The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 4, Episode 20 - He Ain't Heavy - full transcript

Do these pts look weird?

You're wearing pants?

I don't know what's going on.Last week,they fit perfectly.

Christine,did you put them in the dryer?

I didn't even put them in the washer.

I think I know what's going on.

The exact same thing happened to Dad.

Remember? When he was in the army,he was a beanpole,

and then when he got to be about your age,he started to spread.

Remember his tattoo?

He doesn't have a tattoo.



Yeah,he does. Right on his back.

The fat ate it.

And it all started with this.

Oh,my God. I'm turning into Dad?

I've been working so hard not to turn into Mom,I didn't even think about that.

Relax,Matthew.It happens to everyone.

Just switch over to relaxed cut jeans and blouse your tops.

Like Elton John.

Besides,y still look great.

I wouldn't have even noticed if you hadn't brought it up.

Okay. I'm ready for school.

Okay,buddy.

Say good-bye to your Uncle Fat.

Didn't even notice.



Bye,buddy.Bye,Mom.

Okay,let's get to work.

What you talking about?

You need me. I'm going to get you into shape.

Finally,somebody has a problem that I can help them solve.

Oh,no,no. I'll be fine.These jeans aren't even that tight.

Balls!

Matthew,I own a gym. Weight loss is my business.Okay?

I can help you lose that weight in a couple of days.

Plus,you know what? I'll do it with you

I could stand to lose a couple pounds myself.

Richard's wedding's coming up and I think it would be really nice

if I could outshine the bride.

She sure picked the right maid of honor.

Yeah. And you know what? Don't worry,too.

Because I deal with people who have body issues all the time.

So,you can really count on me to be sensitive.

Oh,congratulations. I just felt a kick.

Okay. Have a nice day,pal.

Oh,and listen. I wanted to check in with you

and make sure that you're doing okay with all these big changes that are coming up.

I'll start wearing deodorant. Get off my back.

No,no,not that.But thank you.

but... There's a lot of other stuff going on.

you're starting middle school.

Your dad's getting remarried. And I want to tell you

that if you have a problem with anything,

-I would want to know about it.
-Okay.

Because your opinion matters,

so even if you said you weren't comfortable about any of these changes,

that would be okay,too.

-Okay.I would want to know.

'Cause my dad never really checked in with me,

and I want to have a different relationship with you.

-Okay.
-Dialogue,conversation like this.

-Okay.
-I'm glad we talked. Do you feel better?

I don't know.

-Okay,good.
-Me,too.

I love you,buddy.

Look at you,talking to your kid like that.

It's so old timey.Like Andy Griffith.

I just want to make sure he's okay with the wedding and everything.

I hardly ever talk to mine. Do you?

No. I don't speak Spanish.

Well,my dad never talked to me,and now it's too late.

-Is he dead? -No. He's a total jackass.

Hello.

I like your shirt.

Hey,that's not her shirt. That's my baby's shirt.

Oh,wait,no. That's my baby.

God,I wonder how many times that's happened.

Ok.g to start with some core work.

It's very important to work the core

because it is the core of the entire coral system.

Okay?

So,let's grab a ball,

-and,uh,I want you to do what I'm doing,okay?
-Okay.

Now,making sure to keep your abs tight,tight!

Watch my hips.

I do... I can't. It's giving me confused feelings.

See?

You feel that? You feel that burn?

Oh,yeah. I feel hungry.

Oh,God. Me,too. I am starving.

Okay,phase two is diet.

Now,I made us some protein shakes.

It's very important to eat protein

while you're working out because it eats the fat like Pac-Man.

And-and-d we-we drink this instead of meals?

We drink this and we eat eight to ten smallish meals a day...

to keep the metabolism all fired up.

It's good.

This is what Hilary Swank used to get in shape for that boxing movie.

Wow. I'd love to look like Hilary Swank.

We'll get you there,bud. Hmm.

You know what? You're really good at this.

Don't sound so surprised. This is my life's work.

Okay,let's get back to it.

Oh,how much longer?

Matthew.

Come on. Nobody said this was going to be easy.

Now,we got our core work done.

We got our metabolism fired up.

Now,we got to get our heart rate up.

So I said,"Yes,I know a lot of people have it a lot worse.

But don't I deserve love?"

Don't say anything to Marly's baby.

I don't need everyone's baby knowing my business.

What are you doing?

You told me to talk to my baby. I'm talking to my baby.

There's my man. Hey.

You ready for a fun weekend? Yeah.

Hey,Dad. Remember when you said if I had a problem

with anything about anything,you wanted to know?

Anything,pal.

I have a problem.

Well,this is why we talk.

I don't want you to marry New Christine.

I'm ing to go get in the car.

We're done.

Well,Matthew,time for our weigh-in.

This is where all our hard work is going to pay off.

It has been a tough two days.

Hey,uh,should I pee before I get on the scale?'Cause I just had a glass of water.

Oh,I don't think it matters,but,I mean,if you have to pee,you should pee.

No,I think I can hold it. Okay.

The next time you guys say,Come over. Let's do something fun,

let's do something fun!

I turned down a date for this.

He was going to pay and everything.

Oh,my God.

Here we go.

This is the most rewarding part of my life's work.

How mucheight did you lose?

I gained two pounds. I can't lieve it.

Okay,well,calm down. You know what?Sometimes this happens.

You know,people lose weight differently.

Very differently. I gained.

This is the hardest part of my life's work.

We were going to go to a boat show,so I assume he owns a boat.

Damn it!

Christine,I thought you said you knew what you were doing.

Matthew,you cannot look at this as a diet.

You have to look at it as a lifestyle.

I'm looking at a pair of man boobs.That's what I'm looking at.

You know,I don't kn.Maybe I'm just used to working with women and men are different.

You know,I just... I feel fantastic.

Are you freaking kidding me?

I gained five pounds!

Oh,you fat piece of crap.

All right,I quit. I'm not doing this.

Oh,God,I hate myself.

It's a lifestyle.

I mean,this is impossible. I don't get it.

I mean,I feel like I lost weight.

Where did I put it on?

Oh. Oh,my God. Of course.

Heavy-duty cotton.

Whoa!

What? I feel as if I've lost weight.

I spent hours on that exercise ball.

Looks like you're still on it.

What?

Your ass is huge.

What? What are you... What are you talking about?

Oh,my God.

What happened to it? It's all swollen.

Oh...I tried to do the right thing.

I-I exercised and I drank all those shakes.

What was in the shakes?

High-protein stuff,you know,

whey protein,and low-fat milk,and vitamins and fruit.

And?

Peanut butter and ice cream.

But you have to cover up...

You just have to cover up the taste of the healthy crap.

You can't go hungry on a diet.

Christine,I can't believe I listened to you.You are a terrible trainer.

We just rolled around on a ball,drinking blubber shakes for two days!

Admit it: you have no idea what a core is.

Listen,I was trying to do something nice,all right?

And look what it got me. I caught your fat.

That's the last time I help you.

Yeah,yeah,please. Don't help me anymore.

If you help me any more,they're going to have to saw me out of the bathroom.

Hey,hey,hey,hey. Calm down,everybody.

There's nothing to argue about.

You're both fat.

But I'm going to help you.

First we're going to start by hitting the gym.

I can't go in there. It's women's only.

Not our gym. You can't lose weight in our gym.

What? What are you talking about?

It's 25 minutes of no-impact aerobics.

Just a bunch of menopausal women sitting around,reading two-year-old People magazines.

Well,then,where are we going to work out?

Yep. Isn't it great?

What is that smell?

Sweat.And just a little bit of blood.

You're going to love it here.

No more whining.You're in my house now.

Get them up.

I said,"Get them up," Marcia!

I can't.

I don't want to hear "I can't."

Fine,then,I won't.

Okay,well,then,you just earned 20 more.Give them to me.

No. I don't like the way you're talking to me.

Really? I'm kind of falling in love with her.

I don't respond to people barking orders and humiliating me.

Might have worked in the bedroom,but it ain't working here.

-You want to get in shape or not?
-You know what,I'll get in shape my own way.

I'm going to start with a facial.

Are you going to quit,too...

Marcy?

Actually,I already have a woman's name,so that doesn't quite work with me.

But no,of course I don't want to quit.

Then give me another ten.

Yes,Mom. Yes,ma'am.

Yes,ma'am.

-Ready? -I'm ready.

A,my name is Albert,my girlfriend's name is Alice

B,my name is Bertram,my girlfriend's name...

Bertram.

Okay,now,bend your knees a little this time. Low center of gravity.

Yeah,I got it.

And work it. And work it.

And work it. And work it.

I think you've had enough.Let's take a break.

No,no,Barb. Come on. I can get this. Give it to me. I can do it.

Ready? Yeah.

Oh! Ha! Ha! I did it!

-Okay,now throw it back to me.
-Okay.

So,Ritchie,you don't literally mean you don't want me to marry New Christine.

- You like New Christine.
-Yeah,I love New Christine.

So then you're okay with us getting married?

No.

But why? We have so much fun together.

I know. And I don't want that to change.

I don't like it when things change.

But nothing's gonna change.We're just getting married.

Marriage doesn't change...

things.

It's perfect now.

It is perfect now,you're right.

And change is scary and bad.

Go to your room,Ritchie. I gotta make some phone calls.

Okay,time's up.

Wait. Hold on. Hold on. I'm almost done.

Yeah,me,too.

It's over,J-Lo,get out.

Come on. It's time for your weekly weigh-in.

Oh! Ow!

You okay?

Yeah,it's just, it's just the endorphins,you know?

Or maybe my core is having a stroke.

I'm gonna go sit down.

Get on the scale,Matthew.

Okay,but I have a confession to make.

I might have cheated a little on my diet.

How little?

Well,I had some nachos for breakfast.

And,some hot dogs before I went to bed last night.

And at 2:00 in the morning,

I did eat Ritchie's school lunch out of the refrigerator.

What? I sent Ritchie to school with an empty lunch box?

Oh,no,I left the note you wrote: "Sorry Mommy yelled."

I haven't cheated once.

And I haven't had wine in five days.

Napa Valley called to see what was going on.

Look at that. I lost four pounds.

Ah! Oh,wait.

Ankle weights.

So,six pounds!

How did you lose six pounds? How did you lose six pounds?

You didn't do anything. You ate like a pig.All right,move over,okay?

This is going to be very satisfying.

Wha... what...?

What?

What's happening?!

What's happening is you gained five pounds.

But that's impossible.

Oh,waitankle weights!

Oh,wait,this jacket is soaked in sweat.

I had to have lost weight.

Your... your butt invited a friend.

Oh,my God! I look huge.

Or,or do I have that disease where I can't tell that I'm skinny?

The good news is,you don't have that.

What,what is happening to me?

Settle down,sweetie. You can't get freaked out by every peak and valley.

There is no valley! It's all peak!

What is happening?! I-I worked my ass off.

You didn't work all of it off.

Yeah,that's weird. I mean,I barely did anything.

And I didn't even tell you l the stuff I ate.

I guess losing weight's ju not that hard for me.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Calm down.

No,I'm not gonna calm down! This is so unfair.

You said it yourself. Everyone's different.

Yeah,everyone's different,all right.

Life is easy for you,life is impossible for me.

You want to lose weight,boom,you lose weight.

You want to be a therapist,boom,you're a therapist.

You want Mom and Dad to love you,boom,they love you.

I've spent my whole life struggling,and what do I get?

Boom in the front,boom in the back.

-Hey
-Hey.

Matthew?

You're a therapist.

I don't want to hear about your dreams anymore.

Sometimes,two guys riding on dolphins is just two guys riding on dolphins.

No,no,it's not that.

I think I have to call off my wedding.

Because you have homoerotic dreams about guys on dolphins?

Yosaid it didn't mean anything.

I know. It probably doesn't.

So,uh,why-why are you calling off your wedding?

I told Ritchie if he had any problems with me getting married,he should speak up,and he did.

So now I think I should cancel the wedding.

Wait,you let Ritchie,a 13-year-old kid,make a life decision for you?

You can't give a kid that kind of power.That'll mess him up.

You can't let him manipulate you.It's totally unhealthy.

-So what should I do?
-You shouldn't be asking me,either.

Who should I ask?

Yourself! You!

You have to make your own decisions.

Do you love New Christine?

Of course. She's sweet and sexually adventurous. How often do you find that combination?

Almost never.

You've got to take the power back from Ritchie.

You're the grownup. You have to tell him how it's gonna be.

I thought you were trying to lose weight.

I was. But now I'm trying to gain weight.

Why?

Christine really needs a win.

She thinks things come too easy for me.

Oh,hey,$20.

Barb,why are we at this horrible place?

You said we were getting fried chicken.

That's not what I said.

Oh,you're thinking with your ass again.

You need to keep working out.

Christine,I've known you for a long time,

and I've never seen you give up.

It's too hard.

Yep,and it's not gonna get any easier.

You're a woman. You're getting older.

You ve the metabolism of a hibernating bear in menopause.

Well,how is that fair?

It's not.

It's not fair that you had to pay your own way through college,

it's not fair that you had to go through a divorce,

it's not fair that you work so hard at your business just to barely get by.

That's your life.

Oh! I hate my life.

Oh! I love this churro.

You're like that guy who pushes the rock up the hill,

and when you finally get it up there,

it rolls back on top of you and crushes you.

But you dust yourself off

and you start back up the hill again.

"Hey,there's a cute guy at the top of the hill.

Maybe he's the one."

Climb,climb,climb,push,push,push.

Aw,he's married.

Crush!

But you get up and you start again.

"Hey,I'm not gonna put my money in a regular bank.

What's this stock market I've heard so much about?"

Crush!

This is a terrible,terrible pep talk.

Hey,I'm gonna get a pep talk from my good friend,Barb.

Crush!

See? Your life is hard.

Yeah,it makes me so mad.

You should be mad. Your life sucks.

You should hit something.

No,I don't want to. This is dumb.

I'm not a violent person.

Remember how fast Matthew lost all that weight?

It's not fair. It's not fair.

I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

So,I realized I gave you too much power.

And I'm the grownup,and so I have to make the big life decisions,

but you know I love you,right,buddy?

So,you're gonna marry New Christine?

Matthew thinks I should.

Do you think I should?

Christine,I just want to say,

whatever happens,you've worked really hard these past ten days,

and I'm very proud of you.

And I just want to say that if I have gained weight,

I'm gonna kill you both.

We've tapped into some rage.

If I can get her down to a flyweight,I'm gonna have her fight this Filipino kid.

Look at that,you lost two pounds.

Two pounds.

Okay,so let's see,ten days,working out four hours a day,

drinking only cayenne pepper and lemon juice...

I lost two pounds!

Well,I do not have a good feeling about this.

No...

You lostnoth fi pounds.

Wh? Nothat impossible.

I've been power eating for two weeks,

I haven't do an ouncef exerci...

Hey,a 50!