The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 4 - For Love or Money - full transcript

We have to make this sham wedding
look as legitimate as possible.

- One question.
- You're not getting laid.

Don't even try. She was an ice cube
during our entire sham marriage.

Why do we have
to go through all of this?

Why don't go to Vegas
and get hitched?

Drive-thru chapel in my truck,

nickel slots, watered down drinks...

I'll marry you right now.

I already duped the INS once,
so they'll be watching me.

So today, we'll go down
and open up a joint bank account.

Then go to the Justice of the Peace,
get our license and then get married.



You know what's weird?

Pretty soon, I will have been married
to everyone in this room.

- You know what would be really weird?
- No threesomes.

Sham marriage sucks as bad
as real marriage.

So Barb,
we've got a wedding to plan.

This is your big day. We have
to figure out what I'm wearing,

who I'm bringing,
what song I'm singing...

You're wearing that,
you're bringing no one

and if you even start to sing "Put
a ring on it", I'm throwing you out.

We'll see.

The first thing we have to do
is get a divorce.

Divorce.

God, I forgot about that.

You know, that makes me oh-for-two.



Two-time loser.

Used goods.

Black widow.

Stop.

- Are you gonna be okay?
- I'm fine.

- Nothing's really gonna change.
- Of course not.

You're my best friend.
Nothing's gonna change that.

So I'll just have my lawyer
send over some papers for you to sign

and he'll file them in court.

What did you just say?

I'll just have my lawyer send over
some papers for you to sign

and he'll file them in court.

Lawyer?
What do you need a lawyer for?

When Richard and I got divorced,
it was so informal.

We had a paralegal do it for free

while we drank beers
in the back of his van.

We weren't even going there
to get divorced.

I just want to protect my assets.

Protect your assets?
From who...

... m?

From who?

If you were to protect your assets,

from whom might you be
protecting your assets...

from?

It's no big deal.

But it is a big deal.
You don't trust me?

- I never said that.
- So, you do trust me?

I never said that.

You know what? If you don't trust me,
guess what? I don't trust you.

I'll hire a lawyer
to protect my assets from you...

... m.

You don't have anything I want.

I know that.

You made that perfectly clear
on our honeymoon.

Synch : So.

I am so glad
that you came to see me.

I am in a perfect position
to help you.

When I think about the injustice
you suffered at the hands of that woman,

it makes me so sick...

I would handle your case
for nothing.

But I respect you too much for that.

Well, thank you, your honor.

We are going to make her pay
for everything that she's done to you.

We're going to start by freezing
her assets and garnishing her wages.

You know what?

Before we start freezing
and garnishing,

I'm starting to feel
a little bit weird about this.

Barb is my best friend.
And I just got angry

and I tend to be very impulsive
when I'm angry.

I'm the reason that you can't bring
water bottles into Dodger games.

I think I've changed my mind
about this.

I see.
You're one of those.

Yeah. I am.

One of what?

Let me ask you something.
Please, sit.

How did your last divorce go?

It was easy.

My ex and I
share custody of our son.

And we split everything else
down the middle, even-steven.

How much alimony does he pay you?

I didn't really feel comfortable
asking for alimony.

I'm a democrat.

No alimony.

You do own a piece
of his business, though?

I didn't really feel comfortable
asking for that.

I'm a feminist.

But you were comfortable
starting from scratch

after you bore him a child and gave him
the best years of your life?

Yeah, I'm comfortable with that.

I'm an idiot.

So no money, no business,
no nothing.

- Let's get married.
- OK.

Sorry.
It's an automatic response.

When are you going to stop
letting people take advantage of you?

Stop being such a giver?

You know, this is not the first time
I have heard that.

So what's it going to take
to have you start fighting back?

I don't wanna fight Barb.
She's my friend.

And she's freakishly strong.

She's the reason you can't buy beer

after the seventh inning
at Dodger games.

- Who started the gym?
- Me.

Who married her best friend
to keep her in the country?

Who lost her figure
after childbirth?

You.

And all you're asking for in return
is dignity, respect,

and the acknowledgement of the value
you have in this relationship.

What else do you have left?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Are you two actually eating?

You wearing a girl's shirt?

There's a good reason for that.

I look good in girls' shirts.

- Where's the tacos?
- We ate them. Wanna go get more?

After I finish this taco.

Shouldn't you be doing this
in the privacy of your bathroom?

No, we've given up. What's the point?
You know what happened at the mall?

A group of teenagers were staring at us.
We thought they were hitting on us.

Then they asked us to walk them
into an R-rated movie.

And they called me "ma'am".

They called me "sir".

I should probably stop carrying
my cell phone in my front pocket.

- What brought all this on?
- We have children in middle school.

We've had our last babies.

It's all sort of hitting us
that our lives are over.

We have no purpose. Our kids
won't even let us drive them to school.

- Then what are you doing here?
- Waiting for a hot lunch.

Come on.
This is silly.

You are two beautiful women
in the prime of your lives.

People would pay
to look like you do.

You pay to look like you do.

Stop it.

Be specific.

Well, Lindsay,
you've got a sexy voice,

a fantastic profile and...

you drive a great car.

Do me.

You look like a Barbie doll
with your...

delicate features,
your perfect sense of style

and spacious guest house.

Age isn't an issue for you two,
you're ageless.

Seriously, the years go by,
but the face doesn't change.

You could be 20 or... 500.

Are those women's pants?

Actually there's a really good reason
for that. I have this high waist.

And I look good in women's pants.

You look better in women's pants
than Lindsay does.

Lindsay, move your phone.

I don't have my phone.

Today was the day I realized what's
been holding me back my entire life.

- Addiction?
- No.

- Narcissism?
- No.

Short attention span?

What are you eating?

I have always been too much
of a giver.

I have always been so busy
taking care of other people

that I forgot
to take care of myself.

But that is about to change.

I'm going to sue Barb for alimony.

Are you kidding?
That's insane.

- Yeah, Howard said you'd say that.
- Who's Howard?

My attorney/fianc?.

He made me realize that I put a lot

into this marriage and I deserve
to be compensated for it.

- Sham marriage, what are you gonna get?
- My dignity and respect.

Is Howard a lawyer or a wizard?

Shut up
or I'm going to sue your ass, too.

For what?

You live here rent-free.
You eat my food.

Howard said I'd be well
within my rights

to sue you for back rent.

- Quid pro quo.
- You don't know what that means.

- Neither do you.
- Fair enough.

I'm not trying to hurt Barb,
I'm just trying to get her respect.

Besides, she got a lawyer first.

What am I supposed to do,
lie down and take it?

This isn't college.

That lawyer has talked you into
a decision you're gona regret.

How are you so easily swayed
by other people's opinions?

You don't know
what you're talking about.

This man is very handsome.

It's wrong.
Barb is your best friend.

And she'll appreciate me
even more after this.

- Barbara Jean Baran?
- That's me.

You've been served.

Those Dodgers need to let it go.

Marly, Lindsay,
what are you doing here?

- We're your 2:00 appointment.
- You're our new therapist.

I'm not. I can't.

It's illegal. I don't want to.
I'm booked up. I'm dying.

Come on, Matthew. You're the only one
who understands us.

No, I swear I don't.

But you really helped us the other day.
You made us feel good about ourselves.

Yeah, we stopped eating in public.
You made us healthy again.

Then today, we started feeling bad again
and we realized that maybe our problem

- is deeper than we thought.
- We're scared. We need help.

We need you.

OK, I'll see what I can do.

Why do I have to be so good
with crazy women?

Why don't you tell me
when your depression started.

Do you have a family history of it?

- What is that?
- I don't know.

We don't want that kind of therapy.
We've had 20 years of that nonsense.

Do the therapy
that you did yesterday.

I didn't do anything yesterday.

Sure you did.
You said we were pretty.

And something about my voice.

I think we can make this real quick.

My client is willing to settle
for a onetime cash payment

of $25,000.

$25,000!

That's so much.

Obviously,
she believes she's due much more,

but in the interest of friendship...

she's willing to settle for $25,000.

$25,000.

Well, my client is...

His client is gonna have
to beat your client's ass.

- What in the hell are you doing?
- I'm protecting myself.

You hired a lawyer first.

What could I possibly
owe you money for?

For everything
that I've done for you.

I kept you in this country.
I kept you from being deported.

I kept them from kicking you out
of America.

I allowed you to stay in the U.S.A.

You didn't have to leave our nation.

I could go on.

What about all the things
I've done for you?

Name one.

I took you in after your divorce.

I bailed out your business.

I ran your business.
I helped raise your kid.

I taught you how to use a computer.
I taught you how to use a telephone.

I've hid wine from you.
I've hid food from you.

I've heimlich'd you,
like, seven times.

I said "name one".

If anyone owes anyone anything,

you owe me.

I can't believe we lost this one.

My client has reconsidered.

We'll now settle for $27,000.

You're so good at this.

And you work out, huh?

- What are you basing this on?
- His bicep is huge.

Your mean client is trying
to intimidate my crazy client.

She also tried to get my client
to do something illegal.

Not to mention the toll that this
marriage took on my client's figure.

$35,000!

Show them.

Show them the back.

I don't want to.

$50,000.

You know what?
You are unbelievable.

Yeah, Barb, that's right...
You just walk out,

just like you did on our marriage.

I'd go after her but I don't want
everyone looking at my butt.

Today I thought you could take
the Kiersey personality test.

I think if we get a better understanding
of your personality types,

we can find out where this underlying
depression might be coming from.

I know you want me
to compliment you.

That is not what I do for a living.

You have this earnest tone
to your voice when you talk to us.

It's like you intimately understand
sad women.

I borrow clothes from a sad woman.

Look, I am sorry.
I am a trained therapist.

I don't feel right
taking $125 from you

to say you're beautiful for an hour.

What if we paid you $750 an hour?

What if we talked
about your gorgeous green eyes?

Barb!
You're here!

- Does this mean you're not mad at me?
- No, it does not mean that.

Wait.

It does not mean
you're not mad at me

or it does mean
you're not not mad at me?

Let's do this differently.

Mad: yes or no?

No, you don't want
to do it differently

or no you're not mad at me?

- What is this?
- It's a check, $25,000,

just like you wanted.

I don't want to split hairs here,
but I think the figure we agreed on

was $50,000.

But, in the spirit of friendship...

I'll take it.

You're welcome.

So I'll sign the divorce papers and
we'll get back to the way things were.

There are no papers.
My lawyer found a loophole

to get our marriage annulled
because we never consummated it.

Well, I told you
I would've if you would've.

And I told you
there's not enough tequila in Mexico.

So, we're good?
We're back?

We're done.
Good-bye, Christine.

- "Good-bye"?
- Enjoy your check.

You know what?
You started this.

You can't make me feel bad,
all right?

I do not feel bad!

Matthew, I feel bad.

But rich,

which makes me happy.
But lonely...

which makes me feel sad.

I don't think Barb
wants to be my friend anymore.

Of course she doesn't want that
anymore. You sued her for alimony.

And I won, which makes me happy.

- But Barb left me, which makes me...
- I know, I've been on this ride.

I've got my own problems. Marly and
Lindsay have been coming to my office...

- I thought you were done.
- No!

Marly and Lindsay have been coming
to my office for therapy.

You're still not done?
How long is this story?

God, it's like Lord Of The Rings.

Marly and Lindsay are paying me
$750 an hour to compliment them.

Taking that kind of money
from Marly and Lindsay is unethical.

You just sued your best friend.
At least I'm providing a service.

But I didn't want to.

When she got that lawyer,
it made me realize,

maybe she doesn't think
of our friendship the way that I do.

I would trust her with my life,
Matthew.

I'm leaving Ritchie to her.

Relax, you're third.

Think of poor Richard, he's sixth.

But I mean, I love Barb.

It's just she made me feel

like our marriage was nothing.

It wasn't nothing.
It was one in a series

of wonderful illegal things
you've done during your friendship.

You know you have
to give that money back.

You know you have to give
Marly and Lindsay their money back.

Or we could talk
about your beautiful brown eyes.

Now we're actually doing this,
I'm feeling a little nervous.

I can't get in trouble, can I?

Five years in jail, $250,000 fine.

Why didn't you tell me that?

I can't go to jail.

I can't pee in front of men,
you know that.

We're not gonna get caught.
If anyone asks any questions,

just answer truthfully.
We've known each other for 26 years.

You married my best friend,
then got divorced.

After that settled,
we found each other

and knew that this was meant to be,
and fell in love.

Sweetie,
what a great story to tell our kids.

God, I've got to stop
marrying Campbells.

I'm gonna find out
how long the wait is.

All right, honey.

Did I miss it?

- What are you doing here?
- Well, I'm your maid of honor.

And your ex-wife.

And your best friend.

No, I paid you off.
I'm done with you.

Best money I ever spent.

I can't take your money.
I am giving you your check back.

I just needed to know
that you love me.

That you care about me.

That you don't hate me.

I don't hate you.

I love you, too, Barb.

I am so sorry.

Please take me back.
I don't know what I'd do without you.

I'm sorry, too.
I got screwed in my last divorce

and was a little defensive.
I never should've hired that lawyer.

Why is this check signed
and stamped "insufficient funds"?

We could spend all day
trying to figure that out.

Damn it.
You tried to cash this?

I don't wanna point fingers.

I may have tried to cash it,
but you also wrote me a bad check.

There's only $40 in that account.

I just thought
of a great way to celebrate.

No sandwiches.

And now, if there's nothing else...

What else?
There's nothing else.

I now pronounce you husband...

and wife.
You may kiss the bride.

No, he may not.

I'll do it.

I need you to understand that what
you're asking of me cheapens me

and it cheapens therapists everywhere.
I'm a professional.

And I can't take money
just to stroke your ego.

It is degrading,
and I will not do it.

We get it. You already told us
"no more compliments".

We're giving you $1,000
for the hour. Start rubbing.

Is this pressure okay for you?

Do me.