The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 6 - The Curious Case of Britney B. - full transcript

What's going on here?
You guys having a doughnut sale?

Those are for the dance committee.
Do you wanna volunteer?

No, I can't.
I'm a single mom with no nanny

and a full-time job
that I go to sometimes, so...

Fine, don't volunteer. But we're not
spying on Ritchie for you at the dance.

Nice try.
Ritchie's not going to the dance.

There're girls there.

He's going.
Britney B asked him and he said yes.

Britney B?

Which one is that?

Is that the one with the gray tooth?



Britney L.

- Boy haircut?
- That's Britney M.

Crazy eyes?

That's Britney K.

- How do you not know your Britneys?
- It's like you don't even care.

Britney B is the most popular girl
in school.

That Britney B?

She asked Ritchie to go to the dance?
She's totally cute!

She was an extra
in High School Musical.

How did this happen?

I don't know, I just figured
it was a Make-A-Wish Foundation thing.

All I know is it broke
my poor Kelsey's heart.

Your daughter wanted to go
to the dance with Ritchie too?

God, of course not, no.



No, Kelsey has a little thing
for Britney B.

Shut up!
It's normal for this age.

Doesn't help that she wears
steel-toe Doc Martens.

May turn a few heads in the girls'
locker room, but boys like dainty.

You know, it's for safety.

She's accident-prone.

And she likes boys...

and softball.

And field hockey.

And Hilary Swank.

I don't believe this.
Our girls don't have dates,

Ritchie's with Britney B,
up is down, black is blonde.

I can't believe this!

Ritchie is going with the most
popular girl in the class?

That means he's not gonna be alone.
That means I might get grandchildren.

Blonde grandchildren.

Me, with blonde grandchildren!

We did it, Grandpa!

Synch : So.

Huge news!

We did it!
We're popular!

We are?

Not you, losers.
We, me and Ritchie.

Ritchie maybe.

And I guess there are certain
army bases where you could be popular.

Hey, I support the troops.

It is the first dance of 7th grade,

the one that sets the tone
for the rest of your life...

and Ritchie...

is going with Britney B...

the most popular girl in the class.

What? Britney B?

The girl with the big red eyebrow
is the most popular girl in class?

No, that's one of the Chelseas.

My God,
it's like you don't even care.

Yes, it is very much like that.

Get down here, honey, please!

Ritchie, get down here, please!

Hurry, your mom's popular!

Why would the most popular girl
ask Ritchie?

I don't know, Barb.
But let me tell you something.

When your fortune changes,
you do not ask questions.

It's like when I got
that second 20% off coupon

for Bed Bath and Beyond.
It showed up in my mailbox.

I did not ask questions.

I just marched myself right down
to that store

and I got myself a neck vibrator.

It can also work on your neck.

There he is... Swaggering down
the stairs like a rock star.

Look at you, big shot!

Two pounds away
from sitting in the front seat.

Ritchie, why didn't you tell me

you had a date for the dance
next weekend?

I don't know.
It's stupid.

Stupid.

That's how the popular guys talk.

Because they can.

Because they're popular.

Ritchie, I am so happy for you.

Being popular is the most
important thing in the world.

- I thought you said it wasn't.
- That's when we weren't popular.

Sit down.
We're gonna get this right, buddy.

What do you need for the big night?

Let's see, I need a tuxedo,
a corsage and a limousine.

How about some slacks from Target,

a flower from the yard and a Prius?

- Then I might as well not go at all.
- Wait, wait.

All the other kids are getting
limousines and tuxedos.

And Britney's expecting it.
And it's Britney B!

She was an extra
in High School Musical!

Calm down, all right?

We'll get you a tuxedo and a limo.
I know it's important

to do the exact same thing
that other kids are doing.

What are you teaching him?

It's Britney B, OK? She was an extra
in High School Musical!

Don't worry, OK?

We're gonna make this the perfect night
to rub in people's noses for years.

"Be like the other kids"?

"Popular
is the most important thing"?

You forgot to tell him

"It's only what's on the outside
that counts".

Let me tell you something.

The casting director
for High School Musical

did not ask to see their insides.

Are you making this
about yourself again?

No, I am not!

When I was in 7th grade,

all I wanted to do was fit in.

I asked my mom for Ditto jeans
like everybody else had,

and she gave me painter's pants.

And then when I complained,
she gave me chef's pants.

And then one thing led to another
and I married Richard,

now here I am in this dump.

You know, I wanna do
what I can for Ritchie.

But you can't afford all that stuff.
You live in a dump.

I know, but I have
to give Ritchie one night.

He's gonna have the rest of his life
to be disappointed.

He's not getting a car
when he turns 16,

and he's not going to Europe
after high school, and...

he's already got
a receding hairline and...

I think he might be shrinking.

I just wanna give him one night
that he'll never forget.

Why don't you buy
a pair of painter's pants?

Apparently
you never forgot those, either.

I've only heard that story,
like, 500 times.

You got real Levi's, Matthew.

I got elastic waisted poly-denim.

And I had a rash that lasted for,
like, seven years.

I've made a decision.

I'm moving out of Christine's house.

I can't stand living with her
without sleeping with her.

- Never bothered you with me.
- No, that was actually a nice year.

Anyway... I found this fantastic
apartment on the beach in Venice.

It's perfect.

Great location, affordable,

20 year-old girls
walking around in bikinis.

Looking for a hot 50-year-old guy
with a metal detector.

That thing's paid
for itself already.

Well, the shipping.

Anyway, this place is great.

And it's got two bedrooms.

You interested?

No, it sounds fantastic,
but Christine won't let me go.

You've been living with women too long.
You don't need to ask for permission.

Does he?

You should move out. People might think
it's weird I live with my brother.

And...

what other people think is the most
important thing in the world.

I think that's everything.

There are classes 5 days a week
at the gym,

the pool is open 24 hours,

and the jacuzzi
is clothing optional after midnight.

And here we are at your apartment.

I can't believe this place.
It's got everything.

And I can smell the ocean.

Christine's place had nothing

and it smelled like a canal.

I told you.
Wait until you see the apartment.

It's got stainless steel appliances,
rent control,

and a cushioned toilet seat.
That stays with it, right?

It all stays.

- What's the catch?
- No catch.

You just have to evict the previous
tenant and the place is yours.

The place is ours!

What are you talking about?
There's a tenant?

I can't get her out.
She hasn't paid rent for 6 months

and it takes two years
to evict someone.

If you can make her leave...

the place is all yours.

Did you hear that?

We got it!

We didn't get it. Someone's living
there. I don't want to kick someone out.

Neither do I, but did you see
this place? It's perfect!

I know, it's a great place.

There's girls playing volleyball
on the beach in their bikinis,

instead of Christine running around
in her girdle bottoms,

looking for a clean bra.

I've lost everything.
Please let me do this.

But I don't wanna kick
someone out of their home.

She hasn't paid rent in 6 months.
She's a criminal.

She's lucky
we aren't calling the cops.

- You wanna go back to Christine's?
- She never found a bra.

She never found it.

Good. Are you
from the Meals On Wheels?

Come on, she's old.

Let's get out of here!
We can't do this!

Oh, my God, look at that view.

We can watch the sunset
over the ocean.

Are those dolphins?

Get out!

Mom, stop taking pictures.
It's stupid.

There's that word again.

Popular.

Go on in, you guys.
Have a good time.

Oh, my God, this is perfect.

You see his look when he saw the limo
was stocked with name-brand soda?

No more Peppy Cola for him.

I can't see anything.

I think you burnt my retinas
with your parazzi flash.

Look here.
Look how handsome he is in his tux.

I can't!

I'm not kidding.
I'm scared.

All I see is a big blue dot.

You know what, Barb,
not everything is about you.

You know that? Some things
are about me. And I did it, OK?

I created the perfect night
for my son.

I'm like
his fairy-freakin'-godmother.

And be sure to have Cinderella
out of here before 10:00,

because my cousin needs his limo back
to give Usher a ride to the airport.

Here.
Take a picture of me.

I always want to remember
my first sober prom.

The blue dot is gone.

Now it's only darkness.

Look at them.

They haven't danced once.

Total waste of a spray-on tan
and a couture dress.

And your daughter's tux.

We should cut them loose
and start working on the babies.

Not me.
My baby has big thighs.

And it's too late to try
and make the old ones funny or smart.

God, we're screwed.

Hello, ladies.

Everyone having a good time?

You don't have to sashay over here
all happy with yourself.

One night of popularity
doesn't mean anything.

Don't forget we owned
Pre-K through sixth.

The same years your son
had that imaginary friend, Tuttle.

And I heard Tuttle didn't ask
your daughters to the dance either.

And those are the three errors
I found in Star Trek so far.

- But I'm still looking.
- You already told me that.

I have to go to the bathroom.

- And I'm gonna get some Skittles.
- You don't have to tell me everything.

- How's it going with Ritchie?
- Horrible!

He's so lame.

He's like a baby.

Really?

On the limo ride over here,
whenever we went around a corner

he went...

- I'm breaking up with him.
- When?

Tonight.
I don't want to be stuck with him.

I thought it'd be fun and dangerous
dating a poor kid, like in the movies,

but it's not.

I hate him.

Well, then I hate him, too.

Did you know
that there is a tier of meanie moms

above Marly and Lindsay?

Like, the Uber Meanies.
And guess what they just said to me.

They said "hi"
and guess what I said?

But not like that.

More like this, like...

Not like that. It was more like...
like this, like...

No wait.
Hold on, let me just get...

I get it. You guys
had an amazing conversation.

And I hate to ruin it for you,
but I have some bad news.

The fairy tale is over.

Britney is dumping Ritchie.

My poor baby.

My poor little baby boy.
Why?

She thinks he's a baby.

He's not a baby.

She better not hurt my baby.

Let's just grab Ritchie
and get him out of here.

This is his night.

After the clock strikes 10:00,
it'll be all downhill from there.

He'll be back to watching Star Trek
with Tuttle.

Christine, let it go.
She doesn't like him.

People don't like me
and I never let it go.

That's true.

You wore me down.

Look, I know my rights.

I've got two years
before you can evict me.

And you've got hair like a girl.

You can't just live here
without paying rent.

I've been doing it for six months.
Idiot.

Obviously we're not gonna
force you from your home.

You got that right, idiot.

People like my hair.

What are you doing?

What's it look like?
I'm packing up her stuff, idiot.

I don't feel right about this.
How are we gonna enjoy this apartment

when we know we put a poor
old woman out on the streets?

Where's she gonna go?

I don't care.

There's a clothing-optional jacuzzi.

And I opt for none.

This is exactly
what is wrong with this country.

We treat old people like they don't
matter. In every other culture,

the elderly are revered. But here
we throw them out like an old shoe.

Well, I'm not gonna be a part of this.
Do you hear me? I will not!

This isn't my apartment.

I live upstairs with my twin sister.
I do this all the time.

I'm just gonna talk to Britney and
I'm gonna get her to stay with Ritchie.

God, don't do that to Ritchie.
That's embarrassing!

I remember when my mother went
to the school one time and tried

- to get me invited to this party...
- Seriously, Barb,

not everything is about you.

Really,
thanks again for inviting me.

I'm just gonna talk to her.
I know how to talk to kids.

I'm just gonna go over there
and have a "convershizzle".

I'll go have my cousin
pull the car around.

I can do this.

Yeah, right, so she's popular,

she's confident but on the inside,
she's just a scared little girl.

And Barb, you know,

aren't we all just scared little girls
on the inside?

You're crazy on the inside.

I can handle this.

Can I talk to you alone
just for a second?

I'll be right back, you guys.

My photographer wants to talk to me.

Now that you don't have to be...

cool in front of your friends,
I wanted to ask you something.

I heard a rumor that you wanted
to break up with Ritchie.

It's not a rumor, it's a fact.

But why?

I mean, you just got here.

Because he's a baby.

He's not a baby.
He's very mature for his age.

I'll give you "dork".

But you could do worse
than a dork like Ritchie.

I mean, he's sweet

and he's smart and he's tidy.

And he could paint your toenails

without getting anything,
like, on your skin.

And the two of you would make
beautiful blonde grandkids.

You're gross!

Listen, little girl.
You don't even deserve one night

with my tidy son.

He's too good for you.
So why don't you just walk away?

No, don't walk away, Britney B!

No, isn't there a way
we can work this out?

I can't believe you did it.

You really are a fairy godmother.
What did you do?

Whack her over the head
with your magic wine bottle?

No, of course not.
I just talked to her.

She reminds me
a lot of myself at that age.

Except for the clear skin
and smooth hair and...

straight teeth and...

straight spine and...

the inner confidence that...

keeps her from making out
with her...

typing teacher.

You have to stop telling me
about your childhood.

When I go to bed at night...

I can't shake it.

We have been talking, and we've decided
that you can be friends with us.

And I have decided
you can kiss my brunnette ass.

Sorry, kids, sorry.
Don't say that.

Come on, Lindsay.
Let's get the girls and go home.

My daughter is not a whore!

We're staying.
What?

I'm Britney B's mom, Bethany B.

And did you really pay
my daughter $100

to stay with your son?

I don't know where you got that.

Is that your signature
on this check?

I see where you got that.

You paid someone to date your son?

The world's making sense again.

Look, Kelsey's dancing!

So is my daughter!
And he's cute!

That's Kelsey.

And your daughter's leading.

I'm taking my daughter home.

- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- No, I am.

And would you just do me a favor?

Don't cash that check
for a couple of days!

Yeah, all right,
I'll be your friend.

Where's the limo?

It turned into a pumpkin.

Sorry, honey.

It's okay.
I wanna go home,

get in my pajamas and watch Matlock.

- I thought you were having fun.
- Not really.

Popular people are boring.

Except for you guys.

Come on, let's go home.
Ritchie and I are gonna sit in the back,

listen to show tunes.
Barb, you can be our chauffeur.

This is the worst night of my life.

Come on, there must be
some place you can go.

OK, genius.
Where?

I'm not going to a nursing home
because old people make me sick.

So, where else am I gonna go?

Heaven?

Good luck.

I'm a lonely old woman.

You can't just
kick me out of my home.

She's got no one.

Where the hell
do lonely old women live?

Who are you?

Agnes.

Have you seen a... bra?

Not in years.