The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 18 - Revenge Makeover - full transcript

Hey, what are
you guys doing here?

It's a bad time.
Can't come in.

Thank you. You are going to be
so happy to see us.

We have good news.

My immigration
papers came in.

All I have to do
to get my citizenship

is pass a little test,
and then you can divorce me.

You are going to love
being divorced from him.

Oh, you're going to miss

being married to her.

Hey, then, then I can
marry New Christine.



Maybe that'll make her happy.

This pregnancy's been rough.

She's mad at me all the time.

I can't do anything right.

It was different with you.

You started out that way.

Oh, oh-- she's coming.

I didn't hear anything.

You never do
until it's too late.

Don't look her in the eye
and make yourself look big.

Why didn't you tell me
we had company?

I...
Why do we have company?

Damn you, Richard!

What are you all looking at?



Uh, nothing.

No, you look good.

Like a young
Marlon Brando.

What are you
laughing at, Richard?

I didn't laugh.
She laughed.

Not at you.
I was laughing

because Richard's hands
were shaking.

That's okay, Barb.

I guess it is
kind of funny.

Kind of.
Shut it!

I have to marry her.

Not if I get to her first.

Please tell me how soon
we can make this happen.

I take the test on Friday.

As soon as I pass it,
then it'll take about

two months
to finalize the divorce.

Two months?
I can't wait two months.

She's just going to be
stronger and scarier.

Well, why don't you
just have the wedding now

and then you can make
it official after the
paperwork's been finalized?

Yeah! We can do
it this weekend.

We could surprise her.

She loves surprises.

Except the one
where I got her pregnant.

Oh, maybe I'll call her dad

and see if he'll come
walk her down the aisle.

Um, uh... uh...

Uh, P-Pa-Papa Jeff?

Will you be okay
with seeing him?

I know he broke your heart
at our first wedding.

No, it would be nice
to have him here.

Well, that's
big of you.
Wait for it.

I can show him how great I look
and rub his face in it.

There you go.

What? I'm in a good place
right now.

I have a boyfriend.
He's a doctor.

Oh, that's going
to kill Papa Jeff.

Maybe I'll go to the hair salon

and get my hair
and my makeup all done.

Oh-ho-ho, that is really
going to kill Papa Jeff.

Hey, maybe

you could take New Christine
to the salon with you.

Get her dolled up
and out of the house

so Matthew and I can decorate.

What? Why woulyou
just assume I'm going to

want to help you decorate?

All right, fine, I'll see if I
know someone at the flower mart.

Fine, I do know someone
at the flower mart.

♪The New Adventures of Old Christine 5x18 ♪
Revenge Makeover
Original Air Date on April 14, 2010

I don't understand
what we're doing here.

I told you,
it's a day of beauty.

You know, the only thing
that made me feel better

when I was pregnant with
Ritchie was getting pampered.

Uh, that and doing this.

Get up. Get up.

It works.

Um, hi. We have an 11:00.

The name is
Christine Campbell.

You're 15 minutes late.

Yeah, well, uh, this one here
moves a little slow.

She has to pee
every ten minutes,

which makes me have to pee.

Oh, shoot.
Wish I hadn't said "pee."

Well, I can probably
take you and your daughter

in about an hour
if you want to wait.

Hey, I'm not her mother.

Well, you're too young
to be her grandmother.

Oh, thank you.

Look, um, this is
a really important day.

Um, I fooled around
with her father

only to find out
that he had a fiancée,

and I'm about to see him again.

So I really am going
to need to look fantastic,

because today is the day
that I get my revenge.

I have three revenge makeovers
ahead of you.

What's taking so long?

Oh, God, she says
we have to wait.

Do I look like I can wait?

You listen to me,
Hannah Montana,

you are going to take
us both right now.

I am eight months pregnant,

going on nine months
in a bad mood.

And I am right
on the edge, sister.

Right on the edge!

Let me move some things
around for you.

You know what?
Um, don't take
this the wrong way,

but I have never been
more turned on by you.

What do you think?

This looks like
a wedding, right?

I'm not going
to sugarcoat this.

Compared to your last wedding,
this one is going to blow.

Hard.

But you know what?

Let's focus on what you do have.

You have
each other, bagels...

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

You know what she was
most disappointed about?

Her fiancé?

Well, yeah.

That and missing
the first dance.

That was going
to be a good dance.

Of course it was.
You choreographed it.

We spent three hours a day

for nine weeks
working on that dance.

Do you remember it?

Of course not.
I'm a guy.

You know what?
Let me see if I do.

Put one hand on my hip
the other, on my back.

Stand up straight.
Five, six, seven, eight.

And one-and-two
and watch your feet

and shoulders back
and eyes on me

and dip.

I saw the silhouette
through the window.

I was really hoping
it wasn't this.

Oh, I felt it.

Now feel mine.

Ooh, I felt it.
Huh?

Well, I guess we're done.

Thanks.

Excuse me?
Can you tell somebody

that, uh, I dinged, too?

Does anybody know
where Marcie is?

Hello?

I dinged.

Ooh, something smells like
fried chicken.

Okay, Ms. Baran,
I'm going

to ask you a hundred questions
about the United States.

Okay, give, give--
give me a minute.

I'm a little nervous.

Now, what was
the question again?

That wasn't a question.

We haven't started
the test yet.

Are you okay?

True. No, false.

I'm, I'm sorry.

I'm not a good test-taker.

Well, at home I am.

I watch Jeopardy and I'm like,

"Who is Jane Goodall""

But when the pressure's on, it
all just flies out of my head.

Especially when
something's important to me.

I think you'll be fine.

You've lived in America
for over 20 years.

Most of this stuff
is just common sense.

Just take a deep breath.

Now let it go.

Oh.

Thank you.
Okay.

Question one.

What are the three
branches of government?

I keep thinking
"Wynken, Blynken, and Nod."

I know that can't be right.

Oh, so close.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you take
the practice book outside

and give it another look?

Come back in
whenever you're ready.

I'm not in any
hurry to get home.

I hate my wife.

Okay, darling?

Good luck to you.

When did this timer go off?

Oh, uh, I don't know.
About a half hour ago.

Why didn't you say something?

Oh, well, I tried
to tell someone

because it was really burning.

But then the pain went away
when my head went numb.

And then I got sucked
into this article.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Do you think that I should
take it personally that

when I met Tiger Woods, he was
nothing but a perfect gentleman?

Oh.

What?

What "oh"?

Is, is it okay?

Well... let me
be honest with you.

Ohh!

I am so glad
you're here.

I thought maybe
you were still mad

because I ruined
the last wedding.

How could I possibly
still be mad about that

when there's so much new
stuff to be mad about?

Like you faking a vasectomy
and knocking up my daughter.

Okay, can I
be honest with you?

I didn't think
she would find out.

I'm going to kill you.

I'm sorry, okay?
I love your daughter

and I plan on making her
an honest woman.

I'm glad you're here
to help us celebrate.

Can I talk to you
guy-to-guy?

You try to have a wedding,
I'm going to kick your ass.

Hey, just so we're clear,

you're only going
to kick his ass, right?

Because I'm just
the choreographer.

Oh, oh...

Oh...

It's okay.

It's not so bad.

I'm just crying
because I'm pregnant.

There's really
no reason to panic.

I'm going to go get some help.

Help! We need help!

Oh, my God, Christine?
Oh, my...

What happened to you?
I-I-I...

I don't know.
Th-The timer went off

and nobody came and I thought
it was all right,

because they know
what they're doing.

And, and, oh,
the fried chicken was me.

Okay, it's okay.

We're going to fix this.

Do you think
you can make me pretty again?

When were you pretty?

Okay, Maria,
open up chair six

and get me a bleach gown
and a stack of towels, stat!

Okay, yeah,
we're going to have to do

an orange-neutralizing
avy highlight.

We need a bleach
with 20 volume

and a ten-one-one-five
volume for five minutes.
All right, let's go.

What? What?
Where are we going?

The Situation Room.
Come on, hustle, come on.

Move! Move!

How is she?

Is she going to be okay?

Well, uh, we did
all we could,

but she still smells
like chicken.

All right, come on out.
Let's see how you look.

I feel ridiculous.

They made you
into one of them.

You're welcome.
No problem.

I mean, what did you do to me?

Why do I have to wear
your clothes?

Because, Christine,
the disaster didn't
stop at your hair.

But, but I don't look
anything like myself.

You're welcome.
No problem.

Look, Christine, you've
spent 60 years being yourself.

I mean, being blonde

is going to open up a
whole new world for you.

When I met Lindsay, she had
brown hair just like you

and her life was in
ruins just like you.

Mm-hmm. Yeah,
it's true, Christine.

Back then, I was
on my way to completing

my doctoral dissertation
in Women's Studies at Vassar.

But then, I met
Marly at a shoe sale

and look at me now.

I'm pretty!

Well, I don't care.

I want you to change it back
to the way it was.

Christine, we can't.
You can't process it again
Unh-uh.

for two weeks, or all
your hair's going to fall out.

I feel like I should
be married to a Trump.

You're welcome.
No problem.

Hey.

Put down that bagel.

That's for the wedding.

Didn't you hear me?

There's not going to be
any wedding.

Okay, I'm a grown man,

and your daughter
is a grown woman.

I don't think you can stop us
from getting married.

Can he?

I don't know. Any guy who can
eat that many carbs

and keep a figure like that can
probably do anything he wants.

Wow, I've got to get
a girlfriend.

This is ridiculous.

I'm marrying
your daughter today.

Put down the bagel.

Why don't you take the bagel?

Oh, come on.

We're not doing this, are...?

Okay. Now I'm getting mad.

What are you
going to do about it?

Oh, are you looking
for a fight, because if

you are-- oh, oh, oh!

Oh, this is already better
than the last wedding.

Oh, my God.
What's going on?

NEW CHRISTINE:
Daddy?

What are you doing here?
Why are you beating up Richard?

Okay, I was planning
a surprise wedding for you.

There were bagels
and everything.

And, and he said
we can't get married.

Daddy, you can't do that.

Ha! Ow!

You could stop my heart.

And you can't surprise
a person with a wedding.

You have to ask somebody
if they want to get married.

Ha!
Oh!

Stop it! I'm warning you.

I'm about to cry.

You both should be
ashamed of yourselves.

I'm a grown woman.

It is not your decision
when or if I get married.

How dare you treat me
like a child or your property.

I was just looking out
for you, Monkey.

Sweetie, no one was thinking
of you as property.

You're just feeling sensitive
because of your large size.

Look what you did to Monkey.

I'm going to kick
your ass again.

Well, good for her.

Finally standing
up for herself.

Hi, I'm the choreographer.

Hi, I'm your sister.

Oh, God. Somebody, quick.

Punch me in the chest.

Christine?

Oh, my God.
I didn't recognize you.

I know.
It was an accident.

I didn't want to look like this.

I wanted to look good for you.

You look better
than you've ever looked.

I-I love you as a blonde.

You do?
Yeah.

I-I-I can't take
my eyes off of you.

Can I toast you a bagel?

Well, I don't know
what that means,

but I like the sound of it.

Okay, I got it this time.

I studied this thing
from cover to cover.

I'm ready.
I feel good.

Come on. Hit me.

All right, um,

what's the capital
of the United States?

Okay, I'm in real trouble here.

Wait a minute.

The capital of the
United States-- I know this.

I was there
for the inauguration of...

Uh, look, you seem
like an understanding guy

who might need
a little extra cash.

Let's see if you know
this president.

Hamilton was not a president.

You have one more chance
to take this test,

or we won't be able
to process your paperwork.

Look, I can make it
multiple choice.

You ready?

How many senators
represent each state?

Two? A thousand?

Banana?

I'm sorry, sweetie.

I honestly thought
surprising you with a wedding

would make you happy,
because lately you've
been a little bit...

What, Richard?

What have I been?

I don't want to say it now.

I know. I'm a pain
in the ass.

I don't feel like myself.

I think you're beautiful.

What, Richard?

What exactly do you think
is beautiful about me?

I'm sorry.

I know your heart was
in the right place,

but I don't think
I want to get married.

But that's all
you talked about before.

I know, but I already feel
like we're together forever.

Who needs a piece of paper?

I don't. I just want
to be with you.

I love you, Richard.

Aww...

Oh, okay. Be careful,

'cause I think your dad
broke my sternum.

He's just upset.
He probably thinks

all you're after
is my trust fund.

Your what fund now?

I'm supposed to get
$3 million when I turn 35,

and if I'm married, it would
be community property.

Marry me.

I am glad you're here.

I was hoping I'd see you.

I felt terrible the way
we left things.

Oh, you mean when
you made out with me,

but you forgot to mention
that you had a fiancée?

Yeah.

I was young and upid.

And you were young
and brunette.

Think you'll
ever forgive me?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe if you freshen my drink.

You don't have a drink.

I know. That's what I'm saying.

I want a drink.

Oh.

Yeah, sure.

You got me
a little...

A little what, Papa?

Let me just get you

that drink.

Wow. You've changed.

You're just so...

blonde.

What are you doing, Lady Gaga?

I'll tell you what I'm doing.

I got Papa Jeff
right where I want him.

It's fantastic!

Nobody can resist a blonde.
He loves me.

What about your boyfriend?

Oh, yeah.
I have a plan. Okay?

I make Papa Jeff want me
so bad that he can taste it.

And then,
I break the news to him

that I have a boyfriend,
and I break his heart in two.

I don't like the new you.

But for some reason, I
kind of want you to slap me

and throw a drink
in my face.

Yeah, you're very
Angie Dickinson-ian.

Yeah, that's what I'm going for.

All right, now take a hike.

Lover boy's coming back.
I've got to bust his chops.

Large.

Oh, Papa.

So, Christine,

um, it doesn't
look like anyone's

marrying anybody
around here.

Maybe you and I should...

What? Get together?

Be a couple?

Live happily ever after?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

No, that's not going to happen.

I have a boyfriend.

What?
Yeah.

That's right.
How does that feel?

Does it hurt?

Are you sad?

Not really. I wasn't really
looking for a relationship.

Just thought maybe
we could go out to my car

and fool around a little.

Your car?

Yeah, I don't have much time.
I have a date later.

What? What kind of girl
do you think I am?

I don't know. You look
like the kind of girl

who brings down congressmen.

You know what? I don't even
know what that means.

And the kind of girl who
doesn't know what that means.

No, no-- I don't want to make
out with you in your car.

I want you to fall
in love with me.

Oh. Oh, no.

No, it's happening again.

Christine, I think
you're great.

What? What are you doing?

Why are you comforting me?

Because I don't love you.

I'm sorry. I didn't want
to hurt you again...

No, no, no-- you don't
have to be sry.

You're not hurting me.
I'm hurting you.

Oh, there, there, Papa Jeff.

Oh, I'm so sorry
I don't love you.

Are you okay?

I-I-I-I think
I'm just,

I'm just going
to get going here.
What? No, no, no.

I want you to stay.
I need you to stay.

You'll forget about me.

What? No! Hey!

You know what?
I have someone!

Okay? I have a boyfriend!

Yeah. And I hope that hurt.

Well, I'm sorry, Ms. Baran.

You still didn't pass.

And that was your third try.

So, I don't get my citizenship?

No, you do.

You're too pretty
to be deported.

Welcome to America!