The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 1 - Bahamian Rhapsody - full transcript

I took your advice
and I think I'm in love.

- I think I'm in love.
- I know I'm in love.

We're in love!

I had an amazing two-night stand

with an amazing guy,
and now I'm going home...

alone.

I'm an immigration officer...

and I think I have to arrest you.

I'm looking for Jeff Hunter.
I'm Sarah, his fianc?e.

Where is she?

Still not as bad as our wedding.



Do you think?

I really need to talk to you.

I can explain everything. Just
call me back, please. I love you!

Let me talk to her.
I can fix this.

Listen, if you're with your dad...

you tell him that no one

treats Christine Campbell that way.

Not no one, but...

everyone.

And tell him that I love him.

Give me the phone.

I know...

you're going through
something really big,

but if you're with your sister, tell her
I don't appreciate being led on.



- And that I really love her.
- Give me that.

Listen to me.

Great! You used up all the room
on her answering machine.

I'm gonna text her.

Then I'm gonna text her dad.

Then if I could
just text her sister.

I don't know why they left us.

Come here. Sit down.

I need to explain to you
what's going on.

It's complicated
grown-up stuff, so...

if you don't understand everything,
it's okay to ask questions.

You got dumped by new Christine.

Any questions?

Go upstairs,
get your stuff together.

You're going to grandma
and grandpa's for the weekend.

- Can I tell them for dad?
- I called them from the church.

Go change your clothes.

I hate this day!

Your weddings
are always bad luck for me.

It was worse for me.

No one has had a worse day than me.

Synch : So.

I don't know if I'm ready
to see her like this.

You know what they say:

God only gives you
what you're strong enough to handle.

I'll be strong.

- I'm done here.
- No, wait!

Are you okay?
What happened to you?

The guy I picked up at the wedding
was an immigration officer.

He's trying to ship me back
to the Bahamas.

That's horrible.

I had a bad time, too.

Papa Jeff is engaged!

Engaged?

After you wasted 15 minutes
of your life on him!

I feel guilty
even talking about being forced

to marry my cellmate
in a prison ceremony.

But he kissed me.

And that's not nothing!

I got kissed, too.

And that sure as hell
wasn't nothing.

All right, you win.

I have got to get you out of here.
Look what they're making you wear.

You look terrible.

These are my clothes.

Look at how they roughed you up.

They didn't.

Let's just move past this area.

I'm going to get you
the best lawyer.

I already talked to a lawyer.
It's possible they can get me papers,

but they're gonna send me
back to the Bahamas in the meantime.

I can't go back there.

Because of the pirates?

Yes, because of the pirates.

I am not going to let them
send you back there.

You are the most important person
in the world to me.

I need you to get on a plane
and go to the Bahamas.

You're gonna find
this guy named Bongo.

He used to work
for the State Department.

Now he sells weed
and gets people illegal visas.

At least he can buy me some time.

You can count on me.

I know in our relationship you're
the strong one and I'm the brainy one.

But I will not...

let you down.

I'm gonna pay for that tonight
in my cell.

Open the door.
I don't have my key.

I know you're in there.
I see your car.

You have to listen to me.

I don't care about old Christine.

I love you.

I want to marry you.

This was supposed
to be our wedding night.

It was supposed to be beautiful.

Right now we should be
flying off to our honeymoon...

making love in
the airplane bathroom...

You, squished
against that cold metal sink...

head pressed
against the "no smoking" sign.

OK, it wasn't gonna be
that great for you.

But I was really looking forward to it.
And you promised.

That's a vow you don't break!

I'm not leaving
until you talk to me.

I don't care how long it takes.

I'll wait for you!

Excellent.

Can I get a glass of wine?

We haven't even closed
the cabin doors yet.

Right.

Sorry. Just a bit of a nervous flyer,
and wine calms me down.

Helps me sleep.
Makes me happy.

But rules are rules, so I'll see you
when those cabin doors close.

Security took my wine.
What am I supposed to do?

Wait 15 minutes.

- What's all that stuff?
- Nothing.

Just a few travel essentials:
passport pouch,

neck pillow, pre-packaged snacks,

three ounces of hand sanitizer.

All I brought were two tampons
and shark repellent.

This is why you and I
have never vacationed before.

We're not on a vacation together.
We're on a mission to save Barb.

That may be, but it's no reason
not to be comfortable and moist.

You didn't bring a mister?

Apparently not.

Cabin doors are closed.
Bar's open.

How you doing?

Really?

You're gonna continue to romance me

even after you landed me
in the joint?

It's not the joint.
You're in a dorm.

You have cable and a mini fridge.

Are you always this dramatic?

Yes.
Especially in the sack.

Too bad
you're not gonna find that out.

I was doing my job.
I'm an immigration officer.

You shouldn't have told me.

We were sharing
intimate details with each other.

Like how you told me you had VD!

I don't have VD!

That's not what I wrote
in the bathroom.

I'm sorry. If I hadn't done anything
with that information you gave me,

I could have lost my job.
But I'm gonna help you get out of this.

I don't need your help.
I have friends on the outside,

and they are on it.

Can I have a bite?

No, you can't have a bite.
You made fun.

I can't help it. You're the strong one,
I'm the funny one.

I'm the smart one
and you are the hungry one.

Headphones?

I have.
I'll take some headphones.

Five dollars.

For a Jeremy Piven movie?

You should be paying me.

- And while you're here...
- Let me guess. Wine?

Wine.

That's a good idea.
I didn't think of that.

You sent a note to the pilot.

Yeah, just get it.

Six dollars.

For a glass of wine?

God, it's not a bottle.

I just gave you all my cash.

Then I guess you don't get any wine.

Why must you insist
on being so rude?

You don't know me at all,
but I am really stressed out right now.

My wife is being detained
and possibly deported,

and I could really use that wine.

Imagine if your wife
were in that situation.

Pardon me for assuming.
I don't think I'm going out on a limb,

given your achy-breaky hairdo
and your boxer-short panty lines.

What is his problem?

You must...

shut...

up.

I can't sleep.
I need a pillow.

- You have a pillow.
- No, I can't use that one.

I found a curly hair on it.
I almost threw up.

You should have brought
your own pillow like I did.

You can't inflate that life vest.
It's only for emergencies.

It was an emergency.
I found a curly hair on my pillow.

It's FAA regulations.

Give me that vest.

You give me that wine,
I'll give you the vest.

I'll take a beer!

That stewardess was awful.

I'm going to file a complaint
against her. She was openly rude to me.

You might want to leave out the fact

that you alternately referred to her
as a "waitress" and "sir".

- Please have your passports out.
- Got it right here.

Don't get it twisted all up
in your bra.

Dork.

Passport, please.

I think I left my wallet
and my passport

in the seat pocket on the plane.
So I just have to go back and get it.

You can't go back.

I have to go back.

My passport is on the plane.

Do you have your ticket?
Your ID?

It's all on the plane.

This is my waitress.

I think that I...

Sir?

Back.

Front.

Good morning, Christine!

That's right, I'm still here!

And I'm not going anywhere!

Except to pee.

Where do I pee?

Richard?
What are you doing here?

Where did you come from?
I thought you were inside.

I stayed at my mother's.

Well, it's good to see you.

I just came back
to check on the house.

My mom's waiting in the car.

Hi, Mrs. Hunter!

I guess she's not over it yet.

She's never going to be over it.

Seriously, if you hear tires
screeching, move out of the way.

I really need to talk to you.

And I am not leaving
until you hear what I have to say.

Fine.

I guess I'll water the herbs.
They look a little dry.

Come on out of the car, Mrs. Hunter.

Have some cilantro.

You can't keep me here forever.
I am a U.S. citizen.

And without ID,
I have no way of knowing that.

I'm entitled.
I'm obnoxious.

People hate me.
Where the hell else would I be from?

That's right.
This is America calling, my friend,

and you are going to be
in big trouble.

Help.

Christine, what's going on?

I'm in the Bahamas.

And it is a just...

beautiful country.

I just have one little problem.

My passport is missing

and I'm being detained
in immigration.

How quickly can you get down here?

I'm trying not to get down there!

Matthew's back!
He must have found Bongo.

I'll call you right back.
Everything is going to be okay.

Is everything going to be okay,
Matthew?

- So, where have you been?
- I found the beach.

Wait, you sat on the beach,
getting your hair braided

while I was here, rotting in prison?

Had to gather information.

- So, what did you find out?
- Bongo doesn't live here anymore.

That's a good movie title.

So, you didn't help at all?

I'm sorry. I tried.

I'm just... so stoned.

- Why are you laughing?
- "Bongo doesn't live here anymore."

I've got to get out of here
if I'm going to help Barb.

It's time to pull out
the secret weapons.

I thought they banned those
during the Cold War.

In Europe, you know,
men worship this kind of body.

You know we're not in Europe, right?

It doesn't matter where we are,

as long as they are fluent in boob.

... and so, that's it.

I love you and I promise,
if you take me back,

you will never regret it.

I really, really want to.

Really?

That's great.
Maybe we can rebook the church.

But I'm over you.

Over me?

Our wedding was yesterday.

I'm still in the tuxedo.

I don't live in the past.

Yesterday.

12 hours.

Sorry.
I made up my mind.

And once I'm done, I'm done.

That's why you've never heard
about my past boyfriends.

It's because they don't exist
for me once I'm through with them.

I can even sit through a Colin Farrell
movie and feel nothing.

You dated Colin Farrell?

Nothing.

That's it?

We're through?

It was nice seeing you, though.

What are you doing?

Marking time.

You lose track of it in here.

I'll help you out.
You've been here one day.

I brought this for you.

I don't want your gifts.

Wait, what are those, truffles?

Maybe I can trade them
for the top bunk.

My prison wife is a big girl.

- Why do you keep bringing me stuff?
- Because I feel terrible.

I'm going crazy trying to figure out
how to get you out of this.

Even if you married a man
to stay in the country,

- I could have looked the other way.
- Well, no men were offering.

That's hard to believe.
I bet there are a lot of guys

who would be willing
to be in a fake marriage with you.

I'd fake propose to you in a minute.

- You would?
- Of course.

You're funny,

beautiful,

and crazy.

You're my perfect woman.

And you'd be my perfect man
if you didn't have VD.

I don't have VD.

See?

I think there's a way
I can help you.

I think I have the same idea.

I start a small fire in my cell.

When the commotion breaks out,
you run in and shoot me in the leg.

That gets me in the infirmary.

- I'm not going to shoot you.
- Why not? You said you wanted to help.

Because I don't have a gun.

And... I like you.

I like you too...

jackass.

Barb, you're here!

Matthew, we did it!

You didn't do anything.

She did some things.

Yeah, things I'm not proud of.

Things she's a little proud of.

Things I'm a little proud of.

How'd you get out?

Dave said if I married a man,
I could stay in the country.

So, I got engaged.

You are engaged to Dave?

No, I like Dave.

She's engaged to me.

My life is over.

We did it.