The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 9 - I Love Woo, I Hate You - full transcript

Okay, so, sweetie,
listen.

It's a three-day
camping trip. Are you scared?

no.
Good. 'cause you shouldn't be scared,

'cause there hasn't been
a bear sighting there in like two years.

What?

No, you should be more worried
about kids teasing you

and stealing your underwear.
What?!

Go, go, go, go.
Have fun.

run.

Oh, god.

I hope the kids don't tease him
'cause he's not cool enough.



Are you kidding? He has a vaudeville
suitcase.

Hey, don't make fun
of that suitcase.

You know, they smuggled my grandmother
out of eastern europe in that thing.

We're not a tall people.

But we're
extremely flexible.

It's just so sad.

The divorce, the
desperation, the hair.

And that suitcase.

I think they're talking
about me.

And she always thinks
we're talking about her.

Why on earth would we talk about her?
With that shirt.

And that suitcase.

You know, I am standing right here.
I can hear you.

Just let it go. Be the bigger person.
I can't be the bigger person.



I did not think so.

If you have something to say to me,
you can say it to my face.

You're divorced,
desperate...

And your son
has a ridiculous suitcase.

Yeah. Hey. Her tiny grandmother
lives in that suitcase.

We're just concerned,
christine.

I mean, if it weren't bad enough
that you're divorced, now the only person

who cares about you is going
to be gone for a few days.

Where is the guy
at the liquor store going?

It's not like I'm the only divorced
person at this school.

No, but you're the
most divorced.

I don't even know
what that means.

Yes, I do.

Okay. Let me just tell you something.

Yes, I'm divorced. Okay,

my marriage wasn't good.
Not for me, not for richard,

not for my kid.

The only one it was good for
was the guy at the liquor store.

And yes, it would have
been easier to stay,

but I did not take the easy way,

and I am reaping the rewards.

I live by my own rules.

No compromises, no in-laws.

I don't have to erase the lady porn

history on my computer.

You think that I am sad?
I am happier than I have ever been.

What was that?
What was what?

S05E09
"I Love Woo, I Hate Who"

hey.

Hey, barb!
Long time, no see.

Why are you yelling at me?

I'm sorry. You're the first person
I've talked to in 24 hours.

I'm not good alone.

I think I'm addicted
to lady porn.

Oh, can I borrow
your credit card?

You may not.

I'm getting you out of the house.
You're going on a date with me tonight.

Oh, wow. Barb,

that is exactly how
the lady porn started

Stop it.
Okay.

I have a date with dave,
and I need you to go with me.

He said he wanted to talk to me.
I think he's going to propose.

Oh, that is so exciting.
One question:

who is dave?

Do you ever
listen to me?

Dave, the guy I've been dating
for the last two months.

Oh, right, the pilot.
Immigration officer.

With the crew cut.
Bald.

The basketball coach.
Immigration officer!

Damn it, christine.

Dave!
Yes, dave. Yes, the black guy.

Now you're
just guessing.

God, why don't you want him
to propose? You guys are great together.

Shut up

We are great together. That's why
I don't want him to propose.

I was thinking about what you
said about choosing happiness.

I'm happy now. I don't want to ruin that.

I like the way things are.
Marriage ruins everything.

I don't know
if that's true.

Exhibit a.
Exhibit b.

Exhibit c.

Hey, why am I
two exhibits?

I know why.

I'm hoping,
when a little time passes,

he'll see how great what we have is
and not be in such a hurry to change it.

Okay.

Me, you, him on a date.

Got it.

All you're doing is keeping him
from being alone with me.

Okay, got it.

Hey, wait a minute.
Let me just ask you one thing.

His name is dave.
He's an immigration officer.

Got it.

What are you doing?
New christine's going
to be here any minute.

You're eating
our hors d'oeuvres.

Wow, you're really
going all out.

I don't have to go all out.
She's pregnant with my baby.

My work is done.

Your work's not
quite done. How about a shower?

No need.

We're at that stage where we're
completely comfortable with each other.

Really? Is anyone
that comfortable?

Because you smell
like a tire fire.

It's open!

Oh, for god's sake.

Hi, matthew.
Aw, look at you. You're all dressed up.

And clean.

You smell like soap.

Well, yeah, richard and I have a date.
It's like we're making a fresh start.

What's that smell?
That's your fresh start.

Richard, did you
forget we had a date?

No. I remembered.

What is that smell? Have you been
killing vampires in here?

I didn't think
I had to shower

if we're just going
to hang out here.

Richard, this is supposed to be a date.
It is a date.

I fully intend
to sleep with you tonight.

I want to go out in public

with someone who gives a crap,
not smells like it.

And, if you're not up for that,
I have got plenty of other offers.

Oh, come on.

Who would date you?
You're pregnant.

Richard, you have two hours.

If you haven't planned
something special

that shows me
i'm important to you,

I will call one of the many, many men
who are interested in me and get it from them.

Are... Are you serious?

I want romance. I want to be wooed.

I can woo. I'll woo you
right now.

Richard, I swear to god,
if you grab my boobs

and go, "woo, woo," I'm
walking out of here forever.

I wasn't going
to do that.

hey. How's my makeup?

A lot.

Why are you so dressed up?

Well, I haven't been out on
a date in a long time.

This is not your date.

You're only here to keep dave
from popping the question.

Well, if it's not a date,
then why am I not wearing underwear?

I'm taking your computer.

Ooh. Cute guy. Look it-- he's
headed this way.

That's dave.

Hey, barb.

Why did you want to meet here?
I would have picked you up at your house.

Oh, I had to pick
christine up anyway.

You-you remember christine.
Oh, so nice to finally meet you.

We've met many times.
I've been to your house.

Oh, of course. Black, bald dave.

What?

Listen, I... I thought
it was going to be just us.

Kind of wanted to talk to you.

Christine's going through
a rough time right now.

Her kid is gone, and...And she's going
through a divorce.

Oh. When did you get divorced?
Six years ago.

But I am a very, um,
slow healer.

Your table is ready.

Well, uh, this isn't exactly
what I had in mind.

You won't even know
that I am here.

Is new christine
still here?

No. She left.

Really? I thought
I heard a woman crying.

That was me.

New christine
is dating many, many men,

and she expects me to participate
in some kind of romance competition.

Dude, I don't romance.

What do you do?
I get them into bed.

The faster, the better.
That's where I really shine.

Really? Wow. I... I'm just the opposite.

I... I've always been great
at romance and charm,

but then I sort of lose my way
in the bedroom.

Lose your way?

It's a one-way street
to a predesignated location

with no wrong turns
and only on-ramps.

I don't know. It...
Sometimes, it's a little awkward for me.

Um, I have difficulties
with certain maneuvers.

Maneuvers?

There's just one, right?

I am, uh... I'm lacking
upper body strength.

Um, I-I have trouble holding up my weight
for long periods of time.

Oh, god, god!
Why are you telling me this?

What? I thought
we were sharing.

Guys don't talk
like this.

Guys say they're good in bed
no matter what.

And if you're not,
you buy a nice car.

I can't afford a nice car.

Then compensate. Then compensate.

Get a tattoo.
Speak with an irish accent.

All right, I get it.
You don't want to talk about it.

Of course not. I'm a guy.

The last thing I want
to hear about is your maneuvers.

Now, come on.
I need help.

I've got an hour and 20
minutes to woo christine.

It's not that hard.
What does christine like?

I think she likes guacamole.

No, wait. I like guacamole.

Hey, do we have any guacamole?
My god,

how good are you in bed?

I'm $24,000 in debt,
I have a ten-year-old truck

and a 30-year-old girlfriend.
What do you think?

I think you and I
have nothing in common.

Come on. Tell me what she
means

by romance.
Well, just make her feel special.

Just show new christine
that you took a long time to consider

what she wanted.

Be a lot easier
just to get her in bed.

That's where I shine.
So you said.

Wow, everything looks so good.

Not everything.

Dave, can I borrow your napkin?

I'm sorry.

It's hard to sit ladylike
on a bar stool.

You know, I-I kind of... Kind of had a
whole thing planned for tonight.

Yeah, I-I know.
This isn't easy for me, either.

I've seen some things.

God, you guys
are so cute together.

You would make
such pretty babies.

Babies? Who's talking about babies?
Nobody's talking about babies.

I'm talking about babies.

Hey, so, dave, do you
want kids? Okay, you know,

I- I wasn't planning on having an
audience for this, but since you're here,

I guess I'll just say what I have
to say.

Barb, uh, we've been dating
for two months now.

Oh, my god!
Oh, my god, oh, my god!

I have to go to the bathroom. Now? No,
no. Dave was just about to ask you something.

Right now.
Oh, this is so exciting.

What are you doing? You're supposed to
run interference.

But I don't understand why.
He's fantastic.

He's charming,
he's handsome, he's smart.

I mean, I really... I don't understand
what you're freaking out about.

I'm freaking out because
I don't want to get married.

I've been married.
I'm not the marrying type.

Yeah. Me, neither.
I mean, divorce is great.

I'm having a good time.

What is that?

What is what?

Look, just help me out.
Well, barb, just tell him how you feel.

Well, you know me-- I'm not
good with confrontation.

You're not good
with confrontation?

That's what I said.
You got a problem with that?

No. No. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to imply
you were good with confrontation.

Look, if he
proposes to me,

i'm going to have to break up with him,
and that's not what I want.

The problem is, he
thinks I'm perfect.

Ha. He thinks you're perfect?
Yeah, he does. You got a problem with that?

No, no. I'm sorry.
I- I didn't mean to imply

you weren't, um, perfect.

So-so, what do you
want me to do?

I want you to go out there
and talk me down a little.

Get the stars
out of his eyes.

See if you could think of
something wrong with me.

Okay. No, no. I'll, I'll see
if I can think of-of something.

barb will be
here in a minute.

Uh, she's, uh...

She's doing number two.

I didn't need to know that.

You know, there are a few things
about barb that you don't know.

I mean, she's loud
and short and mouthy.

She's not perfect.
You don't have to tell me.

I hate her.

Uh, what?
Yeah.

I've been trying for two weeks
to break up with her,

but I can't get her alone.
Break up with her? Why?

She's perfect.
She's loud and short and mouthy.

She's the greatest friend.

And-and actually, I was lying before.
She's only doing number one.

Oh, barb. Barb.

oh, you can't break up with barb.
Give her another chance.

She really likes you.
But I hate her.

Okay, I know she doesn't seem like it,
but barb is really sensitive,

and she would be so crushed
if you broke up with her.

She's sensitive?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

on the inside. You know, deep down,
you know, where you can't see.

Like, you need one of those
special submarines

to get to it, where all those blind fish live.

I get it, but I can't stand
to be with her for another minute.

She's mean. I'm serious.
She scares me.

Yeah, I know.
She scares me, too.

She's bossy and stubborn

and-and inflexible and uncouth.

Well, so what? I'm all those things, too.
I know. I hate you, too.

What?! What? How can you hate me?

You just met me.

If you're gonna break up
with barb,

can-can you at least do it
in a way that doesn't hurt her feelings?

How?
Well, I don't know. You're a pilot.

Tell her they've changed
your hub or something.

No, no. I've had it.
I'm doing this tonight.

I'm going to go get her out
of the bathroom. Wait, wait.

Propose to her.
Propose?

Are you insane?
No, no, no, no.

She's really skittish
about marriage right now,

and she said that if you proposed to her,
she would break up with you.

It's... It... Be decent about this.
I mean, it'll still be hard for her,

but at least she'll be able
to make the decision,

and you'd be doing a nice thing
for a nice person.

who?

Barb!

Wow. This place looks great.

And it no longer smells
like a sea lion colony.

Yeah. Turns out that smell was me.
Yeah, I know.

There were cats scratching
at our door.

And I remembered
what christine likes.

Breakfast for dinner

and daisies and vanilla-scented candles.

Well, it is very
romantic, and I don't mean to share,

but I have decided to increase
my upper body strength.

I just went to the gym,
and I did 50 push-ups.

Dude, congratulations!
Oh, I can't do that.

I may never do that again.
My arms are useless.

Damn it. That's her.

Would you light this last candle for me?
I need you to listen to me.

I can't move my arms. I had to leave
my car at the gym.

Ah, I can't deal with that right now.
Uh, I'm gonna need you to get out of here.

Fine, I'll get out of your way.
I'll be in my room.

Oh, hey, could you just throw
me a water, please? Huh? Sure.

Nope.

Thanks.

I may need you to prove your friendship
later when I go the bathroom later.

Hello.

I'm so happy
you're here. Come in.

Richard, it looks beautiful.

It's all for you.

You cooked?
Yes,

and I hope you're hungry.

It's breakfast for dinner.
oh. My favorite! Eggs!

Oh. And are those
vanilla-scented candles?

And everything
smells so clean!

Wh-what's,
what's happening?

I'm just a little bit
sensitive since the pregnancy. Sometimes

strong smells
mixed together...

Oh, is that bacon? Yummy.

Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm making you sick.
I was trying to romance you.

Here, I'll get rid
of the smells.

We don't have to eat.
We don't have to eat at all.

We can just talk. About you.

And how beautiful you are.
My angel, my reason for living.

Where's christine?
Oh, I sent her to the bar.

You don't send a woman with no underwear
and that much makeup to the bar.

She's probably on a freighter
to thailand by now.

Sit down, barb,
I want to ask you something.

Listen, dave...
Will you marry me?

Look, dave,

we've had a great time
these past few weeks.

You're a gentleman,
you're smart, you're not afraid of me.

And we would make beautiful babies
together. - Yeah.

Aw, hell, why not?
I will marry you.

What?
Wait, what?

Hey, everybody,
drinks are on us. We're getting married.

Oh, richard, I'm so sorry.

You went to all this trouble to make
this the perfect evening and I ruined it.

Christine, i'm sorry.
I took you for granted.

I should have treated you special
from the first day we met.

It's not too much to ask that I do
everything I can to make you happy

and not just in the bedroom.
Although that's where you really shine.

Thank you, sweetie.

I'm sorry I put you
through all of this.

I had it in my mind that I wanted to get
back at you for lying to me about your vasectomy.

Well, I guess now we're even.

I can't believe how
sweet you're being.

I mean, I know how much you
hate being around sick people.

Yeah, I'm not great with it.

Not great with it? I remember one time,
ritchie got sick in the back of your car,

and you threw up out the window.
We don't have to talk about it.

But here you were, holding back my hair
while I vomited

and vomited and vomited.
Well, I love you.

I thought it would never end. I mean,
I don't even remember eating some of that stuff.

What was that big thing?
It looked like it had a tail.

The worst part was when it started coming out my nose.
Remember when a little bit of it got on your lip?

Now we're even.

Christine,
I know you're in here.

I can see your shoes.
uh, I'm doing number two.

Well, you're facing
the wrong way.

I- I hear
congratulations are in order.

I'm gonna kill you.
Okay, okay, just listen.

I know barb. Okay, she just got
carried away in the moment,

but she'll come to her senses,
and she will dump you.

So what am I supposed to do,

just play along until that happens?
yes. You have to trust me on this.

I know my friend. She does not want
to get married.

And that, kids,
is how I met your mother.