The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 7 - Nuts - full transcript

I have just had
the most exhausting day

of my entire life.

- Did you get that thing for me?
- Here's the thing.

I was on my way to get it
but then something terrible happened.

I stopped to get a pair of pants
and listen to this...

Apparently I'm...

"between sizes".

I don't care about your pants.

What about that notarize character
reference for my immigration hearing?

- Here's the thing.
- I knew you wouldn't get it.

Here's the thing, OK?



I looked everywhere
for a notary office

but there wasn't one anywhere
for like miles.

Plenty Gaps and Starbucks though...

I'm... telling you

if you're looking
for pants and coffee...

this is the town to be in.

That's not even a joke.

Damn it, Christine!
I knew you wouldn't do it.

How dare you?

I am fatter that I have ever been!

I'll get your thing notarized tomorrow.
First thing.

After I work on moving up a size.

Here we go.

One notarize
character reference for you.



One phone number
from a sexy notary public

who is impressed
with the size of my thumb print...

for me.

What the hell?

She sees a lot of thumbs,
she knows what she's talking about.

You asked Matthew to do that for you
but I thought I was doing it.

Here's the thing.

I always get a back-up when I have
to ask you to do stuff for me.

I busted my pair shape ass for you.

Why would you think
I wouldn't do that?

Because you didn't.

- But you didn't know that.
- I kind of did.

- That's insulting.
- What's insulting

is that I asked you a favor that could
possibly keep me from being deported

and you spent the day
trying all pants.

They had to get the manager.
She said I had a costume shape.

Whatever, it's done.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

But don't be so hard on Christine,
she has a lot on her plate.

Which might explain
her costume shape.

I don't appreciate being treated
like some sort of good for nothing,

lolly gager, all right?

Which I am not.
In fact, I cannot talk to you right now

'cause I'm a parent

and I have to go
and pick up my son from school.

Because I get things done!

Hey guys.
Where's my mom?

She's out getting things done.

Synch : Breys, So.

So she asked Matthew
to get the form for her as a back-up

because she figured it out
I wouldn't do it.

- Which you didn't.
- That's not the point.

- What is the point?
- The point is, it's not my fault.

"It's not my fault."
You say that a lot.

Along with
"Are you gone finish that?"

and "It's smelled like that
when I came in here".

It isn't my fault.
I had a hard time finding a notary.

Notaries are everywhere.

There's three on this floor,
I'm a notary!

But the point is I couldn't find one

and when I did find a notary,
it was closed. So that isn't my fault.

How long have you known that
you have to get this thing notarized?

I don't know.
Not long, like two months.

So you waited to the last minute.

- What are you implying?
- I'm not implying. I'm saying it.

You don't think anything
is your fault.

That's interesting.

Nothing is my fault.

I think we can call that
a breakthrough.

Christine, I've been seeing you
for 3 weeks now.

I'm sensing a bit of a pattern here.

Anytime anything
seems too difficult to finish

you bail on it. Your irons,
your job, your screenplay.

I finished that screenplay.

It's not my fault there was another
gay but less graphic cowboy movie

out at the same time.

I've also heard you say the same thing
about your relationships with men.

- That you're not doing so well on that.
- Are you kidding me?

I've had 50 relationships
since my divorce.

All sexual.

You're incapable of real
and meaningful

long-term relationships

because when things get hard
you check out early.

You mean like us?

We didn't get together
because we decided that you needed...

therapy more than an boyfriend
and I think that was a good decision.

I mean, by now, we would have...

had incredible sex and...

you would have broken up with me
and instead we get to do this.

And for some reasons
I'm happy with that arrangement.

Why would I have broken up with you?

Because that's what you do.

When something gets uncomfortable
for you, you quit.

That's making me uncomfortable
and you're fired!

- Quitting!
- I'm not quitting.

I'm firing you.

We've had 3 sessions,
you fired me 7 times.

If you would stop saying that things
are my fault you'd keep your job.

What job?
You haven't even payed me yet.

I'm gonna pay you.
I'm just running out of checks.

and I can't find an ATM.

This is a bank building!

Why don't you come back
tomorrow, we'll...

- talk about this some more.
- Because I just fired you.

I think you wanna get better
or you wouldn't be here.

Fired therapist says what?

- Breakthrough.
- Really?

No!
I'll see you tomorrow.

You're ready to take a break
so the boys can hit the beach?

- Who are the boys?
- We are the boys.

The bad boys of union 116.

First of all, you haven't been
a boy in 30 years.

And I'm not really a beach person.

My mom never made the transition
to a one piece bathing-suit.

Her bikini scared me more than jaws.

I guess I'm flying solo. Do me a solid,
put me some of this poppy on my back.

We need to talk.

What up, bro?

Let's start with that,
with the "bro" and the "boys"

and the "poppies" and,
you know, this thing.

We're not a couple of 20-year-old guys
sharing our first apartment together

we're grown men,
we have our own lives.

Yeah, we do.

I don't do that.

In fact, there's a lot of things
that I don't do,

starting with rubbing suntan lotion
on your back.

And we're not gonna dare each other
to eat things or...

have sex with things.

We're not gonna date sisters
or stewardesses.

We're not gonna name this place
"Vegas West".

And we will never, oh no, never...

hug it out.

What are we even doing, then?

We're sharing rent.
That's about as far as it goes.

Ever since we moved in here,
you've been acting like a freak.

You put labels on your food,
you put a password on your computer.

You make me close the bathroom door.

What's the matter with you?

I just came out
of a difficult roommate situation,

and I need some boundaries.
I had none with Christine.

None.

- I'm not Christine.
- That's correct.

And that's why we're gonna have
a different kind of relationship.

A separate...

bro-less relationship.

If you can live with those rules,
everything here is gonna work out fine.

I always thought it would be so great
to have a male roommate.

It seems like so much fun
in the movies.

But you are no Vince Vaughn,
my friend.

Here's your immigration thing
all notarized.

I think you owe me an apology.

Really?

I think you might owe me one.

You were supposed to pick me up
at the eye doctor.

He dilated my eyes
and I wasn't supposed to drive...

but I did anyway.

Christine, I felt a bump,
and I just kept going.

We probably should
watch the news tonight.

Here's your form.

I don't need it anymore.
Matthew already did it.

And I may have killed a man.

You are taking this. I went
through hell to get this for you.

I went to three different notaries.

The first one had a huge line,

the second one had stairs.

The third one
was in some woman's house

with old dogs

or a fart machine or something,

but I stuck it out
and I got your damn...

notarized whatever it is.
So, just take it.

Thanks, anyway.

No, you're taking it.

It's too late.
I don't need it anymore.

Just hold it in your hand.

It doesn't matter.

It matters to me.

Just...

take it!

What is wrong with you?

Take it!

It's too late!

Please, take it.

If you don't take it,
everybody's gonna think I'm a...

- quitter.
- But you are a quitter.

You quit college,
you quit your marriage.

You haven't been to work in so long,
I thought you quit here.

I know.

Max is right.

He's brilliant.

He nailed me.

You got nailed by your therapist?

I guess that's all it takes for you...
a couch and a smile.

We decided it'd be better
if he was my therapist,

and in three weeks,
he figured me out.

I quit everything when it's hard.

Even if I don't understand
a word in a book,

I just throw it away
and I read the funnies.

I've never seen you
read the funnies.

That's because when I don't understand
the funnies, I throw it away

and I drink wine.

And I do this with men, too.

I treat them like Jelly Beans.

I quit on them
when all the black ones are gone.

I recognize that line
from your screenplay.

You're getting yourself all worked up.
It's no big deal.

This is who you are,
and we've all learned to accept it.

That's terrible.

Accept that?
That I'm...

a flake and a failure?

Why are you even my friend?

Let's not start
pulling at that thread.

OK, I am here.

Which should prove to you
I am no flake.

You're an hour and a half late.

He's good, huh?

He nailed me, too.

I had a breakthrough.
Write it down.

Breakthrough.

A real one.

I do quit things when they're hard.

I've never finished
my wedding thank-you notes,

I don't have a driver's license.

I haven't put together
Ritchie's car seat.

I mean, it's all my fault,
and I need help.

I'm proud of you.

- And I know you can change.
- How do you know?

- I have faith in you.
- Why?

I don't know,
I think because you're pretty.

Same reason I trusted
that model to do my taxes.

Although this will probably
result in less jail time.

So what kind of pill
are you going to give me?

I'm allergic to Sulfa, just an FYI.

So I don't want anything
with side effects,

unless it's rapid weight loss.

There's no pill, Christine.
No magic cure.

I'm talking about changing
the way you live your life.

You may even have to give up things.

I can do that, as long as it's easy.

What I like to do
with patients in your condition

is to take this therapy
small steps at a time.

- My condition? What's my condition?
- In your condition. You're nuts.

How was the beach?

We don't have to talk about it.

You were pretty clear before, so...

I'll just keep my beach activities
to myself.

Why are you walking like that?

What happened to you?

Are you hurt?

I'm a little hurt.

Because you wouldn't put sunscreen
on my back.

And when I asked the lifeguard
if he would do it,

he said he couldn't touch me
unless I was stung by a jellyfish.

And so, I spent the whole afternoon
lying on it...

and... I fell asleep...

and I burned another area.

Area?
What area?

A hidden area.

A very sensitive,

hidden area.

No, it's not that.

Good.

It's my balls.

Come on,
that's what I thought it was!

How did that happen?

I cut the mesh out of my swim trunks
because it's irritating, and...

I guess I fell asleep,
and the plums peeked out.

That's awful.
The mesh is the most important part

of a middle-aged man's bathing suit.

You don't cut the mesh!

I know!

I got an earful from the couple
who was directly down-ball from me.

Don't worry about it. You didn't want
a friend, you don't have a friend.

I will deal with this on my own.

How long do I have to do this?

As long as the gym is open.

Barb, how long is the gym open?

12 hours.

I can't do this.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I'm claustrophobic.

I'm running out of oxygen.

I can't stand to see her like this.
I got to go in there.

No, you don't.

You, Barb,
are what we call an "enabler".

I like the sound of that.

"Get me the enabler!"

I could offer you
a two-for-one rate.

You guys, guess what?

If you let me out of here...

I have a present for you.

Don't listen to her.

She's in the bargaining phase now.
She'll say anything to manipulate us.

Have you done this
with other patients?

All the time.

If I've got a patient who is afraid
of flying, I take them in a plane.

If I've got a patient who has a fear
of water, I take them to the beach.

If I have a patient
who's afraid of snakes, I...

refer them to another doctor.

- What's Christine afraid of?
- Anything that requires work.

Which is why I thought it made sense
to start here.

God, I hate this!

I swear when I get out of here,
I'm going to kill you!

She's in the anger phase now.

- What's next?
- Grief.

Why me?

Followed by acceptance.

What are you gonna do?

Nuts.

Are you okay?

Don't worry about it.

We're just two guys paying rent.

God, look at you. I feel terrible.
This is all my fault.

I wanna make it up to you.

What do you say sometimes
we hang out together?

And, you know what,
I guess we could name the apartment.

And let's be honest,
if sisters or stewardesses

show any interest in us...

I'm not gonna say no.

Please forgive me.

I forgive you, homes.

Well, that is nice of you...

dawg.

- So how bad is it?
- I don't know.

I've been too afraid to look.

Will you?

Would Vince Vaughn?

Probably not.

I've had some
medical training and...

I've lived with Christine.

I've seen some stuff.

Do you know what, it's not so bad.

You can probably take
the bubble wrap off.

I'm not wearing bubble wrap.

Come on, bro.

We're going to the hospital.

Why do I have to do this?
I already spent eight hours at work.

Because that's what people do.
They work all day,

they come home,
and there's more work to do.

Only Mormon women do that.

And by the way, you were only
at work for an hour and 45 minutes.

This is ridiculous.
I hate you!

You don't hate me. Trust me.
I have an ex-girlfriend who hates me.

You'll see what hate looks like.
Now come on, finish it.

The assignment
was to vacuum the entire room.

But look, the cord
won't even reach that far.

Then find another outlet.

And you're gonna have to empty
that vacuum before you continue.

This is not happening to me!

I'll tell you what,

if you let me quit right now...
I'll sleep with you.

And I'm good.

18 guys can't be wrong.

Now it's 18? My God,
no wonder you have no time to work.

- I don't think I can do this, Max.
- I know you can.

You're a strong, capable,

slutty woman...

who can vacuum a tiny room.

No, I can't.

I didn't even know I had a vacuum.

And I've only slept with two guys.

I'm a liar...

And I'm lazy.

I appreciate your honesty,
but honesty

is not gonna clean your carpet.

You really are a douche.

"Dear aunt Rachel,

"thank you so much
for the place setting.

"Richard and I really enjoyed it.

"Sorry you died.

"Say hi to grandma."

I'm on a roll.
Who's next?

That was the last one.

You are kidding me.

Why did it take me 15 years
to finish this? It was so easy.

I wasted all that time
feeling guilty about it.

Exactly.
Now let's pay...

some bills, starting with mine.

You know what, I feel like
I can do anything now. You cured me.

Not even close.

But...

it's a step in the right direction.
I may even go so far...

as to call it a breakthrough.

- Really, a breakthrough?
- Well, mini breakthrough.

World's smallest breakthrough.

A breakthrough only dogs can hear.

And I promise you, you keep this up
your life will be better in every way.

Your work will be better,

and you'll be ready
for real relationships, real intimacy.

I don't know how to thank you.

You don't have to thank me.
You did all the work. And you see?

It turned out to be a good decision
for us to work together

professionally
rather than pursuing a...

personal relationship.

Come on, how do you compare
a couple of months of...

hardcore dirty sex

to a vacuumed room and...

thank-you notes to dead people?

You are a great therapist.

You're a great patient.

- Your appointment's at 9:00 tomorrow.
- See you at 10:00.

- I'll expect you at 11:00.
- That's probably more like it.