The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 4, Episode 19 - Hair - full transcript

Hold on a minute there, Ms. Campbell.

We're screening students for lice.

Oh, no, thanks. We just bought magazines.

No, no, we're not asking for money.

We've had an outbreak and all students must be checked.

Those with lice will not be allowed into the school.

Come on, lice.

No, I can promise you Ritchie does not have lice, he takes a 45-minute shower every day.

I mean, if he told me he was going blind, that would make sense.

But he does not have...

Lice.



Take him away.

What? No, no, no, no. That's not lice. That is dandruff.

Seriously, his scalp is dry from those long showers.

I mean, even the hair on the palm of his hand has dandruff.

Oh, no need to check our girls.

We don't sleep on buses or try on hats from the dollar store.

You just described my last spring break.

Lice.

Oh, no.

That's not possible.

Kelsey doesn't have lice.

Her colorist would have known.

Would all of the infested students please move to your area.

Yes, please, for god's sake.



You're going to contaminate the good people.

Thank you.

I can't say it, but you can.

God, can we please just stop talking about it?

We've got a live one.

A live what?

Your baby's got bugs.

Maybe we can go on spring break together.

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First of all, I think we should all take a deep breath.

Lice happens and you should not feel ostracized or stigmatized in any way.

Okay, now I'm going to need all my lice people to stand back from the fence.

Last time I had lice I was in college.

Christine, you don't call it lice when it's down there.

Nice girls do.

Now I know everyone has a lot of questions,

So I would like to read a pamphlet.

This has been put out by the health department,

and it is entitled "Lice:

Fact and Myth." Let's see how we do.

"Number one:

it is impossible or probable not to get lice from a hairbrush

"from a not-unknown source.

"Fact or myth?

What? You mean, it's impossible not to get lice?

Fact.

"Number two:

it is not implausible to contract head lice by prohibiting the sharing of hats,

helmets, and scarves.

"Fact or myth?

Obviously, that's going to be myth.

Uh-oh, fact.

Wait.

I'm having trouble understanding this.

Yeah, you know, I think I'm just going to toss these over the fence, and uh...

If you have any questions, just have a look.

I have a question.

How did this happen?

Who would bring lice into our school?

merrow: now,now,now.

Hey, hey, now it doesn't t do any good to point fingers.

Lice can afflict anyone, so let's not make any accusations.

Is it true that lice are more common in poor people?

Fact.

Hey, I'm not poor.

I'm regular.

Well, low regular.

high poor.

I heard that lice are carried by divorced people.

Oh, fact.

Come on!

People, it doesn't matter who patient zero is.

That fact is, we have an outbreak anand we have to act together to contain it.

So I don't want any more questions that imply the identity of our carrier.

Well, that's it.

I'm done.

I'm done with those women.

I'm done with that school.

I am done.

What happened?

What are you doing home from school, buddy?

you sick?

no,i have lice.

disgusting!get off me!

stop it.

stop it.you're going to hurt his feelings.

no,he isn't.

i love lice.

i knew this would happen.

i told you not to buy pillows at a garage sale.

ritchie,sweetie,go upstairs start playing video games,

while i read this pamphlet and figure out how to get rid of them.

christine,i just got an e-mail from the room parent at school.

they said you infested the place with lice.

what?

are you kidding me?

they sent 20 people home today with lice,

and yet they all assume that i am patient zero?

yeah,and you know why?

because i don't drive a fancy car,because i fly coach,

because i don't have nannies raising my kids.

because you used a brush you found in the park.

it was on a bench,richard.

you act as if i found it on the ground.

i am so sick of the snobs at this school.

this time i vow i'm going to do something about it.

your vows don't mean anything.

remember "no tv during dinner"?

or "live a life of service"?

till death do us what?

you know what,this time i mean it,seriously.

i'm getting ritchie out of that school.

what are you going to do,home-school him?

yeah,at least then he'd make the sports team.

maybe.

no,you know what,

there's a charter school that opened up a few blocks away.

yeah,that's right.

ritchie's going to go there.

it's public; he can walk to it;

he can hang out with neighborhood kids,

play a little stickball,sit on the stoop.

is the charter school in west side story?

i'm doing it,okay?

you guys read this pamphlet and figure out what do do with lice-boy upstairs,okay?

i'm going to go check out that public school.

i went to public school.

god,if public school's good enough for me,it's good enough for ritchie.

what is wrong with this door?

you have to pull.

yeah,right,right.

oh,man,lice.

new christine's gonna flip.

she had lice when she was a kid and the other kids made fun.

her self-esteem never recovered.

enter you.

right place,right time.

anyway,she had to shave her head.

her mom scotch-taped bows to her scalp so people would know she was a girl.

wait,wait,wait,if i get lice,i can't shave my head.

what's the big deal?

i did it once.it grows back.

no,no,no,no,no.

this is a disaster.

why are you freaking out?

because i have a condition.

on the back of my head there's this crease.

a crease?

it's a crevice,a crack,a vertical crack.

you have a butt-head?

okay,i don't want to talk about it.

shave your head.i want to see the butt.

no,i am not shaving it!

i was tortured for my head.

for the first few years of my life,christine put diapers on it.

all right,all right,relax,okay?

we'll check each other.

okay.

you didn't even look.

lice live in hair.you're good.

oh,really?you're making fun of me,butt-head?

okay,just check it.

all right.

what's the...what's the matter?did you find lice?

no.

i found the butt.

so,that is our school.

now,it's not fancy,but our students and staff are challenged and happy.

i just love how diverse the student body is-- and the administration.

my best friend is diverse.

she's black.

yeah,yeah,ah,i got that.

and i have to tell you,i love anything public.

you know,public school,public radio,

public bathrooms. i use those all the time.

i don't sit on the seat,though.

i mean,not because i'm a snob or anything like that.

it's just that i hate it when the seat is warm or if it's like really wet.

ms. campbell,i think we've gotten off track.

oh,okay.

oh,hey,i'm sorry for interrupting.

diane,thank you so much for taking care of eric yesterday.

you saved my life.

please,if i hadn't taken him home,i'm sure one of the parents would have.

well,i just got divorced and my ex and i are still trying to negotiate the awkward

"how to pick up your kid without violating the restraining order" phase.

mrs. campbell,this is mrs. sellick.she's a parent here at the school.

oh,everyone calls me dee.

oh,people can be so mean.

what does it stand for?

divorced?depressed?dumped?

no.my name is dee.

oh,it's-it's a beautiful name.

would you like a donut?

ooh,public donuts.

my tax dollars at work.

yeah,she's coming over from westbridge.

ah,westbridge.

you're probably used to homemade stuff.

i-i don't really have time to cook-- i work.

oh,no,i'm not a westbridge person.

i'm like you.

i work.

i'm divorced.

i cut my own hair.

i don't cut my own hair.

i paid a lot for this.

oh,it's a beautiful haircut.

i would,i would,uh...

love the name of the person,who,uh...

but you know,what i'm saying is,is at...

at westbridge,you know,it's all about what was on the outside,

and you seem really great,you know,on the inside.

what's wrong with my outside?

oh,no,no,you,um...

i would love the name of your,um...

well,i mean,all of the people who...

you know,whoever does your look,i would...

i gotta go.

nice meeting you.

oh,bye.

you know,i'm just really nervous.

it's okay.you're fine.you're fine.

there's not a lot of judgment here,so,you're fine.

-oh,no judgment?
-no judgment.

-i love it here.
-thank you.

-i mean,this place just seems so right.
-yeah?

you know,i'm a product of a public school.

i turned out pretty good.

oh,your husband's a very handsome man.

that's the president of the united states.

look here.

right,right.

anyway,so when do we start?

well,you still need to go through a couple steps.

-okay.
-we are public,right,

but we're also a charter school,

which means our enrollment is limited,

so our admissions process is similar to a private school.

oh,okay.

i see what you're saying.

um,i happen to have a letter of recommendation from a mr. abraham lincoln.

yeah,you know,i-i wasn't looking for a bribe,mrs. campbell.

so you can keep your five dollars.

i'll tell you something,at westbridge,

they would have snatched this up and named an eraser after me.

yeah,i don't think we're gonna be naming anything after you.

okay,okay,ye

yeah,but what we will need is ritchie's transcripts sent over,

and then we'll bring him back with the entire family for an interview.

well,if you think you love me,wait till you meet the rest of my family.

i'm actually the worst one.

what is this supposed to do exactly?

it's just a precaution.

if there's something up there,the olive oil will get them.

good,because i can't risk getting lice this close to the wedding.

i think you fallinto the "low risk" category.

you're missing one key ingredient.

what's that?

hair,richard...

for the lice to cling onto.

you don't have lice.

i could get lice.

there's a better chance you got termites in your head than lice.

hey,guys.

that's not keeping anyone from getting pregnant.

we're drowning our lice in olive oil.

yeah?what's richard doing?

i don't know what richard's doing.

you'll see.

hey,how'd it go at public school?

i love public school.

i mean,those people there,they're just like us.

hard-working regular folks.

and it is so refreshing to be in a place where everyone is equal,you know?

they don't look down their nose at you 'cause you don't drive a fancy car.

it's fair.

it's even.

it's america.

and you know what the best part is?

with all the money that we're saving by not going to private school,

we're gonna be the richest ones there.

i'm not sure you're taking away the right message.

yeah,i'm taking away the right message,believe me.

we finally found a place where people are gonna be jealous of us.

you are looking at a soon-to-be thousandaire.

wait,wait,wait.

is that,is that real mayonnaise?

not just real mayonnaise,hellmann's,baby?

look at it!

and that's not all either.

we got real cheese.

we got real bread.

we got real baloney.

good god,what were we eating before?

don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.

so,that's it?

ritchie's changing schools?

well,i mean,you know,

there's a little interview process we have to go through,but,i mean,we're in.

they'd be lucky to have us.

of course they would.

you're a gift.

oh,man.

this is how i should be living.

oh,wait,no.stop right there.

you can't come in until you've been checked.

oh,i don't want to come in.

i'm just here to pick up ritchie's transcript.

yeah,that's right.

ritchie's leaving this school.

who's ritchie?

my son.

ohokay.we'll,we'll go get principal merrow for you.

and if you want to know why,

it's because i am tired of being treated like a second-class citizen.

oh,boy.

first my nanny,and now you.

all right.

how much will it cost to bring the rest of your family over the border?

cuantos personas en tu familia?

all right,knock it off,okay?

i'm not gonna this with you,do you hear me?

i demand and deserve to be treated with respect.

go like th.

no,other side.

ye ye.all right.

oh,yeah,yeah,that's right.

just walk away.

i don't care.

yeah,i'm done with you,and i'm done with this school!

you know what?i've waited four years to say this:

screw you!

yeah,that's right.

screw...you!

oh,mrs. campbell.

you know,uh,usually i would apologize,

but,um,i'm not gonna do that.

i don't care what you think because i am never gonna see you again.

once you give me ritchie's transcript,i'm out of this hellhole.

so what do you think of that?

i think i have a waiting list of 150 kids for this hellhole.

yeah,well,you can take your wait list

and your-your state champion debate team and your olympic-sized swimming pool

and your state-of-the-art science lab and,you know,okay?

so i think i've made my point.

we're going to public school.

power to the people.

sorry we're late.

we had a little situation.

situation?

you look like the flipping addams family!

what happened?

the olive oil wouldn't wash out of our hair.

you look like freaks!

richard,you're a tiny mustache away from invading poland!

all right,well,look it,sit down,okay?

fortunately,she already loves me.

hello,mrs. campbell.

i am so,so sorry to keep you waiting.

so...

this must be the gang.

and what is your little girl's name again?

oh,uh,he,he's a boy.

his name is ritchie.

let me just note that in the chart.

this is my brother matthew here,and this is ritchie's dad,richard.

well,let me just make one more note in the chart.

okay.

so,ritchie,how do you feel about changing schools?

well,my old school got two weeks for winter break.

how long do you get here?

we get three weeks of winter break in the l.a.public schools.

i love it here.

-and what other questions...?
-none.

boy,i'm gonna need more chart.

all righty,well,let's start off with going over the curriculum in the seventh grade,

we begin to lay the foundation for high school.

in math,we introduce pre-algebra and pre-geometry.

-in science...
- stop it.

-stop it!
-i can't!

in science,uh,students get to conduct laboratory

and field investigations of components in their environment and in their interrelationships.

in...

in language arts...

in language arts,we fo...

i'm good.i'm good.

in language arts,we focus on grammar,composition,and reading literature.

okay,what the heck is wrong with you pple?!

god,richard,i think you do have lice.

you have lice?

there was a small outbreak at our old school,and they tried to pin it on us.

you brought lice into my school?!

damn right i did.

oh,come on.

just give us another chance.

i mean,there was only one lice on richard.

it's probably already starved by now.

i am sorry.

you need to leave immediately.

this school has never had an outbreak of lice.

what?never?

oh,come on.how do you know we didn't get it here?

why don't you check the divorced donut lady?!

hey,hey.

principal merrow.

how's it going?

surprised to see you here,mrs. campbell.

yeah,i know the last time i was here,we both said some things...

i didn't say anything.

is there a reason why you're loitering in our parking lot?

perhaps some child didn't hear you say,"screw you!

" well,i think we can both laugh about that now.

i thought you said you weren't happy here.

no,i'm-i'm not.

i mean,this place is all filled up with snobs and meanies and blondes.

i'm miserable here,but my only other option was home schooling,

and i just recently realized that i'm a dumbass.

recently?

look,the truth is that ritchie is doing great here,you know?

and it turns out that public school judges you on your merits rather than your ability to pay,

so we didn't get in.

you know i wish i had $30,000 for every student who couldn't cut it in public school.

oh,wait,i do.

please?

please,will you take us back?

i'll do anything.

ything.

please,mrs. campbell,between the lice and this,they'll take away our license to serve food!

i'm sorry.

i'm sorry.i'm just...i'm just so desperate.

yeah,i could see that,ye

but we...we like ritchie,so

we will be happy to take him back.

besides,he's an example of how environment triumphs over breeding.

well,that...

that's awfully nice of you.