The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 13 - Truth or Dare - full transcript

I can't... I'm just...

I-I don't know what to get.

How about glasses?

I don't need glasses.

They're for old people.

Why don't you
just order for me,

and I'll sit here
and look youthful.

Mm.

Boy, I hope that was you.

Seriously, you know what,
I can't see anything.

You know, this is
our three-week anniversary.
Oh.



Not that I keep track
of anniversaries,

'cause that'd be girly.

But... But, if you want,
after this,

we could go to Color Me Mine

and make a couple of
anniversary mugs.

Wow. That actually
sounds good to me.

I must really like you.

Nothing about you
bugs me yet; nothing.

I mean, that's, like,
a new record for me.

Although I got very close
when you announced

your "no shoes" policy
at your house.

Yeah, but you were back on board

when I announced
the "no pants" policy.

Yeah, I was on board.



I love you.

You're the best.

You know, I'm really glad

you don't throw
"I love you's" around,

because I know,
when you actually say it,

you're really
going to mean it.

When do you think
that's going to be?

Mm.
Oh.

Sorry, I told
Ritchie to text me

when he finished
his homework.

And to be fair, I didn't think

he knew how to text
or to finish his homework.

Uh...

Yeah, I can't-- uh,
can you, um, can you...?

"I've been
thinking about you."

Oh.

"And I was wondering

if you're free to get together
on Saturday night."

Oh, cute.

It's from someone
named Daniel Harris.

Oh.

Oh!

You're kidding me.

Daniel? Oh.
Give me that.

Who's Daniel?
What? No.

It's no one.
It's just an old boyfriend.

Seriously, don't, give
me the phone, okay?

Wow, this is quite a reaction.

I don't remember you mentioning

an old boyfriend named
Daniel Harris before.

Well, there's nothing
wrong with that.

I mean, that's not weird.

That doesn't mean anything.

Except that you've mentioned

every other ex-boyfriend
you've ever had.

Burton, Papa Jeff, Sad Dad,
Jack In The Box voice.

Okay, so I've made
some bad choices,

and I forgot to mention
Mr. Harris. So what?

Yeah, well, I've been a
therapist long enough to know

it's what you don't say that is
usually the most significant.

Okay, I will just text him

and tell him that
I'm involved with somebody.

You don't have to.

Wait, what?

We've only been
going out for three weeks.

We haven't said we're exclusive.

We haven't even made
our anniversary mugs yet.

So... go out with him,
if you want to.

Well, I didn't
say I wanted to.

Yeah, but you didn't say
you didn't want to.

And I've been
a therapist long enough

to know it's what you don't say

that is usually the most...
Okay, okay.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Look at you, you're all
red-faced and sweaty.

This guy's obviously
causing a reaction.

I'm red-faced and sweaty because
I have had two glasses of wine

and my date Spanx are
squeezing the life out of me.

I think that's how
Houdini died.

You know, you don't
have to be so flip.

Okay, look, I think you should
explore these feelings.

I think you should
go out with him.

Well, if you don't
stop saying that,

I will go out with him
just to teach you a lesson.

I want you to.

In fact, I'll do it
for you-- here:

"That sounds great.

"See you then.

XXOO, LOL... USA."

Yeah.

Now, what looks good?

CHRISTINE:
Okay.

Ritchie's playing video games.

He's had no bath, no food...

And no good role models.

I can't believe you're
going through with this

just to spite Max.

What? It's not spite.

He's practically dared me
to go out with Daniel.

Well, did he
double-dog dare you?

Well, because if not,
and your fingers were crossed,

you can olly olly oxen free
and get out of it.

Don't joke about this, Matthew.

I totally overestimated
Max's feelings for me.

You know, I told him
that I loved him,

and he told me
he thought I was the best.

You should be
used to that from Dad.

He couldn't care less
if I go out with other guys.

I'm so glad I'm not
in a relationship.

No, I'm not.

Look, there's no way

going out with
some old boyfriend

is going to make you forget
about your feelings for Max.

Unless it's
this old boyfriend.

CHRISTINE:
Wow.

Mr. Harris,
you look great.

Christine, I almost forgot
how beautiful you are.

You, too.

I-I mean, I think
you're beautiful.

Well, things haven't
changed around here.

Come on in.

So, um...

what do we have on
for tonight?

Okay, my 25th high school
reunion is tonight.

Oh.
Would you mind if
we stop by there

for a little bit
before we go to dinner?

The Jaguars are expecting
me to make an appearance.

You were a Jaguar?

I was a Cougar!

Still are.

Oh.

Thank you.

No, wait,
I don't like that.

It'll be quick. The team's
getting back together

for a picture and they want
the quarterback in it, so...

Oh, look at us.

The cheerleader
and the quarterback.

You weren't a cheerleader.

I wore short skirts

and I slept with
all the football players.

What else would you
call it, Matthew?

I would call Mr. Harris
a lucky man.

Okay, it's been
two years.

Is anyone ever going
to call me Daniel?

Oh, well,
at this point, it seems

disrespectful.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

What you doing?

I didn't want
to disturb you.

Uh, you peering at me through
the window is disturbing.

Uh, Christine's not here.

Oh, I'm, I-I'm, I'm not
here about Christine.

No, no, I, um, I-I
came over to see you

about some, some
office business.

Oh, we have
office business?

Oh, yes.

Um, regarding
lunch tomorrow...

Mm-hmm.
...I thought we'd try this
new restaurant, and I, uh,

I brought the menu by
so you could peruse it.

You're too late;
she's gone.

Too late?
Who's gone?

Where'd she go?

You know tonight was
Christine's date

and Mr. Harris
already picked her up,

and, uh, once you go
Mr. Harris, you never go back.

What's wrong with you?

I thought
you liked her.

I do.

Yeah, but you set
her up

on a date
with her ex-boyfriend.

Look, I know
what I'm doing.

I have a tendency
in relationships

to, to hold on too tight.

That's how I lost
my last two girlfriends...

and-and my cat.

And my housekeeper.

So I just, I just-- I'm just
giving Christine some space.

You know,
who was it that said

"If you love something,
set it free.

"If it comes back, it's yours.

If it doesn't, it never was"?

I think that was Baloo
from The Jungle Book.

Wise bear.

See, I take the
pressure off

by letting her go out
with Mr. Harris,

and it makes her want me more.

You haven't seen Mr. Harris,
have you?

No, why?

That's him?

God, he's beautiful.

Why do you think
he's my screen saver?

I wish I'd had that information

before I encouraged her
to go out out with him,

but, uh, it's fine.

I mean, she obviously broke up
with him for a reason.

No, actually,
he broke up with her.

She was devastated.

Ah.

So many things I wish I had
known before I encouraged her.

Is he boring?

Delightful.
Conceited?

Wouldn't you be?

Bad in bed?

Better than he has to be.

Stupid?

Not nearly as stupid as you.

Oh, God.

I am so glad
you could make it tonight.

Hey, Daniel, I have
a confession to make.

Boy, I hate
when dates start this way.

I've been seeing someone,
and I thought it was serious,

but then I just
found out it isn't,

so I'm kind of in a
weird place right now.

So you're just using me
as a rebound

to get over your boyfriend.

Yes, but I also
wanted you to see me,

because I've lost three pounds
since you broke up with me.

Okay.

Actually, the reason
I brought you here tonight is

because my old girlfriend
is going to be here

and I didn't want
to show up alone.

What?!
You're just using me?!

I can't believe that.

You just told me
you're doing the same thing.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Since I've lost
all that weight,

I've become
a little irrational.

But I'm flattered
that you thought of me

to show off
to your old girlfriend.

Yeah, nothing will make Alison
angrier than me showing up

with a pretty white woman
with a big butt.

Well, if it's a big butt
you want,

I should take off
these date Spanx.

Welcome back,
Jaguars.

Hey, wait, you're not a Jaguar.

She's a cougar.

I said I didn't
like that.

Okay, Jaguar plus one.

We put your senior photos
on the name tags

so everybody
can recognize you...

although I recognize you.

He was the first boy
that ever touched my bra.

Yeah, I didn't want to;
she left it on my lunch tray.

Oh, my God.

Did you ever go through
an awkward phase?

My senior picture,

my acne medication
had dried my face out.

I looked like a block
of Parmesan cheese

with a Joan
Jett haircut.

Yeah, but look
at you now

with your beautiful skin and
your Linda Ronstadt haircut.

That guy you're dating was
crazy to let you get away.

Yeah, you're right.
Screw Max.

He doesn't love me;
you love me.

N-Now, remember,
I'm just using you

to get to my old girlfriend.
Oh, yeah.

Love comes in many forms.

You sent her out on a date
with Mr. Harris?

What's the matter with you?

I was trying to give her
her space.

It's Mr. Harris.

That's like sending the fat kid
to the chocolate factory

and expecting him
not to get sucked into a tube.

Yeah, it's like sending me
out on a date with Mr. Harris.

And I say that
as a straight man

with very confused feelings.

This is not entirely
my fault, you know.

I mean, in a
million years,

I never thought Christine's
ex would look like that.

I figured he'd
look like you.

Fair enough.

God, I screwed
everything up.

So what are you going
to do about it?
What can I do?

I-I sent her on a date
with the sexiest man alive.

I mean, look at him.

He's-- I can't compete
with that.

Why do you have a picture of
Mr. Harris on your cell phone?

I asked Matthew
to forward it to me.

It's not even
a good picture.

Look at this-- of him
playing tennis with no shirt.

Oh, I-I don't have that one.
Will you forward that one?

Could you do that
with me, too?

Okay, guys, guys,
this is not exactly helping me.

Fine. Send me
the tennis one, too.

Look, you can't
just give up

and let Mr. Harris
walk away with her.

What am I supposed to do?

Fight for her.

That's all she's
ever wanted

was someone to
fight for her.

And to meet
Judge Judy.

If I'd fought for her

when we were going
through a hard time,

we'd probably
still be married.

Me, too.

I'm sorry,
that's just not who I am.

She's a grown woman.
She can make her own choices.

Okay, first of all,
she's hardly a grown woman.

She's still
losing teeth.

And-And-And second,
she's only out with him

because you forced her to.
You dared her.

You dared her?!

You can't dare Christine.

That's like sending Matthew
out on a date with Mr. Harris.

When you say it,
it sounds creepy.

She'll do anything
on a dare.

Anything?

Anything.

Except the laundry.

And butt stuff.

You know what?

Before I was hurt,
but now I'm just angry.

I told you,
it's not an insult.

A big butt
is a good thing.

No.
I'm talking about Max.

You know, he practically
dared me to go out with you.

You know me and dares.

Oh, I remember.
Got us kicked out of Disneyland.

Serve him right if I went
home with you tonight.

Yeah.

Alison deserves that, too.

You know she broke up
with me because I wear Peds?

Wha...? Peds?!

You mean those little socks
with the balls on the back?

No, no, not lady Peds.

Peds... for men.

♪ ♪

All right.
Well, you know what?

Screw them.

Max doesn't want me,
Alison doesn't want you,

why are we even talking
about them?
Yeah.

It's pathetic trying to prove
something to two people

who aren't here, instead
of enjoying each other.

Huh. You enjoy me?

I used to enjoy you.

I used to enjoy you, too.

We're so enjoyable together.

Yeah!

Maybe we should forget
about Max and Alison.

I mean, they've obviously
forgotten about us.

Well, that's true.

Maybe we should see

if there's anything
left between us.

Oh!

Is that a dare?

What if it is?

Well, get ready
for a cougar attack.

Hi.

Is there a Daniel Harris
at this reunion?

Oh, yeah, he's here.

He got here about
22 minutes ago.

He looks exactly the same.

Look, I got a picture of him

when he came in
on my cell phone.

Could you forward
that to me?

Okay, Max,
the crazy ends now.

Ooh, that's not crazy.

That's my new
screen saver.

Oh, hey, no one's supposed to
go in there without a name tag!

Whoa, whoa.

Can I get your names,
please?

Emily...

Are you kidding?

It's me.

Rhoda Zimmerman.

Rhoda?

You look a little...

What?

I look a little what, Emily?

Oh, nothing.

It's really nice to see you
again, Rhoda.

Go, Jaguars!

Name?

Um... Patrick...

McKinsey.
Oh, my God.

You actually came.

I wouldn't have recognized you.

What, did you lose,
like 200 pounds?

Oh, good God.

Yeah, looks like.

Oh, my gosh.

I know why you're here.

It's because of our vow.

Oh, crap. A vow.

Remember?

We said if we were
both still single

at our 25-year reunion,
we were going to do it.

Are you ready
to get it on?

Um... Oh, well,
don't worry about that.

I'm not going to
hold you to it.

No, I want you to.

Hold me to it, Patrick.

And don't let go.

And don't try and ditch me,
because I will find you.

Where am I going to go?

Where am I going to go?

I really had forgotten
how fun you are.

Stupid Max.

Are we still talking
about him?

No, not now.
Now, we're talking about us.

Oh, it's us already?

Mm-hmm.
All right.

Do you see her?
No.

She's not near the mini
franks or the Mojitos,

so she probably left.

Oh, wait. Is that...

Uh-oh.
What?

Uh-oh.

Uh, I just realized
you're right.

Uh, Christine probably
needs some space.

And possibly some
birth control.

Come on, let's get
out of here.
What? What are you...?

MAX:
Oh, my God.

I'm too late.

She's kissing Prince Charming,

and now they're going to
live happily ever after.

They will! It's the law!

I'm so sorry.

I can't believe it.

I lost her.

I lost the woman I love.

It's my housekeeper,
all over again.

Wait, you love Christine?

Of course I do.

Well, why didn't you
tell her that?

I didn't want to scare her.

Besides, doesn't matter
now, anyway.

She obviously has something
going on with Mr. Harris.

And I'm not sure which one
I'm more jealous of.

Oh, look, I-I knew her
with Mr. Harris.

And it was okay, but it's
not what you guys had.

I mean, it was more just
physical desire.

Just sex, you know?

I'm going to throw up
in your face.
Okay, no.

Listen, what I'm saying is
it's different with you.

She laughs more with you,
she's more secure,

she doesn't have
to try so hard.

I mean, you make
her happy.

I want to make her happy,
Matthew.

I love her.

Then go.

Go be with my sister.

God, everything I say
now sounds creepy.

Huh.

Yeah.
Right?

Uh... what happened?
This used to be better.

We didn't used to have
to work so hard.

I think you're still
thinking about him.

Who?
Max.

Oh, no, I'm not.

I don't care about him.

Oh, my God!
Max is here!

Hello, Christine.

Mr. Harris.

This is Max.

When I heard you were
seeing someone,

I thought he'd, um,
look more like me.

Fair enough.

It's nice to meet you.

I've heard a lot
about you.

I'm a yellow belt.

And I'm here to fight
for my woman.

Isn't yellow belt
one above the lowest?

Oh, yeah.

Let's do this.

I'm not going to fight you.
This is my reunion.

People are dancing.

All right then.

Dance-off.

Seriously?

This is the guy you couldn't
stop talking about?

Well, you know,
it's hard to explain love.

I love you, too.

What?

You love me?

Of course.

Well, then, Max,
why didn't you say so?

I was just trying to
give you your space.

I don't want space,
I want you.

Okay, what happened
to us?

Oh, there's not going to
be an us-- I'm sorry.

We're just not
attracted to--

she's just not
attracted to you.

I'm going to find Alison.

Or anyone.

Is Rhoda Zimmerman here?

Are you having
a good time?
No.

The only thing worse than
your own reunion

is someone else's reunion.

Rhoda Zimmerman is
having a blast.

I even won an award:
"Most Changed."

I feel terrible.

I told Emily the truth.

She was devastated.

That poor girl has nothing.

What would it have hurt

to have thrown her a little
vitamin Campbell?

It wouldn't have been me,

it would have been
Patrick McKinsey.

I don't think she's ever
going to get over this.

Mike Buttons?

I didn't think
I'd see you here.

Do you remember our vow?

I hope you're ready
to get it on.

Where you going?

I'm going to go fight
for my woman.

What were you thinking
showing up here like that?

Threatening to fight
Mr. Harris?

I don't know.

You make me do
crazy things.

You make me do
crazy things, too.

I was going to sleep
with Mr. Harris.

Let's talk about
something else.

I'm glad you love me.

Oh, I do.

Against my better judgment,
eight years of higher education

and nearly 20 years
as a therapist.

I can't help it.
Y-You're just...

you're the most fascinating
person I've ever met.

You know, you're
so complicated,

and yet as simple
as a four-year-old.

You know, you're...
you're funny.

You're sexy as hell.

You're like a bird
that smashes into a window

and then just wobbles
around in circles,

trying to figure out
how it got here.

You're the perfect
person for me.

♪ Yeah, come on, girl... ♪

(funky beat throbbing)

Will you dance with me?

Oh, yeah.
You betcha.

♪ ♪

Oh. Wow.

Seriously, perfect
person for me.