The New Normal (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 21 - Finding Name-O - full transcript
The gay couple to be is getting nowhere with the wedding preparations as their tastes differ on just about everything, including baby boy names. David convinces Bryan to invites his estranged, terribly bossy mother, who constantly sides with David. The boys decide to flip a coin, but it also keeps piking David's preferences.
This is the hardest decision
we've ever
had to make as a couple.
I know.
And even though I think
we're doing the right thing,
I feel like there's a voice
in our head screaming,
"You're making a mistake!"
I know.
But I've decided.
We're going with
the blood orange citrus.
Thank God.
You know, I really had my
heart set on the red velvet.
Honey, no.
Red velvet is such a trend cake.
It'll feel like
a hipster wedding
officiated by Mumford & Sons.
Listen, guys...
we still have over 900
wedding decisions to make,
and so far, all you
agreed on is...
well, nothing.
I know.
It's so hard making decisions
with someone who's not me.
Yeah, I mean,
we had nine months
to come up with a baby name,
and we're not even close.
Look, guys, my wife and I,
we've been through this.
We have named 16 kids together.
Luis, Luis Jr.,
Little Luis, Wide Luis.
But what I learned is that
if you can learn to compromise
in the little
things... like cake...
then you can move on
to the bigger issues
like baby names.
Why don't you start
with something simple?
Like candles.
Mm, these brown sugar
scented candles
smell so delicious.
Thank you for letting me
have them at the wedding.
Well, you did let me choose
my blood orange cake,
even though I did change it
to burnt almond meringue
after Guy Fieri ruined
citrus for us all. Yeah.
So...
there is something
that I would like
at our wedding
that I've been a little
scared to ask for.
No, you cannot do
your Gollum impression
when you put the ring
on my finger.
No.
I was wondering how you felt
about inviting your mother.
I feel...
No! No! No!
Oh, my God.
...conflicted?
Look, I know it's been a
little chilly between you two,
but you were working on it,
you opened a dialogue,
it's starting to thaw.
Don't you think
she should be here?
David, I want our wedding day
to be about positivity,
and love, and rented
trumpeter swans,
and not any kind of tensions
between my mother and I.
Okay, but she's your mom.
Why would I want to share
our wedding day...
our perfect day
to celebrate our love...
with her?
Because your love wants you to.
Fine.
Yeah?
No pretzel bread.
Agreed. Now...
Give me a kiss, my precious.
You were so close
to getting some.
What's it gonna be,
what's it gonna be?
I know!
Oh...
Oh...
It's our baby's
ultrasound picture.
He looks like a
potato with a face.
Thank God he didn't
get your nose.
Thank you so much, Goldie.
You can put it
on the bedside table
next to that picture
of your mom,
who I'm very excited
to meet, by the way.
Oh, no, honey, that's a picture
of Meg Ryan, before...
whatever the hell
happened there.
No, but you can meet Colleen.
Why don't you come to dinner?
Oh, we'd love to.
Yeah. Rocky,
do you want to come, too?
Thank you, but I've met
your mom, so I'll pass.
But I'll take home an expensive
bottle of red to make up
for what I would have drank.
Well, Shania and I
would love to attend.
Besides, it's important that
your mom meets Mr. Thingmeum.
Have you decided on a name yet?
Oh, uh...
Bryan and I are trying to avoid
the issue while Colleen is here.
It's important
that she sees
that David and I are on
the same page about things.
Like she and my dad were.
And the baby name
is a bit of a...
as they say on The View,
a "hot flash topic."
That's not what they say.
Well, they should.
Your child's name should be
a source of conflict.
My parents named me.
Rocky Rhoades.
A little black girl
named after lumpy ice cream?
I had to fight for my life
on the playground.
Shank or be shanked.
I'm talking prison rules, baby.
It was rough.
Mom?
Did you and Dad argue
about what my name would be?
Um... actually, no,
we pretty much agreed.
♪ That
don't impress me much... ♪
Oh, my God, I don't know
what it is about
Shania playing in the
toilet stall, but,
oh, baby, I'm so horny.
Oh. Wait! Go to the
family planning aisle
and steal some condoms.
What?
No, there's no time.
The song's almost over.
Mm!
That's how I got my name?
What? It was a loving moment
between me and your dad.
A few minutes
later, and your name
would have been Chumbawamba.
That is a great band.
How could you joke about this?
A name determines your destiny.
And now I'm stuck for life
with the choice you made
to a soundtrack of
Canadian pop country
and auto-flushes?
Well, that don't
impress me much.
Oh, you... Shania.
Help me up.
Yeah. Yeah. You keep that up,
and no Nancy Grace for a week!
My God. If we named
our child after
the song that was playing
when we first hooked up,
his name would be Hoobastank.
Hoobastank.
I like that name.
Hoobastank Collins.
Hmm, white people have
the craziest names for bands.
Hey, guys.
Whoa, no dessert
before dinner, Shania.
I'm not Shania.
I'm changing my name to Sarah.
What are you
talking about, monkey?
For the past ten years,
I've been saddled with
your oddball name of Shania,
the name that you
arbitrarily chose
because of the random song
that was playing
while you were having
premarital relations
in a pharmacy.
Oh, yeah!
That was you.
There are five girls
in my class named Sarah.
I just want to be one of them.
Your mom and I agreed
on that name. Together.
And you are not changing it.
Case closed.
I don't think
it's a big deal, Clay.
Let her call herself
Sarah if she wants.
Case reopened.
Sarah's awesome mom
gets a bigger vote
than Shania's inflexible dad.
Whoa, Shania...
How could you do that to me?
In front of our daughter.
You know, now she thinks
we're not a united front.
This whole Sarah thing
will blow over.
Last weekend,
she was the Hamburglar.
I mean...
Sorry. I-I just don't think
that names matter that much.
Although...
I've been thinking
about my name, too.
I've been through so many
changes this year.
So I'm gonna drop Clemmons
and go back to
my maiden name, Forrest.
No. Y-You can't do that.
It's not a big deal, Clay.
No.
It's the biggest deal.
We may not live together,
Goldie, but the fact that
we share the same last name,
it says we're a family.
Bryan, that getup
you're wearing.
Y-You look like...
Like a gay yacht captain?
When you say it,
it's a lot less fun.
Now, Colleen,
when was the last time
we saw each other?
Dad's funeral. Dad's funeral.
Oh.
Oh, that was a tough day
for everyone.
Especially your father, right?
I absolutely love your home.
Oh.
Oh.
It's like the palace
of a tasteful dictator.
Thank you, Mother, it is.
It will be the perfect place
to raise our child.
Speaking of, I was hoping
maybe that you would whisper
the name of my grandson to me.
Oh, well, actually,
we're still sort of
kicking the tires on
a few options, there.
You haven't decided yet?
He could arrive at any time.
Okay, just give me
a few names you agree on.
Okay. Uh, well,
I would like to name him
after my grandpa.
He was the best.
Oh...
Yeah, he was a bit of
a moist kisser,
but he made
one hell of an omelet.
His name was Julius,
but everyone called him Julie.
Julie...
the male offspring
of two homosexuals.
I can't imagine
any angry therapy sessions
in his future.
Don't make fun, Bryan.
Obviously David was very fond
of his grandfather, and I think
Julius is a very nice name.
Well, thank you, Colleen.
What do you think of...
Thomas?
Mm.
Hmm? Right?
It's the name of a president,
an apostle.
An English muffin
with nooks and crannies.
And if Bryan gets his way,
then your baby's name
will be Tom Sawyer.
Wait, why would you assume
we're using David's last name?
Well, David's the donor.
Is that not "the way"?
And, Bryan, if
we use your last name,
his name would be Tom Collins.
Oh, no. He'll be teased by
all the 55-year-old mortgage
brokers at the airport bar.
Boys, I don't want
to start any chaos.
Mother, what-what chaos?
This is not chaos.
David and I agree
on everything else.
Oh, it's true.
We've planned our entire wedding
with not so much
as a speed bump.
You know, actually, we are going
over the final details
with the wedding
planner tomorrow.
Why don't you come with us,
and you can see all the
decisions we agreed on.
I would love to.
Because I really want
to see that,
you two boys on
the same page together.
I mean, are you even sure
you're both gay?
Well, if we're not,
we did something
really weird last night.
Okay.
Here's your flower choice.
Perfect.
Love 'em.
Centerpieces. Fantastic.
Stunning.
And napkin rings.
Our napkins will look
so gorgeous in those things.
So round.
It's so nice to see you boys
finally in agreement.
And here is your choice of cake.
A burnt almond meringue.
"Burnt almond"?
It sounds...
well, let's face it,
it sounds burnt.
Which is historically a sign
of failure in cake.
I actually wanted a red velvet,
but Bryan insisted.
I just feel very
strongly about this.
Red velvet is passé.
Is it passé, or is it perennial?
Plantation owners
used to eat it
in the antebellum South.
So I'm supposed to serve
a racist cake at my wedding?
Bryan does know about
this stuff.
All I'm saying is,
I respect and appreciate
your partner's choice.
So do I.
Well, red velvet it is, then.
David, what else did
Bryan say no to?
Oh... um...
Come on, show me.
This was my nightmare.
I literally had a bad dream
that my mother did nothing
but undermine me
and pit us against each other.
Except in my dream,
you were as tall as me.
I think
you're overreacting, Bry.
Of course you do.
You know why?
Because she's siding with you
and not me.
About cake?
Who cares? It's not important.
Well, it's not
when you haven't had
to deal with it
your entire life.
Do you really think
my mother wanted
to watch Baywatch Nights
like my little brothers?
No. She just did it because
she knew I didn't want to.
This is exactly why I
didn't want to invite her.
Because at a time
where it is crucial
for us to be
on the same page, she is turning
us against each other.
Okay. That is not possible.
I don't care about soup spoons
and gluten-free
boutonnieres.
I care about marrying you.
For all I'm concerned, we could
throw all of our choices
in a hat
and draw 'em at random.
We could make a game out of it.
We could do it right
in front of her,
at dinner with
Goldie and Shania.
But not Rocky, who swiped
not one but two bottles
of our good Merlot.
Show your mom that nothing
can come between us.
And you'll be okay with the
results, no matter what happens?
Yes.
Just no more disagreements.
Agreed.
Mm-hmm.
We are ready!
Yay! What are
we doing?
Oh, yeah. Well, Bryan and I
just want to settle
on a couple of our
wedding decisions.
Oh, you boys must
really be at odds.
No, Mother. Actually,
we are incredibly in sync.
So much so that we have agreed
to let the hat decide.
Well, I wish I had
that kind of free time.
Okay...
Let the games begin.
Okay, Shania,
would you like to do the honors?
Sorry. Sarah is
nonparticipatory.
Okay. Uh, first category is
beverage service, okay.
There will be two choices...
one is mine, one is Bryan's.
They will go into the hat...
mix it up, please.
And the winner is...
Oh, my God, it's mine...
Scott's microbrewery.
Sorry, baby.
No, no.
Listen, for our ten-year
vow renewal,
you'll do your mint mixology station.
Amazing.
The official floral
centerpiece choice is...
Succulent desert cacti.
- Yay for David. Yes!
- Arriba.
Law of averages says
you'll win the next one.
Our first dance will be to...
"I Only Wanna Be With You"
by Hootie & the Blowfish.
Love Hootie.
Oh, I don't like rap music.
Riblets.
Karaoke guestbook?
People love that.
Oh, I admire one's ability
to cut loose
and sing like fools.
Bryan, you made a whole
TV program about it.
Gyros.
Ooh, delicious.
Are you even putting mine in?
Tiki torches.
Festive.
Valets dressed as Sith Lords.
Oh, Shania.
Sarah.
Sarah!
Zoom, zoom!
And last but not least,
the mode of transportation
that will whisk the groom
and the groom
from the festivities will be...
Drumroll.
Segways... yes!
What are those?
Eat my dust. Eat my dust.
I cannot believe I won, like,
every category. Yes!
Hey, I've got a great idea
if you want to settle
the name fight.
It's not a fight, Mother.
Let the hat decide.
Oh... I don't
know about that.
Oh, come on,
it sounds like fun, right?
Yeah, I don't think...
This is happening.
Uh...
uh...
Bryan, why don't we just go
in the other room
and talk... are you gonna
write my name, okay.
Sweetie, we don't have...
It's fine, it's fine,
it's fine, it's fine,
it's fine.
Which will it be,
Thomas or Julie?
Oh, I'm so excited!
I can't wait to hear
my grandson's name.
Ready?
Julie.
Yes! Julie Sawyer lives!
Julie Sawyer lives, oh, my God.
You wet-kissing, waffle-flipping
son of a bitch!
Julie Sawyer's alive again.
Oh, congratulations.
Hey, that's so
good, oh, I'm so...
No!
I don't give a damn
what this paper says.
I can, I can let go
of a lot of things, okay?
Riblets, gyros,
Hootie & the Blowfishes.
Because at the end of the day
all those idiotic choices
are insignificant.
But under no circumstance
will my son be named Julie!
Game over.
Unless you disagree, Mother.
Well, I certainly
never raised him
to be such a poor sport.
Mother?
Oh, the sheets are very scratchy.
Do you have anything
a little less organic?
Yeah, I'll just run down
to the 7-Eleven.
Mother, we need to talk.
Oh, honey, you don't have
to apologize for your outburst.
Planning a wedding is
a very stressful time.
I know because I watch a lot
of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.
Okay, well,
that is a great show.
But, no, I'm not apologizing.
If anything, you should.
What do I have
to be sorry about?
The fact that
you don't know what...
what deserves an apology,
that deserves an apology.
Just forget it, I knew...
I knew this would happen
if invited you.
You weren't gonna invite me
to your wedding?
No.
No, I wasn't.
'Cause I don't want
to deal with this.
I tried with you
my very best, Bryan.
I am sorry
if you judge me for it.
Me?
All you do is judge me.
You make fun
of the way I dress.
You-you criticize
my work, my sheets.
Y-You like David's baby name
choice better than mine.
And look, I know you had
six kids to raise,
but you could have tried a
little bit harder to disguise
the fact that you loved me
less than the others.
You exhaust me, Bryan.
I-I can't win.
I come here to your wedding
to a man.
A man you're gonna
start a family with.
My friends make comments.
"I'm happy for them," I say.
"I-I'm so glad he found
a good person," I say.
"I was worried for a
while, but I'm not now.
"I can't wait to hold
my grandson," I say.
And then I come here
and share my
opinion about cake,
and you still see
me as the mother
who spanked you for
stealing her good lipstick?
You're still so hurt, Bryan,
and I can't fix the past.
You're gonna be a father now.
Isn't it time for
you to grow up?
Yes.
Thank you for coming, Mom.
Thank you for asking me, Bryan.
Oh, God, it's just so hard
to have big opinions.
I'm right almost all
the time and I have
no patience for
the slow-witted.
It makes people
feel very small.
I wouldn't recommend it.
I know, it's maddening.
I lived with you for 18 years.
And Bryan,
David has lived
with you for eight,
and is signing up
for a lifetime.
Give in on the little things,
sweetheart.
I never did.
Now, about that baby's name.
There will be a moment
when you will just know
what his name should be.
Be patient. It'll happen.
It happened on every
single one of my kids,
except for your sister.
In my defense, I was on a
few diet pills at the time.
Poor Marva.
I know.
I know.
How was school,
Sarah?
Did you learn fractions?
My name's not Sarah anymore.
I'm going back to Shania.
Something happened today
that changed my mind.
What are you doing?
What does it look like?
I'm building a log cabin
out of fish sticks.
I'm Sarah. What's your name?
Blog.
What?
It's a pretty weird name,
but I've never met
anyone else with it,
so I love it.
Well, Blog fits you.
To be honest,
my real name is Shania.
Some lady singer
named Shania was
on the radio in the drugstore
toilet where my parents made me.
Gross story.
But cool name.
A name defines you
before you have a chance
to do it yourself.
Sometimes being unique
is exhausting,
but it's who I am.
Thanks for the cool name, Dad.
Did you know that your mom's
going back to her maiden name?
It's... it's like
she's saying that
we were never married.
It makes me super sad.
You should tell her
how you feel.
Maybe I will, Sarah.
Shania.
It's gonna be hard
to get used to.
David?
I don't want you
to give up everything
that you want.
Our wedding day should be
a reflection of both
of our opinions.
But you hate all my ideas.
Actually, there's one
that I really love.
Oh, seriously?
You're okay with this song
being our first dance?
Oh, my God, no,
no, it's the worst.
No, we're just dancing now
to get it out of your system.
No, the idea that I love,
that I want to thank you for
is pushing me to invite
my mom to our wedding.
She actually gave me
some really great advice
about picking a baby name.
Oh, yeah? What was that?
To not stress about it.
That when the time was
right, we would just know.
It's so good. Come on.
You really like this, don't you?
Mm-hmm.
Oh...
♪ I'm gonna pout at you
until I get my way ♪
"Sawyer Collins."
♪ I won't dance... ♪
Oh, my God, I love it.
It's perfect.
♪ I just want to love you,
but you want to wear my ring ♪
♪ But there's nothing I can do ♪
Oh!
Yes!
It was the song.
♪ I only wanna be with you. ♪
Whoa!
Oh!
It was really sweet of
you to suggest this.
The girls are having
so much fun.
Goldie?
Do you remember the last time
we were at a bowling alley
together?
Yes, Yes, I'll marry you.
For better or worse.
Of course.
It's different, though.
I mean, we are a lot different.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Huh.
Oh.
Okay.
One thing hasn't changed.
I love you, and I don't care
if your name is Goldie Forrest
or Clemmons.
Hell, I'd change my name
to Clay Forrest
if it means
I get to spend the rest
of my life with you.
Goldie...
will you remarry me?
we've ever
had to make as a couple.
I know.
And even though I think
we're doing the right thing,
I feel like there's a voice
in our head screaming,
"You're making a mistake!"
I know.
But I've decided.
We're going with
the blood orange citrus.
Thank God.
You know, I really had my
heart set on the red velvet.
Honey, no.
Red velvet is such a trend cake.
It'll feel like
a hipster wedding
officiated by Mumford & Sons.
Listen, guys...
we still have over 900
wedding decisions to make,
and so far, all you
agreed on is...
well, nothing.
I know.
It's so hard making decisions
with someone who's not me.
Yeah, I mean,
we had nine months
to come up with a baby name,
and we're not even close.
Look, guys, my wife and I,
we've been through this.
We have named 16 kids together.
Luis, Luis Jr.,
Little Luis, Wide Luis.
But what I learned is that
if you can learn to compromise
in the little
things... like cake...
then you can move on
to the bigger issues
like baby names.
Why don't you start
with something simple?
Like candles.
Mm, these brown sugar
scented candles
smell so delicious.
Thank you for letting me
have them at the wedding.
Well, you did let me choose
my blood orange cake,
even though I did change it
to burnt almond meringue
after Guy Fieri ruined
citrus for us all. Yeah.
So...
there is something
that I would like
at our wedding
that I've been a little
scared to ask for.
No, you cannot do
your Gollum impression
when you put the ring
on my finger.
No.
I was wondering how you felt
about inviting your mother.
I feel...
No! No! No!
Oh, my God.
...conflicted?
Look, I know it's been a
little chilly between you two,
but you were working on it,
you opened a dialogue,
it's starting to thaw.
Don't you think
she should be here?
David, I want our wedding day
to be about positivity,
and love, and rented
trumpeter swans,
and not any kind of tensions
between my mother and I.
Okay, but she's your mom.
Why would I want to share
our wedding day...
our perfect day
to celebrate our love...
with her?
Because your love wants you to.
Fine.
Yeah?
No pretzel bread.
Agreed. Now...
Give me a kiss, my precious.
You were so close
to getting some.
What's it gonna be,
what's it gonna be?
I know!
Oh...
Oh...
It's our baby's
ultrasound picture.
He looks like a
potato with a face.
Thank God he didn't
get your nose.
Thank you so much, Goldie.
You can put it
on the bedside table
next to that picture
of your mom,
who I'm very excited
to meet, by the way.
Oh, no, honey, that's a picture
of Meg Ryan, before...
whatever the hell
happened there.
No, but you can meet Colleen.
Why don't you come to dinner?
Oh, we'd love to.
Yeah. Rocky,
do you want to come, too?
Thank you, but I've met
your mom, so I'll pass.
But I'll take home an expensive
bottle of red to make up
for what I would have drank.
Well, Shania and I
would love to attend.
Besides, it's important that
your mom meets Mr. Thingmeum.
Have you decided on a name yet?
Oh, uh...
Bryan and I are trying to avoid
the issue while Colleen is here.
It's important
that she sees
that David and I are on
the same page about things.
Like she and my dad were.
And the baby name
is a bit of a...
as they say on The View,
a "hot flash topic."
That's not what they say.
Well, they should.
Your child's name should be
a source of conflict.
My parents named me.
Rocky Rhoades.
A little black girl
named after lumpy ice cream?
I had to fight for my life
on the playground.
Shank or be shanked.
I'm talking prison rules, baby.
It was rough.
Mom?
Did you and Dad argue
about what my name would be?
Um... actually, no,
we pretty much agreed.
♪ That
don't impress me much... ♪
Oh, my God, I don't know
what it is about
Shania playing in the
toilet stall, but,
oh, baby, I'm so horny.
Oh. Wait! Go to the
family planning aisle
and steal some condoms.
What?
No, there's no time.
The song's almost over.
Mm!
That's how I got my name?
What? It was a loving moment
between me and your dad.
A few minutes
later, and your name
would have been Chumbawamba.
That is a great band.
How could you joke about this?
A name determines your destiny.
And now I'm stuck for life
with the choice you made
to a soundtrack of
Canadian pop country
and auto-flushes?
Well, that don't
impress me much.
Oh, you... Shania.
Help me up.
Yeah. Yeah. You keep that up,
and no Nancy Grace for a week!
My God. If we named
our child after
the song that was playing
when we first hooked up,
his name would be Hoobastank.
Hoobastank.
I like that name.
Hoobastank Collins.
Hmm, white people have
the craziest names for bands.
Hey, guys.
Whoa, no dessert
before dinner, Shania.
I'm not Shania.
I'm changing my name to Sarah.
What are you
talking about, monkey?
For the past ten years,
I've been saddled with
your oddball name of Shania,
the name that you
arbitrarily chose
because of the random song
that was playing
while you were having
premarital relations
in a pharmacy.
Oh, yeah!
That was you.
There are five girls
in my class named Sarah.
I just want to be one of them.
Your mom and I agreed
on that name. Together.
And you are not changing it.
Case closed.
I don't think
it's a big deal, Clay.
Let her call herself
Sarah if she wants.
Case reopened.
Sarah's awesome mom
gets a bigger vote
than Shania's inflexible dad.
Whoa, Shania...
How could you do that to me?
In front of our daughter.
You know, now she thinks
we're not a united front.
This whole Sarah thing
will blow over.
Last weekend,
she was the Hamburglar.
I mean...
Sorry. I-I just don't think
that names matter that much.
Although...
I've been thinking
about my name, too.
I've been through so many
changes this year.
So I'm gonna drop Clemmons
and go back to
my maiden name, Forrest.
No. Y-You can't do that.
It's not a big deal, Clay.
No.
It's the biggest deal.
We may not live together,
Goldie, but the fact that
we share the same last name,
it says we're a family.
Bryan, that getup
you're wearing.
Y-You look like...
Like a gay yacht captain?
When you say it,
it's a lot less fun.
Now, Colleen,
when was the last time
we saw each other?
Dad's funeral. Dad's funeral.
Oh.
Oh, that was a tough day
for everyone.
Especially your father, right?
I absolutely love your home.
Oh.
Oh.
It's like the palace
of a tasteful dictator.
Thank you, Mother, it is.
It will be the perfect place
to raise our child.
Speaking of, I was hoping
maybe that you would whisper
the name of my grandson to me.
Oh, well, actually,
we're still sort of
kicking the tires on
a few options, there.
You haven't decided yet?
He could arrive at any time.
Okay, just give me
a few names you agree on.
Okay. Uh, well,
I would like to name him
after my grandpa.
He was the best.
Oh...
Yeah, he was a bit of
a moist kisser,
but he made
one hell of an omelet.
His name was Julius,
but everyone called him Julie.
Julie...
the male offspring
of two homosexuals.
I can't imagine
any angry therapy sessions
in his future.
Don't make fun, Bryan.
Obviously David was very fond
of his grandfather, and I think
Julius is a very nice name.
Well, thank you, Colleen.
What do you think of...
Thomas?
Mm.
Hmm? Right?
It's the name of a president,
an apostle.
An English muffin
with nooks and crannies.
And if Bryan gets his way,
then your baby's name
will be Tom Sawyer.
Wait, why would you assume
we're using David's last name?
Well, David's the donor.
Is that not "the way"?
And, Bryan, if
we use your last name,
his name would be Tom Collins.
Oh, no. He'll be teased by
all the 55-year-old mortgage
brokers at the airport bar.
Boys, I don't want
to start any chaos.
Mother, what-what chaos?
This is not chaos.
David and I agree
on everything else.
Oh, it's true.
We've planned our entire wedding
with not so much
as a speed bump.
You know, actually, we are going
over the final details
with the wedding
planner tomorrow.
Why don't you come with us,
and you can see all the
decisions we agreed on.
I would love to.
Because I really want
to see that,
you two boys on
the same page together.
I mean, are you even sure
you're both gay?
Well, if we're not,
we did something
really weird last night.
Okay.
Here's your flower choice.
Perfect.
Love 'em.
Centerpieces. Fantastic.
Stunning.
And napkin rings.
Our napkins will look
so gorgeous in those things.
So round.
It's so nice to see you boys
finally in agreement.
And here is your choice of cake.
A burnt almond meringue.
"Burnt almond"?
It sounds...
well, let's face it,
it sounds burnt.
Which is historically a sign
of failure in cake.
I actually wanted a red velvet,
but Bryan insisted.
I just feel very
strongly about this.
Red velvet is passé.
Is it passé, or is it perennial?
Plantation owners
used to eat it
in the antebellum South.
So I'm supposed to serve
a racist cake at my wedding?
Bryan does know about
this stuff.
All I'm saying is,
I respect and appreciate
your partner's choice.
So do I.
Well, red velvet it is, then.
David, what else did
Bryan say no to?
Oh... um...
Come on, show me.
This was my nightmare.
I literally had a bad dream
that my mother did nothing
but undermine me
and pit us against each other.
Except in my dream,
you were as tall as me.
I think
you're overreacting, Bry.
Of course you do.
You know why?
Because she's siding with you
and not me.
About cake?
Who cares? It's not important.
Well, it's not
when you haven't had
to deal with it
your entire life.
Do you really think
my mother wanted
to watch Baywatch Nights
like my little brothers?
No. She just did it because
she knew I didn't want to.
This is exactly why I
didn't want to invite her.
Because at a time
where it is crucial
for us to be
on the same page, she is turning
us against each other.
Okay. That is not possible.
I don't care about soup spoons
and gluten-free
boutonnieres.
I care about marrying you.
For all I'm concerned, we could
throw all of our choices
in a hat
and draw 'em at random.
We could make a game out of it.
We could do it right
in front of her,
at dinner with
Goldie and Shania.
But not Rocky, who swiped
not one but two bottles
of our good Merlot.
Show your mom that nothing
can come between us.
And you'll be okay with the
results, no matter what happens?
Yes.
Just no more disagreements.
Agreed.
Mm-hmm.
We are ready!
Yay! What are
we doing?
Oh, yeah. Well, Bryan and I
just want to settle
on a couple of our
wedding decisions.
Oh, you boys must
really be at odds.
No, Mother. Actually,
we are incredibly in sync.
So much so that we have agreed
to let the hat decide.
Well, I wish I had
that kind of free time.
Okay...
Let the games begin.
Okay, Shania,
would you like to do the honors?
Sorry. Sarah is
nonparticipatory.
Okay. Uh, first category is
beverage service, okay.
There will be two choices...
one is mine, one is Bryan's.
They will go into the hat...
mix it up, please.
And the winner is...
Oh, my God, it's mine...
Scott's microbrewery.
Sorry, baby.
No, no.
Listen, for our ten-year
vow renewal,
you'll do your mint mixology station.
Amazing.
The official floral
centerpiece choice is...
Succulent desert cacti.
- Yay for David. Yes!
- Arriba.
Law of averages says
you'll win the next one.
Our first dance will be to...
"I Only Wanna Be With You"
by Hootie & the Blowfish.
Love Hootie.
Oh, I don't like rap music.
Riblets.
Karaoke guestbook?
People love that.
Oh, I admire one's ability
to cut loose
and sing like fools.
Bryan, you made a whole
TV program about it.
Gyros.
Ooh, delicious.
Are you even putting mine in?
Tiki torches.
Festive.
Valets dressed as Sith Lords.
Oh, Shania.
Sarah.
Sarah!
Zoom, zoom!
And last but not least,
the mode of transportation
that will whisk the groom
and the groom
from the festivities will be...
Drumroll.
Segways... yes!
What are those?
Eat my dust. Eat my dust.
I cannot believe I won, like,
every category. Yes!
Hey, I've got a great idea
if you want to settle
the name fight.
It's not a fight, Mother.
Let the hat decide.
Oh... I don't
know about that.
Oh, come on,
it sounds like fun, right?
Yeah, I don't think...
This is happening.
Uh...
uh...
Bryan, why don't we just go
in the other room
and talk... are you gonna
write my name, okay.
Sweetie, we don't have...
It's fine, it's fine,
it's fine, it's fine,
it's fine.
Which will it be,
Thomas or Julie?
Oh, I'm so excited!
I can't wait to hear
my grandson's name.
Ready?
Julie.
Yes! Julie Sawyer lives!
Julie Sawyer lives, oh, my God.
You wet-kissing, waffle-flipping
son of a bitch!
Julie Sawyer's alive again.
Oh, congratulations.
Hey, that's so
good, oh, I'm so...
No!
I don't give a damn
what this paper says.
I can, I can let go
of a lot of things, okay?
Riblets, gyros,
Hootie & the Blowfishes.
Because at the end of the day
all those idiotic choices
are insignificant.
But under no circumstance
will my son be named Julie!
Game over.
Unless you disagree, Mother.
Well, I certainly
never raised him
to be such a poor sport.
Mother?
Oh, the sheets are very scratchy.
Do you have anything
a little less organic?
Yeah, I'll just run down
to the 7-Eleven.
Mother, we need to talk.
Oh, honey, you don't have
to apologize for your outburst.
Planning a wedding is
a very stressful time.
I know because I watch a lot
of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.
Okay, well,
that is a great show.
But, no, I'm not apologizing.
If anything, you should.
What do I have
to be sorry about?
The fact that
you don't know what...
what deserves an apology,
that deserves an apology.
Just forget it, I knew...
I knew this would happen
if invited you.
You weren't gonna invite me
to your wedding?
No.
No, I wasn't.
'Cause I don't want
to deal with this.
I tried with you
my very best, Bryan.
I am sorry
if you judge me for it.
Me?
All you do is judge me.
You make fun
of the way I dress.
You-you criticize
my work, my sheets.
Y-You like David's baby name
choice better than mine.
And look, I know you had
six kids to raise,
but you could have tried a
little bit harder to disguise
the fact that you loved me
less than the others.
You exhaust me, Bryan.
I-I can't win.
I come here to your wedding
to a man.
A man you're gonna
start a family with.
My friends make comments.
"I'm happy for them," I say.
"I-I'm so glad he found
a good person," I say.
"I was worried for a
while, but I'm not now.
"I can't wait to hold
my grandson," I say.
And then I come here
and share my
opinion about cake,
and you still see
me as the mother
who spanked you for
stealing her good lipstick?
You're still so hurt, Bryan,
and I can't fix the past.
You're gonna be a father now.
Isn't it time for
you to grow up?
Yes.
Thank you for coming, Mom.
Thank you for asking me, Bryan.
Oh, God, it's just so hard
to have big opinions.
I'm right almost all
the time and I have
no patience for
the slow-witted.
It makes people
feel very small.
I wouldn't recommend it.
I know, it's maddening.
I lived with you for 18 years.
And Bryan,
David has lived
with you for eight,
and is signing up
for a lifetime.
Give in on the little things,
sweetheart.
I never did.
Now, about that baby's name.
There will be a moment
when you will just know
what his name should be.
Be patient. It'll happen.
It happened on every
single one of my kids,
except for your sister.
In my defense, I was on a
few diet pills at the time.
Poor Marva.
I know.
I know.
How was school,
Sarah?
Did you learn fractions?
My name's not Sarah anymore.
I'm going back to Shania.
Something happened today
that changed my mind.
What are you doing?
What does it look like?
I'm building a log cabin
out of fish sticks.
I'm Sarah. What's your name?
Blog.
What?
It's a pretty weird name,
but I've never met
anyone else with it,
so I love it.
Well, Blog fits you.
To be honest,
my real name is Shania.
Some lady singer
named Shania was
on the radio in the drugstore
toilet where my parents made me.
Gross story.
But cool name.
A name defines you
before you have a chance
to do it yourself.
Sometimes being unique
is exhausting,
but it's who I am.
Thanks for the cool name, Dad.
Did you know that your mom's
going back to her maiden name?
It's... it's like
she's saying that
we were never married.
It makes me super sad.
You should tell her
how you feel.
Maybe I will, Sarah.
Shania.
It's gonna be hard
to get used to.
David?
I don't want you
to give up everything
that you want.
Our wedding day should be
a reflection of both
of our opinions.
But you hate all my ideas.
Actually, there's one
that I really love.
Oh, seriously?
You're okay with this song
being our first dance?
Oh, my God, no,
no, it's the worst.
No, we're just dancing now
to get it out of your system.
No, the idea that I love,
that I want to thank you for
is pushing me to invite
my mom to our wedding.
She actually gave me
some really great advice
about picking a baby name.
Oh, yeah? What was that?
To not stress about it.
That when the time was
right, we would just know.
It's so good. Come on.
You really like this, don't you?
Mm-hmm.
Oh...
♪ I'm gonna pout at you
until I get my way ♪
"Sawyer Collins."
♪ I won't dance... ♪
Oh, my God, I love it.
It's perfect.
♪ I just want to love you,
but you want to wear my ring ♪
♪ But there's nothing I can do ♪
Oh!
Yes!
It was the song.
♪ I only wanna be with you. ♪
Whoa!
Oh!
It was really sweet of
you to suggest this.
The girls are having
so much fun.
Goldie?
Do you remember the last time
we were at a bowling alley
together?
Yes, Yes, I'll marry you.
For better or worse.
Of course.
It's different, though.
I mean, we are a lot different.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Huh.
Oh.
Okay.
One thing hasn't changed.
I love you, and I don't care
if your name is Goldie Forrest
or Clemmons.
Hell, I'd change my name
to Clay Forrest
if it means
I get to spend the rest
of my life with you.
Goldie...
will you remarry me?