, for eons, women were
the unsung heroes
of raising the kids.
They tended the cave while men
were hunting, gathering,
pillaging, and eventually
donning sharp suits
to work in ad agencies
and host game shows.
But families
look different now.
No matter what their gender,
all that matters
is being lucky enough
thank you.
To have a partner to count on,
an ally who'll always
have your back.
Thank you.
They are the strengths
to your weaknesses,
the Yin to your Yang,
the Kathie Lee to your Hoda.
Look at the face more.
Ready?
Uh-huh.
Perfect.
So, in a right
triangle, the sum of
the square of the
legs is equal to?
The square of the hypotenuse?
And in 2005 which movie won the
academy award for best picture?
Crash.
I know.
I don't get it either.
Here you go.
Thanks.
Have a good day!
Occasionally, you'll run
into a fellow
stay-at-home warrior
who's struggling with
the relentless chaos of doing
the hardest job in the world.
Aw, come here.
When you see
one of these pioneers,
appreciate that
they were trailblazers
for the rest of us.
And in the end,
if you're feeling overwhelmed,
sometimes you just
have to admit
that no one person
can do everything.
At least not well.
Sure, it'll take us a bit
to work out the kinks
of this whole
stay-at-home dad thing.
And are we gonna
make mistakes? Sure.
But at least we'll make them...
Together.