The New Normal (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 22 - The Big Day - full transcript

DAVID:
Look at it.

It makes me so happy
that I could cry.

All these months of planning,
and it's finally here.

Our perfect day.

I'm so glad that we decided
to do it in our home

and not some cold hotel.

Yes, our home is a
reflection of who we are.

Do you know how many hours
I've slaved in that garden?

Yes. Diego tells me
all the time

how hard you work
telling him what to do.

(chuckles)



Our home, our day, our way.

The way we want,

our choices, to
reflect who we are.

It's everything
that we ever wanted.

You're everything
I ever wanted.

I'm just sorry that you didn't
get that one thing

that you were hoping for.

How you liking that wine,
Father Michael?

You kidding?
After a lifetime

sipping the sacramental swill
the church gets...

no offense to BevMo!,

our friends in Christ...

this is a real treat. Thank you.

Um... so, Father, as you know,



David and I are getting
married in a couple weeks.

We would like you to marry us.

Look, guys,
I'm all for nontraditional.

But, uh,

I work a very traditional job

with very traditional rules.

You know, I'm sorry.
I really wish I could.

Yeah, that one sort of hurt.

But who knows? Maybe our backup
choice will work out fine.

(slurping)
How's that chocolate milk, Gary?

Mmm. Fantastic.
I love to pretend I'm drinking

milk from an African cow.

And I've got to say,

I would be thrilled
to marry you guys.

Officiate, Gary.
We're not looking for a third.

Well, as you know, I'm a pro.

I ran a chapel
in Laughlin, Nevada.

Married over 400 drunk couples.

And I met Jeff Dunham,
America's foremost

comedy ventriloquist.

His dummy, Pumpkin,
came onto me.

Stuck his little wooden hand
right down my pants.

Look, I know it's not
your traditional choice,

but isn't that the point?

We're making
our own traditions.

Oh, no! No, no, no!

You're not supposed to see
each other on your wedding day.

It's bad luck.

Oh, Mom. We don't
believe in that.

I don't care what you believe
in... that's the tradition.

Go. All right,
I'll take Bryan then.

Uh...
(chuckles)

David...
Let her have this one thing.

Just promise me:

Our day, our way.

No eye contact.

(laughs)

(sputters) Stupid baby.

I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean that.

You are a beautiful boy.
Beautiful boy.

I love this tux
you made me, Mom.

I feel like a seat filler
at the Academy Awards.

Aw, thanks, sweetie.

And who knows,
maybe the next thing

you'll be making is
a wedding dress for yourself.

Okay, out with it.

Just tell me how you really feel
about your dad re-proposing.

Come on, Mom,
how long does it take you

to come up with two letters?

Uh, but don't you think it might
be nice to be a family again?

Like we used to be?

No! We moved out here
because of how it used to be.

Shania, he's the only man
I've ever loved.

Well, once that baby plops out,

maybe you should put on a little
lipstick and change that.

Shake your ass a little, Mom.

Whoa-whoa-whee-whoo, Shania.

Look, nine months ago,
you had nothing to lose.

You took a chance,

and 'cause you did, I got
the best version of my mom

and a dad I never knew
could be so great.

If you say yes
to his re-proposal,

all that could go away.

Now I have everything to lose.

Mama.

David, you look so sexy!

(chuckles)

Ah! If you weren't
my son and gay,

I'd eat you with hot sauce.

(groans) Where's Dad?

I thought you guys
were driving down together.

Oh, we were going to,

but then his girlfriend's mom
passed away.

Said he had to be with Crystal.

Oh, that's terrible.
How did she die?

Lethal injection.
But never mind about that.

Today's your big day.

There's something special
I want you to wear.

Voilà!

It's the tuxedo

your Grandpa Julie wore
on his wedding day.

Mom, I can't wear this.

Bryan and I discussed it.

We promised
to do things our way.

Oh, come on, David.
Don't ruin a family tradition.

Now, where's that Goldie
with a needle and thread?

We need to take up the crotch.

You know how big your
Grandpa Julie was down there.

(sighs)

You okay, boo?

Well, I hate to admit it,
but I'm scared.

Mm. I know. I get it.
Cold feet, huh?

Well, listen,

David's dark inside,

passive-aggressive
and you know what?

I really think
he resents your success.

It's better you realized it now.

What are you talking about?
I love David.

Oh, my God. Me, too.

He is so sweet.

No, Rocky, I'm talking
about the vows.

We both agreed not
to write anything down,

just to speak from the heart,
and now I'm afraid.

I'm nervous
I'm gonna expose myself

as someone
with human qualities.

My son at his wedding.

I remember crying
when you were 15

because I thought I
would never see this day.

I'd just found a magazine
under his bed... Mirabella.

Uh, Rocky, would you mind
giving us a moment alone?

Look, Mom, I...

I know that the last several
years have been... difficult,

but I'm glad we made it through,

and I really appreciate
you being here.

I know your father
would be so proud

if he were here.
You think so?

Well, he wouldn't say it.

You know, he'd just
complain about

his overactive bladder.

(laughs)

Bryan...

I want to walk you
down the aisle.

Oh, Mom,

I can't. I promised David

it would just be the two of us
walking down the aisle.

Please, Bryan.

For me.

And your dad.

(classical music playing,
quiet chatter)

Ooh.

My girls!

Oh, my God, Shania,

you look like Janelle Monáe,

except for a little taller
and paler.

And, Goldie,

I hear you could be the next one
down the aisle.

Who told you that?

(gasps)

Oh.

Shania, I have something
to say to you.

The last time that I was
in this house for a wedding,

it was yours.

And I ruined it.

I'm very sorry.
It's okay.

Wilbur and I weren't ready
for that level of intimacy.

(chuckles)
Oh, my God, if you would've

told me then that I was
accepting an invitation

to a wedding of two guys,
I would've hung myself.

And I would've knocked that
chair right from under you.

Here's to Bryan and David,

the happiest couple I know.

Whoa. That was a
beautiful speech, Nana.

(quietly): Please don't tell
people that Clay proposed,

at least
until I've made my mind up.

Oh, you're so controlling
for a liberal.

Okay. I'll tell you later,
but I just want you to know

that I have some big news
about me and Brice.

Oh.

Now Rocky and I
are gonna get lit up.

(laughing)

Come on, Nikki.

Shania, look.
A chocolate fountain

right there.
Let's stick a shrimp in there

and see if it swims.
Come on.

Oh...

Goldie.

Oh, hey.

I understand you
received a proposal.

Are congratulations in order?

Honestly, I'm not sure.

All right, listen.
I don't know

if I'm out of line
by saying this.

I've been holding this back.

Goldie, you are
an amazing woman.

You are. You're-you're driven
yet kind, you're funny.

I mean, you're carrying a baby
for two guys who can't.

You're like a beautiful
stork for gays.

Brice... Look around this room.

Look, every soul who you've
touched comes out better for it.

I see you, Goldie.

You transform life
into something new.

And marrying your ex

just feels old.

CLAY:
Goldie,

I dropped my prepaid phone
in the fountain,

and then I tried
to fish it out with my keys,

and now everything's
covered in chocolate.

How do I look?

Exactly like your father
did when we got married.

Except handsome and skinny.

Come on, Colleen, the
ceremony's about to start.

Let's go to our "hot mothers
of the grooms" seats

and scope out which cater
waiters we're gonna schtup.

Uh, I'm-I'm so sorry,

but I-I'm gonna be walking Bryan
down the aisle.

Why didn't anyone tell me?

I would've worn
something more revealing

had I known I'd be part
of the processional.

You got to put the fresh produce
at the front

of the grocery store,
if you know what I mean.

I do.

Frances, I'm sorry. My mom
is walking me down the aisle.

It's just something
we're doing together.

It means a lot to her.

Because my husband
is no longer with us.

Oh. I'm supposed to be punished
because my ex-husband

didn't die of tushy cancer?

I want to walk my son
down the aisle, too.

Just... David and I are
trying to keep this simple.

It is simple: if she
gets to, I get to.

Colleen has six kids.

She has five more chances
to do this again.

You're not really gonna
deny me this, Bryan, are you?

Welcome, friends,

to this most blessed day
of marriage,

a celebration of love
and commitment

between Bryan and David.

The Taoists commemorate
this joyful union

with a timeless saying:

(speaking Chinese)

What is he saying? GARY: Nope.

I think that means.

"I'd like to take a bath
with the two fat ones."

(sighs) David?

Oh, my God,

you look so handsome.

I am the luckiest man
in the world.

Oh, my God, you look insane.

What in the hell
are you wearing?

It's my Grandpa Julie's.
My mom made me wear it.

And you couldn't...
oh, I don't know... refuse?

Or were you planning on going
straight from the wedding

to perform magic
on a cruise ship?

Everybody's shoving their
old musty traditions

down our throat; this is
no longer our wedding.

Well, do we have to go through
with it like this?

Yes. I know it's traditional,
but it would mean

a lot to me if we were married
before our baby came.

I know, I know.

David.

Hey.

May this tuxedo
bring you and Bryan

the same bottomless ecstasy

it brought my mother
and father.

She couldn't walk straight
for two days after that night.

What a lovely tribute, Frances.

Okay.

Shall we?

Shall we what?

I'm sorry. My dad is dead.

Shall we what?

Wrong finger, genius.

(Vivaldi's "Spring" playing)

(electronics clicking, chiming)

Bruce, Bruce, Bruce.

I'm pretty sure
that's for after.

Okay. All right.
Thanks, Mom.

What is...

(quietly): You wrote vows?
I thought we were gonna wing it.

We are gonna wing it.
I just planned mine.

What am I supposed to do?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

(music ends)

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here
today to witness as

this man joins this man
with this man.

Three men.

Rather, two men...

I'm so sorry.

I don't want to interrupt.

It's such a lovely ceremony,

but, um...

I-I think my water just broke.

(shouts) Oh!

Do something!
(electronics clicking)

Oh, my God!
Get a towel.

Ooh, help me, Jesus.

Give her some...

Just give her some room.

(John Lennon's
"Beautiful Boy" playing)

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ Have no fear ♪

♪ The monster's gone ♪

♪ He's on the run ♪

♪ And your daddy's here ♪

♪ Beautiful, beautiful,
beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful boy ♪

♪ Beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful, beautiful ♪
(panting)

♪ Beautiful boy ♪

♪ Before you go to sleep ♪

♪ Say a little prayer ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ In every way ♪

♪ It's getting
better and better ♪

♪ Beautiful, beautiful,
beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful boy ♪

♪ Beautiful, beautiful,
beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful boy ♪

♪ Out on the ocean ♪

♪ Sailing away ♪

(strained grunting)

♪ I can hardly wait ♪
Push, push.

(grunting)

♪ To see you come of age ♪

It's coming!

I can see the head.

♪ But I guess
we'll both just have ♪

One more, one more.

♪ To be patient ♪
DOCTOR: Here we go.

(crying)

♪ 'Cause it's long way to go ♪

♪ A hard row to hoe ♪

♪ Yes, it's a long way to go ♪

♪ But in the meantime ♪

♪ Before you cross the street ♪

♪ Take my hand ♪

♪ Life is what happens to you ♪

♪ While you're busy
making other plans ♪

♪ Beautiful, beautiful,
beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful boy ♪

♪ Beautiful, beautiful,
beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful boy ♪

♪ Before you go to sleep ♪

♪ Say a little prayer ♪

♪ Every day ♪
It's okay. It's okay.

♪ In every way,
it's getting better ♪

♪ And better, yeah ♪

♪ Beautiful, beautiful,
beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful boy ♪

♪ Darling, darling ♪

♪ Darling ♪

♪ Darling Sean. ♪

Sawyer Collins.

It's nice to finally meet you.

I'm Bryan Collins.

But you can call me...

Dad.

Say, "No more belly!"
No more belly!

Although, there is
still kind of a bloop,

'cause it's only
been two weeks.

Hey, goggles, can I talk to
your mom for a minute, alone?

Why don't you go work on
your Hillary Clinton impression.

(mock laughing)

Do you remember
at the boys' non-wedding

I told you I had some big news
about me and Brice?

You're getting married?

Married? Are you
out of your mind?

Goldie, Brice is a booty call.

He's perfect for a free-spirited
woman of today, like me.

(laughs) No.

Brice and I had
a co-listing...

this house on Lindo Street.

It closed.

Yeah!

It's a six-figure commission.

Whoa.

Goldie, don't you get it?

We got what we came here for.

Okay. I know what you're
gonna say now, Nana.

That it's time to
move back to Ohio

so I can marry Clay and
raise Shania in a place

where people still worship God
and football and spareribs.

No, it isn't.

Goldie, sit down.

I want to say thank you, Goldie,
for changing my life.

Look at what you've done.

You came here,

you got this
incredible apartment

for you and your daughter,

you started your own business.

You showed me how to be
an independent woman.

And now I've got

green in the bank
and a black friend named Rocky.

(laughs)

I don't ever want to go back
to the way things were.

Why would you?

I still love him.

Fine. Love him.

But don't you ever forget
what you taught me:

You embrace your potential
and not your past.

Shh.

Who loves his daddy?

Sawyer loves his daddy.

Who loves his daddy?

(beeping) Sawyer.

Sawyer loves his daddy.

Who loves his daddy?

Sawyer loves his daddy.

Okay, now it's time for Sawyer
to love his papa. Gimme, gimme.

Oh, no, the book says that at
two weeks he can see our faces.

Let him enjoy this one a
while longer; it's so good.

We agreed
on 30-minute intervals.

It's my turn. Rocky?

I told you... you guys
should have gotten two.

You know you don't
like to share.

Me and Nikki have
a one-on-one ratio.

Oh, okay, okay, just wait.

Do you have his head? Do you have his head?
I know. Yeah.

Oh, careful, careful. I got it.
I have his head.

I have his head.
David, let go of his head.

Hello, my dear.

Hi, Goldie.
Oh. Look who I have!

Oh, yes, he's the most beautiful
baby ever. Have you seen Shania?

She slipped out, and I thought

she might be here.
Is she here?

No. You can't find her?

No, she's not
answering her phone.

I'm so worried.
Calm down.

You'll pop your stitches.

If she has tracking on

her cell phone,
we will find her.

Okay.

(seagulls squawking in distance)

Shania?

About time you got here.

I'm a ten-year-old
alone on a beach.

Do you know how many
modeling jobs I've been offered?

We were so worried.
Why did you do this?

I wanted to show you that.

I wanted to remind you why

we came out here
in the first place.

Look, you can't see
the end of it.

We have a great life, Mom.

I love our family
the way it is.

What, just...
you and me?

No way. Them, too.

This is the family we built.

You, me, Bryan, David,
Rocky, Nikki and Sawyer.

Why would we ever change that?

Sometimes you are so
much smarter than me.

Girl, it ain't just sometimes.

I'm gonna say no to your dad.

But... we are gonna
raise you together.

And ground you together
for running away.

Fair enough.

David... this is all I
wanted our wedding to be.

Just us, right here.

This right now is so perfect.

I wish we could've just done
it right here on the beach.

♪ ♪

What about music?

I'll sing.

But first I need to stop by
one of those "doctor" shops

and get me a medical
marijuana card.

Oh. Girl, stop looking
at me like that.

I got ocular pressure.

No need, Rocky.

You want us to get you
a Gatorade or a Pedialyte?

All right,
just try to stand up.

(Goldie laughs)

Okay, so now we just need
someone to officiate.

I saw a guy at Muscle Beach.

He was wearing
a Supertramp Speedo

and juggling chainsaws,

but his sign said he'd do
anything for three dollars.

Oh.
Oh.

Oh. Go get him.

Don't worry about it, guys.

I have it covered.

Father Michael!

What are you doing here?

You getting a henna tattoo?

Do I look like a
13-year-old girl?

(laughter)

David called me, said
he wanted his fiancé

to have the wedding
of his dreams,

and that my being here would
mean so much to you, Bryan.

It does. It's amazing.

Mm, no, it's half-assed.

What? I don't
have my collar on.

Look, I once told you
to fight for change,

but I can't ask you
to do something

that I'm not prepared
to do myself.

So...

(sighs):
God help me... here we go.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today

to witness the joining together
of these two souls.

Bryan, do you take this man

to be your partner
in life, in love,

committed to one another's joy

and sustenance
from this day forth,

so long as you both shall live?

I do.

And do you, David,

take this man to be
your partner in life,

in love, committed
to one another's joy

and sustenance
from this day forth,

so long as you both shall live?

I do.

Then by the power vested in me

as a child of God,
I now pronounce you...

a family.

(laughs)

(laughter, whooping)

GOLDIE:
Yes!

Well, no lightning bolts...
what do you know?

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ Have no fear ♪

♪ The monster's gone ♪

♪ He's on the run ♪

♪ And your daddy's here ♪

♪ Darling, darling, darling ♪

♪ Beautiful boy. ♪