The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 8 - Love Means Never Having to Say You're Crazy - full transcript

Hey.
Hey.

What are you doing? I'm busy.

I've decided I'm ready
to start dating again.

Forget it, richard.
You had your chance with me.

Not you. Someone else.

All right, fine,
I'll go out with you.

No. I realized

It's never going to happen
with new christine.

Last time we made love,
I looked into her eyes

And saw that she had
absolutely no feelings for me.

Ah, that's so sad.



I know. I couldn't take it.

I had to turn her over.

Oh, gross!

God, is that
why you came over here,

To put that image in my head?

No, that's only 20
percent of the reason.

I want you to fix me
up with someone.
Oh, forget it.

Find your own dates.

Come on. If you set me up,
I'll find a date for you.

I don't need it. I already have
kind of a boyfriend.

He's your therapist,
he's not your boyfriend.

You know what,
you are always so negative.

"he's your college professor,
not your boyfriend."

"he's your uncle,
not your boyfriend."



I think it might be healthy
for you to go out with someone

Who's not treating you
or related to you.

Or, in the case
of your uncle, both.

All right, but if we're

Going to do this,
we have to do this right.

We have to be specific

About what we're
looking for, okay?

So what are you
looking for?

Hot.
Oh, god.

You are so shallow.
What are you looking for?

Rich.

What are you doing?

I'm moving some of my stuff
over to the apartment.

Hey, what was my nose hair
trimmer doing in your bathroom?

Oh. That's for your nose?

Hey, guess what?

We're setting
each other up on dates.

Hey, guess what?
That's a really stupid idea.

It makes perfect sense.

No one knows each other
better than we do.

Yeah, it's true.
I mean, we're so close

We practically finish
each other's...
Sandwiches.

Not "sandwiches,"
"sentences."

Did you finish my sandwich?

I thought you were done with it.

No, you idiot!

I can see
where this is going.

You two nuts are
going to end up together.

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Richard, this is possibly

The most evolved thing
we have ever done.

Setting each other up on dates.
I mean, if we had done this

When we were married,
we'd still be together.

Yep.

Oh! One of them's here.

Oh! How do I look?

Old. How do I look?

Bald. Let's do this.

Hey, tracey. Come on in.

Tracey, this is richard.
Hey, nice to meet you.

You were wrong.
He's cute.

Nice to meet you, too, tracey.

Uh, christine, may I speak
to you for a second?

Of course. Yeah, just...

One second.
One second.

She's awesome!

Thank you so much!

Oh, sure.

That must be your guy.

Oh, my guy!

Christine, you remember tom.

Oh, I sure do.

So sorry I'm late,
but when I left

The flower shop,
I was followed

To my car by a...
By a swarm of bees.

And I got stung
and I'm allergic.

And my, well, my throat,
uh, it closed up, and...

Well, the paramedics said I was
about 30 seconds away

From death.

If memory serves correctly,
the lady likes begonias.

Uh, well, those are hydrangeas.

And it's actually lilies, but...

Thank you.

Oh, it's okay.
It's no big deal.

At least I, I got to see

My dead grandma
for a few moments.

Yeah. Uh, richard, could I talk
to you just for a quick sec?

Yeah. One sec.
Okay.

Are you freaking kidding me?

I've already been out
with this guy twice.

We have zero chemistry.

I got you a model
with a tramp stamp

That says, "you're welcome""

And you get me that?!

Come on. You didn't even try.
I asked

Over two dozen guys.

I put signs up at all
my construction sites.

I even opened an eharmony
account for you

And I got one nudge.

From a cannibal in germany.

And even he wanted
to see another picture.

Tom was my only option.

Well, did you keep the
number of the cannibal?

Hey, is anyone else hungry?

I'm starving.
I hope you like italian.

I made reservations at the best
restaurant on the west side.

Oh, il finelli?
Il finelli.

Hey, you know what?
I just started the zone diet,

So I brought my own food.

You know, and, uh, I'm trying
really hard not to be a bad boy,

So if, if I reach
for your dessert,

Promise you'll slap my hand.

Yeah, I can guarantee you that.

I hope you guys don't
mind if I just dig in.

You know, 'cause that adrenaline
shot that the paramedics gave me

Left me a little light-headed.

Well, thank god they got
to you in time.

So christine tells me
you're a model.

No, I'm not a model.

I just model a line of
pilates clothes I designed.

Love pilates.

It's given me a really
strong pelvic floor.

Well...

I'm a contractor,
so if I ever remodel a pelvis,

I'll get the name of the guy
who did your pelvic floor.

You know, I think there
is nothing more sexy

Than a guy with a good
sense of humor.

That and nice arms.

Well, I don't know
about the last part.

Christine, you're wrong.

I don't think he's
a dumb-ass at all.

You're wrong.

I'm going to go use
the ladies' room.

Richard, could you
show me where it is?

Yup.

I'm not sure, but I
think they like each other.

Christine, could you show me
the way to the men's room?

Okay, look, tom.

Uh, I'm going to say
this in the nicest way

That I know how.

I am not attracted
to you in any way,

Either physically
or emotionally.

And my goal tonight is
to get through this dinner

Without stabbing
richard in the heart

For setting me up with you.

That was the nicest way
you know how?

You know, I'm not trying
to be mean, but I mean,

We tried this before
and it didn't work.

I don't want to
waste your time.

It's not a waste
of my time.

I love being around you.
Why?

I think you're wonderful
and we'd be good together.

Yeah, but I don't find
you attractive at all,

Either physically or...

You mentioned that
already, yes.

I know, but it's fine.

I am, I am attracted to you
enough for both of us.

Yeah, and I would never,
under any circumstances,
have sex with you.

Well, then I will have sex
with me enough for both of us.

Look, I...

The thing is, I have plenty
of time and plenty of money,

But I don't have
anyone to share it with.

And I, I just want you
to be that person.

And all you have to do
in return is just let
me take care of you.

Well, tom, I'm...
I'm very flattered,

But I'm a feminist.

And the one thing I pride
myself on is my independence.

That and my cleavage.

Well, this isn't
the shirt to show it off,

But I actually have quite
fine cleavage as well.

I forgot you're
kind of funny.

Well, kind of funny's
kind of nice, right?

So, what do you say?

Well, you're going to
have to give me a minute.

I mean, I can't just
jump into a relationship

Before I've even
ordered dinner.

So, this is the ladies' room.

I always wondered
what went on in...

Here.

Oh, my god! I...

Oh, I've been robbed!

Oh, my furniture!

Oh, my tivo!

Oh, ritchie! Ritchie!

Ritchie!

Calm down. Come on.

He's sleeping.
He's sleeping.

Were you here?

Oh, did they violate you?

I, I told you I was taking
the rest of my stuff

Over to the apartment.

What?! What are you

Talking about?

All that stuff
wasn't yours.

Yes, it was.
When I moved in
here, all you had

Was a beanbag chair
and a card table.

It looked like crap.

In fact, it looked
like this.

This is unbelievable.

I have accumulated nothing
in my 35 years on this planet.

What planet were you on
for the other 35 years?

Shut up!

You took my bed?

No, it was my bed,

But I left the pillows.

Too many tear stains on them.

I brought ritchie's old
bed in from the garage.

You know what's pathetic?

That I don't flinch anymore
when you hand me your bra?

I had an offer tonight
from richard's friend, tom,

To take care of me,
and I said no.

And you know why
I think I said no? Pride.

Oh, keep thinking.

I mean, I don't know.

Maybe I should've said yes,
but there's just no spark.

Spark is overrated.

You and richard had spark.

It turned into a wildfire
that consumed

Four lives and blackened
12 years of marriage.

Why don't you start
acting like an adult?

Why? What do adults do?

They're practical.

They-they value things
like companionship

Over physical attraction.

Well, tom is kind of funny

And he, he makes
a decent living,

And has decent breath, and...

I mean, can I really date a guy

With the exact same
shoe size as me?

Uncle john had your same
last name, and you dated him.

Yeah, you know what?

I'm going to do it.
I mean, if tom wants

To take care of me,
I'm going to let him.

I'm too pretty to be
working this hard.

Hey.
Hey.

You would not believe
the night I had.

That tracey is an animal.

It was like a prison movie.

We did things
that kill celebrities.

Yeah, well, you're not
the only one who had fun.

Tom and I really connected, too.

What?

I thought you hated him.

Why would you think that?

You said, "i hate him."

Yeah, but then I realized
it's time to grow up

And get into a healthy
relationship.

Oh, hey, richard.
Hey, tom.

I'm glad, and fairly shocked,
to see this working out.

Me, too.

So, I got your
flat-screen set up.

I figure we can wait
a little while,

See if you really need
the surround sound.

And, uh, let me know
what you think

Of the new linens
I put on the bed.

So you need anything else?

No thanks.

All right.

Well, then, I need to get
over and make sure that

The furniture delivery guys
have the correct address.

So I will see you later,
sweetie.

Okay.

Good-bye...

Baby.

You guys are hot together.

You can barely stand to see me
in an adult relationship,

Can you?
No.

I can barely stand,

Because I got to eighth base
last night.

Hey, mom.
Hey, dad.

Hey, darling.
Hey, pal.

Hey. I hope it's okay
that I picked ritchie up.

I really missed him,

And christine said
it would be all right.

No, it's great.
It's nice to see you.

How have you been?
Really great.

You look really great.

I am. Are you really great?

You look really great.

I have a boyfriend, so...

I miss new christine.

Me, too.

Well, it was nice seeing
you all again.

Richard, you look great.

You look great.

Okay, yeah.

We got it. Yeah.

See ya. Bye.

She looks great.

Okay, ritchie,

Go on upstairs, go.

I still love her.

I'm going to have to
break it off with tracey.

I guess getting set up
was not such a great idea.

Well, speak for yourself.

I think tom might be the one.

Hey, sorry to bother you,
but I stepped in a puddle

And I'm late for a meeting.

Can I borrow a pair
of your sneakers?

Hey, what are you doing?

Just watching my new tv.

Man, you do not want to watch
the surgery channel in hi-def.

Or desperate housewives.

Yikes.

I came by to see
if you need anything,

But it looks like
you're all set.

Yep. My boyfriend
got me all this stuff.

Oh, so tom's your
boyfriend now?

Yep. He got me new furniture,

New tv, a whole case of wine.

And I don't have to do jack.

Wait, christine, do you really
want to be the type of person

Who only takes and gives
absolutely nothing in return?

Matthew, you're the one
who told me to go out with him.

No, I told you to try having
an adult relationship,

Not to use someone
just for the things he buys you.

Wow, now you're making me
feel bad.

Could you grab me

A champagne split
from my new wine fridge?

No, no, what
you're doing is

Completely immoral.
Tom is a person, he's a man.

Oh, boy. I know what I'm going
to have to do for tom.

I'm going to
have to throw him one.

Throw him one what?

One of these.

I'm going to have to throw you
one of the pancakes

I had for breakfast.

Matthew, I'm a feminist.

Wait, so you don't want to be
the type of person

Who takes things for nothing,
but you'll be the type of person

Who takes things
in exchange for sex?

Yeah.

What part of "feminist"
do you not understand?

I have to tell you,

This is my new
favorite restaurant.

They should mention that
bathroom in the zagat guide.

Um, yeah.

Listen, uh, tracey,
we need to talk.

Uh-oh. Is it about
the other night?

Was I too wild? I'm sorry,
I just get really passionate.

Uh, no, no.
No, the other night was great.

I mean, I don't think
I'll ever look at an egg

The same way, but...

Anyway, uh, remember I told you
I had a fiancée,

And how I was over her?

Well, I saw her yesterday,

And it turns out
I'm not over her.

So even though I like you a lot,

I don't feel like it's fair
to me or to you

If I don't pursue
those feelings.

Does that make sense?

Absolutely.

Well, good.

I'm glad you understand
why we have to break up.

Oh, we're not breaking up.

Excuse me?

We knew each other carnally.

If we break up, we're going
against the bible.

Are you kidding me?

What you did to me went against
the laws of gravity,

Common decency
and the texas constitution.

I'm sorry, richard.

I don't accept your breakup.

Are you messing with me,
or are you crazy?

I'm not crazy.

What's crazy is telling someone
you love them

And then breaking up
with them two days later.

That's crazy.

I never said I loved you.

Your eyes did!

So, uh, tom,

I wanted to talk
to you about something.

Um, I think it's time
that you and I

Physicalized our relationship.

Let's...

Make... Love.

Sex? With me, really?

I thought, I thought you
didn't want to...

Ever... Under any circumstances.

Well, I mean, it's just that if

We're going to be in a
relationship, it can't just be

You giving me
things, so, uh...

Let's... Get it on.

Wow, I just...

I really wish I hadn't had
such a big brunch.

It's kind of bright in here.

You know, I, I don't...
Right now, I don't have

The kind of body that looks
so good in the light.

Oh, I don't care.

Come on. I want it.

Oh, well, it's a...
A little fast for me.

Oh, come on.
Take me, big boy.

Oh, please don't
call me "big boy."

I'm down to, like,
1,200 calories a day.

Okay, less talk, more sex.

Okay, let's go, seriously.

I don't have all day.
Hmm! Hmm!

Stop. Stop. Stop.

No, no, no, no,
stop, stop, stop.
What?

What's wrong?
You know what?

I don't want to do this.
You know, this is...

Nothing about this
is a turn-on for me.

You know, I, I'm
going to say this

In the nicest way
that I know how.

The thought of having sex
with you is repulsive.

How dare you?!

I-I'm throwing you one.

You know, I, I want
to go home, okay?
What?

No, tom!

Tom, don't leave.

Come on...
Give me another chance!

Make love to me!

Christine, I am full
of eggs benedict

And I really need to leave.

All right. Fine, leave!

You're not the
first person

To refuse sex,
and you won't be the last!

New mailman?

Shut up, richard. Okay?

God! I just got dumped.

And I'm sad and upset

Because I think I might
lose my wine fridge.

Yeah, well,

I've got a real problem
and it's your fault.

That girl you set me up with
is a psychopath.

Oh, yeah, I can see that.

What do you mean
you can see that?

You knowingly set me up
with a crazy?

Richard, your sole criteria
was that she was hot.

And crazy goes with hot
100% of the time.

Why do I always forget that?

I tried breaking up with her,
it wouldn't stick.

I think she might
be following me over here.

I don't know what to do.

You're going to do
what I have to do:

Grow up.

We are adults, okay?

We have to start
acting that way.

ooh, that's her!

Get down!

Oh, my god.

They finally
killed each other.

No. Christine set me up
with a psychopath.

I think she might be
stalking me.

Was she hot?

What do you think?

Richard, what are
you doing here?

You said you were putting
money in the meter?

And who the hell is she?

Uh, this is my ex-fiancée.

Christine, this is the
psychopath I was talking about.

Nice to meet you.

Listen, I don't know what
your plans are with richard,

But you better back off,
because he's mine.

Do I make myself clear?

I think so.

You're asking me
to stay clear of a man

Who I invested the prime years
of my life in.

A man who I agreed to marry,
despite the objections

Of friends and family who said
that he was too old

Or not serious enough
or too dumb.

A man who I
loved so deeply

That I was willing
to humiliate myself

In front of all
of the people dear to me

By leaving him at the altar,
because I felt that he was

Not yet ready to give as much of
his heart to me as I was to him.

Is that what you're saying?

Because if it is...
You better

Back off, bitch.

Christine, uh,
that was beautiful.

And I'm... I'm so glad
to hear you say that,

Because I'm not over you.

I thought I was,
but I'm not.

I love you,

And I'm finally ready
to give of my heart

As much as you've
given to me.

Uh, not the reaction
I was expecting.

I'm pregnant, richard.

what?

Is it mine?

Of course it's yours; we've
only been apart for a month.

How would I have gotten

To know someone well
enough to sleep with them?

Right.

So do you want to tell
me how you managed
to get me pregnant

When you said that you had
a vasectomy six months ago?

Um, only if you promise
to see it as a funny story.

Ow! What was that for?

That's for setting me up
with tom!

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