The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 14 - A Family Unfair - full transcript

Okay, this is going
to be a little cold.

I'm going to put some jelly
on your belly.

(laughs)

Richard, we talked about this.
Sorry.

Wait, wait!
What'd I miss?

Dr. Volk was just about
to put some jelly
on the belly.

(laughs)

You know, it's okay
if you want to wait outside.

This is for family only.

Oh, I'm family.

I was married to him
and we have a kid,



so technically
I'm the baby's...

stepmom once-divorced.

Twice-divorced.

Twice-divorced

Okay, well, what we're
going to be looking for...

Wait, wait, wait.
We're here.
And you are?

Oh, I'm the brother
of the father's first ex-wife.

And that's my dad.

So I'm the baby's half-brother.

Okay, do you guys mind
if we get started?

If we wait any longer,
we can meet the baby in person.

Let's do it.

All right.
BARB:
Wait, wait!

Don't start! What'd I miss?



Did they already put the jelly
on the belly?

I'm just going to assume

that you're a part of this
oddly-exteed family,

since you share the same
sophisticated sense of humor.

I'm practically
the most related.

I'm his wife.

Wait. What?

Then who are you?

His ex-fiancée.

But he was once
married to you?

Yeah, so was she.

Twice-divorced.

Okay.

So, we have
the ex-fiancée, the ex-wife,

the ex-wife
of the ex-wife,

who is the father's
current wife,

brother, half-son.

Can we start or are we waiting
for the incestuous uncle?

Oh, Uncle Don's coming?

No, he's not.
We're good.

All right,
there is the sac.

Oh, a boy! Thank God.

I was going to pretend
I'd be happy if it was a girl.

The egg sac.

I'd be fine if
it was a girl.

And that right there
is your baby.

My baby.
Our baby.

(gasps):
My baby!

Wasn't that amazing?

Seeing that sonogram
of that baby.

Looking into the face
of that perfect little person.

How'd you get "person"
from tt?

Looked like something
my grandfather hocked up.

Hey, hey! You're talking
about our baby.

You know it's not
your baby, right?

Yeah, of course.

I'm just the half-mother.

Hmm.

How do you figure?

Well, I was married to Richard

and I'm the mother
of his first child.

When the baby's born,

it'll be the half-sibling
of my full son,

making me the half-mother.

Half-witted mother.

Yeah, you can make
all the jokeyou want,

but I was moved.

You know, we're really a family.

We're making it work.

And now, we're having a baby.

And frankly,
I'm relieved, you know?

'Cause it takes
the pressure off of me

having another kid right now.

I think that pressure
you're feeling is menopause.

Shut up! Okay?

I was moved.

And to show how supportive
I am of New Christine,

I'm going to give her
Ritchie's old bassinet

and some of his clothes.

And my breast pump
from up in the attic.

Oh, God. Thas a breast pump?

I thought that was a bong.

Oh, I gotta...
I gotta go scrape my tongue.

Wow, I thought you didn't
like New Christine.

Well, now that
she's having my baby,

I feel a little different.

Yeah, now that I've smoked
your breast milk,

I feel a little different, too.

Hi, New Christine.

Hi, Old Christine.

New Christine, I want you
to know how grateful I am

that you let me be a part
of yousonogram this morning.

Of course, you're family.

And not just because you
were intimate with my dad.

Thank you.

And I have a gift for you.

From me to you.

From one mother
to another mother.

Oh, it's beautiful!

What is it? A dog bed?

No, no, it's Ritchie's
old bassinet.

I wanted to give it
to the new baby.

From me to you.

From the original

(voice cracking):
to the sequel.

I don't know what to say.

It's such a big gesture.

It's a huge gesture.

I love this bassinet.

Ritchie spent the first three
years of his life in here.

I've got

other stuff for you, too.

As soon as I get
the seeds out of it,

my breast pump is all yours.

You had seeds in your breasts?

Does that happen?

Oh, no, no, no, but get ready
to watch your nipples

expand to the size of flapjacks.

Are you sure you're
ready to give it up?

Well, it's going to be hard.

It's the last remnant
I have of my baby boy.

I mean, you know,
except for my baby boy.

Maybe you should keep it.

No, no, no.
I want you to have it.

From me to you.

From my empty uterus
to your full uterus.

Take it, New Christine.

Thank you, Old Christine.

Yeah, yeah, you ca
take it from me.

Well, I'm trying.

Well, just yank it.

Just rip it away.

You're holding on really tight.

Just take it, okay?

I want you to have it.

Well, then, let it go.

I can't. Okay?

You're going to have
to knock me out or something

and then... pry it out
of my cold, dead hands.

(panting)

Thank you
for your generous gift.

You're welcome.

Enjoy it.

Okay, now I see it.

That's amazing.

Looks just like
Richard'face.

I think that's the baby's butt,

but I definitely see
what you're saying.

Hey, how'd it go?

Well, I'm not
going to lie, Barb.

It was a huge gesture.

Well, we are proud of you.

I know being generous
doesn't come easy for you.

Thank you, Matthew.

I'm proud of myself, too.

To tell you the truth,
I wasn't sure I could do it.

I was.

I know deep down
you're a good person.

Yeah, me, too.
You just have to have

as much faith in yourself
as other people have in you.

Yeah.

I gotta get it back.

I knew she couldn't do it.

Yeah, I had no faith
in her, either.

Hi.

I know I just made
a huge gesture

by giving you
Ritchie's bassinet,

but it turns out I'm not
really ready to give it up,

so I'd like to have it back,

but I'd still like
to have credit

for making the huge gesture.

Oh.

But don't worry.

I got you
a brand-new bassinet.

And it's top-of-the-line.

Well, it's middle-of-the-line.

Well, it's cpletely safe.

Well...

I appreciate it, but I can't
give you back the bassinet.

Why not? It's mine.

It was yours,
and then you gave it tme.

Oh, you can't have possibly
gotten so attached to it

in the last two hours
that you can't give it back.

I went a different way.

I threw it out.

What?

You better be kidding me.

Oh, Christine, I'm sorry.

It was so nice of you.

And maybe you couldn't
tell at your house,

but at my house
it really smelled.

And I tried to clean it,

but the paint
came off on the rag.

And then I was walking it
past the fireplace

and it caught on fire.

But you still gecredit
for the gesture.

I-I-I just can't believe this.

That was a family heirloom.

You can't get those anymore.

Because the Chinese government
banned production.

They're highly flammable.

You're not allowed
to take them on airplanes.

They use them to light fireworks
on Chinese New Year.

Okay, I get it.
They catch on fire.

Hey, what's going on?

Why don't you tell him?

Christine...

Gave her Ritchie's bassinet

for the new baby,
and she...

Go ahead. Tell him.

I...

Burnt it.

And threw it out.

Yeah, that's right.

She threw out
our son's bassinet.

I know. I was there.

What? You...

Threw out the
bassinet with me.

I'm sorry. It was old.

And we didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

What? It's notbout
rting feelings.

Dumb-ass! Ear-hair! Ape-walk!

It's about throwing out
a precious family heirloom!

That wasn't an heirloom.

Your Uncle Don got that bassinet
at a garage sale.

He only gave it to us because
he wanted you to hug him.

Whose side are you on, Richard?

I'm on her side.

It's her baby.
If she wants to put it

in a new bassinet,
that's her right.

No, it's our baby.

Our baby.

Yeah, our baby.

And as half-mother, I think
I should have a say.

Christine, you're not
the baby's half-mother.

Okay, fine.
Co-mother.

No.
Sister-in-law?

No.Wait a m.

She gets to be
the stepmother of my child

and the mother
of the new baby,

and I get, what, nothing?

How is that fair?

Not nothing.

You get to be the mother
of my first baby.

Oh, well, thank you
for acknowledging

that you have another child.

Or are you just going
to throw him out, too?

Of course not.
I love Ritchie.

Where is Ritchie?
I don't know.

The poinis

that you have clearly
moved on from me.

Yes! I'm having a new baby

with New Christine.

New baby, New Christine,
new bassinet...

Yeah, out with the old,
in with the new.

All that grand talk
about one, big happy family.

That was just a lie?

You were the only one
talking about it.

A lie!

I mean, I may be
Old Christine,

but I will not be treated
like that old bassinet.

I think you're on fire.

Aw, shoot.

You guys, I have some
devastating news.

What's going on there?

Must have caught on fire.

Okay, it turns out
that Richard and New Christine

have no intention of sharing
their new baby with me.

And I was so excited about
having a new baby in the family.

And now I got nothing.

You got Ritchie.

Ah, he's old.

Anyway, he's kind of done
with me.

You know, I was so
looking forward

to having a new baby
with that new baby smell.

And they're so little.

And when you hold them,
they can't get away from you.

Well, there's nothing
you can do about it.

They get to raise their baby
the way they want to.

Oh, yeah,
there's something I can do,

and I'm going to do it.

They'll catch you,
Christine.

They always find
those babies.

Nope.

I'm going to have my own baby.

And I'm going
to be an airplane.

What? What is that supposed
to mean?

It seems just as likely.

Now, hold on,
hold on, hold on.

Actually, I've-I've
been reading a lot

of scienfic journals lately,
and it's definitely possible.

Thank you, Matthew.
Of course I can have a baby.

No, I was talking about
her becoming an airplane.

Shut up, okay!

I am plenty fertile.

In fact, I'm having more periods
now than I have ever had before.

Come on.

You're-You're going to have
a baby just to spite Richard?

No, it's not spite.

I'm just not ready to be done.

You know, I have a lot of love
that I could give to a baby.

This has nothing
to do with Richard.

Where are you going?

To get Richard's sperm.

What?!
Yeah.

I mean, we know he's fertile,

and I know how
to get it out of him.

I'll be back in 20 minutes.

Christine, I'm so happy
you're here.

We feel horrible

about throwing away
your old barbecue bassinet.

If there's anything
we can do to make it up to you.

I want Richard's sperm.

I was thinking more
along the lines

of a Starbucks gift card.

Wait. What
are you talking about?

I've decided
I want to have another baby,

and I want you to be the father.

Maybe an iPod Nano?

It makes perfect sense.

Look, this may be my last chance
to have a baby,

and I don't want it
to be with some stranger.

And don't you think
it would be weird

if the new baby had
a different father than Ritchie?

Not as weird as you and me
having another baby.

In case you've forgotten,

New Christine is currently
pregnant with my baby.

So?

I mean, we're a family now.

I was intimate
with her father.

You just lost
your Starbucks gift card.

RICHARD:
Are you crazy?

New Christine
would never allow me

to have a baby with you.
Would you?

I don't know.

Wasn't really ready
for that question.

I'll have to think about it.

Really? You'll think about it?

If it's anything
like threesomes,

"I'll think about it"
means "no."

How long do you think
she's going to think about it?

I don't know, but I can't

stay in "ready mode"
too much longer.

I've made my decision.

I want you to know, I've
refully weighed both sides.

On one hand, he's the father
of my child.

Our relationship is
in a very tenuous phase,

after going through
a very rocky time,

in which you played
a very major part.

On the other hand,

if you had a baby,

maybe you would leave us alone.

My decision is yes.

What?
What?

Look, Old Christine's right.

She probably has one,
maybe two good eggs left.

Really?
You think I have two eggs?

Even if she could trick a man
into getting her pregnant,

there's no way he'd be
as good a father as you.

And she wouldn't be able
to hold onto him anyway.

But don't you think
it would be weird?

How much weirder
could it be?

You're married
to your ex-wife's best friend

who used to be married to your
ex-wife, and I got pregnant

while thinking about
your ex-wife's brother.

Wait. What?

You have my full permission
to use Richard's sperm.

Oh! Really?

Thank you, New Christine.

You' welcome, Old Christine.

Wow. You are
the coolest woman ever.

That doesn't mean you get
to have sex with her.

Oh.

Still, pretty cool.

So, what do you think?

Is it possible
for me to conceive?

Well, let's see
what we've got.

You know, if you guys
could move a tiny bit closer,

that would be awesome.

Sorry.

We're just excited
to see what's inside there.

It's like when they cut
that shark open in Jaws.

Okay, all of you
just shut up, okay?

I don't remember New Christine
getting these jokes

when she was lying on the table.

Well, so far all I see
is an old boot

and a New Jersey license plate.

I'm starting
to get you guys now.

Come on! What's going on
in there?

Well, the uterus lining
is still thick.

Good-bye.

There is a good
amount of mucus.

Oh, I'll be in the car.

Your ovaries are functioning.

Your fallopian tubes
are open and healthy.

I'd say for a woman your age,

you have an excellent chance
of getting pregnant.

She does?

Yes, but I would not wait
too long.

You need to find a donor
sooner rather than later.

Oh, I found a donor.
He's going to do it.

But isn't he
the father of...
Yeah.

It was either that
or a Starbucks gift card.

That's it for me.

God, I can't wait
to be pregnant again.

(chuckles)
I don't have to dye my hair

or watch what I eat.

I can say what I want.

I can have gas if I want.

How far along are you?

Look at all
of these clothes.

I can't wait
to wear them. Oh!

(laughs)

Look at this thing.

Can you believe
I was ever this big?

That's my bra.

All right, that's it.
I'm leaving again.

I don't know why
I hang out here.

I'll wk you to your car.

Here, d-do you want me
to carry those for you?

Hi, Aunt Barb.
Hey, Ritchie.

Hey, Barb.
Looking good.

I swear to God I'm
not coming back here.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Ritchie.
You know what? I was just

going through these clothes

and it made me remember
when you were in my tummy.

Gross.

You see? This is why
I need a new baby.

Are we really
going to do this?

Sure, it's a perfect plan.

How's it going to work?

I don't know.
You go to a clinic.

You watch an episode
of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Nine months later,
we're done.

No, not that.

What about after Buffy?

When the baby actually is born?

What? That's
the easy part.

We already did
that once.

Yeah, but that's
when wwere in our 30s.

Oh, uh, for the cord,

people still think
I'm in my 30s.

Oh, let me set
the record straight.

No, they don't.

I mean, when this kid
graduates from high school,

we're going to be
in our 60s.
Oh, Richard!

You stink at math.

No. Look, if you take my age

and you add 18, and then you
carry the the...

Uh, you, uh...

Oh, my God.
I'm gointo be 97?

No, wait a minute.
That can't be right.
No!

The point is,
we'll be old and tired.

I'm old and tired now.

I just got my nipples
looking human again.

Looking good.

Right?

Okay, Christine,

what's the real reason
you want to have another baby?

The real reason?
Yeah.

Oh, I got lots of reasons.

Uh, I don't like
feeling left out.

I don't like New Christine
having something

th I don't have.

I don't like someone getting
more attention than me.

All good reasons.

No, those aren't
good reasons.

It's not like when
u and I had Ritchie
to save our marriage.

That was a good reason.

Richard, are you
getting cold feet?

I don't know.

It would change everything.

Yeah.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe it would
change everything.

I mean, I really like my life
the way it is now.

Me, too.

I mean, and Ritchie
is at a great age.

I mean, half the time I don't
even know where he is anymore.

We've waited 13 years
for this freedom.

Richard, I don't think
I want a baby.

I don't want
a baby, either.

Wow.
(laughs)

We almost did something
really stupid.

Really stupid.

Hey.

Oh, shoot.

So you decided not to have a baby?
Yeah, that's right.

Then why are we doing this?

I felt something kick.