The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 4, Episode 21 - The Old Maid of Honor - full transcript

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You know you're marryinga blonde when..."



Oh, come on, Matthew.
Don't be such a bummer.

You're gonna ruinmy big day.

This isn't your big day

any more than any of ourbirthdays are your big day.

Oh, really?My brother'sbirthday isn'tmy big day?Come on!

Leave her alone,Matthew.

This is gonna bea tough weekend for her.

What? How do you figure?

Your ex-husband's getting married; you're alone.

stop it!

I hate it when peoplefeel sorry for me.

All right, first of all,get over yourself.

All right?I'm not sad.

And second of all,I'm not alone.I happen to have a hot date.

You have a hot date?.

Is he hot in the same wayyour toast is funny?

Yes. And my toastisfunny.

And Todd Watski's my date.You know, that parentfrom school?

I thought you saidhe was a jackass.

He is.

Or he's sexy.

I can't decidewhich one it is.

-It's a fine line.
-Is it?

Well, it took me 13 years to figure it outwith Richard.

-And what did you decide?
-Oh, sexy.

What do you think?Pretty nice,

I'll say. Better than ourrehearsal dinner,

which was basically our family screaming "Don't do it!"

while we atea bucket of chicken.

Well, money's no objectfor me now.

Literally. I have none.

Christine's familypaid for everything.

They offered to give methe cost of the wedding in cash,

plus one round-trip ticket to France if I didn't get married.

-But I chose Richard.
-thank you.

Well, that one's gonnabite you in the ass.

Hey, best man,you just lost your speech.

Hey, Richard,if you want, I can go long on my speech.

It's that good.

I love it!

Hey, Richard,

what's the deal with your grooms men? I'm looking to hook up here,

but your friendsare a bunch of ugs.

That troll over there should beliving under a bridge.

Well, you've stillgot Chuckles.

no, thanks.I've been on that ride.

And it was good!

You know, I-I don't care.I'm done with love.

In fact, I'm donewith this wedding.I'm gonna go waitin Christine's car

and listento "Alone Again Naturally"until my ears bleed.

Disc four, track two.

Wait. You can't go.You have to meet my half-sister Amy.

She's fantastic.

She lives in London,and she's cool and smart,

and I think you twowould totally hit it off.

Dude, she is smoking hot.

If I wasn't with New Christine...I'd be sad.

I'm gonna go find Amy.You can give up on love after you meet her.

-All right, I'llbe at the bar.
-I'll go with you.

That guy over there'snot half bad.

I'm gonna drink untilhe's only a quarter bad.

Richard, you can go socialize.My boyfriend'll be here any minute.

Oh, I didn't realize you two were so serious.

I thought he was just your imaginary date.

I didn't realize he was your imaginary boyfriend.

He's just runninga little late.

Yeah, I heard on the news there was a lot of traffic

coming in from the land of imagination.

Is he taking the 4-0-Pretendor the 1-0-Doesn't-Exist?

He's not imaginary.Why would I make him up?

I don't know. Pride?

Oh, please. You of all people should know I have no pride.

I'm just saying, if this is hard for you, I understand.

You know what, why don't you just blow it out your...

There he is.OK

If you'll excuse me,I'm going to go greet him

and live happily ever after.

-Hi, Todd.
-Christine!

Honey, I am sorry I'm late.

Oh, no problem.

Boy... you're the best-looking lady in the room.

-thank you.And you are a sexy...
-top two...

...jackass.

So, what's your deal?

Not there yet.

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

It's now time for one of the evening's many surprises.

Thank you, Christine.

so... so funny.

No, not yet.

That was just a little taste of what we have in store.

But right now,

it's time for a brief slideshowI put together,

documenting mine and Richard'slives in photographs.

It's 45 minutes long,so if you'd like to get a refreshment,

please do so now.

In two minutes,we will be showing,

Richard and Christine:Two Lives, One Love:

A Photo Journeyof a Special Couple on Their Special Day.

In Love.

Excuse me, can youmake me something that'll numb my brainfor 45 minutes?

Do I look like the bartender?

Only in thatyou're tending the bar.

The bartender went on a break.

Right beforethe 45-minute slideshow?That guy's got to be fired.

Yeah, no kidding.

Fortunately, I have the antidotetoTwo Lives, One Love.

Two drinks, one glass.

Well, can you make me one of those?

Do I look like a bartender?

Wow, you're feisty.

Okay. Let mesave you some trouble.

I- I'm not lookingfor small talk.I'm not lookingfor clever banter,

and I'm for sure not lookingto have a wedding hook-up

with a random strangerover watered-down drinks.

I'm here because I have to be,so if you're looking to get laid

I suggest you look elsewhere.

There's a,gigglingbrunette woman in a tight dress

who seems pretty desperate;maybe try her.

n-no, no,I- I'm not looking to hook up.

I want to getthe hell out of here, too.

I'm only herebecause I'm the best man.

Oh, wait. You're Matthew?

I'm Amy,Christine's half-sister.

-Wait, you're kidding me.
-I know, we're different.

My mom smoked cigaretteswhen she was pregnant with me.

Your-your sister was tryingto set me up with you.

Oh, I hate itwhen she does that.

Don't worry.I am completely done with love.

Well, me, too--I am dead from the heart down.

So, can I getone of those drinks?

Do I look like a bartender?

Thanks.

Wait, wait, wait,come back.Let me graba couple more.

Not that one,not that one...

Too much blanket,not enough pig.Okay, here we go.

Did you manage to touchall of them?

I stayed away fromthe cheesy ones.

I want to keep the breathrelatively fresh

just in case they playa make-out song.

Oh, hey, Richard.Hi.

Hi. I'm Richard. I don'tthink we've officially met.

-Todd.
-Fist bump. Nice.

So, tell me, Todd,what brought youand Christine together?

She called me last night and saidshe really need to bring a date.

Oh, no, that'snot the whole story.

How you didn't haveMr. Harris's number?

Oh, no! No.How I've beenthinking about you

ever since we ran intoeach other at the school

a couple of monthsago, and,

how I'd wanted to ask you outearlier,

but I was just,you know too shy

Really?

Yeah. Sure, sweetie.

Wow. Looks like I just gotupgraded to a sure thing.

Hey, Rich, is that an open bar, or dowe have to pay?

Wide open.

-Up high.
-Down low, too slow.

Hurry back, sweetie.

What?What are you smiling about?

I think I solved the riddle

about whether he's sexyor a jackass. Hee-haw.

So, what were you and NewChristine like growing up?

Well, she was a cheerleader,and I had leukemia.

Wha-What?

I'm kidding.

I'm sorry. I havea very dark sense of humor.

Wow. You're not givinga toast, are you?

No, my family doesn't thinkI'm hilarious.

I'm funny as hellin London, though.

Hey, Matt.You gonna hit that?

Let me know.

What was that?

It was some jackass thatmy sister's dating.

I'm sorry about that.That was completely out of l...

What a question!Am I gonna hit that?

Yeah! I mean, who says that?

A- And why would he makethat assumption?

I mean, you never even saidyou wanted to hit this.

No, no, of course,I'd love to hit that.

Well, and I'd loveto have it hit.

If we're not both talkingabout the same thing

I'm gonna be really embarrassed

when I ask you to join mein the coatroom.

Love to.

Okay, everyone,please find a seat.

I'm pleasedto present...

Richard and Christine:Two Lives, One Love:

A Photo Journeyof a special couple On Their Special Day.

In Love.

So how you doing?

Still not there.

The year was 1963.

A nation mourns as PresidentKennedy is assassinated.

and Richard Eustace Campbell IIIis born.

Why don't you just admitthe guy's an ass.

You know what?You have some nerve.I don't criticizeyour date.

-My date?
-Yes.

You mean my fiancée?You criticize herall the time.

No, I don't.Okay,

and even if I did,she'd be too youngand stupid to realize it.

You know what? I am donewith this conversation.

If you can'thandle the fact that I have thisgreat boyfriend,

that is your problem.

It's okay to admitthis is hard for you.You're being ridiculous.

Okay, I'll tell youwhat's ridiculous.

I think I'm fallingin love with him.

And here we are in 1978.The Bee Gees top the charts

and young Richard Campbelltries his first beer.

While down in San Diego, thestork delivers a new Christine.

And the two of them,were soul mates.

Big deal. I alsohave a soul mate.

Todd Watski ismy soul mate.

And five years later,

Richard has a boomingconstruction business.

And New Christine was hoppingto her first Easter egg hunt.

-I love you, Richard.
-I love you too, sweetie.

-I love you, Todd.
-All right.

eenjoyed the slideshow.

And just to clarify somethingabout the slideshow:

When I was in college and shewas three, I didn't know her.

We didn't start datinguntil she caught up to me.

All right, I'm giving up.

There's not enough liquor in theworld to drink these guys handsome.

I'm one shot away frommy liver shutting down

and three shots awayfrom that guy being cute.

How you doing?

Richard thinksTodd's a jackass.

It's so obviouswhat's going on.

That Todd's a jackass?

No. I mean, yeah, he'sa little bit of a jackass,

but I mean, it's so obviousthat Richard is jealous.

Richard's jealous, or...

Envious?

Look, Christine,this can't be easy for you,

watching your ex-husbandget remarried.

Maybe you're trying to show up Richardwith Todd because you're angry with him.

What?Why would I be angrywith Richard?

I'd like to just take thismoment to say how grateful I am

to have met thisperfect woman.

Christine, you arethe love of my life.

So what?I love Todd.Where is that dreamboat?

Are you okay?

Yes, I'm okay.Stop asking me if I'm okay.

Why wouldn't I be okay?I'm in love.

Honey, feed mea bite of food.

Why?

It's romantic.

hot.hot.hot.

Hey, you might not wantto get that close to me.

That spinach pie isdoing a number on me.

We're bringing sexy back.

Wow, that was fun.

You know, I wasn't sureabout you, but you're great.

Wait, wait, wait.Hold on just a minute.

Oh, all of the sudden,you're shy?

Ten minutes ago you were fishingaround my pockets on the dance floor.

No, no, I just wantto be respectful.

I mean, Richard and NewChristine are still dancing,

and they can't even see us.

Why would you wantthem to see us?

I don't know.Makes it kind of hotter.

Oh, he's looking.Okay, kiss me.

Wait. Are you using me

to try and prove somethingto your ex-husband?

No, no. I mean, it's importantthat Richard sees that I'm happy

and you're the tool to do that.

I mean, no, not that you're a tool.

You're great.

You know, I was really startingto like you, Christine,

and with all thepawing and kissing

and telling me you love me,I thought you liked me, too.

Oh, come on.If you liked me so much,

why were you beingsuch a jackass?

Jackass? That'smy personality.

Oh, sorry.

You know,you got a lot of nervecalling me a jackass.

I think someone elseis the jackass.

Richard.

I'm out of here.You hurt my feelings.

And I'm not going to stickaround here to make you look good.

Todd, wait, wait.

No, no, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean tohurt your feelings.

Really, I'm nota terrible person.

I'd fe horrible ifyou leave here hating me.

Come on. What can I doto get you to stay?

Oh, my God!I'm a mother!That's disgusting.

And a little flattering.

But you know what,get out of here, all right?

You're a jackass.

If everyone could pleasetake your seats,it's time for the toasts.

Has anyone seenmy best man?

I'm lookingfor him, too.I want to introduce himto my sister.

I think they mayhave already met.

She lost her...

Yeah, he was helping mefind my...

-And then she grabbed my...
-Yeah, we shouldjust leave it at...

-Are you readyto give your toast?
-Oh, yeah, sure.

Try not to suck the life out of the room.

Now I'd like to bring upMatthew, my best man.

He's going to saya few humorless words about the futility of love.Matthew.

Uh, you know, when I got here I was feelingpretty down on love.

But now, I'm feelingpretty good.

Good luck, Richardand New Christine.

And now, it's thepart of the night that we've all beenlooking forward to.

The maid of honor speech.

Christine? Christine?

Christine, everyoneis waiting for you.It's timefor your speech.

My speech.

I can't do it, Barb.

-What are you talking about?
-I have to go.

I've got to get out of here,all right? Todd left me.

Congratulations.That guy was an ass.

Do you mind if I date him?

Do whatever you want, okay?

I just can't go back in there.It's too embarrassing.

But it's not too embarrassingto take someone else's coat?

I can't find my coat,all right?

Besides, they expect that.

Everyone's supposedto take a coat and a centerpiece.

You can't leave.You're the maid of honor.

I don't care.

I don't want people lookingat me and feeling sorry for me.

Christine, wait.

Get...off my coat.

It's not your coat.And you're not leaving.

Christine, this nightis not about you.

Well, then who is it about?

Damn it. When is itgoing to bemyday?

Hey, lip stuff.

See, every stolen coathas a silver ling.

Now, you need to get up thereand give your speech.

No, they don't wantto hear my speech.

In reviewing it, I realized it mightbe a little more mean than it is funny.

Well, you're going to have to goup there and say something else.

Why am I alwaysthe hero?

Stinging.

I don't think thatwas lip stuff, Barb.

Get up there, crazy.

Oh, re she is.

Christine, it's timefor your speech.

Where's your boyfriend?

Oh, I, uh, sent him backto the land of jackass.

Oh, no. What happened?

Oh, nothing.He's good. We're good.We broke up.

No, no, no.He wasn't right for me.

I just asked him here because

I didn't want to come aloneto my ex-husband's wedding.

Oh, no, no.

I'm-I'm happy thatRichard is getting married.

He found the love ofis life,

and, she's young and beautiful...

and they're happy together.

It's okay. I'm fine.

I mean, okay,

This is a little hardfor me, but,

this night isn't about me.

Richard,

you're my best friend

and, the father of my child,

and, we've been throughso much together.

And the fact that you havefound somebody to love isn't sad for me.

I don't, I don't know ifI'm ever going to find anyone,

but, um, I-I'll be happy knowingthatou two found each other,

even if I spend the restof my life alone.