The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 10 - Old Christine Meets Young Frankenstein - full transcript

All right, sorry
about this lunch, honey.

All I had was
some ketchup packets

and an English muffin.

But see if you can borrow
yourself a piece of cheese

and then you leave it out in the
sun and make yourself a pizza.

Thanks, Mom.
Okay, bye, big boy.

Hey, what's going on?

Where's everybody going?

Oh, is there another parents'
lunch I wasn't invited to?

You know, who cares?
I'm so over this place.

Oh, please let me come.
I'm starving!



Christine, didn't you
get the email blast?

Yeah, a Code Purple meeting

was just called for
all seventh grade parents.

Oh, my God!

Code Purple!

What is Code Purple?

Code Purple is one color
away from red,

which is total
scholastic chaos.

When Will Smith's kids
transferred out,

that nightmare was
only a code yellow.

Purple is serious business.

Do we know what it's about?

Apparently there's
a bully problem

in the seventh grade.



A bully here?

Oh, no, no, no.

He's gonna go
after Ritchie.

Oh, yeah, he'll
totally do that.
Oh, he'll totally
go after Ritchie.

God, Ritchie
must've been too scared

to tell me anything
about it. Poor kid.

Probably doesn't help
that I give him home perms.

Do we know who this bully is?

No, school isn't saying.

Westbridge policy is
to keep things confidential,

not single anyone out.

Oh, well, that's
a bunch of crap.

God, I have a right
to know who the bully is.

I pay a lot of money
to this school.

Do you?

Well, I'm in arrears, but I owe
a lot of money to this school.

Who are they protecting?

They should be naming names.

You know what?
Screw that meeting.

I'm gonna go talk
to Principal Nunley.

No Will Smith,
no free lunch, and now a bully?

This place really chaps my ass!

"The New Adventures of Old Christine" Episode 10
" Old Christine Meets Young Frankenstein"

Principal Nunley,
I am shocked and outraged.

Yes, Ms. Campbell,
you usually are.

I heard that there is a bully
problem in the seventh grade.

There should be zero tolerance
for bullies at this school.

Do you hear me?

Yes, I hear you, Ms. Campbell.

Everybody hears you, but next
time I wish you'd warn me

before you come in so I could
turn off the PA system.

Okay, uh, let me
tell you something.

My poor son

is probably walking
these halls right now

frightened and intimidated.

And you should be naming names,

and bringing expulsions
and filing criminal charges,

but what are you doing?

You're calling some
sort of a purple assembly.

Well, shame on you,
Principal Nunley.

Shame! On! You!

Your son is the bully,
Ms. Campbell.

Well, you gotta let 'em be kids.
That's what I always say.

Ritchie has been intimidating
a student in the boys' bathroom.

Wh-What did Ritchie do?

Well, apparently he's been
taking a student's lunch money.

Oh, well, he's probably
just hungry.

I know I am.

There's no food in our house.

When a child bullies,

it's usually a sign
that they're feeling powerless

in some other area
of their lives.

Is there... is there anything
going on at home

that could be making him
act out?

Well, I... I'm still divorced
from his dad,

who's having a baby
with his ex-fianc,

and I think I'm in love
with my shrink,

who's my brother's mentor.

So, no, no.
Everything's pretty much normal.

Oh, dude, I just
joined Facebook.

I love it.

I've been on it for two days

and I already have four friends.

Hey, by the way,

you still haven't confirmed
my friend request.

Oh, yeah, look at that.

I'll do it right now.

Beep. There you go.
Confirmed.

Oh, good.

Hey, look, a buddy of mine
is Facebook friends

with my ex-girlfriend, Lucy.

I wonder how she is.

I'm going to friend-request her.

Oh, ask her if she'll
be my friend, too.

Absolutely.

:
Bing-bong. Done.

Thanks.

Did you get Ritchie
from school?

Yeah, he's upstairs.
What's wrong with you?

I just found out that Ritchie's
school has a bully problem.

Of course he's
being bullied.

He still wears
footie pajamas.

It doesn't help he's addicted
to cherry ChapStick.

He's got a big red target
right on his lips.

Christine, I want
that bully's name

and I want his address.

Or her.

Let's be honest:
it could be anyone.

No, it's not like that.

Ritchie is the bully.

No, guys, I'm not kidding.

Really, he's been taking
some kid's lunch money.

That doesn't make any sense.

Ritchie?
Our little Ritchie?

Our Ritchie.
No, I don't believe it.

He smells like
pear blossoms.

He still cries in photos
with mall Santas.

He's still in photos
with mall Santas.

Oh, I feel like
this is all my fault.

Of course it is.

You bathe him
in the sink.

That was one time!

I was trying to make
beer in the bathtub.

No, I feel like
this is my fault because,

believe it or not,
I used to be a bully, too.

Believe it or not?
Used to be?

Okay, both of you

shut your mouths right now,

or I will shut them for you!

Ugh, this is serious.

I'm upset about this.

I'm afraid he
got this from me.

You know, it all started for me
when I was about his age.

There was this girl in my class
named Frances Stein.

And she was so weird-looking.

She had this square-shaped hd.

And she was so pale
she was, like, almost green.

Anyway, so then I came up with
this clever nickname for her.

Frankenstein?

Did I tell you this story?

No, her name was Frances Stein
and she looked green.

What else are you
going to call her?

Anyway, I'm embarrassed
about it now

because I made this
poor girl's life miserable.

You know, I mean,
I still feel guilty about it,

even ten years later.
Try again.

Well, 20 years later.
Try again.

Shut your mouth,
or I will shut it for you!

You know what?
Ritchie!

Hey, Ritchie, can you
come down here for a minute?

You know what. We're going
to handle this right now.

Hey, guys.

Gosh, there is no moisture
in the air.

My lips are a mess.

Okay, Ritchie, listen.

I had a meeting today
with Principal Nunley

and she told me
something very upsetting.

She said that you were
bullying a classmate.

Can you believe it?

It's a boy, too.

Okay, well, that is
nothing to be proud of.

And that is no way to get
what you want or to be popular.

I speak from experience, honey,
because when I was your age,

I bullied a girl
in my class, too.

You did?
Yeah!

And I feel really bad
about it to this day.

Which means that
you are gonna stop this.

Tomorrow you're gonna go in
and you're gonna apologize

to that kid.

Did you ever apologize
to the girl you bullied?

Uh, no, but you know,
she moved away

and, you know, I have no way
of finding out where she is now.

Just found her
on Facebook.

Still has the
same last name.

Now you can apologize, too.

You know what?
This isn't about me.

This is about Ritchie.

And, I mean,
it was years ago.

I mean, I have no idea
where she lives.

Just found her house
on Google Maps.

Okay, but I don't know
how to get there.

According to MapQuest,
it's 8.6 miles.

I don't understand why I have to
apologize if you don't have to.

Yeah, why does he have to
apologize if you don't have to?

Yeah, why does he?

I'm serious.

You are both dead meat.

Oh, my God, Lucy.

Hi, Matthew.

I got your message on Facebook

and I was just passing
through the neighborhood,

so, I thought I'd stop by.

Why are you wearing
a wedding dress?

Oh, laundry day.

It's the only clean thing
I could find in my closet.

Really?

No! I'm getting married
in two hours.

Wow, you are?

Well, congratulations.

That's funny that your only
status update on Facebook

was that you had become
a fan of Big Bang Theory.

Uh, do you want to come in?

Uh, yeah, I got
some time to kill.

You know how boring it can be

waiting for the guests
to arrive.

Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.

I think I might have
the wrong house.

Did a really, really

unattractive woman
used to live here?

I can't believe it.

Christine Kimble.

Frances? Is that you?

No...

It can't be you.

I mean, look at you.

You're adorable.

You seem surprised.

Yeah, well, I mean, you know,

the last time I saw you,

you had kind of a,
you know, uh...

and a green tint,
you know, to...

and kind of like a...

Hence the name Frankenstein.

Oh, yeah, you remember that?

Yeah, well, the joke's on me
because you look great.

Well, 13 years
of intensive therapy.

So much plastic surgery that my
dog doesn't even recognize me.

He bites me every time
I walk into the house.

Why are you here?

Actually, I was trying
to teach a lesson to my kid.

So, um, I came here to apologize
for the way that I treated you.

So, what do you say?
Do you, do you forgive me?

Gosh.

You ask me if I can forget,
I'd have to say no.

But can I forgive?

I'd have to say no.

What do you mean no?

Do you have any idea
how hard this was for me to do?

Do you have any idea
how hard it was

to have the entire shape
of my head changed?

I had to wear a helmet
for six years.

Well, I mean, but your head
is totally round now.

So, I'd say it was worth it.

You made my life
a living hell.

You made me believe
that I was Frankenstein.

I didn't date.
I didn't go out in public.

I was afraid of fire and
angry villagers with torches.

Where did you live?

Irvine.

I'm trying to help my son, okay?

He's bullying kids at school.

Oh, that's a shock.

Hey, you know what?

Now you're just being
ungenerous.
Hmm.

Yeah. I mean, think about it.

If it wasn't for me
calling you Frankenstein,

you wouldn't be
where you are today.

I mean, you're beautiful.

You're-you're obviously rich.

You're doing way better
than me.

You have a-a foyer, and you have
a powder room there, and...

Oh, is that a bar?

Oh, can I come in?

I don't think you're
understanding me, okay?

You can't come in.
I don't forgive you.

Your kid sounds awful,
and you smell

poor.

Yeah, I am poor, okay?

And I don't know what
you're so angry about.

You know, I made you.

I'm Dr. Frankenstein
to your Frankenstein.

So, yeah, you should thank me.

My gosh, you're
absolutely right.

What was I thinking?

Oh, I know.

Sorry I'm late, Barb.

You won't believe this.

Frankenstein won't accept
my apology.

Maybe it's because
you called her Frankenstein.

I want her to know
that I'm not a bad person.

I was going through some
of my own stuff

at the time, too.

I was getting teased.

I was the vice president of the
Itty-Bitty Booby Committee.

Not even the... president.

It's all ancient history.

I had a nickname, too.

They used to call
me Barbie Doll

'cause I was
beautiful and buxom.

Did I let that bother me?

No. It was the best
time of my life.

Your stories never
help me, Barb.

God, I need a character witness.

Would you go over there
and vouch for me?

I will not.

Oh, please.
Please! Just tell

Frances how much nicer I am now
than I was in junior high.

I didn't know you
in junior high.

I was mean and boy-crazy.

You're mean and bocrazy now.

Barb, do this
for me, or else.

Or else what?

Don't try to bully me.

I'll knock your ass back
to junior high school.

Oh.

I'm sorry. If you're
selling religion,

I'm going to
have to stop you.

We're Jewish.

Oh, no, no,
I'm not selling anything.

I'm a friend
of Christine Kimble.

She asked me to come over here
and have a little talk.

She did?

Yeah. She's very upset
that you won't forgive her,

and as her business associate,
I hate to see her upset.

You know what I'm saying?

Yes, ma'am.

You're being very clear.

I mean, it happened such
a long time ago.

You're both grown women.

I think it's time
for you to move on.

If you say so.

You seem so uptight.

Why are you so nervous?

I guess I'm
just high-strung,

but I can be whatever
you want me to be.

What I want you to be?

I want you to make nice.

You think you'll be able
to do that?

Lady, you must calm down,

or you're going
to end up in the hospital.

You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.

I know what
you're saying.

I don't want to end
up in the hospital.

Please, just tell Christine
that it's over

and that I accept
her apology, okay?

Okay, you mean that?

Because I don't want
to have to come back here.

You don't have to
come back here.

Just please forget
where I live.

Hey, what's that I hear?
Hmm.

Oh, you got kids?

Oh, please, just go.
They've done nothing.

Stay in the house!

All right, I don't need
to see your kids.

Oh, you got
a little dog.

Come here,
little dog.
No!

So, we're good?

Yeah, uh,
I'm not engaged, but

uh, I've been pretty busy, too.

Um... I saw Transformers.

I-I... I tried pepperoncini
for the first time.

That's amazing.

I've been eating pepperoncinis
for years.

They're hotter than you think.

Oh, and speaking
of that, Lucy,

uh, what the hell
are you doing here?

I don't know.

When I got your friend request,
I thought maybe it was a sign

that you were thinking about me
as much as I think about you.

Oh, you think about me?

All the time.

Well, not all the time.

Obviously, there was some
down time

when this happened.

Yeah, yeah.

About that. I mean, shouldn't
you get to your wedding?

Oh, probably.

I'm already 15 minutes late,
but...

they can't start
without the bride.

Is that what
you want me to do, Matthew?

Go to my wedding?

Well, uh, you're certainly
dressed for it.

All right, fine, if you
want me to get married,

I guess I'll just
go get married.

Wait, wait, wait.
Are you... Are you mad at me?

No, just forget
it, Matthew.

But just tell me one thing.

If you can honestly say
that you are completely over me,

I will walk out this door,
and you will never see me again.

I'm completely over you.

Excuse me.
What time do you close?

Uh, pretty soon.

I'm getting kind of hungry,
and I own this place, so...

Oh.

Um, where could I find
a fresh towel?

At a good gym.

CHRISTINE:
Frances.

Oh, my God, you're here!

Yeah. Christine,
I want to talk to you.

Oh, did Barb go and see you?

Did she clear everything up?

Uh, yes, she did,
and I get the message.

And whatever happened,
it's all in the past,

and I 100% completely accept
your apology.

Oh, Frances, I am so happy
to hear you say that.

And I also want
to apologize

for being so rude to you when
you came to my house earlier.

Okay? I won't ever step out
of line again,

so, please just
call off your goons.

Goons?

Yeah, your associate, Barb.

Why would you think
that Barb is a goon?

She's buxom and beautiful.

Well, she threatened me.
She threatened my children.

She threatened my dog.

She said she was going
to put me in the hospital.

Oh, I don't believe that.

Let me just
lock the door

so no one
can disturb us.

Well, I think
you should know

that there are people
who know that I'm here.

No. Frances, I just want
to talk to you.

I'll scream.

Go ahead.

The neighbors are used to it.

I scream all the time.

Oh, God.

Frances, what is wrong with you?

Why are you making everything
so difficult?

God.

Frances, I didn't want
to have to do this,

but I'm going to have to find
a way to make you listen.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb,
Barb, Barb, Barb, Barb.

We have a problem here.

Yeah, we have a problem.

You closed the gym
at 3:00 in the afternoon.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, it's a
bigger problem.

Um, Frankenstein
came here,

and she wouldn't listen,
and she wanted to leave,

but I couldn't let her leave
until she listened, and-and...

I-I did something bad.

How bad?

That's bad.

How the hell
did this happen?

She said that
I was a bad person.

You are a bad person.

You've kidnapped her.

What are we going to do?

I know a guy out
in the desert

who makes problems go away.

We'll need a car with
a clean registration

and a shovel.

We'll have to go off
the grid for a while.

Cross over into Mexico
and dye our hair.

Oh, forget it.

I'm not dyeing my hair.

Really?

That's the part
you don't want to do?

I love my hair, okay?

And if you would just
accept my apology,

none of this
would have happened.

Fine. I forgive you.

You're a lovely person.

See? You know what?

I can tell
that you really don't mean that.

God, Frances, you keep making me
do things I hate myself for.

You should hate yourself.

You're a horrible,
horrible human being.

You're a bully
and possibly sociopathic.

You know,
I was finally free of you.

I finally left that awkward
seventh grade girl behind

on a plastic surgeon's table,

and then you come back here,
and you stir it all up again

just so you can feel better.

Well, you know what?

I don't want you
to feel better.

How can you say that?

Untie her.

How can you say that?

Because she's right.

You don't get to go
back 60 years after
junior high school

and right your wrongs.

Look what you did.

She's a wreck.

You do owe her
an apology,

but she doesn't
have to take it.

Oh, fine.

I'll untie you.

But you know, just so you know,
I really did feel bad

about the way I treated you
in-in seventh grade,

and... and
now, today.

But Barb is right.

You don't have to forgive me.

You know, Christine, I can see
how much this upsets you

and how much my apology
would mean to you.

And I want you to know
that there will come a day

when I will never,
ever forgive you.

So die with that.

We're sorry
this happened.

Christine won't
bother you anymore.

She's really not
a bad person.

If you say anything
to anyone about this,

just remember,

I know where Your'e
little dog lives.