The New Normal (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 2 - Sofa's Choice - full transcript

You wanna see me?
Sorry there was rock on me.

You were getting
a hot-oil massage.

My imagination will not be held
prisoner to my lazy body. Bryan,

what if I told you
the gardener found your puppy

in the bottom of the pool?

That he sank
like a Fluffy stone?

Oh, my God, no!

Just kidding.
The puppy's fine.

Perspective, baby.
I wanted you to see

to see how bad it could be
when you saw this.

This is a rare wormley sofa
I bought at auction.



I outbid James Franco just so

I could see his neck vein
throbbing in sexy frustration!

Who would do something
like this?

I bet it was
that damn surrogate's kid.

See, this is why
my people spank.

Is this what
having children means?

That I have to give up all
the beautiful things in my life?

I have OCD, you know.

Obsessive Chic Disorder.

Bryan, maybe

it's a good thing
Goldie's pee test was negative.

If you and David have a baby,

this is gonna be your lives
for 18 years.

Maybe you're not ready
for such a brutal change.



Also, I need a raise.

Hey, rocky.
Bryan, come on.

We're going to be late
to meet Goldie.

David, look at this.
Look at this!

Look what that miniature
Sally Jesse Raphael did!

Is that you? He does
make that face.

Come on.
Shania's a kid.

Kids do stuff like this.

Obviously, if we're
going to have a baby,

our lives are going
to change a lot.

Wait! I thought
rent-a-belly turned out

not to be in the gay family way.

Now, is she, or isn't she?

Why are you both looking at me like that?
'Cause you're a doctor.

The negative
we got could just be

'cause it was too early
for a urine test.

But this blood test
detects the HCG hormone,

which is the one that we want,
a week after conception.

Bryan,

are you mad at me
'cause my pee test was negative?

No, honey.

Your daughter colored
on my fancy couch,

and frankly,
I'm having a moment.

She did what?! I'm so sorry.

I'll pay to have it cleaned. My couch
was an exquisite leather antique.

Now we'll just think of it as
judi dench with a tramp-stamp.

I'll knit you an Afghan to cover it up.
Please don't.

Now, look,
we love watching Shania

while you get settled
into your new place.

She is very well behaved.
I'm sure there's an explanation.

Yeah. I'll talk to her
when I get home.

No. You know what?

Why don't we have Bryan talk
to her?

Ooh. It'll be good practice
for when he's a dad.

I feel so bad about this.
Oh, please don't.

Don't. I'm used to living
with imperfection.

Do you see how this side of my
face is degrees more handsome

than this side?

This side? This side?

I don't see it.
I'm so sorry.

I know! Identically handsome!

Do you think Shania's acting out
by drawing on your couch?

Am I a terrible mom? No. No.

No! You are
a terrific mom.

Yeah. Okay? You're doing
all this for her.

Don't play with the buzzer.

My God, miss pepper,
you look stunning today.

Can you please get the
results of these samples

as soon as possible?

I wouldn't rush it
if I were you.

Thing comes back
positive, jig's up.

Your life won't belong to you anymore.
No, no, no.

See, that is the thing

that people do not understand
about parenting.

It is all about setting limits.

You are in charge.

Your life will only change
as much as you let it.

Yeah, that's good.

You are hilarious.

That made me feel better.

I'm sorry to bother you,
sir, but when you're done,

could you please
check the toilet?

It's stopped up.
But not, um, from me.

I bet the hombre
that lived here before you

tried to flush his stash.

Oh, not you, amigo.

There's a bad bean
in every burrito.

Nana...

I drove 2,200 miles

to get away from your opinions.

Please, just go.

You are my granddaughter,

and I am not going anywhere
without you and the kid.

I'll just stay in
the best Western.

It's the cleanest place
in the whole filthy city.

The entire state should be
wrapped in a condom.

Grey gardens has
fallen into absolute disrepair.

Don't be embarrassed,

mother darling. Living in
squalor absolutely becomes you.

What's with the lunatic?

Oh. She watched a documentary
called grey gardens

about a-a crazy
mother and daughter

living in a crumbling house.

And now she's pretending
to be one of them.

Goldie, you have got
to get goggles home.

This is home now.
No, don't say that anymore.

Your daughter has no business

spending time
with those candy packers

in that sodom and gomorrah
fudge factory!

Do you know that when
I went to pick her up

earlier... because
I am the only one

in this family
that owns a car...

I was blinded by gay.

Those fruits are like
cannibals.

All they eat is fruit.

And you will never guess what
I found in the powder room.

You mind? Are you sure you're even
supposed to be using this one?

If I could get up now,

I would knock you
on your pterodactyl ass.

But those bugle blowers saved

the real kicker
for their bedroom.

When I was a girl,
we studied presidents

who owned people
like this president.

There are plenty
of lovely people in the world.

I just don't happen
to be related to any of them.

She's a freakin' nut job!

She can hear you!

Please, just go!

Fine.

Just let me know
if you're pregnant.

I'd like to send a
congratulations card...

To Satan.

It's been more than an hour,
so my pizza's free.

It's me.

Oh, Nana, thank God.

Did you make Goldie
love me again?

Stop whining!

Grow a pair, put on pants,

get on a plane,

and stop your lady
from screwing up her life.

Yeah, what do I do
about my pizza?

What is up?
Your sucky suck game sucks

more than you usually suck.

Yeah? I'm a little distracted.

Debating on whether to share
a little piece of life news.

Oh, so you do know how to share,
just not the ball.

Pass it, man! Aah!

Can you bend it?
Could be a ligament.

Could be a scaphoid fracture
along the carpus here.

Let's go to my office
and get an X-ray.

Guys!

Ryan and I may be having a baby.

Oh.
No!

Homosexuality is the ultimate
form of birth control!

How could you do
this to us, David?

What? Do what?
What are you talking about?

Don't you know?!

We live through you!

When you watch hockey

without multitasking

a game of candyland...

every single time,

all of us...
we pretend to be you,

just without the guy-on-guy sex.

That's funny.

I thought you guys
would be happy for us.

Hearing about your life
without kids...

that's what makes us happy!

And now
you've screwed it all up!

You're gay! You could've avoided
this whole parenting mess!

You could have gotten
out alive, man.

I have a three-year-old son
and six-month-old twin girls.

Do you know the last time
I made love to my wife?

Seriously. I'm asking you.

Do you know?
Because I don't!

They say you don't know real
love till you have children.

Yes, you do. It's called
spare cash, free time

and daylight masturbation.

I don't know anything
about the guy

who invented sleep deprivation
as a torture technique.

The one thing I do know...
that dude's got kids.

You guys are scaring me.

Couldn't have told me all this

before I went
into that little room

with the cup and
the Kevin bacon DVD?

Breathe deep, man.

These are your
last moments of freedom.

I'm letting the couch thing go.

I mean, it's just stuff.

Right? It's not like
stuff can love you,

or stuff can take care of you
in your old age.

Then again,
I don't really intend to age.

It's just so expected, you know?

What's wrong with you?
Looks like you just learned

the green lantern is gay
all over again.

The guys are right.

If Goldie's test is positive,
our lives are over.

Yes, David, it's just like
the schoolyard song.

Bryan
and David, sittin' in a tree

k-I-s-s-I-n-g.

First comes love,

then comes
the inability to marry,

then comes a stranger and
an invasive medical procedure,

then comes the baby
in the baby carriage.

It's just,
I went from med school

to my practice,
always so responsible.

I mean, when was the last time
we went to a bar and cut loose?

I don't know.
The night we met?

Excuse me?
Uh, is this seat taken?

It's for my date.

But I don't think he's coming.

I got stood up.

You dodged a bullet.

Anyone who'd stand you up
must be crazy.

Oh, my God, I
thought that, too,

but I thought I
was the only one.

You want to sit?

Oh.

I was supposed
to meet Lance bass.

Oh, I don't know him.

Closeted singer?
From n*sync? Got nothing?

Are you sure you're in the
right type of bar, sir?

Oh, uh, you see those guys
over there in the corner?

Yeah. Those are my boys.

Well, aren't you
the piggy eater.

Oh, no, they're not like me.

Us. Uh, we just graduated
med school today.

That's a lot of reading.

Well, I was out all day

celebrating
with their girlfriends,

so they wanted
to support me with my thing.

Oh.

Actually, I've never been
to one of these places before.

Real smoky.

Good God, no wonder you
keep those things sheathed.

They're the color of
Picasso's most overrated period,

or... or a box from Tiffany.

Can I...?

May I buy you another drink?

I'll leave right after,
I promise.

It's just, my-my friends
are really rooting for me,

and I don't want
to let them down.

Come on. Let's dance.

Huh? I don't really do that.

You've never danced with
a boy before, have you?

One that, you know, leads?

It's bananarama, sweetie.

We all do.

Okay, so it's a plan.

This week we are going out
just like we used to.

Or like we never did.

Yes. Before we fully morph into
an old lesbian couple. Mm.

Minus the frowns
and the gingerbread men bodies.

My first instinct was to never address
the couch issue.

Just to use my energy to
wish you nothing but the worst.

No friends at recess,

female pattern baldness

and a shampoo
without a single botanical.

But David said, "no, be direct."

So I decided to fire you.

Except you don't work for me
in any official capacity.

Do you know of any libra men?

I find them so reasonable.

In an attempt to practice
my parental skills,

I've decided to
use words instead.

You colored on my expensive
couch, and I am very upset.

What do you have to say for yourself?
I would never.

I have too much regard
for antiquities of all kinds.

Are you doing little Edie
from grey gardens?

Oh, what a clever judge
of character!

Obsessed with that documentary!

I wanted to be little Edie
for Halloween,

but my mother said I couldn't.

She said I could go
as one of the feral cats.

But joke's on my mom, though,
'cause boots was a lady cat.

Wait. Are you trying
to distract me?

'Cause you're still
in a lot of trouble, miss.

If you can't get
a man to propose,

then you might as well be dead.

Oh, I got another one.
Do it again.

If you can't get
a man to propose,

then you might as well be dead.

You just stay on the 405, and you
get off at sepulveda. Oh, okay.

Oh, looks like you two
worked it out. Well.

Come on, baby. Nana said
I could only use the car

until bill O'Reilly's done.

Time to go home.
No, I want to stay here.

I like it here too, Shania.

They don't use old mail

as coasters,
but it's not our home.

Let's go.

You can come back
and swim tomorrow.

Ryan and I are going dancing.

Which is why David
is dressed like

one of Madonna's boyfriends.

What? What's the matter
with this?

This is my young outfit.

Hmm. See ya.

Oh, mother darling, must we
go back to grey gardens?

I can't bear the stench

of dying dreams.

Why is she dressed like
a hasidic grandma?

How funny is Shania's
little Edie impression?

Yeah, who is little Edie?

I hate it when you pretend
not to know gay stuff

so you seem less gay.

But I don't know who that is.

See? That's exactly
what I'm talking about.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Feels late.

Ooh, 9:45.

Did we tape
say yes to the dress?

Season pass.
Love you.

Bry...

We're here to recapture our youth,

but no matter how fast
we chase after it...

We're never gonna catch it.

So why don't we stop chasing
and admit defeat.

Okay.

We're getting older.

You are.

And I've agreed to be

your youthful companion
until you wither and die.

You know what?

I don't care if
my life changes.

I want it to.

I want this baby.
I want this family.

I want it all.

And you know what?

I want it with you.

Mmm. Hey... you guys?

Young man, we are old
enough to be your fathers.

Are we cougars?

There's something else
I want, too.

The good news is...

Once we're tired
of using these as curtains,

we can take naps in them.

I know we've been going through
a lot of changes lately.

You, uh...

You want to talk
about what's going on?

Oh, no, mother darling.

All that oxygen to the teeth
promotes decay.

Shania...

Do you keep pretending
to be this "evie" person

because you think
it's not okay to be you?

I don't know.

Oh, hey.
Oh, hi.

Did you guys
get blood test results?

Is that why you're here?

No, no, no. Not yet.

Sorry to just drop in.

We'd say we were
in the neighborhood,

but you'd know we were lying.

Hey, Shania,
who's your little friend?

This is my pet raccoon Buster.

He thrives on p?t?.

Well, this place is like...

Shabby chic,
without all that pesky chic.

Mother's trying hard
to find a style.

It's truly astonishing
and abominable.

That's little Edie.
That's little Edie.

I thought you guys
were going out dancing.

Oh, no, we actually
cut out early

because we would like
to give you

a little bit of
a housewarming gift.

You guys didn't have to.

You've already been
so good to us.

Your housewarming gift is...

A new house!

They're in shock.

I think they're in shock.

It's our guest house.

It's got two bedrooms.

Full laundry.

With a cotton candy maker.

Well, yeah, what are we animals?

Well, Nana says yes,
but I don't think so.

Okay.

Someone is always home

so there's built-in
day care for Shania.

Plus...

It is rent-free.

So all of your money
will go to your dream

of law school.

It's the perfect solution.

Rust-free fixtures.

With divine gay
bric-a-brac.

No, I... don't get it.

What do you guys get out of it?

We don't want you to feel like
you're out here all on your own.

Can we stay, mom?
Please, can we?

my two lead characters
so I can start a Twitter riot.

You think your mom
will let you stay?

Hope so.

Done. Millions
of teen tears.

But what would little Edie
say? Wouldn't she say...

I hope the head on her shoulders

is attached to the rest
of her body.

She's not Kate Hepburn.

What's wrong with you?

Did something happen?

I started my new school
this week.

What's with the scarf?

Going through chemo?
Or just Muslim?

There's nothing worse than
dealing with a dogmatic female,

I'm sure.

Those kids don't get me at all.

I know. When I was a kid,
nobody got me, either.

Guys, guys!

I've painstakingly recreated

the entire carrington
mansion from dynasty

out of creamsicle sticks.
Check out the tiny

reflection pool, it's perfect
for vicious cat fights.

This might be
hard to believe, Shania,

but I didn't always fit in
like I do now.

I always felt different.
Just like you.

My Nana thinks I'm nuts,

and my mom thinks
I'm acting crazy

'cause of all
the changes going on,

but this has always
just been me.

Bryan, I'm a weirdo
and I don't want to be.

I just want to be normal.

What a stupid,
shortsighted wish.

You don't know this yet,
but the most unique

parts of you are also the ones
that will lead you to greatness.

And to a chalet in deer
valley with direct slope access.

How come you get me
but my own mom doesn't?

Your mom may not
totally get you,

but she lets you be who you are

and she loves you for it.

Don't be afraid
to be who you are, Shania.

'Cause you're spectacular.

Except when you lie.

Now, I need you to finally cop

to your act of
vandalism and apologize.

I didn't want
to be a tattletale,

but us special people
got to stick together.

Oh, she's back.
I wasn't the one

who colored on your couch,
but I know who did.

Damn, she's good.

She wanted to turn me
against kids,

so I'd get skittish
about this baby

and forget about
the whole thing.

Well, like it or not,
your Nana is special, too.

I mean, what the hell
else is she capable of?

I mean, really.

That was close.
No.

Clay, what are you doing here?

We need to talk.

Goldie, you... you look hot.

Oh...

But not hot-sweaty.
Come on, you got it, right?

Yeah.
No, don't.

Don't come any closer.
Babe, please...

Come on, I miss you.

I want us to be a family again.

It's all I want.
It's all I think about.

Say, "I want us
to be a family again."

Say, "it's all I want."

Say, "it's all I think about."

The "I" is me, right?

Say, "that being without you
has made me change."

Say, "it's made me want to grow
up." Say...

Look, I know I messed up
real bad, but...

I'll do anything.

Everything to make it right.

When you left, you took
a piece of my heart with you.

See, when you left, you...

You took a piece
of my heart with you, and...

I just, I can't
live without it.

But, um...

All the lying
and the other girls...

How am I ever supposed
to trust you again?

She's going to ask you

about trust.

Here's what you're gonna say.

"I'll do anything
to make you trust me.

"I'm not myself.

I'm a shell of a man..."

You are the stupidest person
alive.

I don't know.
I can't remember that one.

I want a divorce.

You want...
You want to dump me?

That's cool.

You know, I'm not ditching
Shania here.

A girl needs a real man
in her life.

Yeah, well, now she has two.

Yeah, yeah.

Shania, we have to get you white heels.

I cannot believe this.

I can't believe
I haven't seen us before.

This is the best part.

Hey, you guys.

Oh, hey, come,
come, come, come.

Uh, Shania,

I talked to your dad.
He's gonna spend

some time with you tomorrow.

My dad's coming to L.A.?

Yeah. Uh, but not here.

To our place.

So let's grab our stuff.
Let's go home.

This is home.

This is Bryan and David's home.

This is the life they earned.

Not us.

Yeah, but it would
really mean a lot to us

for you both to stay.

Um, I...

We can't.

I'm scared of getting
too comfortable.

But isn't that a good thing?

It's the worst.

The boy I married
was four inches shorter

than the husband I left.

I mean, we both
weren't done growing yet.

We lived with my Nana,

and we raised this
incredible daughter.

And that life felt safe,
even though it wasn't.

Maybe if I'd felt

less comfortable,

I wouldn't have wasted
so much time.

What about me?

What about what I need?

Come here, baby.

You...

You are an old soul, Shania,

but you're still just
my baby girl.

It's important you see me
as an independent woman,

so that, someday,
you can become one.

You're so lucky, Shania.

Your mom's one of
the special ones.

Like you and me.

And me.

Yes, like you.
Of course, like you.

Yeah.

Hello.

Uh-huh.

Are you sure?

You're sure.

Okay.

Thank you.

We are officially pregnant.

You know what that means...

Group hug!

Come on.

Come here.

Oh!