The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 12 - A Whale of a Tale - full transcript

Hey, Matthew. Thanks for coming
and watching Ritchie for me.

Whoa, look at you.

You're all dressed up.
Do you have a school thing?

No. Are you kidding me? I would
never look this nice for school.

Last week, I went
to a PTA meeting

in a poncho
and a pair of bike shorts.

Yeah, uh, by the way, a blanket
with arms is not a poncho.

Eh, nobody cared.

Yeah.
The social worker cared.

Lipstick?
Fake eyelashes?

You're not a prostitute,
are you?



Because if you are,
I owe Mom 20 bucks.

No. I've actually made
a very important decision.

I am going to tell Dr. Kershaw

that I love him.

You're going to tell your
therapist that you love him?

Well, he's not going
to be my therapist for long.

Soon, he is going
to be my lover.

Please don't use that word.

I have asked you
so many times.

I mean, it's
a real pet peeve of mine.

Look, I know
that Max and I agreed

to keep our relationship
professional, but I can't.

You know? I love him,
and I can't shake it.

Well, then, why don't you
just let me help you shake it?



Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Come on!
He is my colleague.

He is your doctor.
You're inappropriate.

Oh, well, I don't care
what you think, Matthew,

because I know that
Dr. Kershaw loves me.

Oh, your therapist
doesn't love you.

Yes, he does! You don't see
the way he stares at me.

The way he hangs
on my every word.

Because you're paying
him to do that.

Well, I'm not
paying him, okay?

My "insurance"
is taking care of that.

Christine, this
isn't love.

You're just experiencing
transference.

It's very common
in analysis.

What would you know
about it?

I'm a therapist.

You're-- listen.

You're just putting these
feelings onto Max to make up

for things you didn't get
in your childhood.

The same thing happened
to me when I was treating Lucy.

You saw how that ended up.

I mean,
it was a complete disaster.

I wonder how she is.
Do you think I should call her?

No. Of course not.
You guys broke up.

That would be
inappropriate.

Are my boobs even?

For your age.

Look, I know your feelings
for Max feel real to you,

but they're not, okay?
Would you just do me one favor?

Wait two weeks, and if you still
feel the same way towards him,

you know, come back to me,
and I'll shake you again.

All right,
I'll wait two weeks.

But only because I couldn't get
a waxing appointment

until then, anyway.

So, actually,
the timing will be perfect.

And then,
I can make Max my lover.

I'm calling that social worker.

Okay. Last time we met,
you were talking

about how angry you were
at your son for growing up.

Should we continue with that?

I love you.

All right.

You think you love me.
Let's talk about that.

No, no.
I don't think I love you.

I really do love you.

No, you don't.

I simply represent
all the people

that you couldn't get
to love you. Your father,

your mother,
your orthodontist,

all those guys
in middle school,

all those guys
in high school,

Tony Danza...
Okay!

Okay. I get it.
Couldn't get love.

But, look.
This is different, okay?

I know what I'm feeling is real.

I feel it here.
I feel it here.

A lile bit here.

Please don't do that.

Uh, okay, let's say,

for the sake of argument,
that you do love me.

Okay, look, I know that we
said that we wouldn't do this.

But I have been feeling this

since the first day
that I met you.

And let's be honest,

I don't think my mental
health has improved a lick.

So, I mean, what
have we got to lose?

You can't love me, Christine,
because you don't know me.

You know nothing about me.

I do. I know lotse, Christine,
because of stuff about you.

I know you're uncomfortable
when people swear.

I don't mind swearing.

You know, if you'd use a noun
and a verb on occasion,

that would be
a nice change of pace.

I know the pediatrician
next door would appreciate it.

Okay, well, I know lots
of other things, too.

I know that you are super anal

about all the stuff
in your office.

Anal?
That's absolutely not true.

Oh, really?
Uh-huh.

(chuckles)

What I'm finding interesting
about this

is that you're trying
to divert attention onto me

when we should be
talking about you.

Very interesting

Okay, don't.

Please.

Christine.

I mean it.

Okay.

Utter chaos!

Sorry, sorry. Sorry.

I apologize for that.

Let me just, uh,

get my things
back in order,

and we can continue.

You see? You see?
I do know you.

And what I know, I love.

I love you, Dr. Kershaw.

(sighs)

What do you have
to say about that?

Christine...

Oh, God.

I don't love you.

I'm sorry.

You're a patient.
That's all.

You're not even my
favorite patient.

And I definitely,
most certainly,

don't love you.

Well, are you sure?

Positive.

Oh...

Oh. Oh, uh...

I, uh, I got
to get out of here.

I've never been so humiliated.
Don't look at me.

You don't have
to be humiliated.

Let's talk about it.

No, I don't want
to talk about this, okay?

Don't look at me.

Come on. We can work this out.

It's an important part
of therapy.

Therapy? Are you kidding me?

No. Therapy is over.

Christine, come back.

Yes? Yes?

You forgot your purse.

(stammering)
Keep it.

No, well,
just throw it to me.

Don't look at me!

Ow!

And left corner to right.

Shake it out.

And meet in
the middle.

See? Isn't it fun doing
our laundry together?

Yeah, this is exactly
what I was hoping for

when we got
our bachelor pad.

(knocking at door)

Hi. I'm sorry to bother you,

but I think you might have been
in the laundry room before me.

You left this in the dryer.

Oh, my monkey face T-shirt.

I would have been lost
without that. Thank you.

I knew it was yours 'cause I saw
you wearing it by the pool.

I said, "Hi,"
but you didn't say anything.

Well, of course not.
I don't know you.

Well, that certainly
clears it up.

I guess I'll see you around.

Okeydokey.
Thanks again.

Matthew,

what's wrong with you?

That girl was hot.
And she was flirting with you.

No, she wasn't flirting with me.
Where'd you get "flirting"?

How did you not
get "flirting"?

She licked her lips,
she batted her eyes,

she touched her hair
when she talked.

Why do I even have
a subscription to Men's Health

if you're not going
to use it?

Well, what was I
supposed to do?

Just take her right here
on top of the laundry pile?

Sure.

The signals could not
have been clearer.

You could have totally
taken her as your lover.

I've asked you
not to say that.

You know, I'm a little
worried about you.

You haven't even
been out on a date

since you
and Lucy broke up.

You've got to get
back out there.

I don't like it back out there.

I got hurt back outhere.

No. You can't take time off.

Use it or lose it. You get
one shot in life, Matthew.

Let me tell you a story.

Oh, my God.

If this is another story
about how you missed your chance

with Adrienne Barbeau,
I'm moving out.

It was Adrienne Barbeau,
and I blew it!

Okay?

I have to live
with that every day.

(sobs)

Oh...

What? No!

A flat? No!

I got to get out of here!

Oh. Excuse me, sir?

Do you know how
to change a tire?

Yes.
Oh, good.

Because I am just having
such a terrible day.

I just told my therapist
that I love him,

and he didn't say it back.

And now I have a flat tire

(crying): and I've got
to get out of here

because I love
Dr. Kershaw!

I changed my mind.

You're crazier
than you are cute.

I am so tired of hearing that!

Come on, you mother! Come on!

(grunting)

Christine?

Oh, God.

What are you doing here?

Well, I park down here.

Along with the other doctors.

I think the better question is,
why are you parked

in Dr. Rice's and
Dr. Bartoli's space?

Okay you know what?
Could you just keep moving?

I don't need any help from you.

It looks like you do.

No. I have got this
under control.

(grunting)

Don't you have AAA?

At $35 dollars a year?
No, thank you.

All my money's going
to pay someone to not love me.

All right, all right.
Don't be such a baby.

Would you let
me help you?

(grunting)

Come here.

Do you have any idea
what it feels like

to pour out your heart
to somebody,

only to have them reject you
to your face?

You know,
it just feels horrible.

Listen to me.
I know what happened up there

was uncomfortable for you.

But if we're going
to get past this,

we're going to need
to discuss your feelings for me.

Oh, my God.

Christine,
I'm serious.

It's important we
talk about this.

You know what?
On second thought, I'm good.

What?

I don't love you anymore.

Hey, look what I got.

What is that?

It's a bra, Matthew.

It's where the boobs go.

I know what it is.
Why do you have it?

It's that cute girl's.

I mixed up some of your laundry,

and I took this
out of the dryer.

She's going to come up here
to look for it,

and then you can
make your move on her.

She put her bra in the dryer?

I don't think you're supposed
to do that with delicates..

God, smell this.

Is that fabric softener,
or is that boob?

Um, is that my bra?

Uh, it was in with our laundry,

and we were just trying
to determine who, uh...

(sniffing)

Oh, yeah, I-I think
we have a match.

(chuckles nervously)
Here.

Uh, I'm Matthew, by the way.

I'm Hannah.

I'm Richard.

Yocan call me Rick.

How about Dick?

I'm not talking to you.

Well, nice
meeting you.

Thank you.

I'm not talking to you.

Don't let her be
your Adrienne Barbeau, Matthew.

Hey, Hannah.

Uh, I was wondering

if you'd like to
get a drink sometime?

How about now?

Now's good.

Now's real good.

Hey, Rick, back off.

So, you don't want
to talk about it?

No, I don't need to.

I'm, uh, not in love
with you anymore.

You're not?

Nope.

Totally over it.

'Cause it's been,
like, 30 minutes.

You were basically dying
of heartbreak in my office.

Wh-What's going on?

I don't know.

I just realized
you're right, you know.

This isn't real love.

I shouldn't have
said I love you.

I was thong-- wrong.

You're wearing a thong.

Oh, God.

You saw that?

Yeah, well, I mean,
when you were bending over,

I saw your whale tail
peeking out of your jeans.

Oh, no.
Oh, no.

This is bad.

Please let me explain.

No, you don't
have to explain, okay?

I mean, my therapist can wear

women's underwear
if he wants to.

No! It's not women's
underwear.

M-My sister is trying to
market the male thong.

Or "mong," as
she calls it.

Oh, good.

It's not a thong, it's a mong.

That's so much better.

Yeah, I love you again.

I-I told her I'd
wear the prototype

and-and give
her feedback.

I got some feedback for you.

Yuck.

I'm trying to fix
your tire here!

And-and I was just trying
to do my sister a favor.

Ever since
her divorce,

I-I've been encouraging
her to find her passion.

Who knew her
passion would be

turning me into a
Victoria's Secret model.

Th-That's what you get
for being a good guy.

And, hey, hey.

So you're suddenly off me
because I'm wearing a mong?

A-Are you really that
fickle and shallow?

Yes, I'm really
that fickle and shallow.

I once broke up with a guy

'cause he was in
a barbershop quartet.

What's wrong with being
in a barbershop quartet?

Anyway, what do you care?
You don't even like me.

So what if I don't
like your thong?

Mong. It's a mong.

Okay, whatever.

You know what,
I-I'm going to go

and finish fixing your tire
because I am a gentleman.

And I will thank you
kindly not to stare.

Well, that I cannot promise.

(laughing)

Oh, uh, let me
get you a refill.

Not really a sipper, are you?

How's it going?

Uh, yeah, it's, uh,
very well, I think.

Every time she laughs,
she touches my knee.

Oh, that's so awesome.
Just give me the signal

when you want me to clear out.

What kind of a signal?

Matthew, can I see your bedroom?

That's the
signal. Okay.

Get the hell out, Rick.

Hi, Dad.
Ritchie.

What are you doing here?

You said I could have

some friends over
today, remember?

Of course.

I remember
all our conversations.

H-How long is the playdate,
did we say?

Uh, Richard,
could we come in?

It's all apartment-y
out here.

I saw some people
getting their mail.

Girls, go on inside.

Don't be afraid.

Remember, we went to
Nanny's apartment once

and nothing bad happened.
Yeah.

Come on, guys.

Yeah, I'll have a Diet Coke.

Oh, me, too.

And a shrimp cocail.

Who are you talking to?

Ooh, on second thought,
I'll have a Cobb salad

Ooh, and a chardonnay.
Yeah.

And could we get
some bread for the table?

And why are we still
standing in the foyer?

You know what,
I'm just gonna get

my food to go.
All right.

Uh, I'm sorry, Hannah.

Richard forgot that my nephew
has a playdate.

And those women think
they're at a restaurant.

I-I think we're going to
have to postpone this.

No! No, you can't.

Hannah, what about your place?

Uh, my roommate runs her
businessut of our apartment.

It's not the best.

What aut
Christine's place?

It's the middle of the
workday; she'll be at home.

(phone ringing)

(answering machine beeps)

CHRISTINE:
Matthew, it's me.

Oh, you're not gonna
believe this.

I told Max I loved him,
and it didn't go well.

And now I'm stranded in a
parking garage with a flat tire.

Call me back.

I knew she was
gonna do it.

I got to go get her.

I swear to you, Matthew.

If you go rescue your sister
instead of taking that woman

back to your sister's empty
house, I will never forgive you.

Don't you understa,ur sister
I'm living through you now.n

It's over for me.

Let me tell you a story.

No, no, no, no.
That's okay.

I-I'll do it,
I'll do it.

Uh, Hannah, I'm sorry.

I know this is
a little crazy, but...

I'll go anywhere
where Rick isn't.

There.

Think we did it.

Or I did it.

You just stood there
sending pictures

of my butt crack to Barb.

Would you give me that phone.

Barb says "LMAO," by the way.

(laughing)

Oh, f... fiddle!

Fudge fiddle!

Fiddle poop!

Your spare was flat!

Wh...

No, my spare
wasn't flat.

You put the same
flat tire back on!

And seriously... fiddle poop?

I have never met anybody
who hates swearing

(laughs):
as much as you do.

Okay, that's funny.
Stop--

Don't laugh, Christine.
I'm-- really, I don't like that.

Why? What's going to happen?

Are you going to go
ape-poop on me?

It's hardly funny.

I spent three hours doing that.

Four hours.

And I called 15 people
to come and help me,

no one called me back.

God, not even e person
gives a crap

that I'm stranded alone
in a parking garage.

(laughing)

What?

N-Nobody cares about you.

What?!
(laughing)

Oh!

That's not fu--
That's funny? Wow.

Maybe you should try
calling Tony Danza.

(both laugh)

No, I'm not allowed to.

(laughing)

This is the stupidest day.

I-I just put a flat tire
back on a car,

you told me you love me,

and I have got a wedgie
like you wouldn't believe.

(laughing)

Ow.
Oh. Oh.

(sighs)

You don't have any water
back here, do you?

Uh...

I don't know.

Not really
much of a water girl.

Oh.

Oh, I got
some groceries though.

I got some crackers
and cheese and wine.

Picnic.

(chuckles)

Mmm. Nice and warm.

Hey, I'm sorry I gave you
so much grief about,

you know, your thong.

Actually, I think
it's kind of sexy.

Really?

No.

But I mean, I think it's nice

that you're so close
to your sister.

It's like me and Matthew.

You're not
going to tell

a bunch of people
about my mong, right?

Oh, I don't think
there's anyone

who is not going to hear
about your mong.

I'm sorry.

I understand.

(chuckles)

What's wrong?

What are you wearing?

What?

Oh, you felt that?

That's a mong.

See, um, there's this guy
at work whose sister...

That's why you were
smelling my bra.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, they're thongs for men.

They're mongs.

You're a freak.

You like ladies underwear.

No, no, no.
But I'm a great, great lover.

Ew. I hate that word.

See? We're perfect
for each other!

Okay...

(groans)
Oh!

What are we doing?

I thought you didn't like me.

You kidding?

Ow!
Oh!

I've liked you since
the minute I saw you.

(sighs):
Oh!

I knew it.

See? I'm not crazy.

Well...

Well, it doesn't matter.

I was right.

I like you, you like me.

I am a terrible
therapist.

But you're a fantastic kisser.

This is so
unprofessional!

Then you're fired.

Thank you.

(chuckles)

(moans)

Damn it.

So then Adrienne Barbeau said,
"Please tell me you're legal."

But I got scared.

So I got on my bike
and I rode away.

Oh.
Oh.

And then he got on his bike
and rode away.

And I never saw him again.