The New Normal (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Are you pushing it?

- Push it!
- I have fingers! It just goes, "Bing."

Is it "bing"
or "bing?"

Bing. Bing.
It's a bad bing.

Makes the sound of
terminal cancer,

or my mother pressing me
for an intimate lunch.

Got it.

Is this video thingy gonna work
now? 'Cause it's important.

You like these shoes?
You bought 'em

for my birthday last week.

Great. Now you can eat the
leaves at the top of the tree.



Half giraffe,
half drag queen, honey.

Hi. It's me, Bryan Collins.

But you won't know me as that.

You will know me as... Dad.

Maybe even Daddy.

Oh, God, I think I would just
die if you called me Daddy.

Um...

this video is to show you...

how desperately
you were wanted.

And how much we love you.

You're our baby.

We are just so excited
to meet you.

But I'm getting ahead
of myself here.

I should go back
to the beginning.



See, this fairytale began
in a faraway land called Ohio,

where four
very different people,

against all odds,
ended up becoming a family.

Would you look at that?

Just strutting down the middle

of Buck Eye Road
in broad daylight,

proud as gay peacocks.

- Why shouldn't they be, Nana?
- Don't call me that.

- I don't look old enough to be a grandmother.
- Great-grandmother.

I happen to love the gays.
I could never get my hair

- to look this good without 'em.
- Seems like they love each other, so...

Oh, and now with the PDA?

Those ass campers
have some nerve.

Nana, those are lesbians.

Those are ugly men.

Oh.

- What did you forget this time?
- My name tag.

- I need it for work.
- I don't understand.

You were always so pretty.

You're almost as
pretty as I was

at your age, and then you...

you got knocked up.

You pissed it all away.

You wasted your entire life.

Thanks for the pep talk, Nana.

You were a year older than me
when you had my mom.

I was married.
I thought

your mother was
a fibroid tumor.

By the time I figured it out,

she had a face,
and I was screwed.

So, if I actually plan
to have a baby someday,

that would be a family first?

I should have become a nun.

Say it.

The United States is the most
powerful country on Earth.

Yeah. Oh!

Oh! Goldie!

Baby, I... I can explain.

I was gone six minutes.

Six.

How is this even possible?

Was she hiding in the bushes
when I left?

Tool shed.

- Oh.
- Oh.

I buy it in bulk.

You'll need it for
his tighty whiteys.

Let's just say, the man's not

real detail-oriented
back there, so...

Oh, and, um... one last thing?

I've kind of given up
on my life.

I forgot to dream.

I forgot I want it all.

Every last drop, and this...

this was the last push I needed
to remember that, so thank you.

Congratulations.

He's all yours.

So, are you thinking
about joining

the Brownies this year?
Did I ever tell you

that I set my troop's record
for cookie sales?

In spite of that Mindy Goldfarb
trying to Jew down my customers.

Nana, you're a bigot.

I'm unfriending you right now.

I am extremely tolerant
to all peoples.

When they opened
that Chipotle here,

I was the first
of my friends to go.

And that is Spanish food.

Still unfriended.

Now why are you crying?

Did you just realize that
you were a grown woman

walking around in
public in an apron?

My whole life,
I've wanted to leave Clay,

and now I have the greatest
excuse in the world.

Oh, please. You caught him
singing Springsteen

on the toilet before.

Mmm, the man was on a date.

In my own bed.

What kind of closet space

are we talking about here?

I'm gonna need lots of room
for my wigs.

You're not moving in unless
you're real good at making food.

You, Hello Kitty, out.

Whoa. Hey.

- That is a toy, right?
- You know something, Clay?

I have put up with you
for the past nine years.

I've put up with your

ridiculous Fozzie Bear
impersonations,

with your self-diagnosed
narcolepsy.

No. That's real.
It's not just naps.

I can't think of anything else
to do except to kill you.

Now, unfortunately,
I couldn't live in prison

without my Lean Cuisine.

So I am open to other options.

I've always found you
to be really sexy, Nana.

Oh, put that gherkin away.

What's a gherkin?

A tiny pickle.

That's messed up.

Hey, baby?

You ever think
about going someplace amazing?

Somewhere you've never,
ever been before?

- Every single day.
- Like where?

I want to drive to Hawaii.

I think we can make it
to Honolulu on half a tank.

Pretty good for Tex,
and now he'll run with it...

Hey, babe.

Hey, no people food for Smelly.

Oh, he loves it.

I have to tell you something.

Got to wait
till halftime, sweetie.

Is that when Madonna sings?

Okay, so, I was shopping...

A question for you.

Are you sure I don't look
like Mary Tyler Moore in these?

Do you want to look
like Mary Tyler Moore?

Well, not the hair, obviously,

but yes, yes, I do.

Mmm. Here we go.
Five-yard line. Here we go.

- Money! Here we go!
- Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine.

Fine, fine, I will hurry it up,
but I was just trying

- to paint you a picture.
- Okay, what? Yes.

Oh, my God, that is the cutest
thing I have ever seen.

I must have it.

He is going to be a star...

Bry, we have to talk
about your dieting.

Honey, when I saw
that miniature person,

whose skin was
flawless, by the way,

I really got it.

I want us

to have baby clothes...

and a baby to wear them.

He's got the first down
and more!

Past the 45,
out of bounds at the 47...

Sweetie, you know you can't
return a baby to Barneys.

David... look,

you are the kindest man

I have ever had the pleasure
to love.

You would be an amazing father.

You would feed the child,

and bathe him and care for him
in the middle of the night

when he has rubella,
or anything else contagious.

- How do you know what rubella is?
- Little House On the Prairie.

Oh. What would you do?

- Me?
- Mmm.

I'm the fun dad.

Oh.

- I don't know.
- My dad screwed me up

pretty good. What do you think
two dads would do to a kid?

You really think it's such
a good idea to bring a kid

into the world with such
a nontraditional family?

I know somebody else
from a nontraditional family.

A Halfrican-American
who was raised by a grandma.

And that person seems
to be doing just fine.

Oh, yeah. Barack Obama.

No. Mariah Carey,
but your example works, too.

Look around.
Your definition

of traditional
might need a refresh.

Check her out.
She's old enough

to be their grandmother,
but she wanted them

so badly, she dusted off
her dinosaur eggs.

I was a whore for a long time.

I mean, I slept with everyone.

I acted like a kid
for too long.

Just wasn't ready to have one.

By the time I was ready,
I couldn't find the right man.

When I gave up looking for him,
I found me.

And then, with the help
of a lot of drugs, them.

Hey.

My husband's
regular-sized,

so there was a 50% chance

that my daughter would be a
part-time Christmas elf like me.

I told my husband,
we didn't have to have kids.

We didn't have to risk it.

My husband said
that he loves me,

so why wouldn't she be loved
in this world?

She's gonna be taller
than me this year.

Face it, honey.

Abnormal is the new normal.

So, thank you so much
for coming over to the house.

That's just one
of the many benefits

of being a Platinum Member
of Expanding Families.

- Oh.
- That,

And the stunning models
I put in your VIP egg file.

- Models.
- Real...?

One of our recent clients...
a very famous

designer who I'm wearing,

- but I can't reveal...
- Jessica Simpson.

Yeah, you're saying
I'm wearing mom jeans?

No, thank you.
No, this is a man.

- Oh.
- He wanted to make sure

That his egg donor
was not a fatty.

- Sure.
- We did a worldwide search, and I threw

Some of the sloppy seconds
your way.

All right, what-what...

what about the things
that matter,

like intelligence, or the
ability for cognitive thought?

Uh, something that would
give the kid a shot at being

head of the Mathletes,
like I was.

I would like

a skinny, blond child

who doesn't cry.

- Is this extra?
- It's impossible.

Not for our Platinum Members.

- I knew it.
- You can't be serious.

Here's how it works.

You click through
our egg donor files,

find your match,
create a perfect embryo,

and then implant it
in a surrogate.

She's just like
an Easy-Bake Oven,

except with no legal rights
to the cupcake.

Now, who's gonna be the bio dad?

- I am.
- I am.

Uh-oh.

I'm kind of nervous, babe.
This is a big deal.

We're picking the biological
mother of our child.

Oh, my God, we have 80 choices.

First up is...

100 pounds gone.
Just 100 pounds to go.

Bless.

I'm really into sci-fi,

but not the Green Goblin.

Obviously.

Trust me,
I recognize the irony.

Nine abortions, and here I am.

I like her.

Hi. My name is Abby.

People say I look a lot
like Gwyneth Paltrow...

- Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
- I got it! I got it! I got it!

Well, this is as far west
as we could go without driving

into the water. Oh.

- Mom?
- What?

What were your dreams

before you and Daddy
accidentally had me?

Uh, best accident ever.

You don't have to say that

every time.
I get it.

No one plans to have a kid
when they're 15.

Unless they're in
an extremist Christian cult.

Uh... well...

I wanted to be a lawyer.

An independent woman
who didn't need a man,

and wear these expensive suits,

like Julianna Margulies
in The Good Wife,

but without the
disgraced husband.

Based on the facts
of my compelling argument,

and use of big words, like ipso
facto, I respectfully request

you return a verdict
of not guilty as charged.

Yes!

Not guilty.
Whatever she says.

I agree. She's too good.
Case dismissed.

So, why can't
that still be your dream?

'Cause today my dream is...

is wishing
I didn't have to tell you

that the last three days
are all I can afford.

I can't do this by
myself, sweetheart.

I wish I could.

I'm sorry.

You don't ever have
to say that to me.

Say it to yourself.

Hi.

Oh, so you finally decided
to take my call.

What happened?
Did the police pick you up?

You called the police?

- You stole my car.
- I'm sorry, but does

- The washer-dryer unit come with the house?
- If it's not

On the flyer, no one knows.
Just make an offer.

You are a selfish,
spoiled child.

You're right.
I'm sorry. Thank you.

I had to ride the bus today...
the bus.

I was sitting
next to a man with no arms.

He was drinking a thermos
full of mushroom soup

with these little stublets
coming out of his shoulder.

It was like watching Flipper try
to drink a beer.

Why do I have to spend

my entire life making up

for everyone else's mistakes?

You don't.

Not anymore.

I keep staying with you,

thinking things will change
for me and Shania, but...

but the thing is, if-if I don't
change, nothing ever will.

We're not coming home, Nana.

Wait, what?

Isn't technology amazing?

We created fully formed embryos
with Gwyneth Paltrow's twin

and just popped 'em
into you to grow.

To you, Melissa,
our caring, nurturing surrogate.

Our little swimmers are
duking it out already.

May the best sperm win.

- Can't believe we could already be daddies.
- I know.

My God, my heart
is beating fast.

Feel that... that's not normal.

I just want to assure you guys

that I will do everything
in my power to take care

of myself and in turn be

a loving host
to your precious child.

Melissa, I just want
to let you know

that we will be here for you

during every step
of the pregnancy.

If there is anything
that you need,

please do not hesitate to ask.

Yeah, I can Skype at work.

Thank you.

You are so sweet.

I need a BMW.

- I'm sorry?
- I don't understand.

Let me help you.
Excuse me.

I'd like a gin and tonic.

Uh-oh, that's alcohol.

You can't drink
when you're pregnant.

I'll also have
the yellowtail carpaccio.

That's raw.
Uh, there are parasites.

You have to think of the baby.

- Anything else?
- Just an ashtray. Thank you.

You guys should think
of the good of your baby.

So, a powerboat and the world's

largest truffle by close
of business tomorrow

or... I light up,
you got it?

- This is uterine blackmail.
- It's a great idea, isn't it?

- Just give me the cigarettes.
- You're blackmailing us?

You guys are gross.

♪ Baby love, my baby love. ♪

Oh, babe, he has your nose.

We can have that fixed.

He's making that face
like he needs to go potty.

David, that's you.

- He just went.
- Well...

- Come here. Oh.
- Oh, yeah.

He looks like me
when I was a puppy.

It's Gary.

Yes.

Hi, Bryan, it's Gary Snyder,
Expanding Families.

How are you?

I just want to apologize again
for the incident that occurred

with your previous
surrogate choice.

We had no idea.

Celine Dion gave her
a great reference.

Well, we dropped the litigation

when we found out the womb
terrorist wasn't pregnant.

Well, we have a new surrogate,

and I am absolutely confident

she'd be perfect for your needs.

- Why don't you just come in and meet her?
- Please?

I'm great at being pregnant.

I had tons of energy
and no morning sickness.

Having Shania is the
most successful thing

I've done in my life so far.

- Any family history of cancer?
- No.

He's a doctor for lady bits.

- A gay-necologist.
- Good for you.

Syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia?

Not even HPV, and
you can throw a cat

and hit a girl with that.

Checks out beautifully.

So why, then, does a beautiful,
smart, seemingly sane person

want to gestate
someone else's child?

Well, $35,000 is a
huge chunk of money.

I need a way to change
my daughter's life.

I want to go to
law school someday.

And you have no problem
with doing this for two men?

No moral issue with that?

Oh, no, I requested
a gay couple.

I was driving, and I overheard
a deranged homeless woman

saying not so nice things

about a lesbian couple,
but all I could think was,

a family is a family.

And love is love.

Well, I just have one
more question for you.

- Uh-huh.
- Are you now or have you ever been

A secret operative
for the Republican Party?

We screened for that.

Okay.

- I love that Goldie.
- I don't know.

She reminds me of me

when I first came
to L.A. to make it.

I did like
that daughter of hers.

I'm less sold on her.

I want us to have a baby.

At some point, we just got
to move past the setbacks.

So, what's stopping you?

I don't know.

It's just sinking in
that babies have no teeth.

They're all gums.

I don't want our sperm
to be competitive.

I don't want our sperm

to do some crazy genetic race.

What are you talking about?

When did you make
this decision?

I have four masculine brothers
and one masculine sister.

You're an only child.

It's more important for
you to create something

that's yours biologically
to recognize.

Not being the baby's bio dad

doesn't make me
any less of a dad.

You'd do that for me?

No, for me.

We need more people like you
walking around in the world.

Plus, then I'll get to
lord it over you forever.

Thank you.

I love you.

I love you.

Now, go make me
macaroni and cheese

so we can get started
on my foot rub.

Okay.

Thank you.

Your embryos are ready
for implantation.

Now, as a doctor, David
has indicated he'd like

to witness the procedure if
that's okay with you, Goldie.

Sure. He'll be more
involved than the dad was

last time I got pregnant.

I'd love you to be
there, too, Bryan.

Oh, no, no, I faint
at the sight of vagina.

They're like tarantula faces.

Oh.
Can my daughter stay with me?

Oh, no, honey, don't you
worry about anything.

I'll watch
your little cutie here.

You just go get yourself
knocked up.

Me and Lady Pants
will chill out.

Do everything I wouldn't do.

These pants were
very expensive.

To me, they don't look
like that.

Any second thoughts?

I'm good.

How about you?

- Oh, me?
- Yeah.

I mean, having a baby
is a huge step.

Everything in your life
is gonna be covered

in poop, spit-up and drool.

It'll be a bit like living
with my soon-to-be-ex-husband.

Oh, my God, you're crying.

No, I'm not crying.

I haven't cried since
I got second place

in the sixth grade
science fair.

I'm always the guy that
everyone counts on.

I mean, when do I get
a chance to fall apart?

Well, now is a real good time.

At work I'm a rock,
and at home I'm a rock.

I'm like what
Simon and Garfunkel

would refer to as an island.

Are those the doctors
you work with?

Oh, my God.

You know, I've delivered

a thousand babies in my life,

and I don't think
I've ever held one

that's over four minutes old.

What if I'm not
ready to be a dad?

I became a mom
in a Rite Aid bathroom.

I had to borrow 25 cents
to get into the stall.

You're way ahead of the game.

David,

you are going to be
an amazing dad.

Excuse me. Someone's
here for you.

Claims not to be your nana.

How... how'd you find me?

I have been hot
on your trail for days.

This one led me
straight to you.

They're in Venice Beach,
California.

Twitter stamped their location.

You people are so darn
good with computers.

And thanks for helping
build the railroads.

Who cares how?

There is a giant

homosexual elephant
in the room.

Listen, ma'am,
I know it's a lot

to digest, but my partner and I

cannot have a child

the traditional way,

and Goldie here wants
to carry ours for us.

Oh, Bryan, I hauled my ass

all the way across town
to bring you these damn eggs.

Oh, no.

You are not growing
one of her kind of eggs

in my granddaughter.

Oh, no, sweetie,
these are poached.

What the hell you mean,
my kind of eggs?

The last time I checked,
this diamond-speckled watch

my gay boss bought me

without his consent,
it was 2012.

Now, why don't you take your
Callista Gingrich hairdo

and your racist mind
back to the past

or the South where they belong?

Guys, you know this whole thing

just went live streaming
on Twitter?

Nana, I want to
help this family.

I feel like I just ate
a black and gay stew

right before I fell asleep.

- This is a nightmare.
- No,

This ain't a nightmare,
but I'm gonna

pinch you real
good to make sure.

Goldie, have you lost
your damn mind?

What are you doing, helping
these salami-smokers?

- Wow.
- That's a good one. That's new.

It is so wrong,
and have you even thought

about what kind of message
you are sending your daughter?

That you can be
whatever you want to be

no matter how many people
tell you that you're nothing.

It is not normal.

The baby I want to carry for
David and Bryan will have

two loving parents who
desperately want a child.

Who are you to say
that's not normal?

Because I lived it.

Okay, here goes.

Your grandfather had a friend
who worked for him

at the pet store for many years.

Uncle Leon, with
all the puffy hair?

I never could stand

going into that store.

That Leon gave every hamster

in the store some queer name
from a Broadway musical.

He was always like,

"Rum Tum Tugger was chewing
on Auntie Mame's tail."

- What the hell is she talking about?
- One day,

My old Chrysler leaked oil
all over my driveway,

so I had to go down
to the pet store and get a bag

of kitty litter to soak it up.

I walked through the back door,
and I saw them together.

Oh, Nana.

Leon stood there
with his private parts dangling

for all the parakeets
to laugh at.

Am I being punked?

That man didn't love me.

- That man loved a man.
- So, what did you do?

I stayed with him
for ten more years,

and I helped him build
his Beanie Baby collection.

Now, Goldie,
I am begging you, please,

let's just go get Goggles

and get back in the car
and go home.

I'm sorry, Nana.

We're staying.

I need to help these
guys... and myself.

Goldie's mama ran away
and ditched her with me

when she was just
eight years old.

Three generations
of babies raising babies.

Earlier, when you referred

to the homosexual elephant
in the room,

you were talking
about David, right?

Okay, we are here waiting
to find out if we made you.

I'm so excited,
I haven't eaten in two days.

Thanks to you,
I'm wearing my skinny jeans.

Does it say anything yet?

Remember,
one line... not pregnant,

two lines... pregnant.

I just peed. I'm waiting.

Say something
to the baby, Daddy David.

- What, what, what...?
- Come on.

We don't know anything yet.

And there's the lady
who made you possible.

Hi. This is the longest
three minutes of my life.

Oh, now's the perfect time
for the thing.

- Oh, the thing.
- Get the thing.

One second.

What?

Yes, come here.

Guys.

It's your lawyer suit.
I helped pick it.

And then I re-picked it

with far fewer feathers
and bangles.

We want to help make
your dreams come true.

'Cause you're helping us
with ours.

But what if it doesn't work?

What if that stick
says I'm not pregnant?

Honey, it doesn't matter
what it says.

This whole thing only started
feeling real after we met you.

You gave us...

You gave me hope.

Now I know how to be a dad.

The only question is: when?

Now, what the hell
does that stick say?