The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 5 - Dr. Little Man - full transcript

What are you doing here?

The gym is closed for a week.

Somebody flushed the "Do not
flush tampons" sign down the toilet.

It's a disaster.

- Lunch?
- I can't.

My assistant quit.
She left me with this huge mess.

I found my insurance forms
shoved into a drawer

with what smells
like an egg salad sandwich.

Please, God,
let it be an egg salad sandwich.

Don't answer your own phones.

Makes it seem like you're running
a two-bit operation here.



Good morning. Thank you
for calling Dr. Kimble's office.

I have another call ahead of you.
Please hold.

What are you doing?

Make it seem like you're busy.
More professional.

Thank you for holding.
How can I help you?

Dr. Kimble's all booked up
on Friday.

I'm not booked on Friday.
I'm not booked on any day.

I see your 10:00 a.m.,
I raise you a 2:00 on Wednesday.

Great.
My pleasure, hon.

That was amazing.
Whose voice was that?

That's my secretary voice.

My first job in high school was
answering phones in a doctor's office.

I could handle three lines and
not laugh when I answered the phone,

"Dr. Getsoff. Please hold".



But I had to quit
when Dr. Pullit joined the practice.

Couldn't get through Pullit
and Getsoff without laughing.

I really do need some help here.
I was wondering,

do you think you could fill in
until I find someone?

It's been a long time.
I don't know if I'm re...

Good morning.

Thank you for calling
Dr. Kimble's office. Please hold.

Dr. Kimble's office.
Please hold.

Drs. Pullit and Getsoff.
Please hold.

That was just for you.

Synch : So.

Come on! We're gonna be late
for my first appointment.

Good morning, Mary. Lou and Rhoda
are in the car already. Let's go.

Don't start. This is what I wore
when I worked at Dr. Getsoff's.

If you hang on to your clothes long
enough they come back in style again.

Not yet.

Look at this.
Clove cigarettes and diet pills.

God, I loved the '70s.
Nothing was bad for you.

Except for fashion.

Hey, Maude.

What?
You don't like my outfit?

I didn't notice your outfit.

Shut up.
I'm restarting my secretarial career.

I'm answering phones for Matthew
for a week while the gym is closed.

You two are working together?
Isn't that kind of weird?

You're living with the woman
who left you at the altar.

We're friends now. I mean,
do I still snoop through her purse

and read her texts
and log onto her Facebook page? Sure.

But... only as a friend.

What's Facebook?

You're gonna love it
about 30 years from now.

I'm starting to get hungry.
What should we do for lunch today?

Our sushi roll place?
We haven't been there in a while.

I won't be able to have lunch
with you today. I have plans.

If you have plans,
that's your business.

Where you going?
Who you going with?

I have a date.

A date?

That's awesome.

Who's your date with?
Where you going?

We're going to the sushi roll place, so
I would appreciate you went elsewhere.

Our... sushi roll place?

- Do you want me to go somewhere else?
- Just do me a favor,

don't order our sushi roll.
That's a special roll for us.

If the guy wants to order a California
roll, I'm not gonna stop him.

You did great work today. We've got you
on the books for next week.

Validation...

Tissues...

Smoke?

That's okay. We're trying
to keep Nancy away from fire.

So who's my next patient?

Actually, you have a little break.
Sandra, your 11:00, cancelled.

She cancelled?
She say why?

She was a little upset when she called,
but then I talked her down

and she felt so much better,
she just canceled her appointment.

That woman is a mess.

It's court-ordered therapy.
What did you say to her?

Same thing you would've said, probably.
This therapy thing isn't science.

Yes, it is.

It's science.
It's...

behavioral science.

And I'm a trained professional,
and you're an assistant.

How dare you.

I'm... a secretary.

You can't be talking to my patients.
You're not trained.

I have a license, a degree.

Oprah's boyfriend
talked at my graduation.

So I spoke
to a couple of your clients.

- What's the big deal?
- A couple? More than one?

Three.

You're unbelievable!

You're a secretary!

I am an executive assistant.

And I am a doctor.

Not "doctor",

doctor!

"Fine."

Stop mocking me.

How about this idea?

How about you thanking me

for helping you out this week?

How about
a little appreciation for me?

You are 100% wrong, and until
you apologize I'm not speaking to you.

I am not apologizing
for helping you.

And stop yelling at me,

because I think I took
too many of those diet pills,

and I'm having these weird,
crazy energy surges.

Man, those things are good!

You're fired.

You can't fire me.
I am as high as a kite!

Fired!

Good morning.
Welcome to Dr. Kimble's office.

Do you have an appointment?

Do you have an appointment?

I'm the secretary.

I'm Max Kershaw.
I share the suite with Dr. Kimble.

You mean Dr. Jackass.

Are you from that temp agency?

Matthew is my brother.
I'm Christine.

Yes, he told me about you.

Thank you.

Would you excuse me
just for a second?

Good morning.
Dr. Kimble's office. Please hold.

That phone didn't ring.

I think I took too many pills and...

the ringing might be in my ears.
You wanna get the door?

Should I call someone
to pick you up?

I'm fine, I really am. It's just that
Matthew and I never really fight,

and we live together
and we work together.

We did work together, you know.

He fired me.

He's my best friend.

You seem like you need a hug,
but I have this unwritten rule...

which became a written rule,
about not hugging women in my office.

It was a miscommunication...

followed by a weekend in Ojai,
followed by a...

a two-month suspension
of my license.

No, it's okay.

You don't have to hug me.

I just came to get my mail,
and then I have to run

an appointment,
but I could come back.

Later?

Sure.

- That would be great.
- We could talk.

I like to talk.

I like to listen.

Perfect.

I should get going, too.

I have to pack up all my stuff,
and...

maybe call poison control.

Here are your messages, doctor.

If there'll be nothing else,
I'll be punching out.

Forever.

I am sorry that I yelled.

You did more than yell.

You fired me.

So if you'll just give me
my severance package...

I'll be on my way.

You did a great job, but...

you can see how it's a violation
to counsel my clients, can't you?

- You do it.
- Yeah, but I'm a...

You know what,
let's just stay clear of this subject.

- You ready to go home?
- You go ahead. I have a date.

With who?

Dr. Kershaw.

You better be kidding.

Why?
He's not one of your clients.

He's just my mentor.
Christine, how did this happen?

I don't have to tell you.

Doctor-girlfriend confidentiality.

You're not going out with him.
Because this is my office,

he is my mentor

and you are my employee.

Your employee?
No, I don't think so.

I was laid off.

Just stop it. You just leave those
things in the '70s where they belong.

Come on, you're coming home with me.

I'm not going anywhere with you,
little man.

I have asked you
not to call me that.

Little man?

What's wrong with little man...

- Little man?
- Stop it.

This is my office.

And I am a doctor, damn it.

And I am the boss of you.

Are you...

little man?

I am calling mom.

Sorry.

I think I crashed
from too many of those diet pills.

They should warn you about that.

Look...

They do.

No need to explain. I've walked into
a lot stranger things in this office.

Long story...

involving some very
unflattering photographs,

a night in the emergency room

and a three-month suspension
of my license.

Matthew really struck gold
in the mentor department.

You have nice teeth.

Thank you.
And... you have nice...

I am not going down that road.
I'm promised the state.

I don't have
a whole lot of time, so...

if you don't mind,
I'm gonna jump right in.

Let's do it in here.

Man knows what he wants.

I'm ready if you are.

I'm not used
to a whole lot of wooing,

but, this is a little fast,

even for me.

It's okay.

Why don't you just lie down

and get started.

On my brother's couch?

What are you gonna do?

I'll jump in when the time is right.

You know, I'm...

really not that kind of girl.

Well, I'm not really a girl.
I'm...

more of a gal.
But I'm not really that kind of gal.

What kind of gal?

The kind of gal that sleeps
with someone on their first date.

Date?

I thought you wanted a session
to talk about your brother.

Session?

Did you think we were gonna have...
On your brother's couch?

That never even entered my mind.

I swear. I've been given
some very strict guidelines

by a very strict judge.

I am just mortified.

I'm sorry.
It seemed like you were having

a really hard time with your brother.
I thought you needed help.

Well, of course I need help.
I'm just a disaster.

Since we're here and you're...

already humiliated,

do you... wanna talk about it?

No, I don't need to talk about it.

It's just that he's my only brother

and... it's the biggest fight
we ever had.

Do you mind if I just lie down?

Before we get started,
I have to ask you,

if I had asked you out,

would you have said yes?

I did say yes.

And just so you know...

I am that kind of gal.

Damn it.

You scared me.
What are you doing?

Why are the lights off?

Why do you keep calling
and hanging up on my cell phone?

Christine, we're roommates.

I had questions.
Like...

Do you mind if I finish that Chinese
chicken salad in the refrigerator

and who the hell
have you been out with for 6 hours?

I don't think that was my Chinese
chicken salad. I thought it was yours.

When did I have
Chinese chicken salad?

Who have you been out with
for 6 hours?

You don't know him. Well, you might.
Did you follow the Olympics?

Relax.
It was awful.

I forgot how brutal it is
to be out there dating again.

- It is?
- Yes.

The uncomfortable meal,

the awkward small talk.

"Look, these are my medals.
This is my apartment."

"You can see ocean from here."

The parazzi...

Sounds like my night.

"Will you deliver a pizza for one?"

"Are you sure you don't wanna hang out
before you deliver the rest?"

"Then try this credit card."

God, if I wasn't
such a sexual person,

I would just stay home
and forget the whole thing.

Sexual.

I didn't sleep with anyone.

I'm not gonna sleep with strangers.

But I've got to sleep with someone.

I don't know what to do.

What to do...

Since we're already living together
in this house anyway...

do you think it would be
a terrible idea if we...

What are you doing?

I was hopeful this was
where the conversation was going.

I have something to say
and I want you to listen to me.

I made a mistake.

I was only seeing you
as my little brother,

and not the...

competent professional
that you've worked so hard to become.

And I would like to take
responsibility for that and ask you

to forgive me.

I can hear
that you're still angry...

and you're entitled
to your feelings...

but do you think that we can
eventually move past this?

Matthew, come on.
I only had one hour of therapy.

He didn't tell me what to do
if you were a total flipping jerkhole.

- Wait, you went to therapy?
- Yes.

God, it was totally humiliating.

I mean, I thought Max and I
were on a date,

and he just thought I needed help.

You went to therapy?

I don't wanna cross
any boundaries or anything,

but I'd really like to call him
and see if he'd...

see me again.
I mean, if that's okay.

Are you kidding?
Don't mess with me.

Are you really finally
gonna get help?

Is the nightmare over?

- Hey, guys. What's going on?
- Christine's going to therapy.

Thank God the nightmare's over.

Why are you here?

I wanted you guys
to be the first to know...

I'm back together
with new Christine.

What a day!
I don't know what's better news.

You getting back together with new
Christine or Christine going to therapy.

No contest.
Christine going to therapy is huge.

Go a lot.

Pay attention.

Is the coast clear?

Matthew's gone.

And we had a fantastic...

- day at work, thanks to you.
- Glad I could help.

And I'm glad you called me.
You look beautiful.

Thank you.
So should we get started?

Right now?

I usually prefer
a little dirty talk, but...

What are you doing?

Kissing you.

Kissing me?

Why?

Because you called
and said you wanted to see me again.

And you meant...

Damn it.

Crap.
We did it again.

You'd think as a therapist,
I'd be better at reading people.

I thought you were attracted to me.

I am.

But, you know, you're...

my therapist.

Look, there are a lot of therapists
in this town,

but there's not that many people
I'm attracted to.

And I'm gonna say this to you
right now,

I'm a better kisser
than I am a therapist.

And I'm not even that good a kisser,
according to my therapist. So...

What do you say? Do you wanna
go out with me on a date?

Do you mean
to a restaurant or something?

I just wanna make sure
we're talking about the same thing.

Yes. A date.

You know, I flash my teeth,
you flash your...

You know, a date.

But...

you should know that my brother

and my ex-husband
are going to be devastated.

They think I'm crazy.

What are you doing?

Have you lost your mind?

- What's the matter?
- You can't just come up

and touch me any time you want.

We had an arrangement.

We'll have sex out of necessity
at predetermined times

that are mutually convenient
for both of us.

Mutually convenient?

We're not setting up
an appointment with the cable guy.

- We're back together.
- Why would you think that?

Christine... last night?
Remember?

Massage oil, 4 hours,

the neighbors called
to ask if our guinea pig was okay.

It's just sex.

I thought you said
you could separate.

I don't think I can.

I love you.

Don't say that.

If you love me, we're not
gonna be able to live together.

Then I guess we're not gonna be able
to live together, because...

every time I see your face,
it breaks my heart.

Starting tomorrow,
I'm gonna look for my own place.

Then tonight,
would it be okay if we...

went to our sushi place?

That's what I thought
you were gonna say.

It's just that my mother
has never acknowledged

anything that I've ever done.
She's never been on...

my side.

I don't mean to rush you...
And this is terrific date banter, but...

Could we continue this conversation
at the restaurant?

Max, I'm so sorry.

I don't know how I ended up
telling you my whole life story.

You're just so easy to talk to

and my mom is such a bitch.

- We're not dating, are we?
- No, we are.

Just...
We're getting to know each other.

What's your mom like?
Mine's a bitch.

I think I might need
a therapist more than a boyfriend.

God, yes.

I really am attracted to you,
though.

Maybe it's because of your connection
to my brother Matthew and...

I am really sick.

Boy, you know, this time
I might lose the license altogether.