The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 4, Episode 22 - Love: A Cautionary Tale - full transcript

- Okay,Ritchie,you look great.
- Cool.

Just remember,don't get lured
into any ventriloquist's vans.

***missing*** handsome!

Wow,and you look like
a marshmallow Peep.

Look at this bridesmaid's dress.

Can you believe that stupid
New Christine did this to me?

Can you believe my stupid sister
made me wear this hideous dress?

It looks good on you.

Hang on just a second.

- Uh,Ritchie,I want you to go upstairs
and brush your teeth. - I already did.

Did you?



- No.
- Okay. Up.

Uh,Matthew,it's a little
inappropriate for you

to have a woman spend
the night in this house.

Why,because you don't have a date?

Yeah,it makes me feel bad.

Sorry.

So,I'll,uh,meet up
with you at the wedding?

You will be easy to find.

Come on!

That makes me feel bad!

What are you doing here?

It's bad luck to see your
ex-wife on your wedding day.

It was bad luck to see you
on my first wedding day,too.

I spent the night at a hotel last night.



New Christine thought it
would be romantic for us

to abstain from sex for a while.

Build up the sexual tension
for the wedding night.

- How long has it been?
- 12 hours.

I can beat that by a mile.

Can you believe I'm
getting married today?

I know. I'm happy for you.

Really?

I'm glad we found you a good home.

Otherwise,I'd have to put you down.

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you.

You really taught me what
not to look for in a woman.

I'm going to miss this.

We'll always have this.

Really? You couldn't wait?

It's been six hours.

- I thought you said 12 hours.
- There was a phone call.

It's been 12 hours for me.

Richard,we've got to get going.

We have so much left to do, I don't
know how we're gonna pull this off.

Relax. I'm your maid of honor.

That's what I'm here for.
What do you need me to do?

I still need something
old,new,borrowed and blue.

Uh,okay.

Oh,old... new...

borrowed...

Blue.

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Sync: YTET-????

The New Adventures of Old Christine
S04E22

Oh,wow. This is really happening.

Yes. You're stepping inside a
church,and the walls aren't weeping.

Yeah,I know,right?

- Okay,so,Ritchie,you go down to the Sunday School room with the other kids,okay?
- Okay.

And watch your mouth.

Oh,and don't sign us up for anything.

- Yeah. See ya.
- Bye.

Have you seen Amy?
Oh,is that her? Wait.

Oh,God,she's talking to a
guy. Oh,wait,that's not a guy.

Ah,then that's not her.

Matthew,for God's sakes,relax.

You're going to scare
this poor girl off.

I know. But she's so great.

Okay,you need to listen to me,all right?

Weddings get people all riled up.

I mean,it's easy to get
swept away by the romance,

but you have got to keep
your feet on the ground.

You're giving me relationship advice?

Well,do you know anyone

who has failed at more
relationships than I have?

I mean,I've made every
mistake in the book.

Think of me as a cautionary tale.

I know all the pitfalls of romance,

and I can tell you right now,

being overeager is a sure way to scare
off any woman that you're interested in.

So,just be cool.

No,I got it. I got it.

Oh,there she is! Amy,hi! I'm here!

No,wait there! I'll come to you!

Barb,I didn't know
you were a bridesmaid.

Damn it,I'm not.

I'm going home and change.

Oh,no,you can't. I
need you to stay with me.

- You're my date.
- I don't want to be your date.

I'm tired of coming
to these things alone.

I wanto fa in love.

Since when do you want to fall in love?

Since always. I'm just not good at it.

I'm good at flings,I'm good at flirting.

How you doing?

But I don't know how to turn that
into more than one night,and I'm ready.

Okay,well,I'll tell you how;

you just have to open
yourself up a little bit.

You don't have to act so tough,you know?

Men like soft. Men like vulnerable.

And what do you know
about what men like?

I'm a cautionary tale,Barb,okay?

And I'm telling you,I've
known you your whole life.

- You don't let people in.
- I let people in.

No,you're too busy being all
"You want some of Mama's sugar,

you better bring your own spoon!

" I'm gonna hurt you,Christine.

Yeah,exactly. See?
You put up that wall.

You put up that wall of sass.

I'm gonna throw you
through my wall of sass.

Exactly. See? It's hard
for people to get to know you.

Well,maybe I should be more like you.

Maybe I should put up a
wall of white desperate.

"Uh,pardon me,sir...

"M-May I interest you in a
glass of Chardonnay and a...

a trip down Crazy Lane?

I don't do that.

Okay,okay,Barb,all I'm
saying is just try it,okay?

Try not making everything a joke.

Try,try sharing something about
yourself with another human being.

Like... like that guy over there?

Okay. He's cute.

Yeah,okay.

How you doing?

- I-I mean,hello.
- Hello.

M-May I interest you in
a glass of Chardonnay?

Uh,well,the wedding
hasn't even started yet,

so I don't think we're
supposed to drink the wine.

Never mind.

Uh,I was going to see if
I could find some coffee.

Would you,would you like to join me?

Oh,uh,oh,okay.

But if you want some sugar,

you gonna have to bring your own spoon.

I don't know what that means,but okay.

Blue.

- Christine?
- Papa Jeff?!

What are you doing here?

Uh,my daughter's getting married.

Oh,that is wild. My
ex-husband is getting married.

To my daughter.

Oh,right. No!

New Christine's father. Yes.

For some reason I always
manage to block that part out.

Well,it is so good to see you.

You,you,you look like a ray of sunshine.

Oh,thank you. That is so sweet.

Yes,because of the dress,right.

These are still good.

Sp what's been going on
with you since we broke up?

We didn't really break
up. You dumped me.

What's been going on with
you since you dumped me?

Oh,I don't know.

I've become a cautionary tale.

Well,it suits you. You
look good. You look great.

Well,thank you.

You look so great,too,you do.

Just...

Give me another hug!

- Daddy.
- Oh,there's my baby girl.

Oh,okay. There's my big papa.

No,okay.

The minister wants to give you your cue

for walking down the aisle.

Christine,are you done with him?

Oh,I barely touched him.

I just got here.

- I'll,uh,I'll see you later.
- Okay.

Wouldn't mind walking
him down Crazy Lane.

Mm,man,this is going to be a long day.

Oh,you have no idea.
They wrote their own vows.

And Richard's doing a
monologue from Jerry Maguire.

You like dares?

I think I proved last night I do.

Okay,you,uh,you see
that woman over there?

That's my Aunt Iris.

When I introduce you, I want you to kiss
her full on the lips for three seconds.

That's no problem. I can do that.

Then you see the guy
standing next to her?

I dare you to kiss him full
on the lips for three seconds.

- My Uncle Frank?
- Oh,sorry. No,that's not right.

Oh,no,I'll do it.

In fact,I'll do it for four seconds.

Take it easy. This is how
we got in trouble last night.

Richard remodele my
bathroom for me,yeah.

When you spend two years with
someone, you develop a bond.

And then after the lawsuit, we
actually became good friends.

So what about you? Tell
me something about yourself.

Something about me?

Okay,uh,well,you may recognize me

as the spokesperson
for the color yellow.

But seriously,I just happened

to buy the same dress
as the bridesmaids.

And what is the deal with
the bridesmaid dresses?

Hey,you're my best friend.

" I need you to dress
up like a satin canary.

" But I tell ya,it's
weird being in church.

My favorite part of the
church is the rectory.

You know,some girls aren't
comfortable with the rectory.

Whoa,whoa,uh,all right.

Do you want to collect
my cover charge now,

or after I get my two drinks?

I'm sorry. Bad habit.

When I get nervous,I
put up a wall of sass.

I got divorced a year ago,and
I'm not great at meeting men.

Well,you don't have
to be nervous with me.

There's no pressure.

I already think you're cute.

So,how long were you married?

12 years. Eight good ones.

o sad ones. Two mad ones.

Well,at least you had eight good ones.

I was married for 14 years.

12 mad ones,one sad one
and one really messed up one

when we decided to give
open marriage a try.

Wellshe did.

We live...

in a cynical world.

A cynical,cynical world.

And we work in a business
of tough competitors.

I love you,Christine.

- You complete me.
- Oh,boy.

Well,it's better than the Brian's
Song monologue you read at our wedding.

What's going on?

Why did I break it off with Papa Jeff?

The clue is in the
question you just asked me.

No,I know he's New Christine's
father,but,I mean,is that really so bad?

Is it really a reason
not to love someone?

Love? You love Papa Jeff?

Well,don't sound so surprised.

I think I was falling in love
with him when I dumped him.

But,I mean,maybe I've grown enough

in the past couple of years to
be in a relationship with him.

I think I want to give it another try.

I'm tired of being a cautionary tale.

I think it's great.

I'd love to see you happy.

Oh,Richard.

Again?

We were just talking
about Christine's growth.

Yeah,in hindsight I should have
gone with a more forgiving cut.

Richard,I need you out there.

There's still a million things to do

and I have to get into my wedding dress.

Of course,I'm all yours.
And I know my vows by heart.

Better not be from Top Gun.

Of course not. That's insulting.

Daddy,do you think you can find
a way to entertain Old Christine?

- I'll give it my best shot.
- Thanks.

So,can't wait to see how
you're gonna entertain me.

Well,I wish I had known
this was coming up,

I would have brought my banjo.

Well,I guess we'll have to
just think of something else.

Oh,hey,I have an idea.

So,what's your idea?

Uncle Frank,Aunt Iris,I'd like
you to meet my friend,Matthew.

It's very nice to meet you,Aunt Iris.

How you been,Uncle Frank?

Nice seeing you again.

Well,I look forward to
seeing more of you... later.

Hey,what are you doing?

Whatever Amy tells me to.

Christine! I took your advice.

And I think I'm in love.

I think I'm in love!

Oh,I know I'm in love.

Oh,my God! We're all in love.

We're in love! We're
in love! We're in love!

Thanks for coming.

It's great to see you again.

Hey,how are you?

No idea who any of these people are.

Richard,I did it. I went
for it with Papa Jeff.

- In the rectory?
- Oh,gross,Richard. We didn't get that far.

- Excuse me?
- Great to see you again.

Wow,you have not changed.

We've never met.

I-I'm looking for Jeff
Hunter,father of the bride.

Oh,no,don't tell me
you're another daughter.

No,I'm Sarah,his fianc\e.

Yeah,I thought I was
going to have to work today

but my schedule changed,so,here I am.

Here you are.

Okay,you ready to make this interesting?

More interesting than your Aunt
Iris slipping me the tongue?

Yeah,I'm gonna have an awkward family
reunion with my Uncle Frank,too.

Okay,dare number two:

I want you to go up in
that balcony and play

"Mary Had A Little Lamb"
on the church organ.

- I don't play the organ.
- Then it will be perfect.

All right,then I want you to eat
a large piece of wedding cake.

- Easy!
- Now. Before the wedding.

Oh... I'm going to
be in so much trouble.

Well,then it's perfect.

- Christine?
- Richard,what are you doing?!

You're not supposed to
see me. This is bad luck.

I'm sorry. It's an emergency.

Have you seen Old Christine?

Are you kidding me?

You ruin the surprise of me in my dress

because you're looking
for your ex-wife?

Don't look at me!

Well,don't look at her!

Look,I'm sorry,but
Christine's having a crisis.

You're kidding. Christine's in crisis?

I can't imagine it. That's
never happened before!

Did you know your dad was engaged?

No,do you know that you're engaged?

Of course,and I can't
wait to get married,

but first,Christine needs me.

Richard,I need you.

I am asking for one day where I'm
the most important thing in your life.

- Of course you're the most...
- Don't look at me!

I just need a minute.

You can't go now,the music's starting.

What the hell?

Listen,listen,you figure out the music.

I'll be back in time for the real thing.

Richard,please don't go.

I'll be right back. I love you.

There you are.

They're about to start the ceremony.

I know that because they're
playing the traditional

Mary Had A Little Lamb processional.

Oh,were you looking for me?

'Cause somebody was looking for you.

She thought she had to work
today,but her schedule changed.

- What?
- Your fianc\e is here.

Congratulations. You have a fianc\e.

Christine,I was going to tell you.

Really? When? Before or after
you nailed me in the rectory?

Okay,you're mad. And dirty.

I felt something for you.

And I felt something for you,too.

And before I knew what was happening,

you were kissing me and I liked it.

I always have liked it.

Well,you should've told me.

I didn't want to stop,and
now I don't know what to do.

Christine,are you okay?

Fine,I just want him to leave.

Okay,uh,look,this is
a little awkward for me

seeing that you are about
to be my father-in-law,

but if you don't get
the hell away from her

I'm going to have to kick your ass...

Dad.

You may not believe this...

but I wasn't trying to
get away with anything.

In fact,if I thought I
had a chance with you,

I would break off the engagement.

Or at least push back the wedding date.

- And that way...
- Get out. Get out.

Come on,let's go.

I'll see you in a minute.

...so,then my reaction,of
course,was,Oh,so that's an orgasm.

Okay,the walls are down.

Well,actually,there's one more thing
that I should probably mention.

I hope it doesn't weird
you out,but I'm married.

What?

I sat here for two hours
listening to every boring detail

of your life and you're married?

I'm married to Christine.

But it's a sham,I'm
completely available.

Oh,great stories,by the way.

I was born in the Bahamas,so
when Pete and I got divorced,

my citizenship status changed

so I married Christine
to stay in the country.

Which,as it turns out,doesn't work.

So,I'm kind of here illegally.

Okay,that's everything.

Tell me about you.

Well,I work for the INS.

Don't worry,I still pay my taxes.

No,I'm an immigration officer.

And I think I have to arrest you.

How you doing?

Mmm,this cake is incredible.

My sister's going to kill
me,but it is so worth it.

This is the most fun
I've er had at a wedding.

What are we going to do tomorrow?

Oh,well,I don't know about you

but tomorrow I gotta fly back to London.

I have to work the next day.

You're leaving so soon?

I was hoping we could spend
some more time together.

When are you coming back?

I'm not coming back.

I live there. I work there.

My life is there.

Uh,well,I just started
my therapy practice

but I guess I could do
phone sessions from London.

Uh,Matthew...

I think we might have
a misunderstanding.

I don't think so.

Uh,I'm thinking we're a couple at
the beginning of our relationship.

We should spend as much time together

as possible to see where this is going.

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking that I had
an amazing two-night stand

with an amazing guy
and now I'm going home.

Alone.

Well,that is really different
from what I was thinking.

You better get out there. It
sounds like they're about to start.

What about you?

I'm just going to hang here for a while.

I'll be fine.

I'm not getting married without you.

Oh,Richard,come on.

You don't need me. Go. Be happy.

I'll be fine.

No. You're my best friend.

I'm not going out there
until you come with me.

Don't be ridiculous.

All right,I guess you're
not getting married today.

All right,fine.

Man,this is the second time

I have to reluctantly walk
down the aisle with you.

- Where are you going?
- To the beach.

Where is she?

Come on,come on,come on.

Still not as bad as
our wedding. Too soon?