The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 17 - Up in the Airport - full transcript

oh, um, mom, you don't have to
stay, if you don't want to.

Of course I want
to stay, buddy.

I want to see how
your project goes over.

Plus there are a bunch
of moms out there trying

to recruit volunteers
for campus cleanup.

Got to wait for that
to blow over.

Oh, hello, Ms. Campbell.
Hi!

Ritchie, let's
see how you did

on your geography
project.

Oh, wow! You've been to
a lot of places, huh?

Four.



Yeah, pretty good, huh?

He's only 13 and he's been
all over California.

See, that's, uh, Santa Rosa
for Uncle Joe's funeral

and Bakersfield for
Grandpa Lou's funeral

and... I don't remember
who died in San Diego,

but I remember
the spread that they had.

They had real shrimp.

Ooh.
It was really good.

Wow! That is a lot
of funerals.

Is there anyone left
in your family?

What are you talking
about, Christine?

These are all the places we've
been to on family vacations.

Oh, come on.

Wha...?
You took your kids to China?



That's Brazil, but yes.

Oh, that must be
Ritchie's globe.

My cat's globe has
more pins in it.

We had a blast at each and every
one of those memorials.

And I'm not gonna feel bad
just because my 13-year-ol$

hasn't been to Paris.

That's India.

I can't keep up with all
these new countries.

It doesn't matter,
Ms. Campbell.

Ritchihas a whole lifetime
to fill up his globe.

Oh, and don't forget,

spring break is right
around the corner,

so I'm sure you'll go
someplace wonderful.

Hopefully to a
geography class.

She doesn't need a vacation,
her life is a vacation.

She lives in a cabin.

What?
I don't live in a cabin.

Oh. Well, it smells
like bear poop.

Well, maybe you could pack that
odd little family of yours

into your Prius and pretend

you're on
a crowded subway in Japan.

Okay,

okay, enough
with these jokes, okay?

For your information,

our family does have a trip
planned for spring break.

Oh, oh, that's wonderful.

You're allowed
to fly again.

We're going
on vacation?

Yeah, remember, Ritchie,
we talked about this?

BevMo?

N-No, a-a different
conversation, remember?

Uh, we're going, uh...
to North Korea.

Americans aren't allowed
to travel there.

But BevMo's very nice
this time of year.

Can we go to Disney World?

Well, sure.

Actually,
that's a great idea,

because cousin Edgar in Orlando
just took a turn for the worse.

Two birds, one pin.

♪The New Adventures of Old Christine 5x17 ♪
Up in the Airport
Original Air Date on April 7, 2010

Okay, you know want
to know what I realized

when I went to school today?

You went there
with your pants unzipped?

No.

You found out what smells
like bear poop.

Still looking.

But everybody at school takes
a family vacation but us.

Everyone!

Do you know where Marly
and Lindsay went

last spring break
with their kids?

Dubai. Where did we go?

Nowhere.

Well, not nowhere.

We went to Medieval
Times in Buena Park.

Oh, God, Buena Park!

I forgot to put a pin there!

God, I wish I could forget
about that.

I had to sit across from you and
watch you eat that turkey leg

with your bare hands.

So primal.

It was like
When Animals Attack.

So you know what
we're gonna do?

We're are going
on a family trip...

to Florida!

Florida? Is there news
about cousin Edgar?

No.

Unfortunately,
he's a fighter.

But we're going
to Disney World!

Yeah, it's gonna be our first

normal family vacation,
and we're gonna take it

just like normal families do.

It's important for Ritchie.

I think it's a great idea.

I'll have to ask my doctor
about flying,

but I'd hate
to miss a family vacation.

Oh, dear.

You know, how do I say
this nicely?

Um...

when I said family vacation,
I didn't mean you.

You got it.

Christine!
What?

She's not even
related to any of us.

And that is just going
to slow us down.

"That" is my unborn child.

How are we going
to pay for this?

Airfare alone is, like,
$500 round-trip.

I have half a million miles
we could have used,

but I don't want
to slow anybody down.

Oh, don't listen to Barb.

We want you there!
Boop!

How'd you get
half-a-million miles?

Before Richard,
I dated an airline pilot.

He used to give me miles
as gifts.

He got her
into the Mile-High Club.

That's when you fly a lot.

Yeah, that's what it is.

Okay, great.

So it's settled.

We're gonna go
on our first family vacation.

Hey, Barb, you and I
will share a room.

And what happens in Florida
stays in Florida.

You can stay in Florida.

I'm staying here.

Not to be rude,
but I'm sick of all of you.

Come on!

You're gonna
be here all alone.

What are you gonna do?

I'll house-sit for you.

It'll be like my own little trip
to the wine country.

All right, come on. Let's go!

I've got to get you
to the airport.

Flight doesn't leave
for five hours.

I know, but I was serious--
I'm sick of you.

Come on, Christine!

Get your ass down here!

I'm here!

Right here.

Oh, no... it
finally happened.

Her liver shut down.

Oh, quiet! I got a spray tan.

I wanted to get a base
before I hit the beach.

A base of what, Cheetos?

Hey, we ready to go?

Back in time to 1967 Miami?

This is high-end resort wear.

It's very comfortable.

I like it-- you look
like Jimmy Buffet...

on safari...

...in a nursing home.

Okay, okay, I get it, I get it.

It's not a great look for me.

I'm gonna go change.

Uh-uh, no time--
come on, come on,

I want you all
the hell out of here.

Ritchie, come on!
Let's go, buddy!

We gotta get a move on!

Okay, Mom.
I'm all packed.

Except that I can't find
my Nintendo DS.

Oh, honey, we're not gonna bring
your Nintendo.

Why not?
I'll be bored.
No, you're not
gonna be bored.

We're going on a
family vacation.

It's gonna bring us
closer together.

So?

Okay, not "so."

How about "Thank you"?

How about,
"Thank you, Mom,

"for taking us on a fabulous
family vacation

that we're gonna cherish
for a lifetime"?

You ruin everything.

He's not wrong.

All right,
come on!

Move it, move it! Let's go!

So here we are
at the airport,

getting ready to go
through security.

There's Richard
and New Christine.

Say hi, guys.

Hi.

And there's Barb.

She was nice enough to
take us to the airport.

Anything you want
to say before we go?

Let's keep it moving.

Less talking, more walking.

Matthew...

Oh, geez! Come on!
Not so close.

You know I'm afraid
of Oompa-Loompas.

Wait, just come, come, come.

I want you to take some video
of me and Ritchie.

I want to remember this.

Lookit-- look,
look, look.

Are you ready
for our vacation, sweetie?

You smell weird.

Oh, that's not me,
that's the spray-on tan.

I think my body is rejecting it.

He's excited.

You can edit
this, right, Matthew?

I'm leaving.

Oh, Barb!

Ooh, you stink.

Don't touch me.

She's gonna miss me.

You can edit
this, right, Matthew?

I can't wait to spend
some time alone with you.

We never get
to talk anymore.

You know we're not
having sex, right?

What?

Richard, I told you.
I'm uncomfortable.

I don't feel sexy.

Well, what are
we gonna do the
whole time, talk?

Actually, I'm a little
sick of that, too.

I'm looking forward to
five silent, sexless days.

You ruin everything.

What is taking so long?

This line hasn't moved
in 20 minutes.

By the time we get there,
my tan is gonna be gone.

But hopefully,
the smell will be
with you forever.

I mean, seriously, you smell
like old pork lo mein.

Hey... What?!

There's a line!

Who the hell do these people
think they are?

Here you go-- we have
30 pieces of luggage.

Lindsay, it's me.

It's Christine.

Oh, Christine.

I forgot you worked
at the airport.

Here's a dollar.

Make sure our luggage
doesn't get scratched.

We can edit that, right?

Thank you.
Have a nice trip.

Yeah, it's not gonna be.

Ticket and I.D., please.

Oh, no.

Oh, Richard, I think I left
my wallet at Old Christine's.

I took it out for a second
to make sure I had everything,

and I left it on the table.

Hey, what's going on?

You're holding up
the line here.

New Christine left her wallet
at your house.

She doesn't have any I.D.

Or sex drive.

Okay, I'll handle this.

Okay, uh, she's okay.

She's with us.

We're on a family vacation.

I mean,
she's not technically family,

but she's got, like,
half a million miles

in her Mile-High Club account,

so, here's my I.D.

I need to see her I.D.

Yeah, okay,
here's the thing--

she doesn't really
have an I.D.,

but I can vouch for her.

Her name is New Christine.

New Christine what?

Uh, oh, let... it's, uh...

uh, Himmner.

No, no, no, Himmel.

No, no, Hammer.

Yeah, yeah, it's
New Christine Hammer.

What's the matter
with you? It's Harper.

No, it's not.

God, you guys!

It's Hunter.

Christine Marcia Hunter.

No, it's not.

Christine Marcia Hopper?

Hooper?

My middle name is Liesl.

Liesl?!

Oy.

Okay, so, are we good here?

Sure, go ahead.

Of course
you're not good.

I can't let her
on the flight without I.D.

And there's no food beyond
this point,

so wherever you're hiding that
Chinese food,

you better get rid of it.

I need you to move
off to the side.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

But are we going
to make our flight?

Not my problem.

Oh, but please.

This is our
family vacation.

It's our first one.

Oh, you're kidding.
No.

Your first family vacation?
Yeah.

Then you move to the
first family vacation line.

, thank you.

I appreciate that.

Oh, wait-- you're being
an ass again, right?

Okay, never mind.

Damn, Christine.

You ruin everything.

Come on, baby.

Middle names don't
mean anything.

I know everything
else about you.

I know your favorite ice
cream is pecan praline.

And that you broke
your ankle ice skating

when you were
eight years old.

And that you're
very, very ticklish

at the small
of your back.

That's weird-- she's
the exact same as me.

Oh... Oh, no.

Ah, there he is.

The whole reason
we're doing this.

Are you having
fun, buddy?

No. Are you?

Can't say.

I don't know how
to edit this.

Come on, give
me a smile.

There's that smile.

Oh, great,
Barb is here.

Okay, Florida,
here we come.

Vacation
starts now.

Uh-oh.

Oh, I think I just
started my period.

Okay... Vacation starts

right after I get back
from the bathroom.

Thank you so much
for bringing this.

I'm so sorry to bother you
on your vacation.

When I realized
there was a chance

of you coming
back to the house,

I called my cousin to get
a police escort over here.

Your cousin's a cop?

He has a badge.

Okay, okay,
great news.

False alarm.

It was just my tan
dripping down my leg.

Okay.

Vacation starts now.

Okay, uh, tape two, take one.

Um... well,
we're almost on the plane.

We're going to put
our rough start behind us.

Ritchie!

Okay, we're going to talk
about this after the vacation.

Okay.

Tape two, take two.

In two hours,
we're gonna be in Florida.

It's a five-hour flight.

Oh, right.
Because of the time change?

Aah! Matthew!

God!

There's a problem.

The flight's
overbooked.

And since we were
the last people to check in,

one of us is gonna
have to get bumped.

One of us, huh?

I wonder how we're
gonna decide that.

Me?

Oh, thank you.

That's
the right thing to do.

Are you kidding?

You're using my miles
for this trip.

Oh, come on.

You're the logical choice.

I mean, who else
is going to stay?
I'll stay.

I'll stay.
I'll stay.

You guys, come on.

That really hurts my
feelings, all right?

Please try to be a
little more sensitive.

No, preg-o is staying
'cause she's not family.

She doesn't go,
I don't go.

No, Richard.
You have to go.

It's your son's
first family vacation.

I didn't really
want to go, anyway.

Neither did I.
Neither did I.

Neither did I.

Hey! Hurtful!

Have you decided who in your
party is going to stay?

Me, I guess.
All right.

Well, here's your
first class voucher,

good for your next flight,

and a $20 coupon for
any TGIF in any airport.

Oh! TGIF...?

God.

Honey, are you sure
you're okay with that?

I'm fine.
I just need to find a way home.

Oh, I'll call Barb.

No, I don't want
to bother her again.

Oh, please.
It's not a bother.

She's not doing anything.

Just sitting around,
drinking all my booze.

Do you need
to get that?

No. There's only
one person that could be.

Are you sure?

You're getting so tense.

Your-Your back is actually
starting to hurt my hands.

I'm fine.
Just keep going.

Christine!

I'm bored.

We've been
here forever.

I know, bud.

It's been a long day
for all of us, okay?

I blew my nose
and it came out orange.

I don't know how
my tan got on the inside.

Okay, so did you find out
what's taking so long?

There's
a problem.

Our flight's been delayed
because of a snowstorm.

What? In Florida?

No, in Toronto.

That's the route you take
when you use free miles

on an airline
called Shanniff.

Well, how long is the delay?

Five hours.

But then there's another
20 hours on the plane.

That's assuming you
make your connection

from Toronto
to Salt Lake City.

Salt Lake City?!

That's Shanniff's hub.

Can we please
just go home?

Yeah, I want
to go, too.

I feel bad about
New Christine.

No. Come on.

We are going
on a family vacation,

just like everybody else does.

Okay? We're gonna stay up late,

we're gonna order room service,
we're gonna play card games,

we're gonna go swimming in
the ocean, go water-boarding...

I don't think
that's what you mean.

Okay.

Shut up! Okay?

Shut up!
This is important to me.

And it's important
to Ritchie.

And I don't want
his only memories to be

that we never went anywhere

because his mother had
to work every day.

I don't think anyone's going
to be remembering that.

Come on, now,
you know what?

I know this
hasn't been easy,

but when are things
ever easy for us? Okay?

We're going
on a family vacation.

We can do this.

You know what?
Maybe we can't.

Maybe we're not
strong enough.

Maybe, maybe we're not cut out
for family vacations.

Oh, don't be silly.

In a couple hours,
we're gonna be on our plane,

we're gonna
be drinking our wine,

we're gonna be laughing
about how funny all this was.

Oh, we won't
be having any wine.

Why not?

Shanniff is
a dry airline.

I think they're
Mormons.

All right, I'm calling Barb
to come pick us up.

We're going home, bud.

I can't believe
they went without me.

I can't believe
you're upset.

I don't think
they're ever going

to consider me
part of their family.

Congratulations.

Why would you want to
be part of that family?

They ruin everything.

If you're not part
of the family,

then you can't be part
of the family feuds,

they can't ask for money,

you don't have to help them
find their car at the mall...

Except for the occasional
Al-Anon meeting,

you're off the hook.

Stay on the outside
as long as you can.

Outside.

Barb?

What the hell?

Why didn't you
answer your phone?

God! I had to call
a taxi to get home.

Shut up.

What?

What did she just say?

She has a name.

It's New Christine.

And she said "shut up."

What is going
on with her?

Barb, what
did you do to her?

I set her free.

Oh, well, this is just great.

No family vacation.

New Christine's all mouthy.

I peed orange.

And all I wanted to do

was have Ritchie be able
to put a pin in another country.

You know Florida's
not another country, right?

Well, I could lie
and say that I did,

but I think we both
know the truth.

You're an idiot.

Barb, you have to put her back
the way she was.

God, I'm having
the worst day.

All I wanted to do was
something nice for my son.

All right, fine.

Let's go for a drive.

What? Why?

We're going
to fix this right now.

We're getting
Ritchie that pin.

What business do
you have in Mexico?

Um, we're just going
to make a U-turn,

so we can get a pin.

Gracias.