The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 2 - Burning Love - full transcript

Where's Richard?

I thought he was too depressed
to leave the house.

I had Matthew take him on a walk
to air him out.

It's been three days
since that wedding fiasco,

and he's still got that tux on.

Poor thing.
God.

It's just killing me
to see him like this.

You might want to try saying that

without that big gummy smile
on your face.

I can't help it, Barb.

I'm just not that sad
new Christine is out of the picture.



With no new Christine,
there's no old Christine.

There's no more comparisons to her.

No more Ritchie coming home asking me,
why does my bathing suit have a...

skirt.

Why does your bathing suit
have a skirt?

Don't make me show you.

We're back from our walk,
and someone is feeling much better.

You didn't mention
you-know-who even once.

- Who?
- New Christine.

I love her so much.

I can't stop thinking about her.

She was perfect in every way.

Everything reminds me of her.

Except you.



Is someone making garlic fries?

Then, you stink.

You need to get out of that tux.

I can't.
All my clothes are at the house.

I'm sure Christine wouldn't mind
if you went grabbed your stuff.

She must have cooled down.

She's cooled down.
She's cold.

She feels nothing for me.
You know what indifference means?

I do.

But I couldn't use it in a sentence.

It means it's over.
And it kills me.

Barb and I will go by the house
and get you some clean clothes.

We'll pick you up
a nice pair of khakis.

Maybe
your "bikini inspector" t-shirt.

I should probably get this tux back
to the rental place anyway.

I think that tux is yours.

It's enough feeling sorry for yourself.
It's time to snap out of it.

I can't.
I don't know how.

I do.

I didn't want to have
to resort to this but...

I think I know
what'll get you out of this funk.

How about if I let you...

... to my...

Then I let you...

... mouth.

I just feel like talking.

I'm out.

Synch : So.

Big news, pig-pen.

I was trying to think of a way
to cheer you up, and I started thinking

this is the first time since college

that we've both been single
at the same time.

Remember how much fun
we had back then?

So...
guess what I did.

I called the old gang. Everyone's
getting together tonight for drinks.

The old gang?

Everyone.
Candy,

bong hit, the douche.

And... guess what.
More good news.

Candy is single again,
and she asked about you.

She did?

Hot sticky Candy is single?

How come I get old Christine
and she gets hot sticky?

What if we compromise
and give you old sticky?

Last time we compromised,
we got Ritchie.

So, what do you think?
You wanna go?

I guess so.

The douche was always a good hang,
even though he was a bit of a douche.

That sounds like fun.
Thanks for doing that.

Sure. I just
wanna make you feel better.

This whole thing
has been really awful.

Try it again.

I mean, really awful.

Really... You know what?
I'm not gonna lie.

This is a good time for me.

This is going to be awkward.
I hate being around sad women.

You're a therapist,
and you live with Christine.

I've made some bad choices.

It's going to be fine. Just
don't mention Richard or the wedding.

- Keep it neutral.
- Right.

What are you guys doing here?
It's so good to see you.

That's good. We thought it might be
a little uncomfortable, because of...

- I said don't talk...
- So, you look great.

- Almost as good as you looked at...
- What did I just say?

I'm so sorry, but what am I
supposed to talk about

if I don't talk about
that horrible wedding?

He's made some bad choices.

You don't have to be uncomfortable.
I'm totally over it.

Of course,
we can talk about the wedding.

It was almost
the most special day of my life.

You want a piece of wedding cake?
I have so much.

Actually, we just came
to pick up some stuff for Richard.

Sure.
How is Richard?

He's a little down.

Why?

Because of your...
The whole...

You dumped his ass at your wedding.

Good grief.
He can't still be upset about that.

I'll wrap up some cake for him.

You seem really okay. It's kind of
remarkable. It's only been a few days.

These things happen.
Let me get that cake.

She is really taking this well.

When Pete and I split up,
I was so mad,

I peed in his range rover.

And then I won it in the divorce.

And then
you drove me over here in it.

Just be grateful
you didn't use Pete's golf bag.

Anyhoo...

I'm really worried
about new Christine.

And a little bit about you.

If she doesn't find a way
to process her feelings,

it'll manifest itself later
in an unhealthy way.

- Well, what do we do?
- You know what?

Let me work with her.

I've been around a lot of women
with unexpressed rage.

I've been around a lot of women
with expressed rage.

You better not be looking at me.

You're gonna pee
in my minivan, aren't you?

Here you go.

You're gonna like it. We must have
tasted 100 cakes before we picked this

from a tiny little bakery
up in San Francisco.

But what are you going to do?

- Yeah, what are you going to do?
- What do you mean?

You must have feelings
about everything that's happened.

- I don't.
- Really?

You just wasted the last four years
of your life on that guy.

I don't know that it was wasted.

When you met him,
you were 26 years old.

Now you're 30.
Trust me...

From a guy's perspective,
that's depreciation.

- I guess it is kind of a big deal.
- Big deal?

All your hopes and dreams
for the future are dead.

You're gonna have
to start all over again.

And at 30.

I don't even think Richard
would date a 30-year-old.

- I guess it was a little embarrassing.
- A little embarrassing?

You were humiliated in front
of all your friends and family.

And then I ran all over that church
looking for him.

- And where did you find him?
- In the rectory.

- With whom?
- Her.

Say her name.

- Old Christine.
- On your wedding day.

On my wedding day.

Who wants a drink?

You got her to start drinking.

That's always a good first step.

No matter how many times I do it,

it always feels good to heal.

Stop it.

You're as bad as Ritchie.
I had to sew his pockets shut.

I can't help it.
I had to borrow Matthew's pants.

They're so tight.

You really got to pick a side.

Let's find the old gang,
get this party started.

Is that them?

I don't know.

God, it's been such a long time.
I hardly recognize anybody.

Get your butts over here.

Why does that old man
know our names?

I think that old man is the douche.

It can't be.
He looks like Nick Nolte.

Did they come from the future
to warn us about something?

They're waving us over.

Run. They don't look
like they can catch us.

We're going over.

You guys made it.

Look at you guys.
You haven't changed a bit.

You... either.

I mean, just great.

Yeah, no change.
It's just...

It's shocking.

And I'm sorry, sir.

I don't know you, but I'm sure
you haven't changed, either.

It's me, Larry Babitz.

You were my senior advisor.

Don't I get a hug?

Is that you under there?

Come on, you guys, sit down.
I'll go get us some drinks.

You sit.
You look like you've had a long...

life.

Richard and I will get the drinks.

I got to get out of here.
I think I'm having a panic attack.

Alcohol!

Relax.
What is your problem?

Do you see them?

- It's the old gang.
- Yeah, the old gang.

The really old gang.
The old testament gang.

Calm down.
We're the same age.

We probably don't look
that great to them, either.

Don't say that.

What is the problem?

The problem is,

I was starting
to feel really great about myself.

I thought getting rid of new Christine
would solve my problem.

But new Christine
doesn't make me old.

I am old.

I'm old Christine.

- You have to calm down.
- Calm down? Would you look at them?

Doesn't that make you feel bad
about yourself?

You have to understand.

I'm just coming out of a relationship
with a much younger woman.

That made me feel old.

She didn't have to take fiber pills
or cholesterol pills

or sex pills or joint pills.

What's going on with you?

I wanna stay.

I think Candy was giving me the eye.

She wasn't giving you the eye.
She has glaucoma.

They didn't take care of themselves,
but they're our oldest friends.

Apparently we all survived
the Titanic together.

God, I can't do this.
This is too depressing.

Think of this:

- you'll be the hottest woman.
- All right, one drink.

What's she doing in there?

My teacher said

you have to give people permission
to express their anger.

We gave her permission,
she's expressing it.

We have done a good thing.

Here you go.

I have 50 bottles of this to kill.
We can each have our own.

I'd like to make a toast:
Richard is a son of a bitch.

That's great.
Healthy.

I'll go get his stuff for you.

She is right on track.

You did it. She's behaving
like a normal human being.

Don't act so surprised.
This is my life's work.

I've been at it
for almost nine months now.

I grabbed a few of his favorite things.
His high school basketball jersey.

His baseball cap collection.
His old man pills.

And finally, the thing he loves more
than he ever loved me,

his Fast And The Furious
fan club jacket signed by Vin Diesel.

He'll be happy to have those back.

No, we're going to burn
this mother up.

Still okay?

I think I need to call my teacher.

And then you came barreling out
of the dorm room

wearing only your underwear.

And Barb was chasing you

and you were screaming.

"Please, don't kill me!"

Those were good times.

They sure were, doll.

They really were.
I'm so glad that we all got together.

Where's bong hit?
Is he coming?

Yeah, where's bong hit?

No, don't worry.
I know he's married.

I'm totally over him.

Besides, I married Richard.
I won.

Bong hit's dead.

How?

Natural causes.

Went in his sleep.

That's how I wanna go.

Go?

Wait, where's everybody going?

Saddest part?

His grandkids
were the ones that found him.

That's so sad.

You probably
don't wanna be alone tonight.

That's terrible!

It happens to all of us.

And I've been afraid to ask:

where's Barb?

Is she still alive?

Yeah, of course she's alive.

Last time I saw her...

Can you believe it?

Bong hit is dead?

- We just saw him.
- Yeah, 23 years ago.

That's not possible.

- If I'm 35...
- It's 1997.

Shut up.

- I'm having a hard night.
- You're having a hard night!

Candy gave me a fake number.

I can't believe I just spent
three days sitting on a couch.

We should be living every moment.

Yeah, right?
I mean, you know what?

We are gonna be old like those guys.
And then it's going to be too late.

We are still young.
We are still vibrant.

And, you know, if I may say so,
we are great-looking.

You may say so.

We are great looking.

- We're in the prime of our lives.
- We didn't let ourselves go.

This may be the best
I've ever looked.

Let's not go crazy.

I'm just saying
we shouldn't be wasting this time.

- Wanna have sex?
- OK.

Let's have sex.

That was just a knee-jerk reaction.

I always just kind of throw it out there
whenever I see a woman is sad.

Or mad.
Or happy.

Or lost.

Why shouldn't we have sex?
I want to enjoy life.

I enjoy having sex with you,
so let's do it.

- Let's do it.
- OK, wait, wait.

I need just 15 minutes
of prep time, OK?

No, 30.

45.

I'll give you 15 and a dark room
with a slight buzz.

All right, deal.

No, that's not necessary.
I'll just call you when I'm ready.

Look who's off the couch.

Dudes, get out of here.
I'm doing something.

Boy.
Someone's feeling better.

He's calling us "dudes" again.

And he's dressed like Miley Cyrus.

Those are my clothes.

You can pull it off.

Tell him what you did
to new Christine.

What about her?

We went over there
to get your clothes,

and we may have inadvertently
made things a little worse for you.

How could it be worse?
I don't even exist for her.

Let me ask you this: how much
do you love The Fast And The Furious?

I love The Fast And The Furious.

We were concerned that perhaps
new Christine wasn't dealing

with her anger
over the breakup, but...

I can tell you're still thinking
about The Fast And The Furious.

It's just the perfect movie.

Richard, this is bad.
New Christine is pissed.

She burned your clothes,
she ran over your gameboy,

and she flushed your cowboy hat.

She did?

She's that mad?

I didn't think she cared.

Not anymore.
I've never seen anyone that mad.

- She hates you.
- Hates you.

I get it.

And I must say, when I found out
you had a cowboy hat...

kind of made me hate you, too.

I'm so sorry she hates you. I was just
trying to get her to admit her feelings.

This is fantastic.

- It is?
- Hate is so much better than apathy.

Hate is practically love.

Well, then she loves you.

I'm serious. It's a passionate feeling.
It means she still cares.

It means I might even
still have a chance.

I'm going over there.
I'm going to tell her how I feel.

I'm going to get her back.
Thanks, you guys.

You saved me.

Did you think that was
how that was gonna go down?

I have to be honest,
the crazy in this house

is way out of my league.

Ten minutes away!

Dudes, get out of here!
I'm doing something.

Now I know why you needed
that skirt on your bathing suit.

Get out!

What are you doing here?

I heard you were angry.

Angry doesn't begin to describe
how I feel about you.

Go on.

Shut up, Richard.
I hate you.

I wish I never met you.
I wish you were dead.

What are you smiling at, jackass?

You still love me.

How are you getting love from hate?
I curse the day I met you.

I can't believe I wasted
four years of my life with you.

Hate is the cousin of love.

Hate is the sister of murder.

Get off my property!

We're gonna have
some really great make-up sex.

I'm ready!

Ten more minutes!