The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 3 - The Mole - full transcript

Richard, what are you doing?

Shower.
I didn't know you were here.

Well, I am.
Maybe you could knock.

And do a little man-scaping,
for God's sakes.

Sorry, but now that I'm not living
with new Christine anymore,

there's no reason
to clear the brush.

You know what?
I think it's time to move out.

Maybe, but...
where would you go?

You, Richard.

You do remember
that you do have a home?

My bachelor apartment?



I got rid of that
our fifth year of marriage.

I'm talking about the house
you bought with new Christine.

New Christine banished me.

She can't banish you.

It's not like me
and the Catholic Church.

I don't know. Sometimes the German
in new Christine takes over.

If you ever see her in braids,
run for your life.

Just do what we did
when we got divorced.

- Sleep with an Asian woman?
- What?

I'm saying
you should sell the house,

and then you divide the money.

Are you crazy?
In this market?

What happened in the housing market?

You miss one day
of reading the paper...



I don't know.
She loves that house.

You made the down payment.
She left you at the altar.

She's young and beautiful,
and you look like this.

You should make her pay.

I sort of appreciate your honesty.

- And thanks for letting me stay here.
- No. Don't do that. We're naked.

I completely forgot.

We're so used to each other, I can
stand here and not have sexual thought.

I sort of appreciate your honesty.

I'm just saying it's nice,

normal.

Plus, it's not like I'm seeing
something I've never seen before.

What is that?

It's called aging, Richard.

And you should talk with those yams.

No. There's something
under your boob.

Are you sure
it's just not more boob?

No, it's like a weird freckle or mole.
It doesn't look right.

I'm dying.

It's not fair.

What the hell?

Now you're excited?

Me dying gets you going?

Don't yell at me.
You'll only make it worse.

Synch : So.

I am having such a bad day.

Not me.

I got to open the gym by myself,
work all day by myself.

I haven't been
to the bathroom in ten hours.

I'm having a blast.

I'm sorry, Barb.
How was your day?

I went to the doctor,

and he...

would not see me.
Get this.

We are apparently no longer covered
by Bloom's health insurance.

Probably because
we're no longer owned by Bloom.

What are we supposed to do?
People can't go around

without health insurance.
This is America.

And 45 million people
don't have health insurance.

Man, you miss reading
the paper for two days.

Why isn't anyone talking about this?

Maybe because you get all your news
from Nicole Ritchie's blog.

She's interesting
because she's famous, Barb.

What is going on in this country?

I mean, apparently, something
is happening in the housing market,

doctors won't see you
without insurance,

and I've got a freckle,
and I'm dying.

Every month you think you're dying
or pregnant or going blind.

No, this is different.

It's right under my left breast.

Which is tender.

Oh, my God, I'm pregnant.

And I'm dying.

I'm not doing this.

What's gonna happen to Ritchie
if I die? Who's gonna clean him?

Who's gonna feed him?
Help him with his homework?

You don't do that now.

Maybe we shouldn't have left Bloom.
They took care of all the little things,

like insurance
and maintenance and utilities.

We shouldn't second-guess ourselves.

Really, we are better off without
that homophobic, corporate monster.

I'm blind.

And I'm pregnant.

And I'm dying.

- Richard, what are you doing here?
- I need to talk to you.

Come in.

Just so you know,
people know I'm here.

I'm remodeling a bathroom,
and if I don't show up in a year,

people will start to get suspicious.

Don't be silly. There's no reason
we can't act like adults.

- You made some changes to the place.
- Do you like it?

What's not to like?
A bunch of creepy dolls on my couch.

I didn't want people thinking
there was a man living here.

I don't think anyone
has ever thought that.

So what brings you by?

I thought it was time to figure out
what to do about the house.

- I'm living in the house.
- No, I know, but... long term.

Long term, I'm living in the house.

What about selling the house?

We'd lose money. Right now it's only
worth half of what we paid for it.

Maybe I could buy you out.

Two million dollars.

That's not fair.

This wouldn't be a 4 million dollar
house if you dipped it in gold,

put it in the middle of Manhattan
and filled it with 3 million dollars.

If life were fair, you would have paid
attention to me on our wedding day

instead of old Christine.

You're right.

That was wrong, and I am so sorry.

Although you shouldn't speak
too harshly about old Christine.

She might have cancer.

Oh, my God. What kind?

Under boob.

Under boob cancer?
Is that what her doctor called it?

Well, she hasn't
actually seen a doctor yet,

but I found this weird mole
on her in the shower.

Get out.

- We haven't decided on a fair price.
- Five million dollars.

The shower was a total accident,

and seeing old Christine naked
means nothing.

I didn't even get excited
until I found out she might be dying.

I want you out of here.

I'm not going anywhere.

This house is at least half mine.
You're being unreasonable.

I'm being unreasonable?

You just used your ex-wife's illness
to try to get your way.

You made me think she was dying...

of cancer.

Dying, Richard.

I'm going to have to ask you
to stop talking about this now.

Look at this place.
It's like an airport bar.

Why is it so crowded?

Because the hospital can't turn anyone
away, even if they don't have insurance.

None of these people have insurance?

When did this become a thing?

I'm gonna write a letter.

- To who?
- The newspaper.

What's the name of the newspaper?

America's top newspaper.

God, I can't wait here all day.
I've got to see a doctor.

Good luck.
I've been here 3 hours.

Look at your baby.

He's so cute.

How old is he?

Two hours.

I'm gonna die here.

You are not dying.

I wish people
wouldn't keep saying that.

It cheapens what I'm going through.
And I know you're scared,

but even in death,
I will be with you.

That's where my water broke.

Why is it every time I hang out
with you, I sit in something wet?

A doctor.
I'm not waiting.

Excuse me...

What do you think of this?

I've seen worse.

Thank you, doctor.

I'm not a doctor.
I'm a painter.

Well... still...

Thank you.

God...
Can you believe that guy?

That guy.

I cannot stand here
in this line all day.

I don't know how much time I've got.

Excuse me.
Are you a real nurse?

I need you to feel something...

right there.
Does that seem all right to you?

Nothing about this seems all right.

Llisten, I have a very scary
looking freckle right here,

and I need a doctor to look at it.

Stat.

- Fine. Let me see your insurance card.
- No, I don't have insurance.

But I do happen to know the law
and I know you're obligated to treat me.

You're right, that's the law. We are
obligated to provide a minimum of care.

Yes, you are.
Minimum of care.

Not cool, guys!

They dumped me.
Can you believe it?

I can't believe how many of
our conversations start out like this.

Apparently,

the hospital's definition
of "minimum of care"

is driving me downtown
and leaving me there.

I was the victim
of a death panel, Barb.

You've got to stop
watching Stephen Colbert

when you're half in the bag.

A bum saw my butt,
and danced a jig while I cried.

I can't believe how many of
our conversations end up like this.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do
about this health care crisis.

I'm gonna make a documentary.
I'm gonna expose them all.

- Who's "them all"?
- See the movie, OK?

But everybody is going down.
I'm naming names.

Name one name.

Tom.

There you are. What happened to you?
I've been so worried.

So worried that you stopped
for a box of fried chicken?

Hungry and worried.

- Did you get biscuits?
- What am I, stupid?

Excuse me.

I was in the hospital.

I laid on a stretcher
in a hallway for two hours

and then I fell asleep
and I woke up in the morgue.

Did you?

But I saw that painter again.

And he pretended he didn't know me.

And I never got a doctor
to see me. And...

I'm having a hard time.

Settle down. I called a friend of mine
from medical school, Glenn.

I do not have time
to date your friends.

I am dying.

I mean, all right,
I'll meet him for coffee.

No, he's doing
a dermatology rotation.

He said he'd see you.

- Is he good?
- She means handsome.

He's a guy.
I can't tell if he's handsome.

OK, he's gorgeous.
Emerald eyes.

But he's also a good doctor and he said
he'd take a look at you for free.

Thank you, Matthew.

You're saving my life.

And there's the biscuits.

You're still here?

And this is where I'm staying.
Because this is my house.

I made the down payment,
I laid the hardwood floors,

I built the garage apartment
that's not up to code.

This isn't funny anymore.
I want you to leave.

If you want me out of here, you're going
to have to physically remove me.

Fine.
You know I'm strong.

My mother
was in the German Olympics.

Stop it!

Stiffen up, stiffen up.

I know you're faking.

Are you faking?

I know you're faking.

Fine, I'm faking.

And guess what,
it's not the first time.

Please go away.

Never. I'm here to stay, and
there's nothing you can do about it.

I didn't want to do this.
I was hoping it could be amicable.

But if we're going to be living here,
I better introduce you to our roommate.

Please be a hot girl.

What's that?
Is that a cat?

Is that a real cat?

Get it out of here!
You know I'm allergic.

It's a German cat?

What did you want, mom?

My firstborn, my little man...

The love of my life.

Everything is okay. I just want
to talk to you, sweetheart.

Well, you're getting older, and...

I may not always be here.

So I wanted to...

pass on to you some of the things
that I've learned.

It doesn't matter...

who you vote for on American Idol.
It's rigged.

Make sure you always have
health insurance.

And if you're lucky enough
to find somebody that you love,

you make sure
that she has health insurance, too.

Or he...
You know, that's fine.

Make sure
that he has health insurance.

Although, you know...
if he is a he,

he probably already
does have health insurance,

because you people
are all so organized.

Can I go?

Matthew, is that you?

I was just going through
my bucket list,

and I passed my wisdom on to Ritchie

and now all I have to do
is lose 5 pounds

and sleep with an Asian man.

Relax. My friend's going to be
over here in a minute to examine you.

He's not Asian, is he?
I could kill two birds with one stone.

No, he is not Asian.
He is a gorgeous Caucasian man

with the most beautiful skin.

What is going on with me?

Glenn's here.
Please, do not embarrass me.

Glenn, this is my sister.
And Christine, this is Glenn.

When Matthew said you were Caucasian,
he wasn't kidding.

Had enough, Richard?

I'm perfectly comfortable.

If you get out of here right now
I won't rub this cat on your face.

That could kill me.

That doesn't bother me.

Drop the cat
or I rip the doll's head off!

That's right, bye-bye, dolly.

Come on, Richard,
you don't have the stomach for that.

Watch this.

It moved!
I swear that doll moved!

Forget it.

Take the house.

I'll live in my truck.

The air conditioning isn't working
and the radio is stuck

on a Christian rock station,
but I'll be fine.

I don't wanna do this either.

Before I hated you, I loved you.

I love you, too.

"Loved", Richard.

I didn't hear the "d".

There has to be something
we can figure out.

This is a big place.
There's room enough for both of us.

Do you think you could handle living
here without a romantic relationship?

Without cats?

Forget the cat.

It's not even mine.
It's the neighbor's.

You steal cats?

A lot has changed since you left.

Do you think you can handle living here
without a romantic relationship?

I don't see why not.

We can be friends and live in the same
house. I did it with old Christine.

- We're talking about Christine again.
- No, never. I hate her.

Don't say that.
She's dying, remember?

Yeah, I remember.

So Matthew tells me
you're a gym owner.

Yeah, gym owner...

Documentary filmmaker.

I'm about to blow the lid
off the health care industry.

But don't worry, you're safe.

I'm only going after
the ugly doctors.

Well, to tell you the truth,
only the ugly doctors are any good.

So it doesn't really look like
anything I've seen before,

but I also don't think you have
anything to be concerned about.

Gosh, that's a relief.

I'm just going to scrape a few cells
and send them to the lab to be sure.

God, cells...

Labs...

Scrape...

It's just a precaution. Trust me,
everything else looks great.

In fact, everything else looks...

really great.

Are you speaking
as a doctor or has a...

handsome man
with wonderfully warm hands?

Well, I'm not a doctor yet,
and those are your hands.

Actually, you know, I was a little
freaked out by this whole thing.

But I feel like...

you've given me my life back.
And...

I'm ready to start living.

I'm sorry.
That was totally out of line.

Don't be silly.

This is the reason
I'm becoming a doctor.

Good morning...

pretty partner.

What's up with you?

Are you drunk?

Not anymore.

You seem happy.

Are you pregnant?

Maybe.

But I don't have cancer.

My mole turned out to be
a piece of brownie.

It popped right off when I was
making out with my new doctor boyfriend.

A brownie?

And a doctor boyfriend.

But you know what, though,
seriously,

I'm glad that I went through this,
because...

I feel like I know
what's important now.

I mean, life can't all be work,
work, work.

I'd settle for just one "work".

So you're giving up
on your health care cause?

Let me tell you something
about his so-called health care crisis.

If every American
were willing to go to third base

with every premed student,
there'd be no crisis.

Now I actually want to see
your documentary.

I'm blind.

And I'm pregnant.

With a doctor boyfriend!