The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 15 - Sweet Charity - full transcript

I don't know yet.

Oh!

Will you sit there?
You're making me nervous.

I feel like I'm reading another
one of your pregnancy tests.

I'm sorry, Barb, but I just
can't make any less money, okay?

I'm already using
generic pregnancy tests.

Which I think are
just Popsicle sticks.

Yeah, I guess that explains

why there are riddles
printed on them.

Hmm. That can't be right.

I must have made a mistake.



Oh. We're in the black.

Oh, the black!

I knew it! It's over.

Okay, well, then,
I'm just gonna have

to pull Ritchie out
of private school,

and we'll live in my Prius.

Oh, God, I hope I'm not pregnant.

No. I keep telling you-
black is the best there is.

Uh, Barb, I-I don't think
you're supposed to say that.

No. We made money.

For the first time in five years,

we can actually cut
ourselves a paycheck.

A paycheck?!

Oh!



Hey, Barb, if you
are messing with me,

you better tell me right now,

because I don't think
I could handle it.

I'm-I'm serious.

Ready for how much?

Huh?

Each of us is getting...

$2,000!

(screams) Oh!

Shut up!

Oh, you shut up!

I love this job! I love this job!

I love you, Barb.

I love you, Christine.

You know what this is?

This is our screw-you money

for all those people who
said we couldn't do it!

Screw you, Christine!

Screw you, Barb!

(laughter)

Oh, my God, we are
successful businesswomen.

Ah!

I know exactly what I'm going
to do with my money, too.

Ernest and Julio Gallo are going

to be jumping up and down
in their office, too.

No, I'm not gonna buy wine.

I'm gonna buy a dress.

Yeah.

I've had my eye on it forever.

It's insane.

It's Dior.

And it's $2,000.

And I'm getting it.

Hmm. $2,000 for a dress?

Wow. For that kind of money,
that dress better do for you

what you do for the
electricity guy.

Seriously, you should
see this dress.

It's elegant. It's sophisticated.

It makes my boobs look ginormous.

(laughs)

I think I'm going to
give mine to charity.

(laughs)

That's a good one.

And by charity,
what do you mean, the track?

Do you know how far $2,
000 could go?

For $2,000, I could build a well

and provide water for
an entire village.

I don't want to give
my money to charity.

You don't have to.

Yeah, but if you do,
then I'm gonna feel

like a bad person for
buying the dress.

Look, I'm not judging you.

You can do whatever you
want with your money.

Yes, you are.
You're always judging me.

Every time you read one
of my pregnancy tests,

you're filled with judgment.

That's not judgment.
That's disgust.

Hold the damn stick yourself.

You can't make me feel bad
about getting the dress, Barb.

I'm not trying to.

Well, I don't.

Well, you shouldn't.

Screw you, Barb.

Screw you, Christine.

Hey.

I just got a strange phone
call from New Christine,

and I'm a little freaked out.

I've got $2,000 in my bra.

I think Richard is up to something.

Am I a bad person?

Yes. You never listen
to what anybody says.

Barb thinks I'm a bad person.

I think Richard's having an affair.

Just because I don't
give money to charity?

I am talking.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was listening. Okay.

So, why do you think Richard
is going to the fair?

Richard told New Christine

that he and I were
going to the movies,

and then she called me

because she wanted him to
bring her some Sno-Caps.

Oh, I hate Sno-Caps.

You know what I love?

I love that giant turkey leg
that you get at the fair.

Oh. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You were talking.

Okay, I'm listening.

Don't you get it?

Richard and I had no
plan to go to the movies.

I think he's having an affair.

No. Richard doesn't have affairs.

He couldn't handle it.

He's a horrible liar.

You can always tell he's lying

because he repeats your
questions back to you.

It's a dead giveaway.

No. He probably just forgot

he wasn't going to the movies.

I mean, you know, at his age,
you forget things.

(gasps) Where is my $2,000?

Hey, guys. Hey.

Ritchie, do you think
I'm a bad person?

Yeah.

So, Richard, where are
you going tonight?

Where am I going tonight? Work.

You know, New Christine
called me today.

Did you tell her we were
going to the movies?

Did I tell her we were
going to the movies? No.

Why are you repeating
everything he says?

Why am I repeating
everything he says? I'm not.

Are you lying? Am I lying?

Is he lying?

I got to go.

Oh, yeah, he's lying, all right.

Well, what are we going to do?

I don't know.

I mean, on the one hand,
I really want to buy that dress,

and then on the other hand,

I really want to go to the fair.

Well, thank you for
seeing me, Father.

Oh, please don't call me Father.

Oh.

Sorry.

Daddy.

Pastor Ed is fine.

Actually, anything...
other than Daddy.

What brings you here?

You haven't been to church
in over three years.

Oh, that's not true.

Oh, I've been here.

I sit in the back.

I've-I've seen

a lot of your sermons on, um...

um... God.

And, um... Mary.

(clicks tongue)

Okay, so...

That pretty much covers it.

Um, what's going on?

Well, I'm in the middle
of a spiritual crisis,

and I'm having a
really tough time. Hmm.

And, um, is this the part

where you bring me
some of that wine?

No.

No? Oh.

Well... (clears throat)

I recently came into
some screw-you money.

Please don't tell me how
you came into the money.

There's this dress
that I really love.

Have you ever loved
anything so much

that you'd be willing to
give up everything for it?

Well.

Really? That outfit?

What's your question, Christine?

Does it make me a bad person

if I spend the money on myself
instead of giving it to charity?

I would say you should do what
your heart tells you to do.

Well, my heart has made some
pretty bad decisions in my life.

My heart thought it was a good idea

to go backstage at the
Peter Frampton concert.

Thankfully,
it was pre-Internet so...

only four people saw what happened.

I can't listen to that story again.

It challenges my faith.

Can-Can you just tell me
what to do about the dress?

It's important for you
to find your own way.

What do you think you should do?

Well, I don't think that
I should feel guilty

about spending the money on myself.

I never do that.

I deserve it.

Do you think I deserve it?

What do you think you deserve?

Well, for one,

a public apology from Peter
Frampton's bass player.

For two, a return phone
call from the drummer.

For three, I... Christine!

I think you know what
the right answer is.

I do.

I guess I've always known.

Hi, there.

Uh, do you still have
that fuchsia Dior dress?

Oh, no.

You're going to get me in trouble.

My manager said I wasn't allowed

to let you see the dress again.

Or dance with it.

No, no, I'm not here
to dance with it.

I'm here to buy it.

That's a $2,000 dress,
and pardon me for saying so,

but you don't really seem like a $2,
000 dress kind of girl.

Yeah. No, I'm not,

but I figure it'll pay for itself.

I'll look so good in it,

I'll get free
electricity for a year.

I don't want to know
what that means.

Hi, Christine.

What's with all the singles?

Oh, are you stripping now?

No.

I'm not stripping.

Why? Do you think I could strip?

What are you doing in a nice store?

And if you're thinking of stealing,

there are more cameras in
here than a Vegas casino.

They will catch you.

Yeah, even if the face
cream accidentally

falls into your purse.

It was an accident.

And it made me feel alive.

No, I'm not here to steal.

I'm here to buy.

Oh, I don't think they sell your
brands at this store. Uh-uh.

My brands? I don't have a brand.

I got this at the Farmer's Market.

Hmm. No.

I'm here for the Dior dress.

I recently came into some money.

I decided to treat myself.

Yeah. There's nothing
wrong with that.

That doesn't make me a bad person.

I mean, I'm sure you don't
give all your money to charity.

All of it?

Oh, no, we don't give any of it.

I mean, you give people money,

they have no motivation to
do anything for themselves.

I say, get off your
butt and get a job.

Yeah. Besides,
you give people money,

they just use it for
drugs and alcohol.

What do you use it for?

Prescription drugs and alcohol.

Well, and pretty clothes.

And small dogs.

And bail.

I'm bored here. Mm.

I feel like this conversation
has been charity.

Let's go grab some lunch.

Okay.

Okay, here it is.

And how would you
like to pay for this?

Keep in mind, we don't take Mobil.

Oh. No, no, no. I have cash.

A big wad of cash.

It's a little wet from
being in my bra, but...

(laughs)

I-I worked for it, you know.

It's mine. I can do
what I want with it.

Great. I will ring you up.

Uh, no, I can't.

Ugh! I just won't feel
good about myself.

So, I'm putting it back?

No. You know what?

I'll take it.

I don't feel good
about myself anyway.

Okay.

Oh, forget it.

Seriously? No. I'll take it.

Really? No.

Can I just have one dance with it?

* Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh. *

Matthew!

Wig!

What are you doing here?

I followed you. Why?

Because I know you're
lying to New Christine.

What's going on?
Are you living a double life?

Do you have another
family here in Chatsworth?

Because if you do,
take me with you.

I think you're going
to be very proud of me.

You made it in before lunch.
I am proud of you.

Look at what I
bought with my money.

That is not okay, Christine.

No, no, I'm sponsoring her.

Her name is Anjelica.

And she lives in Guatemala.

And before me she didn't
have clean water to drink

or a bed to sleep in,

but now because of my $2,000,
that's all going to change.

I'm-I'm good, Barb.

Yes... we... can.

Why did you do that?

Oh, you inspired me.

What is that smell?

Well, you inspired
me a little bit, too.

I used my money

to buy a professional
popcorn machine.

What?

It's the same kind the movies use.

What-what happened to charity?

Okay, before you go judging me,

there's something you should know.

It also makes caramel corn.

(scoffs)

You said you were
going to buy a well

for the village.

Well...

I bought a popcorn
machine for my tummy.

I love it so much.

I call it Albert.

This is unbelievable.

You knew how much I
wanted that dress

and you made me feel
like a bad person.

You know what would
make you feel better?

A big tub of buttery popcorn.

No, Barb.

There is a difference
between right and wrong

and one of us knows what it is.

Father, would it be wrong of me

to stop payment on
a check to charity?

Okay, so, your question for me is:
can you cancel a check

that you wrote to help
feed an orphan in Guatemala

so you can buy a dress?

Well, no, not just an orphan,
an entire village.

And not just a dress,
a Dior dress.

Christine, I know you don't need me

to tell you the right thing to do.

Why can't they just get off
their butts and get a job?

Okay, apparently, you do.

Um, think about what
you're saying for a minute,

and you tell me what you
think you should do.

Buy the dress.

Dig deeper.

Turn the other cheek?

Not relevant.

Whatever decision I make

will be the right one for me?

I know you can do this.

Look into your soul.

There are no wrong answers here.

Christine, everyone has to live
with the choices they make.

And you are going to
have to live with yours.

Gotcha.

Hi, I'm back.

Good grief.

I see you more than
I see my own kid.

I came back to buy the dress.

I'm on a mission from God.

The dress is gone.

Uh, please tell me what you mean is

that the dress is
gone to look for me.

I sold the one in
your size an hour ago.

Oh, no. Why me?

Why do bad things
happen to good people?

You know, an entire village
gave up their water

for this.

What? No, look.

There's one right there.

That's a size zero.

What-what are you saying?

Um, I'm saying

that you're more than a size zero.

How dare you?

You have no idea what size I am.

Ha!

I told you it would fit.

I am a total zero.

Yes.

Yes, you are.

Wait, so you're not
having an affair?

No, I work here.

And I can't stand
around talking to you.

I'm going to get fired.

The only thing more embarrassing
than working at the Suit Barn

is getting fired
from the Suit Barn.

Here.

I'm going to have to measure you.

So, what-what's with the hair?

Guys who buy cheap suits tend to
trust guys who wear cheap hair.

Tell me, uh, where do
you wear your pants?

I don't know, to work.

To the movies.

No, where on your waist?

Never mind, never mind.
Stand up straight.

Wait, uh, why do you work here?

Well, the construction
business is horrible now.

Things were already
tight with New Christine

cutting back on her hours
with the baby coming.

Stop. Stand still. Oh, sorry.

And then the transmission
went out on my truck.

So, I had to get a second job
so I could afford to fix it.

Why lie about it?

Why not tell New
Christine the truth?

Because she would have
insisted on going back to work.

I can take care of
my family, Matthew.

That's my job.

That and putting a man in a
good quality suit for less.

And I'm not the kind of man

who runs away from
his responsibilities.

Wow, I mean...

Sorry.

I've never seen this
side of you before.

The noble tailor.

Well. You're like Fiddler
on the Roof.

I'm a very proud man.

Huh, you really are.

I think your pride is
slipping a little bit. Oh.

My manager's watching us.

Okay, arms up. Oh.

Stand still.

33... 33...

33.

Can that be right?

It's right.

I'll tell you what.

I'll keep your secret
if you'll keep mine.

Well, we did the right thing.

Yep.

Next time we get a paycheck

we can give it to charity.

Or get a churro machine.

Why are you walking like that?

I'm a little bloated from the salt.

My feet are the size of canoes

and my knees don't bend anymore.

What are you wearing?

You look ridiculous.

I look ridiculous?

Let's see you try and sit down.

What?

You don't sit in couture.

It ruins the line.

Hey, Barb, corn me.

So, what'd you find
out about Richard?

Did you figure out where
he was sneaking off to?

What is it? Gambling?

Women? Drinking?

Kettle Corn?

I can't tell you.

Oh, my God!

Oh, he is cheating!

That lying bastard.

Hey, don't you talk about
him like that, okay.

He's a good man.

He is more man than any
of us will ever be.

What's the matter with you?

Richard's not having an affair.

He's wearing a wig and selling
cheap suits in Chatsworth.

I guess he needed money

to fix the transmission
on his truck.

He made me promise
not to tell anyone.

Because he's proud.

Proud? God.

He had me hit him in the
nuts with a Wiffle ball

to get on America's
Funniest Home Video.

So that he could win
money to supportis family

because he's proud.

Yeah, well,
I don't feel bad for him.

Everybody makes their own choices.

They have to live
with the consequences.

It's like what they
tell you in church:

you reap what you sow.

(dress tearing)

Ha, ha!

(gagging)

Okay, I usually try to let people

find their own way
in these situations,

but I'm going to be very clear.

You get rid of the dress.

You get rid of the popcorn machine.

Do it now.

Turn your lives around or
you're both going to hell.

It's not the same.

Well, maybe next quarter
will be good, too,

and we can buy another
popcorn machine.

No, it's better that it's gone.

I had to saw one of my rings off.

So what made you decide to
give everytng to charity?

Eh, what makes anyone
dohe right thing?

Fear of going to hell.

So, who'd you give it to?

We're not telling.

True charity is anonymous.

You guys,

I experienced a miracle today.

Your hair grew back.

I went to the garage
to pick up my truck,

and when I tried to pay the guy,

he said that it had
already been taken care of

by an anonymous benefactor.

Wow. You're kidding.

That is so weird.

Who would have done that?

I have a pretty good idea.

You know, I was actually
working a second job

to get that thing fixed.

But now I can quit and spend
more time with New Christine.

Thanks, man.

You're welcome.

No! No!

He didn't do it. I did it.

Christine, that's low.

Even for you.

Oh, great.

You take the credit, I get nothing.

Not nothing.

Look how cute little
Anjelica looks in your dress.

Yeah, she's a true size zero.

God, she's so lucky.

You are a good person.