The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 16 - Subway, Somehow - full transcript

Uh, where are all the kids?

Oh, is the football team giving
them atomic wedgies again?

Well, the joke's on them,

because Ritchie doesn't
wear underwear anymore.

Christine, band
practice was cancelled

because of the field trip tomorrow.

You do remember the
field trip, right?

You were the one who
sent out the memo.

Uh, did I happen to mention
where we were going?

It's the orchestra
trip to Disney Hall.

They're taking a Hummer limo.



You volunteered to chaperone.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's coming back to me.

Okay, yes, I will see
you tomorrow at...

Disney Hall.

Disney Hall. Yes, okay, bye.

You want your kid?

Oh, yeah. My kid.

Yeah, Ritchie. I know.

Where is he?

I'm okay. I'm okay.
I'm okay. I'm okay...

What is he doing? I'm okay...

I don't know, but he's been
doing it for 45 minutes.

We were going to go and help him,

but it's just too funny.



Ritchie. Ritchie, are you okay?
I'm okay. I'm okay...

What are you doing?

I didn't know how to get home.

Well, why didn't you just call me?

I don't know your number.

On my cell phone,
you're one of my favorites.

I just push number two. Oh...

I'm one of his favorites.

Wait a minute-- number two?

Where's your cell phone?

I don't know. Why didn't you
have the office call me?

I don't know. Well, why didn't you
just ask Marly and Lindsay for help?

I don't know. Okay, honey,
you can't get anywhere in this life

if you don't know where you
are or what you're doing.

You're not a baby anymore.

You're 12 years old.

I'm 13.

Uh, oh...

Oh, yeah, happy birthday.

Okay, you know what?
Let's just get out of here.

Okay? Come on.

Other way.

What? Oh, yeah. Okay, it's, um,

this way.

What are you doing?

Having a conversation with Dave.

I thought you guys
weren't getting along.

We don't in person,
but for some reason

when we text each other,
it all clicks.

I think it filters out
his dull and my mean.

I don't know why,
but he makes me LOL.

Ha! Lol.

Do you know what that means?

Nope, but when she says it,

makes me laugh out loud.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey.

Okay, Ritchie, go upstairs.

You did a good job today.
I'm proud of you.

Me, too, son. What'd he do?

He's a freakin' disaster,
that's what he did.

What are you all doing in my house?

You invited us for dinner.

Oh, is it Thanksgiving?

What's wrong with you?

You're acting like Grandpa did

just before he started
wearing that German uniform.

I'm sorry.

I got too much going on.

I'm having trouble keeping
everything straight.

I don't know what
is going on with me.

Yep, it's a mystery.

Maybe I should start
doing crossword puzzles.

What's a nine-letter word
for "drinking problem"?

No, that's not the problem, Barb.

The problem is Ritchie.

Okay, he got stuck at school today,

and he completely fell apart.

He didn't know how to ask for help.

He didn't know how to use a phone.

He was completely helpless.

You have failed as a parent.

Me? Why's it my fault?

Because you made him soft.

I said football and guns.

You're the one still
tying his shoes for him.

That's because I thought
he was 12, all right?

But we've got to fix this.

He's got no street smarts.

Barb, you've got to teach
him some street smarts.

Why me?

Because Barb, uh, y...

You-You're-You're
the kind of person

that probably has
some street smarts.

What kind of person is that?

A kind of person like you, okay?

Uh, smart...

From the streets.

You might be better
off texting her,

so that she can put
on her mean filter.

You know what?
I'm really serious about this.

When I was a kid,
it was so independent.

I made my own dinners.

I'd leave the house
early in the morning.

I wouldn't show up again
until it was dark.

Our parents didn't baby me.

Our parents didn't
know she was gone.

But it made me strong.

I survived by my own wits.

How are you still alive
to tell this story?

See? See, these are the street
smarts that I'm talking about.

Okay? And his wussy private school,

that isn't helping, either.

You know, tomorrow they're
going on a field trip

in a Hummer limo.

There were no Hummers
on my field trips.

Well...

Well...

Anyway, it is not too
late to turn him around.

Starting now, we are going
to stop babying him.

He's got to learn to
do things for himself.

Mom, my bath is too hot.

Okay, I'm going to
go blow on his bath,

but starting tomorrow,
we are going to stop babying him.

I'm coming, darling boy.

Okay, everyone,
we're gonna leave in just

a few minutes, but we've had
a little change in plans.

Ms. Campbell had a
very interesting idea

for our field trip today.

Now, I know that everyone

was excited about
that Hummer limo...

Yay!

Hold on! Ms. Campbell
had a different idea.

Instead of the Hummer...

Yay!

Why don't you tell them, Ms.
Campbell?

Thank you, Principal Nunley.

You know, um, kids, when I was a kid,
I was so independent.

I'd-I'd make my own dinners.

I would leave my house
early in the morning.

I wouldn't show up again
until it was dark.

I'd ride my bike to
get my own cigarettes.

I'm not sure they need the back story, Ms.
Campbell. Oh, oh, um...

Okay, well, today,

we are going to take the subway
to go to Disney Concert Hall!

Boo! Boo! No! No!

Wait, wait, wait-- the subway?

Why-Why would we do such a thing,
when we have a Hummer limo?

Yay!

No, no, no, no, no-- you can't

see life through the tinted
windows of a Hummer limo.

Yay!

see life through Okay, stop.
d windows Stop cheering!r limo.

We are taking the subway.

Boo!

It's going to teach you the things

that you aren't
learning at this school.

You're never going to get ahead
in this life relying on Hummers.

Well...

Well...We.

Well...

Hey.

What are you doing here?

You ate all the leftovers
with my name on it

from last night, so there's
nothing to eat in our place.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

We don't have any other food,
because you haven't

done the grocery shopping
like you said you would.

Yeah. Sorry.

You know, it doesn't really feel
sincere when you say "sorry"

but continue to do the
things you're sorry about.

Oh... Sorry.

Just maybe from now on,

could you be a little
bit more considerate?

I didn't realize you
had so many complaints.

But... since we're complaining,

maybe you could stop smelling
up the place with your broccoli.

And I don't know how you have
any hair left on your head

with the amount that ends
up in the shower drain.

You have night terrors.

You use too much hand cream.

It's impossible to get a
grip on any of the doorknobs.

Sorry.

There's words on my phone.

It's called a "text,"tarman.

I didn't know my
phone could do that.

Whoa.

I didn't know anyone could do that.

That's nasty.

Who wrote that?

It's from Barb.

I think it's meant for Dave.

She is dirty.

Oh, and a really good sport.

Hey, you know what you should do?

Text her back something
really filthy.

Why me? Because
you're really filthy.

Text hAll right,
f I can someththink of sething..

I hope she gets it.

I'd say she got it.

Well, here we are. The subway.

And look it, Ritchie.
Look here. This is a map,

and it tells you all the
different places you can go.

This is freedom, Ritchie.

What's syphilis?

Uh, that is what happens

when you have too
much freedom. Okay.

Come on, I'm going to show
you how to buy a ticket.

Because if I buy a ticket for you,
then you'll have a ticket.

But if I show you how to buy a ticket,
then you'll be able

to ride the subway for
the rest of your life.

Oh, no!

No, metaphorically, honey.

Okay, where is everybody?

Come on, guys! Come on!
Come on down!

You're going to love it!

Welcome to public transportation.

We are all going to die!

Ms. Campbell,

you know, I think we've
proved our point.

Everyone has learned
a valuable lesson

about real life and-and
urban planning, hmm?

So, what do you say I get that
limo driver back here and...

and he take us on a safe
and a better-smelling ride

down to Disney Hall?

Oh, no. Not you, too.

You're an educator,
Principal Nunley.

Are you really willing to send
these kids out into the world,

unprepared for life's challenges?

Having to rely on maids

and private jets and Hummer limos?

Yay! Okay!

Stop it!

Okay? We are raising

coddled, spoiled children.

And I think it's time that
we did something about that.

Push her on the tracks!

No, no, no, nono--ime that she...
she-she has a point.at.

No, we need to educate
the whole child,

not just the rich part.

Thank you, Principal Nunley.

Thank you. And I think it'.

And, you kno since it was my idea,

I'm going to treat.

Yay!

Hmm, let's see, it's going to be

$25 for all of us.

So I'll put that on
two credit cards.

Here, Ritchie, hold my purse,
sweetie, okay?

What's that?

Oh, that, my friends,
is the subway.

Cool!

Oh, that is cool! Okay.

One for you and one for you.

And why don't you
pass them all around,

and get on the train and
stay together, okay?

Oh, wait. Where's my ticket?

Mom, everybody's
getting on the train.

No, no, I, I had it. Wait a minute.

And then I passed them out.
I was...

Oh, oh, no. I got it.

I have it.

Okay. Oh!

No! Uh, um...

No. Could you open up?

Uh, my son is in here.

Ritchie. Oh!

My purse is in there!

Ritchie! Oh!

Purse! Oh!

Oh! Ritchie!

Ritchie!

I'm okay. I'm okay.

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.
I'm okay. I'm okay...

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Um, excuse me, uh,

do you know when the
next train is coming?

Uh, they come every 15 minutes.

15 minutes-- oh, my God.

My baby is on that train.

Anything could happen
to him in 15 minutes.

How old is your baby?

12 or 13.

Can I borrow your phone?

My son has my purse,
and I need to call my cell phone

and tell him that I'll
meet him at Disney Hall.

You know, I don't know you,
and I didn't get a flu shot.

So I'm just going to
wait for my train.

No, no, wait.

Um, um, my name is Christine.

Um, hi.

What is your name? Hi. Bernie.

Bernie? Really?

Weird.

Anyway, I was trying
to teach my son

to be self-sufficient and,
um, I, I lost him.

And he doesn't know anything.

No, he can't even cool
his own bath water.

He's just lost without me.

Please, stop crying.

If you could just let me use your phone,
I will let you hold

Ritchie's clarinet and-and
my ticket as collateral.

You know, this is an $800 clarinet.

I bought it before I realized
he didn't have any talent.

Please!

Please!

Please! Please?

Please? Please? Please? Please?

Please? Please? Fine. Fine.

Okay. But-But hurry up.

And... and don't breathe on it.

I'm a little germophobic.

Oh, thank you. You got it.

You're a good person.

Oh...

No, no. It's fine.

What are you doing?

Oh, I can't, I can't
remember my phone number.

I-I never call myself.

Why don't you call information? Oh!

That's a good idea.
You're a good person.

4-1-1.

What? Oh, thank you.

Yeah. You know what?
I'm just a little upset.

But, you know what?
You're an awfully good person.

Hello?

Yeah, in Mar Vista, California.

I'm looking for a listing
for Christine Campbell.

Yeah, oh, no. Yes.

I know it's unlisted,
because I unlisted it.

But now I give you permission
to list it, because I need it.

Hello? Hello?

The train is coming.
I need my phone.

What? No. No, Bernie.
What are we going to do?

We can't get on that train,

because what if they're
coming back here to find us?

We're not us.
There's no "us," thank God.

I have a train to catch.

Really?

You know what? You're a bad person.

I hope I have tuberculosis.

All right, you know, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Bernie. I didn't...

Oh, you know what,
Bernie? You still have my ticket.

You... Uh-oh.

Bernie, you have my ticket!

Bernie! Ritchie!

Ticket!

Damn it, Richard. Look at that.

I got a scratch on my bumper.

You have half a house
on your bumper.

You shouldn't be texting
while you drive.

I wasn't texting you.

It came to me.

Well, why'd you text me back?

Matthew told me to.

Yeah, but you took it too far.
You always take it too far.

And you never put your
clothes in the hamper.

And you are the loudest breather.

Feel free to use your
nose once in awhile.

Feel free to use deodorant

once in awhile,
instead of that crystal.

It doesn't work.

Hey, kiss already.

We have a problem here.

Who's going to pay
for my Range Rover?

Who's going to pay for
Christine's house?

Look, we don't even
know how bad it is.

Let's get the car out of here,
so we can take

a look at the damage.
It might be nothing.

Come on back.

Take it slow.

Barb, what are you waiting for?
Put it in gear.

All right, all right!

Relax, I'm going.

Okay, stop.

Oh, excuse me.

Can you buy me a ticket? Ex...

Excuse me, um, I'm trying to
get a ticket to find my son.

Do you have any change?

Oh. Hello?

Excuse me? Hello?

Oh, come on!

Don't act like you can't see me.

You can't just ignore me.

I need help.

I'm having a hard day.

Get a job.

Hey, you know what?

I have a job, okay?

I have my own business.

And you know what else I have?

Street smarts.

So forget about you!

Get by on my own wits.

Good-bye, Ritchie.

Oh...

I'd give anything to
hear you play this again.

Well...

* Nobody knows *

* The trouble I've seen *

* Nobody knows my sorrow. *

Oh!

Uh... * Nobody knows *

* The trouble I've seen *

* Glory *

* Hallelujah. *

Lose a button.

Oh, gross.

Okay.

* Sometimes I'm up,
and sometimes I'm down *

Oh, thank you.

* Oh, yes, Lord *

* Oh, and thank you
for the dollar, too *

* Oh, yes... *

Come on, come on. Come on, come on.

Ah! Yeah!

I did it!

Oh, you' got to be kidding me.

Oh!

No, no, no!

Oh! Ticket!

Boot!

Oh, no!

Oh! Oh, no!

Uh-oh. Uh-oh!

Fine! You win!

I can't make it on the streets!

Lose a button.

Okay.

Hey, look. It's my mom!

Oh, Ritchie.

You're here. I found you.

Mom, what happened?

I didn't know my phone number,
and nobody would help me,

so I had to use my wits to survive.

Yes, Christine, we can see.

Button your shirt.

One of your wits is hanging out.

As soon as she goes
to water those plants,

she's gonna notice it.

So we've got about a year
or so to figure it out.

It's all right. I'm safe.

Ritchie's safe.

That's all that matters.

Okay, Ritchie, go upstairs

and get in the bathtub, sweetie.

I'm proud of you!

I'm proud of you, too,
son! What did he do?

I don't know. lost him.

But I had to get
home with no money,

no car, no phone, no map.

I had to survive
using only my wits.

Yeah, I can see them,
and one of your wipples.

It just goes to show you,
I'm as sharp as a tack.

Hey, what happened to my fence?

What fence, Christine?

The fence that was right there.

It was leading into the patio.

I don't know what
you're thinking of,

but there's never
been a fence there.

Man, you really are losing it.

No, no, no-no-no. It was right...

Oh, no, no.

Oh, yeah, right. Yeah.

No, I remember now.

There's no fence.

I'm okay. I'm okay.
I'm okay. I'm okay...