The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 11 - It's Beginning to Stink a Lot Like Christmas - full transcript

Okay, Mom, this is
the tree I want.

Oh. Well, then this
is the one we'll get.

So, go find that guy
with the neck tattoo

and tell him to help us.

But don't go in the trailer
with him.

I made that mistake last yr.

Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho.

Look at you all dressed up.

You're so... oblivious
to the weather.
Mm...

Don't you just
love Christmas?

It is my favorite
time of year.



I wish it would snow.

It's 90 degrees out.

The only cloud in the sky
is from the brush fires

burning out of control
in Granada Hills.

Aren't you hot?

A little bit.

But Christmas is
about bundling up,

drinking hot cocoa
by the fire...

And... I think
I should probably sit.

I might be having
a tiny heat stroke.

God, I'm... I'm so glad
she's back in my life.

She's just so full of joy
and positive energy.

Isn't she...
A freak?

No. I was gonna
say fantastic.



Oh, yeah, fantastic.

I can't remember
why we broke up.

She just makes me
feel so...
Stupid?

No, special.

Oh, yeah. Special.

Hey, where did you guys
get those snow cones?

Some elves were selling
them at the entrance,

along with sunscreen
and beach umbrellas.

Gosh, I should put on
sunscreen.

I got a terrible burn
at Thanksgiving.

Hey, I know
it's not our turn,

but is it okay
if we take Ritchie this weekend?

Sure. Why?

It's the 15th
of December,

the beginning
of Kinderclausen.

What the hell is Kinderclausen?

It's the way New Christine's
family celebrates Christmas.

It comes from the Old Country.

It's just like normal Christmas
that normal people have,

except it comes ten days
earlier, and it's weird.

It's not weird, Richard.

It's lovely, and now that we're
going to be starting a family,

I want to share my
traditions with Ritchie.

I want him to taste
his first bison.

I want him to hang apples
and herring on the door

so that Sinder-Pa will
know he's a worthy boy.

Uh, who the hell is Sinder-Pa?

In the old fables,
he's ter-Ma's husband.

I told you
it was weird.

She's doing a whole thing
at her house.

Is it all right if Ritchie
goes over there with me?

Oh, yeah, sure.
I mean, Mathew and I are

going to be busy with our own
holiday celebrations anyway.

Yeah, she means
sitting on the couch,

avoiding Mom and Dad's
drunken phone calls,

waiting for our Bior? strips
to dry.

Well, it's better than
Kinderschnauzer and Santa-Poo.

It's Kinderclausen
and Sinder-Pa.

Oh, yes, of course, because
my way was ridiculous.

You guys, look!

It's snowing.

It's a Christmas miracle!

Oh, no, no, no!
That's not snow.

That's ash from the brush fires.

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Well, it'll look pretty
after we decorate it.

Ah, who are we kidding? We're
never going to decorate it.

We're eating out of
our earthquake kit,

'cause we're too lazy
to go over to the fridge
and get real food.

Yeah, and we won't get around to
throwing this away until Easter.

Or as New Christine probably
calls it, "Bunnyflausian."

Oh, company.
Hide!

Hello? Anybody home?

Oh, hi, Lucy.

Sorry. We thought
you were the neighbors.
Oh.

Why are you hiding
from the neighbors?

Because they're having
a holiday block party tonight,

and if they think we're home,
they're going to invite us.

Yeah, we don't like to
be invited to things.

We have too much
fun on our own.

CHRISTINE:
Plus, you know what?

Neighborhood parties
open up a very dangerous door.

I mean, once we go to that,

then suddenly you're invited
to the Fourth of July parade

and the meetings about speed
bumps and the child CPR classes.

I mean, I avoid all that stuff
at Ritchie's school.

I can't do it at home, too.

You know what I mean?

I'm too busy.

I'm so friendly
with my neighbors.

I just love that sense
of community.

It makes me
feel so safe.

Well, until the old man
on the corner asked me

if I wanted to see his penis.

I said no, 'cause I'd
already seen a penis.

It is a kind of
weird, Christine.

I mean, you've been living
here for five years;

you've never
met any of them.

Well, we'll meet them
at the next earthquake.

We're going to need
food and water,

'cause we just ate
our whole emergency kit.

You guys, what about
the Christmas spirit, huh?

What would Santa say
if he saw you hiding here

in your house, with
an undecorated tree,

avoiding your neighbors?

Yeah, I think
Santa already wrote me off

when I went into that trailer
with the Christmas tree guy.

I was a bit of a ho-ho-ho.

Santa doesn't write anybody off,
okay,

no matter how disgusting
they are.

Now, come on!

Let's go join the neighbors
for some Christmas cheer.

Look, you've got three unopen
bottles of wine on the counter.

Oh, oh, no, no, no,
that's not for sharing.

That's for emergencies.

I mean, what if
there's an earthquake?

Oh, wow!

Mmm! Smells
so good in here.

It smells like...

What is that, meat?

Help me find the meat,
Matthew.

Must that be
your first line

every time we walk
into a party or a bar?

Matthew, look, eggnog.

Don't let me drink too much.

You might get to unwrap
your present early.

I think she's my present.

God, why did I ever break up
with that woman?

Hello. I'm Jeanie.

This is my party.

I don't know you.

Oh, I'm your neighbor
from across the street.

Oh, you live
in the gray house?

Actually it's blue,
but aah, stuff happened.

My husband and I have been
trying to talk to you for years.

We even came over there
a couple of times,

but every time we walked
across the lawn,

the sprinklers went off.

Oh, yeah, sorry. I've got
those on a motion detector.

There've been so many
theories about you.

That you were in
the witness protection program.

That you were
in an iron lung.
Oh.

There's a couple of people
who actually thought

you were a prostitute.

Oh!

Hey, Susan! Susan, look
who took the night off.

Hi, Susan, hi.

No, no, no,
I'm not a prostitute.

Look at you.

You are stunning.

What are you, French?

No.
I'm jealous.
I hate you.

Oh, come on. There are
plenty of other good
reasons to hate me.

Honey, come here.
I want you to meet someone.

You're not going
to believe this.

Guess who this is.
I'll give you a hint:

The house the kids
are afraid of.

Oh, my gosh,
gray house!
Yeah!

Can you believe it?

Oh, well, it's
Christine, actually,

But you can call me
anything you want

if you show me where
you're hiding that meat.

Christine, this is
my husband, Josh.

Hi.
Hi.

It is nice to meet
you in person.
Oh, thank you.

I have to
apologize to you.

My dog's drawn
to your yard.

It's almost like you got
a pet cemetery there.

Oh, no, I don't,
I don't know about that.

Look at us.
We're so rude.

Honey, go get
Christie a drink.

Unless, of course,
you don't drink, which is fine,

but we drink.

We like to drink...
a lot.

Well, since I'm not driving,

I suppose you could
bring me a lot, too.

Ritchie, are you excited
for your first Kinderclausen?

- I guess.
- You guess?

Maybe you didn't notice that
Sinder-Pa left you a nice gift

underneath the
Kinderclausen ladder.

Oh, no, not that one.

That's for the baby.

No, no, not that one, either.
That's for the baby.

Nope, that's for the baby, too.

Sinder-Pa knew that Ritchie
was coming, right?

Of course.

Sinder-Pa has six eyes.
He sees everything.

Ritchie, yours is the one
wrapped in burlap,

next to the baby's pile.

I hope it's an Xbox 360.

Oh, no, Ritchie.

The gifts can't
be store bought.

Only the baby gets new things,
because it represents new life.

But as the oldest child,

your gifts are homemade,

so they really come
from the heart.

What is it?

It's a sweater.
I made it myself.

Some of my own hair
is in that sweater.

It's disgusting.

It's tradition,
unless you're the baby.

Why is everything
for the baby?

Because it's a baby.

Babies are wonderful.

I mean, teenagers
are wonderful, too.

They're like old babies
with braces.

Well, I'm sick of the baby.

Even Sinder-Pa
loves the baby more.

Sinder-Pa does not
love the baby more.

Sinder-Pa loves
everyone the same.

What the hell am I doing?

This is the worst Kinderclausen
ever!

He's not wrong.

I feel terrible.

Oh, he's just
having a hard time.

He's 13 years old.

He's been an only child

and the center of everyone's
world his whole life.

This baby's going to be
a huge change for him.

Maybe I should just
go get him an Xbox.

No! Then Kinderclausen would
be just like Christmas.

Everybody singing songs
and making wishes

and having those wishes
come true.

And what's wrong with that?

Well, if we do that,

we might as well give up
the rest of the holiday, too.

The walnuts in the shoes
to ensure prosperity,

the midnight arrival
of the "rhinedeer."

You mean reindeer?

No, rhinedeer.

Just give me one more chance
to make this work.

There's a tradition
for the oldest child

that I think is really going
to make Ritchie feel special.

It would have to be a
Kinderclausen miracle.

Oh, I swear, I don't know why I
avoided you guys for so long.

I guess I'm just kind of a
private person, you know?

Oh, yeah,
I was going to ask you.

Do you think you'll ever get
curtains in your bathroom?

Our teenage son is at that age.

He gets it from his dad.

Even though I'm no longer
getting it from his dad.

I can't even get this one
under the mistletoe.

You guys, that is my
exact kind of humor.

You look like you need
a little more wine, my darling.

Oh, well, you get me that wine,
you might just get that kiss.

Ooh!

Hey, Matthew, why have I
wasted so much time

avoiding these wonderful people?

They're as funny as I am.

Yeah, you really make me laugh.

Why was I
so afraid to get hurt

that I broke up with Lucy
for no good reason?

Why do we choose to be alone
when we could choose to be

a part of something bigger
than ourselves, you know,

part of a community,
part of a relationship?

From now on, I am going
to be a great neighbor.

And I am going
to be a great boyfriend.

Oh, finally.

Our Christmas miracle.

Oh, look... mistletoe.

All right, everybody,
we're gonna get ready

to go Christmas caroling.

Take a songbook;
there you go...

Oh, honey, you
don't have a coat.

Listen, why don't you run into
my bedroom and borrow something.

Okay.

The red one has
a flask in the pocket.

Oh! We have
the exact same taste in clothes.

Crap.

Hey, Matthew...

I have a big problem.

Oh, thank God.

Hey, listen.
It's okay.

We're gonna take it
one day at a time,

and we will buy an island
with the money we save on wine.

Shut up.

I don't have
a drinking problem.

I just saw Jeannie's husband
kissing another woman.

Ugh!
What are we going to do?

Exactly what we did when we saw
Dad kissing Mr. Halverson.

Stay out of it.

But we're a community.

We take care of each other.

If my husband were
kissing another woman,

I would want to know.

You don't have a husband.

I'm gonna tell her.
Poor thing.

You know, I should have left
her a little bit of this.

Hey, Jeannie?

I have to talk to you.

Have you seen Josh?
I can't find him anywhere.

He's supposed
to be giving out parts.

Oh... he's giving
out parts.

Sometis I don't
get your jokes.

Listen, Jeannie, um,
as your neighbor,

I think there's something
you should know.

I just saw Josh
kissing another woman.

What?!
I know.

I-I hated to be the
bearer of bad news,

but I know that if the
situation were reversed,

you would tell me.

Except you don't
have a husband.

Are you mad at me
for telling you?

No, of course not.

You did the
neighborly thing.

But it's Christmas.

We can't let a little
infidelity stop us.

It's the most wonderful
time of the year.

All right, who wants
to go caroling?

God bless her.

Only a real drinker could shove
her feelings down like that.

Okay, Ritchie...

I have something that I think
is going to cheer you up.

I didn't tell you
the best part of Kinderclausen.

As the eldest child,
you have a very special honor.

You get to name the baby.

Cool.

Uh, what?

Uh, no... no, I'm not sure
that's a great idea.

Which is surprising, since
this Kinderclausen holiday

seems so chock-full
of great ideas.

No, Richard, it's tradition.

The eldest child
is considered

the most special member
of the family.

I am?
Yes.

So if you want to go
and think about it...

No, no, no-- I already know
what I want to name the baby.

Oh, great.

Okay, place one hand
on my belly,

close your eyes,
and scream it to the north.

I hereby name the baby...

Xbox 360!

What?!
No, no, you can't
name the baby Xbox 360.

New Christine said I could.

And he just did.

You can't take it back,
once the eldest names the baby.

: The baby's
name is Xbox 360.

? Hark, thed angels sing ?

? Glory to... ?

Hold on, hold
on, hold on.

Everyone, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop.

Someone is flat.

Oh. Really?

Wow. I thought that
sounded pretty good.

No, I definitely
heard it.

Somewhere in this area.

What? Me?

Oh, no. I'm not flat.

I have perfect pitch.

Yeah, I come from
a really musical family.

In fact, my brother and I

have been compared
to Donny and Marie,

except he's
a little bit country

and I'm a little bit
more rock and roll.

Well, maybe at
the next house,

you can just
mouth the words,

and we'll see what
that sounds like.

:
? Hark, the heral-- ?

No.

:
? Hark the her-- ?

:
? Silent night ?

? Holy... ?

LUCY:
Oh, my God.

Is this somebody's
idea of a joke?

I think so.
It's not a great joke.

It's disgusting.

It offends me
to my very core.

They're making Santa
look like a fool.

He doesn't surf.

What if the real
Santa saw this?

Real Santa? Lucy, what
are you talking about?

It's a week
before Christmas.

This is crunch
time, okay?

This is when he's
finalizing his list.

Now is not the time
to be mocking him.

Uh, I have a question.

Lucy, do you believe
in Santa?

What are you asking me?

I'm asking, do you believe
there's a jolly old man

who lives at the North Pole
and delivers presents

in a reindeer-powered sled
to all the children?

No.

Okay.

Only good children.

Oh, my God...
I think I just remembered

why we broke up
the last time.

Me, too.

You're cynical.

No.
You're too tall.

Dress funny.
Kiss with your eyes open.

No, no, no, it's not me,
it's you-- you're too crazy.

Why am I too crazy?

Because I believe in a
being higher than myself?

Yes, if that being
shakes when he laughs

like a bowl
full of jelly.

Matthew, I don't want
to live in a world

where there's no Santa.

Lucky for you,
you don't live in that world.

Oh, bummer.

Jeannie, Jeannie, uh, can I
talk to you just for a second?

All right,
make it quick,

'cause I have a solo
at this next house.

Oh, okay.

You know, all of a sudden,
it seems like

you've got
a problem with me,

and I'm pretty sure it's not
because of my singing abilities.

Are you mad because
of that thing I told you

about your husband?

No, I'm mad because you
spend one night with us

and you think you know what's
going on in this neighborhood.

These relationships
have been developed

over many years, Christine.

See, we've been together
through four earthquakes,

seven break-ins, one
arson, a mini-riot--

this is a good community.

No, no, no, I wasn't
trying to do anything.

I mean, I was just
telling you what I saw.

You don't know
what you saw.

There's a lot that goes on
that you don't understand.

So you need to just sit back
and get to know people first

before you start
spreading hurtful gossip.

Maybe you're right.
I'm sorry.

Just... when I-I saw
your husband's tongue

go down that lady's throat,

I just jumped
to conclusions.

It's the holiday season.

People drink too much,
there's mistletoe.

My goodness, not
everything means something.

Maybe I misread the situation.

I'm-I'm really sorry.

All right.

Well, thanks for
saying that.

I really appreciate that.

God, Christine,
you were so judgy.

I'm just not that
kind of person.

You thought
I was a prostitute.

All right, you got me; I'm
totally that kind of person.

I want to tell you what I think
of your brother's girlfriend

so badly it's killing me.

Can we just start over?

Does that still mean I can be
a part of the neighborhood?

Of course!

Oh.
And I think when you
spend some time with us,

you'll really see
what we're all about.

Oh, good, good!

Oh, bummer.

Okay, Ritchie, the thing
about being in a family

is that you need
to take everyone's needs

into consideration
and be flexible.

So we're modifying
Kinderclausen.

Forgive me, nter-ma.

Oh, my God.

Xbox 360!

So here's the deal--

pick a new name for the
baby and you get the Xbox.

Because whatever youose
this time is going to stick.

Okay.

I name it...

Paintball Gun!

That's it!

Kinderclausen
is oicially over.

I am never leaving
this house again.

And I'm gonna
die alone.

You know, it's a really
messed-up world

when we are the two
most normal people in it.

Lucy was so sure
Santa was real.

She's such a...

Freak?
Yeah.

Santa?

It's either that or rats

chewing through
the wiring in the attic.

Rats.

rry Christmas,
tthew.

Merry Christmas,
Christine.