The New Normal (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 15 - Dairy Queen - full transcript
Milking it.
You guys, Sophie is
absolutely adorable.
Oh, this is how I know
I'm ready to be a father.
She is drooling all over
my 12-ply cashmere sweater,
and I don't even care.
Oh, no, no, no.
Did I do something wrong?
Is she upset that we have to
sit in the dirt
and eat out of boxes
with plastic utensils?
No, no, she's just hungry.
Oh, that's right,
those are my feelings. Oh.
There you go.
Look at that.
Mother and child connecting.
I wish there was some way
for our son to breast-feed.
Statistically,
kids who breast-feed
have fewer
ear and respiratory infections.
The antibodies fight
bacteria, viruses.
It's fun being with
a doctor, isn't it?
Yeah, it's like
living with a magazine
I never wanted to read.
Of course, for some mothers,
breast-feeding can become
an addiction unto itself.
My mom breast-fed me
until I was four.
I'm hungry.
Let's see.
I have fishy crackers.
I want booby.
What do you have there, Davey?
Chocolate syrup.
I'm gonna put it on them
to make chocolate milk.
Up you come.
Come on.
Oh, honey, no.
Painful/yucky childhood memories
are meant to be repressed.
Why don't you
ask your surrogate?
You know,
see if she'll pump for you.
What was that?
Lots of people have
problems with this, actually.
Last week, I was
breast-feeding Sophie
while we were having lunch
at LA fica,
and the manager
came up to me and said,
"would you mind
doing that somewhere private?"
You should get
your breast-feeding friends
and go back there.
You should protest
that restaurant.
But you should do something
that, you know,
would really get people talking,
like a... like a flash mob.
Yeah, yeah, I'll help you.
I'm great at that stuff.
And besides, I would do anything
for little Sophie.
It's beautiful.
Until she decides
to bite down on my nipple.
My mom used to hate that.
Of course, you take away my
hot wheels, you pay the price.
Yay, Bryan! These maternity
clothes are so cool!
But you shouldn't have
bought them for me.
He didn't. I took them from
the sing! Wardrobe department.
We did that whole fake pregnancy
storyline first season.
Remember?
Oh, we didn't
get cable in Ohio.
Oh, honey, it's a network show.
Please don't make me keep lying.
Goldie, uh, we, uh,
we actually wanted
to ask you something.
Sure.
Um, as men,
we can do many things.
But what we can't do
is produce breast milk.
So we were wondering if you
would consider pumping milk
for our baby?
Oh, my gosh, of course.
I mean, at least for
the first couple of months.
That's so great. Thank you.
Thank you, Goldie.
It's awesome my mom's
gonna do that for you guys.
I don't know any
reason why women today
wouldn't want to breast-feed.
Well, I'll give you two.
One, two.
Can you imagine
what these sweeties would
look like if I had a little one
sucking on them all day long
like they were root beer
big gulps?
Ah, big news, Bryan!
Scott Baio says yes!
He'll paint your house!
Did you hear that,
Harvey Milkbone?
Chachi's gonna paint our house!
And many women don't have
the time to breast-feed,
because they got to get
back to work.
That's why I won't be
making my own milk.
'Cause I'll be too busy making
those dead presidents.
Well, I didn't
breast-feed with Shania
because I had to work
and finish up high school.
It was a lot.
Wait a minute.
You didn't breast-feed me?
But you turned out great.
But the benefits.
I could've been so much more.
Thank you.
I accept this nobel peace prize
with honor.
Please, sit down.
I need to thank my mom.
If it weren't for her breast
milk, I don't know where I'd be.
Probably not curing cancer,
designing a car engine
that runs on spittle
or balancing my country's
budget, that's for sure.
I'm sorry, Shania.
But at least now we can make
sure Bryan and David's baby
gets all the milk he needs.
That's perfect.
That's just perfect.
Rocky, I need
to talk to you about Brice.
Are you busy?
No, just giving
the sing! Writers
notes on a script.
So, Jane,
how's it going with you and that
fine tub of creamy Greek yogurt?
Does he have
that honey at the bottom?
He hasn't asked me out,
and I've used
all my best moves on him.
Just got your text. What's the
emergency? "Help me! Help me!"
My computer won't let me
get on the Internet.
Could you take a look
at it for me, please?
Let me see what...
I dropped something.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
No, I'll get it.
Here's your problem.
Somebody completely unplugged
you from the Internet.
Oh.
There you go.
Should be as good as new.
Awesome bra, by the way.
Women don't do that
anymore, Jane.
We see something we want,
we go after it.
Walk up to him and say,
"you want to go out with me?
Yes or no?"
You better be right.
Night.
Brice?
I would like to go out.
On a date.
With you.
Yes or no?
Sure.
Now that's what
I'm talking about, girl!
Look, honey.
It's a unicorn
playing the piano.
That's insane.
It would sound terrible.
Their hooves couldn't properly
finger the keys.
What's gotten into you?
Not breast milk,
that's for sure.
Are you still upset about that?
Yes. I texted
everybody at school
to ask if they were breast-fed,
and the answer was
unanimously yes.
Except for brain dead Brandon,
the stupidest kid
in the whole school.
Brandon, how old
is the universe?
Sixteen.
Brandon, who invented
the telephone?
Orville Redenbacher.
Brandon, what happened to you?
Shh. I'm peeing.
Shania, I'm sorry I
didn't breast-feed you.
But there's nothing I
can do about it now.
Actually, there is.
I found a story
about a kid in Great Britain
who's eight and still nursing.
Look!
What?
Oh, no!
And he has braces?
That poor woman.
She clearly knows the benefits
of breast milk,
which is why I want in on yours.
You are nine years old.
I don't need
to suck it out of you.
I just want you
to squirt it on my cereal
and in my hot chocolate.
Nothing weird.
It's not gonna happen.
And that is a completely
inappropriate conversation.
The next time you bring
it up, you're grounded.
Fine. But as soon as I get
enough money for a plane ticket
and a passport, I'm running away
to Great Britain.
Ta-ta.
Ta...?
Mm-hmm!
My ex Darnell
would have loved this.
You know what?
I'm gonna buy it, take a picture
of myself in it,
and send it to him in a text
at 2:00 A.M. that reads,
"you up?"
No matter what kind of pump
you could possibly want,
they'll have it here
at suck it.
Hello.
Hello.
This is my lactation
consultant, Violet.
Welcome.
And this is Bryan,
the guy who came up
with the whole idea
for our flash mob protest.
You're like a hero
to the moms around here.
They're calling you
a "lactivist."
Well, that's very
clever for moms.
Can we get to the other
reason we're here?
We need to pick
out a breast pump.
Well, are you and your wife
looking to buy?
'Cause we have rentals, too.
Oh.
Perhaps you have mistaken me
for my good friend
and tennis partner, Wanda Sykes.
This woman and I
are not together.
Sorry.
She is carrying a child
for my partner David and I,
and she has agreed
to pump milk for our son.
That is beautiful
that you are willing
to give of your time
and life-force.
Isn't it?
Oh, Goldie, you can't imagine
the peace that
you're going to feel
knowing that your body
is providing sustenance
for another being.
It's not fair.
I want my son and I to
experience that closeness.
Oh. You're that guy.
I know exactly what
you're looking for, Bryan.
Follow me.
Violet.
It's called the milkman.
We've never sold one, because
it's incredibly weird.
Oh, my God,
it's absolutely perfect.
Please tell me
it comes in a tartan plaid.
David...
Check it out.
Look what I got
at the breast pump store.
It's called
the milkman.
Was "the humiliator"
already trademarked?
Don't judge it until you try it.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not putting that thing on.
David, this is
really important to me.
Okay.
So, here's our baby.
Hold him to your nipple
and let him suckle.
And don't worry, 'cause our real
baby won't have a loose eye.
Please don't make me do this.
Come on, make sure
he has a good latch.
Let's... come here, little guy.
Just really get in there.
Shove it in there.
Feel close?
All right.
You feel the
closeness, don't you?
Yeah.
Oh, look how sweet.
All right, baby's full.
I'm sorry, Bry, I just don't
have the same bizarre need
to feel like a lady,
or whatever this is.
I don't want to be
a woman, David.
Breast-feeding is about bonding.
Don't you want
to create a deeper,
more meaningful connection
to our son?
Yes, but I just don't need
plastic breasts to do that.
Bry, where are you going?
I have a protest to produce.
Where I can go hang
out with mature people
who understand the importance
of breast-feeding.
Bry.
Don't forget your Dolly.
Yeah! You like the music?
Since you're a traditional type,
I thought
I'd stick to the classics.
Missy Elliot.
You know that, uh,
she actually sleeps
in a hollowed-
out Ferrari?
For real.
Don't be afraid.
Got big, bad,
perfectly-exfoliated Brice
to protect you.
No, no, I'm fine.
I just thought
that all these neighborhoods
got burned down in the riots.
So, uh, where's
the, um, restaurant?
Is it somewhere between
these random shopping carts
and the unsupervised toddlers
with hoop earrings?
Actually, it's
not a restaurant.
It's a food truck.
Food truck, yeah.
Aziz Ansari, uh, talked
about it on his Twitter.
It's the best
food truck in L.A.
Although, there is this place
in echo park this woman has,
it's called topless tapas;
But the food, not so good.
Oh, I know these
guys. Hey, now!
Here.
Wait, you actually speak
that gobbledy-gook?
Wait, I have one.
"15 dolla, make you holla."
That's not funny.
Oh, come on, it's a joke.
It's not funny.
Listen, Jane, if you can't
get through the night
without, you know,
saying stuff like that,
I'm happy to take you home.
Sorry.
All right.
There you go.
Thank you.
Try one?
Ready?
Good, huh? See?
How do you say "thank you"?
Say it again.
I got something in my eye now.
I thought we were out of milk.
We are.
This isn't cow milk,
it's breast milk.
Shania!
Where did you get that?!
Online, with the amex gift card
Nana gave me
for my birthday.
She told me I could buy
whatever I want under $75.
There's a web site
for breast milk?
"The safe, clean,
legal-in-most-states place
"for overproducing mothers
"who want to supplement
their income
"and... fetishists.
Endorsed by Marie Osmond."
But you don't even know
whose breasts that came from.
Don't worry. I ran a
thorough background check.
She's a college Professor
named Katherine
who doesn't smoke, drink
or read Stephenie meyer.
Give me that.
Shania Clemmons!
You are not drinking
a stranger's breast milk
you bought on the Internet.
But this could be my only way
into an Ivy league college.
Do you know
how stupid that sounds?
No, I don't.
Because I wasn't breast-fed,
so my feeble brain
is underdeveloped.
Do not drink that breast milk.
I am not kidding, Shania.
Don't make me count to three.
One.
Two.
Young lady, if you put one drop
of that nice woman's milk
into your mouth,
you will be sorry.
Big-time sorry.
I'm telling you, rocky,
the date went great.
No, he totally took control.
I let myself get bossed around,
and I loved it.
Oh, well, then.
I guess you should ask him out
for another date.
He just might
turn you out, girl.
Turn me out what?
Oh, you'll know when it happens.
I got to go.
Here he comes.
Hey, now.
Oh, hey.
Um... uh, uh,
what are you doing tonight?
Maybe I can take you for a meal
at a real restaurant,
where we don't
have to eat our dinner
standing over a garbage can.
Well, I'd love to,
but I have plans tonight.
Well, what about a rain check?
Yeah, purple rain check.
"Purple rain"...
that's a prince song.
It's my favorite...
You know what?
We'll have a listening party.
Warning.
Things could get sexy.
Niles & Windsor realtors.
Yes, this is
Jane Forrest speaking.
Yes, that house on lindo
still is available.
It has five bedrooms,
three and a half baths,
and-and...
And a pool that I wish
you would drown in.
Are you kidding me?
Why, thank you.
You're very welcome.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
If you're going to do that,
I'm going to have to ask you
to step into the ladies' lounge.
No, thank you.
I'd prefer not to.
It's just that what you're doing
may make some of our patrons,
uh, uncomfortable,
so if you wouldn't mind...
Actually, I would mind.
My breasts won't be silenced.
And my breasts are not alone.
♪ my milk shake brings
all the boys to the yard ♪
♪ and they're like,
it's better than yours ♪
♪ damn right it's
better than yours ♪
♪ I can teach you,
but I have to charge ♪
♪ my milk shake brings
all the boys to the yard ♪
♪ and they're like,
it's better than yours ♪
Can I get security? ♪ Damn
right it's better than yours ♪
♪ I can teach you,
but I have to charge ♪
♪ I know you want it
♪ the thing that makes me
♪ what the boys go crazy for
♪ I think it's time
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA
♪ warm it up
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA
♪ the boys are waiting
♪ my milk shake brings
all the boys to the yard ♪
♪ and they're like,
it's better than yours ♪
♪ damn right it's
better than yours ♪
♪ I can teach you,
but I have to charge ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA...
Bryan! Bryan!
♪ Warm it up...
What are you doing?
I'm helping.
Stop. Stop.
I'm one of you,
united in a common cause.
I know that you
think that you're helping,
but a man dancing around
with fake breasts
just makes this whole thing
look like a joke.
I'm just going to take
the check.
What happened?
The women at that protest.
They're eager to stand up
for each other,
but the second a guy
pulls out his boobs,
they completely turn.
And yes, when I say it out loud,
I realize how ridiculous
it sounds.
You know, my mother
never breast-fed me.
Well, so what?
A lot of people's moms
didn't breast-feed them,
especially back in
the olden times.
Just growing up, my mother
was always very...
Cold and distant.
I felt more like
an unwanted pet than a kid.
Following her around
on my best behavior,
hoping for attention
that rarely came.
And I just keep thinking
that maybe if she had nursed me,
things would be different.
That maybe we would be closer.
Bry...
The way your mom treated you
has nothing to do with nursing.
You think you're just
looking for an excuse?
Something to blame it on?
Well, if it wasn't
about nursing,
it's about me.
Was there something
fundamentally unlovable
about me?
Bryan, aside from the way
you wear your hair,
you are nothing like your mom.
And you do not need
to breast-feed
to feel close to our son.
You'll sing him
funny, annoying songs
when you rock him to sleep.
You'll soothe him
when he's teething.
Someday you'll even help
him study for a math test.
No one said there'd be math.
Please don't worry
about not connecting
to our kid.
You seize every opportunity
to engage in people's lives.
Take a look at this flash mob.
Breast-feeding or not,
you are always going to be
an overly intrusive,
meddlesome busybody.
That's so sweet.
Oh!
What? What?
Your breasts are
leaking all over me.
Shania?
It's me...
Mom.
I know it's you,
and I don't want to talk.
Look,
we both did some things
that we're not so proud of.
Drop the milk, Shania!
Oh, I'll drop it all right...
down my throat.
Look! Piers Morgan
is going to the hospital.
What?!
I'm sorry I drenched us both,
and for needlessly worrying you
about piers Morgan.
He has a history of high
blood pressure, mom.
I know that now.
And...
I also know this isn't
about me not
breast-feeding you, is it?
No.
I'm just worried
that when the baby gets here,
you're going to be
so busy with him,
you won't have any time for me.
Oh, sweetie,
no matter how busy I am,
I'll always have time for you.
You're my baby.
My only baby.
So, how much time
can you give me?
Well, I don't know.
How much time do you want?
30 minutes cuddle time
every night.
30 minutes is a long time.
How about we make it... 45?
One hour,
and that's my final offer.
Deal.
Is it okay if we start now?
Yes.
Morning, Janey.
Good morning.
You're a pig.
What?
Low-fat Turkey bacon,
egg whites... 180 calories.
But I'm glad that
you're judging me.
You are like
every other pathetic,
middle-aged man
I have met
in this town who's convinced
the fountain of youth
is hidden in some
20-year-old's panties.
I guess that a mature,
intelligent woman would be
too challenging for you,
so you cavort with a child.
Child? Wh...?
What, you mean Amber?
Yes, of course... Amber.
Everyone wants an Amber.
Yeah, I wanted an Amber.
That's why I gave
her that name.
See, Amber's not just a child;
She's my child.
You have a daughter?
Mm-hmm.
I understand your confusion.
I mean, a 25-year-old
man like myself
having a 20-year-old kid?
Look, Jane, I...
I like dating you.
And I want to go
out with you again.
But even if I was dating
some 20-year-old, so what?
I mean, we're... you know,
we went on one date.
We should be able to date
other people, right?
Rocky, he said we're dating!
Really?
Oh, my God, girl.
Be careful.
Terrence Howard told me
the same thing
right before he tried
to baby-wipe me.
Hey, thanks for
having us over for dinner.
Mmm. Are you kidding me?
Bryan insisted.
He felt so bad about
ruining Megan's flash mob.
God, who cares?
You know, I never
thought I'd say this,
but I'm sick of women's boobs.
Sick of hearing about them,
sick of talking about them.
I have been telling you that
for years.
And after Megan saw
that milkman thing
on Bryan, she was all,
"why don't you
want to feed our baby?
"Why don't you want
to bond with our child?
"Why can't you be magical
"and into being a dad
like Bryan?
He's the perfect father."
Yeah, I guess he is.
All right.
Take these out.
Time to feed the baby.
Come on.
That's not mommy's boob.
It's daddy's boob.
There you go.
Did... did Bryan
give you that?
No. Megan made me buy it.
I got to admit, I love it.
We were, uh, going to tell
you that dinner was ready,
but it looks like somebody
already got started.
Yeah.
Now that I see it
with an actual baby,
it does look stupid.
absolutely adorable.
Oh, this is how I know
I'm ready to be a father.
She is drooling all over
my 12-ply cashmere sweater,
and I don't even care.
Oh, no, no, no.
Did I do something wrong?
Is she upset that we have to
sit in the dirt
and eat out of boxes
with plastic utensils?
No, no, she's just hungry.
Oh, that's right,
those are my feelings. Oh.
There you go.
Look at that.
Mother and child connecting.
I wish there was some way
for our son to breast-feed.
Statistically,
kids who breast-feed
have fewer
ear and respiratory infections.
The antibodies fight
bacteria, viruses.
It's fun being with
a doctor, isn't it?
Yeah, it's like
living with a magazine
I never wanted to read.
Of course, for some mothers,
breast-feeding can become
an addiction unto itself.
My mom breast-fed me
until I was four.
I'm hungry.
Let's see.
I have fishy crackers.
I want booby.
What do you have there, Davey?
Chocolate syrup.
I'm gonna put it on them
to make chocolate milk.
Up you come.
Come on.
Oh, honey, no.
Painful/yucky childhood memories
are meant to be repressed.
Why don't you
ask your surrogate?
You know,
see if she'll pump for you.
What was that?
Lots of people have
problems with this, actually.
Last week, I was
breast-feeding Sophie
while we were having lunch
at LA fica,
and the manager
came up to me and said,
"would you mind
doing that somewhere private?"
You should get
your breast-feeding friends
and go back there.
You should protest
that restaurant.
But you should do something
that, you know,
would really get people talking,
like a... like a flash mob.
Yeah, yeah, I'll help you.
I'm great at that stuff.
And besides, I would do anything
for little Sophie.
It's beautiful.
Until she decides
to bite down on my nipple.
My mom used to hate that.
Of course, you take away my
hot wheels, you pay the price.
Yay, Bryan! These maternity
clothes are so cool!
But you shouldn't have
bought them for me.
He didn't. I took them from
the sing! Wardrobe department.
We did that whole fake pregnancy
storyline first season.
Remember?
Oh, we didn't
get cable in Ohio.
Oh, honey, it's a network show.
Please don't make me keep lying.
Goldie, uh, we, uh,
we actually wanted
to ask you something.
Sure.
Um, as men,
we can do many things.
But what we can't do
is produce breast milk.
So we were wondering if you
would consider pumping milk
for our baby?
Oh, my gosh, of course.
I mean, at least for
the first couple of months.
That's so great. Thank you.
Thank you, Goldie.
It's awesome my mom's
gonna do that for you guys.
I don't know any
reason why women today
wouldn't want to breast-feed.
Well, I'll give you two.
One, two.
Can you imagine
what these sweeties would
look like if I had a little one
sucking on them all day long
like they were root beer
big gulps?
Ah, big news, Bryan!
Scott Baio says yes!
He'll paint your house!
Did you hear that,
Harvey Milkbone?
Chachi's gonna paint our house!
And many women don't have
the time to breast-feed,
because they got to get
back to work.
That's why I won't be
making my own milk.
'Cause I'll be too busy making
those dead presidents.
Well, I didn't
breast-feed with Shania
because I had to work
and finish up high school.
It was a lot.
Wait a minute.
You didn't breast-feed me?
But you turned out great.
But the benefits.
I could've been so much more.
Thank you.
I accept this nobel peace prize
with honor.
Please, sit down.
I need to thank my mom.
If it weren't for her breast
milk, I don't know where I'd be.
Probably not curing cancer,
designing a car engine
that runs on spittle
or balancing my country's
budget, that's for sure.
I'm sorry, Shania.
But at least now we can make
sure Bryan and David's baby
gets all the milk he needs.
That's perfect.
That's just perfect.
Rocky, I need
to talk to you about Brice.
Are you busy?
No, just giving
the sing! Writers
notes on a script.
So, Jane,
how's it going with you and that
fine tub of creamy Greek yogurt?
Does he have
that honey at the bottom?
He hasn't asked me out,
and I've used
all my best moves on him.
Just got your text. What's the
emergency? "Help me! Help me!"
My computer won't let me
get on the Internet.
Could you take a look
at it for me, please?
Let me see what...
I dropped something.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
No, I'll get it.
Here's your problem.
Somebody completely unplugged
you from the Internet.
Oh.
There you go.
Should be as good as new.
Awesome bra, by the way.
Women don't do that
anymore, Jane.
We see something we want,
we go after it.
Walk up to him and say,
"you want to go out with me?
Yes or no?"
You better be right.
Night.
Brice?
I would like to go out.
On a date.
With you.
Yes or no?
Sure.
Now that's what
I'm talking about, girl!
Look, honey.
It's a unicorn
playing the piano.
That's insane.
It would sound terrible.
Their hooves couldn't properly
finger the keys.
What's gotten into you?
Not breast milk,
that's for sure.
Are you still upset about that?
Yes. I texted
everybody at school
to ask if they were breast-fed,
and the answer was
unanimously yes.
Except for brain dead Brandon,
the stupidest kid
in the whole school.
Brandon, how old
is the universe?
Sixteen.
Brandon, who invented
the telephone?
Orville Redenbacher.
Brandon, what happened to you?
Shh. I'm peeing.
Shania, I'm sorry I
didn't breast-feed you.
But there's nothing I
can do about it now.
Actually, there is.
I found a story
about a kid in Great Britain
who's eight and still nursing.
Look!
What?
Oh, no!
And he has braces?
That poor woman.
She clearly knows the benefits
of breast milk,
which is why I want in on yours.
You are nine years old.
I don't need
to suck it out of you.
I just want you
to squirt it on my cereal
and in my hot chocolate.
Nothing weird.
It's not gonna happen.
And that is a completely
inappropriate conversation.
The next time you bring
it up, you're grounded.
Fine. But as soon as I get
enough money for a plane ticket
and a passport, I'm running away
to Great Britain.
Ta-ta.
Ta...?
Mm-hmm!
My ex Darnell
would have loved this.
You know what?
I'm gonna buy it, take a picture
of myself in it,
and send it to him in a text
at 2:00 A.M. that reads,
"you up?"
No matter what kind of pump
you could possibly want,
they'll have it here
at suck it.
Hello.
Hello.
This is my lactation
consultant, Violet.
Welcome.
And this is Bryan,
the guy who came up
with the whole idea
for our flash mob protest.
You're like a hero
to the moms around here.
They're calling you
a "lactivist."
Well, that's very
clever for moms.
Can we get to the other
reason we're here?
We need to pick
out a breast pump.
Well, are you and your wife
looking to buy?
'Cause we have rentals, too.
Oh.
Perhaps you have mistaken me
for my good friend
and tennis partner, Wanda Sykes.
This woman and I
are not together.
Sorry.
She is carrying a child
for my partner David and I,
and she has agreed
to pump milk for our son.
That is beautiful
that you are willing
to give of your time
and life-force.
Isn't it?
Oh, Goldie, you can't imagine
the peace that
you're going to feel
knowing that your body
is providing sustenance
for another being.
It's not fair.
I want my son and I to
experience that closeness.
Oh. You're that guy.
I know exactly what
you're looking for, Bryan.
Follow me.
Violet.
It's called the milkman.
We've never sold one, because
it's incredibly weird.
Oh, my God,
it's absolutely perfect.
Please tell me
it comes in a tartan plaid.
David...
Check it out.
Look what I got
at the breast pump store.
It's called
the milkman.
Was "the humiliator"
already trademarked?
Don't judge it until you try it.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not putting that thing on.
David, this is
really important to me.
Okay.
So, here's our baby.
Hold him to your nipple
and let him suckle.
And don't worry, 'cause our real
baby won't have a loose eye.
Please don't make me do this.
Come on, make sure
he has a good latch.
Let's... come here, little guy.
Just really get in there.
Shove it in there.
Feel close?
All right.
You feel the
closeness, don't you?
Yeah.
Oh, look how sweet.
All right, baby's full.
I'm sorry, Bry, I just don't
have the same bizarre need
to feel like a lady,
or whatever this is.
I don't want to be
a woman, David.
Breast-feeding is about bonding.
Don't you want
to create a deeper,
more meaningful connection
to our son?
Yes, but I just don't need
plastic breasts to do that.
Bry, where are you going?
I have a protest to produce.
Where I can go hang
out with mature people
who understand the importance
of breast-feeding.
Bry.
Don't forget your Dolly.
Yeah! You like the music?
Since you're a traditional type,
I thought
I'd stick to the classics.
Missy Elliot.
You know that, uh,
she actually sleeps
in a hollowed-
out Ferrari?
For real.
Don't be afraid.
Got big, bad,
perfectly-exfoliated Brice
to protect you.
No, no, I'm fine.
I just thought
that all these neighborhoods
got burned down in the riots.
So, uh, where's
the, um, restaurant?
Is it somewhere between
these random shopping carts
and the unsupervised toddlers
with hoop earrings?
Actually, it's
not a restaurant.
It's a food truck.
Food truck, yeah.
Aziz Ansari, uh, talked
about it on his Twitter.
It's the best
food truck in L.A.
Although, there is this place
in echo park this woman has,
it's called topless tapas;
But the food, not so good.
Oh, I know these
guys. Hey, now!
Here.
Wait, you actually speak
that gobbledy-gook?
Wait, I have one.
"15 dolla, make you holla."
That's not funny.
Oh, come on, it's a joke.
It's not funny.
Listen, Jane, if you can't
get through the night
without, you know,
saying stuff like that,
I'm happy to take you home.
Sorry.
All right.
There you go.
Thank you.
Try one?
Ready?
Good, huh? See?
How do you say "thank you"?
Say it again.
I got something in my eye now.
I thought we were out of milk.
We are.
This isn't cow milk,
it's breast milk.
Shania!
Where did you get that?!
Online, with the amex gift card
Nana gave me
for my birthday.
She told me I could buy
whatever I want under $75.
There's a web site
for breast milk?
"The safe, clean,
legal-in-most-states place
"for overproducing mothers
"who want to supplement
their income
"and... fetishists.
Endorsed by Marie Osmond."
But you don't even know
whose breasts that came from.
Don't worry. I ran a
thorough background check.
She's a college Professor
named Katherine
who doesn't smoke, drink
or read Stephenie meyer.
Give me that.
Shania Clemmons!
You are not drinking
a stranger's breast milk
you bought on the Internet.
But this could be my only way
into an Ivy league college.
Do you know
how stupid that sounds?
No, I don't.
Because I wasn't breast-fed,
so my feeble brain
is underdeveloped.
Do not drink that breast milk.
I am not kidding, Shania.
Don't make me count to three.
One.
Two.
Young lady, if you put one drop
of that nice woman's milk
into your mouth,
you will be sorry.
Big-time sorry.
I'm telling you, rocky,
the date went great.
No, he totally took control.
I let myself get bossed around,
and I loved it.
Oh, well, then.
I guess you should ask him out
for another date.
He just might
turn you out, girl.
Turn me out what?
Oh, you'll know when it happens.
I got to go.
Here he comes.
Hey, now.
Oh, hey.
Um... uh, uh,
what are you doing tonight?
Maybe I can take you for a meal
at a real restaurant,
where we don't
have to eat our dinner
standing over a garbage can.
Well, I'd love to,
but I have plans tonight.
Well, what about a rain check?
Yeah, purple rain check.
"Purple rain"...
that's a prince song.
It's my favorite...
You know what?
We'll have a listening party.
Warning.
Things could get sexy.
Niles & Windsor realtors.
Yes, this is
Jane Forrest speaking.
Yes, that house on lindo
still is available.
It has five bedrooms,
three and a half baths,
and-and...
And a pool that I wish
you would drown in.
Are you kidding me?
Why, thank you.
You're very welcome.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
If you're going to do that,
I'm going to have to ask you
to step into the ladies' lounge.
No, thank you.
I'd prefer not to.
It's just that what you're doing
may make some of our patrons,
uh, uncomfortable,
so if you wouldn't mind...
Actually, I would mind.
My breasts won't be silenced.
And my breasts are not alone.
♪ my milk shake brings
all the boys to the yard ♪
♪ and they're like,
it's better than yours ♪
♪ damn right it's
better than yours ♪
♪ I can teach you,
but I have to charge ♪
♪ my milk shake brings
all the boys to the yard ♪
♪ and they're like,
it's better than yours ♪
Can I get security? ♪ Damn
right it's better than yours ♪
♪ I can teach you,
but I have to charge ♪
♪ I know you want it
♪ the thing that makes me
♪ what the boys go crazy for
♪ I think it's time
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA
♪ warm it up
♪ LA-LA, LA-LA, LA
♪ the boys are waiting
♪ my milk shake brings
all the boys to the yard ♪
♪ and they're like,
it's better than yours ♪
♪ damn right it's
better than yours ♪
♪ I can teach you,
but I have to charge ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA...
Bryan! Bryan!
♪ Warm it up...
What are you doing?
I'm helping.
Stop. Stop.
I'm one of you,
united in a common cause.
I know that you
think that you're helping,
but a man dancing around
with fake breasts
just makes this whole thing
look like a joke.
I'm just going to take
the check.
What happened?
The women at that protest.
They're eager to stand up
for each other,
but the second a guy
pulls out his boobs,
they completely turn.
And yes, when I say it out loud,
I realize how ridiculous
it sounds.
You know, my mother
never breast-fed me.
Well, so what?
A lot of people's moms
didn't breast-feed them,
especially back in
the olden times.
Just growing up, my mother
was always very...
Cold and distant.
I felt more like
an unwanted pet than a kid.
Following her around
on my best behavior,
hoping for attention
that rarely came.
And I just keep thinking
that maybe if she had nursed me,
things would be different.
That maybe we would be closer.
Bry...
The way your mom treated you
has nothing to do with nursing.
You think you're just
looking for an excuse?
Something to blame it on?
Well, if it wasn't
about nursing,
it's about me.
Was there something
fundamentally unlovable
about me?
Bryan, aside from the way
you wear your hair,
you are nothing like your mom.
And you do not need
to breast-feed
to feel close to our son.
You'll sing him
funny, annoying songs
when you rock him to sleep.
You'll soothe him
when he's teething.
Someday you'll even help
him study for a math test.
No one said there'd be math.
Please don't worry
about not connecting
to our kid.
You seize every opportunity
to engage in people's lives.
Take a look at this flash mob.
Breast-feeding or not,
you are always going to be
an overly intrusive,
meddlesome busybody.
That's so sweet.
Oh!
What? What?
Your breasts are
leaking all over me.
Shania?
It's me...
Mom.
I know it's you,
and I don't want to talk.
Look,
we both did some things
that we're not so proud of.
Drop the milk, Shania!
Oh, I'll drop it all right...
down my throat.
Look! Piers Morgan
is going to the hospital.
What?!
I'm sorry I drenched us both,
and for needlessly worrying you
about piers Morgan.
He has a history of high
blood pressure, mom.
I know that now.
And...
I also know this isn't
about me not
breast-feeding you, is it?
No.
I'm just worried
that when the baby gets here,
you're going to be
so busy with him,
you won't have any time for me.
Oh, sweetie,
no matter how busy I am,
I'll always have time for you.
You're my baby.
My only baby.
So, how much time
can you give me?
Well, I don't know.
How much time do you want?
30 minutes cuddle time
every night.
30 minutes is a long time.
How about we make it... 45?
One hour,
and that's my final offer.
Deal.
Is it okay if we start now?
Yes.
Morning, Janey.
Good morning.
You're a pig.
What?
Low-fat Turkey bacon,
egg whites... 180 calories.
But I'm glad that
you're judging me.
You are like
every other pathetic,
middle-aged man
I have met
in this town who's convinced
the fountain of youth
is hidden in some
20-year-old's panties.
I guess that a mature,
intelligent woman would be
too challenging for you,
so you cavort with a child.
Child? Wh...?
What, you mean Amber?
Yes, of course... Amber.
Everyone wants an Amber.
Yeah, I wanted an Amber.
That's why I gave
her that name.
See, Amber's not just a child;
She's my child.
You have a daughter?
Mm-hmm.
I understand your confusion.
I mean, a 25-year-old
man like myself
having a 20-year-old kid?
Look, Jane, I...
I like dating you.
And I want to go
out with you again.
But even if I was dating
some 20-year-old, so what?
I mean, we're... you know,
we went on one date.
We should be able to date
other people, right?
Rocky, he said we're dating!
Really?
Oh, my God, girl.
Be careful.
Terrence Howard told me
the same thing
right before he tried
to baby-wipe me.
Hey, thanks for
having us over for dinner.
Mmm. Are you kidding me?
Bryan insisted.
He felt so bad about
ruining Megan's flash mob.
God, who cares?
You know, I never
thought I'd say this,
but I'm sick of women's boobs.
Sick of hearing about them,
sick of talking about them.
I have been telling you that
for years.
And after Megan saw
that milkman thing
on Bryan, she was all,
"why don't you
want to feed our baby?
"Why don't you want
to bond with our child?
"Why can't you be magical
"and into being a dad
like Bryan?
He's the perfect father."
Yeah, I guess he is.
All right.
Take these out.
Time to feed the baby.
Come on.
That's not mommy's boob.
It's daddy's boob.
There you go.
Did... did Bryan
give you that?
No. Megan made me buy it.
I got to admit, I love it.
We were, uh, going to tell
you that dinner was ready,
but it looks like somebody
already got started.
Yeah.
Now that I see it
with an actual baby,
it does look stupid.